WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Pirates of the Carribean Pumpkins!

Well I stayed up late last night and carved some really cool pumpkins for Halloween.

I did find some really cool stencils on the internet for carving some kick ass pumpkins. I only paid $5 for all access to download as many as I wanted for next year and more! It was totally worth it and the Johnny Depp pumpkin looked so much like my husband that he was even shocked.

Well today I had to drive up near my work to go to my dentist appointment at 3pm in order to pick up my mouth guard thingy. Well apparently this cancer must have me so stressed that I grind my teeth at night. Imagine that? I can't really tell that I do this, but my teeth are suffering some so I had to fork out the money for mouth guard (over $300).

Since I was heading up that way, I decided to stop by my job at around noon today in order to give me plenty of time to visit with everyone that I could. I was able to eat a good lunch (salmon, cooked veggies and mashed potatoes) and even downed a whole Ensure. I should be gaining some weight by now because it seems I am able to eat more and more. The hours went by faster than I expected. My its funny how fast time flies when you are having great conversations with friends that seem like family. I still didn't get a chance to visit with everyone that I wanted to.

When I got home I saw this UPS notice that there is something waiting for me on my patio. It turned out to be the most amazing camera from my dad. Bless his heart, he had been trying to get me a camera since my birthday. We accidentally chose a bunk company and this time we settled on Best Buy and a Nikon CoolPix P80. It only took a week to get and just in time to photograph these beautiful pumpkins. I'm still reading through the manual but it is pretty user friendly.

Well as for Halloween and my pumpkins, the only way I was able to properly display my pumpkins was on the cat tree. Tonto was a little pissed by he'll get over it.

Only 5 kids total stopped by. It's been less and less each year so this may be the last year I stay home to hand out candy. If I'm still around next year, I will definitely go out for a party or a haunted house excursion or a flashlight tour of the Winchester Mystery House.

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Thursday, October 30, 2008

Chris Cornell was amazing.....

Well its no secret I am in dire need of a good digital camera. What is it with phones? No I don't have the Apple Itouch phone and nor do I plan to get one unless the price and the price of the service goes down. Having a device such as that does not make my day much easier. The people in my life are what I can't live with out. Like my husband, who makes my life so much more enjoyable just to be around him. Just when I think, how can I be so in love with the one man and then I just love him more and more each day.

My husband and I bought tickets online to see Chris Cornell play at the Catalyst in Santa Cruz. I've seen Soundgarden 5 times in my life (1989 in Columbia, SC, 1992 Lollapalooza (it was so good, I had to see it twice) Charlotte N.C., Atlanta, GA, 1994 in Sacramento, 1996 in San Francisco.) I knew I would be blown away because each time I have gone to see him that's exactly what happened. His voice is one of the most amazing voices I have ever heard. He makes those high notes seem so effortless. You can get to know all the words to his songs and even be inspired enough to hit those high notes but they just don't come out the way that he sings them.

My husband and I watched in awe as he sang some of his new songs, some Audioslave and several Soundgarden songs. I think he even sang a Temple of the Dog song too. I can't quite remember, but as we walking back from the bathroom we heard one. Yes, I do have to go quite often but I can still enjoy everything around me despite this.

Chris even had an encore of two great songs after they finished playing their set. Some fans sat there chanting for more and of course he obliged and came out to sing. I haven't seen a whole lot of bands that will come out for an encore at least in the last couple of years. It is quite rare. The last song sung was "Black Hole Sun" and it was performed so exceptionally well that I woke up singing the song in my head this morning. That's when you know you have been to a good show.

Chris Cornell is so tall, lean, and pretty darn sexy. He has this presence about him as moves around the stage so gracefully. I am NOT at all in the market for a new man, but I can at least admire his sleek appearance and especially his voice! He wore this long sleeve white shirt where you could see his muscular sexy chest. My husband laughed at me as I admired the strong sexy presence on stage. My honey was still the sexiest man in the whole joint as far as I was concerned. Yes, we made out a bunch of times and it was great. We had an amazing time together; just the two of us!


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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

CA 125 slowing going down.....

Only 1 more chemo pill for this round as I just took one of those horse pills. It always comes down to the countdown of the icky pills. Those Etoposide pills with the horrible side effects. They certainly make my stomach feel queezy, painful, and kind of crampy.

I have had to cut down on eating regular food and I actually found some Ensures that are quite tasty and were on sale across the street at Safeway. They are the Butter Pecan and the Coffee Cream. I imagine I will grow tired of them soon but can at least enjoy them right now.

On Election Day, Tuesday, November 4th at 9am I have my Avastin chemo infusion. It seems I always end up getting chemo scheduled at crazy days and times. I remember my very first chemo ever. The nurse was so cold and calloused that she tried to convince me to come in on Thanksgiving day for my very first treatments of Taxol and Carboplatinum. Who wants to vomit their turkey dinner on Thanksgiving? Wells she had some openings so why not take advantage right? Wrong. I delayed that first chemo treatment until December 5th, 2002, I had gotten married on December 3rd, 2002. Hard to believe I have survived so much in 6 years.

Now some Good News! My CA125 came in the mail yesterday and I had taken a whole month off the Etoposide pills prior to this blood test. Prior to the 1 month off, my count was at 27. Without the Etoposide is now down to 24. Prior to the 27 count, it was at 35, and before we started Chemo, it was at 79. We just need it to go down another 20 points would be great, but every few points is a blessing. I am just thankful for everyday I am given because I see each day what a miracle life is. I watched women in support groups where we would loose at least one woman a week or two weeks. It got to me as I grew attached to these woman and it was just a stark reminder of just how deadly this disease really is.

Sometimes when my stomach is going crazy, I get scared and worry that with all the noise that what if something in there just explodes and it kills me. I try not to think like this, but I can't help it sometimes when the pain is so intense and the noises from my stomach are so loud. It really does get intense and scary. The cannabis helps me through these types of ordeals.

I did receive news that on Friday the rain will come! I realize that yes it will be on Halloween but they are expecting some snow fall in the Sierra's so we can just hope that there is enough snowfall to cover the rocks and to make a nice base for the coming months if only we get lots of storms to enjoy.

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Saturday, October 25, 2008

Carving some pumpkins!

Well today is my mother's 62nd birthday and on Monday I had shipped her a whole care package of face wash, moisturizer, eye gel, teas, and photos for her enjoyment. I also called her and we talked for a long time. We always have great conversations especially when politics are discussed. We just can't say enough about the issues that really matter to us. We are both excited about Obama becoming the first African American President.

We have so much admiration for this young man, mostly because he didn't come from an affluent family; he struggled as we have struggled. He seems more genuine. He put himself through school on scholarships and student loans and even graduated at the top of his class. I feel he has a passion to help our future. He has lots of life in him and ambition and that's what we both appreciate. His mother also died of the same cancer I currently have and I peaked at his tax returns to find that he donates a significant amount to Ovarian Cancer Research.

Education used to be a very important factor and lately the role of President, intelligence and education haven't mattered much lately and instead people tend to vote for one they would rather have a beer with instead of the one who is really more qualified to lead. To us, it doesn't make any sense to vote for the one you would like to drink with, we vote for the one more educated, calm, and capable of good decision making.

We are also worried about the election becoming stolen as the last two have been. We both don't trust McCain on many issues; primarily his judgment and his insanity. Its funny that we both feel that he is merely a horny old man who doesn't seem so happy in his marriage; although we do admire him for at least serving in the military and for surviving 5 years of imprisonment; however that doesn't really qualify him to be our leader. We don't feel that he really has the best interests of our Country in mind. It's like he wants to extinguish the middle class and instead have only 2 classes of people; very, very rich and poor.

During our conversation, I also found out that my mom's scare of a suspicious lump in her breast turned out to be nothing. She is fine and currently I'm the only one in our family fighting cancer. I'm so glad! I would never ever wish this on anyone I love and care about. Cancer has caused a lot for me in opening my eyes about life in general. I treasure it all the more!


Well yesterday was a fun day indeed spent with my neighbor's 13 year old daughter. She had the whole day off from school and I was feeling much better than yesterday. I didn't have to take anything for pain for 2nd straight days-NOTTA!)

You see life comes packaged to you in many ways. I think it might be the good lord that does these things. One part about life is that you really do have to accept those around you and to try to affect every situation as positively as you can; at least I do. I feel much better if I do.

I don't have any children, nor can I have any but I am NOT entirely useless as many cold hearted people may find me. I am still able to hang out with kids and to teach them about the life I have learned to love. It really disheartens me to read about people who would deny others from being able to be with the one that they love because they can't have children. Yes, I am talking about stupid Proposition 8 which is based on lies about children learning about gay marriage in school just in order to deny these individuals the opportunity of benefits that married couples are offered. -NO MORE POLITICS I PROMISE!

To get back to my day! I started my day early, cleaning up the kitchen and making up the bed and then my young neighbor called to see if she could come over and hang out with me for the entire day.

I was fine with that, so she did while I was making some worm tea for my plants. We finished a few things around the house and then packed our things and left to go have lunch with my husband which instead we ended up looking for costumes for Halloween. Of course my neighbor enjoyed this opportunity! We didn't have enough time for lunch with my husband but we did go to the mall for a late lunch and then perusing all the shops at the Oakridge Mall. What 13 year old doesn't like to go the mall?

After many hours at the mall, I got seriously tired so we went home, I caught my breath and then we walked across the street to Safeway and bought 2 huge pumpkins which we carved. I had her do one of the pumpkins all by herself except taping the template to the pumpkin. We had printed up the templates off the web. I wanted to enter the contest on YesWeCarve.com for a chance to win her an Ipod Nano. She has been bugging me for one for about 2 years now and of course I really can't afford to buy her one, so I figured, maybe I can try to win her one! We will see!

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Thursday, October 23, 2008

Wow a whole week, just like that!

One thing I have forgotten to mention in this blog is that I suffer from severe insomnia. Maybe its due to chemo brain, but it is something that frustrates me. I have for several years since my diagnosis. I don't think about it much through out the day because I am too busy enjoying all of my waking hours. Imagine that?

I usually don't sleep well with out any medication or at least lately I haven't. The medication I normally take is Benadryl around 4 days a week (starting about 2 months ago), sometimes skipping days and around once a week or twice, I will sometimes but rarely take an Ativan (Lorazepam). I had heard from other patients (ones who have since passed on), that they took around 2 per night. I was thinking I was taking too many until I had spoken with these other patients. With this drug being a narcotic, I really can't take any more than 2 per week. I fear constipation in my case and that is real.

I am a bit frightened of all the chemicals that I am prescribed so I try my best not to take too many and to keep it as natural as possible.

Sometime Cannabis works for my insomnia but not all the time. This could be due to the type that I normally get which is the Indica. Indicas are normally used for pain and the Sativas are more for relaxing and or sleep.

My doctor prescribed the Ativan drug to me for my insomnia and for unpleasant anal spasms. Yes, I have no shame in talking the truth about this disease. I just hope my talk of my experiences will make your life experiences much easier to deal with. I have talked with others who have it far worse than I do believe it or not. There is always someone out there in this world who may have it much worse.

Now if I don't take anything for sleep, I often just roll around for all hours of the night, going to the bathroom every half hour or so and it can be completely miserable. I really want my body to get adequate rest without any (chemical) help but it just doesn't occur naturally as often as I wish it could be.

When I was working, this became a big problem because sometimes I wouldn't get to bed until after 1am then awake at 5:30am. Being tired at work was often hard but I am pretty tough and I dealt with it. I hope to get a good sleep pattern by the time I get to back to work on December 1st. I will try my best! That's all you can do in life is do your best; right?

Today, I went to have a romantic lunch with my husband at the Olive Garden. Right before I picked him up and he was outside with a co-worker when all of a sudden a huge 6 point buck walked up to them and stood there for about 15 minutes just looking right at my husband. We both thought of that baby that died on Saturday when we had gone on our motorcycle ride. It was site to see I am sure! Hearing this story on our way to lunch made me love him all the more! I guess I just love him more and more each day!

At lunch I ate some salad which I hadn't had the pleasure of having for at least 2 months. My doctor feels I can't digest salad because its "too much roughage" and my system will have problems. It was worth it and we even splurged and had some Pumpkin Cheesecake!

Well, currently I am suffering from yet another abdominal blockage. The sounds from intestines have been increasing steadily with each passing hour. It must be tiring to read about all of these blockages! I must seemingly get them all the time! It seems one after another will happen and it's all due to trying to digest food. Well, I should know they are tiring to have.
I know, I need to eat better things but sometimes that excuse "You only live onces" happens.

So what else has happened this week? Anything interesting? Well yes and no.

On Monday, October 20th, I had taken Miss Blue Belle for her walk and had gone to get coffee and donuts for my husband. I had my hands full when walking in the door and Tonto was crying and inquiring as to why he didn't get to do, so with that prior to me slamming the door shut; he takes it upon himself to rush out the door as I am slamming it. I realize immediately that "OMG! I just slammed the door on Tonto!". He didn't seem bothered by it at all at the moment.

The rest of the day he just hid and I didn't see or hear from him until after 3pm. I was upstairs and saw him sitting on the edge of the closet. He didn't look very comfortable and when I walked over to pet him, he cried and showed me his swollen foot. I picked him up to see if he could walk on it. He cried and limped forward. He really seemed to be hurting, so I called the vet. The vet had no available appointments and it really seemed like Tonto was in serious pain. He was crying and wanting me to do something. The vet told me that emergency charges would be upwards of $200 or more and having to watch our money, I decided to try to take care of him myself.

I was scared that his bone was broken because he couldn't walk on his foot at all. I cried blaming myself for hurting this poor cat, so I took him into the bathroom and tried in the only way I knew how to get of his pain. I got my cat stoned with the vaporizer. I also got some frozen pees and massaged him and placed the peas on his swollen foot. All that effort to get him better seems to have worked.

He just fell asleep and slept the rest of the day and then the next morning, he was walking on his bad foot until I ignored him after he had already been fed. He just wanted more food and of course he is on a diet; I refused, so he started to limp again. I imagine he was just milking it for all it was worth. He knew I felt bad for slamming his foot in the door.

The swelling in his foot went down dramatically. and I knew I wouldn't have to bring him to the vet. It was obvious that his bone was not broken. I was thankful. He is much better and doesn't limp at all anymore and its almost as if his foot was never hurt. He doesn't rush to escape out the door anymore!

I also went to a local bicycle shop on Wednesday to go look at Beach Cruisers! I road a few bikes and finally settled on one. It was so comfy to ride and road just perfect; not bending over and falling off the bike because of it being too big and bulky or confusing gears. I told my husband that I went looking and found the bike I wanted.

He was excited that he finally found something sweet to get me. He was so excited as he looked all over the internet finding pretty ones and then calling me to look up websites with all kinds of pretty bikes. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I had the store (Hyland Family Bikes) hold that one because he was just so excited about the opportunity to pick out a bike for me. This place has been around since 1963 and it is a family owned business. I have purchased a bike here before for a good friend of mine and have sworn to come back and get one for me. This should be interesting to see how it plays out. I did call my accountant and it is something we can write off as a business expense being that I do wish to own a green business and would utilize the bike for dropping off orders.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

The Tragedy of loving animals...

We awoke a little after 9am. It took my husband and I a while to get up and to start our day. We relaxed on the couch enjoying a lazy Saturday morning together watching TV for a little while and drinking some coffee. We finally got our showers and into our motorcycle gear for a ride down highway 9. My friend had left her only phone charger in my house when she was last visiting a couple of days ago so I put her charger (in case we were able to stop by) in my leather jacket pocket along with anything else I would need for my ride.

The ride was both fun and exhilarating until I started to get a little cold as we headed up into the mountains on Highway 9 heading then onto Skyline Blvd towards SF. The road was so curvy and my butt felt as if it might fall off the seat just a few times. (God I want a bitch bar for my husband's bike!). I think I must have frozen up in fear just a handful of times.

We continued on as I looked over to my right at the beautiful scenery of the bay! We road past a gorgeous winery and some more beautiful mountain like homes. I dreamed of how nice it must be to live in such a beautiful home! It was cool to see the farm animals, like goats, cows, and plenty of horses.

We stopped for a late, late lunch at Alice's Restaurant in Woodside, CA. This was a nice little restaurant where lots of bikers (both kinds= motorcycles and bicycles) stopped in for a nice break. We called my friend to let her know where we were and that we would try our best to stop by to drop off her charger and then ate our delicious lunch.

After we finished our lunch we continued onto 84 (?) and I counted out loud the numbers of horses I saw; overall a gorgeous fun ride!


As we were driving home, we noticed 2 cars just in front of us stopped at a pretty dangerous curve but one where you would need to drive somewhat slow (20mph) and as we slowed to a stop, and then a baby deer that had just been hit. We rolled slightly right past her and stopped. I looked back at the baby and right away noticed that she was still breathing and just overall sad as she could be. I just couldn't help myself. There was another car that rolled to a stop right at her body as I jumped off the bike and went to move her body out of the road. She didn't even weigh as much as my cat! She was so tiny and laying there so broken and struggling with hopefully her last breaths. I wanted her to go to heaven as soon as possible and to not suffer as she looked like she was. I can't kill something so cute and beautiful not even to put her out of her misery. Tears just rolled down my face as I jumped back on the bike to continue past the two parked cars that were in front of us. The drivers were outside of their cars examining damage done and my husband yelled to them they must move on.

My husband believes that the fawn must have fallen down off the mountain onto the car because where we were it was quite dangerous to be parked on those types of curves (Skyline Blvd past Woodside and heading towards 280). As we were riding on, my husband asked me if I was crying and my voice cracked to say "I'm OK" and tears are streaming down my face.

We got stuck in some more traffic but I just wanted to go home. We didn't go to my friend's house and I was too cold to go further north where I felt I might freeze. It was almost 5 and we needed to get home to feed the animals. We did stop at our local pub for a beer to take the edge off the sad, sad, scene. We saw our neighbor and told him of our fun ride and then the tragic part. As the two men talked about having a tire iron or a knife to slit the baby fawn's throat! I covered my ears and walked inside to get a beer.

The rest of the evening involved trying to forget about the poor little baby deer. I said a prayer for her that she please be able to go to heaven and just continued to think good thoughts for her. I named her Ginger for some odd reason.


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Thursday, October 16, 2008

Old Dogs Telling me Something?.....

Well today turned out to be a very successful day as far as getting things done. I left around 11:15am to have lunch with my husband at a Round Table Pizza in order to utilize our Shark Tickets being that the San Jose Sharks had indeed scored at least 4 points during that game so we qualified for some free pizza only I wouldn't be able to eat pizza, but I did order a sandwich. What kind of sucked was that this particular Round Table would not honor the free pizza deal with our Sharks Tickets. You have to utilize those tickets before 7 days after the game and today was indeed the 7th day. Well didn't get to use those tickets after all again!

After the lunch with my sweetie, I was able to wash my dirty car and then go home and make an appointment for Tonto at 4pm that same day. He has this scab on his side that we couldn't figure out what it is. My husband was worried about him and we thought it might be cancerous since he had thought that over the few days that the scab was getting bigger. I honestly couldn't tell, but we did shave his side which looked kind of funny. Since he does gets to go over to our neighbors every so often so I was tempted to fix his funny hair cut and shave "Obama" on his left side for now. It would have been cool to walk him with the "Obama" on his side and for my neighbor to see. I didn't but I am still tempted too!

I decided to take Blue Belle with me while I took Tonto to the vet. Last time I took him by himself, he freaked and was mad at me for 2 days. He thought I was picking on him so I took her to calm him in the car. The two just sat in the backseat together and he cried for a little bit at first. They both sat on the examining table together and the vet was able to examine him even though Blue Belle was also on the table.

He didn't have anything life threatening on him and it turned out to be a bee sting and he had an allergic reaction to the bee sting. It makes sense because he does love to chase bugs and eat them too. He does need to loose around 5 lbs or 1/3 of his weight. We just changed his diet to "Wellness" Healthy weight cat food which only has 8 % fat of which most cat foods have around 18-25% fat. He exercises about 40 minutes per day and sometimes we even get him to exercise for up to an hour.

After the Vet visit I took both of them to Pet Food Express for a bath. Tonto cried for a while and then got over it and enjoyed his bath. They both feel very pretty and proud to be clean for now!

Once my husband got home from work we took a friend of ours to dinner at Aqui in Downtown Campbell for some great food on their outside deck. What a gorgeous October night. Blue Belle got to sit outside and show everyone there how pretty and soft she was. We later went over to our friends house (the couple who made me the black and gold bear with love). They have 2 Manchester Terriors. One is around 10-12 years old maybe older and he's partially blind with cataracts. The other is a female (Rosie) and she is about 5 years old. Here is a little something I figured out for myself during this visit.


I just figured out something cool about some old dogs that I have had the experience of being around. These older dogs belong to friends of mine but they have some sort of bond with me where they gaze into my eyes, look at me compassionately, then they will sit next me lovingly and then fart. Some farts are loud and some soft, but they all stink in the worst way! It is unpleasant for all of these old dogs to come over and fart next me. Sometimes, it turns my stomach and makes me want to throw up, but thank god I had just smoked a bowel and was stoned because it really did make it easier for me to sit there while those old dogs farted next to me. Sometimes even old men will fart next to me in the grocery store. Maybe its just me, but its almost as if the world really wants me to be able to fart. Bless their bottoms!

These blocks I sometimes suffer make it where I can barely fart and its so incredibly painful. My bowels will make lots of noise trying hard to get things through but something in there is blocking me. Its frustrating that I have to face this almost daily, but I'm ALIVE!!

Its always a blessing to wake up each morning because sometimes I wonder if the end will be anytime soon. I know that might sound a bit weakening on my part, but I can't help but worry sometimes. I love life that much more!

I actually feel that I get stronger each time I listen Barack Obama speak! He really is inspiring me more and more and its almost as I can forget about the pains that I may be experiencing at the time. It's like a feeling of excitement and a connection to this inspirational leader. I really look forward to having a new future with such an inspirational likable leader. We may even be able travel proudly all over the world without being dogged as stupid and foolish. America smart?

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Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Chemo today and postponing returning to work....

I had to post this photo of Miss Blue Belle sporting her Ovarian Cancer awareness bandanna.

I just got an email from my job wanting to know if I would in fact be returning to work on the 22nd. It seemed doubtful that I would feel good enough to return back to work as I read the email. I have to admit that I was in a feeling of depression at the time, because I really do miss my friends at work.

I should at least finish this round and another prior to returning to work. I just need more time to heal and to go through more chemo. No stressing, just healing. It was a hard decision to make because I was looking forward to being back at work and being around my friends. I had my intravenous chemo today as I had started the Etoposide just last night.

My chemo doctor found a large mass in my intestine today and we will be getting a CAT scan to find out what it is and what is causing these abdominal blockages. The size of this mass is about the size of a grapefruit. It could just be waste this is stuck in my intestine, but what ever it is, it feels like a rock and my oncologist is concerned enough. We might be able to rid myself of the knot through drugs or surgery. We just don't know right now.

I went home shortly after chemo and crashed for the rest of the day.

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Monday, October 13, 2008

Last Chemo Treatment for now....

No this picture is not of me, but it is of Tonto my silly Manx kitty who is trying hard to make me feel better. He likes to make faces as me just to hear me laugh at him. It worked!

Lately, I have been suffering the effects of another painful bowel blockage and debating if I am ready to return to work a week from Wednesday (October 22nd). The pains from my current blockage comes and goes and what happens is that same feeling of getting kicked in the stomach accompanied with the sour milk, then my stomach swells and then it tries to move wastes or what ever it happens to be through my body.

It is fascinating to watch but the sounds are a bit disturbing. I do have to admit that I worry sometimes that what if this violent explosion sounds really are my intestines exploding from the harsh chemicals of the chemo deteriorating my insides.

I just started back on Etoposide for right now. I plan to take small breaks in between in this two week treatment. I have to look out for the best interests of my body and if it becomes to painful, I may just have to stop. Its the watch and wait game for now.

I stumbled upon a support group on Facebook for people whose lives are affected by Ovarian cancer. Its amazing how many wonderful women have lost their lives to this disease; some seemingly strong like me, I read some of their journals of their struggles and then see the last entry completed by a loved one who announces that the battle is over and that another angels has gained wings.

Its really sad to read these journals or blogs, but despite the grim realities of these women who often face death right around the corner; I still have faith in heart that I will survive this. I don't know what it is but I just have faith.

I do credit medicinal cannabis for now; I'm not suffering to the point that I am in total misery. The natural medicine does make it much easier for me to maintain a normal function in life for right now. That normal function involves me being able to get out of bed, take the dog for a walk, exercise, eat, clean my house, just do things rather than lay in bed all day.
I also have to give credit to the supportive people in my life right now.

In my previous posts about negative people, the truth to that is that I can't be around those who feel sorry for themselves, play victim, or are negative about life in general. I need positive support right now and those who talk badly about others or just place blame on others for things in their lives that may not be perfect. We all have a bit of control in each of our destiny's.

Life is to be treasured and to find the positive in the right now rather than focusing on the negative most of the time. Its good to acknowledge the bad, but take the good with the bad and you can get by the harder times much easier.

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Sunday, October 12, 2008

A new type of wealth....

Well despite this horrible economic crisis we face, you can just look around you and notice the wealth that you already posses. No not the stocks that have tanked or the money lost in 401K, your family, your health, your right now.

Money isn't everything, but I am now able to get my medicine and even some organically grown greens and veggies for free. I have a friend who will grow some plants for me and other patients as well who also need the medicine and of course a neighbor who will supply fresh organic veggies in exchange for my my worm tea from my composter to feed the plants.

I was able to trade in my fat clothes for some skinny clothes from a good friend of mine so now I have new wardrobe for returning back to work in 1 week.

I think I can now be about bartering for now and saving as much money as possible. I am also beading and making necklaces to trade for other home necessities as well. This may very well be like the Great Depression. Our ancestors survived that and I too have faced similar hard times when I was small child in the 70's. My father had lost his job soon after he had moved us several states away; we didn't have much money for food, but we survived anyway even from gathering food in dumpsters behind grocery stores, or from the kind neighbors and friends, trading, and also living on a farm with a milk cow and chickens. We learned so much how be more self sufficient and to not waste more than we take. It's not pleasant to experience poverty being that we had to do what we had to do to survive, but in life it is about accomplishing just what you have to do to get by.


Well do please forgive me for some of the ads displaying on this blog. Its just a small way to help my impoverished mother in SC. Some of the money raised on my blog helps my mother to pay small bills as she struggles to keep her mill job from moving to China. It's just starting to happen and I am working on a new resume for her being 62 years old and having to face the job market. This is a just a small way for now that I can help her.

It certainly does no good to worry about things like money or paying bills. Those will always be there, but your loved ones are what really needs to be cherished right now. We can't always guarantee that we will always be there but we can at least try to.


Last night, my stomach swelled up in pain from another intestinal blockage. It could be the popcorn I shared with my husband during the game on Thursday night or a number of things.

I had gone out to eat with some friends both during lunch and dinner. I couldn't eat too much because of the pain but it got worse through out the night. I took a Benadryl and that konked me out but today I kept getting the feeling that someone had just kicked me in the stomach. It nearly took my breath away so I utilized my faithful Vaporizer and a couple of bong rips. I coughed and coughed and coughed, but finally the pain had been reduced to nearly nothing. Finally, I just couldn't get enough to drink, so I did my prune juice, Miralax and White tea mixture. Hopefully my intestine will untangle itself on its own but for now at least I have medicine for pain relief and a quality of life. Yes, it frustrates me so when the reality sinks in that I can't really eat like normal people.


Saturday, October 11, 2008

Life Goes on Despite Money Losses....

Despite all the bad things that are happening in our economy, the money being lost, the greed; there is still good in this world to be thankful for.

It's really all about knowing some good people with real heart; those who are fighting for our country, saving lives, educating others about truth, those who are helping the less fortunate, or those who recognize the wrong and try to do all that they can to make things better for all of us, or even just helping out good friends and family who perhaps need it or even animals and the ordinary people who generally do kind things selflessly for others as it is appreciated.

Life still goes on and what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. I have been taught this my whole life mainly by my mother. So why do I feel so powerful while I am fighting this disease? Life to me if worth fighting for. I have the most awesome husband and best friend, I have great friends, my family, his family which is my family too, hopefully a good job, but I do have faith and lots of hope in my heart that things will get better.

We are all suffering at this point, but we have to enjoy the right now and that's lasting moments that really do count. Do you have the freedom to just go outside and witness life's miracles? You have to be able to see good things around you and to recognize those good things. Even if you are sitting here reading this blog, you really have to treasure your right now. Things could always be worse than they are and you have to be thankful for that.

I purposely avoided the news for most of today, because I had such a good day. I did think about the Great Depression and how some people didn't have the fight in them to keep going even though they were faced with hard times. Hard times are not that bad and things do have a way of getting better. I think this disease has made me so fearless. I've been there done that and things will get better.

I have never felt that money is in any way worth loosing a life for nor taking one. No amount of money is ever worth that. Yes, I do believe in an eye for an eye and I hope those responsible for all of this mess, pay dearly for what they have done for all of us. If you do something bad, then you must pay. One should never be wasteful and should always look our for your children or other's children. Selfishness and greed are what causes the bad in this world.

Children are our future, in fact we all are if we really want to be a part of it. Why be so greedy so that you can have so much more that you can't take with you when you are gone? One who complains, plays victim of everything in their life, or is in someway displays their extreme selfishness is not the life that really has meaning for others to have to be around. Most would wish for either a death or just to go far, far away instead of cherishing that time around them.

Every life with a heart is invaluable because the heart in someone is what makes someone all the more missed when they are gone. It's that hurt in a loved one's heart when someone dear passes on. Its a horrible pain to have to go through, but with every life that is lost there is new life being born or reborn.

I have so many really good hearted friends that around me and doing such nice thoughtful things for me that I can't help myself that I must show the world the good that is in this world in my point of view.

My wonderful friend and neighbor treated me to a wonderful massage today. It felt absolutely wonderful to have 65 minutes of tender care to my body. I haven't had a real massage since maybe 2004 (4 years ago). Sometimes my honey will give me a good massage when I am in pain, but this one was indeed different. It was actually was done by a massage & body therapist. According to my friend this place in Los Gatos, CA offers the "Wellness Oncology Massage" for cancer patients and this seemed perfect for me. I need a little faith right now and a great massage.

What made the most sense of this massage is that patients often experience deep feelings of alienation brought on by continually "being sick". Often cancer sufferers are not touched - except to be poked, prodded or measured by the medical caregivers. The soothing touch of friends and family, in inadvertently avoided through ignorance or subconscious boundaries, can be missed, adding to the feeling of aloneness. The Spa in Los Gatos offers appointments for cancer patients and it was quite nice to have.

What a great friend to treat me to this. I got to learn pressure point spots on my body in which to tap to get rid of some of the intestinal pain I often suffer. I also got to repeat over and over again about the pain just going away. Perhaps repeating over and over again and meditating can finally make my cancer mysteriously go away. It can't hurt trying! The power of the mind is more so than we can ever give credit to.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Fun at the Sharks Game....

My father had called me earlier today to tell me that he had just awakened from a major knee surgery. The surgery itself was a success and I was happy for him that he finally got his second knee fixed all in one year. It will be a hard road ahead for his recovery, but once that part is over it just gets better. We talked for a little while as I updated him on my progress with my health. I am still getting over a very serious cold actually both me and my hubby are still battling this cold.

I feel I initially got this cold from a young family who was standing directly behind me at the Safeway across the street. This particular Safeway is pretty disease ridden as I remember catching most of my colds here. My husband doesn't even want me to shop there anymore. I may just head his advice. Getting a cold usually happens while waiting in line; someone sick will almost always get behind me and for me, I really have to be very careful when getting in line in case someone in front of me might be sneezing or hacking. My immune system is low considering being on chemotherapy treatments.

Well a very sick looking family got behind me at the store nearly 2 weeks ago. The mother and her 2 children were both coughing like crazy. They should not have been shopping and spreading the cold to everyone throughout the store. The children were coughing opening behind me (without covering their mouths)and I even think I got spit on just a little bit. I know for sure this is how I got sick anyway to get back to talking with my father. He was worried about my low blood counts and getting extremely sick or catching pneumonia. Yes, its still a concern as it takes me about 10 times longer than most to get over a cold. I am feeling better, but still kind of coughing as I get over this cold.

I told my father that we were indeed getting ready to go to a San Jose Shark's game. He was very happy to see that I keep on living no matter what. My husband and I are always having fun together.

My father and I reminisced about the game that we had gone to all together back in October 2006 (just 2 years ago). We sat in the second tier, it was an exciting game only the Sharks had lost. It was still fun to go and to spend quality time together creating those memories.

Yesterday, my husband and I were given free tickets to go see the San Jose Sharks first home game opener (I think I am pronouncing this right). A close friend of my husband's gave up the two tickets so that my husband and I could get out to enjoy the game; to get out together and to have a nice romantic date.

There was a really cool street party going on just before the game which we had much fun walking around and people watching. I loved seeing all the teal colors as it reminded me of the Ovarian Cancer Ribbon. I think I will write someone about funding this #1 Gynocologist White Ghost of a killer. It certainly is worth the effort.

My husband and I walked around looking for the perfect Christmas cards to send home to our family. This one looks like a winner. We got our photo taken by a very nice Firefighter who shot this photo in front of the actual Shark Firetruck. There were several really cool painted Shark vehicles. We try to get a few good pictures together each year to send to our families at Christmas time to let them know that we continue to have fun together no matter what.

Right before the game, the theatrics were amazing in that they had these giant projectors, jumbo trons which started out with this giant thunderstorm over the ocean, ice being created and thunder striking the water, displaying what looked like sharks swimming just below the ice. I got somewhat of good photo here. You can see the HD display of water and Sharks swimming around madly. The only thing that bummed me out was that they forgot to lower the big Shark Head. It sat up above un-utilized. Maybe it was intentional but it still a great show before the game. It really got the whole crowd energized as well as the team. My husband and I were bad in that we fell temptation to popcorn and I had my usual justification as only living once and to enjoy right now and right then I wanted popcorn. I didn't eat too much, but hopefully I won't have to suffer too much over the next couple of day.

The San Jose Sharks played a very flawless game entertaining game; I think they only got 1 penalty through out the game but did get a few Power Play goals. We were hoping for a Hat Trick for Jonathan Cheechoo, but we were not disappointed with this game at all. I was amazed at their skill. The Sharks beat the Anaheim Ducks 4-1.

NHL Interactive

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Simple technology for chemo brain and old person brain....

Well I did get to give my husband the wonderful gift of my cold. I hate that he is suffering as he has been but if its any consolation I am starting to feel better. I have 1 more intravenous chemo treatment next week on the 14th, exactly 7 days before I start my first day of work. Its been really nice to have these days off where I can sort of do a few things for me, like sleeping in or doing errands, visiting with friends and also being stress free all while being able to heal myself from these strong treatments.

Since I am known to forget things all the time, I have found that lists definitely work. I can't get a whole lot done with out a list. I have been known to a call my pad of paper "an extension of my brain". Its nice to visualize what can be inside my head which is why I like to jot things down when I remember them.

The chemotherapy treatments do cause brain damage and a lot of times it can be permanent. Sometimes, I can be midways through a sentence and then all of a sudden I forget many details such the name of a person I am talking about and sometimes too if I have only known the person from meeting just a handful of times. It is possible to learn new things, but it doesn't come the first time, second time, third time, maybe more, maybe less, but things can sink in with a little bit of effort on my part, but take a pad a paper just in case to job down things. It really works for me.

Now my husband got me a GPS for my birthday last year and it has proven to be gas saver and stress reducer. I never get lost any more from Yahoo or Google maps; instead I have a nice friendly voice to guide me where I am going even in downtown San Francisco, San Jose, and even Santa Cruz. I just plug in the address prior to starting the car and it will always guide me in the right direction even if I don't know any of the roads or the direction that I am going. I just put my faith on my dependable little device.

It sure has helped me get out of the house to go visit with friends who have recently moved or would like me to meet them somewhere I have never been before. My little trusty device, Blue Belle in the backseat, here I come!

Now I do have rules when I do use my little device, NO using or trying to punch in addresses or buttons while I am driving! This is a great gift for any chemo patient who likes the freedom of driving around, but hates getting lost of having chemo episodes of forgetting the direction they are heading! I have found that I did loose my sense of direction as well with the chemo brain and older age as well, so a GPS also helps me with road rage. I am much calmer on the road and at ease having this little device guide me. How many times have I gotten angry at Yahoo for their bogus directions? A GPS saves you insanity! I really can't stress that enough.

Another cool thing about my TomTom is that if my husband and I go on vacation, we can bring it with us while we are walking around looking for landmarks or restaurants. It can pull up restaurants in the area or if you are running out of gas it can tell exactly where a gas station is and can guide you to that mystery gas station. No more stress while driving!

Here are just a few I recommend; I got the cheap Tom Tom and am completely satisfied. It may not shout out the names of the streets I am to turn on but it does give me plenty of time to know which direction I will be going or turning.


Sunday, October 5, 2008

Moved by Love for Me.....

Well this cold is still sticking around but I'm starting to feel a little better. I have been coughing for days. I can kind of handle eating some normal food like chicken noodle soup with some crackers at least for right now. I haven't been suffering as much from abdominal blockages since I stopped the chemo (at least for now). There just hasn't been a need for any pain relief which is a very good thing. Just suffering from the cold and slowly getting over it.

I ended up cleaning up part of the house, doing some laundry, cleaning the kitchen, and even researching political stuff on the internet. I have to admit I've been quite obsessed with the current election. It will be an exciting one that's for sure. We have red flags before us in which to base our decisions on including backgrounds and evidence of each's judgment. We just have to make the right decision for our country First (not greed, but really our Country). Yes, one of the parties isn't being honest and I have a huge problem with that. I am working on my other blog (http://peacefulliberal.blogspot.com) I will not get any further into politics because I am updating on my health. No more stress for me.


Check out this beautiful Black bear with 2 gold button eyes, a gold nose with a gold ribbon; it was made by a friend. Well, I easily got moved today when my husband got home from watching sports. One of our friends that we had met at the local Pub; actually there are 3 friends, one is a neighbor to this couple (they're two young gay men), and a very sweet woman (she actually gave me a very sweet card a few weeks ago). Anyway this couple is also very, very sweet and they each have hearts of gold . I guess I tend to say that about a lot of people that I know; well because its true. It makes me feel good to know people like this because it gives me faith that the world has many of these types of people who really do out number the bad.

These are the type of people that really inspired me to start ShoppingKharma the blog. Well, anyway, these friends are a lot of fun to hang out with and they always seem to have something to say that can get me laughing; in other words, a great sense of humor. I can sit there and listen to them tell stories all day long about their lives and what they are up to.

Here I placed his teddy bear next to the one that my friends at work got me. See they match pretty good there!

The reason that I know that this couple are good hearted loving people is because they love animals. I tend to trust animal lovers over non animal lovers much, much more. If you notice animals are a better judge of one's character than we tend to be.

To get back to this couple, one is from the Bay Area and the other one is from Boone, NC (he has the cutest southern draw ever). He had been working on this teddy bear for a long time (like months) and he finally finished it. He doesn't really hang out at our local pub all that much, so I only see him ever couple of months or so. My husband was about to leave to come home and the other one, wanted my husband to stay just a little bit longer so that his boyfriend could bring this cute teddy bear for me. Anyway, he gave it to my husband to give to me and let me tell you; it really warmed my heart when my husband told me that he had made this bear just for me.

There is just something about these random acts of kindness that just mean the world to me. I know they might not seem like much, but to me they really are. No matter how hard I feel like I can be suffering or hurting, I can just think of all of warm hearted friends who are often thinking of me and just wanting nothing more than to do something nice for me.
I can't help but stop and just reflect on how nice it is to have warm hearts think of you that way and just wanting to do something really nice for little old me.

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Saturday, October 4, 2008

Finally! The Rain has begun!

I am sitting her sniffling, coughing, aching, stuffy head cold and not sleeping, but overall happy that the rain has now begun! Winter is now on the way! I just heard there is already a huge snowstorm in the west! Even though I am sick and it is raining, it is a good day to be sick and stuck inside with my loving husband.

I just can't wait to go snowboarding! I just sit and dream about it sometimes! In just a month or 2 my husband and I should be heading up for the mountains and enjoying the feeling of nature at its finest! I know, but I'm sick; well not for long. We have lots to look forward to because life goes on. I plan to get stronger and better!

Snowboarding is just my way to escape the sickness and my body and feel that feeling of euphoria! A natural high of going very fast through the soft snow and cold air hitting my face making me feel more alive than ever. My husband struggling behind me to keep up, actually we do quite well together in that winter wonderland! I will dream some more about it!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Caught a cold & some more...

Well my Camera is on its last leg as you can clearly tell from this photo of my toilet and of my tummy and more. Yes, I left the lid down, it was just that kind of day. I have been patiently waiting for a camera (Nikon D80) from RazzPhoto since June 9th. (DO NOT ORDER FROM THIS COMPANY) Yes they have great prices, problem is they don't have any products.

My dad tried his best to order me this camera, but its been on backorder since June 9th and chances are they never will get that camera in. I think its a front for bait and switch. They tried to sell my father an expensive battery pack with the camera which I had already purchased for $71 and have already received, but the battery pack they wanted to sell my dad was for over $250. If you type in this company, there are dozens of complaints and I just checked out the Better Business Bureau and they more than enough complaints. Sorry to got off track.

To get back to my beloved toilet; well the last couple of days have been challenging to say the least. Remember how my life always seems to revolve around me shitting? Well I am definitely not kidding. Saturday night, all day Sunday and part of Monday were extremely painful for me as I endured yet another painful bowel blockage. It really doesn't take anything to get my bowels blocked but with just a little effort and patience, they can get unblocked.

I really have to get it together soon so that I can go back to work on October 21st. I need to get a good diet and program that can get functioning back to normal. It could be the chemo that is affecting me but now that I am off of it and just have 1 more infusion, I should be OK by then; just have to be positive.

Well to begin with Sunday night of all the nights, was the one night that really seemed like an emergency room night as I continued to cram more Prune Juice, Miralax, enemas, Poopy Teas, suppositories and even laxatives for the pure desperation of just wanting to take a shit so that I wouldn't have to go through having an NG tube stuffed up my nostril. How incredibly uncomfortable and unpleasant! I often wonder how people can actually sniff chemicals up their nostrils like meth and coke because truthfully, I can't even begin to comprehend how incredibly painful it must be and to torture yourself voluntarily like that?

I think the NG tube experiences have more than crashed any of my inclinations to even try stronger drugs. The chemo and pot are plenty enough for me. In all, I try my best to limit the amounts that are given to me by my physicians. I'm completely fine with my doctor choosing not to prescribe heavy narcotics for the pains I have been experiencing. Narcotics are what cause me extreme constipation in the first place. I would just be forced to endure living in a hospital with an NG tube and an IV for morphine. What kind of a life is that? Sadly in some states, that would be my only option. Thank god for California! I can have a quality of life for a young person like me! I don't have to live in the hospital!

Well to get back to my blockage, I stopped eating on Sunday part of Monday (I had 1 Ensure). Sunday was the day of extremism (Prune Juice, Laxatives, Poopy Teas, Enemas, Suppositories). I really wanted to take a dump now more than ever. Wow, on Monday, no let's just call that day Shit Day because that's exactly what it was for me. Monday, was literally Shit Day.

I really wanted to video tape the experience while this was happening (no not me poopin) but the actual blockage. I literally looked as if I am about 5 - 6 months pregnant with my stomach so swollen from a painful bowel blockage, but I just didn't feel like being on film. I was in total misery from the pain. Here is a photo which clearly shows how swollen my stomach gets. Sometimes it feels as if my stomach is going to explode and it even makes explosion sounds. One day I promise I will film or at least try to record the sounds of my stomach.

When my stomach swells like that and makes so much noise; it really is fascinating. I sometimes wonder how I can still be alive with all that happening and all the pain that I experience during all of this. I was very close to filming (need to charge batteries on camcorder, then the downloading which is quite slow) doing just that, but I was just too incapacitated and in severe pain. I also don't like how I look in film but I will get over it soon, I promise.

Poor Miss Blue Belle didn't get to go on any long walks and we seriously tried to, but we did get to run really, really fast back to the house for a good poop! Hey, at least it was coming out!

Tuesday was just another day for pooping, but I couldn't really eat anything because I was feeling nauseated and feeling the start of a sore throat. I tried to eat some chicken and rice soup but I could tell a cold was just coming on.

My husband called me yesterday and told me that he got the OK to take starting today through a week from Monday off! How happy that made me! That means that we get to take a romantic get away that we seriously need. He has been overworked and hasn't taken a vacation in nearly 2 years. What a great day!

Well last night was a hard night to sleep as I was restless the entire night. My throat officially felt as if I were swallowing razor blades. I took several Sucrets that I had bought at Safeway and those did not work in any way shape or form. They just tasted bad and made my teeth feel as if they were rotting. How do companies get away with making products that are so inferior to what they advertise them to be? I finally got up at 4am and gargled some hot salt water which kinda sorta worked. Well I do get to enjoy hanging out with my husband these next two weeks!

In all, I just hope my experiences will help countless others to appreciate their lives a whole lot more as I fight this battle. I love everyday of life even though I struggle in so much pain sometimes, I just have so much in my life to live for!


Almost forgot, am many of you already know, I am a serious animal lover and will stand up to anything I feel is wrong being done to them. I am also an avid supporter of Defender's of Wildlife and what they do for wild animals. I thought I would help them out by posting this video of Sarah Palen support for Aerial hunting. Aerial hunting is a barbaric sport of hunting wildlife from aircraft. It doesn't give an animal the chance that the real sport of hunting should be about. From the aircraft unfortunately the hunter shoots from a further distance at the animal than from ground and many times may hit the animal and then loose it. What happens is that this animal will eventually die a slow painful death. Fact of the matter is, Sarah Palen wasted tax dollars on a Propaganda campaign to hunt animals that were supposed to be protected and also paid hunters $150 bounties for left hind legs of these beautiful animals.

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
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