WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Monday, March 29, 2010

Sharks ruled but my intestines are not yet lately!(

Well my honey and I got to go see a Sharks game on Sunday and they played fabulously and on top of that they won! Well my honey is acting like ever since Tonto had his bath and I switched Tonto's collar to his Shark's collar that may be the reason they are having this winning streak (god I hope that doesn't Jinx them; Lord knows they have had enough of those loosing streaks); so Tonto just might be bringing the Sharks some well deserved good luck! 

We got to watch the game until the 2nd period and then I started getting sick as if I were going to vomit.  Because of the angle we were sitting (22nd row, kinda behind the net where we got to see them shoot twice), that I might vomit on those spectators  sitting directly in front of us.  We left when the score was Sharks 2 and Colorado 1; then the final score was Sharks 4, Colorado 3!)  We got to watch part of the 3rd period on our brand new 46" TV!) So we are happy and so is Tonto!

Sorry this isn't a most recent photo of him but just didn't feel up to trying to take a new photo of him and then have to download more photos as it is time for computer maintenance on both of our computers.  OK now back to the Sharks game that we got the pleasure of going to and once again some very sweet friends of ours  had donated some extra tickets for us to have a blast at the game; it would have been easy to  just stay at home that day since my honey finally bit the bullet and bought that brand new TV in order to replace the 13" TV we had been watching since his TV had died a few day shy of a month ago.  We had just set it up the night before and wow! What a difference a brand new TV can be. We now have a new TV for me to watch!  I can finally see the TV and even read what is on the screen!  Well we did still go to that game and we had a good time until I started having pains after the second period. 

Since starting all those drugs for bone pain; I haven't felt much more than lying on the couch and watching TV.  I hate having to take pain medications but I have to in order to live and get though all of this Cancer related pains.  I hate that I have this huge

The home nurse came by today and I had been pretty bad at itching near my site (Picc Line) and just couldn't help myself; it so dam itchy; worse than any poison ivy or oak; I didn't know what to do so now my picc line would be considered mid-line (was 9mm out of my skin?); so this meant that my picc line is kinda sorta coming out and instead of being close the main artery of my heart that it's more closer to my arm pit?   I might have to go get it fixed and of course give some blood samples at the lab while I was there.  What a pain!  We can still administer my IV tonight and was kind of worried about that because the nurse had to call my doctor or else I would have had to double up on fluids; I usually can't drink so much because of this horrible heart burn and pukey feeling that I keep getting.  It seems for right now my pain is under control but I still hate having to be on the drugs; I wish I didn't have

We will be going to the doctor soon to check on some more tumors that we felt and about getting a referral to "Cancer Centers of America"; well after all it does seem that he has given up on me and seems like he is just waiting for us to give the OK for Hospice; and of course I'm just not ready yet.  I'm not giving up on living and will still try my hardest to get strong enough so that I can go back to work.

Well another thing that happened this weekend is that I groomed Blue Belle since she has been shedding like crazy and it is that time of season where she is simply shedding her winter coat.  I brushed and brushed her and then got to these little raggin muffin hairs on her butt that just looked ragged; so I got out the grooming shears to see if I could fix them up and of course I got too carried away; a snip her, then a snip there until she has an embarrassing little ass that I felt I need to cover for her before going out in public to play with her friend Tess.  Oh GOD did I make a mess of her little bottom!(   Can't I ever figure out when I need to stop if I am messing something up?  With each snip it was just another screw up!(  She got to wear one of my old bathing suit skirts  and I think it looked better on her than it did on me and covered up the messed up spots that I had done to her.   Hope you enjoy this little video of her running in her skirt and having a blast; I kinda think she enjoyed wearing the skirt and perhaps she really felt like a girly girl even though it kind of looks like a scottish thing?  Well I can vouch that she also wasn't wearing any underwear!)

Well here's to living and surviving this!  Peace and Love!

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Thursday, March 25, 2010

Finished Radiation! Healthcare has passed!...Happy Springtime & Happy Livin!

Well this post was started over a week ago but I kept getting interrupted and then all of a sudden this keyboard is way too damn loud because of the speed of my typing so as not to bother my poor honey who has very sensitive hearing to my deafness in my hearing; I just haven't been blogging all that much.

We did speak with the radiation doctor on Thursday  (3/18) and everything is turning out to be positive only my back (left side) which had been hurting like a bitch.  I could not get up very well (actually through out this whole ordeal I have needed help to get off the thin little hard metal table= sometimes even our couch) especially lying down with out someone helping me.  Well they also had to weigh me and on that day I proudly weighed in at 120.5!  Wow!  Well today I am at 122 (3/19)  (with my heavy shoes on, my cellphone and keys in my pockets) but still I'm going to do everything I can to keep gaining the weight on so that I can continue to survive. I still can't believe that I hit the 120 mark!  I thought that would never happen; now returning back to work seems so much more possible now.  If I can go over 125; I should check with my doctor and see if I can return soon?

Embarrassingly, I still keep watching worthless TV on VH1 like Celebrity Fit club; watching them loose weight as I am inspired more than ever to gain weight; how funny is that?  I'm not sure what has helped me gain this weight and I'm going to try not to change my regimen at all since it is working for now; I'm cooking with coconut oil, drinking coconut water and even using using coconut milk in all my cook of foods which require milk like pastas and breads.  I have been stuck on the couch since we went to see a pain specialist early last Tuesday morning (3/16) before my daily Radiation appointment.  It was so early (9am) as I struggled to keep my eyes open during the entire appointment.  I couldn't believe the strong pain medications I needed to take and they really have made me totally sleepy.  He gave me this sheet of paper on one of the medications which is Gabapentin 300mg.  I really hate that it makes me so sleepy but I can't  that I will eventually have to work my way up to taking this much medication (every 4 days add more pills)?  OMG!  Wow!  On this note of instructions on how I should use this pill I saw that I needed to incread another pill every 4 days; that just seems like way too much too me; it seems I will just turn into a pill if I take that much?.  Imagine having to take medication like this more than once a day and eventually the doctor would have me taking it 4 tablets in the morning, then  4 tablets at lunchtime, then 4 tablets in the evening? I can not imagine taking that many pills?  WTF?

Right now, I literally have no energy to do much of anything and it is really depressing for me and that is just me taking one a day.  I got up to the point of days where I was to do 2 and WOW!   I quit taking them for just 1 day) (22nd)  I wanted to  just get   outside and live and to do things, become an adult who has some self worth besides just laying comatose on the couch?  I didn't even have the energy to get onto the computer.    OK take a little break and go outside; I really hated feeling so dizzy so I went out and road my bike and got my fat dog on some real exercise! It was fun to not feel so dizzy and distorted; no medicine all day except for the Fentanol patches!

I try so hard to fight what I am feeling but my head is so heavy and it hurts and so does my back. (March 13th at it's lightest - 17th), my kidney on the left side was hurting so (9/14) I'm was really worried that my other kidney might be having some trouble since every time that I coughed, sneezed, or breathed in heavily had caused me to jump out of my bones; it hurt like  total hell!  I would jump and scream every time I sneezed, coughed, yawned, or had to breath hard; jumping almost off the couch and screaming, crying like hell; it was as if someone wearing spurs was riding on my back (no just kidding); it really felt like that person wearing the spurs; kicked me in the back in just a split second; the pain was horrid and my honey felt like taking me to the hospital for all the horrible sounds I was making!  OK some days are good and some days are bad and that is just what I have experiences in this whole week and half of not blogging.

  Well the good thing is that over those days, I just doubled up on cranberry juice (whole cranberry juice with out the stupid corn syrup = sorry Ocean Spray; no can no do!)  Even their sweetened cranberries can't even use real sugar? What's up with that.  I just know in my heart that corn syrup is not designed for digestion in our bodies; it just can't be.  I think its far worse than sugar.  We have been using sugar for ages to sweeten our foods and never have we seen the amounts of diabetes, heart conditions, cancer, and so much more since we introduced such unnatural foods to our diets; its like we are eating dog food or hamster food; I mean some of that stuff might have been reduced to going into the landfill but instead; lets save some money and feed it to the peasant population?  The pain in my back finally subsided and I don't feel it so much anymore.

Well with all the doubling up (cranberry juice and water and tea) and of course eating lots of berries in my breakfast cereal (Kashi = now that tastes like horsefeed but at least its healthy) and of course the thick coconut milk mixed with real Organic Vitamin D milk, and of course the cranberry vitamins too; that horrible, horrible back pain finally relieved itself after several days; I'm so glad and so relieved in fact when we had seen the Radiation Doctor that Thursday (3/18 = 1 week ago today)  I had been so relieved to be gaining weight or at least maintaining at around 119 for several days and hopefully I won't go less than that.

   Well on Tuesday (3/23) my stomach hurt like hell and I could barely find any way to sit comfortably.  My weight had only gone down to 119; but for several days I had some really good days; I got out to ride my bike; still having the problem of not being able to walk far with out feeling like my intestines are coming out of my butthole and then feeling like I have to go to the bathroom "right now" or risk pooping my pants.  How pleasant is that?  But I live with it and I gladly live with it.  I have the most wonderful man to ever to take care of me.  It had seemed everything was going to be normal again; I didn't feel as much pain; despite being on a more increased level of Fentanol (200mg) and Liquid Dilaudid.  (I so hate having to be on pain medication especially watching Celebrity Rehab and how these once stars loose everything they have in their lives because of some of the very drugs that I am being prescribed (Ativan, Percocet, Dilaudid); well I am not being prescribe "crack", "methamphetamime", but my doctor does what he can for me so that I don't have to suffer in so much pain; who would know that cancer could be so painful to treat?  I am very grateful to those Californians who did vote so that we could legalize Cannabis for medicinal use because currently that is what has been saving my life.  I wouldn't be eating at all if it weren't for those nicely rolled joints.   It really is saving my life and it does keep some of the pain down; but most of all I drink enough water in order to handle enough of those icky pills!(  

This is exactly what a bag looks like that comes out of my tummy (gastric tube).   Can you imagine what it must have been like for my husband to have to do?  What an awesome husband I have;  I will always be so grateful to him and thankful that I have him in my life to help me when I need help most.  Normally these gastric bags are for feeding but mine is for draining out yuck that has developed in my tummy; stuff that just gets stuck in there.   Yes, that little Blue Belle follows me everywhere I shall go so do look for her in many backgrounds.

Well that evening; it felt as if my stomach were going to split open (this is when I utilize pain medications and try my best to get the pain level down);  it seemed it was almost ER time.  We were both scared and hated times like these.  I cried and apologized for being such a burden to him as he told me that I wasn't at all a burden; that he loved more than anything to make sure that I live as long as I possibly can; he does this lovingly every single day; that I beat those doctor's expectations of me;  I'm tough as nails to be able to handle this kind of pain.   He knew in his heart that this pain was horrid and he sure hated hearing and witnessnessing me being in it.  I also took 2mg of Dilaudid (that had also been approved increased at this time by the pain doctor we had seen (3/16))

My faithful husband worked for several hours trying to get rid of the juices inside my intestines; I was about to start puking out of control which would have been worse because that shit coming out of my nose and throat would have burned like a bitch!  We managed to get over 1600cc  (600cc before he went out to eat = I wasn't strong enough to go out out of my tummy thanks to his magic and this was over 2 sessions.  So I guess that means that every time I do gain weight; it could dangerously mean that my intestines are holding onto toxins and I did notice that I wasn't pooping as much as I should have been.  God it just sucks that my life always has to revolve around me shitting; how embarrassing and unfortunate.  It really does and that's the sad thing; so be thankful for that if you are worried about what others are thinking of you because I couldn't care less; I'm beating cancer.

Well another very, very, very important thing that has happened is that Healthcare has finally passed.  I can't believe the media and the Propaganda Machine that is out there right now misinforming more innocent tax payers?  How can those people sleep at night knowing they are doing this only in order to fatten their stupid wallets that they can put a price before someone's life?  Just so they can get a little extra money to tell a lie?   I'm fighting so hard for my life and if I were given a price on what my life is accurately worth and what I feel I am doing for so many other lives?   What are those other lives worth that I am affecting by writing this blog?   I just feel that no one's life is ever worth any amount of money or  just to take someone's life for.  I do believe if that person takes someone else's life (only in self defense do I feel differently); I don't feel that life in jail should be an option for murdering someone else over greed.  Most murders are greed related and others are monsters or psychopaths; they should live out their eternity as a lost spirit wishing they had lived differently.   Capital punishment has been around since the dawn of time and still believe that there would less murders if the punishment fit the crime.  I won't get into that but I was happy as could be to see Obama's cool speech relating to all of the lies and propaganda out there; and I keep seeing more but I will still keep his speech fresh in my mind.   I feel so much better now that it has passed and things will get better; I'm not going to stress like so many who are naive enough to stress out over the media machine.  I do believe things will get better and I trust the judgement of this president so much more than the other one.   My honey and I laughed so hard at his sense of humor over all the lies that continue to come out of these corporations and the stupid media stations that report those lies.   I'm am very glad that health care has passed and there is so much to do to fix it; I'm just glad this hurdle has been done!)  

Now many of us might not have to live our lives as guinea pigs and that perhaps more lives will be spared over cancer; let us find a cure; don't lock up someone who has found a cure FDA!  I hope they dismantle the FDA when they go as far to lock someone up over saving a life.  If there is not a cure yet for cancer; then let there be?  I know I deserve to live longer than 7 years; hopefully longer.  Anyway, my sincere apologies for not making this video sooner here is Tonto celebrating that his mommy has just finished all 10 of her radiation treatments to my right side. He seemed very happy indeed; I did take this video last night and made it today.  (I did try to use that Selfport service but I have no idea how to upload; so YouTube it is.  Well it was very cool indeed when I finished all  10 of those treatments and the staff makes a big deal for you when you do.  I walked out to hearing some of the staff ringing cow bells when I walked out and then I received a diploma where all the staff had personally signed.   I also received my Daffodils; usually I get them at work but this is the first time I have received them at a facility where I just so happened to be getting radiation; they may have given them out for chemo.

Peace and Love to all!

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
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