Spontaneous, unpredicatable health...

Each day I wake up becomes more and more of a blessing to me no matter how much pain I feel or even how shitty I might feel; some days are just excellent like that!.  My poor pets I'm sure are thinking the very same thing as they have been very worried about me.  They both compete in order to sit near me and watch over me.  I'm even thankful to have the bad days because they seem to be much better than having no days to be with my honey.  I'm petrified of leaving my honey in more ways than one.

I had an awesome day yesterday (I had way more energy than I did just the day before and I was very thankful to have had that kind of energy; it doesn't come along often enough!), even the day before (Monday) where I was able to get things done around the house (granted I was smoking some good Santa Cruz weed); but it helped immensely with the amount of pain that I was feeling and having to deal with; hell it even gave me the  energy that I didn't have just the day before.   I can't take that kind of pain relief for granted if it works that good!)

Well here is Tonto sporting his Wisconsin Badger's Team spirit for my honey and his friends.  The Badgers were getting beat so bad we needed to switch something up!  They must have scrored a few points because of this wonderful little mascot!)

To get back to my health problems; I was functional enough even today to finish up some  laundry, dishes, sweep and mop floor, some light vacuuming, and so much more.   I'm happy if I can just do one thing in one day but to do multiple is a miracle and a total blessing!)   Just the day before I could barely do anything useful.    I love being able to be a help around the house and when my pain erupts;  it totally sucks when I can barely do anything and I can't help but feel like a little worthless shit.  I'm not one to thoroughly enjoy the help of others in cleaning my house, why do I feel guilty when others want to help me?   I'm so independent that perhaps my reasoning is that they are out visiting me and should be treated as the welcome visitors inside my home.  That guilty feeling is not a good feeling to have and I really do need to over of it and accept all the love and blessings that comes to me!)

Tomorrow my dad is visiting and then on Saturday; my younger brother will be here to visit.  I can't wait!  I miss them both so dearly and it might be the last time that I will  every get to see my younger brother and him me; my dad has already made promises to come visit me as often as he can but my brother has been saving up to see me for a while.  Oh how I miss my brother and I can't believe he is going to be here.   It makes me happy that my brother loves my husband as another sibling or part of the family; he is grateful to have this wonderful man watching his beloved sis's back.   I couldn't imagine being in his shoes; a whole country away as I'm dying.  It sucks to have to actually say that; but it is the truth; maybe I will and maybe I won't beat this beast.  I'm still fighting to live everyday even though I have to take so many debilitating drugs; so its not just the weed; actually the weed is much safer; but I do have to take pain medication for being eaten alive, bones breaking, and crazy shit growing off me.

I am hoping that I feel good enough for all four of us to go see "True Grit"; I have been told by many that it is a "Brilliant Masterpiece"; well it can't be any worse than a psychotic dancer who self mutilates her fingernails and weird shit coming out of her back.  I wonder if I'm going to grow feathers on my back?  My back does itch like crazy but I have yet to see if I have hairy back?  Still smooth as a baby back there but I might have a pterodactyl wing instead that growing like an angel wing?

I am very thankful for my blog because my hospice nurse was able to get online and read it and  then she called me immediately in order to work out the pain plan.  No I would not be suffering in any kind of pain if she could help it and that to me is a wonderful hospice nurse; the best I could ever ask for!)  We basically increased my Dilaudid and Methadone and she did everything she could to get in touch with my pain doctor in order to get my pain pump turned up.  Wow! That has totally made a difference!)  So I have another hero in my life; my Hospice nurse!) .  So no longer just a lifesaver for others but also a lifesaver for me!)

The pain medications that they have me on are so very strong,;they are very, very powerful pain drugs and while they do work they can also cause me to sleep hard and not wake up (if I take too much); won't be doing that!)   It did finally kick in and I'm feeling lots better these last couple of days.  I'm still puking like crazy.  We are now anxiously  awaiting my dad's arrival in a cab from San Jose Airport.  Miss Blue Belle is suspecting something and she knows something is going on.  She knows the word Grandpa and has been getting excited; waiting at the door at times; it's just very precious.    My apologies for such a short post but just wanted to let you all know I'm still fighting hard to stay alive and my will to live is just as strong as the love in my heart which keeps me going.

Peace and Love to all of you!  Plus I would love to thank all of you for kind and very sweet comments and emails!  I can't thank you all enough! from the very bottom of my heart!)
I love you all!  My this world work in Peace and Harmony as we work hard to rid the world of evil greed!)  Here's to that greed disintegrating and a cure for cancer being found?  Lives meaning more than money!  Imagine that?