WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Friday, December 31, 2010

The Scary New Year....

My sincere apologies for the language I'm going to get off my back (tumors) and spew but it's totally necessary.  I've been hurting quite a bit these last couple of days.  Yes, these last couple of days have been trying to say the very least; I have been having the most horrible cancer pains in my back, abdomen, and then these horrific pain spasms in my asshole!)  Why  do I have to have cancer in my precious asshole?  It's just not fair.  I'm not an asshole to anybody; I don't think I am? What's up with that?  Is that any dignified way to die?  Why do I have to have shitty, crappy things go on with my body?  Don't get me wrong, I'm still smiling and laughing at some of these predicaments I get myself into; but sometimes enough is enough, although the pain is nothing at all to laugh at.   I have not had a poop in over 2 weeks now and its kinda sorta scaring me and I've dropped more weight? I am now weighing in a 91.5lbs which is a bit more scarier than before.    I am so weak that I can barely make it up the stairs now and am sleeping a lot more; it seems I'm always sleeping.   That's why I have barely gotten online to check on all of you!) 

Well the two of us did have a fabulous  little Christmas together and I was so  thankful to have been able to cook us an excellent little Christmas meal for both of us on Sunday.  I had  just a few bites of Cornish game hens,  (there is no way I could have cooked an entire turkey!) excellent dressing, (I accidentally got Turnips instead of my honey's  favored Rutabagas; they still turned out excellent!); The whole mashed potato mixture contained boiled Turnips, Cauliflower, and baby multicolored potatoes, and of course Turkey gravy and canned cranberry sauce to compliment our wonderful meal together!).  I wasn't able to hold everything in or gain all the weight that I had hoped and prayed to gain!)   Blue Belle even gained weight from the medication the vet had prescribed to her.  She gained a whole pound in 1 week while I lost about 10lbs.   How does that  happen?  I saved one of the game hens so that I could more easily give her those pills that I would never want to force down her throat.  Instead she wolfed down a small piece of chicken containing her medicine each day this week.  We still have a few more pills that she's working on finishing; but we have not caused her any stress in giving her medication.  The only stress she has felt is having a damn thermometer shoved up her ass!  I do fondly remember how much she hates one of those cold things shoved up her ass!)  It's so unpleasant to her but my honey said she did better the second time around.   He ear puffed up again the day we brought her back to the vet (for the check up and now she has another appointment on the 4th (maybe for surgery?), we don't know yet.  Either way her broken ear will somehow get fixed or forever be a broken ear?(. 

As for me and my health problems which seem to never end; the puking has not stopped completely although I can do little things that help for a couple of hours for pain.  I still smoke my occasional joints that help with pain, muscle spasms (Volcano Vaporizer).  I don't think I could have made it this long with out my beloved Cannabis medicine.  It's definitely made my life more easier to tolerate with the pain and suffering.  I just wished other patients were able to utilize this powerful medicine as well.  I hate knowing that others in other states are suffering all for their politician's greed.  That's pretty much what it amounts to is greed.  They allow the dying and suffering all for greed.; someone else's definition of quality of life?  Which is basically materialistic things like a bigger house, another home, a yacht, a private jet and so much more; just pure evil greed.   They will never be able to take any of that shit with them when they are gone; I do know this as I'm facing death right in the face!   NO a patient may not utilize medicinal cannabis and no they may not have a better quality of life; they may only take hard core pain medicines?   How can someone so full of greed and hatred make those kinds of decisions for others who truly need to stop suffering in pain?  I can't believe how we worry so much about prisoners who have death sentences more so than we do our own citizens who on hospice care or are sick and dying?  I don't understand this completely but I sure hope it changes one day soon.  Our country needs more Peace and Love!  You have to have been able to love fully in order to enjoy this life.

I'm still trying to eat although today I've been feeling quite a bit nauseated as my sweetie is helping me sooo, sooo, very much in giving me my intravenous dosings of Zofran (Ondansetron Injection- 4mg).    I made it through my 8 year Cancervary (Nov. 15th), my 8 year wedding anniversary (Dec. 3rd) my honey's birthday and then Christmas and now New Years seems to be a bit scary for me as I watch my body start to deteriorate right in front of me.  I hardly have any muscle tone in my legs and am having a hard time getting up the stairs or even getting dressed.   

Today, the Chaplain (social worker from hospice) may be visiting me and finding out if I am more ready for my transition to the next life/journey.  Death can be very scary for most of us when in reality it is very natural; we will all have to face this inevitable fact; some of us much sooner.  I'm thankful for each and every moment of life that I'm given because at any point my body could just give out.   I hate the thought of just leaving all of my loved ones; especially my soul mate.   I just can't bear it!  I love him so much and just thinking about what's going on with me makes me cry a river of tears.    We have had so many great years together and then these types of moments where I feel like such a helpless shit as he waits on me hand and foot with everything I could possibly need.  I wish I could do so more for him because he really deserves it.   He is more of a man than any man I have ever met and will always be my own personal hero and of course the very  best friend I could ever ask for!)  How can our  love end this way I wonder?  How come we can't have more fun in the snow?  I'm so weak and seeing all this snow makes me sad and reminiscent of all the fun pure powder day my sweetie and I have enjoyed together.   I'm so thankful for all the great memories I have and how I wish we could make some more.  I did see the news and noticed that we lost a young snowboarding princess this weekend and I only wish that I could go that way!  I have always thought that I would rather Die having fun than to  die a sick death.  When you die sick it doesn't seem that your life is noticed at all at least in the media.  Just a small blurb in the Obituaries section and that is it.  It doesn't stop there, I'm loved by so many here;  I know I won't be forgotten here!  There is so much love here and I very grateful for all this love!)  Let's hope 2011 will be the year that the cure for all cancers was found; an end to Corporate greed over human lives. 

What sucks sometimes is that I still wonder why I was chosen to suffer so much how come such a great couple like us was not allowed the happiness of being able to have a family together but instead of kids, we got cancer?   I wouldn't want to wish this on anyone although I still think of the evils of our last Administration and their greed.  Why doesn't cancer affect those who are totally evil?  Why is it often coined "the nice person's disease?".   If I could just give this disease to anyone, I would definitely pick Dick Cheney.   Sure he has suffered some with heart disease, but the damage he did to our country and so many millions of lives; he deserves so much more.  Pure and total evil is how I would describe him.  OK enough with the politics.  What an evil, evil subject and of course the most evil man ever!

How am I going to beat this?  Oh it just might not happen but I can't help but choose to live each day I'm given and to try my best to do as much as I possibly can each day.  I've been sitting in front of the television way too much but I'm so weak; I've tried to read some books but my eyesight is not improving; it's getting kinda blurry?  My head starts to hurt and then I start feeling dizzy and then I fall asleep for more hours?!  I just read this little brochure put out by Hospice on the process of dying.  "Gone from my Sight".   The one to two weeks prior to death; I'm supposed to become disoriented which I have not felt much of yet so I hope I have more time.  I get these pains in my chest and then my heart just races and then it scares the living crap out of me; Oh god how I wish I would crap my pants from that; I really do need too!).  But anyway, I have been sleeping a lot more and when others sleep their bodies are energized, mine will be preparing my weak little body for my next journey (Death).  Its kind of fascinating how the body does all that it needs to do for all of life's processes.  I had no idea but its happening.  My body is just like a skeleton with skin now; no muscles anymore.  I can't do any weight gaining shakes without vomiting everything out.  Nothing seems to be working but I'm still grateful as ever to have so many loving souls around me.  

I'm definitely not feeling like eating much but I do feel incredibly dehydrated and drinking the living shit out of these Key Lime sodas that I've been craving.  Yep, still craving pickles; although lately that's about all I'm craving for right now?  Sometimes mashed potatoes; went through some killer cravings for cheese and whole milk!?  I'm still doing TPN and we almost didn't last night because it just seemed that I was that close to death from the severe pains and not being able to catch up on the pain.  It was horrible last night and I feel so bad stressing my poor honey out like that!  He does not deserve that at all!)  He's so wonderful and I just can't say enough about him!)  He really is the most amazing man ever!  Each day I spend with him makes me feel so much more and more in love with him than ever!  I never thought I would ever find true love like this and to know that my days with him may be numbered makes me feel very sad.  I hope he is able to move on and become happy once again.  He deserves happiness and I know he's not happy having to deal with my impending death.  It sucks so bad.

I wish all of you a wonderful 2011 and I hope and wish that I can be around to witness such a great year.  All moments are precious; Peace and Love to all of you!)

UPDATE: I'm still fighting horrible pain in my bottom!(  I'm deeply touched by all of your responses and of course all the love that exists on my blog!  Thank you all from the very bottom of my heart.  I'm happy and grateful for all the love and support you all have given me.  I definitely do not feel like a worthless shit anymore!

My honey and I have been shocked at the recent developments of my body lately.  Check out the vein-age and bony arms?  It's pretty scary and shocking but it's what's happening each and every day I survive this beast called Cancer. 

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21 comments:

Anonymous said...

CJ,

'when you die a sick death it seems you are hardly noticed,'

Look around at all of your blog followers and all the lives you've touched!

YOU ARE NOTICED!!!

I wish I could help with your fear and suffering. I am so glad you have loved ones to lean on.

Take gentle care my sweet friend.

Love,
Karen

coffeemaiden said...

Jayne,
I'm so sorry. Karen is right tho. You are very noticed. You have touched so many people and we have all learned from you. You and your honey have made a big difference in the world. The mama in me is in tears because of your pain and the pain of your wonderful husband.
We are sending hugs, prayers and love.
The love you both have for each other will carry you thru. That's why you two have each other. That's what love is.
Prayers & love,
Deb

Anonymous said...

Much love to you Jayne! You are noticed everyday and you are not alone, we all love and pray for you everyday.
It was so good to hear your voice, I hope to see you soon.
Happy New Year!
Love, Amy and Dale

Margaret said...

Jayne, Karen and Deb are right. You have so many people in your corner, fighting for you and Jimmy. I am honored to have you in my life, and unlike most of those who follow your blog, I personally know you so am even more aware of the fight you have in you. I hate that you are going through this but my friend, you are doing it with so much dignity and your own sense of humor. I've told you before that you were such an inspiration to me during my battle, and you continue to inspire me every day. I send you lots of love and hugs my friend.

Margaret

Tutte Peever said...

Hi Jayne,

What an inspiration you are to many of us. It was on this day 15 years ago that my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer unexectedly when I was 50.

He was the love of my life, my soulmate. As many men can't, he wasn't able to share the dying process even though I had been a Hospice Volunteer. I guess he felt he needed to protect me. Your honest expression has helped me enormously in understanding. He died within four short months and was probably trying to come to terms with it himself. How does anyone really? I don't have a clue but I have mixed feelings.

Sometimes I think those who depart quickly spare themselves from a lot of suffering and on the other hand I think time provides the gift of expressing what is in our heart to our loved ones. You have definitely done that my dear. My beloved hubby and I did that so I was left without regrets.

My wish for you for 2011 is that your transition be a Peaceful one and that you remember the metaphor of the butterfly emerging from the cocoon. You have no idea how the Eternal Spirit will fill your wings and what awaits you. A caterpillar has no awareness that one day it will emerge and travel continents. I have no fear of death but know it would be very difficult to say goodbye.

My wish for you is that you have much less pain in the next year and that you can have a good 'shit'! Love your sense of humour.

Am holding you in my thoughts and heart.

Big hug, Tutte

just julie said...

sheer bravery of the highest degree you are a unique angel and will live on forever in our hearts sending you all my love , I will be 6 years clear of ovarian cancer in march I wish you pain-free 2011 xxxx

Maggie said...

Jayne, even in the hardest moments, you are still inspiring others. I notice you, I know you are there. It is a stinking shame that you and I, who seem to be good people, have been struck by this shitty disease. But your willingness to share your thoughts and feelings has been so helpful to me.

I can only hope I will be able to share with others and be so brave when my death comes. I, too, feel such sadness watching my darling Richie and my children suffer through this nasty cancer. They don't have to suffer anything physically, but to see the pain on their faces is just like a knife cutting through my heart. I wish peace and no pain for you. Take the pain meds, even if they make you woozy, remember that there are so many of us holding you warmly in our hearts as you move through these days. Hugs and love, maggie

Mischa said...

CJ, your blog is an important part of my life. You are noticed! You are important and always will be for your friends, family, readers... I wish you comfort and peace for the rest of your days. You deserve so many more of them than so many of us who waste them by not making each day count, by not living with as much passion as you do.

Anonymous said...

CJ,

You are a true boddhisattvha. You were on our prayer list today in Medicine Buddha practice with my sweet group in Sacramento. We had many people to pray for today, and we prayed that you may be free from pain and suffering. I said that you were my age, that you wanted to live, and that you loved your husband more than anything.

Jayne, I have been reading your blog for a year now. I can't believe all that has changed for you and for me in this past year. I am sorry I have not had the chance to meet you.

CJ, when you get where you are going, however short or long that may be, can you please hug my cat Shasta for me? I lost her two days ago to cancer. I will send you a picture, but I'm sure you will know her if you see her.

love, love, love!
Karen

Shopping Kharma said...

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart! I had a much better day today and I really would like to thank everyone for their good thoughts and prayers! The pain was very minimal, I laughed a lot today and that's always good!, my honey and I enjoyed hanging out with some good friends! Could not have enjoyed a more wonderful new day to a new Year! Happy New Year to All of you!
and Karen I will absolutely give Shasta a hug up in heaven somewhere out there!) How does she like to be scratched? Oh never mind I will find it!) Love, Jayne

Anonymous said...

Jayne:
You have shown so much love, courage and dignity.I will always remember your spirit for living..
I have a rescue dog that is part Australian Shepherd and St. Bernard mix and maybe a few more breeds in there..She is named Sophie and she has been my constant buddy for almost 2 yrs. ..My husband is like yours..he is a gem and has done so much for me..Without him; I am sure I would not have made it this far..
You have given me so much inspiration to keep up the fight against this dreaded disease.. I had Ovarian Cancer when I was 28 yrs old..( with a 2 yr old and a 7 yr old) Had the debulking surgery and 7 wks of radiation..
I am now 66 yrs old and 3 yrs ago was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer, I had multiple surgeries, chemo and other drugs to no avail..Finally a yr ago had the nasty bladder out..after bladder removal I was in the hospital 16 times from Dec 09 to Jul 10..I am doing o.k. at the moment ..Doctors are pretty sure this cancer was caused by the radiation so many yrs ago..
I admire you so much..I have read you blog for many months now and feel like I know you..Bless you and I hope you have less pain and can become more comfortable.

Arlene

Amanda said...

Blessings to you. You are an inspiration to many. Take care and much love.
Amanda

Denise said...

Jayne,

My mom's name is Jane by the way. Such a precious name. You are our angel of light and hope, you anre NEVER forgotten. I think about you every day.....and always pray for you. You are a blessing to many, and to me. We have been blessed with a gift of honesty, on your journey to a beautiful place where pain is non-existent.

You remind us all in an instant the Love is all that really matters. With Love, we have peace and ethics and no greed.

One day I hope humanity lives in Love for their family, friends and community, in God.

Love is eternal.

Keep posting when you can and I'm so happy that you are able to enjoy spurts of fun and joy, laughter and smiles, in the midst of this terrible situation.

Peace and Love,
Denise

Anonymous said...

I just want to applaud your courage and spirit. My prayers and thoughts are with you. I hope that every day you have left is peaceful and you somehow manage to become pain free.

Anonymous said...

Sweet Lady Jayne,
I have never met you, but from following your blog for over a year now I feel like I know you. We exchanged emails once early on in my ovarian cancer diagnosis, and you gave me such a sense of hope and peace. You are truly a hero to me. I am in awe of you and just love you for your courage to continue your fight and for what you are teaching so many about what is really important in this life. Love , peace and kindness for others. I have been cancer free for 18 mos now, but recently had a scan and MRI that is showing 3 new cysts on my left ovary, my remaining ovary. I will be going in for a PET or possible biopsy in weeks. While the thought of a recurrence worries me, I will face the beast with courage because of the example you have laid before me. My husband and I have struggled in our marriage since my diagnosis, and subsequent financial distress from crappy health insurance, but we are in counseling now and working through it.He knows about you as I always share your stories after reading an update on your blog. Last night we sat together on our couch with my lap top and I showed him your story, the story of Jimmy and Jayne. We looked at pictures from your vacation snow boarding, the Packers game, and your wedding.I read to him about how special your relationship is, and what a blessing you have been to each other in sickness and in health. We sat together and wept for what such a beautiful couple, soul mates, whom we never met, are having to go through. You were the start of a beautiful dialoge between us that we havent had in months. So I thank you both for that. We prayed that you may be able to share some laughs in your coming days with your husband and that you will be relieved from all the pain. I know you will always be with Jimmy, guiding him into his own peace from above. I think of you daily and pray for every night, sending as much peace and love your way as I can. I feel blessed to have been able to fight my battle against this nasty ass disease along side such an amazing Warrior Princess. Much love and peace to you and your husband in the coming days.

l'optimiste said...

Jayne - you are always with us, we are always with you - and you will never be alone.

You've helped a lot of people just through this blog. I imagine that in 'real' life, you are the same. I so wish we could meet, but I suppose we have really :)

No matter what, you will not be unnoticed! Nor forgotten - every time I think about a recurrance, I remember some of the things you've said and done, and it gives me strength.
Thank you for that.

Now, lets see about getting to Easter shall we ;)
lots of love
xxx

nat said...

I really appreciate you blogging through this. You truly have a resilient spirit and a desire for life that many do not. I am amazed by you in every post you share. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.

As many others have said - I don't know you, but feel like I do through your writing and videos. You are noticed, and cherished, and appreciated by many 'strangers' like me.

I know you will enjoy every moment. I am blessed to 'know' you in this life and may we meet in the next!

Anonymous said...

I came upon your blog by accident. I have stage iv breast cancer and was trying to go to the advanced breast cancer forums on inspire.com and saw your post about going into hospice under the ovarian cancer page and have been reading here for a while now. You are amazing, you are noticed, and you matter. The depth of your love for your honey, and he for you, makes my heart ache. It is beautiful, and otherworldly. I pray for comfort and peace for you.

Anonymous said...

You have been an inspiration to me in ways you'll never know. I pray for you often.

Margie said...

Hi Jayne
I hope your visit with your Dad and brother is as wonderful as you dreamed it to be. I love your pictures and following through this journey.
Looking forward to your next post.
Sending Hugs,
Margie

mishall magarzo said...

My doctor said that my eyes can be affected too by my asthma?
http://www.westcoastent.org

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Disclosure

My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
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