WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Spontaneous, unpredicatable health...

Each day I wake up becomes more and more of a blessing to me no matter how much pain I feel or even how shitty I might feel; some days are just excellent like that!.  My poor pets I'm sure are thinking the very same thing as they have been very worried about me.  They both compete in order to sit near me and watch over me.  I'm even thankful to have the bad days because they seem to be much better than having no days to be with my honey.  I'm petrified of leaving my honey in more ways than one.

I had an awesome day yesterday (I had way more energy than I did just the day before and I was very thankful to have had that kind of energy; it doesn't come along often enough!), even the day before (Monday) where I was able to get things done around the house (granted I was smoking some good Santa Cruz weed); but it helped immensely with the amount of pain that I was feeling and having to deal with; hell it even gave me the  energy that I didn't have just the day before.   I can't take that kind of pain relief for granted if it works that good!)

Well here is Tonto sporting his Wisconsin Badger's Team spirit for my honey and his friends.  The Badgers were getting beat so bad we needed to switch something up!  They must have scrored a few points because of this wonderful little mascot!)

To get back to my health problems; I was functional enough even today to finish up some  laundry, dishes, sweep and mop floor, some light vacuuming, and so much more.   I'm happy if I can just do one thing in one day but to do multiple is a miracle and a total blessing!)   Just the day before I could barely do anything useful.    I love being able to be a help around the house and when my pain erupts;  it totally sucks when I can barely do anything and I can't help but feel like a little worthless shit.  I'm not one to thoroughly enjoy the help of others in cleaning my house, why do I feel guilty when others want to help me?   I'm so independent that perhaps my reasoning is that they are out visiting me and should be treated as the welcome visitors inside my home.  That guilty feeling is not a good feeling to have and I really do need to over of it and accept all the love and blessings that comes to me!)

Tomorrow my dad is visiting and then on Saturday; my younger brother will be here to visit.  I can't wait!  I miss them both so dearly and it might be the last time that I will  every get to see my younger brother and him me; my dad has already made promises to come visit me as often as he can but my brother has been saving up to see me for a while.  Oh how I miss my brother and I can't believe he is going to be here.   It makes me happy that my brother loves my husband as another sibling or part of the family; he is grateful to have this wonderful man watching his beloved sis's back.   I couldn't imagine being in his shoes; a whole country away as I'm dying.  It sucks to have to actually say that; but it is the truth; maybe I will and maybe I won't beat this beast.  I'm still fighting to live everyday even though I have to take so many debilitating drugs; so its not just the weed; actually the weed is much safer; but I do have to take pain medication for being eaten alive, bones breaking, and crazy shit growing off me.

I am hoping that I feel good enough for all four of us to go see "True Grit"; I have been told by many that it is a "Brilliant Masterpiece"; well it can't be any worse than a psychotic dancer who self mutilates her fingernails and weird shit coming out of her back.  I wonder if I'm going to grow feathers on my back?  My back does itch like crazy but I have yet to see if I have hairy back?  Still smooth as a baby back there but I might have a pterodactyl wing instead that growing like an angel wing?

I am very thankful for my blog because my hospice nurse was able to get online and read it and  then she called me immediately in order to work out the pain plan.  No I would not be suffering in any kind of pain if she could help it and that to me is a wonderful hospice nurse; the best I could ever ask for!)  We basically increased my Dilaudid and Methadone and she did everything she could to get in touch with my pain doctor in order to get my pain pump turned up.  Wow! That has totally made a difference!)  So I have another hero in my life; my Hospice nurse!) .  So no longer just a lifesaver for others but also a lifesaver for me!)

The pain medications that they have me on are so very strong,;they are very, very powerful pain drugs and while they do work they can also cause me to sleep hard and not wake up (if I take too much); won't be doing that!)   It did finally kick in and I'm feeling lots better these last couple of days.  I'm still puking like crazy.  We are now anxiously  awaiting my dad's arrival in a cab from San Jose Airport.  Miss Blue Belle is suspecting something and she knows something is going on.  She knows the word Grandpa and has been getting excited; waiting at the door at times; it's just very precious.    My apologies for such a short post but just wanted to let you all know I'm still fighting hard to stay alive and my will to live is just as strong as the love in my heart which keeps me going.

Peace and Love to all of you!  Plus I would love to thank all of you for kind and very sweet comments and emails!  I can't thank you all enough! from the very bottom of my heart!)
I love you all!  My this world work in Peace and Harmony as we work hard to rid the world of evil greed!)  Here's to that greed disintegrating and a cure for cancer being found?  Lives meaning more than money!  Imagine that? 

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Mischa said...

Have a great visit with your dad and brother! And hurray on your nurse getting your pain meds increased. I'm so happy to hear you are more comfortable! Keep fighting, girl. We love you!

Janell said...

I hope your visit with dad brings you tons of joy and happiness.

BJ said...

My heart just aches for you and what you have had to endure this past year. I believe your furry kids know when you are in pain and want to comfort you. I'm glad your nurse is on top of managing your pain and I'm also grateful that you have your herbal pain relief too. Thanks once again for taking the time to post, I get worried about you when you don't. You're my hero. Here's to you enjoying many, many, many more sunrises!

Love you!

coffeemaiden said...

I, too, worry when you go a few days without posting. I'm very happy to hear you are feeling better and hope it lasts thru your father's & brother's stay with you. As for your furkids, they know better than anyone when you need their care, and they don't hesitate to give it.
Praying that you can enjoy your family's visit. I'll be lurking for updates, precious Jayne. You are in my heart and prayers.

Denise said...

Smiling with joy that you are having a great day and get time with dad. YAY...and good for you that the nurse read the blog.


MFA Mama said...

How brilliant and brave of you to show the nurse your blog, and how wonderful that her professional eye saw room for improvement and got you the pain management you need to make you time left (whatever the quantity) good in QUALITY.

Re: your extra burst of energy, maybe it's just that pain like you were suffering with is very tiring, y'know? Your body might have all this "extra" energy it was used to having tied up tensing up from the pain.

I'm glad you've been able to get a few things DONE around the house because that always is satisfying and especially if you don't get out much :)

Every time I see your blog's name in Reader I smile. "Peace and love."

Denise said...

How are you doing, thinking of you. Denise

Ellen said...

Hey Janie...miss you but think of you all the time. I still have a bad cough so didn't think I should stop by...started antibiotics on friday so hopefully I will be well enough to spend a little time with you in a few days:) You are so brave! I hope you had a lovely visit with your dad and your brother, I know you were looking forward to that.

Love you girl,


mishall magarzo said...

My doctor said that my eyes can be affected too by my asthma?

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
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