I'm such a bad, bad girl!

Well here goes the warning for this post. If you happen to have paper like skin; you may not want to read this post at all. I'm really serious. It could be construed as very controversial since I do use the term retard to describe a very incompetent nurse and myself for that matter. If you have thick skin; then go right along; it's probably good for a few laughs at my adventures. I refuse to go Politically Correct because I feel people need to get over it and stop being so overly sensitive. Now I have also posted photos that I took through out my entire day.

Well I do have to admit today has been by far the best day I have had since I have been in the hospital this whole 2 weeks and it was also by far one of the most exciting! I almost got arrested by some hospital rent-a-cops!

I know part of my day may not seem so pleasant but I made it through today and in all I did get to have lots of fun and believe me; I really do enjoy all moments where I get to have fun, relax, and just enjoy time spent with friends and loved ones. I just cherish it and it's cool to be able to think back and always refer to only the good moments in my life; yes I often think of the scary ones too but I try so hard not to.

OK I know this may seem like quite a bit to read (it's a long ass post) but please bare with me as I have to push my pain button every hour on the hour (it used to be every 10 minutes but now I have it under control for now!)

I started out this morning at about 7:30am being in extreme pain; I had a pain level of about a 10 and I was crying and doubled up kind of in fetal position. I was feeling pretty miserable. I was given Toradol and that has helped me a great deal for the last couple of hours. The nurse on call that morning (the night nurse) helped administer the pain medication and I was able to go back to sleep. She was the one who introduced me to Eileen my real morning nurse as I was awaking from my morning nap. Yes, I slept a whole entire 3 hours; yes still not able to sleep. It was pretty late; about 3am when I finally got to sleep. I guess I just can't get used to this bed, I really miss my honey being right next to me (he does come and take about an hour or two nap with me in the evenings which I find a total blessing and I love him dearly for doing that; he even did so tonight but just for a little while; I had too much excitement today)

Remember I had some time slotted from midnight to 4 am in which I was promised sleep and dam it; I couldn't sleep anyway; how that pissed me off!. I just tossed and turned all night long just wishing I was sleeping right next to my husband. Sometimes I feel as if I am more spayed than my own dog and my dog has better tits than I do at the moment. She's a little pudgy down there and now she has breastses that are bigger and more perkier than mine so yes, I'm jealous of my own dogs tits? How low is that or how bad can life seem when it gets to that point? OK I'm laughing so no worries. I can actually see my skeletal remains through mine; & why didn't my doctor just insert some breasts in all that loose skin for me while I was under? How much trouble would that have been? I sure as hell could use some! Anyone got any extra I could have? That sure would be nice; I would also like to loose weight for anyone needing to?

My doctor came in to see me around 9:30am and I just didn't like the look on his face but he hid it quite well; I can somewhat tell that I am nearing the end (we will all get there one day and believe me I'm still not done here yet with this fighting); well for surgeries; I won't survive another one or at least he doesn't feel that I would. I kind of think he's just tired or burnt of operating on me and it must be quite a bit annoying for him to keep doing this over and over and over again; he's already done it 6 times in 6 years. I should be dead already. Either way his look scared me just a little bit because it makes me think that I just might not have all that much time left; I mean I hope and pray that I make it to Christmas and then I also hope that I survive to be 40 next June and that's about beyond what I want to ask for; maybe after that just a little bit of time at a time. I don't want to push it. I know I'm still young but I'm battling quite a monster and have been through much more than most have in a lifetime.

I feel I offer the world myself and my wisdom and I should be well worth all that trouble; but maybe I'm not to some. There's probably other plans for me; maybe my time is coming up to earn my wings. I'm still that same hard head who refuses to give up; that adrenaline junkie attitude who more than anything loves to drop in on any ramp, carve the coping on the other side while rocking out to total punk rock music and just do some sweet little airs over some little trees in some nice deep powder. I still haven't quite figured out the whole pumping action while snowboarding on a half pipe but yet I can on a skateboard?; that was one thing I was really hoping to accomplish to how the hell can I catch tons of air on one of those things; actually both a skateboard and a snowboard but preferably a snowboard; I don't skateboard anymore? I hope to one day.

OK sorry to have changed subjects completely; I just proved a point that I am ready for an intensive battle plan of countless chemotherapies and smoking lots of pot to keep my quality of life up in order to have my adrenaline junkie life back. I just do things slower these days. I just love being able to feel normal again and this miracle plant really does help me and it will continue to do so over the years I hope to survive. I will sure make those FEDS feel like the shit assholes they are if they were to ever arrest me for trying to fight and to stay alive with this disease because that's exactly why I'm still alive so many years later. I bet many who really are PRO-LIFE; not the PRO-FETUS ones but the true PRO-LIFERS would be on my side to fight to keep me alive with my medicine.

OK I promise to get back to my retarded nurse; sorry I am so politically incorrect; you know what? I really don't intend to be politically correct on this blog because I strongly feel that politically correct is total bullshit and you know what? "sticks and stones make break my bones but words will never harm them!". I have learned to be so much tougher than that! What ever happened to that saying? Are we just raising a bunch of pansies these days; people have to be so incredibly sensitive that we have to constantly worry about what we say? People just can't take the truth anymore? Are people really that uptight? I do speak my mind and sometimes my chemo brain needs to get a little crazy shit out into this world in order to hopefully to loosen people up and to just remind them to be thankful for what they do have and to stop whining and complaining about what someone else said about you. Who the fuck cares anyway? What difference does it make if they said what they said? Really. Just live your life and don't let what other people said bother you so much. Sometimes people don't think and you really have to give them that benefit of a doubt. Sometimes they really are stupid about certain things; that doesn't mean you have to be so uptight.

Do you have any idea how much stress that can put on you to have to worry about what others say or think about you? It really doesn't matter; what matters is what is in your heart and in your soul. We need to have much more thicker skin than this; people get way too uptight and offended way too easily these days. Why do we have to always be on pins and needles about everything we do and say? Give us back the freedom of expression; NO more Political Correctness; Please let's just Fuck that! WE have a have a right to think the way that we do. Power of the Mind! We have a right to think the way that we do. That's what makes us special. How are we protecting kids when we can't even be honest with them? How does honesty kill? I think it's lies that get people into so much trouble. I feel what's wrong is teaching kids to lie and to lie to your kids. Just be honest with them; people tend to find out the truth one way or another. They have to find out the truth one day and to find out what this world really is made up of. Why does the government always feel they always know what is really best for us anyway? Why not just let us make our own decisions?

When people decide to get violent just over something that was said about them, then that's a stopping point and they are much more deserving of a trip to jail for being violent. It's sad that kids are feeling that lives are worthy of being lost over something that was said about them. I think some shitty parenting is going on when this happens. We all need a sense of humor; just learn how to laugh it off. At least that person has less of a life they have to think about you and how miserable you must make them? I don't get offended very easily anymore. I would rather people just be honest around me than to be afraid to express themselves. I never feel comfortable with someone who can't be themselves. They put on this act. Do something useful.

I used get called Retarded all the time as a child for being much older than all the other kids (my mom just wanted me live at home forever so that I could take care of her and pay her bills) and let's face it kids are mean; you can't change them; you can only hope that they don't grow up to be assholes. If we call people stupid or retarded then all those real retarded people are going to feel like they are really fitting in? That's how I feel about it; by refusing to acknowledge the word and arresting people for saying it; what good is that doing for society?

I just don't feel it's something to get completely bent out of shape about and this nurse that I had today was acting very weird towards me. She was acting a bit like she was retarded at times that's just how I was raised and I won't change that about me; sorry. I have seen retarded people as I grew up and even found a few that seemed much smarter than she appeared to be. That's just the brutal truth as I see it. I love all people who have a heart of gold no matter what and them being retarded makes me not love them less. They are just special in other ways that I am not. None of us are perfect; somehow we are all the same in one way or another; we have gifts or things that we can do better than most.

OK back to that weird nurse I promise. I probably had the most incompetent RN nurse that I have ever had assigned to me ever. I don't feel that she was dealing with a full deck of cards at all and was totally difficult to even talk to; we really had a serious communication barrier; I mean serious. Well first of all she would not even look into my eyes at all and to me that is a red flag. I am a completely compassionate person and I must have eye contact in order to feel total trust for someone; especially someone caring for my life. That's how I connect to anyone and if I can't get that eye contact; I feel something is missing; kinda like a disconnect.

It just seemed to me that as far as this particular nurse was concerned; I was that computer hutch that she had to drag around or the IV Pole; but a living, breathing being; Oh HELL no! I was just this dumb ass lump on the bed referred to as a "patient" that she just had to deal with in order to get her paycheck. I didn't even feel that I existed to her other than my wristband which contained that very important medical record number or barcode that she could scan.

I could barely talk to her and it was very frustrating to do so; it was like she wasn't really listening to me; I would get interrupted often about other things like "dii u poop orrr pee toooday?" and things that just were not at all related to my pain at all. She was very young and kind of like a dumb kid and not at all like an RN should be. Don't get me wrong; I always, always appreciate a good nurse; especially an RN like nothing else. They are there to help you and its so very comforting for me if I have a very skilled and compassionate nurse that helps me while in the hospital; I wasn't getting that with this girl. I refer to her as a girl; because she didn't look at all like a woman to me (nor did she act like one) and more like a 12 year old with severe communication problems. She was blessed with a very youthful look.

Whenever I called for her and she she arrived in my room, I tried each time to tell her about how much pain I was having and each and every time I did call I would push the call button (this happened a total of 4 times throughout the morning hours); she would arrive; scan my arm and then go straight for the computer; (no talking involved and if there was any; I couldn't for my life understand what the hell she was saying). I could only hear this weird Chinese dialect that I couldn't understand at all. I never took Chinese so I just don't know how to speak it. She may have been on the phone each time she came in. I was hoping to get my nails done; just kidding; I know I need them!

Being a Gemini; I am known to communicate and that is something I really enjoy doing. I feel communication is so important; but I also feel that honesty is just as important; if you open your mouth, you might as well speak the truth; babbling to me does not necessarily constitute as communication. You must also be a good listener and good RN must listen to the patient. Now a patient is not some dumb lump on the bed with an ID bracelet ready to scan and that happens to be hooked up to IV Machines; we are living breathing souls and I hope sincerely that I was in all able to teach that crazy girl that much in a day.

Well, I did try to talk to this loony nurse when ever she came inside my room and of course she followed the procedure of asking me how I was doing. She said it so fast that I could totally tell that she that didn't really give a rat's ass how I was feeling at all but I would still begin by first telling her that I was in extreme pain; which I really was (I wasn't lying); she didn't seem to be listening to me at all as I was talking to her and would often interrupt me right in the middle of me describing to her the pain and the pain level that I was feeling and it was as if she thought that maybe the sound might be coming from the IV pole so she would check my IV machine stuff; now remember she never looked at me so I'm not so sure she understood that the sound was coming from that dumb lump on the bed and once she even got out her stethoscope and I tried to pull up my gown fast enough (so that she wouldn't hurt me) in order to accompany her seemingly silent requests to listen to my chest (wow was this object on the bed really is a living breathing soul? OMG? NO it can't have a soul; it's an icky patient; ewwwww); she didn't even ask if she could listen but I could tell she wanted to; she just kind of ignored me while I tried to pull up my gown and with that she then yanked up the part of that gown that I was being so resistant or slow about pulling up because of cuts and staples on my stomach; (the JP was just right there and it pinched me quite a bit that I screamed and I said "Owwww!") she did hurt me when she yanked it up (I thought she might have pulled out a few stitches from the JP) but there were NO apologies at all for ripping at my JP which was only supported with a small bandage and some tiny little stitches; just frustrations on her face that this stupid object on the bed wasn't cooperating very well. I think I must have pissed her off.

Her English was really bad and I had to have her repeat things to me each time which sometimes she refused to do. I believe she was Chinese but was exceptionally rude as far as I could tell. I was kind of in shock over her total stupidity and I mostly just ignored her and just hoped and prayed that the pain would go away; that my friends would arrive, and to go on my walk as my doctor had requested that I do; I didn't wish to be around this rude, stupid ass nurse. That to me was no fun at all.

Her volume of speech was so low that she really needed to turn it up just a notch or two. Thinking back at all of her weirdness I just am not at all convinced that she had all the complete screws in her head and I'm not much into challenging one's intellect (remember I've got the Chemo brain) but I don't feel this particular nurse had any common sense what so ever.

Some people are not blessed with any common sense; I seem to have some and I'm so very thankful for what little bit I do have; but this nurse had 0 common sense what so ever; I saw not 1 bit. I would say that she was about as dumb as a door nail and that pretty much sums it up. I'm just being honest here at what I witnessed of her actions and her words. Actions to me speak much louder than words.

I will give you some more examples of her actions. Hopefully I'm not offending anyone and if anything we can at least laugh off this whole experience because it is funny as hell. They could write a whole Saturday Night Live skit on this dumb ass nurse. I know I will always have fond memories of her hilarious stupidity. It is funny looking back on it.

I really hate calling someone dumb but she did everything in the book to prove to me that she was indeed dumb or that she was on drugs or perhaps that she needed some drugs. I don't know; she just seemed very crazy and maybe was lacking some medications. She seemed to only want to do the bare minimum of what her job had required of her. She just did not wish to help me out with my pain problems as most nurses had been so obliged to do. She didn't want to do any of that. Thank god the other nurse helped change my bed and my friend cleaned my bathroom for me. Hello? Anyone home; NOPE, no one was home upstairs on this one.

My friend Debbi arrived at around 11:15am and I was so glad to see her. Look at this beautiful kitti comforter she made for me. I love gifts that come from the heart. I'm not much into "Made in China" anything and to be quite honest, it sort of turns me off. I do appreciate a good old American gift of Made in the USA or Made in what ever state of this union it was made (preferably by who every made it for me), I love home made gifts more than anything; well this one was made in San Mateo, CA by mine truly! My friend Debbi!

I get so lonely here in the hospital and to have a friend come and visit is a true treat. Sometimes I can talk the ears off of some of the nurses and I feel bad when I get to that point but Debbi really is a good friend to have. She is such a great listener and she is excellent at telling stories; well so is Amy! I was in so much pain and this crazy ass nurse just wasn't going to do anything to help me with my pain; I think she really thought that I was lying about the pain and that I just wanted a whole bunch of drugs so that I could just get fucked up and loaded.

No, I really was in horrible pain but just toughed it out; I grinned and bared it and just gave up on this nurse even helping me; she was completely and totally useless. I could not for the life of me get her to call the doctor in order to ask for more medication; she just kept forgetting to call him or was just too busy to do so; it was just excuse after excuse that I couldn't even understand it they really were excuses; I honestly don't think she really wanted to do her job; I was too annoying for her because I was trying so hard to at least communicate with her. I just could not get myself to speak Chinese with her; it did not come naturally at all for my chemo brain. I just can't learn to speak Chinese; I don't even know any numbers in Chinese. I guess that's pretty stupid too on my part? It's important to be able to communicate with a nurse and that was just something I couldn't do with her.

Maybe she really does have a real communication barrier and can't even talk straight to my own doctor; I mean she couldn't really talk to me; I could barely understand her? Debbi was there for at least a few hours before our friend Amy arrived. During those hours, I pushed that pain button every single 10 minutes on that PCA pump which contain Dilauded but it seemed it just wouldn't kick in; it didn't seem to be working at all for me and I tried to explain to that nurse each time.; maybe she could change the dosage on the PCA pump to make it stronger because somehow sleeping through out the night I got so far, far behind in my pain meds; that's all she had to do was to open the PCA pump and maybe it just needed to be refilled and Oh and it did eventually.

I had a very incompetent nurse; what further wrong could result in her stupidity.? I wondered? How did this nurse ever get hired if she can't even call a doctor and ask for more pain medication? How did she get hired treating patients like they are inanimate objects? I started to suspect; she had to have known somebody to get hired; I mean who would hire a nurse like this? I kind of suspect that she may be lazy and just not feeling up to reprogramming my PCA pump to provide me with more medicine too. I could definitely sense her laziness; I was really getting frustrated with her; but all a while I was incredibly fascinated with her stupidity; I guess I'm just not very used to someone much dumber than myself. I was dreaming of writing up a perfect Saturday Night Live skit featuring her and her stupidity. To me; it was kind of hilarious what I had to put up with, with this particular nurse. What a skit it was and I was actually living it.

She could have been totally afraid of calling the doctor and was refusing to do so because maybe she was scared of talking to a doctor with her intellect? I don't know; she is an RN? It was very puzzling for me. I couldn't get another nurse and my friends and I needed to go right then (1:45pm) in order to make it in time for the Farmer's Market just downstairs in the hospital. How cool is that? My pain meds finally kicked in but they only knocked the pain down to a 7.5 which is still somewhat breathtaking. I felt I could deal with the pain rather than to wait until the cows came home when this poor excuse of a nurse finally does her job which was never; Oh she sure could scan my ID bracelet!) If I wanted my ID bracelet scanned, she could at least get that done! but unfortunately her scanning my ID bracelet did nothing for my pain. My pain had been close to a 9.5 most of the morning and I could barely breath from the extreme pain; so it was much better than before.

I'm really proud of myself as I am getting tougher and tougher with this pain; at times I would double up and just cry and cry and cry from the total pain that I would often get. This pain felt just like I had been sliced open, diced, stapled, and even stitched together only on the inside and the staples of course are on the outside of me. Wow those really do look like staples now don't they? Maybe it's because they really are staples. Now do you think that staples on a tummy is at all painful; NO WAY! Not according to this nurse; neither is ripping up a gown with out permission and maybe ripping a few stitches while she was at it. I'm just not getting over it. I also have some internal sutures which my body will absorb in just a few short months. yeah I was definitely faking that pain because that looks like just a little scratch that hardly justifies any pain medication.

Quality of life means the world to me and there are not a whole lot of chances lately to have a blast with 2 great friends at a Farmer's Market that happens to be at and inside the hospital. We had waited until everything was closing so that we could get some good deals and that it was far less crowded for sake of me getting sick. Yes, it's still taking a huge chance and perhaps a dumb move on my part but it was fun. I grabbed my little purse, some money so that I could buy my honey some cookies at this Farmer's Market; it was my first time out in over 2 weeks just getting outside of the hospital and it really was just outside of the hospital.

I couldn't get the extra pain meds so we gave up shortly before 2pm to go have some fun. My friend Amy told her (dumb nurse) as she was telling me the first time about having to get my urine sample that my bathroom really needed to be cleaned; it was absolutely disgusting. Are patient's really responsible for cleaning their own rooms? This nurse seemed to think so; that's another crazy insane thing about this nurse. Despite the pain that I was in I didn't wish to wait around for her shift change so that she could pawn off her job on someone else.

That's exactly what she was doing; we were waiting for her shift to change so she could pawn off all of her responsibilities on the second shift nurse. I was onto her. How lazy can this girl be? She did not feel like changing my PCA pump what so ever and shift change was at 3 pm (that would have been over an hour of waiting around for her and we had already waited over 4 hours for her to do something about my pain levels (useless nurse) and we had over an hour before we needed to get back. The Farmer's Market closed at 2pm so we didn't have a whole lot of time to enjoy it; just about 5 minutes and maybe 10 minutes of sitting outside; 5 - 10 minutes of walking.

Prior to leaving; I made extra sure that I told her that we were going downstairs to the Farmer's Market; I told her slowly so that she could be sure to understand and even comprehend what exactly I was saying. Now she still refused to look me in the eye; not sure if that is a cultural thing or what but it's still something she needs to work on; it's just plain rude to do to someone. I told her that I have my Cell phone with me and if she really needed to contact me; I will answer that phone. My phone just happened to be listed in that beloved computer that she was so glued to. This is where she more than likely spaced off in the middle of me talking to her because she interrupted me quite rudely to tell me that she needed a urine sample from me. I told her I will get her one when I get back. She proceeded to tell how to do this like so "may shure U wype UR area reel gooood so it don't get contamnented annn dooo it in the clean hat that I place 4 U in bathroom".

I laughed so hard her complete stupidity. She didn't listen to me at all and I could totally tell that what I ever I told her; it would be sure to go in one ear and out the other. I could tell that her brain was not at all focused and despite me telling her twice where exactly I was going; she still had no clue that I was even going to go on a walk so I decided to take it upon myself and try to tell her again. I could tell the lights were off; I tried so hard to tell her; but it was just like talking to a pet rock.

I told the nurse Eileen in complete English and at a very audible level; I tried to force her to look into my eyes by staring deeply into hers; but she still kept looking away as if the information she needed to enter in that computer was far more important than me giving her some vital information as to my whereabouts should this become a concern. She could have also gotten a freaking clue and told me that I needed to be back at a certain hour in order to get any meds I was scheduled to get. I was scheduled for some but she sure didnt' tell me. How freaking stupid did this nurse really have to be that she needed to first enter some stuff in her computer before she would even talk to me; how rude is that? Did she ever learn any manners? I did tell her to PLEASE look at me while I was I was talking to her and she was very annoyed with that. I also told her that my doctor really wanted me to walk and that I was going to be walking but I was going to be walking outside at the Farmer's Market. Maybe she didn't understand the term "Farmer's Market"? I dont' know; I don't know if I ever will know. How freaking frustrating it was to try to communicate with this girl.

I continued hoping and praying I had her attention this time (I talked to her like she was 5 years old; that is the communication barrier we really had) "This is very, very important; we are going on a walk to the Farmer's market; we should be back in half an hour = 30 minutes or less"; she was already ready for me to leave her alone but before we left she told me that she needed a urine sample (again) from me and that she would provide a fresh clean hat in my bathroom when I got back. She grabbed a clean bucket or pan to place on the toilet (one that wasn't contaminated)"we are going on a walk, I repeated to her; (I just didn't have the confidence she was actually listening to me)I don't know I just got that feeling.

I just didn't figure anyone was at home up there. This woman was crazy or at least she seemed like it. She had other nurses around that could clearly hear us telling her that we were going downstairs to the Farmer's Market for just a half hour. We would be right back; we kind of had too; the PCA pump ran completely dry of pain killer before we exited the elevator on the first floor; so no pain killers at all. I think she was happier that I didn't have any; for some reason to her I just had a scratch on me and it didn't justify any need anything for pain. I was definitely faking it. OK I have been all along!) yeah right!

We proceeded with my IV pole and all down the elevator to the first floor, then down a long hallway and then down another hallway to outside where the Farmer's Market was located. It was maybe a 3 minute walk. It was beautiful and very peaceful to be outside with my friends. I know my honey wouldn't approve of me being here, but what the hell; I'm having fun and that's what counts.

He is scared of me being out in public places and with the IV pole which wasn't really a smart move. I completely ran out of pain meds once we got downstairs so I didn't have any narcotics to sell at the farmer's market; shucks! Oh it contains a lock and key that I don't have any idea how to open. We got to walk around just a little bit and then we went over by the cafe in the shade and just relaxed a little bit until my IVs started beeping up a storm so we headed back a bit early.

Once we got back inside we were very surprised that the girl at the desk recognized us and said that the nurse Eileen was frantically looking for me. She had called security and told everyone that she had no idea that I had even left; she lied to everyone. I was floored. We were all floored; we couldn't believe our ears and what security had told us. They told us that what I did was not legal and that I should have alerted me nurse that I was going outside and that I indeed did not. OMG! I told her twice that we were going downstairs to the Farmer's Market!; I told her I had my phone, but she lied and practically got me in trouble for trying to escape from the hospital.

We were actually heading right back to my room at that very moment. Apparently Nurse Eileen, DN had medication that absolutely had to be given to me and I was 5 minutes late. We weren't even down there hardly 20 minutes. She had called security on us and I was certain we were all going to jail; I had a severe anxiety attack and just because I wanted to go outside and I thought it was OK; she should have listened to me but NO she's just as crazy as shithouse hound or mouse (where have I heard that before? Was it "Stand by Me"?) No she didn't call the cell phone number that I already had on record; she called security. What ever happened to common sense or honesty?

The security guard that led us up was nice enough but the head of security came over yelled at us. He had on his black suit and walked right up to me as if he were going to take a swing at me or my friend Amy. Now Amy did say and he only heard her say "that stupid nurse". That's all he heard and that justified him about to use violence on us? He really did look like he was going to swing at us and I kind of ducked and it really scared me so much that I started to get a severe anxiety attack. Good thing he left. He had an awful attitude and not at all the right person for his job which is supposed to be to calm and protect people. Not scare the living shit of them.

We asked that they please tone it down a bit and to stop making a scene; I'm glad that one cop had sense enough to do that. We are far from being any type of criminals or terrorists; we just had a nurse that just didn't have the common sense to contact me on my cell phone. "She over reacted and NO we are not criminals". My friend Amy was so mad about the situation which had gone all the way to ridiculous childish drama mostly on the part of the stupid nurse and childish head of security. That grown man should really be ashamed of himself for acting the way that he did. I'm so glad he left when he did; right when my anxiety attack was just starting. I thank GOD that he did leave because my attack started to get worse and worse. I was thankful when nurse Nurse Espy came downstairs to get us. She calmed me down so much.

Oh how I wanted to give Nurse Eileen a piece of my mind; no wonder the little bitch couldn't look me in the eye once we got upstair; she actually looked as if she went to go hide from me. What ever!. I didn't even talk to her; she actually looked very, very scared and I could tell she could not bring herself to look at me because she had lied. How dispicable? How can someone be that way and live with themselves for being so mean. Now that is mean. I really did deserve to go outside after being cooped up for over 2 weeks and to be outside with my friends; I deserved that. What the hell crazy nurse?

What ever happened to our free country? Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words may never harm them? Don't people teach this any more? Really since when did words make people become so violent and misunderstood? We didn't use her name so it was still anonymous and for anyone listening it could have been our own conversation about a dumb nurse. Maybe my own sister is a dumb nurse. What business it is of his to barge in on our conversation. It's definitely not our faults he was blessed with a little white crayon dick and feels he has to treat frail women like they are punching bag. He walked up to us so fast and really acted as if he were going to punch us and I was glad he left because I was about to go off his unprofessional temperament and to remind him that he is a hospital paid to protect us; not scare the living shit out of us. I hate bored security rent a cops who have nothing better to do than to scare the shit out of patients and to make a misunderstood situation worse for patients who definitely don't need extra stress.

Well I certainly did not let any of that get to me after I had my severe anxiety attack. Yes, I got a severe anxiety attack just thinking about all the big trouble I had caused and just thinking that the nurses might just have an excuse to kick me out of this nice hospital and just let me die. My favorite nurse (Espy) came to rescue again to help calm me down. She is so wonderful and the real reason that I appreciate a good compassionate nurse who actually understands that a patient can be trusted and is a human being with a heart and a soul. We are not just lumps on the bed that contain wrist bands that need to be scanned. We are living breathing souls and this one is going to fight extra hard to enjoy every day that I am blessed with.

I was continuing to breath in and out quite violently that I almost passed out right there in the elevator; I had tears streaming down my face as I tried to tell the nice security guard (not his asshole boss) trying to tell the officer that escorted us upstairs that he did not ruin my fun time with my friends and I will never as long as I'm alive allow anyone to ruin my peaceful fun. I meant not hard to anyone; I wasn't out there to hurt anyone at all and for you to treat us like criminals is more that wrong.

I do plan on enjoying every single day as the gift I am given even if I have to suffer in pain; I have those around me who love me and make me feel better about living. I am so glad that I touch so many lives and doing so with my blog. That is one thing I am so thankful for is the ability to write and I will continue to for as long as I can. This blog is here to stay for right now. Sure I have had other websites but I don't intend on dissolving my blog anytime soon; it will take a lot to keep me from writing my thoughts and being as strong as I possibly can while fighting this vicious evil disease.

I hope this drama wasn't a let down for any of you; it was quite exciting but it did open my eyes a little more to the different personality types of people who are given power. I then saw that nurse who felt she was above me; to even listen to anything I had to say; she would not look me in the eye when we got back.

Another thing; it's kinda gross, ok it's really gross but shows off her splendid work ethic. I went to do my pee sample in my bathroom and the dirty pee hat was just sitting there in the toilet with a very long black hair (wasn't mine) positioned right across the dried piss on the old hat; the new hat was positioned on the sink? Would it break her back or hands to replace the old one. Not to mention that bathroom had yet to be cleaned; it was still dirty and totally disgusting. I decided to call the head nurse but first Debbi had to go home so me and Amy composed a list of all the things this nurse did that made us feel she was crazy. The list was quite lengthy and I believe that I included everything within this blog; but boy did I feel great getting this off my chest.

I was already over the panic attack with the crayon dick rent a cop; OK the one was nice and quiet but that other one was totally uncalled for. He did not have to pretend to swing at us; that was very dumb of him to do that. It's totally not my fault at all that his dick is so tiny that he has to abuse women by yelling at patients for absolutely nothing except to help stroke his little ego. We had a right to conversate in the hallways and a right to keep on living. No crayon dick cop is ever going to make me feel less than human!

I do appreciate real cops who already have it in them to serve, protect, and help the public and I do know of some wonderful ones in my neighborhood but I'm most positive they would never give this poor excuse of a cop a real cop job. He would not represent our city well; I could definitely tell that he had anger issues and I feel he needs to resolve them. I kind of don't feel safe having a hot head running security in the hospital I'm staying at.

That's kind of scary things that happen when people in power should not be in power; just like George Bush who flushed trillions down a toilet in Iraq; that money could have been used to help save billions of lives instead of taking them. Sorry didn't mean to get political but I will never feel that all of these lives are not worth saving; because they are. Oil will never be worth the cost of a living life; one that is already alive. I am worth saving and so are many millions like me. I really hate that our country attacked the wrong country that attacked us in the first place; we almost had who was responsible; but false information led us to Iraq; we can't get all that money wasted back but it sure would have been nice to have had a real President who actually cared about healthcare in charge and making sure that we find a cure for this killer that happens to kill thousands every single day, every day thousands die of cancer. That has to change. For me it doesn't look that great; but I will continue to enjoy every day that is worth living and to me that is everyday.

I am very happy to have a wonderful president who has compassion for patients like me; one who actually lost his own mother to the same disease that is killing me or is trying to kill me. Cancer is so ugly and I hope a cure is found soon. I plan on doing lots of letter writing to make sure that my cause is heard. This disease does not have to be a silent killer; I know I'm loud when I get those pains so I will be sure to be heard.

Yes I do plan to keep on living and I promise to behave myself and will do my very best to stay out of trouble. Sometimes trouble just finds me and just drags in there!

A Miserable existence.....for now...

I have been suffering from the extreme effects of this surgery these last couple of days. It sure as hell hasn't been easy and that's a total understatement. I still have yet to get a full (in over 4 nights) night's sleeps and this has been taking a toll on me quite a bit. I'm surely sweet Jayne all the way and now I have been bitch Jayne.

I have only been able to take maybe 20 - 30 minutes naps all night long because my vitals have to be taken every hour on the hour because of being on the PCA pump for pain. This is the reason I am unable to sleep at all throughout the night; I'm simply not allowed to or at least that's what it seems. I have to be awakened no matter what and have my vitals (blood pressure, oxygen, and temperature) taken every hour on the hour even though nothing seems to change at all in any of them. How incredibly annoying is this? I really do need to sleep or at least I thought that one should be able to for at least 5-6 hours with out being interrupted; but NO! NO! NO!, not here at Kaiser, I have to have those vitals taken every single hour.

Oh and the lights must be bright, bright, and very bright; so much so that they must be taken when I am fully awakened. OK it sucks donkey shit and every kind of shit there is. I still can't get over that I am not allowed to get a full nights sleep here but if I want to be rid of pain; I have be awakened no matter what.

During one of my 20 minute naps I awoke dreaming that I was making my honey his morning cup of coffee, then his travel mug of coffee, his peanut butter and jelly sandwich and of course the rest of his lunch. How I do miss being at home, being helpful and just doing all the things that shows him just how much I really do love him and of course all those little ways of showing him exactly how much I love him; that I appreciate him more than anything in the world and that I'm extremely blessed to have the most wonderful man on earth. I can't wait to go home. I was pissed off to get awoke from a dream like that!

Well today, I had a huge day of progress. It started out totally and completely miserable with me being totally angry with all the nurses that kept on waking me up all through out the night; I would finally get to sleep and then I was awakened for my temperature taking, that stupid sweaty blood pressure thingy and that stupid finger thingy that measures my oxygen. How necessary is it to have to do this every hour on the hour and sometimes I know it was taken every half hour at times. What the hell? I must have been awoken at least 20-30 times. I was so pissed off and angry for not getting any sleep. No one would allow me to sleep!(

OK back to my progress; I was sweaty and miserable in my bed, hurting and not at all feeling all that great; I felt like total shit; I was grumpy as hell for being awoken all night long, my throat hurt from the stupid NG tube, the pee hole bag was really starting to annoy me and I wanted it out right away. Then there are those little foam baggy velcro things that wrapped around my leg; well those were really itching my leg (those things help for circulation). I was so incredibly uncomfortable and a total freaking mess and I must have been a total head case too being with out so much sleep in so many days.

A nice nurse came in a few minutes later to help me get out of bed ad get seated in the bathroom so that I could give myself a good little washcloth bath, then change into my gown. While I was washing myself off, she changed my bed. After I was dressed, I decided to get up and go for a t walk in hopes that the Foley Catheter would be removed. I walked a full 2 laps around my hospital floor at around 11:30am. I felt accomplished at least and was able to get some help so that I could climb back into my clean bed and try to attempt to get some sleep.

After I was just a few seconds from REM sleep, in walked a nurse to check my vitals. That stupid little cart was the last thing I wanted to see. She turned on the brightest of the bright lights and I was totally floored more than anything, I felt exactly like grabbing that whole little cart and just tossing it out of my room into a million pieces. I so wanted to do that. I was totally and completely pissed off at her. What the FUCK I thought to myself. "What the FUCK!" I was almost there! I literally was almost completely asleep and then I was robbed of that relaxation moment of sleep; the most important one; having a good dream with my honey on vacation. Well I put up with her shit and then just gave up on trying to sleep anyway. I must have made her feel like shit but she was only doing her job. I asked her; "am I the patient who is not allowed to sleep?" "Am I just not allowed to sleep at all here?". "What the hell? I have not slept in 4 days and I was just about there; you didn't even knock; you just turn on the brightest lights you can find and I feel you did this on purpose; just to annoy me!" Oh GOD I was so pissed at her.

Her English was so bad that she didn't understand me at all so I had to repeat myself like 3 times. I asked her "I know I'm forbidden at night to sleep but what in my health is so bad that I am not allowed to sleep?" What good is this doing me to not allow me to sleep? What are you guys doing to me? I went off and just lost it. I just wanted to know why am not allowed to sleep; why do I have to keep getting woken up? I had just had my vitals taken just before I went on my 15 minute walk; so it had to have been like 40 minutes later. I just wanted some peace and quiet and to sleep and why am constantly getting woken up? "Can you please just give me 3 hours of peace and quiet at some point today? "I would very much like to sleep and "Please"? "Can I please, please, please get some sleep, some peace and quiet? Can you please just leave me alone so that I can do that?" I lost it but I did apologize to her and tell her "I know you are just doing your job but for me this is really annoying and I don't see why my vitals have to be taken so incredibly often; can you please just lay off for just a few hours so that I can at least sleep?"

Getting all worked up worked up did nothing for me to even attempt to go back to sleep. I was completely out and just totally pissed off. Don't get me wrong, I am a very good person with a heart of gold, I would give the shirt off my back to help anyone in need but if I don't my sleep, I can turn into a seriously mean ass bitch. I guess I just can't handle doing with out my sleep. I don't feel that asking for sleep is like asking for all the gold in the world and that's exactly what it has been seeming like lately. Sleep for me now is exactly like gold. If I can get it; I'm totally happy; if not I guess I'm just a bitch. "Oh please don't let Jayne have her sleep; she might die in her sleep if she does."

It was such a good thing that my friend Amy stopped by today. Check out these beautiful flowers in the cute little vase she got me. We picked the rosemary from the garden. I was so happy to see her. She had stopped by last night and what really touched my heart is that she drove all the way from Santa Barbara just to see me; just to see little old me!)

She sure cheered me up and it was so nice to be able to spend the rest of the day with her. It was such a nice girly day!) We mostly sat in my room talking about old times and about the way things used to be in each of our lives; all the traumas and things that we have both gone through and that has strengthened us and made us each stronger women. Neither of us have kids and nor do we ever plan to; our ideal kids are our pets and I guess that's what makes our friendship so special. It helped quite a bit to talk and get feelings out that I guess I had held in for all these years; yes we even cried together.

It was such a good visit; Amy and I had not always been close but this visit really opened my eyes and heart to her even more. This is just another example of how cancer changes your life so much and how you see the people in your life. I have also lost touch with many whom I thought were good friends but then when they found out I had cancer; they wanted nothing more to do with me. Maybe I will see them again in the future or maybe not. It doesn't really hurt my feelings that much but I'm glad that I now know who my true friends are in life.

We decided to go on a walk for a little bit but I want to first get rid of this stupid Foley Catheter before going on a walk; I couldn't imagine walking and then having to sit down with that stupid thing up my puss; I just didn't want to try walk again with it in. Its not at all comfy so I called my sweet nurse Ershod (he really is a great nurse) to come and take it out. I pushed the call button and he came practically right away. It think he maybe one of the best nurses at arriving faster than most nurses.

What an awkward procedure; I was a little bit shy of him having to see my little puss but I really wanted that thing out; puss or no puss. I had to take a deep breath and breath out as it came out. Wheeewwww, that was a tad bit uncomfy! I thought it would hurt far worse but thankfully it was gone. Me and Amy clapped our hands in joy and I was so incredibly relieved. We could now go on our walk! Yippee!

We decided to go outside for a little walk in the Rosemary garden. It was so nice and peaceful to be able to sit outside to relax and to talk some more. That's one thing about us is that we never ever run out of things to talk about. I'm so happy for her that she has finally found the love of her life. He seems like such a great guy with a heart of gold. I can't wait to meet him. We both have great men to be proud of and that will stand by our sides no matter what; excellent me who love us no matter what.

It was finally time to go back inside (my IV battery was beeping and about to die), so we went inside my room and talked some more. Not long after, she finally got to meet my sweet little Blue Belle.

I wished I would have thought to take a photo of both of them together; but instead I have this shocking photo of my newest scar. See, I finally got the bandage removed from my surgery so that you can see all 14 staples. It's so trippy that the cut is just above my belly button. I'm so glad that it is because I was afraid that I have finally lost beloved little belly button. I know of so many woman who have already lost theirs and despite all the cuts and scars on my belly button (it's been cut there 5 times), it's still a pretty and cute little belly button that I will proudly sport in a bikini. I guess I'm kinda sick that way in that I don't mind showing off my battle wounds. I'm so proud of my self that I have survived so much. I just want the world to see just how tough I am and that if they too get diagnosed with this dreadful disease; they too can fight it as I have; stand strong, stand tough and beat it!) If you have that self determined will to live; you can beat it.

I also accredit medical cannabis for my prolonged survival. So dam you politicians who are dumb enough to think that this incredibly miracle plant has no medical value; Dam you! Yes, I'm not a big fan of stupid greedy, dishonest politicians who have never walked in my shoes and feel they must decide what is best for me and that they have a right to end my life just like that.

This plant has helped sustain me and has kept me alive in so many ways. Even though I am not on it now; I will be when I return home to get stronger and stronger. I will utilize this wonderful plant in order to help stimulate my appetite, keep me hydrated and of course help me with much needed pain relief.

Well tonight after I got my new bag of milk food, I am now getting a bag of blood; yes a blood transfusion was needed from this surgery. I had been loosing some color in my skin, my energy wasn't so good and of course the lack of sleep I'm sure had something to do with a lot of this. They had to unhook my PCA pump for pain for a whole 3 hours and in case I do get any pain, I will have to take a shot in my ass of morphine. It was either that or get another IV in my left arm which is totally and completely out of the question. I'm tough, I can handle 3 hours with out pain meds and if not, get that shot in my ass!)

As for tonight's plan, I was able to talk with a head nurse about adding some sleep to my schedule. (Sorry you have had to read on and on and on about my bitchiness and my stupid complaining about the dam sleep). Well I get to sleep uninterrupted tonight from 12am - 4am!) I'm so stoked! I will have to make sure that I take something to sleep since I can't sleep all by myself with out anything. Peace and love to all and more updates to come!)

Gastric Bypass Surgery Update....

I will start with my day yesterday of waiting and waiting and waiting. I did get to go outside at around 2pm and sit outside and relax in the sunshine in a very beautiful Rosemary garden. I have to admit I was terrified of this surgery and honestly afraid that I might not be so lucky and not wake up. That's such a terrible thing to think but I just couldn't help it. I think it helped me to just sit outside in that garden and cry my eyes out. You can kind of tell I'm crying in this photo or see tears on my cheeks. It's kind of weird how photos of me outside, makes me appear that I don't have any eyebrows? I'm wearing absolutely no makeup but yet I look as if I am wearing heavy makeup? That just shows how unphotogenic I can be at times. I wanted to capture the reality here of just how frightened I was and I feel that I did just that.

As I was walking back inside from this little garden; I came upon a meditation room which I stopped inside and found a very nice woman named Terry. We talked and it really relaxed me just a little bit more for this surgery and I was just starting to ease my fears. The room was dimly lit and it was very relaxing. I told her my whole story which usually doesn't take too long and of course my fear and anxieties of what I would be facing in a few short hours. What a sweet lady to make me feel so brave. When I was done, I continued on to my room and lied down in my bed. My husband arrived shortly after and we got to take a nice little nap together from 2:30 - 4:30pm.

We were told that someone would be sure come and get us between 2:30pm to 3:30pm. I kept getting more and more abdominal pain and had to have my TPN changed once again. I thought they had turned it off and wasn't using it and actually got behind in administering my pain medications. My honey slept through it all and finally at around 4:45pm, someone came to get me and take me to my surgery and I got to go in my bed. How relaxing is that? I got to take my teddybear that my honey got me too! We went into the presurgical waiting room and I was in room number 6; for my surgery number 6. Wow! We must have waited for nearly an hour before it was time for me to get wheeled in for surgery. Oh God I was scared!

I kissed my honey good bye and then went on into the surgery room. I was moved onto the surgery table and told to take off my pants and panties which I was pretty bummed about but I guess needed to get that catheter inserted for peeing. I sat there and then all of a sudden the oxigen mask was put on me and wham I was out like a light.

I awoke in the worst pain ever at around 10:30pm. I was so happy that I survived when I woke up, but dam was in serious, serious, serious pain.. I literally felt as if I had been hit by a bus and dragged for about 10 miles. My pain level felt like it was a 20 on a pain scale of 1-10. OMG it was bad.

It seemed that I had to sit in POST OP for ever and the male nurses were ever so annoyed with me. I was such a stupid bitch to them I'm sure as they tried to get me to shut the hell up on the pain. Stop being such a wimp was the vibe I kept getting from them and they had to keep on telling me; "You have to breath, breath", they couldn't do anything at all for my pain and they kept yelling at me to keep pushing my button on my TPN which wasn't doing a damn thing as far as I was concerned.

God I'm such a fake on the pain and I was just shocked they would treat me that way. They always seem to be that way in Post Op. Not sure why; maybe they have no idea what it's like to get gutted like fish. I was crying and hurting like hell and totally miserable. I could barely breath for the pain; it was so incredibly painful. I wanted to be knocked out more than anything so that I didn't have to feel that pain. Oh GOD it was the worst! I could barely talk and of course having an NG tube, catheter, and that blood JP thingy. It was all back to me from last time.

Here we go again! Another healing adventure for me. The pain has finally subsided some but it still hurts like hell. I still feel like a gutted fish but it's not as bad as before. I couldn't move at all and could barely talk. I called me mother and father at around 2am - 2:30am of which it was 5am for my mom and 4am for my dad. They were just happy as hell to hear from me. I don't think I sounded so good but I was crying and happy as hell to hear their voices. Just wanted to let them know that I survived the surgery.

Around 6am this morning 3 of the doctors on the team had come in to tell me that the surgery was a success and that they were able to do what they had planned to do. On another note, my husband just told me that he had spoken with my oncologist and that a fair amount of the cancer had returned and he would like to slam me with some of the heavy duty chemo and /or radiation. This discourages and scares the living hell out of me. I'm scared shitless but I definitely am not ready to give up but this is the last time that my doctor wishes to work on me. It almost seems like I have a limited amount of time left and I pray this is not the case. Maybe all of this chemo will be the answer for me and we can find a cure. What ever it may be; I will be sure to enjoy every day as a gift and that is something we all should do.

What touched my heart just a few days ago while talking on Facebook with my sister in law was this video that reminded her very much of my husband and I as we battle our monster today. I feel we also dance very beautiful together. This is a representation of breast cancer. Perhaps my husband and I can one day do one for Ovarian Cancer!)

Anxiety Normal Prior to Gastric Bypass Surgery?

I guess anxiety is pretty much to be expected with this surgery number 6; my very first Gastric Bypass surgery. I don't fully understand the full concept of what the whole surgery is about but I do understand that some of my intestine will be used to make a new opening in my stomach so that food can finally get through my system and that it is going to be yet another invasive surgery with lots of risks. Instead of the lower portion of my tummy being cut open; I will be getting the upper portion so here is my latest scar to be updated tomorrow with lots of staples.

Oh GOD I'm scared; but I do have faith that I will get through it. I do know that I have lots of beautiful souls praying for me tomorrow and tonight as well. From what I understand, I am in numerous prayer chains and that really touches my heart deeply. I'm so happy that I have touched so many with my fighting spirit. That to me means that I am living my life very meaningfully. If there is anything I do wish to teach others about my life is that life really is worth fighting for.

During this particular surgery, I am hoping that any tumors present will be removed; I also wish some boobs could be inserted into my pathetic flabs of skin that just happen to have nipples. (I had to cover up my flabs of skin with my gown in Photoshop in that photo below) But that's just wishful thinking on my part.

I've been opened up so many times that I'm like "why the hell not?". Why not get some boobs for my honey to enjoy. Somehow he still enjoys those miserable flabs of skin? What can I say, he loves me and of course I love him more life itself. Can you believe that I can actually see bones through my boobs? Now that's skinny and it's pretty sick too!

It sure would be nice to have these scary ass looking tumors removed also but I don't see how it can be done; these are going to have to be saved for chemo and /or radiation. Now that I look at all the photos I tried to take of them; they just don't show up looking all that big or existent. I promise you they do look scary in person. I will be talking with a radiation specialist soon about my upcoming treatments.

In this photo here below, that knot is one of the tumors and I know it might be a little hard to see. This is one thing that my doctor/oncologist will looking for is tumors that are located in an area in my stomach which might easily be approached with radiation treatment. He feels that the reason that my intestine is blocked is because of tumors. Now this is a chance that the tumors will be located in an area where it would be too dangerous to use radiation; so that's where the heavy duty chemo comes to play. I don't even know if I will be able to continue on the Tamoxifen treatments; but I do know that he would like me to start some heavy duty shit that will most likely make me go bald again.

That's OK with me; I'm designing a tattoo that should cover up my entire head; mostly of butterflies and flowers; just some beautiful art for the world to enjoy instead of those nappy, itchy, hot ass wigs. I will proudly walk around with my bald badge of courage. I have seen several women get tattoos after they lost their hair and I feel it's brilliant. I want to do just that! I haven't exactly picked out an artist just yet; nor do I have the money to do it; I know it all comes with time. We will see. Right now it's just a dream that I hope to be able to make come true. We all have to have those to keep up going.

Here is another update on my kidney infection. I have been on Cipro before and it caused me some major, major pain and suffering in my intestines. It didn't even work for my kidney infection at all and this was back in April. Now after my surgery; I started getting some serious pains and the pain would get up to a 10 to the point that I was doubled up and crying; tears were just streaming down my face and I could barely breathe from the extreme pain. I had about 3 bouts like this.

Well, on Friday night; I had to have pain medication literally every 2 hours and I felt it was strange that I was still suffering; maybe it's the fermented food that's still in my system but on Saturday afternoon; I had a nurse come in to change my antibiotic medication after it had gone it's course. I asked what kind of antibiotic I was on and was shocked to hear that I was on Cipro. OMG! I thought! Wow! This could be why I am suffering in so much pain.

I immediately told a doctor about my prior experience with this drug on Saturday afternoon after taking the blasted medicine and that it just wasn't at all helping with my kidney infection now or before when I took it many months ago. Days later I'm still having pain when I pee and the peehole factor of pain is pretty severe. My pee was practically bloody, cloudy; everything you come to expect from a kidney or severe bladder infection and to still be on this antibiotic like 2 days later.

You would expect that it would start working much sooner; or at least I expected that. The doctor agree to change the antibiotic; I'm still suffering in pain, but not nearly as much as I was since I have been changed off the antibiotic; my peehole doesn't hurt nearly as bad. So yes, we fixed something!

My honey visited with me twice yesterday with Miss Blue Belle in tow. She was so happy to see me both times. She jumped up onto the bed and gave me tons of little sweet Blue Belle kisses each time. It was so sweet to see her sweet expression with her ears being back as if to smile at me.

I don't mean to go off subject here, but I felt it is relevant to my feelings. Last night I had a great time just relaxing in the bed with all three of us (Jimmy and Blue Belle) together as we watched "America's Most Wanted". I don't have any idea why I even watch the show; I guess it is exciting but the horrors of what these criminals do does get to me.

I will never even begin to understand why some people do the evil things that they do like taking a life when I'm fighting so hard for mine as strong as I am particularly right now. It's just amazing to me how fast it can end for someone and for another person to have that much power over someone else's just to take it and not feel anything in doing so; maybe just for a small amount of cash or drugs, or because they hurt that person's feelings or what ever it takes just to end a life really amazes me. I feel life is completely priceless.

I am always glad to see when justice is served but I don't like to be reminded of how cruel the world can be. I will never understand why there are so many movies and shows about how horrible human kind can be towards one another. It seems commercial television seems to prefer to show us the worst instead of how kind others can be and this is one thing that my blog has completely taught me that television can never show me is how many beautiful people there are in this world that just read my blog, leave comments, email me, or just let me know that they are thinking of me or how my blog has helped change their lives.

Well after we watched the show we all took about an hour and half nap together just snuggling and loving on one another. It was wonderful to be so close to my husband and to feel how safe he always seems to make me feel. These are the lasting moments I often cherish as I sleep alone at night here in the hospital and what I will be thinking of when I go under tomorrow.

OK, I'm still very, very nervous about tomorrow and can't help but be. I have so much anxiety to overcome and fear. I pray that this surgery will be a success. Please GOD, no more hiccups for me! I don't need any more road blocks, speed bumps, pot holes, or trouble. Just success if at all possible! Please!)

Well tomorrow that light skin will have some staples on it and some bandages. I hope I heal fast and can ride my bike soon and swim! So much I wish to do but I also need to focus on what I do have to be thankful for and that it quite a bit.

I want to thank all of you who are praying for me sending me good vibes, possitive thoughts and so much more! It means the world to me and I want to thank you all from the very bottom of my heart!) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Lots of love to all of you! May there be Peace on Earth!)

A Failed Stint Surgery....upcoming Gastric Bypass...

Well this morning started about as usual as it gets for a surgery; I was pretty anxious and a little scared that something might go wrong. I had slept in until around 11:30 and then I was told a gurney would arrive shortly to pick me up and take me to my surgery. I was wheeled in the gurney into an operating room on the very same floor that I was on. As I entered the operating room I was introduced to the entire team who would be helping assist in the surgery.

I watched as the entire team prepared for surgery and did what they do best; some were stuck on the computer entering my information and double checking that everything was correct in administering what I needed for the surgery while others were staying close by and making sure that I was comfortable; checking my vitals, position on the table and IV.

Then Dr. Ready entered the room to take command of the surgery; she introduced herself and helped to calm me down of any anxiety that I have. She told me that she would make extra sure that I would be comfortable as possible during this surgery and that she had plenty of experience performing this type of surgery. I was kinda scared and just wanted to make sure that I wasn't too awake when the tubes were to go down my throat; she made me laugh as she said her middle name was sedation. She did warn me that it wasn't a sure thing this surgery would work but that she would do her best. I noticed that she had several hoses in her hand that she would more than likely use in order to try to suction out what was in my stomach.

She was very nice and cordial with me and explained very well what she intended to do; another surgery would be planned later on to insert the stint. During this surgery she would also be examining whether the stint would be possible to insert as well. She just needed to suction out all that was in my stomach which was apparently quite a bit.

She positioned me sitting very upright on the table while another gave me the injection that would konk me out for the rest of the afternoon. I would still be somewhat awake during this surgery. At that point I didn't quite mind sitting upright or that they were inserting such huge hoses down my mouth into my stomach; the suctioning started and then fluid just started oozing out my mouth and my nose and I just panicked. I thought I was about to drown in my own vomit and I started crying just trying to breath and they had to stop the whole procedure only getting out maybe 100ml of fluid out of my stomach. I think they had gotten out more prior to this surgery just doing the suctioning action with the NG tube. Yes, this surgery was a failure. There was still quite a bit still in my stomach but what was already in there had clogged the hoses that were already in my stomach. It was impossible to complete the procedure so it had to be stopped.

The procedure was stopped and I was then wheeled back into my room where I slept a good portion of the day. The other procedure was canceled to insert the stent and option number 2 which is to open me up and resection some intestine (Gastric Bypass Surgery) in a new area of the stomach. Now I will be more prone to stomach ulcers but nothing like the feeling of being a live and this being just another option so that I may eat somewhat normally.

What is odd is that this surgery is usually for those who are seeking to loose weight and I am with out a doubt the last person who needs to loose weight. I am still the same size as Paris Hilton; maybe a tad bit smaller but basically just as unhealthy a weight. Sorry I just feel that the media glamorizing that unhealthy weight as being beautiful is plain wrong. It's not at all sexy in my opinion. A woman's curves can be incredibly attractive and I used to have those sexy curves; now I just have bones, bones and more bones; hardly any fat at all. My honey still thinks I know for a fact that my weight is unhealthy and something does need to be done to show that women with more curves are extremely attractive.

At least now, I don't have to worry about all the many restrictions I would have had with that stint surgery. I would not have been able to eat many salads; carrots and celery out of the question and so much more.

My doctor came by around 5pm to talk to me about scheduling my second option of surgery on Monday afternoon and to sign the papers for the surgery. I didn't quite know that this surgery was the same as Gastric Bypass surgery or that this will be the same until my husband told me. I thought it was just another abdominal surgery. My doctor also explained all the risks involved; there are also many worries to be had with another invasive surgery and hopefully some tumors that are blocking my stomach can be removed or debauked during this surgery; not sure if the ones on my rib cage can be removed. As with any surgery risks are always involved and hopefully I won't be opened up nearly as much as the other surgeries but we will see. I will also have this other surgery to heal from and staples to remove; the whole 9 yards.

I have a raging kidney infection and nutrients to be absorbed this weekend just prior to this surgery. As it is right now, I'm not strong enough for a surgery as it is; too skinny, and too sick. I have also been getting fevers of up to 101 more than likely from the kidney infection. My pee is very gold, red, and very cloudy which is all the signs of a raging raging kidney infection; also the pain in my peehole is horrendous.

My honey stopped by with Miss Blue Belle and helped cheer me up completely. Forgive the very, very, let's just just say extreme nappy bedhead I'm sporting here!)

This will be just another boring weekend in the hospital with not much more going on; just healing and getting strong enough for my surgery on Monday.

I cried in my husband's arms as I told him about the scary surgery I had had this morning and he totally calmed me down and we spent some good quality time together watching "Dog Whisperer" and some news. It was nice just to lie down next to him even though we were not in own bed at home; we can at least cuddle and enjoy this good quality time together.

I don't have much of a view outside my window (just windows to other rooms). Miss Blue Belle noticed some action going on in the window across from my room so we had to snap this photo of her looking outside. It was so cute and she almost started barking but was a good girl and calmed down when we asked her too. What a good patient girl she was for that entire 3 and half hour visit. Those are the great things to look forward too this weekend are these nice visits from him and since it's the weekend; I get to call my mother and the rest of my family.

Oh GOD how I miss sleeping in my own bed! Hopefully by the end of next week this will happen. I promise to provide more exciting updates as the week progresses and this should be a quiet weekend where I need to gain the strength and get over this fever prior to my surgery on Monday. Here's to more healing and miracles!) Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!)

Stint surgery tomorrow...1 other option..

Well today was quite an eventful day. I spent part of the morning with nurses trying desperately to suction out barium liquid out of my nose in order to hopefully get a clear CAT scan; for some reason the tube kept getting clogged with food and other particles. When it was finally time for me to be wheeled down I chose to be wheeled down in a gurney instead of the uncomfy wheelchair since I was having so much pain in my stomach, I also had a huge raging headache and of course my nose and throat didn't feel so hot either from having the NG tube stuck in it.

We went down with out a problem (didn't get to bumped around) and nothing was injected into my veins during this CAT; only 2 shots were taken. Two of the technicians spoke loudly from from around the window that there was too much barium solution inside me to get a clear shot; so therefore I got to go back upstairs to my room to relax and get ready for the next plan of action.

I needed to get a Picc line inserted for intravenous feeding and easy access for blood draws and IVs. This didn't happen until 2 pm; but while I was heading back from the CT scan; I had a serious anxiety attack; I was crying and hyperventilating out of control. I have to admit; I'm pretty scared at what is happening with my body right now and it seems there is no end in sight as to when I will get come home. I'm so incredibly home sick and I so miss being at home with my family. I don't know what came over me but I could not for the life of me stop crying; tears were just streaming down my face and that stupid NG tube and snot running everywhere did not help matters at all.

As it appears now; I will be here for a least 2 more weeks or longer (GOD I hope it's less than that!). I'm not at all sure when I will get to sleep in my own bed. I just had a serious depression moment and the hyperventilating did not help that area of my stomach where all of the pressure has been (pain). I had to get drugged up and a nurse crushed up an Ativan and diluted with some water and then inserted it into my NG tube just in time for the Picc line surgical procedure.

The preparation for a Picc line is a long one and there is so much involved and of course the key is preparation and sterilization. I had to be covered up with this blue tarp and my arm scrubbed free of any germs then I had to have my arm stuck with a local anesthetic. For this particular time; it took two times to get that Picc line inserted and I'm so very thankful it was all on the same arm. It sure was painful and I had my old lady music to listen to in order to calm me down and the lady inserting the Picc line. I did everything she had requested of me and she remembered me from several times of inserting other Picc lines in me. She knew my who story. We even got to go through the drama of worrying whether the Picc line had been inserted correctly and if we needed to go for my left arm. The x-ray machine came in to check and it was a success! We were excited and of course me being so incredibly hungry I asked for a party cake and icecream. How they wished they could help me out there; because I do deserve some cake and ice cream only it might kill me given my circumstances.

After my Picc line had been inserted several of the OBGYN oncologists including my doctor, who came in to tell me that I would be getting another x-ray this evening and we would be attempting to insert a stent inside my intestine. This would actually create a larger opening where my duodendum thingy or intestine is so that food can easily travel through. There is a significant length of intestine that remains blocked so there is a good chance that this may not work but fingers crossed that it will. Now this would most likely happen through my mouth and I would be partially drugged up and awake during this procedure. This will happen sometime tomorrow morning or afternoon; there isn't a time scheduled for this procedure just yet. I have to be honest; I am alittle apprehensive about going through this and extremely nervous at the same time; I just pray that it will be a success or what ever happens is a success. I am so very thankful that there is a solution and there's is 2 solutions to my problem. Either way; I will be fixed. I don't mind so much having that 6th surgery. It will be invasive but I have this feeling in my gut that I will recover from this one much faster than this 5th one.

Of course if the stent thing doesn't work; we have plan B; Abdominal Surgery number 6. I would need to be opened up and my intestine would be resectioned and a new hole positioned in my stomach so that food could actually go through my system in a brand new path. I have heard that this happens sometimes or is similar to gastric bypass surgery for those who wish to loose weight. Wow! and I need to gain weight! Of course the old portion would be cut out but yes, another risky surgery of which 6 - 8 weeks time needed for recovery. OH GOD I'm scared! I'm trying my best to be strong and as positive as possible. But sometimes it can very hard but I'm doing my absolute best and trying to look at the bright side of things.

But wait, there is some good news. Since the NG tube has been remaining blocked I did have it removed right then and there. After I got that damned thing removed; I celebrated by washing by my dirty ass hair. It had so much grease and dandruff! OMG! I got to wash it with this special shampoo that my friend Debbi had brought me on Tuesday. It smells just like Creme Brulee!). I'm so hungry that I could just eat my hair. Just as I washing it; a good friend from work (just like a big brother to me) came by to visit for a little while just prior to me being wheeled down for another x-ray but not before my honey showed up with Miss Blue Belle. We had some good conversations and it was so good to see my friend whom I am have missed dearly. We used have so much fun on our lunch breaks going for Indian Food, walks around the Bay, and even roller blading and ice skating. One day again soon!)

As I was getting my x-ray done, the experienced technician told me of others who had also gotten that abdominal stint and could barely walk after getting that procedure done; and that perhaps my snowboarding days could soon be over. GOD I pray not; I hope he is wrong about that. I want to be as active and alive as possible. I know it sounds selfish but I don't want to just be confined to barely walking anywhere. I love being active more than anything and snowboarding is my passion. I don't know what I would do with out it. I've been avoiding all kinds of bags just so that I could have myself a wonderful season this coming season and it's supposed to be a good one! I surely don't wish to miss it for the world! I'm not going to count is out just yet; I still have faith.

Once I got back to my room after the x-ray; I got to cuddle up next to my honey and watch TV and just enjoy his presence next to me. We are both very worried about this surgery tomorrow. Now I am wondering if the second option is better for me? I would hate think about crashing and this stint causing me to have internal bleeding or something horrible happening from my fun active life style. It always seems like its always something! Here's to me healing and hopefully getting my life back together as I would like it to be!) Here's to a cure for this horrid cancer! I will have to start some heavy duty chemo once I get out of here because of those tumors which appear to be getting bigger and bigger.