The Scary New Year....

My sincere apologies for the language I'm going to get off my back (tumors) and spew but it's totally necessary.  I've been hurting quite a bit these last couple of days.  Yes, these last couple of days have been trying to say the very least; I have been having the most horrible cancer pains in my back, abdomen, and then these horrific pain spasms in my asshole!)  Why  do I have to have cancer in my precious asshole?  It's just not fair.  I'm not an asshole to anybody; I don't think I am? What's up with that?  Is that any dignified way to die?  Why do I have to have shitty, crappy things go on with my body?  Don't get me wrong, I'm still smiling and laughing at some of these predicaments I get myself into; but sometimes enough is enough, although the pain is nothing at all to laugh at.   I have not had a poop in over 2 weeks now and its kinda sorta scaring me and I've dropped more weight? I am now weighing in a 91.5lbs which is a bit more scarier than before.    I am so weak that I can barely make it up the stairs now and am sleeping a lot more; it seems I'm always sleeping.   That's why I have barely gotten online to check on all of you!) 

Well the two of us did have a fabulous  little Christmas together and I was so  thankful to have been able to cook us an excellent little Christmas meal for both of us on Sunday.  I had  just a few bites of Cornish game hens,  (there is no way I could have cooked an entire turkey!) excellent dressing, (I accidentally got Turnips instead of my honey's  favored Rutabagas; they still turned out excellent!); The whole mashed potato mixture contained boiled Turnips, Cauliflower, and baby multicolored potatoes, and of course Turkey gravy and canned cranberry sauce to compliment our wonderful meal together!).  I wasn't able to hold everything in or gain all the weight that I had hoped and prayed to gain!)   Blue Belle even gained weight from the medication the vet had prescribed to her.  She gained a whole pound in 1 week while I lost about 10lbs.   How does that  happen?  I saved one of the game hens so that I could more easily give her those pills that I would never want to force down her throat.  Instead she wolfed down a small piece of chicken containing her medicine each day this week.  We still have a few more pills that she's working on finishing; but we have not caused her any stress in giving her medication.  The only stress she has felt is having a damn thermometer shoved up her ass!  I do fondly remember how much she hates one of those cold things shoved up her ass!)  It's so unpleasant to her but my honey said she did better the second time around.   He ear puffed up again the day we brought her back to the vet (for the check up and now she has another appointment on the 4th (maybe for surgery?), we don't know yet.  Either way her broken ear will somehow get fixed or forever be a broken ear?(. 

As for me and my health problems which seem to never end; the puking has not stopped completely although I can do little things that help for a couple of hours for pain.  I still smoke my occasional joints that help with pain, muscle spasms (Volcano Vaporizer).  I don't think I could have made it this long with out my beloved Cannabis medicine.  It's definitely made my life more easier to tolerate with the pain and suffering.  I just wished other patients were able to utilize this powerful medicine as well.  I hate knowing that others in other states are suffering all for their politician's greed.  That's pretty much what it amounts to is greed.  They allow the dying and suffering all for greed.; someone else's definition of quality of life?  Which is basically materialistic things like a bigger house, another home, a yacht, a private jet and so much more; just pure evil greed.   They will never be able to take any of that shit with them when they are gone; I do know this as I'm facing death right in the face!   NO a patient may not utilize medicinal cannabis and no they may not have a better quality of life; they may only take hard core pain medicines?   How can someone so full of greed and hatred make those kinds of decisions for others who truly need to stop suffering in pain?  I can't believe how we worry so much about prisoners who have death sentences more so than we do our own citizens who on hospice care or are sick and dying?  I don't understand this completely but I sure hope it changes one day soon.  Our country needs more Peace and Love!  You have to have been able to love fully in order to enjoy this life.

I'm still trying to eat although today I've been feeling quite a bit nauseated as my sweetie is helping me sooo, sooo, very much in giving me my intravenous dosings of Zofran (Ondansetron Injection- 4mg).    I made it through my 8 year Cancervary (Nov. 15th), my 8 year wedding anniversary (Dec. 3rd) my honey's birthday and then Christmas and now New Years seems to be a bit scary for me as I watch my body start to deteriorate right in front of me.  I hardly have any muscle tone in my legs and am having a hard time getting up the stairs or even getting dressed.   

Today, the Chaplain (social worker from hospice) may be visiting me and finding out if I am more ready for my transition to the next life/journey.  Death can be very scary for most of us when in reality it is very natural; we will all have to face this inevitable fact; some of us much sooner.  I'm thankful for each and every moment of life that I'm given because at any point my body could just give out.   I hate the thought of just leaving all of my loved ones; especially my soul mate.   I just can't bear it!  I love him so much and just thinking about what's going on with me makes me cry a river of tears.    We have had so many great years together and then these types of moments where I feel like such a helpless shit as he waits on me hand and foot with everything I could possibly need.  I wish I could do so more for him because he really deserves it.   He is more of a man than any man I have ever met and will always be my own personal hero and of course the very  best friend I could ever ask for!)  How can our  love end this way I wonder?  How come we can't have more fun in the snow?  I'm so weak and seeing all this snow makes me sad and reminiscent of all the fun pure powder day my sweetie and I have enjoyed together.   I'm so thankful for all the great memories I have and how I wish we could make some more.  I did see the news and noticed that we lost a young snowboarding princess this weekend and I only wish that I could go that way!  I have always thought that I would rather Die having fun than to  die a sick death.  When you die sick it doesn't seem that your life is noticed at all at least in the media.  Just a small blurb in the Obituaries section and that is it.  It doesn't stop there, I'm loved by so many here;  I know I won't be forgotten here!  There is so much love here and I very grateful for all this love!)  Let's hope 2011 will be the year that the cure for all cancers was found; an end to Corporate greed over human lives. 

What sucks sometimes is that I still wonder why I was chosen to suffer so much how come such a great couple like us was not allowed the happiness of being able to have a family together but instead of kids, we got cancer?   I wouldn't want to wish this on anyone although I still think of the evils of our last Administration and their greed.  Why doesn't cancer affect those who are totally evil?  Why is it often coined "the nice person's disease?".   If I could just give this disease to anyone, I would definitely pick Dick Cheney.   Sure he has suffered some with heart disease, but the damage he did to our country and so many millions of lives; he deserves so much more.  Pure and total evil is how I would describe him.  OK enough with the politics.  What an evil, evil subject and of course the most evil man ever!

How am I going to beat this?  Oh it just might not happen but I can't help but choose to live each day I'm given and to try my best to do as much as I possibly can each day.  I've been sitting in front of the television way too much but I'm so weak; I've tried to read some books but my eyesight is not improving; it's getting kinda blurry?  My head starts to hurt and then I start feeling dizzy and then I fall asleep for more hours?!  I just read this little brochure put out by Hospice on the process of dying.  "Gone from my Sight".   The one to two weeks prior to death; I'm supposed to become disoriented which I have not felt much of yet so I hope I have more time.  I get these pains in my chest and then my heart just races and then it scares the living crap out of me; Oh god how I wish I would crap my pants from that; I really do need too!).  But anyway, I have been sleeping a lot more and when others sleep their bodies are energized, mine will be preparing my weak little body for my next journey (Death).  Its kind of fascinating how the body does all that it needs to do for all of life's processes.  I had no idea but its happening.  My body is just like a skeleton with skin now; no muscles anymore.  I can't do any weight gaining shakes without vomiting everything out.  Nothing seems to be working but I'm still grateful as ever to have so many loving souls around me.  

I'm definitely not feeling like eating much but I do feel incredibly dehydrated and drinking the living shit out of these Key Lime sodas that I've been craving.  Yep, still craving pickles; although lately that's about all I'm craving for right now?  Sometimes mashed potatoes; went through some killer cravings for cheese and whole milk!?  I'm still doing TPN and we almost didn't last night because it just seemed that I was that close to death from the severe pains and not being able to catch up on the pain.  It was horrible last night and I feel so bad stressing my poor honey out like that!  He does not deserve that at all!)  He's so wonderful and I just can't say enough about him!)  He really is the most amazing man ever!  Each day I spend with him makes me feel so much more and more in love with him than ever!  I never thought I would ever find true love like this and to know that my days with him may be numbered makes me feel very sad.  I hope he is able to move on and become happy once again.  He deserves happiness and I know he's not happy having to deal with my impending death.  It sucks so bad.

I wish all of you a wonderful 2011 and I hope and wish that I can be around to witness such a great year.  All moments are precious; Peace and Love to all of you!)

UPDATE: I'm still fighting horrible pain in my bottom!(  I'm deeply touched by all of your responses and of course all the love that exists on my blog!  Thank you all from the very bottom of my heart.  I'm happy and grateful for all the love and support you all have given me.  I definitely do not feel like a worthless shit anymore!

My honey and I have been shocked at the recent developments of my body lately.  Check out the vein-age and bony arms?  It's pretty scary and shocking but it's what's happening each and every day I survive this beast called Cancer.