WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Home Improvements and love...

My honey and his friend have slowly been making progress in our home this week in making small repairs. It's little fixes that have needed to be fixed for a little while and finally getting those done as he is off from work and taking good care of me. We are both so busy that we hardly every have the time to do things for our selves or our home.

We are finally getting the horrible carpet torn out this week (I'm sure this has been making us sick for some time). I'm so proud of him; he ordered the gorgeous flooring on Monday and hopefully it will be here in time before my brother and father arrive (June 11th and 13th). This is my birthday gift from him; home improvements!

Most women would not accept this as part of their gifts but to me they are gifts. I don't wish to ask for more. Just having a home to call home with the man that I love is the best gift I could possibly ask for. I also get to be a part of this whole ambitious project only my honey doesn't want me doing any more than directing and giving orders as to what I would like; where to position things and I picked the flooring out.

He still keeps hounding me about what I want for my birthday and I already have my gifts; I don't need anything else. Got my man, my brother and father are coming out to visit, I'm getting a beautiful spalted maple floor for my kitchen, dining, and living room, a new shower head, and a new door handle (thingy?), oh and a new fan for the upstairs bathroom (it's awesome and quiet and more light in the bathroom!) It just keeps getting better.

He replaced our old door handle on our front door with a magnificent one that a friend of ours had given us about 7 years ago. We priced it out and it would have cost us $400 but we saved that money and used what we already had. The old door handle didn't work very good and would shake and become unsteady when leaving the house; it was also hard to get back in. Each time, it felt as if the key would get stuck; now it's effortless and works like a gem! There's like no effort at all to place the key in and turn. It's like fun to open the door to my own home!)

The shower has also been fixed and now I have a magic wand if I would like to use on my poor sore bum. Yes, lots of diarrhea lately from that antibiotic for my bladder infection. I have also been vomiting a lot more than usual and this stems from the heart burn and muscle spasms in my abdomen. It seems a lot like a muscle spasm in that it starts in the middle and it goes opposite directions; one down to my ass and the other, up my esophagus. Is this why I am still able to grow muscle after 4 surgeries and now a 5th? I think so!

How painful and frustrating it was to have to go through; but the pot has been working to help my appetite after these episodes. It's all I can do to get an appetite and to try to gain some weight. I finally got up to 117 last night (weighing myself 2 x a day). I am so anxious to start gaining some weight so that I can at least get more healthy.

While all of this home improvement has been going on; I have been going through those painful episodes and have been confined to the couch with occasional walks outside. I can't stand up for too long or my intestines feel that they need to empty after a few minutes.

I do feel that I am slightly improving in that I can eat more foods but the digestion issue is still a little iffy. I have the appetite for the food, can eat it, but then I get sick a few hours later. It's like horrible heart burn. Sometimes I still wake up with the heartburn of food from the night before and it's almost impossible to try to eat something the next morning unless I utilize some cannabis.

Yesterday, Mr. Tonto finally got to go over to my neighbors house to explore. I took him over to my neighbor's house with Blue Belle and we hung out for a little while and then me and Blue left Tonto there for about 4 hours to have a blast exploring and playing. He had an absolute blast and is welcome back anytime he desires. I'm taking him there today if he desires to.

My neighbor told me that while he was there, he ate a whole container of catnip and even played around her house; then then scared her two cats. which he clearly weighs more than both cats put together and that's pretty funny. I have tried and tried to put this cat on a diet; I walk him when I can, feed him twice a day (for the weight I would like him to be = not his current weight), he and Blue Belle play sometimes; but I think he entices the neighbors. He gets treats every day and knows exactly how to get them.

Blue Belle was sad to stay home while my honey and I had a date. We went to have sushi with some more neighbors. We tried to buy them dinner, but they refused? Why is everyone being so nice to us? Oh, I know why; we are blessed with love!) We love the opportunity to do nice things for our neighbors as well.

When we got home from Sushi, Miss Blue Belle had helped herself to nearly a whole packet of saltines. She had sat on her rug and finished off the entire rest of those saltines while we went to have sushi. I ate maybe 4 last night to try to calm my tummy, rolled the end up really good and then placed in the bottom shelf of my pantry. It was easy for her to get to; she has never done that before (she didn't knock anything over to get to it), but she was making it known that she was not happy that Tonto got to hang with my other neighbor. I guess she felt entitled to those saltines.

I know now he's (Tonto) very friendly; 180 degrees when I first got him. He was one wild, skinny, crazy devil cat! Now he's a lush and a huge lover boy.. I think he just wanted those other kitties to please be friends with him and of course to play with them. He loves entertainment and those kitties probably entertained him some until he got bored with them. They growled at him from under a bed and he sat under that bed with the cats and tried to chatter with them. He may have hissed and growled back but then it got to his usual conversations. "where's the food?", "where can I go potty?" or "let's go play some games!". I really wonder what is meant to come out of those kitty conversations he often has? It was so cute to imagine. Here is a cute photo and a video of his fun. This one is very short and taken after he dumped the whole container of catnip all over himself. I was there for that!)

We woke up in time and got ready and my honey took me to the Farmer's Market this morning and I got just enough veggies for a nice romantic lunch with my honey. We had some friends stop by to help my honey take apart my Vaporizer and clean it. It hasn't worked in quite a few months.

I decided to have an easy meal today and at least try to eat some of my cannabis (just a few pinches) in my special spaghetti sauce. I cooked some spinach pasta and it was so incredibly amazing with my special sauce! You could still taste some of the spinach but boy did that sauce rock! I cooked the garlic, red onions, Celtic Sea Salt, fresh herbs from my garden (oregano, basil) and some from my neighborhood freshly ground (cannabis), several cloves of fresh garlic,, finely chopped red onions, a touch of Cayenne Pepper in the sauce and cooked the special sauce for about 20 minutes. We broke out the "Mangus" Arizona Stronghold (I added some to my sauce along with olive oil during the last 5 minutes of cooking). What an awesome day!) It sure took the pain away and I feel because I was digesting the cannabis; finally some feelings of normalcy!) My intestines didn't ache or hurt for at least several hours. I was able to walk around better, didn't feel that constant heartburn nausea feeling; it was great!)

Anyway, I froze the special sauce in order to save for my birthday. (I will be updating on that, maybe some fun video; who knows?) I hope to make a homemade pizza on my new Pizza Stone (finally remembered a gift my honey could get me!). It doesn't get any better than that with my little brother (only he's not so little anymore!) He needs to have some fun with his sister and we haven't seen each nearly 4 years. Did I mention he is a professional Dog Groomer? Fun with family it will be! I hope to take my brother and my father to the Farmer's Market that very morning in order to pick out ingredients to add to a homemade pizza with my very special sauce. It will be more or less the family times that are not planned, but just fall into place. Since today worked out so well why not again!

I do know that there is a woman at the market that is sometimes there selling the most amazing mushrooms (Maitaki, Shitaki, button, all kinds!), she's not always there, but I will be sure to try to get few of those on our pizza's. I'm freezing the sauce now and then letting it thaw in the fridge for that Saturday (13th). Let's see if I can accomplish that! It's all about making your dreams come true and planning them (if any plans at all) one at a time. The Farmer's Market has the most amazing organic tomatoes that are not quite red and singes of purple in them! I love the colorful tomatoes! Those kinds of slices sound amazing on my pizza!

After eating, I only had 1/2 a glass of wine and used the first 1/2 for the sauce of the Maynard Wine! I was able to walk around outside and did not have that feeling where my intestines are falling. They felt they were OK today (after eating my special sauce & using the vaporizer). Today, we are celebrating life; the very last day of May, and we still have each other!) Sorry to be so sappy, but that's just the way that we are!)

Now the Countdown to my family visit, then I have surgery to hopefully "internalize the stint". Yes, it got scheduled! The appointment! Oh God! Do I hope it works? I sure hope and pray that it does! Feeling that pinch and it wasn't very comfortable to feel, but I hope they are able to get that little tube down my ureter!) No more nephostomy bag!)

BITCH SESSION: It's getting old as the temperatures rise and I want to do a Cannonball into the pool, I want to sit in the hot tub and make-out with my honey, I want to ride my beautiful bike around the neighborhood and not have to worry about yanking tubes and wires? out of my back? What the hell! I'm so ready to get rid of this nephostomy bag!

OK, enough with the bitching, but I am still very thankful to have had such a wonderful day with my honey. We had such a fun day together and he even cleaned my vaporizer so that I can use it finally! It's been out of use since January. Now it's working and I'm feeling much better (less pain) and even did some Yoga stretches. I also sat and meditated for just a little while; it felt wonderful to do and I need to try to do that more often.

A good woman in Canada is now worrying about her second kidney. She helped me so much through my nephostomy bag worries; she's had hers since September and getting around just fine with her son and loving husband. It's always good to connect with other people who share your same worries so that you can gain strength from each other. Thank you Becky! I will always be grateful to you and all the strong women I have met who are also battling for their lives!

I think we both have been through the ringer a few too many times but we both continue our battles. We write each other occasionally or just go to each other blogs to find out how we are each doing. I'm definitely thinking miracle thoughts and blessings for her that her left kidney pushes that tumor away from it, or that something kills that despicable tumor growing there! May there be chemo that can and will do that for her! Here's to that cure we will see one day soon!o)

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Nothing wrong with laughter...

I had quite a busy day today because I got my Costco run complete thanks so much to another loving neighbor. We kind of helped each out by providing one another with another great day. I got to be a mom for a day and watch her daughter (14) and in turn for her; her daughter is out having a blast with me (she gets to come home and tell her how much fun she had). I had my Costco list that I made on Sunday while I was waiting to see a doctor about my Bladder infection (it's much better now!). We had a list to stick by and both of us suffering from chemobrain can get a bit distracted with out a list to remember all that is really needed within a household (no excuses for getting off the list!).

I'm proud that we stayed on the list so much because we had to go through the entire store and we got 75% through the store (empty cart) when we finally found just 1st thing on the list (NO - we did NOT go from 1-10 on the list). We got through entire the store with out any distractions - "what's on the list!". It worked and I am glad to say we only got 1 extra thing (canned white and green tea flavored with natural blue berries and pomegranate!) with the exception of 2-3 things (on the list = we didn't get!) that we felt we could live without for now.

Towards the end of the shopping trip; Amanda found a 3 pack of mascara (have never even considered that I would ever need that much) and decided then that she would use her allowance to buy this 3 pack of mascara. Now, Amanda has the most beautiful long eyelashes that I am totally jealous of. I could only dream of having fabulous eyelashes like those that just doesn't at all need to accentuated in any way shape or form. Mine are so thin and light (not dark like hers with that little bit of blond on the very, very tips which makes them all the more fabulous!). I don't feel that mascara could ever produce those kinds of results and to need a 3 pack of crappy mascara (sorry it just didn't look at all appealing to me to spend that much on mascara - one at a time please?) and for who? Definitely, Definitely not Amanda!

Well anyway I got to do what I have always dreamed of doing with a daughter; we went to a super duper girley Beauty Supply shop and just had an absolute blast! It was make-up shopping for Amanda for the very first time & me the millionth time. I could totally remember being that age and picking out make-up for the first time with my mom. We called her mom and told her that this was her reward for helping me with the Costco shopping trip that has been so long over due (laundry detergent, dishwasher fluid, TP, catlitter, etc). I can't lift heavy things still and my honey had house repair shopping to do. It was perfect and of course Amanda loves the opportunity to just go shopping.

It's that age 14, of just starting to wear make-up? Yeah, I was that age once and I got my first mascara and lipstick at that age; even got my ears pierced and Amanda's has had her's since forever? No eyeshadow for me! My mom was always convinced that I had this beautiful natural shading around my eyes and there was no need to cover that up! Yes, we looked at all the beautiful shades and my mom said "NO!" after all that looking. Amanda has that (natural shading) too, but she's a kid and just wants to play! It used to be dolls and stuffed animals, now it's make-up and the process of discovering herself. That's what being a teenager is all about. Everyone deserves to enjoy this time no matter what and we certainly did!)

We asked the clerk about child safe make-up, of good quality, fun for kids to play with or teenagers, hypo-allergenic and of course the consult of getting the right colors for her skin (a choice of several colors and varieties) that would work well for her and of course her clothing ensemble. It was fun for both of us as the sale was "Buy 2, Get 2 Free!" We both got to pick a few things and her own make-up bag which was on the "Clearance" shelf. It was the most fun we had both had in a long time (months).

We got home and relaxed and then I took her home by 6pm. We walked Blue Belle and Tonto and her mother invited us all in. Amanda went out for a swim with her friends and neighbors at the pool while me and her mother talked about the day and my health. Tonto and Blue Belle enjoyed walking around a new place (Tonto was having an absolute blast!) to explore. We had some good conversation, laughing, making jokes, and then we both needed to start our evening. I should have used her restroom before I left, but I got greedy and just wanted to go in my own bathroom (not stink up my neighbor's bathroom).

I had hard a time trying to capture Tonto on the way out as he did not walk right up to me as usual when I called his name. He wanted to stay and enjoy all the new areas of this different house to sit and relax, to play with a bug in the corner; he just did not want to leave. He would crawl under a chair where I couldn't reach him. I finally got him in the corner after he had mutilated the little spider / mosquito looking thing in just seconds (I don't know what those bugs are called!). They can be everywhere and Tonto has already killed all the ones at my house (haven't seen one in years).

Well, we got outside and I was standing up and proceeded walking; my intestines started to feel as if they were a heap of mass that just wanted to fall into a pile at the bottom of my peritoneal cavity. I all of sudden had the urge that I really had to go to the bathroom and Tonto (he's really hard headed) is on his leash and a walk is not a walk with out circling the pool. That's his walk and his only walk; I can tug and pull him along the way to keep him from wanting to walk behind bushes and stuff; but he usually leads the way where he wants to go. He's stubborn that way. (I know this is an old video but some new readers may have never seen = it's half of his whole walk on video!)

Amanda's mother needed to get her mail and on our way back; I had to sit down and gather my intestines (so that I didn't shit my pants = it was about to happen), we got up and then I had to sit back down again. Amanda's mother asked if Tonto was being bad; he wasn't; he was enjoying peeing in the bushes while I lay there trying NOT to shit my pants. I told her "no, my intestines are acting up", they were, just didn't like the way "I'm just trying not to shit pants" would sound like if I actually said it to her; "my intestines are acting up" seemed a little less nasty or disgusting? It didn't happen just yet; I had it under control and finally when I walked another 25 feet closer to my unit, I tried to sit down again then it started to come out. I was like "great,!" and then I relaxed as I felt "it's not the end of the world!" no big deal; I can just clean myself up after my intestines go bazzerk. (I would have made it if only Tonto didn't have to circle the entire pool)

Once I got inside; I did what I needed to do; since my honey and Amanda had already unloaded the Costco goods; I could finally begin doing all that backed up laundry. We have been backed up for days and days; I suppose!). I got to take my nice hot bath, changed and then started the much needed laundry. Oh, I also smoked a bowl from my water pipe to get rid of the pain from my intestines; had an awesome laugh at myself that I shit my pants (just outside my home) finally!

My honey had gone to the local pub to watch another Stanley Cup Game (Go Chicago!). When my honey returned, I told him that I shit my pants and he was so sympathetic to me and I laughed and told him; hey's it's funny, I can laugh about it and I don't have a problem at all. I'm alive BABY! We had the perfect evening together; doing the laundry, watching TV, folding clothes and taking them and putting them away during the commercial breaks! More awesome times spent together!) Just gotta enjoy life and right now we are enjoying it together!)

UPDATE: I finally signed up for the Relay for Life in my town near West San Jose (Campbell) and am going to try to fundraise although I am terrible at it. Please DO Feel free to purchase your luminaries so that they can be seen here in Campbell, CA for those you love or have been affected by Cancer!

Here is my personal page for those interested:

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Sunday, May 24, 2009

Another Bladder Infection & more....

I had a nice day on Saturday as I got to hang out with my neighbor Amanda as we took Miss Blue Belle for her bath. Tonto needed a bath really bad as well and hasn't had one since Blue Belle's birthday (February 21st). That's a stinky cat and he sure knows it!

Well now, I am now up to 4 hours of being able to go out in public with out feeling too much pain. It seems that when I stand up for an extended amount of time; I can kind of feel it in my intestines in that they are not healed just yet. As I was getting at; if I do stand for a period of time; particularly standing in line; I start to feel as if my insides are about to come right out of me or that they feel as if they are falling down into a pile right inside my abdomen. It's kind of pressure sort of pain; that's the best that I can describe it. I'm only taking 1 pain pill per day and utilizing cannabis when needed (anal and intestinal spasms which usually occur at night).

It's scary to feel this kind of pain; but I'm getting more and more used to it. In all honesty, I have been a little depressed and worried about my body not healing or getting back to work. I really want my life to be normal so much! I do love the time that I am spending with my honey (that is such a gift!) as he takes such good care of me. He always seems to bring me right back up when I feel my weakest. I am his princess and he sure makes me feel that way!) That kind of support is essential for a quality of life with cancer. He makes all the pain that I suffer from not so bad and all the more worth fighting for my life; I'm alive and that's the most important thing here.

To get back to my afternoon with Amanda, we first stopped to eat some lunch at a sandwich shop and I ate a small amount of plain turkey sandwich. Then we took Miss Blue into Pet Food Express for a self service Doggie wash. Everyone in the store knows her name; and we arrive each time; it's almost like a grand entrance on the Red Carpet with the exception of flashes and exposures going off. Everyone that works at this store usually greets Miss Blue Belle as we walk in. "Hi Blue Belle!" Each time, she walks right up to the counter, with her ears back and tail wagging for a treat.

As I was paying for my tokens; the nice girl whom I have known there for 3 years; then asked me if I had had knee surgery. I was so happy to actually brag about what a trooper I am for surviving 5 major abdominal surgeries and being a 6 and half year survivor of the deadliest of all female cancers. She put up her hand high to slap my hand and Said "great Job Sister!". It made me and Amanda feel great now that she is going on 10 years! All this time; she had no idea and all the times I have been in there coming in every month or so for a bath for the last couple of years.

We then took Miss Blue Belle over to the tubs and washed her carefully and then dried her off which took most of the time. There were a few other dogs getting their baths as well; some Welsh Corgies, and a Golden Retriever. Blue Belle was relieved once we finished drying her and got to take her shopping for some new nail trimming treats. Her and Tonto both get special, special treats when they allow me to trim their nails. She loves to shop especially if she knows that she is getting things out of it!)

We were about to head to more shopping when my intestines started to churn a little and started to feel as if they were falling or pulling downward (it's really weird) and my bottom ached. I was better once we got to the car but it still hurt. On the way back we stopped for about 10 minutes to let Miss Blue Belle play some frisbee and work off some of those fattening treats she got at the shop. After the quick romp, I took Amanda home and then the diarrhea started and the bladder infection progressively got worse as the evening wore on.

I decided to rest for the rest of the evening since standing up and doing things was causing me pain. As my honey and I were watching TV together; Tonto was up to his usual tricks and jealously that he didn't get a bath. I could tell that he's been feeling like a dirtbag but we just couldn't bring bring him with us because we wanted to do some shopping (can't leave him in the car) so I figured I could just wash him in the sink at home. Well I didn't get to do that and of course he didn't like that idea too much either.

He walked around the living room and chatted to us then started lick himself very loudly. When we raved about Blue Belle's bath on Saturday night and how beautiful she looked, how good she smelled; I honestly think that got to the cat. He would scoul over at me as we raved about Blue Belle's pretty fur. It was like really dirty looks; like "go to hell!". While we were watching a movie, he walked right over to the the front of the TV, sat there, lifted his leg way up and just licked his butt for about 15 minutes straight. It was kinda loud too (almost slurping); I could hear his licking. My husband and I laughed and laughed as I told him why he was doing this. Tonto finally got over it and jumped up into his kitty castle, he scowled at us some more and then he fell asleep.

I was still in a great deal of pain so I emailed my doctor and I even left a message about the infection (it was Saturday night). All night long the infection irritated me. I tried literally dozens of times; crawling into bed and then jumping out of bed to go to the bathroom. I took some Percocet (1 every 6 hours = 2 for the whole night) and 1 Klonopin when the spasms (& diarrhea) started to get bad. I even threw up from the violence of my intestines. It really felt like violence because it was so darned painful. I tried not to wake up my honey and worry him but he couldn't help but notice. I started bleeding from the bladder infection as I tried to pee and a little bit of blood would come out. How irritating. I tried to lie down and each time I did it felt like I had to pee; I would go and a mixture of pee and blood drops would come out and it burned so bad; I almost fell off the toilet.

I finally had enough and then I then went downstairs and rolled myself a joint. I couldn't take it anymore. The cannabis helped so much that I drank a mixture of 2 glasses of water and cranberry juice. I sat up for a few minutes longer and then went to bed. I slept for a few hours and then called the Advice Nurse the next morning when I didn't get any response from my doctor.

I was able to get an appointment later on that evening (6:20pm) and I had also ran out of pain medications. I did have enough to stay drugged up most of the day (1 Percocet) on Sunday but at least I was painfree. Since I had some time, I washed Tonto. He didn't like being washed in the kitchen sink, but once he was clean; he was happy again.

I went to see a doctor and the nurse that brought me back was inspired by me and all that I had been going through. (yes, I told her everything) She couldn't believe that I was still upbeat despite the pain I was in. I told her; that's just how important life is to me. The pain doesn't matter, but still needs to be attended to if possible. I can live with it; but it's hard.

The doctor came in a few minutes later and checked out my breathing and also tapped my back to see if it was painful in certain areas. I told her pretty much everything that I was going through. She looked at me and I could see the compassion in her eyes as I told her about the pain that I was suffering. She gave me a refill for more Percocets (finally finished the bottle) and the same Antibiotic that I had been on to help clear up my bladder infection.

When I got home; my neighbors had brought over a wonderful grilled Salmon, home made mashed potatoes and some steamed asparagus (actually not sure how she cooked it but damn was it good!) with Hollandaise sauce. What a blessing to have such thoughtful caring, wonderful neighbors! ) That term "Love thy Neighbor" applies. I was able to eat an excellent meal and take my much needed antibiotic (which required that I take it with food).

We then watched "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button". My honey had cleaned the litter box just earlier and while we were watching the movie; the box all of a sudden reaked. It was so freaking stinky. I had guessed that Tonto didn't want to get his paws dirty so he just didn't cover his dootie. I was right; we had to cover it up, spray the box and light up an incence; we laughed some and then continued on with the movie. It was indeed an interesting movie which does require attention. It's very long, but it was enjoyable!

I did get some more diarrhea later that night but I was able to control my pain much better. Well because of my infection; we decided not to do our little romantic get away. Instead; we are redoing the floors! Getting rid of the icky carpet! We have a good friend who will be helping us out! That's one thing about this disease is that you really get to know who your true friends are and it makes the family much closer. I think the my predicament has changed many lives; and I hope it inspires others to not take life for granted and appreciate the small things in life. OK enough with that! Peace and Love to all!

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Friday, May 22, 2009

It's Already Memorial Day Weekend?

My husband and I have been loving the time we have been spending together and as we were relaxing at the local pub (I had a bottled water) talking with a good friend we just found out that instead of next weekend being Memorial Day Weekend that it is actually this weekend? Wow! Time is flying and we are just realizing that! Even though we have had some painful days with the stupid infection, pain from surgery, and of course my intestines trying to work again; time is flying by still.

Before I know it; my brother will be here and then my Dad to celebrate my 39th birthday (June 14th). I will still have the stupid pee bag but I will be working up to 8-12 hour days, getting a good sleep pattern, and learning to digest the foods that work best for me. I hope to have gained more strength by then because in all I do still feel pretty weak. My honey taking this time off really is helping me get stronger and stronger each day. I do love my days being spent with him taking such good care of me!)

We really are working on trying to get my body strong enough and I am confident now that we will soon.

Well today my honey and I left the house by 2pm for lunch at a local Microbrewery (I finished 1/2 of my "Brown Bear"). I was a little bad, but I couldn't help it; I had a basil tomato stone fired pizza. GOD it was so good! Normally there is bacon on the pizza; but opted out. (Fins and Feathers). This would prove meaning later on in the day or would it?

After our lovely lunch we had a romantic stroll in our own Pruneyard Shopping Center. It's needs a little more life; but it's still happening. We walked over to a little boutique where I went in search of more shampoo and conditioner and a new brush. My honey wanted me to get a new brush since lately; handfuls of hair are coming out each day. I'm not gonna lie; its kinda scary, but if it happens (baldness = I'm gonna get a tatoo).

I'm not sure if it's (loosing my hair) because I'm getting older, all the freaking chemo I've had, my lack of hormones, a shitty brush, there's no stress (except sometimes my health) right now; so it can't be that. I see 4 factors which I don't blame my hair at all for wanting to fall out of my head; if it happens, it happens. Anyway, as I was in the shop looking at the different brushes, my intestines started to churn; I knew immediately, so I then asked the nice lady in the shop for a restroom and she directed me right to one and gave me a key with a teal ribbon!

I was able to walk out the door to a nice romantic kiss from my sweet smelling hubby looking so very sexy just outside the shop door; probably doing a great job at bringing in customers of women or cute gay men; well as for the bathroom, it even had Cottenelle TP!) No I am not ashamed to say that I had to use a public toilet to take a shit! I did it! Now I feel liberated as I always have!) I then washed my hands, dried them and then walked right out the door to my loving honey who was still standing outside with my puppy. I watched many people as they walked by such a hot man with a very cute and beautiful dog; how can you freaking resist? He looked so cute and then as he spotted me; and he smiled that sexy smile that tells me "I'm here for you honey!)" I walked up to him and he to me and then he gave me the most romantic kiss as he knew what I just did; I walked out with my clean hands as we continued out day.

I then walked right back in that shop and purchased my new brush and some shampoo and conditioner. After I was done, we walked around the whole shopping center looking at many of the shops. It was a nice little romantic stroll. After that we walked back to the car and headed to our local pub. As we were driving, we saw a friend of my honeys from the bar who happened to be walking that same way. We stopped at the light and yelled for him as he walked over and climbed inside. We gave him a ride over and then we talked of this pig roasting that this young man's father will be doing at the local pub. The actual cooking or roasting would start at 11pm that night with the cook spending the night at the bar to tend to it.

The young man (& son of the cook) professed to being a vegan and for me; my problem was seeing the actual pig; dead, his face, his snout, teeth and all. I think I would have nightmares or it just might disturb me a little; kinda dumb I know; just not in the mood to see a dead pig. Little piggies are so freaking cute, but then again so are little baby chickens; and am having a problem with that too lately. My digestion has really changed the way the way that I eat food. (we had Thai food yesterday and boy was it good!) If I have an unpleasant time digesting; can't eat the food anymore; so NO more Yellow Chicken Curry for me anymore!

We got to bar and we avoided me seeing the pig being stuffed and prepared which was very cool. I sat inside and had some great conversation with my honey and his friend about music, people, religion, didn't talk any politics because that's just something I have been avoiding lately. I don't feel that Politics is good when trying to get along with others; it just gets in the way. We all have our ways of feeling and doing things; our own minds and decisions of who to trust. OK sometimes we do touch on politics but I haven't been in the mood lately (election long over).

OK back to the bar; the diarrhea started again; so I had to go inside a horrible skanky bathroom to do the dead. I also decided I should check my nephostomy bag to see if it needed to be emptied and it didn't really but I did it anyway. As I was putting back on the scarf; the lights inside the bathroom all of sudden went out. Miss Blue Belle was in the bathroom with me; she licked my leg to let me know she was close by. I had to maneuver around to find my purse and then I found it and preceded to find my way out of the bathroom. The lights all of sudden came back on so I washed my hands and headed back outside to let my honey know that I needed to go home. The diarrhea has started.

My husband had already noticed that my system starts to digest about 1/2 hour - 45 minutes after I eat and we are now gauging all of this on our next get away. He pays such close attention to me. I do still need to take meds for pain for right now because digesting certain foods can prove painful. I feel I am still healing from the same surgery from over 2 months ago., (this Monday one too) These intestines have been through absolute hell if you throw in the chemotherapy treatments too! I had 3 bathroom visits for the entire trip away from the house (2- 6pm). That's not bad at all.

My honey then took me home as I struggled in pain having those painful spasms. I didn't know if I could hold it all the way home; once we pulled into the garage I hurried to the bathroom. The Hockey Playoffs are still going on and he is rooting for Chicago right now. Before he left to go watch the game, he made extra sure I was OK as I continued with the extremely painful diarrhea. He helped me the meds, getting a nice cold glass of water and even bringing in the bong. I needed it all as I sat there crying on the toilet.

He took this photo one of me this evening after the anal to intestinal spasms had calmed down. I am still suffering in pain in this photo but I sucked it up so that I could hold up my peace sign necklace which I wore specially for my nephostomy scarf with the peace signs. It's my favorite scarf ever now! It covers my bag perfectly and matches most of my ensembles!)

I did come home just in time for the evening news and (Rachel Maddow). Another day. I shouldn't watch it but sometimes I just can't help it; only the good news can I take. I usually flip around for what seems like good news to me. I for one don't like to constantly feel as if life is about to end (terrorist attacks, all of us running out of money, and fear) as we all know it. It's not even over yet. Not even close for me!)

I'm extremely happy that I have a President who can really calm me down after a scary "go to hell" Ex-VP goes on a fear mongering rage for too many days in a row. I'm so tired of seeing his tirades and of course his evil face as it seems likes its everywhere now. (that's another reason for my toilet shot) We voted and we already have a President; we don't need that evil shit head.

I'm so glad that I chose to watch the inspirational speech (of course I would choose that!) and now I feel so much better! Thanks Rachel Maddow for clearing things up for me also! Sorry I just couldn't resist and just had to throw that in; because I do feel better as far as stress and relaxing. I think I would go MAD and insane if I had to be forced to watch FOX Noise or even SOB Cheney's tirades. It's too stressful; that's why it's fear mongering. We had it for eight long years and I'm done with it.

I really needed a good Presidential Leader to help calm me down and let me know that "No the sky is not falling", there are "NO WMDs" not everything is scary shit; let's just work together and fix things. Communication really is key and I'm glad he is doing just that. We don't need to constantly fear for our lives; we can live. I really do feel that things will get better for many. Living life with hopes and dreams is so much better than living in fear. Living with that much fear is no way to live.

Here is a photo that my friend Elena took of me as I was receiving my last set of treatments (around the end of August or early September). I actually believed I would loose all of my hair; I still had it surprisingly; I suppose I may have been preparing to loose it. It might be a little provocative; but I like it. I think I still look the same here with the exception of part of the scar. and maybe a little more skinnier. This scar did not go up as high and some of my old scar remains. I do plan to get more photos done soon with her as I get strong enough to take a whole trip to SF for a couple of days.

Yes we are still planning our special little trip(s) somewhere to just get away. I'm calling it my Denial trip where I can just get away and attempt to forget the miseries of this disease; but mostly to enjoy good quality time spent with the love of my life. I know we will take many fun trips together; somehow just staying in a hotel room; just a walk away from a beach or even country would be awesome right about now!)

As for the curry I had last night; still having major diarrhea issues as I was dumb enough to eat the left overs!( My honey went over to the dreaded Safeway to stand in line with beer and a big "Anti-Diarrhea" Medicine. Oh GOD did I need it! No worries; and the woman in front of him had just emptied her cart ahead of him with all kinds of liquor. It was a slow 15 minute process of waiting in line. After all the ringing up and everything; the cashier said "no we can't accept any of these checks". My honey is so hilarious in how he tells me a great story of how he came to be each and every time. I will never grow tired of his adventures.

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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Just get stronger....

After the bad news; I did the only thing I could do; enjoy all those drugs that were in my system making me so incredibly sleepy. I slept to my heart's content. I woke up for a few hours Monday night; then Tuesday morning I awoke shortly after 1pm. I got to take a quick semi-shower but have still yet to figure out the whole removal of the Nephostomy bag.

I cleaned myself as good as I could and even shampooed and conditioned my hair. As I was brushing my teeth and freshening myself up; my honey took Miss Blue Belle out for a walk. He told me that one of our neighbors was out by the pool and could use my company; so I jumped at the opportunity to learn something new.

This particular neighbor is so incredibly interesting and I always learn the very best ideas for being more green conscientious. I love people like this; her garden is the absolute best. She is able to feed herself all summer long and has even offered me some of her excellent greens for salads. She also has a worm farm where she actually knows what the hell she is doing. I got one because I just wanted to learn something new (& great for the environment); in fact my worm farm scared the living crap out of me when these scary bugs started living inside the box. Oh GOD were they scary!( I was having seriously scary worm and bug nightmare dreams where I finally decided that I had to absolutely surrender ownership of those scary, scary worms. Sometimes, I would wake up and lay out the loudest squeal; because I thought bugs and worms were actually crawling all over me. I would wake up, hyperventilating, and even having an anxiety attack. That worm bin had to absolutely go!

Finally, I had enough scary bug dreams that I donated my whole worm farm set-up which did cost me over $200 + with the worms and all to a local elementary school. From what I hear from the teacher; those kids had an absolute blast taking apart my worm composter. They probably even leaned some new species from all my nasty kitchen compost and stuff? What the hell where those scary ass worm bugs? Who knows? GOD were they scary!

Well anyway; I was feeling spry enough to get my bony little ass outside, in a sunhat, and I walked outside to the pool to talk and hang out with my neighbor Barbara; my green, composting, gardening, animal loving neighbor. We sat outside while she swam and I sat on the side of the pool; soaking the water on my legs and even getting my nephostomy bag a little wet. No big deal but the water felt so fabulous (85 degrees). I wanted so bad to do a cannonball into the water but I didn't; I was a good girl.

Anyway, we talked some about how I could still compost in my kitchen by dumping all of my compost into the garbage bin with out a bag; all kinds of things we discussed as we often do. This little way of composting could be good for the environment and the landfill. We will see if that works; I'll try again; NO MORE BUGS!

I think she might be on the board in my complex but she did explain certain laws that I didn't much know about in complexes such as where we live. We are not allowed to have Chickens and while I had my composter; that is one thing I wish I had; hell I still wish I had 2 cute little Japanese Silkie chickens to lays eggs for my honey each day. Chickens are fun to have as pets and they may make funky sounds and clucks but for some reason we can't have them as pets because of zoning laws. No farm animals?

UPDATE ON MY HEALTH: You know how you always catch mistakes after the fact? Well went I got my new nephostomy bag they forgot to give me any straps and no cap what so ever. So while I am in the store, I will have to lay my nephostomy bag on the counter; hopefully it won't get scanned while I dig through my wallet? for my form of payment. What they hell?

We really did have to serious get the ball rolling to convince those in the after surgery area that I needed these things for my bag. I needed to be able to strap the bag somewhere and not just hold onto it? What the F$#K? Hello? Well my honey was a trooper, he did get the straps and then kinda sorta the cap. It was just like an obstacle coarse and having to explain things to different people in different departments. For some reason nothing comes equipped with these bags but it did while I was hospitalized. I got everything I needed for my bag while I was hospitalized but not as outpatient?

I'm doing OK and still just thankful to be alive. I can still move around and still dealing with occasional pain from muscle and body spasms; and the shortness of my sensitive intestines. I'm much better able to control them today but am still in need of pain killers. My body is still in pain and with the help of my husband and friends; I decided I will not suffer at least for a couple more days; I will stop being a hard head and just take the dam pills!

Today, I watched as a paraplegic black man in his wheel chair made it across the street guiding his wheelchair with only his mouth as he looked over at me while he passed by me in my car. There are so many people and animals out there who are struggling with their own lives right now. No need for me to feel sorry for myself given my situations. It's the not worst situations ever! They could be strengths under another light. Nothing in life is going to be perfect; but I'm getting used to my system a little more and more each day; it's just taking a little more time than I expected.

I also got to go and get my license renewed again, a new photo, an eye test and lots of waiting around. I didn't take anything for pain and it did return; but I did OK; I was able to hold on until I got home. I layed down for about an hour and then got up to to try to eat something (soup and bread).

I almost forgot: My husband and I had sat on the couch together last night talking and viewing different hotels (getting all kinds of ideas of ways to relax and just have a blast together away from home) in which to just get away for just a few days; relax and to spend some quality time together. We have 2 willing neighbors who would love the opportunity to take care of my unusual manx cat Tonto. We are still considering leaving town for a few days to relax.

Tonto is a character on his own and I plan to bring him over to both homes tonight and will update with either video or photos. One neighbor has 2 cats so that should be interesting. Anyway to get back to our romantic plans of just celebrating life even though I still suffer in some amount of pain; we will have all that we need should anything happen.

Check out this cute video of Blue Belle and Tonto playing. Tonto may not sound like he is enjoying all of this; he really is.


Monday, May 18, 2009

Failed Surgery - Bag Stays for now....

Well I just got back from the hospital and yes, I am very, very bummed. I ain't gonna lie but I have been crying and still am. The stupid piss bag is here to stay for right now; not sure how long; but they will try again in a month and if that fails then I have to wait several months for a Urologist and the Urologist would have to try from the other end; Interventional Radiology is trying to insert the tube through my back and down the Ureter. I still have to hold on to faith that I have at least another snowboard season in store for me.

Might as well tell you about the whole failed experience. I didn't sleep hardly at all; it must have been anxiety and worrying about not being able to get rid of this stupid piss bag. I did still have diarrhea and nausea pretty much all night long; it was another sleepless night. The spasms had started and I also freaked out again about them because this time they felt as if I was going to have a heart attack. I took 2 Vicodens for the pain and then konked out.

We awoke at 6:30 and just got ready (I grabbed anything that didn't have any metal buttons or snaps, washed my face, brushed my hair and teeth, dressed), I also took Blue Belle out for her walk, fed her and Tonto and cleaned their water dishes = gave them fresh water. We left the house around 7:40am in order to arrive no later than 8am.

Once we got to the office we could see employees arriving and a very long line for radiology. The girl at the desk looked like "it". I couldn't see her face at all for her hair and she was so incredibly slow at what she was doing from what I could see (she was probably just as tired and as grumpy as me and my honey) of her. I don't think she could even see the long line for all the hair in her face. It was amazing.

It was finally our turn and we gave "it" our information and then sat back down. I brought my blanket and layed it down for a quick nap until the moment our name might be called.

We waited for about 15 minutes or so before being called by a young man as he also called on another couple to follow along with us. We followed this young gentleman to the back past all the radiography stuff and then all of a sudden the other other couple was gone. I must have been so tired that I didn't notice where he dropped them off at.

Within a few minutes we were brought in to a waiting area with gurneys and curtains. The young man directed me to sit in the gurney on the corner end;, I was to change out of my clothes and into a ridiculous ass showing gown. I got to keep my pants on but had to loose my T-shirt. After I changed, I moved all the way over to the the left side and allowed for my honey to sleep next to me. We were both so incredibility tired and not at all used to getting up so early in the AM.

We both lay in the smaller than twin size gurney and napped together for about 15-20 minutes. (I took this shot of my honey sleeping right next to me). It's not his most flattering angle and "No" he is not going bald (yet); I refuse to admit any of that; he is hot enough for me and that's all that matters! He does has a high forehead and believe me, he's entitled to have one since he is 44 years old and has been with his crazy wife all these years and knowing that I probably worry him to death more times than he deserves to be! He still gets IDed every once in a while; hell so do I sometimes.

I was already having dreams and everything when finally someone came in and woke us both up from our beauty sleep to inform us that I needed an IV. For some reason inserting this IV was much easier than expected and it was in my hand of all places. I thought that was ruined long ago!

Once I was set up for fluids and medications it wasn't long after that I would be wheeled to surgery. With that, my honey gave me a fabulous kiss as everyone on the team had his number should anything go wrong. I still had that little worry in my gut that I could not do anything about. I wanted it gone but I tried my best to ignore it; it was that little ounce of worry that the surgery may not work (like my doctor had warned me).

I don't want this piss bag thing to be permanent. I just want to live a normal life; I can't just not lift things, not ride my bike, not ride on the back of my honey's Dyna Street Glide, not shower, not take baths, not swim? It just doesn't seem fair. I always have to worry about these stupid wires in my back?

Anyway, I was brought back to surgery where it was cold, cold, cold. I was given toasty warm blankets and had even brought my own favorite from home. I was instructed to lie on my stomach and given 3 different shots of sedative each and every time I felt anything or if I looked like I felt something; I would be asked first. I felt quite awake and normal during the surgery and not the least bit drunk or disorderly. I was still and watching the camera and the little wire thing trying to connect; it was very confusing but I was hoping and praying that that little tube could make it through my Ureter?.

I so wanted it to work and kept encouraging the surgeon to not give up; he's doing a fabulous job; this will work; everything possitive, all the possitive thoughts I could possibly think of and praying ("Dear God, please allow these nice people to insert what they need to insert so that I can finally get rid of this stupid piss bag") and then I kept feeling this little jabbing inside me; it did feel just like a wire? I did have to say "Ouch" because it was an "Ouch" moment. The sweet lady with the surrenges came back to give me more sedatives which really helped with the pain. I then heard; I'm really sorry "Jayne". This isn't working; your kidneys are too damaged right now to work with and we will need another month for them to heal. The tube is all twisted and impossible to get a stint through. So Yes, another month with this stupid Piss Bag and even then there is still no guarantee that this will even work, but you know what; fuck Guarantees; Life is supposed to be full of surprises; so I guess I will just HOPE for the BEST.

It was trippy being half awake during this surgery and I sure hope that I am eventually going to be able to get rid of this stupid piss bag. I sure hope this isn't impossible.

We got home from the surgery a little after 4pmish and I crashed hard. I didn't wake up until after 11pm. So yes, I am back to my old sleeping habits which have become problematic for getting things done during the day.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Last Day Hopefully with the Nephostomy Bag...Let's Pray!

Well last night was one long night indeed. I had diarrhea all night long and I might as well have just slept on the toilet. In fact I tried to at one point. My poor bum burned so intensively; I used the "Sitz Bath" that my honey got me each time. It provided some relief but once I got off of it; it felt like I had to go all over again. It was quite disgusting having to pour poo from the hot water into the toilet, clean it out and start all over again. I guess this is my experience of changing diapers, huh?

I took painkillers, anti anxiety pills throughout the hours and even anti diarrhea medication and it seemed that nothing helped. I could not get to sleep because my intestines seemed to be in overdrive. They were involuntarily moving around everything in my system. They couldn't stop moving things around and outside of my body. It was totally miserable and finally at 5am I had enough so I took some Vicodan and an Ativan and was konked out until 1pm today. I didn't have any wierd dreams or hallucinate; just slept soundly and wonderfully. Wow! I cherish those moments of not having pain whether I am awake or I am sleeping soundly!)

I decided today that I will not eat anything and just clean out my system (except for breakfast - must have food with Antibiotic). The diarrhea has continued today and is still going on. My poor bum is still burning and just doesn't want to hack any more stomach acid coming out of it; that's exactly what it feels like. Anything I eat spends maybe 1/2 an hour in my system anyway and then it immediately comes right out; so what's the use? I can just eat my Whole Food's Gummy vitamins. No I definitely not doing this to loose any weight; I don't need to loose any more weight but I don't have much of a choice right now. It is such a pain in the ass to eat anything right now; no pun intended!)

I did eat some Cream of Wheat with my Antibiotic this morning and that too came out shortly after. Hopefully the Antibiotic is able to work since my intestines are on the painful projectile functions?

It is an incredibly hot day today and I know I will be spending most of the day inside. I can't hack 100+ degree weather and "the Boogie on the Bayou" is totally out of the question for us right now. I can't be more than 5ft away from a toilet for pretty much all day long unless I don't mind walking around in hershey shorts. It's feeling so miserable but at least I am going; I have to look at the bright side, I could be going in a bag.

It sure doesn't feel good as I even have stomach stomach acids coming out and causing further pain. I can't think of anything that can help me with this pain right now. The Percocets, the Vicodin; all seem to do nothing. Will be trying some bong hits soon. I kind of feel that GOD thinks I am a shitty person? Is this why I am going through all of this? Why? Yes, it could all get worse, but for now it is very, very painful and frustrating.

So enough about all this pain and suffering; here is what my life has been about even with the Cancer and Prior to the Cancer. All about having fun! Yeah it's kind of hard to have fun on the toilet, but that's not what it has been totally about. I've had lots of excitement in life over the years. Now I get to look forward to hopefully loosing this piss bag!

Here's to (snowboarding) what I have to look forward to and what gets me by each and every day (also my honey, pets, family, friends, and all those praying for me) and of course my beloved Snowboarding Addiction (it is pretty much like a drug Addiction; it's only drug I feel I have ever been completely Addicted to). There's just something about it to me that makes me feel at one with God.

I had been looking for a CD Case of all the DVDs that I have made over the years since being diagnosed. I started making them in 2003 and ever year since I have made them and I always make plenty of copies. I keep all copies in this once CD Case and it's missing. I did find some others which is great when reminiscing. I found lots of really really cool videos of me ripping it up in Oregon and Tahoe so do enjoy as I have: (I already posted this one on my Facebook page) Check out the height of air!

As I was awake in severe pain; I decided to go through another old CD Book that contained old photo back-ups and some that I had not even included in my new external drive. I also found these Oldies but goodies from Burning Man 1999 - This really was an amazing experience for me but the lame part of it all was that my honey had chosen to go to a Ted Nugent Concert instead with his buddies and a friend who had been visiting from his home town.

I was missing him the entire time (even crying myself to sleep on some nights) and I had dudes trying to hit on me (which to me was totally annoying); I stayed completely faithful to my man and even cried a few times because I missed him that much. I was so deeply in love back then and of course still am more so than ever.

Burning Man can be a bit crazy for those not used to seeing some people prance around naked, some doing all kinds of drugs (for me it was just pot or an occasional beer = nothing else for me), lots and lots of art and of course no money allowed; it's strictly bartering. You trade (I traded my skills in handwriting analysis = brought my books, and a spray water for the day = it was hot) for what you need and I really liked this concept; in fact I feel we could all do quite a bit during this recession in this manner. It's about being creative and resourceful to survive.

WARNING: Some of these photos may be offensive to some, please scroll down at your own discretion. No scary surprises! I do consider myself somewhat of an artist when it comes to photographing in that I can view and appreciate all kinds of art; it's just the beauty of the world that I tend to appreciate so much!)

After the Event; it is required that everything must go; no litter left behind; everything must be cleaned up and left as if was prior to everyone arriving. No damage to the environment allowed!

It's kind of a hippy kind of an event; Peace and Love! I did have fun and I got all kinds of photographs. What I wanted was some special photos of me for my honey and there were so many wonderful photographers there where you could really get professionally shot photos and the backgrounds were absolutely amazing; like a work of art; it was and this event has always been a Photographer's Dream!
Hope you enjoy!

I hope to post more of these once the 10 year Anniversary (for me= Not Burning Man) is official (Labor Day). I hear it's not at all the same as it once was. I paid around $60 for my ticket and we only stayed 4 days (Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday).

I also found these great photos from Gay Pride in SF in 1999. My honey and I went and he got to take photos of me posing next to some the trannies and/or Drag Queens. OK, I did dress slutty for my honey (he loved it = at least I had on some sexy shorts under that dress!),- we were so incredibly crazy for each other back then; OH GOD we are now!) but we all kind of wanted to fit in for this special event. It was so fun to play dress up!

I have had several gay room mates and I still have many, many close friends and they have all been absolutely wonderful to me. Many, just loving individuals who have been genuine. They have never given me a reason to hate them. They are just normal human beings and they are living as their heart tells them to live and I see problem with that. Follow your heart. I have a heart for them and I do Love them.

Well this was back then (Aug. 1999 - I think) We all went with my Room mates from the "New Moon House" on 1516 Guerrero Street between 26th and 27th street. The house has since been sold but it was such a wonderful community living experience for me. I had never lived like that before in my life. We recycled, composted, used some trash to make art; it was very, very cool. We had people from all the world who were staying here, some visiting, but they each brought life into the house and of course had to leave 1 item of art on that house. It was my one experience with how to live in a communal household. It was very safe and I will never forget it. I had at one time 13 room mates and no it wasn't totally crowded.

This house well is 3 stories (It's wasn't totally Victorian, but it was an old home) and I had my very own room with a beautiful bay window overlooking the tea garden. The room itself was very beautiful and I loved all the paint schemes with in the house. Each room was different. A house of artists and some misfits but in all everyone was full of heart and soul. Some room mates would even rent out closets and they were set up pretty nifty; the bed was set up in the ceiling; drawers and everything needed below; some people don't really need a whole lot to live on. It seemed most were Art Students! My old kittie Toonces grew up there and even killed every single mouse and rat that resided in that house prior to us arriving there. He was very much loved there. So here are the photos from Gay Pride 1999!

Oh Memories! Of a life once lived and then of life to be lived!) I have so much more to accomplish in this life!)

UPDATE: The bong hits worked and now I am feeling much better and drinking water and then trying to make a conscientious decision about what to eat? I am able to eat and playing it safe with Chicken and rice. Now it's getting ready for this surgery tomorrow morning. Updates on the surgery to come! Here's to getting rid of the nephostomy bag for good!)

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Nephostomy Surgery?

That might not be the right name for this particular surgery but that's kind of what I think it is. I'm really stoked that someone from Interventional Radiology finally called me to schedule getting rid of this dam piss bag! OK maybe it looks more like a fashion accessory here, but it definitely doesn't feel like one when I have to both stand up to pee and sit down (you know I forget about that sometimes!) It did take a while to get used to(still not totally used to it); I would sit down to pee and then completely forget that I needed to also empty the dam piss bag. So maybe I'm not completely standing up; I am kneeling a little over the toilet in emptying it; but it's so not fun!

Haulley luya! Is that how you spell it? The phone call I have been waiting for for weeks!) My doctor told me this would happen one day and Finally!) I'm so glad! I just pray that it helps and that they are able to internalize this whole thing!

When I had spoken with my doctor earlier this week; he had told me that someone would be calling from Interventional Radiology to schedule getting that dam bag off me! He also told me a few weeks ago too. The way that my doctor describes it is " internalizing it? (my nephostomy bag) which actually means inserting a stent between my Kidney and my Bladder. Now the little tube that goes from my Right Kidney to my bladder is called the Ureter. (this is what is damaged and why I need a nephostomy bag or a stint)

The scheduler on the phone was very nice; she then asked me about what date and time would work best for me. Well for me ASAP works great for me!) So she scheduled me for 9am on Monday, May 18th. I would need to be there at 8am (I'm guessing so that I can drink some yucky shit first?) and that I would need someone to pick me up at around 2pm. I would be heavily drugged up (fun!). So no eating after midnight (this Sunday) and no taking anything for pain after 5am. Easy enough! Wow! I hope this works!

Here is what my doctor told me which is kind of discouraging, but I am hoping and praying that this is not the case. Now during that big huge surgery, my ureter on my right may have accidentally gotten sewn somewhere during the surgery (I think he said the abdominal wall), now it could be the Cancer itself, or scar tissue which would be the 3 main things for failure in this surgery on Monday to internalize this stupid piss bag; either way my poor right kidney is blocked. I pray for success in this surgery. Positive thoughts; life goes on and no needs for stress; just hope. I know there are lots of people in this world that love me and are praying for me no matter what and this gets me by; just know this.

Check out my weight. Here I am with Wet Hair and all, clothing, boots and only 118? At least I am over the 115 mark. It's just been very difficult to gain the weight and trying to avoid the foods that I love but that often cause my intestines problems. For now it must be smoothies, soups, maybe toast, and I'm so sick of Cherios, bananas, and soymilk. Since I have to be enjoying a meal twice a day with my antibiotic; it's almost impossible but I do each time without the aid of my trusty plant. I know for a fact that I could not even come close to stomaching it with out it. Don't get me wrong; I have tried to stomach with out anything and it just doesn't work yet; projectile started and that is not what I like to have happen. I so hate puking!

Last night I tried to watch the Farrah Faucet special and just couldn't stomach it. On top of being incredibly depressing; it seemed that she would rather die than loose her hair which for me was very hard to even comprehend. There are plenty of excellent wigs that look the same as her hair. What the hell? That's exactly how I looked at it. What if there was a treatment effective for her cancer but unfortunately she would have to sacrifice her locks? Maybe she is ready to go at least that's what I thought of what I saw of her special; it's very sad if she is; she offers so much wisdom to the world. I couldn't watch it; it's very sad that she is going through the hells of cancer and I really wish her the best but so many of us have battled on anyway despite. I lost my hair and am more than likely going to loose it again; but the most important thing I have going is my life and for that; it is totally worth every bit of it; I'd do it again and again!

As for the bladder infection; that has gotten significantly bit better (I can now pee a lot more and with out the pain = no more squealing and jumping off the toilet in pain); but I am bored with eating (not enough choices) and trying to get my appetite; it could be the antibiotics that is making me so nauseous. Well I thought I would try these healthy Whey smoothies that my friend at Whole Foods had given me some free samples of.

Yesterday morning, I had half of and 8oz smoothie (4oz) this with my morning Antibiotic (must have with food) and it had a really strange taste to it; kinda tasted like gross baby food. It was hard to stomach so I needed some cannabis to get it down. I would have definitely puked had I not done that. I covered up my little smoothie and put it in the freezer.

Later on, I went to Whole Foods today and I got an Odwalla Vanilla Protein Shake and a small bag of this Raw Maca Powder to put in some of my food for nutrients, cancer fighting ammo while bringing my body to more alkaline level. I am going to try to start to get back into getting my body into a cancer fighting machine.

Since the rest of that yucky whey smoothie was in the freezer for a few hours; I took it out of the freezer and I let it thaw for just a little while, then I added some of the Odwalla that I hadn't finished and then a table spoon of this Raw Maca Powder (incan superfood). I have to admit I was a little stoned and it was a good thing (I needed to drink this and also take my antibiotic) The smoothie then tasted exactly like Baby Food Creamed Corn. Ewwwwwww! Freaking so nasty, but because I was stoned (thank GOD!); I am proud that I finished the whole 8 oz. with out puking!) Wow! That's Pretty amazing and that smoothie is so incredibly good for me and my intestines!)

This morning; I didn't have the 4am wake-up call with projectile organs which was really nice. I wonder if that smoothie had anything to do with that? Maca powder? I did have to take a Percocet before I went to bed and that has had to become the norm for me. It's mostly because of the fear that I have of this pain; during digestion. I get some scar tissue type pains in lower abdomen too.

At times I wonder if stomach fluid (because of the shortened intestinal tract) is coming out of my ass which is why the excessive burning and then of course those muscle spasms. It could be the combination of all the cutting that has been happening there (5 times). I just know in my heart that it is healing and only a matter of time before I don't have to take anything for pain. I can live off of my natural highs in life (biking, snowboarding, swimming, hiking, rollerblading, skating, etc). I'm not allowed to right now with this stupid bag so here's to it being gone when I awake later on Monday!

UPDATE: I spoke too early and the projectile organs started up again. I had to do a percocet and then about an hour and half later (they wouldn't stop and it was killing me), I did a Klonopan; now I am feeling much better. Thank GOD!) I hate that pain.

Check out my stomach, see where that "X" is; that marks the place where when the muscle spasms hurt the most; it feels like a tear here and it so painful!(. If you notice the lower part of my stomach is very flat and then there is a divot (not sure what to call that -for all I know I could be calling this a piece of shit! it seems like the right term?) but the skin and everything just kind of moves up my stomach like there is a hill there. Now this will be interesting to see how my body will be shaping up in the coming months. I even circled where that awful fistula hole once was. It's just a tiny little right now. Trippy, huh?

Well this weekend should be fun and I have to get my sleeping pattern changed once and for all. (going to bed at 2am and awaking at 11:30ish) Boogie on Bayou is happening in Campbell this weekend and we got invited to a few barbeques this weekend as well. We have also been invited to a Birthday party for a friends 13 year old. We will see.

Nothing has changed with Tonto; he's still into his tunnel!)

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Ohhh So Sexy....

You know I have seen hundreds if not thousands of movies and photos with sexy men and this has to be the sexiest butt I have ever seen. This photo does not even do it justice; totally mesmerizing!)

I took a bunch of photos (not so many came out good on my iPhone) while my honey wasn't looking as he vacuumed these area rugs. I was feeling crappy on the couch last night as my honey vacuumed the living room, stairs, and all the rugs in the house, then he cleaned my kitchen, both bathrooms (& toilets) and then I got thrill and it made my bladder infection actually feel good for a little while. I got hot and bothered watching him do housework all around me. It was so cute!

He did serve his 4 years in the Army and when he cleans the house; he calls it a GI party. All the many things I treasure most about him!) We have one of those now twice a month. It could increase to once a week, but we will see. He's doing a fabulous job taking care of me!) I'm lucky even though sometimes it might seem like I'm not.

Notice: NO PLUMBER BUTT! I can only be so proud. It seems plumber butt is the new fashion statement that actually makes me feel so old. I'm that Old Lady that just can't get it; why is everyone wanting to show off their Plumber Butt? I can't get into plumber butt; not even for myself. I don't wish to punish anyone but them having to see my bony ass; or my fat ass as it got to be a few times; I even cover up my nephostomy bag most of the time.

UPDATE: My doctor did call me today with results of the culture from my urine test that I took on Monday. This particular bacteria strain is actually resistant to both Cipro and Septra. I got prescribed Macrobid which has been tested to be effective on this particular strain. I can't wait until it starts working. I have only taken 1 today and I also took a Septra this morning (4 pills total since Monday).

I am still having pain pee sessions (feeling like I have to pee, a little comes out and then youch!!!( What horrible pain and it makes me jump and scream every time. Tonto has not been digging this at all. I can tell he is worried about me and of course Miss Blue Belle. Can't wait for that medicine to start working! I am grateful that the pain isn't totally constant but for most of the day; I get that urge to pee and it burns!( I can be out walking around and then feel that urge to go pee and then nothing or a few drops come out. It's so painful! It's just a matter of time before those horrible bacteria is killed off and I can finally get some relief what I pee!)

I do have a little better control on the Projectile Organs lately. Still doing the Klonopin which is working pretty good for that painful crap to have to go through. Yes, it starts with having to go number 2 and then it gets more and more violent if I don't do something for pain right away. Maybe it's my intestinal system having an anxiety attack and that's why this is working for right now?

I did get a visit today from the nicest nurse (Ellen) and she had to release me today because I am now ready to be off home health. I can get around the house much better and can even drive myself places. From now on as far as the nephostomy bag is concerned; I will need to go to Interventional Radiology once a week for changing. This nurse was so full of heart, compassion, and just a wonderful person all around. Just another example of how I can appreciate wonderful nurses.

Now she has come over the last 3 times to change my dressing on my back of course Miss Blue Belle loves her and this time she thought Nurse Ellen had come over to see her instead of me. I had to tell Blue Belle to go sit on her rug until she was finished fixing me. As she was fixing me; I got to talking to her about my frustration with cleaning myself. It's almost like I'm not allowed to all because it forbidden for me to get my back wet. I could easily get a serious infection from those tubes.

The worst thing about this whole Nephostomy bag is not being able to shower. Right now I feel I just taking "HO" baths for that last few weeks and it's definitely not the same. I feel so dirty and disgusting sometimes. My honey always tells me that I'm not at all and still the sexy wonderful woman he married. No my bathing is not exactly like the Urban dictionary says it (that's pretty disgusting; but then again I haven't showered in weeks), but basically using a wet rag and going over it with soap and then a clean wet rag, then a dry off. I was able to sit in the bathtub (but not anymore since this infection = it's prohibited now). I want to shower so bad!

I can't get my back wet at all; and we will have to figure out a way to cover everything up. The nurse was so compassionate as I cried telling her of my frustrations of not being able to bath normally. She showed my honey and me how to change the catheter thingy on my nephostomy bag and just disconnecting it; cleaning and sterilization, then putting a dry wash cloth and wrapping it up with some plastic wrap, or one of those freezer bags cut just right to cover and taped. She was so full of wonderful ideas and even gave us her card if we needed any more help. She would do her best to help us; so incredibly accommodating to us. I guess she could see the love in our home. We will be trying some of those techniques tomorrow; I just have to be a dirtbag another night!(

I was able to wash my hair yesterday over the bathtub and can only do this about every 3 days. When my tummy was burning; it is very hard to do and sometimes my honey will help me if I ask him to.

At least I am not in the severe pain I was in yesterday. It's improved some for the time being. I'm still excited that I at least got aroused last night from a sexy man doing my housework!) Happy moments in life work for me; if it's just laughing, enjoying good conversation, or just sitting there relaxed and not feeling pain is good enough for me. I am still enjoying life and although much of this is scary; I still have HOPE in my heart that I'm going to get stronger and beat this disease!) Things will get better!)

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
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