WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Monday, June 29, 2009

What to do on these hot, hot days...

I am not much of a summer person when the temperatures exceed 85 degrees. Well the temperatures were over 103 and total misery to be outside. We could really use some rain here in California but it just doesn't happen at all during the summer months.

Although I do remember a wonderful shopping trip with my neighbor's daughter in Los Gatos; it was a very hot day just like this and all of a sudden as if by magic, there was light sprinkle of rain for about 2-3 minutes. It felt like heaven had rewarded me with this wonderful refreshment. Amanda was feeling quite spoiled at the time and had told me to go to the car to get her an umbrella (no please included in that statement). I was just dancing in the rain as everyone else was all the while she was acting like the rain was melting her body and causing havoc. She didn't feel like getting wet and just stood underneath an awning while I acted a fool. I think she might have been quite annoyed that I wasn't going to get her an umbrella. It was such a very light rain and I finally told her to just lighten up and enjoy the moment for what it was (it's a gift). Finally the rain just stopped and there was no need for any umbrella. It was just our lovely refreshment of the day. Hope that happens again soon!

My friend Nikki came over with her kids and they had a blast in the swimming pool. They had it to themselves for most of the day. The water was 85 degrees and I decided not to get in because of all the children that do tend to swim in that community pool. I had been warned of bacteria inside of pools where lots of children swim. I could get another bladder infection from doing so; oh and by the way that infection I thought I had was just me healing with that stent in my ureter. I checked a new message from my doctor and it turned out that it wasn't an infection and he instructed me to get off of those antibiotics (Septra). I was getting some bad side effects from them like the vomiting and then those severe muscle spasms spontaneously came back. I just suffer from them a few times a day and at night. It's been happening for the last 3 days. I am up to 118lbs and still gaining but also still suffering from some pain. I had been scared that the vomiting would cause me to start loosing more weight again, but thankfully not.

Instead of getting in that contaminated water, I took tons of great photos with my Nikon Coolpix P80. What fun it was to take hundreds of great photos for my 2009 movie to send back to friends and family for this Christmas! I could not believe the quality of photos I was taking. There sure were Lots of great splashes by the kids and the adults and I got most of them!

I did have to get back on those dreaded pain killers (switching between the Vicodin and Percocet); but at least they are doing some good although they do tend to make me feel stupid and and like a total idiot at times. I don't like that feeling at all; if it were up to me I would rather just smoke pot but sometimes I really do need stronger stuff for pain and that can be quite unfortunate for a hard head like me.

On Sunday, we went over to Blue Belle's Boyfriend's house (Jagger's parents) to go swimming in their own personal swimming pool where no children have swam before; the water wasn't heated but the temperature outside was just under 103 degrees, the water did feel absolutely fabulous. I got to swim finally! I didn't feel any kid slobber or get lots of hair caught on my face as I was swimming. No pee bag to stop me and I had so much fun in the water.

I will have to to go shopping for a new swimsuit today (I don't have any that fit me properly) and we will be going to a movie today. My honey is off work on this particular Monday; so we get to spend some more quality time together before he has to go back on Tuesday.

I have been making him lunches and breakfast each morning before he goes to work and of course the coffee maker has been going off each and every morning. I just wish to take care of him as has of me over the months.

I really hate that sometimes I get such severe pain that it really scares him into thinking that I may need to go to the emergency room. (this happened last night). This is really hard on him too to see the love of his life in such severe pain. We had some really bad scares last night just to be honest from the muscle spasms (anal) which also led to some severe vomiting as I was going poo. I almost felt like I was drowning in vomit because it came out so violently. How unpleasant that was but at least I am still alive. It doesn't happen a whole lot lately; maybe 30 minutes of misery but then its gone for a little while. It happened maybe 3 times per day (last 3 days).

My poor bum gets to where it burns like hell too (like I squeezed out a couple of broken light bulbs) and I am forced to take those dam pain killers which I hate with a passion. I'm so scared of getting addicted. My honey gets really frustrated at me for being so hard headed about those pills but I just can't help it. At least I am able to have fun for part of the day and then part of the day I'm stuck on the toilet and the puke pan. I know in my heart that I will get through these rough patches and rough patches they are. Not exactly easy to go through and sometimes I make the most irritating noises of pain but I need to try to calm those down and just tough it out.

Well I should go for now as we are planning a fun day today and hopefully no snags (pains or poos) will stop us! I'm going swimsuit shopping and we plan to go to see "The Hangover" later on today. We both could use a really good laugh of good adult humor!

Well we saw the movie and I give it 3 stars out of 5. It was just OK. I didn't laugh much and nearly fell asleep. I hate when movies get all this hype and you really do expect a good laugh all the way through the movie. Most of the reviews for this movie had A+ and that who ever saw the movie laughed all the way through the movie. It was literally one good review after another for like 3 pages on Yahoo Reviews.

I was initially scared to see the movie because I was scared I might rip my tummy laughing. I nearly did for a movie we watched via Netflix just the other night "Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist". This movie was so awesome and my honey and I laughed all the way through this movie. It was so much better than I expected for teeny bopper movie. It was really cute and totally hilarious. It kind of brought us back to when we were teens and how it was back then.

Movies can be so great to enjoy when your life can be hell sometimes. They can literally take you to another world all together and make you forget all of your problems even for just 2 hours. I have always been a movie buff and when I was young I worked in Movie Rental Store for over 5 years. That was one of my favorite jobs; the pay wasn't good, but being able to watch movies was better than the pay could have ever been.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist was so surprising to see in how detailed this movie was right down to the drunk girl being locked inside a Yugo; guys trying desperately to get her to unlock the doors and then her best friend going "Bitch Open the fucking door!" It worked! That was the most beautiful scene ever! We laughed so hard and my tummy didn't hurt so bad but it did feel good to just laugh my ass off completely. Laughing is so awesome and I'm so convinced it really is the best medicine ever! We sure as hell did not laugh our asses off at this Adult humored movie "The Hangover". I just didn't get it? What the hell was so funny about that movie? I tried to find the humor, but missed it completely. Maybe it's because I'm a woman but nothing worked for me in that movie; I couldn't relate? I'm just happy that I at least got to see one funny as hell movie movie with my honey this weekend!) Thank you Netflix!

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

It's just a cold and Bladder Infection....

I just found out that Farrah Fawcett died today of anal cancer and what an awesome fight she displayed. She really faught a fierce battle with her cancer. I tried to watch her special but just couldn't stomach it. Not that it was a horrible documentary, as it was very depressing. I have lots of depression in my life already and lately have needed more uplifting thoughts to get me by. That's just me; I'm fighting my own battle but I really do wish her family all the best. She is a hero in my eyes.

She is after all another hero for the rest of us Cancer Survivors and she did so much with her life. I am deeply saddened for this is a tremendous loss. I can easily sympathize with her in having to deal with the problems of bowels and I can only imagine what she must have had to go through. My cancer is also in my bowels and I have to deal with this daily. I hope my fight lasts many, many more years. How many more lives have to be lost from this disease before we do something to find a cure? Treatments help prolong life for a little while but if we had a cure, many could survive and be able to live life as others get to do. This disease is a nightmare for both the victim and the caregiver as well as the family and friends.

Wow and Michael Jackson died later on today; that was a shocker. I wasn't too much into his music when I was younger (I was into punk rock and anti pop) but I can appreciate him as an artist. I did love to watch him dance!) I know that he had a rough childhood and didn't get to be a kid and perhaps that's why he got in got into some serious trouble with some kids a few years back (twice). I still don't know what to believe but I do know that he gave us all the gift of music! It's just further proof that you have to enjoy each and every moment that you are given. He had no idea he was going to die on this very day. He was getting ready for his comeback tour and had sold out tickets within seconds from what I understand. Wow! That's how fast things can change. Enjoy everyday that you can; that's the lesson to be learned here.

Well I finally signed up online to Kaiser's online message system and it is convenient to check tests and to get messages from my doctors. Well that's exactly how I found out about this bladder infection and lucky for me, I have enough Septra until they figure out what antibiotic will actually work for me. We should find out tomorrow or soon after. I took just 1 pill and already the diarrhea is out of control and I also got my first 2 zits. Great my face had just cleared up perfectly and now I have to deal with pizza face again. At least I get IDed when I'm on antibiotics (because I appear like a pimply teenager!)

Also this cold (I think we caught it from my dad) has been plaguing both me and my husband as we are both fighting off severe congestion, runny noses, sneezing, and complete misery. We haven't been sleeping much at night because we can't breath very well and have been grumpy at each other at times. It's been particularly hard on me lately and I'm so glad that this cold came later rather than sooner.

I'm so very lucky and blessed that it did come later rather than soon or I would still have my pee bag on because there is no way I would have been operated on if I had any cold symptoms. They asked me if there was any chance I had a cold just to prior to them operating on me and I didn't have any symptoms at that time. Just two days later did those symptoms appear. I'm still being a hard head and getting around and getting things done around the house like laundry and cleaning my new pretty floor. I love my new floor!)

I did get to take my pretty dog for a bath at her favorite dog wash "Pet Food Express". We must have spent about 3 hours there and lots of hair later; I brushed her "Groomer Has it" style. I used the special comb my brother gave me and those scissors; I trimmed her nails, brushed her teeth, and just brushed her all over until hardly any hair fell out on the comb. It took a long time and I'm sure she needed it. I even trimmed her paws so that she won't track so much dirt on my new floors. She looks fabulous and knows it; she's ready for her debut on the cover of Cosmo Dog! Hope her photo has put a smile on your face as it has mine. What a sad day today was.

When we got home from her bath, I finally got to talk to my brother; he too is battling a severe cold and thinks he too got it from my dad. MY poor Dad, he was so sick but he really wanted to see us and he had to deal with that cold the whole time he was here. Next time he will have to get the insurance for the plane ride in case this happens again.

Well back to these antibiotics; I'm dealing with the other side effects which have compounded my diarrhea and I'm hoping that the results of my urinalysis comes back so that I can finally get on the right medication to get rid of this infection. I hate taking a medication that may not be working for me and going through side effects all for nothing.

It seems I'm constantly battling these bladder infections and so much more. I can't seem to get over them. As this severe cold, we do know that it's not the dreaded H1N1 virus (thank god!) but just another virus that's going around. That's great because I'm not in the best of shape to be battling that kind of flu; if it can kill healthy individuals and my battle just can't just end like that. I've been fighting this cancer way too hard to loose to the flu. I am surprised that I'm getting over this cold much faster than my husband and my brother; my symptoms are becoming less and less. I can at least breath out of both nostrils but I am coughing quite heavily and spitting up all kinds of nasties. How un-lady like of me!(

Next week I will be meeting with Dr. Chemo to find out exactly what my battle plan will be for this next round of chemo. Will I need to get a port? Will there be radiation? What kind of chemo drugs will I be getting? Will I loose my hair? If so, I certainly have a beautiful tattoo designed just for my bald head that includes lots of beautiful butterflies and a teal hope ribbon! Everything will be detailed here so be sure to come back for more! May you all have a wonderful day and weekend!) Peace & Love!)

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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Tests, Tests, and more Tests....

Today I decided to take it upon myself to make sure that I don't have the H1N1 virus or just a cold which is what it seems like it is right now. My nose has been running like a snotty kid in 2nd or 3rd grade; totally annoying and the left nostril is completely red and burning from having to keep blowing it all day long. I took several "Nasal Decongestants" which did absolutely nothing; I might as well have eaten a potato chip; that might have worked better. Don't they make over the counter medications that actually work or even test these products just to make sure that they actually work? Apparently not, I just tested them today and they failed miserably. It sucked having snot drip out of my nose constantly today and having to sniffle, sniffle, snot, snot; I can actually feel the sore throat is on the way. Yes, I can feel it now.

The Advice nurse I spoke with this morning recommended that I just eat Bananas, Rice, Applesauce and Toast = BRAT. Great my nose is dripping like a brat and I have to eat BRAT food! Well I ate some applesauce and some toast with Gatorade for breakfast and part of lunch while relaxing and waiting for my doctor's appointment. I got to watch some trash TV and this is Day 4 without any painkillers. I'm so proud of myself because it seems like I have been having to take those stupid things for months now. Don't you get addicted to those things after a few weeks? I don't feel that I am at all now and I am so thankful! Whewwww!

OK, back to going to the doctor's office today (still dealing with severe diarrhea and burning ass!); I had an appointment at 2:45pm today with a new Doctor that I hadn't seen before. She was very nice and very knowledgeable about what was going on with me. She was also quite surprised by the tumor I showed her on my right side (just on top of the rib cage) and she felt that it needed to be addressed and it will be next Monday when I talk with (I will call him Dr. Chemo) Dr. Chemo. He is after all a chemo doctor. You can kind of see the knot in this photo but it doesn't look so big in the photo as does close up. It's quite startling for most to see.

Well this doctor ordered 4 different types of blood cultures, a urine analysis and 3 different fecal samples. She was prepared to test everything just to make sure that I didn't have any infection going on from the surgery performed on Thursday and/or test me for other viruses that have been going around lately. For all I know I could have gotten something from ghetto Safeway across the street. She also checked my lungs, heart, and felt around on my tummy and even tapped my sinuses to see how they were doing (not so good), but she did suggest a saline solution to keep my sinuses from getting infected. I tried to tell her a little more about my history which she told me she tried to read up on and it was vast - It must have been a very thick folder to read. She really seemed like she was impressed with my attitude to keep on going and to enjoy everyday that I can. God knows I've been though a lot!

After the appointment I had to go to the lab for the blood tests and the urine; the phlebotomist was really amazing; she was able to get a clean stick in both arms. I was very impressed, never had that happened ever before ever and my left arm didn't even seem like it had veins there any more. I did make her smile which made me happy because she appeared that she wasn't having a great day or her day had been very long. I had to bring the poop sample bag home with me to try later on. OH BOY!)

I started craving some Harry's Hofbrau turkey dinner; so I stopped and grabbed a child sized dinner which doesn't cost as much as the Adult size and it was so good! I can eat child portions now (well almost) because Adult portions in restaurants could last me a whole week. So much better than that BRAT diet I must say! It might not be as good for me, but hopefully I can gain a few more pounds; more than likely I'll poop it out shortly after. At least I can enjoy eating it more so than the toast and applesauce.

Within an hour, the diarrhea started again and I had to do the most disgusting deed of all. I still can not believe I had to do this! I had to open 3 different medicine like bottles, (the caps were hard as hell to get off) use that tiny little scoop inside each one of those little bottles and then scoop up my own shit into the bottle and then fill up the bottle almost to the top where a line is. It was so incredibly grotesque (I held my breath and just breathed out my mouth so that I didn't gag or even puke) but I did it and I'm so very proud of myself.

Thank god it wasn't as runny as it has been (then I would have really be grossed out!), but it was still the major deal to do! It really seemed like I would never get each bottle filled and the only way I could get those samples was with my Sitz bath pink tub thing only I couldn't use any water; so the poopie was just right there for me to scoop and it was kinda runny to be completely honest and not at all fun to scoop into a bottle. I had to take take 2 poos to fill up all 3 bottles. I scooped up the poo both times!) I'm not kidding! The first one only filled the first bottle and part of the second. What a tedious task to have to do! OMG how undignified!(

Oh the things I have to put up with with this stupid cancer, infections, diseases and so on! I guess I just have to do these weird things if I want to live and I really do! It just seems like this chaos never ends for me. So there you go, if you feel like you had a shitty day; you did NOT! I had shitty day; NO just kidding. But that was very shitty to have to do!( It was by far the shittiest part of my day!

I was able to drive around today, I'm not in the hospital, I got to walk around and I saw several people not able to walk around today; Oh and I don't have pee bag anymore! - so I still feel incredibly blessed!) I got to go home to my beautiful home with my beautiful dog, awesome husband, and crazy strange cat. I got to play a little bit of frisbee until my intestines decided they wanted to spew poo, but I sat down and controlled it while I called my honey to come pick me up. Yes it never ends for me.

UPDATE: I almost forgot; those painful muscle spasms have since calmed and I don't puke any more. I have doubled up on the Protonix (Pantoprazole) which has helped tremendously to reduce the acid reflux or severe heartburn I had been having after eating. I still get heartburn and nausea but it's not as severe as it was. I haven't picked up that puke bucket since before my surgery which is totally awesome!)

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Sunday, June 21, 2009

Almost out of the woods....

Well Friday I slept most of the day and was pretty much groggy all day long (probably from the sedation drugs during the surgery). When I awoke my pee hole hurt like hell and so did my back; so I had to take those dreaded Percocets (ick!). It did the purpose of alleviating the pain but I don't like the side effects of feeling like a kook (somewhat in shock from the pain), watching worthless TV and doing pretty much nothing at all. Yes, prescribed Pharmaceuticals can make you feel more lazy than smoking pot. However, they still have a purpose and we can all live peacefully together!)

I also hardly ate a thing that day; I did not have an appetite at all (tried to eat some pretzels and crackers and couldn't even stomach those). I just knew I would be dropping some more weight. I had just got my weight up to 118.5 before this surgery and was so proud of myself for that achievement. Clothes were finally starting to fit me and I could see a few curves, but still a few bones here and there (OK all over).

I just want to live my life, have fun, and do all the things I was meant to do but lately it seems all of these surgeries have really frustrated me but I know in my heart that I must keep fighting to get stronger. At times it seems I'm not getting any stronger at all and then there are days when I look at the scale and am so happy that I'm finally gaining some weight. It's been a while since I've been frustrated at the scale because I had been maintaining.

I sure was thankful to have hung out with my family last week, I will still have those hard days and then those great days. I deal with my pains in the best way that I can and just try my very best to keep on living. I have everything in the world to live for and its so worth fighting for. Oh, you already knew that about me, huh?

On Saturday (Friday sleeping all day, waking up, watching bad reality shows on painkillers) morning I awoke in a puddle of sweat, my sheets and pajamas was soaking wet. We had a few little home improvements completed that morning; now my beautiful floor is complete. My neighbor's daughter came over to see Blue Belle and we walked out back for a little game of ball. Then I had to go in to pee (been doing that a lot lately and it's not that painful = just burns a little!) I had also made my honey some breakfast, cleaned up the kitchen, swept my beautiful floor, then mopped it, completed several loads of laundry and then it hit me; I was freezing to death. I shivered and chattered my teeth and I could barely get a full breath of air with out coughing. I had to sit down and cover myself up.

I had told my husband earlier to go have some fun with his buddies at his local pub because he has go back to work on Monday. I also failed to eat much too on this day. I didn't know what to eat; I had no idea what I could stomach or even wanted to eat. I tried to eat some soup (chicken & rice), that totally nauseated me, but the little bit of crackers and pretzels were all that I could stomach and I couldn't stomach much. I drank about a quarter of a Muscle Milk and couldn't eat any more after that. The diarrhea had started but thank god it didn't last long (don't think I had much in my system to get rid of!)

I then went upstairs to lie down and my head started hurting as if I were running a high fever. I went to look for the thermometer and checked my temperature. 102.3, I checked it over and over again and it just kept getting higher. I grabbed some small towels and soaked them in cold water; 1 was wrapped around my neck and the other on my forehead. I also ran downstairs for an iced cold glass of water and 2 Extra Strength Tylenols.

My husband returned early and found me upstairs with cold compresses and not looking so good. He did everything he could to wait on me hand and foot; he even walked across the street to get me some Thera-flu Night Time Relief? so that I could konk myself out and sleep through it. He also kept changing my compresses often and bringing me more ice cold glasses of water.

Yes, Saturday night was all about getting that fever down to normal and my honey and I finally did it. We were so relieved when the reading came up at 99.3 (It was 103. 4) and that we were not spending the night in the emergency room. I was so darned stubborn; just not ready to go there just yet (my face is finally clearing up from all those antibiotics).

Well most of the night I would wake up freezing from being soaking wet in my clothes then I had a small case of severe diarrhea (painful asshole!(, the whole 9 yards. I did sleep some and the coughing had subsided but the shortness of breath remained. I utilized my Vaporizer for the butthole pain (it worked!) and then I ran downstairs and drank 3 large glasses of iced water and then konked out. I awoke again in another puddle of sweat but the fever was gone. It was 98.4!) We were both stoked! The fever is gone finally!

Well, as the morning progressed; my honey and I slept in and at around 11:15 the severe chills started up again. My teeth were chattering and I couldn't get them to stop. I didn't have the strength to move so I just laid there while my honey went downstairs to get me some more Extra Strength Tylenol to hopefully keep the fever from going up. I felt like I was freezing to death only I wasn't. He had to keep going up and down the stairs and bringing more water. I took my temperature and it was up to 100.1 and I knew it was going to keep rising and rising it did. I remember my friend Nikki calling me to check to see how I was doing and at the time I had the thermometer in my mouth and it finally beeped. The reading nearly made me fall out of the bed - It was 104, and I kept checking it over and over and over again and same thing.

This could very well have been emergency room time but I still did not want to go. Screw that! My honey went to the bathroom and brought me some cold compresses and some ice and we started to bring it down some more. I took a Motrin (600mg) in hopes that this might help too. I I did go into the bathroom and weighed myself at 111. All that hard work; gone. Well I will just have to start all over again.

My friend Nikki came over later on with her boys and helped me make a fabulous Father's Day - Brats and Cheeseburgers on the grill (I still can't eat much, but I did eat corn on the cob, potato salad that sucked, and some more pretzels and some High Calorie Tiger's Milk? Well she also helped me get my fever back down to normal by making me shaved ice, plenty of cold compresses, making sure that I was comfortable on the couch, and bringing me refills of water when needed. I just needed to eat something and I just didn't know what to eat. Everything seemed so icky and nauseating that was in my refrigerator and the cupboard. I did drink lots of water and Emergencee Vitamin C packets to keep me from getting more sick.

I don't have a whole lot of energy yet to stand up and cook for too long (sometimes my peehole hurts and sometimes its my butthole!( and would rather just have my food ready as lazy as that sounds. Sometimes I have these laziness spells and will just have to work on trying to get stronger. My honey goes back to work tomorrow and I'm on my own healing. I can do this and I also will need to start chemo soon. I had tumors on top of my right rib cage before I started the chemo last time and they kinda sorta went away and now they just resurfaced. It's my duty to talk with my oncologist tomorrow and a nutritionist who can finally help me gain weight the right way!) So much to do in this lifetime!)

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Thursday, June 18, 2009

Pee Bag Be Gone!)

This may be a short post but it is everything that I experienced on this very important day!) It started as a day of unknown realities as any surgery date could be; I just wanted my birthday wish to come true; "to remove this dam piss bag!".

We were told to arrive at 1pm at the "Admission" office, then a few minutes of waiting inside the Radiation department and then an escort to the back where the Interventional Radiology department was located. This is where my surgery would take place. My honey was with me waiting for the first 2 (they were behind) and half hours and we just sat there nervously talking about our love for one another and our plans once the piss bag is removed. Oh GOD do we have plans for living with out the piss bag!

My honey just sat there so handsomely as I wondered why this wonderful man is standing by my side every step of the way. "GOD am I so turned on by this wonderful man!". Check out his handsomeness!) He is more handsome than any George Clooney, Johny Depp, or even Brad Pitt could ever be. As far as I'm concerned, he is the best kind of man there is; one with compassion and most of all Love.

What really got me today is how he told that one of his best friends was working on writing a song about me and how the first few lines made him tear up. How romantic!)

Anyway this is a photo of him talking to the doctor who would then be performing my "Internalization of N. Stint". (That's how I saw it on the big surgery board schedule) He asked just the right questions and even stressed how I just turned 39 on Sunday and that I haven't taken a shower in over 2 months. It was cool how he got to the doctor that way in putting a face and compassion for me. I think the doctor was determined to get that stint through my ureter at this point.

At just past 3:30pm, I was wheeled into surgery as he kissed me on the lips and then the forehead, confessed all of love for me and me for him. We always do this no matter what for any surgery I have. I was so worried during the entire 3 hour surgery (it was supposed to only take 1 hour) that I might have to come home with the stupid bag. I was so thankful to have such a determined team of professionals working to make my dream a reality!) I kept thanking them and telling them sorry every time that I jumped in pain (I tried so hard not to). They were all so nice, attentive, and very compassionate towards me. They knew my battle well and knew I was so deserving of somewhat of normal life (with out a bag).

I was in pretty bad pain through out and almost got sick from the pain. The nice lady kept trying to give me worthless medication for the pain which would last maybe 1-2 minutes and then the pain would come back with a vengeance. I would bite my left hand (right hand had the IV) just to deal with the pain. I just wanted so bad to get rid of the piss bag and was more than willing to go through extreme pain just for this to happen! It was not an easy surgery and I was in pain and still am in a little amount of pain even with pain medications (Percocet, Benadryl).

I was so happy when the surgery was finally a success! What a freaking relief! Check me out with my legs and arms up to show no more leg bag!) My honey was there waiting when I got out of that surgery room with a camera in hand!) NO MORE PISS BAG!) No more tubes in my back irritating the living shit out of me!) I was so incredibly happy despite the pain I was feeling in my back and that feeling of having to go pee; hell some of the pain I was feeling was that I really needed to go pee. My pee hole just ached!

Once the IV was removed, I sat for a few minutes and then I was helped into a wheelchair just 10-15 minutes after the surgery. My honey and I were so happy as he wheeled me out to the hospital entrance, ran and got the truck and then helped me inside. I was still in a great deal of pain, but it didn't matter at all!) I no longer have a piss bag to deal with!) I called as many friends as I could and of course my father to tell him the good news. It was too late to call my mother and my brother who no longer has a cell phone (can't contact him unless he's at work).

Once I got home, I raced for the toilet to let out my first pee!) It was good long burning one (like having a bladder infection), was pretty bloody but at least I am peeing just one way. It will clear up and I have plenty of cranberry juice to boot!) The pain in my back and of course pee hole was a bit too much for me to bear so my honey ran downstairs and grabbed me 2 Percocets since the pain level was at 9. I could barely lie down or even sit up. I was confused as I couldn't find any comfortable way to lie down, stand up, or even sit up.

Finally the pain subsided enough for me to lie down and rest for a few hours before posting this entry. Now our Adventures in healing really begin!) What an awesome day!)

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Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Can I please get rid of this pee bag?

Thought I would include this cute photo of my dad walking Tonto (Tonto walking my dad) for all to enjoy. This was just one of the fun things we were able to do together during his visit. I took this one just this morning.

Forgive the name of this post but I guess I really do mean it. Since I get to celebrate my birthday all week long (I'm celebrating all year if possible!), that's what I would like on Thursday. It's my Birthday wish = Get rid of the piss bag!) I have surgery to hopefully internalize my stint or so it's called but I have been so incredibly annoyed by the nephostomy tubes coming out of my back all week long.

I get in the car to drive my family around (brother and father) and then I accidentally sit in the seat all the way with my back touching the back of the seat and then it makes me jump (it kind of feels like a pinch) like I just sat on a tack ! Sometimes going to sit on the couch can be a little painful there too! Oh and not to mention being so worried that the tubing is coming out of my back; that too sucks!

I did get the dressing changed on Thursday (right before my brother arrived) and the first day the dressing came completely off exposing the tube in my back. My honey has been having to change the dressing each day and he too is tired of it. May this nephostomy bag be no more Thursday. Oh did I mention, it itches like FUCK! OMG! It also leaks and burns! It totally sucks and I don't know what to do about the itching, except it totally makes me want to scratch the living shit out of it! I can't help it sometimes. between the itching, pinching, burning and then the pulling or so it feels like. It's so ready to come out!

Well my dad leaves today at 3pm today and then tomorrow we have to be at the hospital at 1pm and then at 2:30pm my surgery starts. I get to go home at 5:30pm or at least my honey needs to be there to take me home then I get to sleep off all the drugs and hopefully I won't have this stupid bag on me when I wake up as I did last time.

"Please GOD don't let this surgery be a failure; please let that stint go all the way through my ureter without a snag!"

Hell I am so tired of all the tape that is always on my back getting stuck on my clothing and snagging on everything it touches, I'm so tired of not being able to take normal showers, not being able to go swimming, or sit in the hot tub, not being able to take normal baths and so much more! How limiting is that? I'm also tired of the seemingly constant urinary or bladder infections I always seem to have. I'm also irritated that some company (I'm calling them and giving them a piece of mind) doesn't wish to include a cap on the end of the bag so that sometime piss will dribble on my knee or my clothes or sometimes the lever will accidentally slip and then piss is all over me. Please come off tomorrow Nephostomy bag! Please! Is that too much for me to ask that I can just piss one way and not two? Not to have all this tape on me and this pain can finally end?

Well even so, I should not be complaining period about this. Poor Becky seems to be getting more bad news and what a brave woman she is for enduring this and so much more! She may very well have to deal with 2 Nephostomy bags and she just keeps on going. We survivors have to keep going and dealing with our issues. Yes, we have those sucky moments, but we also have good moments too! I'm getting by more and more each day. She is blessed to have a wonderful family and a very cute son; but what about what's going on in her body too? Here's to her being able to have some sort of normalcy for her too!) Let her get rid of those nephostomy bags too! She's too young just as I am to be going through this shit!

I was able to wake up early enough yesterday to make a wonderful breakfast for all the men in my house (honey, dad, and brother) and then the pain just started. It wasn't so bad at first,; I just went upstairs and dealt with the spasms as they got worse and worse. I did my Sitz bath to calm them and to go number 2. What a disgusting way for me to have to live; always dealing with Shit!( It's really such a disgusting process because my dam butthole burns so horribly (stomach acids from a short intestinal tract) that I have to have hot water there when it comes out. It really does feel awesome with the hot water on my bum!) Then I have to pore the water and shit down the toilet and I do this anywhere between 5- 10 times in a row each time. I literally have to clean out the pink tub 3 times in between and the water has to be the perfect temperature each time. Not too hot and definitely not too luke warm. This is the truth of what I endure each day now as my intestines continue to heal. NO it's not at all pleasant, but please do be glad that you can at least take a normal shit each day because I sure as hell can't (just yet). Well, technically I can; it's just not normal.

OK well at least I am taking a shit each day, but I take about 20-30 each day and dam it burns like hell coming out; that's where the hot water hits the spot and not to mention those painful hemi's (hemorrhoids) that I get too; like that's not enough torture for me. Let's just add more insult to injury for me - NO let's just don't = off with the pee bag tomorrow!)

OK enough about my shit. My honey had to take my brother to the airport alone because I was having such severe abdominal and anal spasms. I was also crying and crying and just totally upset that I wouldn't get to take my brother to the airport. It really meant a lot to me to be able to hug him at the airport and to send him off properly. I hugged him and then walked upstairs crying and just bauling my eyes out as he promised me that he would come out to visit me more often and that there would not be another 4 year gap where we didn't get to see each other. What a dramatic moment that was and to see that on the big screen would have torn hearts!(

After I was kinda done, I went back downstairs where my husband and brother were outside smoking a cigarette and having man time. I was so glad that they hadn't left yet; so I got to say good bye some more. You can kind of tell that I have been crying heavily in this photo taken just before my brother left for the airport. It was such an emotional good bye and I could see him holding back tears and then I cried in his arms over the frustration of my system. I was practically hyperventilating and after they left; my father stayed to make sure I was OK in case he needed to take me to the emergency room.

I was in lots of pain and I finally let the OX down enough to take some Vicodin for the pain; (I'm such a hard head sometimes) as I waited for the pain killers to take effect, I rolled myself a joint and sat on the couch next to my father. I was breathing kinda hard and trying to catch my breath from the severe pain I was feeling. I still had tears streaming down my face and then I headed back upstairs for some more Sitz baths.

I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment sometimes because sometimes I will sit there for hours in pain and not touch a single pill. I have to be reminded because I am so frightened of becoming addicted to painkillers. Why am I so afraid of these pills? I don't know why I am so scared of those pills but it does take a while for me to actually take one. I have to be in bad pain to do so and sadly it seems the pain has been ongoing. They say it won't happen (addiction) but I think it just happens if you do it automatically each day. I just touch them if the pain level hits about a 7 or 8 (on a scale of 1-10). The pain I was feeling was close to a 9.

Finally the pain calmed down enough for my father and I to go have some lunch and then we headed to the hospital to pick up a prescription and a note from my doctor about returning back to work and then drop that by the business office. My doctor does not feel that I am ready to go back to work next Tuesday. My new return date to work is now July 27th. I had asked for July 15th but I guess he just wanted a few extra weeks to make sure I that I am ready. I am relieved because I could not imagine having these spasms at work and then if I had to go home and the long drive (35 minutes) back home. I wouldn't make it right now the way my intestines are doing now.

I can tell that I am healing more and more each day and have been gaining more weight. I just weighed myself with clothes on and shoes, keys, and now I am up to 121. Yeah! past 120! I didn't think it was possible and now it is. I'm doing everything right that I can think of doing just to heal. I'm taking Tonto on 2 walks per day (short ones), trying to squeeze in some frisbee with Blue Belle down the street, eating through out the day and much slower, drinking lots of water and cranberry juice, easy Yoga stretches each day, avoiding stress (the news = I do have to watch Rachel Maddow as she always seems to cheer me up and gives me news in the best possible way!).

I'm still doing the Relay for Life and I finally got my minimum raised so I'm all good and working on getting stronger and stronger. Thank you Nancy for helping me reach my goal! I have to be able to walk for at least an hour. I did that just on Friday evening with my brother (we walked about 45 minutes). Here's to a cure in our lifetime and more fun to be had for me! I hope I have 10 - 20 more snowboard seasons in me!)

I was able to have a little fun with my dad before I took him to the airport and sent him off right. We took Blue Belle to the Church for a quick game of frisbee and then had lunch at Aqui in Downtown Campbell. What a quick vacation; I had been looking forward to this for months and now it's all over. At least I can look forward to more visits from family. I know I can't fly just yet, but hopefully next year I will.

Here's to my pee bag removal tomorrow. May there only be a band aid on my bag and NO Tubes!)

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Sunday, June 14, 2009

Happy 39th to me....

Well President Obama did tell me that I can celebrate my birthday all week long (he said we would be celebrating Flag Day all week)! I love my President! Well my birthday is on Flag Day and what a great birthday it was for me! I couldn't believe all the wonderful friends who wished me Happy Birthday on Facebook, then those who took the time to email me, the phone calls from all over, and of course all the friends who stopped by!) Thank you all!

I did get to have that Pizza Party that I dreamed of having all thanks to my good friend Nikki!)

Now the day did not start off quite so easy because I did suffer in intense pain several times in the beginning of the day, but I did manage the pain quite well with minimal medications (Vicodin and Ativan) and even used some pot the rest of day to manage the nausea and it did indeed kept me munching through out the day (in hopes that I am gaining some weight). (that's why we didn't get to the Farmer's Market till later) During the morning and then later in the evening the muscle spasms were pretty intense. My trusty vaporizer helped me so much in controlling the violent spasms (primarily the ones where vomiting was involved).

I started my day rather late, my brother and I didn't make it to the Farmer's Market until shortly before 1pm. We grabbed some fresh garlic, basil, bell peppers (red & green), red onions and what ever we could get then Nikki got all the rest. She got several choices of crusts, (regular cheese crusts, pita bread, Naan bread, tortilla, and plain crusts) cheeses (mozzarella, parmesan, ,& asiago) spaghetti sauce, garlic sauce, mushrooms, and tomatoes. She had stopped by an awesome store (Lunardi's) close by to her house near the Peninsula. She even picked up a beautiful decorated Carrot Cake (my favorite) birthday cake.

Here we are cutting up all the toppings and getting everything ready for the pizza party to start!

The adults who were well aware and wanted to got to use my very special secret sauce that I had made 2 weeks ago (with cannabis). Me and Nikki cut up all of the toppings and then placed them in different cups for all to choose from when making their own personal pizza. It was a blast to do!

After I had my pizza it was at least several hours that I did not have pains (it could have been because of ingesting the cannabis?) but I did get to spend some good quality time with friends and family while everyone just loved the pizza party idea!)

For those Adults who tried pizza with my special secret sauce, it was very, very mild but mostly just gave a small body rush of feel good energy. (very, very weak). Yes, we are in California and cannabis is not at all a dangerous plant for those who use it recreationally as consenting adults. So yes, there was plenty of laughter at my party!)

It was such peaceful, relaxing, and most of all wonderful party!) Now it wasn't a loud party like most, just very peaceful and the house was full of love. We even played some of my old lady music!) I usually don't have parties for my birthday and this was my first ever real birthday party! Can you believe that? OK many in the past but not like this.

My next door neighbors even stopped by for a few just to check out our new floor. The party was a blast. I had no physical pain for at least 6 hours!) during the party. I know it had to be my secret sauce because my intestines had calmed down completely (it was like they were stoned!). I got to move around and even go down to the hot tub to soak my feet with my friend and her son. Oh how I was thinking "GOD, please let me be able to soak in the hot tub again!" I really do hope that I can get rid of this nephostomy bag! I didn't mention the burning and itching on my back from the tube going right to my kidney? Well yes, this is also happening as I'm having fun too!) It's not so bad, but it would be great to be able to soak in that tub or swim in that pool! We are just changing the dressing on my back practically daily since the dressing from Thursday's changing came off on Friday, my tube has been exposed so it burns and it's leaking a little.

The spasms (anal and stomach?) did return shortly after midnight (vomiting and some diarrhea) and I was able to deal with them. I got through it!) Now they sounded a little scary to my brother but my honey had it covered. He got all that I needed to deal with them (painful spasms) including a glass of water to go with my anti anxiety drug (Klonopin). I actually remembered to take a Klonopin (well technically it was the spasm that helped me remember) and I was able to go right to sleep. My honey had run downstairs to go grab it and yes, he asked me "what can I get you honey?" !)

Now on for more adventures with my brother and father and my husband! We are getting the right equipment to groom my lovely girl so expect some pretty show dog photos in my upcoming posts!)

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Saturday, June 13, 2009

The Father, Sons, and Daughter together at last...

We picked up my dad from the airport this morning; wasn't the easiest of mornings to begin with. We were up late last night; mostly, I was having fun connecting again with my brother. It's been too long for us. I didn't get to sleep until around 1am, then awoke shortly after 3:30ish am with the usual muscle spasms (diarrhea and vomiting) which kept me awake until 5: 45 am (I remember looking at the clock just prior to knock-out (had to take a Klonopin). Sometimes I do remember (rarely) to take a Klonopin before I go to bed, I won't wake up with these muscle spasms which usually only begin if I have to take a shit. (just being honest; it's blunt here = no pun intended!).

I think it's just taking a long process for my intestines to heal. Now that I have this new floor, I can concentrate on doing my yoga. Perhaps this can help me heal much faster. I haven't felt like even doing any yoga lately but since I got the new floor! My yoga mat works so much better on this floor than that gross carpet!) I will do everything I can to get my intestines healed so that I can start back to work in no pain.

Well, these particular spasms were not such a bad bout as they are most of the time (they were less violent). I hadn't taken any painkillers for the entire day (with the exception of pot) on Friday. It was all natural; oh, except for the prescribed Pantoprazole. I have to take this drug everyday and was even on something like it when I was on the TPN. It just helps keep down the acid which can get really, really, really, really bad. That's why I keep getting that feeling sometimes as if my heart is about to be puked out. I'm so glad that this isn't happening quite as much as it used to (days ago).

Well I did get to the spend the entire day (Friday) with my brother and we even took Miss Blue Belle on a very long walk around the neighborhood. I was so surprised that my intestines lasted that long.!) It was meant to be!) My brother and I had a wonderful walk with Miss Blue Belle. I'm just happy for him to finally meet my special girl. He's a dog groomer and we will be grooming her together in the next couple of days. We are also going to the pet store to get all that I need to make her even more beautiful!)

Well yesterday morning, (I had to wake and bake) I was feeling the onslot of another kidney infection and with that I knew that I needed to drink lots of water; so I was able to become incredibly thirsty that I drank 2 large glasses of pure 100% cranberry juice diluted in half a glass of water, then 3 more glasses later. I knew the kidney infection was coming on because of not being able to pee for most of the day, burning and itching when I did try to, and then seeing blood drops coming out. "Oh God!" I thought each time (10 times of that in the morning). I would go and each time, just a few drops of blood. I just did not wish to call the doctor again.!(

I can take care of this myself. Please "no more antibiotics!" Well since dealing yesterday, it seems the bladder infection may be clearing itself up early this morning and I am now able to pee again!) Finally!) So far so good!) Gotta enjoy a good painless piss and I'm also emptying the bag more too! It's getting old and hopefully on the 18th, there will be no more pee bag!) I won't have to match my age with pee bags and such!

Well back to this morning, I awoke at around 8:45am (was supposed to be up at 8!), jumped out of bed, did the baby wipe shower, then washed my hair, my face, put on sunscreen, got dressed, fed my babies, then took both of them on a walk with my brother. He woke up right after I did. I was finally ready to go pick up my father from the airport.

Right when we were getting ready to go pick up my dad, right when his flight was about to land, (we live about 10 minutes from the airport), we were literally just about to leave and then my intestines started to ache and stir. It was not good. I had purse in tow, and about to walk out the door when all of sudden, "I gotta shit man!" I had to run to the bathroom and then again upstairs to do the "Sitz bath routine" as I vomited and vomited and then diarrhea, diarrhea, and more diarrhea. I was in so much pain (my poor bum just burning in pain!( and the spasms just got worse and worse.

My honey woke up soon after to my turning on the hot water in the bathtub multiple times and then hearing me retching in pain. I had tried earlier to wake up my honey unsuccessfully (he had to wear ear plugs from my brothers loud, loud, loud snoring) to help his friend load up his car with all of his equipment that he had let us borrow (what a sweet heart!) for the beautiful floor job. I was to stay and shut the garage door after our friend had picked up his equipment.

After my intense spasm sessions, I walked downstairs to check on our friend Gordy, right when I was about to close the garage door; in walked my hero (my hubby) with my dad pulling his suitcase and my walking brother by his side. It was a family moment to always remember.

Yes, this morning was quite the drama and my dad only had to wait at the airport for them for about 15 minutes or so. My honey and my brother didn't get to leave until about 5 minutes after his flight landed. I was so impressed with my honey! He came through and I was able to stay put and deal with those horrible spasms.

Once the spasms were done, we all went out for breakfast. Check out the photos here, the first one is of my dad and my brother just chatting together after my father had arrived. I have been smapping lots of photos and hope to make a great photo video for Christmas 2009. My dad is trying to learn the song "Cat in the Cradle" and I hope to have a recording of him so that I can make a special collage of photos of him and Billy. I try not to make plans anymore as sometimes they tend to get cancelled due to my health so now its just wishes. I can just try to make those wishes come true. We will see!)

The heartburn and nausea stopped for most of the day but the heart burn and nausea returned with a vengeance at around 4pm. I toke a Zofran and then took a short nap (my dad also took a nice long nap= he was jet lagged) and then we went out for a wonderful meal at my favorite Organic Restaurant in Downtown Campbell "Aqui Fresh Mex". I was feeling much better and able to eat. What a healthy meal we all had!

We got home from the restaurant in time to watch my addiction (Groomer Has It) on Animal Planet. The show is kinda cheesy but it deals with pet grooming and I always think of my brother when ever I watch the show. We enjoyed watching the show together and then my dad took off at around 8:30pm to go to bed. He was so exhausted, so Billy and I got to spend some quality time, then my honey returned from his Pub (after some basketball game?) and we all watched "Grand Torino". What an amazing movie that was. It wasn't quite as violent and heart breaking as "Million Dollar Baby" but it was so good. It was cool to see such a strong message of friendship in this movie. There were lots of racist remarks about the different cultures but they all seemed to get along as it was just jokes. Even though the ending was tragic; it was tragic in a good way. What a great feel good movie! Now off for some more adventures! Turning 39 tomorrow!) More updates to come!)

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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Floors almost done...getting ready for family..

Wow! It has been a whole week since I last updated and my apologies for the delay. I have been online for a few days but it has literally taken all of my energy to get the small things done (laundry, sometimes making lunches, putting small things away, changing sheets, etc.) The flooring is almost complete and I still have yet to download all the photos of all the excitement. My brother arrives tomorrow evening; technically Friday morning. (hint, hint, another break in updates)

The new floor is really amazing and that's all I can tell you right now. I was able to do a small amount of yoga last night and will try to will my intestines to work right. They just don't seem to know my asshole from my mouth from anything! I am still puking and shitting at the same time and that totally sucks!( I am making the most of it and have lagged at calling and leaving a message with the specialist. For some odd reason, I start thinking that I will improve just magically with out the specialist, surgeons and doctors. Call it hope or faith, and I still have tomorrow morning to make an appointment. My younger brother understands and just wants to hang with me here in CA!)

To be quite honest, I have been in so much pain (not all the time, but during part of the day and and part of the night / morning hours) these last couple of days and for a little while during the day, I can revert to some normalcy but it involves being stoned. I had a few days in between where I was OK but now it's kind of like I'm getting a little worse (time to call the specialist). As far as my natural medicine is concerned, I feel that it still calms my intestines but not right away. It takes a few minutes after the muscle spasms have had their way with me.

The first night, there was only about 4ft all the way from the living room to the dining room complete as Tonto used that small area to play on. It seemed his toys slid across that area much better than the concrete where the carpet was. It was time to get rid of that carpet and we will get rid of the rest eventually but this should be a good start.

I do know that this floor surface is much more fun to clean than the linoleum or the carpet. It just wasn't all that much fun using lots of elbow grease or vacuuming on the old flooring. I kept hoping that it would just mop itself but that never happens;?.

Oh and Tonto stayed with one of my sweet neighbors and tried to become friends with her kitties. It was a good experience for Tonto and getting used to other people. I think I will always be his favorite human; it took about 3 years for him to fully trust my honey. He still will not listen to him fully. My honey can call his name and keep calling it, but he won't fully listen; sometimes there will be a rare moment when he does but he mostly listens to me. I can call his name and most of the time I get a "here I am mom!" and he walks right up to me. There is always that chattiness about him.

I was able to take both of them to the vet today and wow! $450 later, and then it will also cost nearly $700 to have both of their teeth cleaned. I have to think about doing this eventually but I plan to seek another vet. It used to be less than $200 but now over $350 for each of them. Maybe my dentist can do it cheaper? Life costs money and these pets really help me through many of these troubled times. I have many happy moments where I can laugh at each of them or just smile. I guess they are kind of natural medicine for both myself and my husband.

I did get a kick out of the reactions from some of the vet techs as they talked about how awesome Tonto and Blue Belle are. I could hear the conversations in the back (I was in a small examining room) as they talked about each of them and how Tonto walked back into the office on his leash. He just wanted to be in the room with mommy and Blue Belle. The compliments on their names were the best. I have to admit that both of their names were well chosen for their personalities. The most important thing is that they are there for each other at a vet's appointment and it was as if I was a mom of two well behaved kids.

I had been scared that Tonto would puke all over my neighbor's home after his medications and trip to the vet. I was reading over the receipt and directions for his medications. I did see a CAUTION: that he may experience nausea from his shots. This was after I brought him over. I freaked a little bit worrying about this small thing. He had slobbed all over me on the way home and he even left a poopie stain on my pants from the fecal test I suppose. He has some Vaseline on his little butthole and it stained my pants a little when I took him to the car. It was on the way home that he had slobbed on me.

After I got home from taking both to the vet, I had to take a nap and then I got sick. I didn't think I would be able to make it to the Survivor's reception. I sure wanted to and I did everything I could to go. I did go and happy that I did! The Survivor's reception at the American Cancer Society in Campbell, CA. I met several survivor's and even found a potential team to join. I am still quite confused on that as I did sign up as an individual but we will see what happens. I got an email request and not sure how that went but what ever team I end up on; should be good! It's Relay for Life! I know now that I have 2 teams that wish to have me. On the team that I met this evening, I could get the shift I want (1am - 2am walking). I didn't eat anything while there; they did have the most amazing punch I have ever had.

I didn't bring Blue Belle to the event and I did have a small panic attack when I got there. I started crying and just couldn't stop. I immediately went into the bathroom; It was embarrassing to have to deal with. I think because of my nephostomy bag and the fact that I am going through these anxieties of not knowing what is going on with my intestines and to be at this event as a survivor; I was feeling like less of one (survivor) right then. Well the reasons for that is because this last surgery has been so hard on me to get stronger; sometimes I feel like I am not getting stronger and this is very frustrating for me. I didn't have my little buddy there to encourage me and cancer really is something that we need to find a cure for. I'm facing more chemo when I get stronger, but yes, I still have to take life one day at a time.

I met some really amazing women when I got there and I think that I may have been a survivor who has really been through the ringer quite a bit more than many. I also found out that I can indeed bring my service dog with me to walk and my husband and I are more than welcome to walk together with her. Right before I left I had told some of the women about my service dog and how I got there without her. I started crying again and those sweet ladies walked me right to my car. I think I'm just emotional from being scared for my life.

I got home OK and then went and picked up Tonto. My sweet neighbors came over to see my new floor and then I immediate got sick. Actually one neighbor came by right before I left for the Survivor Benefit? and then my neighbor who was watching Tonto came over (just for a few moments). Then after she left; I raced upstairs and did my usual ritual (Sitz Baths one after another = 5). I've been puking more so than number 2 but the spasms are very, very real. Sometimes it feels like my heart is going to come right up my esophagus. No, it's not at all pleasant, but I get through it each time. I will be calling the internist tomorrow morning with out a doubt (reminder on my iPhone). I hope to provide more updates but I do plan on being OK. Worrying will not do me any good, just prayers and good positive thoughts!) Hint...Hint...

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Thursday, June 4, 2009

Home Improvements begin....

Well our flooring arrived today and we cleaned out our living room and dining room in order to get prepared. We will be taking out baseboards and ripping up carpet tomorrow. Actually, I won't be doing any of the above.

The couch, cat tree, and my honey's favorite lazy boy will have to sit outside on our patio for most of the day. They are calling for a 20% chance of rain tomorrow and to me that mean's a 0% (I hope I don't jinx it for them). I will need to go out for the day and am planning to drive up to visit a friend with Blue Belle. Tonto will be staying a few days with my neighbor who he absolutely loves and has a blast with. He may have to come home at night in case we miss him too much. We will see.

As for my health, my intestines are still not letting up. I am still puking and pooping at the same time (mostly at night, not so much during the day) and it's painful to have to deal with (having to take icky pain pills). The puking episodes usually happen in the middle of the night. I do get the urge in the middle of the day but am better able to control it. I have a routine now and that is the Sitz bath every time I have to wake up to go number 2 and my honey gave up his favorite Packer popcorn bowl for my puking sensation. (that's how much he loves me). My poor bottom is always sore and sometimes very, very itchy from having to go so often and then my tummy aches from the vomiting and the severe heartburn.

Sometimes I feel the need to hit my chest as hard as I can when the severe heartburn acts up. It can get downright painful and frustrating. I think it just gets so severe at night because I am lying down trying to sleep and then I puke uncontrollably simultaneously as I shit. How freaking annoying is that? This happens at all hours of the night after 3am.

I'm still alive and I hope and pray that I am healing and not getting any worse. This surgery really did kick my ass more than I ever expected it would. I don't know if I am just getting older or perhaps this really was a severe surgery but I am not recovering in the same way that I did after the first 4 surgeries. Now Way!(

This one like really kicked my ass!( I hope that I am good, able and ready to return to work on the 23rd, but if I feel anything like this; I just know I won't be. It's really hard to predict my healing at this point when I was the prior surgeries I have had. I can't help but be frustrated for not healing as well as I did before; I just don't get it unless this really was the heavy duty surgery? I think this surgery was like 9 hours long but it sure did take a lot out of me. I feel like I am at 50% capacity (50% healed) of what I was prior to the surgery.

I can kind of sort of feel where I might have stitches in my intestines (as weird as that might sound) when food or stuff is going through my intestines. I can feel what feels like needles poking and then a pressure of a kick. Sometimes it takes my breath away but I am dealing in the best way that I can. God I hate taking those damn pain pills! I wish I didn't need them, but I do hate suffering in immense pain. I have to admit that I have been getting stubborn again and my honey has been on me to take the pills for pain.

I healed up much faster during those other surgeries and was even at work in less than 2 months after those other surgeries. This one really does seem like the monster surgery. Maybe it's the fact that 1/3 of my intestines (small & large) were removed and the pathway to digestion must be quite different or that I keep getting these unexplained infections. My intestines are confused, something is wrong and I intend to find out in the coming days (on the phone with another advice nurse). I still feel quite cut-up and nauseated (haven't smoked any pot yet today but that will change soon!) I will be calling the Gastroentrology(sp) department tomorrow to make another appointment about this puking and pooping problem!

Tonto gets to hang with my neighbor tomorrow while I get to drive to see a friend with Miss Blue Belle. The living room will be torn apart tomorrow and hopefully a new floor put in. Not sure how long these projects last but they are expecting it to be around 3-4 days. Tonight is my last night to work on the computer and watch TV. Everything will be unhooked for the next couple of days! Now the countdown till my family arrives (brother and father) and the big "39" and the stint internalization surgery!)

Well gotta go get some Gator-aid as the Advice nurse seems to feel that I need it!) I wish all of you the best and may you never feel the kinds of pains that I described here. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemies although sometimes I think that cold hearted politicians deserve to feel this kind of pain much more so than I do! Here's to me healing and to me eating a special brownie for pain (no perocets tomorrow!)

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Monday, June 1, 2009

True Love at Dr. Appointments...

I had an appointment today to get my nephostomy dressing changed and my honey drove me to that appointment. It needs to be changed every 2 weeks and in 2 weeks (June 18th) it will be taken out and internalized!) Here's to the power of Positive thinking! I was so impressed at my husband's attentiveness and making sure I was comfortable while waiting for that appointment,.

We did stop for lunch just prior to the appointment and my intestines were up to their usual antics of diarrhea and vomiting every 15 minutes. I brought my own TP and some hemi wipes to calm my poor bum! I was so miserable and finally after waiting for nearly an hour I went to see one of the receptionists to let her know that if we are not to be seen soon, we will have to leave and that I wasn't feeling well enough to be waiting for ever in the waiting room. She immediately called someone and a very nice caring nurse came out and took us in the back so that she could change my dressing. I had to sit in a wheelchair because if I stood up, my intestines would feel as if they were falling and I would have the immediate urge to have to go to the bathroom.

While my dressing was being changed, my stomach and intestines started churning like crazy and I almost vomited right on the table. I held it together as best as I could . My honey massaged me and held my hand while she continued to change my dressing. It was kind of painful getting all the tape off of my back and then my itchy, itchy back from where the tube was coming out.

The nurse and my husband spoke and he told her of how he cared for me when I had to have the feeding tube, more wounds to change and so much more. I cried some more as I heard him telling her of all the great things he has done for me. She asked me how I was doing and I told her I'm just crying because I love him so much and all that he does for me. He touches my heart in all the right places.

Finally after the dressing was changed, the nurse and my husband helped me into the wheel chair and on to the first restroom we could find. I vomited up most of my lunch as I sat on the toilet with severe diarrhea (mostly from the antibiotic). It has been seeming strange that these muscle spasms are doing this; maybe there is some flapper thing in my stomach that causes this; something is malfunctioning? It's just the strangest that when I push to go the bathroom, vomit comes up and uncontrollably. It's so incredibly frustrating and I hate puking so much! My tummy even feels like I have done thousands of sit-ups; not good especially after having this last surgery.

After this episode, I felt as if I had been hit by a bus; I did not feel good and just wanted to go home and go to bed. My honey pushed me in the wheel chair outside to take me to the car. On our way out, my doctor just happened to be sitting on one of the benches outside and we got to question him about this weird thing (vomiting and diarrhea). I was so glad we bumped into him and he suggested that I get off the antibiotic and see what happens. My doctor was concerned about more infections developing and that if this continues I might need to see a specialist.

When I got home from that appointment, I just went upstairs and slept for several hours while my honey cleaned and boxed things up things in order to get ready for my new flooring. It should be arriving in a few days. Bless his heart and he doesn't want me doing anything that requires too much energy. I did get to sit down with a huge, huge pile of junk mail, old bills credit card applications, and old paperwork and just shredded all of it. Paperwork tends to pile up and with the home improvements, we are just getting around to reducing. It's amazing how much things you save over the years and then those piles go somewhere until years later. Anyway still trying to heal and just getting anxiety worrying about if I will be ready to return to work on the 23rd of June. I still feel cut-up inside after nearly 3 months after that surgery. It's frustrating to still feel so much pain. I hope I am able heal soon!)

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

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