Is it More Chemo time....

I thought I would take a photo of me in this nice ensemble I put together to meet with my chemo doctor. I thought it was quite stylish and cool since I no longer have a nephostomy bag!) These pants are little big for me and were a size 2. I actually wear a size 0? Well next time I go shopping for pants we will see! I also got a new swim suit, so look out in future posts! It's a two peace and I decided it won't hurt to sport my "I've been cut open 5 times" scar. It's doesn't look so bad and it covers in all the right places and makes my boobs appear like human boobs and not doggie boobies!)

Well I went to talk with Dr. Chemo today and I really feel so much better now about starting back on chemo. This doctor has the best bedside manner ever for a Chemotherapy Doctor; which is why I love him. He is so positive and genuinely has the faith that I am strong enough to keep on living many years with this disease and possibly see another remission. How cool is that? He told me there are tons of drugs out there, with minimal sides effects that are worth trying for me. We have a huge future of chemo to look forward to and I have even more reason to live in the now!)

I'm going to start taking Tamoxifen (2 pills daily) starting tonight. We are going mellow with my treatments and will be trying this drug for 2 months just to see if it will work. This might just work on those tumors that I have growing on my right side. There's minimal side effects with this drug but just in case; I'm taking it at night. From what I understand about this drug is that it is a hormone and maybe it's something that I'm lacking. Oh, Please God I hope it makes me horny! I could sure use that in my marriage right now. My sex drive since this surgery, has been completely null and void. That would by far be the best side effect ever!)

The stupid nephostomy bag didn't help my causes either, and neither did the freaking TPN bag; but it really sucks ass that I don't have much of a sex drive and to have such a wonderful husband who deserves more than that; kinda makes me depressed. I do try my best to make him happy but most of the time; he has to put up with my neutered and spayed ways. How can he be so wonderful towards me when I'm so out of touch with my sexuality? He really does mean it when he goes through thick and thin for me and I will never ever, ever, ever take him or that for granted. That's a total gift!) He is the complete package for me!) I hate having this disease but I am still the luckiest woman on earth to have such a wonderful man by my side.

OK, back to my doctor appointment with Dr. Chemo; he did prescribe me a stronger dose of pain medication (Dilaudid) for night time so that I don't wake my honey in the pain that I have been having both in my butthole and my intestines. The intestinal pain is a bit more severe than the butthole pain in that it feels like glass is in in there trying to move it's way out of my body. Oh God does it hurt!

Geez, imagine that; I'm digesting lots of old broken coke bottles,, beer bottles, beer cans, light bulbs, and maybe some old cork screws! At least that's what it feels like sometimes. Sometimes the pain itself can outright take my breath away! Well, anyway this pain medication will help knock me out for a few hours so that my honey and I can at least sleep through the night. (hopefully I won't be waking him up at 3am each morning) I can just take it when the pain starts. No confusion here! If these pain medications are stronger than what I am currently taking, then I don't wish to take any chances on taking the medication before the pain starts; these are for when the pain starts.

It's supposed to work much faster too; no more waiting 45 minutes for it to work and no more crying for that long either. I really do try my best not to cry when the pain starts up, but sometimes I just can't help it and I have to cry. I can only be so tough to this pain and when it jumps all the way up to a 9 or 10; that toughness in me tends to fade. I start becoming the chicken monkey wimp and start crying and making strange animal noises. It must stem from me being raised around so many animals as a child that my primal instincts take over when the pain gets to that unbearable mark where I just can't take it anymore and start screaming.

Anyway, hopefully no more strange animal noises, puking, and pooing at the same time, no more turning on the hot water to the tub multiple times, lots of toilet flushing and more to wake up my poor sweet honey boy!) Here's to a painless sleepful night! - and maybe some sex too (hope those chemo/hormonal pills make me super horny tonight or tomorrow morning!)

True Love at Dr. Appointments...

I had an appointment today to get my nephostomy dressing changed and my honey drove me to that appointment. It needs to be changed every 2 weeks and in 2 weeks (June 18th) it will be taken out and internalized!) Here's to the power of Positive thinking! I was so impressed at my husband's attentiveness and making sure I was comfortable while waiting for that appointment,.

We did stop for lunch just prior to the appointment and my intestines were up to their usual antics of diarrhea and vomiting every 15 minutes. I brought my own TP and some hemi wipes to calm my poor bum! I was so miserable and finally after waiting for nearly an hour I went to see one of the receptionists to let her know that if we are not to be seen soon, we will have to leave and that I wasn't feeling well enough to be waiting for ever in the waiting room. She immediately called someone and a very nice caring nurse came out and took us in the back so that she could change my dressing. I had to sit in a wheelchair because if I stood up, my intestines would feel as if they were falling and I would have the immediate urge to have to go to the bathroom.

While my dressing was being changed, my stomach and intestines started churning like crazy and I almost vomited right on the table. I held it together as best as I could . My honey massaged me and held my hand while she continued to change my dressing. It was kind of painful getting all the tape off of my back and then my itchy, itchy back from where the tube was coming out.

The nurse and my husband spoke and he told her of how he cared for me when I had to have the feeding tube, more wounds to change and so much more. I cried some more as I heard him telling her of all the great things he has done for me. She asked me how I was doing and I told her I'm just crying because I love him so much and all that he does for me. He touches my heart in all the right places.

Finally after the dressing was changed, the nurse and my husband helped me into the wheel chair and on to the first restroom we could find. I vomited up most of my lunch as I sat on the toilet with severe diarrhea (mostly from the antibiotic). It has been seeming strange that these muscle spasms are doing this; maybe there is some flapper thing in my stomach that causes this; something is malfunctioning? It's just the strangest that when I push to go the bathroom, vomit comes up and uncontrollably. It's so incredibly frustrating and I hate puking so much! My tummy even feels like I have done thousands of sit-ups; not good especially after having this last surgery.

After this episode, I felt as if I had been hit by a bus; I did not feel good and just wanted to go home and go to bed. My honey pushed me in the wheel chair outside to take me to the car. On our way out, my doctor just happened to be sitting on one of the benches outside and we got to question him about this weird thing (vomiting and diarrhea). I was so glad we bumped into him and he suggested that I get off the antibiotic and see what happens. My doctor was concerned about more infections developing and that if this continues I might need to see a specialist.

When I got home from that appointment, I just went upstairs and slept for several hours while my honey cleaned and boxed things up things in order to get ready for my new flooring. It should be arriving in a few days. Bless his heart and he doesn't want me doing anything that requires too much energy. I did get to sit down with a huge, huge pile of junk mail, old bills credit card applications, and old paperwork and just shredded all of it. Paperwork tends to pile up and with the home improvements, we are just getting around to reducing. It's amazing how much things you save over the years and then those piles go somewhere until years later. Anyway still trying to heal and just getting anxiety worrying about if I will be ready to return to work on the 23rd of June. I still feel cut-up inside after nearly 3 months after that surgery. It's frustrating to still feel so much pain. I hope I am able heal soon!)

Home Improvements and love...

My honey and his friend have slowly been making progress in our home this week in making small repairs. It's little fixes that have needed to be fixed for a little while and finally getting those done as he is off from work and taking good care of me. We are both so busy that we hardly every have the time to do things for our selves or our home.

We are finally getting the horrible carpet torn out this week (I'm sure this has been making us sick for some time). I'm so proud of him; he ordered the gorgeous flooring on Monday and hopefully it will be here in time before my brother and father arrive (June 11th and 13th). This is my birthday gift from him; home improvements!

Most women would not accept this as part of their gifts but to me they are gifts. I don't wish to ask for more. Just having a home to call home with the man that I love is the best gift I could possibly ask for. I also get to be a part of this whole ambitious project only my honey doesn't want me doing any more than directing and giving orders as to what I would like; where to position things and I picked the flooring out.

He still keeps hounding me about what I want for my birthday and I already have my gifts; I don't need anything else. Got my man, my brother and father are coming out to visit, I'm getting a beautiful spalted maple floor for my kitchen, dining, and living room, a new shower head, and a new door handle (thingy?), oh and a new fan for the upstairs bathroom (it's awesome and quiet and more light in the bathroom!) It just keeps getting better.

He replaced our old door handle on our front door with a magnificent one that a friend of ours had given us about 7 years ago. We priced it out and it would have cost us $400 but we saved that money and used what we already had. The old door handle didn't work very good and would shake and become unsteady when leaving the house; it was also hard to get back in. Each time, it felt as if the key would get stuck; now it's effortless and works like a gem! There's like no effort at all to place the key in and turn. It's like fun to open the door to my own home!)

The shower has also been fixed and now I have a magic wand if I would like to use on my poor sore bum. Yes, lots of diarrhea lately from that antibiotic for my bladder infection. I have also been vomiting a lot more than usual and this stems from the heart burn and muscle spasms in my abdomen. It seems a lot like a muscle spasm in that it starts in the middle and it goes opposite directions; one down to my ass and the other, up my esophagus. Is this why I am still able to grow muscle after 4 surgeries and now a 5th? I think so!

How painful and frustrating it was to have to go through; but the pot has been working to help my appetite after these episodes. It's all I can do to get an appetite and to try to gain some weight. I finally got up to 117 last night (weighing myself 2 x a day). I am so anxious to start gaining some weight so that I can at least get more healthy.

While all of this home improvement has been going on; I have been going through those painful episodes and have been confined to the couch with occasional walks outside. I can't stand up for too long or my intestines feel that they need to empty after a few minutes.

I do feel that I am slightly improving in that I can eat more foods but the digestion issue is still a little iffy. I have the appetite for the food, can eat it, but then I get sick a few hours later. It's like horrible heart burn. Sometimes I still wake up with the heartburn of food from the night before and it's almost impossible to try to eat something the next morning unless I utilize some cannabis.

Yesterday, Mr. Tonto finally got to go over to my neighbors house to explore. I took him over to my neighbor's house with Blue Belle and we hung out for a little while and then me and Blue left Tonto there for about 4 hours to have a blast exploring and playing. He had an absolute blast and is welcome back anytime he desires. I'm taking him there today if he desires to.

My neighbor told me that while he was there, he ate a whole container of catnip and even played around her house; then then scared her two cats. which he clearly weighs more than both cats put together and that's pretty funny. I have tried and tried to put this cat on a diet; I walk him when I can, feed him twice a day (for the weight I would like him to be = not his current weight), he and Blue Belle play sometimes; but I think he entices the neighbors. He gets treats every day and knows exactly how to get them.

Blue Belle was sad to stay home while my honey and I had a date. We went to have sushi with some more neighbors. We tried to buy them dinner, but they refused? Why is everyone being so nice to us? Oh, I know why; we are blessed with love!) We love the opportunity to do nice things for our neighbors as well.

When we got home from Sushi, Miss Blue Belle had helped herself to nearly a whole packet of saltines. She had sat on her rug and finished off the entire rest of those saltines while we went to have sushi. I ate maybe 4 last night to try to calm my tummy, rolled the end up really good and then placed in the bottom shelf of my pantry. It was easy for her to get to; she has never done that before (she didn't knock anything over to get to it), but she was making it known that she was not happy that Tonto got to hang with my other neighbor. I guess she felt entitled to those saltines.

I know now he's (Tonto) very friendly; 180 degrees when I first got him. He was one wild, skinny, crazy devil cat! Now he's a lush and a huge lover boy.. I think he just wanted those other kitties to please be friends with him and of course to play with them. He loves entertainment and those kitties probably entertained him some until he got bored with them. They growled at him from under a bed and he sat under that bed with the cats and tried to chatter with them. He may have hissed and growled back but then it got to his usual conversations. "where's the food?", "where can I go potty?" or "let's go play some games!". I really wonder what is meant to come out of those kitty conversations he often has? It was so cute to imagine. Here is a cute photo and a video of his fun. This one is very short and taken after he dumped the whole container of catnip all over himself. I was there for that!)


We woke up in time and got ready and my honey took me to the Farmer's Market this morning and I got just enough veggies for a nice romantic lunch with my honey. We had some friends stop by to help my honey take apart my Vaporizer and clean it. It hasn't worked in quite a few months.

I decided to have an easy meal today and at least try to eat some of my cannabis (just a few pinches) in my special spaghetti sauce. I cooked some spinach pasta and it was so incredibly amazing with my special sauce! You could still taste some of the spinach but boy did that sauce rock! I cooked the garlic, red onions, Celtic Sea Salt, fresh herbs from my garden (oregano, basil) and some from my neighborhood freshly ground (cannabis), several cloves of fresh garlic,, finely chopped red onions, a touch of Cayenne Pepper in the sauce and cooked the special sauce for about 20 minutes. We broke out the "Mangus" Arizona Stronghold (I added some to my sauce along with olive oil during the last 5 minutes of cooking). What an awesome day!) It sure took the pain away and I feel because I was digesting the cannabis; finally some feelings of normalcy!) My intestines didn't ache or hurt for at least several hours. I was able to walk around better, didn't feel that constant heartburn nausea feeling; it was great!)

Anyway, I froze the special sauce in order to save for my birthday. (I will be updating on that, maybe some fun video; who knows?) I hope to make a homemade pizza on my new Pizza Stone (finally remembered a gift my honey could get me!). It doesn't get any better than that with my little brother (only he's not so little anymore!) He needs to have some fun with his sister and we haven't seen each nearly 4 years. Did I mention he is a professional Dog Groomer? Fun with family it will be! I hope to take my brother and my father to the Farmer's Market that very morning in order to pick out ingredients to add to a homemade pizza with my very special sauce. It will be more or less the family times that are not planned, but just fall into place. Since today worked out so well why not again!

I do know that there is a woman at the market that is sometimes there selling the most amazing mushrooms (Maitaki, Shitaki, button, all kinds!), she's not always there, but I will be sure to try to get few of those on our pizza's. I'm freezing the sauce now and then letting it thaw in the fridge for that Saturday (13th). Let's see if I can accomplish that! It's all about making your dreams come true and planning them (if any plans at all) one at a time. The Farmer's Market has the most amazing organic tomatoes that are not quite red and singes of purple in them! I love the colorful tomatoes! Those kinds of slices sound amazing on my pizza!

After eating, I only had 1/2 a glass of wine and used the first 1/2 for the sauce of the Maynard Wine! I was able to walk around outside and did not have that feeling where my intestines are falling. They felt they were OK today (after eating my special sauce & using the vaporizer). Today, we are celebrating life; the very last day of May, and we still have each other!) Sorry to be so sappy, but that's just the way that we are!)

Now the Countdown to my family visit, then I have surgery to hopefully "internalize the stint". Yes, it got scheduled! The appointment! Oh God! Do I hope it works? I sure hope and pray that it does! Feeling that pinch and it wasn't very comfortable to feel, but I hope they are able to get that little tube down my ureter!) No more nephostomy bag!)

BITCH SESSION: It's getting old as the temperatures rise and I want to do a Cannonball into the pool, I want to sit in the hot tub and make-out with my honey, I want to ride my beautiful bike around the neighborhood and not have to worry about yanking tubes and wires? out of my back? What the hell! I'm so ready to get rid of this nephostomy bag!

OK, enough with the bitching, but I am still very thankful to have had such a wonderful day with my honey. We had such a fun day together and he even cleaned my vaporizer so that I can use it finally! It's been out of use since January. Now it's working and I'm feeling much better (less pain) and even did some Yoga stretches. I also sat and meditated for just a little while; it felt wonderful to do and I need to try to do that more often.

A good woman in Canada is now worrying about her second kidney. She helped me so much through my nephostomy bag worries; she's had hers since September and getting around just fine with her son and loving husband. It's always good to connect with other people who share your same worries so that you can gain strength from each other. Thank you Becky! I will always be grateful to you and all the strong women I have met who are also battling for their lives!

I think we both have been through the ringer a few too many times but we both continue our battles. We write each other occasionally or just go to each other blogs to find out how we are each doing. I'm definitely thinking miracle thoughts and blessings for her that her left kidney pushes that tumor away from it, or that something kills that despicable tumor growing there! May there be chemo that can and will do that for her! Here's to that cure we will see one day soon!o)

Just get stronger....

After the bad news; I did the only thing I could do; enjoy all those drugs that were in my system making me so incredibly sleepy. I slept to my heart's content. I woke up for a few hours Monday night; then Tuesday morning I awoke shortly after 1pm. I got to take a quick semi-shower but have still yet to figure out the whole removal of the Nephostomy bag.

I cleaned myself as good as I could and even shampooed and conditioned my hair. As I was brushing my teeth and freshening myself up; my honey took Miss Blue Belle out for a walk. He told me that one of our neighbors was out by the pool and could use my company; so I jumped at the opportunity to learn something new.

This particular neighbor is so incredibly interesting and I always learn the very best ideas for being more green conscientious. I love people like this; her garden is the absolute best. She is able to feed herself all summer long and has even offered me some of her excellent greens for salads. She also has a worm farm where she actually knows what the hell she is doing. I got one because I just wanted to learn something new (& great for the environment); in fact my worm farm scared the living crap out of me when these scary bugs started living inside the box. Oh GOD were they scary!( I was having seriously scary worm and bug nightmare dreams where I finally decided that I had to absolutely surrender ownership of those scary, scary worms. Sometimes, I would wake up and lay out the loudest squeal; because I thought bugs and worms were actually crawling all over me. I would wake up, hyperventilating, and even having an anxiety attack. That worm bin had to absolutely go!

Finally, I had enough scary bug dreams that I donated my whole worm farm set-up which did cost me over $200 + with the worms and all to a local elementary school. From what I hear from the teacher; those kids had an absolute blast taking apart my worm composter. They probably even leaned some new species from all my nasty kitchen compost and stuff? What the hell where those scary ass worm bugs? Who knows? GOD were they scary!

Well anyway; I was feeling spry enough to get my bony little ass outside, in a sunhat, and I walked outside to the pool to talk and hang out with my neighbor Barbara; my green, composting, gardening, animal loving neighbor. We sat outside while she swam and I sat on the side of the pool; soaking the water on my legs and even getting my nephostomy bag a little wet. No big deal but the water felt so fabulous (85 degrees). I wanted so bad to do a cannonball into the water but I didn't; I was a good girl.

Anyway, we talked some about how I could still compost in my kitchen by dumping all of my compost into the garbage bin with out a bag; all kinds of things we discussed as we often do. This little way of composting could be good for the environment and the landfill. We will see if that works; I'll try again; NO MORE BUGS!



I think she might be on the board in my complex but she did explain certain laws that I didn't much know about in complexes such as where we live. We are not allowed to have Chickens and while I had my composter; that is one thing I wish I had; hell I still wish I had 2 cute little Japanese Silkie chickens to lays eggs for my honey each day. Chickens are fun to have as pets and they may make funky sounds and clucks but for some reason we can't have them as pets because of zoning laws. No farm animals?

UPDATE ON MY HEALTH: You know how you always catch mistakes after the fact? Well went I got my new nephostomy bag they forgot to give me any straps and no cap what so ever. So while I am in the store, I will have to lay my nephostomy bag on the counter; hopefully it won't get scanned while I dig through my wallet? for my form of payment. What they hell?

We really did have to serious get the ball rolling to convince those in the after surgery area that I needed these things for my bag. I needed to be able to strap the bag somewhere and not just hold onto it? What the F$#K? Hello? Well my honey was a trooper, he did get the straps and then kinda sorta the cap. It was just like an obstacle coarse and having to explain things to different people in different departments. For some reason nothing comes equipped with these bags but it did while I was hospitalized. I got everything I needed for my bag while I was hospitalized but not as outpatient?

I'm doing OK and still just thankful to be alive. I can still move around and still dealing with occasional pain from muscle and body spasms; and the shortness of my sensitive intestines. I'm much better able to control them today but am still in need of pain killers. My body is still in pain and with the help of my husband and friends; I decided I will not suffer at least for a couple more days; I will stop being a hard head and just take the dam pills!

Today, I watched as a paraplegic black man in his wheel chair made it across the street guiding his wheelchair with only his mouth as he looked over at me while he passed by me in my car. There are so many people and animals out there who are struggling with their own lives right now. No need for me to feel sorry for myself given my situations. It's the not worst situations ever! They could be strengths under another light. Nothing in life is going to be perfect; but I'm getting used to my system a little more and more each day; it's just taking a little more time than I expected.

I also got to go and get my license renewed again, a new photo, an eye test and lots of waiting around. I didn't take anything for pain and it did return; but I did OK; I was able to hold on until I got home. I layed down for about an hour and then got up to to try to eat something (soup and bread).

I almost forgot: My husband and I had sat on the couch together last night talking and viewing different hotels (getting all kinds of ideas of ways to relax and just have a blast together away from home) in which to just get away for just a few days; relax and to spend some quality time together. We have 2 willing neighbors who would love the opportunity to take care of my unusual manx cat Tonto. We are still considering leaving town for a few days to relax.

Tonto is a character on his own and I plan to bring him over to both homes tonight and will update with either video or photos. One neighbor has 2 cats so that should be interesting. Anyway to get back to our romantic plans of just celebrating life even though I still suffer in some amount of pain; we will have all that we need should anything happen.

Check out this cute video of Blue Belle and Tonto playing. Tonto may not sound like he is enjoying all of this; he really is.

Nephostomy Surgery?

That might not be the right name for this particular surgery but that's kind of what I think it is. I'm really stoked that someone from Interventional Radiology finally called me to schedule getting rid of this dam piss bag! OK maybe it looks more like a fashion accessory here, but it definitely doesn't feel like one when I have to both stand up to pee and sit down (you know I forget about that sometimes!) It did take a while to get used to(still not totally used to it); I would sit down to pee and then completely forget that I needed to also empty the dam piss bag. So maybe I'm not completely standing up; I am kneeling a little over the toilet in emptying it; but it's so not fun!

Haulley luya! Is that how you spell it? The phone call I have been waiting for for weeks!) My doctor told me this would happen one day and Finally!) I'm so glad! I just pray that it helps and that they are able to internalize this whole thing!

When I had spoken with my doctor earlier this week; he had told me that someone would be calling from Interventional Radiology to schedule getting that dam bag off me! He also told me a few weeks ago too. The way that my doctor describes it is " internalizing it? (my nephostomy bag) which actually means inserting a stent between my Kidney and my Bladder. Now the little tube that goes from my Right Kidney to my bladder is called the Ureter. (this is what is damaged and why I need a nephostomy bag or a stint)

The scheduler on the phone was very nice; she then asked me about what date and time would work best for me. Well for me ASAP works great for me!) So she scheduled me for 9am on Monday, May 18th. I would need to be there at 8am (I'm guessing so that I can drink some yucky shit first?) and that I would need someone to pick me up at around 2pm. I would be heavily drugged up (fun!). So no eating after midnight (this Sunday) and no taking anything for pain after 5am. Easy enough! Wow! I hope this works!

Here is what my doctor told me which is kind of discouraging, but I am hoping and praying that this is not the case. Now during that big huge surgery, my ureter on my right may have accidentally gotten sewn somewhere during the surgery (I think he said the abdominal wall), now it could be the Cancer itself, or scar tissue which would be the 3 main things for failure in this surgery on Monday to internalize this stupid piss bag; either way my poor right kidney is blocked. I pray for success in this surgery. Positive thoughts; life goes on and no needs for stress; just hope. I know there are lots of people in this world that love me and are praying for me no matter what and this gets me by; just know this.

Check out my weight. Here I am with Wet Hair and all, clothing, boots and only 118? At least I am over the 115 mark. It's just been very difficult to gain the weight and trying to avoid the foods that I love but that often cause my intestines problems. For now it must be smoothies, soups, maybe toast, and I'm so sick of Cherios, bananas, and soymilk. Since I have to be enjoying a meal twice a day with my antibiotic; it's almost impossible but I do each time without the aid of my trusty plant. I know for a fact that I could not even come close to stomaching it with out it. Don't get me wrong; I have tried to stomach with out anything and it just doesn't work yet; projectile started and that is not what I like to have happen. I so hate puking!

Last night I tried to watch the Farrah Faucet special and just couldn't stomach it. On top of being incredibly depressing; it seemed that she would rather die than loose her hair which for me was very hard to even comprehend. There are plenty of excellent wigs that look the same as her hair. What the hell? That's exactly how I looked at it. What if there was a treatment effective for her cancer but unfortunately she would have to sacrifice her locks? Maybe she is ready to go at least that's what I thought of what I saw of her special; it's very sad if she is; she offers so much wisdom to the world. I couldn't watch it; it's very sad that she is going through the hells of cancer and I really wish her the best but so many of us have battled on anyway despite. I lost my hair and am more than likely going to loose it again; but the most important thing I have going is my life and for that; it is totally worth every bit of it; I'd do it again and again!

As for the bladder infection; that has gotten significantly bit better (I can now pee a lot more and with out the pain = no more squealing and jumping off the toilet in pain); but I am bored with eating (not enough choices) and trying to get my appetite; it could be the antibiotics that is making me so nauseous. Well I thought I would try these healthy Whey smoothies that my friend at Whole Foods had given me some free samples of.

Yesterday morning, I had half of and 8oz smoothie (4oz) this with my morning Antibiotic (must have with food) and it had a really strange taste to it; kinda tasted like gross baby food. It was hard to stomach so I needed some cannabis to get it down. I would have definitely puked had I not done that. I covered up my little smoothie and put it in the freezer.

Later on, I went to Whole Foods today and I got an Odwalla Vanilla Protein Shake and a small bag of this Raw Maca Powder to put in some of my food for nutrients, cancer fighting ammo while bringing my body to more alkaline level. I am going to try to start to get back into getting my body into a cancer fighting machine.

Since the rest of that yucky whey smoothie was in the freezer for a few hours; I took it out of the freezer and I let it thaw for just a little while, then I added some of the Odwalla that I hadn't finished and then a table spoon of this Raw Maca Powder (incan superfood). I have to admit I was a little stoned and it was a good thing (I needed to drink this and also take my antibiotic) The smoothie then tasted exactly like Baby Food Creamed Corn. Ewwwwwww! Freaking so nasty, but because I was stoned (thank GOD!); I am proud that I finished the whole 8 oz. with out puking!) Wow! That's Pretty amazing and that smoothie is so incredibly good for me and my intestines!)

This morning; I didn't have the 4am wake-up call with projectile organs which was really nice. I wonder if that smoothie had anything to do with that? Maca powder? I did have to take a Percocet before I went to bed and that has had to become the norm for me. It's mostly because of the fear that I have of this pain; during digestion. I get some scar tissue type pains in lower abdomen too.

At times I wonder if stomach fluid (because of the shortened intestinal tract) is coming out of my ass which is why the excessive burning and then of course those muscle spasms. It could be the combination of all the cutting that has been happening there (5 times). I just know in my heart that it is healing and only a matter of time before I don't have to take anything for pain. I can live off of my natural highs in life (biking, snowboarding, swimming, hiking, rollerblading, skating, etc). I'm not allowed to right now with this stupid bag so here's to it being gone when I awake later on Monday!

UPDATE: I spoke too early and the projectile organs started up again. I had to do a percocet and then about an hour and half later (they wouldn't stop and it was killing me), I did a Klonopan; now I am feeling much better. Thank GOD!) I hate that pain.

Check out my stomach, see where that "X" is; that marks the place where when the muscle spasms hurt the most; it feels like a tear here and it so painful!(. If you notice the lower part of my stomach is very flat and then there is a divot (not sure what to call that -for all I know I could be calling this a piece of shit! it seems like the right term?) but the skin and everything just kind of moves up my stomach like there is a hill there. Now this will be interesting to see how my body will be shaping up in the coming months. I even circled where that awful fistula hole once was. It's just a tiny little right now. Trippy, huh?

Well this weekend should be fun and I have to get my sleeping pattern changed once and for all. (going to bed at 2am and awaking at 11:30ish) Boogie on Bayou is happening in Campbell this weekend and we got invited to a few barbeques this weekend as well. We have also been invited to a Birthday party for a friends 13 year old. We will see.

Nothing has changed with Tonto; he's still into his tunnel!)

Ohhh So Sexy....

You know I have seen hundreds if not thousands of movies and photos with sexy men and this has to be the sexiest butt I have ever seen. This photo does not even do it justice; totally mesmerizing!)

I took a bunch of photos (not so many came out good on my iPhone) while my honey wasn't looking as he vacuumed these area rugs. I was feeling crappy on the couch last night as my honey vacuumed the living room, stairs, and all the rugs in the house, then he cleaned my kitchen, both bathrooms (& toilets) and then I got thrill and it made my bladder infection actually feel good for a little while. I got hot and bothered watching him do housework all around me. It was so cute!

He did serve his 4 years in the Army and when he cleans the house; he calls it a GI party. All the many things I treasure most about him!) We have one of those now twice a month. It could increase to once a week, but we will see. He's doing a fabulous job taking care of me!) I'm lucky even though sometimes it might seem like I'm not.

Notice: NO PLUMBER BUTT! I can only be so proud. It seems plumber butt is the new fashion statement that actually makes me feel so old. I'm that Old Lady that just can't get it; why is everyone wanting to show off their Plumber Butt? I can't get into plumber butt; not even for myself. I don't wish to punish anyone but them having to see my bony ass; or my fat ass as it got to be a few times; I even cover up my nephostomy bag most of the time.

UPDATE: My doctor did call me today with results of the culture from my urine test that I took on Monday. This particular bacteria strain is actually resistant to both Cipro and Septra. I got prescribed Macrobid which has been tested to be effective on this particular strain. I can't wait until it starts working. I have only taken 1 today and I also took a Septra this morning (4 pills total since Monday).

I am still having pain pee sessions (feeling like I have to pee, a little comes out and then youch!!!( What horrible pain and it makes me jump and scream every time. Tonto has not been digging this at all. I can tell he is worried about me and of course Miss Blue Belle. Can't wait for that medicine to start working! I am grateful that the pain isn't totally constant but for most of the day; I get that urge to pee and it burns!( I can be out walking around and then feel that urge to go pee and then nothing or a few drops come out. It's so painful! It's just a matter of time before those horrible bacteria is killed off and I can finally get some relief what I pee!)

I do have a little better control on the Projectile Organs lately. Still doing the Klonopin which is working pretty good for that painful crap to have to go through. Yes, it starts with having to go number 2 and then it gets more and more violent if I don't do something for pain right away. Maybe it's my intestinal system having an anxiety attack and that's why this is working for right now?

I did get a visit today from the nicest nurse (Ellen) and she had to release me today because I am now ready to be off home health. I can get around the house much better and can even drive myself places. From now on as far as the nephostomy bag is concerned; I will need to go to Interventional Radiology once a week for changing. This nurse was so full of heart, compassion, and just a wonderful person all around. Just another example of how I can appreciate wonderful nurses.

Now she has come over the last 3 times to change my dressing on my back of course Miss Blue Belle loves her and this time she thought Nurse Ellen had come over to see her instead of me. I had to tell Blue Belle to go sit on her rug until she was finished fixing me. As she was fixing me; I got to talking to her about my frustration with cleaning myself. It's almost like I'm not allowed to all because it forbidden for me to get my back wet. I could easily get a serious infection from those tubes.

The worst thing about this whole Nephostomy bag is not being able to shower. Right now I feel I just taking "HO" baths for that last few weeks and it's definitely not the same. I feel so dirty and disgusting sometimes. My honey always tells me that I'm not at all and still the sexy wonderful woman he married. No my bathing is not exactly like the Urban dictionary says it (that's pretty disgusting; but then again I haven't showered in weeks), but basically using a wet rag and going over it with soap and then a clean wet rag, then a dry off. I was able to sit in the bathtub (but not anymore since this infection = it's prohibited now). I want to shower so bad!

I can't get my back wet at all; and we will have to figure out a way to cover everything up. The nurse was so compassionate as I cried telling her of my frustrations of not being able to bath normally. She showed my honey and me how to change the catheter thingy on my nephostomy bag and just disconnecting it; cleaning and sterilization, then putting a dry wash cloth and wrapping it up with some plastic wrap, or one of those freezer bags cut just right to cover and taped. She was so full of wonderful ideas and even gave us her card if we needed any more help. She would do her best to help us; so incredibly accommodating to us. I guess she could see the love in our home. We will be trying some of those techniques tomorrow; I just have to be a dirtbag another night!(

I was able to wash my hair yesterday over the bathtub and can only do this about every 3 days. When my tummy was burning; it is very hard to do and sometimes my honey will help me if I ask him to.

At least I am not in the severe pain I was in yesterday. It's improved some for the time being. I'm still excited that I at least got aroused last night from a sexy man doing my housework!) Happy moments in life work for me; if it's just laughing, enjoying good conversation, or just sitting there relaxed and not feeling pain is good enough for me. I am still enjoying life and although much of this is scary; I still have HOPE in my heart that I'm going to get stronger and beat this disease!) Things will get better!)

Not another Bladder infection!

Here is my handsome sexy cowboy! He is posing as an Alpaca Farmer. He is doing everything he can to take care of me and he even surprised me with some sushi (steamed rice, miso soup, CA rolls) last night. I couldn't eat that much for most of the day because I wasn't feeling good for most of the day yesterday. (infection)

Just when I have been gaining some weight; almost making it to 120, I get another set back; a bladder infection. I awoke 2 mornings in a row; both around 4:15am to having to pee really bad and then while peeing, it burned like crazy coming out. The annoying thing was; hardly any came out? I would pee a little and almost jump off the toilet once it came out; it was so darned painful. I also needed to empty my now stinky nephostomy bag. Now it's really starting to stink and I tried washing it and it seems to work some but then after a few hours the stink returns.

Well back to this infection; I took my temperature and it was a low grade fever of 99.6 which kind of worried me. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I just can't do it. I'm afraid of having to get more bags and even getting a shit bag (colostomy). It always seems like more bad news and set backs.

A few minutes after trying to pee; my tummy started churning. I had been stressed over the food choices I had made and it seemed that I was getting constipated. Well then the diarrhea started soon after and it was mostly water and hardly any substance which meant to me that I have a block somewhere that is causing everything else to not come out. There must have been lots of acid coming out of my ass because that burned like crazy too! It just was not at all pleasant. Yes, I am entitled to my joint after that dog gone pain!

I was having horribly painful spasms which made my sore on my stomach start to burn and then there was another pain that I felt while the spasms were happening. To tell you exactly how those spasms feel; they starts at my bottom and then goes to my stomach area. It's almost like an involuntary muscle reaction; while I am having the severe spasm on my anus, I am also getting a stomach spasm and then the heart burn; which with that stomach spasm almost feels as I am having a heart attack too; but damn does it hurt!

I took some Ativan and Klonopin both times but not at the same time (different nights); just to break up my medication so that it would definitely work on my spasms. So far it's been very helpful for right now; I just suffer for a little while until it kicks in; then I sometimes will sleep till noon or 9am. The Ativan for more instant relief and then a few hours after it had worn off; I will usually take a Klonapin if I start to feel like my system will act up; I did not want this to start up again. Too incredibly painful; and enough so that I had to take a Percocet too. Wow! Heavy Duty! I'm hoping this is just me healing and I pray that I am.

Yesterday I had written my Doctor about this and he suggested that I come in for a urine test. I brought Miss Blue Belle along in her vest and then on to the park for a quick game of frisbee since it was such a gorgeous day. I was slow moving and thought perhaps a quick walk for exercise might help me in my recovery. It felt wonderful and we walked up to this really nice lady with her small Ausie named "Bonnie".

Bonnie walked right up to me with her ball and just placed it right at my feet. I couldn't reach down to throw it because my back was kind of aching from the infection. The nice lady walked up to me as we talked and our dogs got romp and play together. She was amazed at what I had gone through as I told her my favorite love story after my 1st surgery. I love that true story always and I love others reactions when they realize that yes true love actually exists. Marriage can actually mean "in sickness and in health". I don't want to say the "till death do us part" just yet; I'm just not ready and he isn't either. We want to be happy together for many years to come.

Well, this morning was pretty bad with my infection, but I have it under control with controlled substances (Prescribed to me by my doctors). I really need to smoke some cannabis so that I can finally stomach replenishing my much needed liquids. That's one cool thing I notice with this plant is that it doesn't hurt me to use with any of my medications.

All of my prescribed medications do not allow for me to drink any alcohol so I'm not drinking any alcohol what so ever and haven't done so in a little over 2-3 months?

Well back to how the cannabis will help me. I always seem to get this horrible taste in my mouth (from the pain medications, or antibiotics) which in turn makes nearly impossible for me to stomach drinking any water right now. I feel that if I drink any right now; I will vomit. Hence; cannabis. I can actually tell that I am getting dehydrated and that's the only way I know that will help me. I know I have lost a lot and I don't even have an appetite. I also lost some more weight and am back down to 114.5.

UPDATE: My doctor called and told me that yes indeed I am suffering from a heavy duty infection. He asked about the Cipro and I told him "can't do that one". It made me so sick and I need to gain some weight. I am back on the Septra which worked for my last bladder infection. He also asked if Radiology had called to schedule trying to remove the nephostomy bag and replacing it with a stint. He also told me that he was concerned about these infections and my suseptablity of getting more fistulas. This really scares me and I pray that I can at least live a normal life in time for next snowboard season. I pray the end is not soon for me; it really scares me. I still have hope but I still have fear.

Here is where my medicinal cannabis will help to save my life. It's scary to be going through this but at least I am able to do something about it with out having to worry about going to jail like in states like North Carolina or South Carolina where they have a 0 tolerance for this age old medicine. For some reason these states have tons of money to toss in the toilet to arrest patients or peaceful individuals utilizing their own body to relaxation. Yes, that's exactly how I look at it. They have no right and this plant is on our Planet for a Reason; god gave it to us. It seems these very states stand by racism and lies for making this powerful lifesaving medicine illegal. I hope one day many other patients in my situation are able to save their lives too. I already know now that if I don't do something; I could die and that's scary to me. Why not prove to be Pro-Life and help the already living?

I am very encouraged that in my state that this plant could soon be legalized, taxed, and regulated. If only they would open the gateway for Industrial Hemp which would create much more revenue and jobs for the state of California. This could soon change too. I got to read some good news about my Govenator:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/05/11/MNQI17GMBR.DTL

To me, this is good news. Well the truth about me is that I'm not entirely religious (I have to admit that I am confused in that area), but I am very spiritual. (it's probably from some of my Native American background - I am still considered a Caucasian mutt!) I have this belief that there is a God in nature (not in huge Churches) and that he created this medicine for a purpose.

As for legalization, I don't see any problems. Many people right now are unemployed and some are very stressed out.; just watch the local news and it's a total stress out! Cannabis has a way of relaxing those who are stressed and I don't see any problem with those who need it. I feel so strongly that this plant can curtail the family feuds and stresses over money and allow for them to enjoy quality family time with out violence. Sure, mixing with different drugs or food have varrying side effects , like alcohol. I don't feel it should be mixed with alcohol just as many medications are. You never hear of anyone committing violence after partaking in cannabis (if you do; another drug is often involved); I feel it is needed and it could help states with their budget shortfall; particularly in California.

Industrial Hemp has so many uses and could create countless jobs; it is not dangerous at all and in fact quite the opposite. It is the strongest material known to man. Can you imagine if we utilized hemp for more than just clothing?

As for me in surviving this horrible disease; this blog helps me and is excellent for me get out my feelings, fears, hopes, and dreams; I do hope that I inspire many and perhaps help others to appreciate what they do have in hopes that they too will listen to their bodies when something is wrong.

This blog is very open and honest; because simply; I don't have much to hide nor do I feel like hiding. I'm Alive so hear me Roar! I'm so proud to have survived so much and I will keep on surviving. I just enjoy living as much as possible even though lately it has been on the couch and in my own bed, short walks outside, and even small trips to the grocery store.

My honey and I are still trying to plan a few days get away on the beach somewhere close by with our girl. Tonto may have to stay with our neighbors for those few days. He won't mind as long as he is fed, loved and talked to. Here's to making it through many more obstacles in life!)

A Responsible Thing to do for all of us...

I'm very proud of myself for doing one thing while at home. Actually it was 2 very important things. I created my "Last Will & Testament" and a "Power of Attorney". I didn't have to drive to see a very expensive lawyer, instead I got it done all online. I also saved quite a bit of money and it really did have to be done. I had literally been putting this off for years.

It was much more convenient and easier to do than I thought it would be. I don't know why but I always figured these things have to be complicated; but it really wasn't at all. All I have to do now is to get it notarized, have 2 witnesses sign and I'm done!)

I have been very lucky and blessed at the same time to have gone through what I have with a very strong Will to live. I hate hearing on the news about unlucky individuals who actually prove that sometimes it could possibly be out of our hands should a life be lost. I'm talking about victims in accidents or acts of violence. A life can be lost because of a selfish, hateful person who decides to take someone else's life or it could even be an accident, or even natural or health related; the responsible thing to do for your family and loved ones is to already have a Will or a Power of Attorney in place; this way loved ones don't have to suffer in the case that their own state decides to take over and claim everything that belongs to a family or just hold on to it for years and years while it has to get tied up in courts.

I don't know if this actually happens but the government has been extremely untrustworthy these past couple of years. Either way, I'm covered legally and now I don't have to worry about my honey getting screwed over by my own state government should something happen to me. (see I'm not totally convinced that I will die of Cancer) but it doesn't hurt to be prepared.

MY HEALTH UPDATE:

These past couple of days were a little easier but I still have had severe diarrhea and heartburn each and every day. I even started getting very painful spasms in my bottom that my honey had enough of me crying that I had to take a dreaded painkiller which did help lots.

I have even gained a few pounds and I hope to keep them on. The eating is getting a little easier by the day but overall the diarrhea accompanied with some really painful spasms is the worst of it right now. How unpleasant it is to have those sorts of pain!(.

Don't get me wrong, it's still wonderful to be alive and things could be much worse. I can at least be very thankful to be at home with my honey my pets, and that I can go outside on a walk and sometimes even drive to the store. At least these painkillers are working for this right now. I can't just sit there and suffer in pain and my honey is right about that. I was too busy being stubborn and just dealing with the pain by screaming and crying and then trying breathing exercises which did little to nothing besides annoy my honey. He had enough of that!

Well here was a wonderful laugh I got to have last night. While I was sitting on the couch in pain from going to the bathroom so many dozens of times when Tonto had enough and he cried for me to pick him up. He then slept in my arms for a little while and then when I put him down he just stretched out and napped while I watched movies. He was even snoring which really cracked me up until he woke up briefly, gave me a dirty look and then continued to nap out. Notice those big black toes!

I also found out a date in which to go back to work which should give me plenty of time to heal and to put some weight on my bony ass!) We are settling on the date of June 23rd. Mostly because of the kidney issue and the nephostomy bag and getting that removed. I don't know how long I will need to make sure that my bowels and kidneys are healed but I feel that 2 weeks should be long enough to heal. We will see. Also, I don't have any clothes my size currently and I refuse to buy any because I know they will be too small next week or the week after; so what's the point?

We had a nurse come by to change my dressing on my nephostomy tubes today and she found that the reason my heartburn has been so god awful is because I had been getting something for that in my feeding bag and also in the IV in the hospital. Now I am receiving nothing and the stomach acids have building up and causing severe pain. She called my doctor right away and he immediately prescribed Pantoprazole. My honey went and picked it up for me right away. Let's hope this works!)

I do notice that when I go out to the grocery store, instead of men looking at my boobs;(sometimes it happens and I just ignore = no big deal!) well now they are looking directly down at my nephostomy bag which most of the time is covered nicely with a scarf. I bet it's really sexy and perhaps it's also quite stylish I suppose. Maybe they have pee fetishes? Just kidding; but I don't really know what others think of it or feel when they see it; I hope that they see in it that I am a survivor of some sort and they should be incredibly grateful that their kidneys or body parts work. I had taken Miss Blue Belle to the doggie park and noticed a few people looking at it and I had it covered beautifully with a scarf that matched. Now I am going to have scarves that match Blue Belle too!

I don't mind at all wearing the annoying thing in public if it does this to others. I sport it around proudly and even decorate it so that it matches what I happen to be wearing that day. Blue Belle will get to wear matching scarves. I think my brother knows how to make them and he's visiting next month!

Even if this stupid nephostomy bag is still in place when I do return to work; I won't be embarrassed at all. My loving co-workers wouldn't even care or notice - instead, they notice my spirit most of all. I just hope and pray that I get to ride my new roller blades, bike, to swim, and most of all snowboard this coming winter season! For now it's walking with my dog, cat, and hubby!)