Spontaneous, unpredicatable health...

Each day I wake up becomes more and more of a blessing to me no matter how much pain I feel or even how shitty I might feel; some days are just excellent like that!.  My poor pets I'm sure are thinking the very same thing as they have been very worried about me.  They both compete in order to sit near me and watch over me.  I'm even thankful to have the bad days because they seem to be much better than having no days to be with my honey.  I'm petrified of leaving my honey in more ways than one.

I had an awesome day yesterday (I had way more energy than I did just the day before and I was very thankful to have had that kind of energy; it doesn't come along often enough!), even the day before (Monday) where I was able to get things done around the house (granted I was smoking some good Santa Cruz weed); but it helped immensely with the amount of pain that I was feeling and having to deal with; hell it even gave me the  energy that I didn't have just the day before.   I can't take that kind of pain relief for granted if it works that good!)

Well here is Tonto sporting his Wisconsin Badger's Team spirit for my honey and his friends.  The Badgers were getting beat so bad we needed to switch something up!  They must have scrored a few points because of this wonderful little mascot!)

To get back to my health problems; I was functional enough even today to finish up some  laundry, dishes, sweep and mop floor, some light vacuuming, and so much more.   I'm happy if I can just do one thing in one day but to do multiple is a miracle and a total blessing!)   Just the day before I could barely do anything useful.    I love being able to be a help around the house and when my pain erupts;  it totally sucks when I can barely do anything and I can't help but feel like a little worthless shit.  I'm not one to thoroughly enjoy the help of others in cleaning my house, why do I feel guilty when others want to help me?   I'm so independent that perhaps my reasoning is that they are out visiting me and should be treated as the welcome visitors inside my home.  That guilty feeling is not a good feeling to have and I really do need to over of it and accept all the love and blessings that comes to me!)

Tomorrow my dad is visiting and then on Saturday; my younger brother will be here to visit.  I can't wait!  I miss them both so dearly and it might be the last time that I will  every get to see my younger brother and him me; my dad has already made promises to come visit me as often as he can but my brother has been saving up to see me for a while.  Oh how I miss my brother and I can't believe he is going to be here.   It makes me happy that my brother loves my husband as another sibling or part of the family; he is grateful to have this wonderful man watching his beloved sis's back.   I couldn't imagine being in his shoes; a whole country away as I'm dying.  It sucks to have to actually say that; but it is the truth; maybe I will and maybe I won't beat this beast.  I'm still fighting to live everyday even though I have to take so many debilitating drugs; so its not just the weed; actually the weed is much safer; but I do have to take pain medication for being eaten alive, bones breaking, and crazy shit growing off me.

I am hoping that I feel good enough for all four of us to go see "True Grit"; I have been told by many that it is a "Brilliant Masterpiece"; well it can't be any worse than a psychotic dancer who self mutilates her fingernails and weird shit coming out of her back.  I wonder if I'm going to grow feathers on my back?  My back does itch like crazy but I have yet to see if I have hairy back?  Still smooth as a baby back there but I might have a pterodactyl wing instead that growing like an angel wing?

I am very thankful for my blog because my hospice nurse was able to get online and read it and  then she called me immediately in order to work out the pain plan.  No I would not be suffering in any kind of pain if she could help it and that to me is a wonderful hospice nurse; the best I could ever ask for!)  We basically increased my Dilaudid and Methadone and she did everything she could to get in touch with my pain doctor in order to get my pain pump turned up.  Wow! That has totally made a difference!)  So I have another hero in my life; my Hospice nurse!) .  So no longer just a lifesaver for others but also a lifesaver for me!)

The pain medications that they have me on are so very strong,;they are very, very powerful pain drugs and while they do work they can also cause me to sleep hard and not wake up (if I take too much); won't be doing that!)   It did finally kick in and I'm feeling lots better these last couple of days.  I'm still puking like crazy.  We are now anxiously  awaiting my dad's arrival in a cab from San Jose Airport.  Miss Blue Belle is suspecting something and she knows something is going on.  She knows the word Grandpa and has been getting excited; waiting at the door at times; it's just very precious.    My apologies for such a short post but just wanted to let you all know I'm still fighting hard to stay alive and my will to live is just as strong as the love in my heart which keeps me going.

Peace and Love to all of you!  Plus I would love to thank all of you for kind and very sweet comments and emails!  I can't thank you all enough! from the very bottom of my heart!)
I love you all!  My this world work in Peace and Harmony as we work hard to rid the world of evil greed!)  Here's to that greed disintegrating and a cure for cancer being found?  Lives meaning more than money!  Imagine that? 

An All Too Familiar Pain- Abdominal Blockage....

Well finally; here is that beautiful bike I wanna keep on riding!  I'm glad I was able to ride and will continue too as soon as this crap is over with.

It was such a long night last night as I anticipated another CT scan to see how much more my cancer has grown.  Well I was also having some horrible, horrible abdominal pain; OMG did it hurt! Youch! Well I got my ass up and I grabbed my syringy thing (the huge one) from the kitchen and pumped some luke warm water into my tummy and then I hooked the gastric bag to the awkward tube hanging out of the hole in my stomach and drained; it pretty damned nasty if you want my opinion, but works to relieve gastric pressure.  I think the tumor must be pushing on my stomach because Prilosec is like taking sugar pills.  I have no idea why I even take the worthless shit every day; it's doing absolutely nothing.  Well the draining  worked some but I did have to take some dilaudid since the pain was atrocious enough.

My oncologist has made it clear he will never operate on me again (7 + countless minor surgeries on pretty much a dead cause; that's how I see it; how can I be dead when I feel so alive?  Well it's not really like that; he has a genuine love for both my husband and I who he has seen fight this so hard together; I don't know if he has ever seen a love as strong as ours and I still want to keep living   despite the pains that I feel daily.  I want to go back to work; but I don't know if I will ever feel 100%, I might get to 70% if I am lucky.    I am more than likely about  60% with all that is going on with me.

My oncologist just doesn't want to risk my life performing another surgery  on me;  I think he's burnt on opening me up; I'm hard one to operate on because everything has been taken out, scraped of cancer, stapled and sewn; and maybe my intestines are like mush now?  I've been cut open way too many times (my neurologist has been cut open 13 times) but hey I survived the pain pump surgery and that was pretty major; I will argue for another surgery to remove this tumor if possible.   Maybe another oncologist in SF can do so?  We will do what we think is best; the doctors certainly don't know how strong my will to live is.   I would rather have that SOB tumor taken out than zapped with radiation, but we will see.   Radiating the little bitch might be good too?  I'm pretty tough and resilient when it comes to recovering, although that process is pretty tiring.  I so hate being in the hospital for weeks after one of those surgeries (major abdominal surgery).
                                                                  

This stupid tumor that is growing on my left side; seems to be growing at rapid pace and we haven't done any chemo since Nov. so that cancer is free to roam my body at this point.  I'm basically just living with this cancer and enjoying every moment I can with my sweet husband since he is why I keep living.  If you can't beat, then just live with it?  He always encourages me, loves me, compliments me, and most of all takes such wonderful care of me!  I keep hearing nurses say that every  patient and even nurse needs a Jimmy and that certainly is the truth.  I feel that our love story is even better than the movie "the notebook".  I think it kicks the Notebook's ass!  I do love that movie and its so romantic.   I don't know what I would do without him; he is the most amazing man ever to me and I can't bear to even think of being with anyone else.  Sure I have some very, very close male friends, who to me are like family, just brothers and I love them so much! Seany, Norm, the Daves/ David,  Tims, Mike, and so many more;  ohhh and I have lots and lots of women who I love too; I feel so lucky to have so many awesome people in my life that genuinely love me; I just wish I could get out more and do all the things I love to do; I sure missed out on one awesome snowboard season; I hope I'm strong enough for next season!
 

Well I had to put a photo of my sweet little girl about to get her bath (that was taken on Saturday).  I am sad to report that I'm back down to 112 and I can't eat anything because of this abdominal block; it has to work it's way out even if I do get back down to 100lbs.  I just need to stay above 100lbs.  It scares me to get down below even 110, but at least I'm there just yet.  I'm almost afraid to drink water but I can relieve myself of some pressure with my gastric tube (oh how I wished that mine was that small and easy to take care of); the weird thing about this tube is that it's kind of like a belly piercing only it not on my belly button; it's just a gaping hole with a long tube sticking out. It goes directly to my stomach.  I can't seem to find the photo I took when my honey had changed the dressing?; I look pretty chubs (its the tumor on the left and the hockey puck pain pain pump on the right), but believe me I am not at all chubby; only if you count those things; they might add some poundage) he does it better than any nurse.  He also has to hydrate me each and every day with those stupid lactated ringers.   What a wonderful husband to be thankful for each and every day.

Well Monday we had our sweet nurse (we really do love her= she is the best!) stop by as usual. I can sit there and tell her anything and also cry as much as I want; its good for me to be able to do that.  She came by and changed my dressing, checked everything to make sure I was ok and while doing so she told me of how her father just died 2 weeks ago; he was so wonderful to his mom; they had been married over 50 years; every morning he was up early; he made coffee and breakfast for his wife and always brought in the paper; well his wife woke up around 7am and didn't hear him at all stirring; he had even mowed the lawn the day before and they had a very active life; well she goes downstairs and immediately notices that the paper hadn't been brought in; that was strange and then she saw the back of his head and he slept silently in his favorite chair; (I didn't have any photos of him sleeping in his favorite chair so I had to use a photo of Tonto sleeping peacefully in his favorite chair)  it seemed he has passed away in his sleep.

At least he was happy and I worry sometimes about that happening to my honey or myself.  We always tell each other "I love you" and we look each other in the eye and then passionately kiss before we go to bed or even just leaving each other like him going to work or out with his buds.  You just never know what each moment brings; we got her a card and a beautiful orchid because we know how much she misses her dad; it's hard to loose a parent and I'm blessed to still have mine around.  I don't have any grandparents except for my step grandmother who has a personality of her own; from what I hear, she's pretty bitter when she isn't the center of attention.  I hope one day she will realize how lucky she is to have lived so long and all the things others do for her and no thank yous?  It's just expected?  I could never be that way; I appreciate everything that anyone does for me.  I'm still very, very touched by all the love shown to by my co-workers at my job.  I will never forget all of  kindness everyone there has shown me.  I keep all their cards; all the way back from 2002.  If I am feeling sad, I can just pull out the box in my closet and just read those cards and I often feel better; Its just a great reminder.   My favorite gift of all is music; its so good for your soul and if it has some groove to it I can't help but boogie my little ass off!)  anyway, I gotta get ready for my CT scan and will provide some vivid details later.  Peace and Love to all of you!  May you all get along with everyone you come in contact with!)