Spontaneous, unpredicatable health...

Each day I wake up becomes more and more of a blessing to me no matter how much pain I feel or even how shitty I might feel; some days are just excellent like that!.  My poor pets I'm sure are thinking the very same thing as they have been very worried about me.  They both compete in order to sit near me and watch over me.  I'm even thankful to have the bad days because they seem to be much better than having no days to be with my honey.  I'm petrified of leaving my honey in more ways than one.

I had an awesome day yesterday (I had way more energy than I did just the day before and I was very thankful to have had that kind of energy; it doesn't come along often enough!), even the day before (Monday) where I was able to get things done around the house (granted I was smoking some good Santa Cruz weed); but it helped immensely with the amount of pain that I was feeling and having to deal with; hell it even gave me the  energy that I didn't have just the day before.   I can't take that kind of pain relief for granted if it works that good!)

Well here is Tonto sporting his Wisconsin Badger's Team spirit for my honey and his friends.  The Badgers were getting beat so bad we needed to switch something up!  They must have scrored a few points because of this wonderful little mascot!)

To get back to my health problems; I was functional enough even today to finish up some  laundry, dishes, sweep and mop floor, some light vacuuming, and so much more.   I'm happy if I can just do one thing in one day but to do multiple is a miracle and a total blessing!)   Just the day before I could barely do anything useful.    I love being able to be a help around the house and when my pain erupts;  it totally sucks when I can barely do anything and I can't help but feel like a little worthless shit.  I'm not one to thoroughly enjoy the help of others in cleaning my house, why do I feel guilty when others want to help me?   I'm so independent that perhaps my reasoning is that they are out visiting me and should be treated as the welcome visitors inside my home.  That guilty feeling is not a good feeling to have and I really do need to over of it and accept all the love and blessings that comes to me!)

Tomorrow my dad is visiting and then on Saturday; my younger brother will be here to visit.  I can't wait!  I miss them both so dearly and it might be the last time that I will  every get to see my younger brother and him me; my dad has already made promises to come visit me as often as he can but my brother has been saving up to see me for a while.  Oh how I miss my brother and I can't believe he is going to be here.   It makes me happy that my brother loves my husband as another sibling or part of the family; he is grateful to have this wonderful man watching his beloved sis's back.   I couldn't imagine being in his shoes; a whole country away as I'm dying.  It sucks to have to actually say that; but it is the truth; maybe I will and maybe I won't beat this beast.  I'm still fighting to live everyday even though I have to take so many debilitating drugs; so its not just the weed; actually the weed is much safer; but I do have to take pain medication for being eaten alive, bones breaking, and crazy shit growing off me.

I am hoping that I feel good enough for all four of us to go see "True Grit"; I have been told by many that it is a "Brilliant Masterpiece"; well it can't be any worse than a psychotic dancer who self mutilates her fingernails and weird shit coming out of her back.  I wonder if I'm going to grow feathers on my back?  My back does itch like crazy but I have yet to see if I have hairy back?  Still smooth as a baby back there but I might have a pterodactyl wing instead that growing like an angel wing?

I am very thankful for my blog because my hospice nurse was able to get online and read it and  then she called me immediately in order to work out the pain plan.  No I would not be suffering in any kind of pain if she could help it and that to me is a wonderful hospice nurse; the best I could ever ask for!)  We basically increased my Dilaudid and Methadone and she did everything she could to get in touch with my pain doctor in order to get my pain pump turned up.  Wow! That has totally made a difference!)  So I have another hero in my life; my Hospice nurse!) .  So no longer just a lifesaver for others but also a lifesaver for me!)

The pain medications that they have me on are so very strong,;they are very, very powerful pain drugs and while they do work they can also cause me to sleep hard and not wake up (if I take too much); won't be doing that!)   It did finally kick in and I'm feeling lots better these last couple of days.  I'm still puking like crazy.  We are now anxiously  awaiting my dad's arrival in a cab from San Jose Airport.  Miss Blue Belle is suspecting something and she knows something is going on.  She knows the word Grandpa and has been getting excited; waiting at the door at times; it's just very precious.    My apologies for such a short post but just wanted to let you all know I'm still fighting hard to stay alive and my will to live is just as strong as the love in my heart which keeps me going.

Peace and Love to all of you!  Plus I would love to thank all of you for kind and very sweet comments and emails!  I can't thank you all enough! from the very bottom of my heart!)
I love you all!  My this world work in Peace and Harmony as we work hard to rid the world of evil greed!)  Here's to that greed disintegrating and a cure for cancer being found?  Lives meaning more than money!  Imagine that? 

How is hospice helping me so far?

Ovarian cancer is such a dreadful disease that sadly I'm still fighting, kicking, and screaming to fight and oh how I wish so much that  I could beat it!  That would totally rock!   It sure does change one's perspective on life and to realize what's really most important in my life right now.  You sure as hell don't sweat the small things anymore and you really do have to laugh a whole lot more.   I know; how does one laugh when one is going through such a tragic time of life? Oh believe me I can find many reasons to!  It's not really all that tragic;  I of course have my sweetie pie honey by my side no matter what; and he is there with me being the best husband and caregiver he can be.   As another caregiver has said; he is in for the long haul and all to familiar with the TPN rituals!

My ultimate goal in this battle for my life right now is to get as many good quality days  in as possible with my sweetie. I'm so happy that he is able to work from home as this so called "deterioration phase" begins. Physically I'm still doing OK in that I can still walk around; getting a few things done around my home like laundry, cleaning, and of course cooking a great meal (every once in a while) for my sweetie.   I also get to take my pets outside sometimes for walks; Tonto loves to go on walks and often cries by the door for me to take him outside!  He doesn't understand that he can't go out all the time because sometimes the neighbors are out walking their dogs who in turn are not too crazy about seeing a tailless cat on a leash.  The feral cats are not too crazy about him either. and he's not at all crazy about them; but they both make me smile and laugh at least many times each day!  Pets are so important.

Today on my little walk with Blue Belle, she has been chasing squirrels like crazy.  She kind of herded this little squirrel and cornered it and I couldn't really do much as this was happening and then all of a sudden the little shit ran up my leg a little ways and I squealed bloody murder and then it jumped off me and then Blue Belle started chasing it again and it started to run at me again and I squealed again as it turned and jumped up a tree; thank GOD!  I can actually laugh my ass off about it now but it was pretty scary.  They kind of remind me of rats and its terrifying to think of getting bit by one or even scratched.  I'm so glad I had on my long pants and not a dress!

OK back to me.   I'm still happy as can be if I can just get any of the above done or just being able to get outside and enjoying some beautiful sunshine! All the great things I know I will miss when this great journey is over.

My dad has been here for the last couple of days and will be leaving tomorrow but he will be returning soon in couple of weeks.  It's so great to have family visiting and  to be helping out around the home.   It is amazing!  Oh and we will be watching the World Series tonight!  I'm super duper happy that our Giants are finally  in the World Series; hell they haven't won one since they were in New York.  OK enough about the sports!

I have also been fortunate enough to have  had quite a few visitors from my job which has been more than wonderful.  God I sure miss them; I have to hold back tears when they leave because I miss them so terribly; coming into work and being around such great people.   Oh how I have been blessed to know each and every one of them! Oh how I love good people!)

So now; how is hospice care helping me so far? Well so far I do have a great nurse, although I still miss my old nurse and wished so much I could have kept her. I had such a horrible time  adjusting last weekend and part of this week trying to control back and obvious abdominal pains (those include hunger pains and surgical pains= I'm not even sure I'm sewn up right inside there?). We finally got the pain under control for once but the hard part about it all is keeping it under control.   I can loose control of that pain so easily; so that's where having my honey around helps me greatly.  

What we are trying out right now in addition to my pain pump is Methadone (2ml per day= 1ml morning, 1 ml at night), then I have this wonderful cream that I can rub into my skin that has a combination of Benadryl, Ativan, and something else? for the nausea but it hasn't helped much for the insomnia so tonight I get to take a regular Ativan (crush it up and  mix with 1ml water) to take under my tongue.  (can't take pills very well).  I also will be cutting down to 10 hours on the TPN to see if the nausea will let down some; that's also another sign that my body isn't taking to well to food. 

My new nurse calls me daily to find out how I am doing and I'm very thankful for that.  It seems each day is a new thing to conquer whether it be pain, nausea, or insomnia.  What is very helpful is that they are trying to get this down to a science in "End Stage Ovarian Cancer", she gets to talk about my case (my problems) with lots of other hospice nurses who in turn offer up genius solutions to help me combat my daily problems.  If she doesn't have the solution; she will get it and I'm very grateful for that.

GO GIANTS!

Peace and Love to all of you!