The Scary New Year....

My sincere apologies for the language I'm going to get off my back (tumors) and spew but it's totally necessary.  I've been hurting quite a bit these last couple of days.  Yes, these last couple of days have been trying to say the very least; I have been having the most horrible cancer pains in my back, abdomen, and then these horrific pain spasms in my asshole!)  Why  do I have to have cancer in my precious asshole?  It's just not fair.  I'm not an asshole to anybody; I don't think I am? What's up with that?  Is that any dignified way to die?  Why do I have to have shitty, crappy things go on with my body?  Don't get me wrong, I'm still smiling and laughing at some of these predicaments I get myself into; but sometimes enough is enough, although the pain is nothing at all to laugh at.   I have not had a poop in over 2 weeks now and its kinda sorta scaring me and I've dropped more weight? I am now weighing in a 91.5lbs which is a bit more scarier than before.    I am so weak that I can barely make it up the stairs now and am sleeping a lot more; it seems I'm always sleeping.   That's why I have barely gotten online to check on all of you!) 

Well the two of us did have a fabulous  little Christmas together and I was so  thankful to have been able to cook us an excellent little Christmas meal for both of us on Sunday.  I had  just a few bites of Cornish game hens,  (there is no way I could have cooked an entire turkey!) excellent dressing, (I accidentally got Turnips instead of my honey's  favored Rutabagas; they still turned out excellent!); The whole mashed potato mixture contained boiled Turnips, Cauliflower, and baby multicolored potatoes, and of course Turkey gravy and canned cranberry sauce to compliment our wonderful meal together!).  I wasn't able to hold everything in or gain all the weight that I had hoped and prayed to gain!)   Blue Belle even gained weight from the medication the vet had prescribed to her.  She gained a whole pound in 1 week while I lost about 10lbs.   How does that  happen?  I saved one of the game hens so that I could more easily give her those pills that I would never want to force down her throat.  Instead she wolfed down a small piece of chicken containing her medicine each day this week.  We still have a few more pills that she's working on finishing; but we have not caused her any stress in giving her medication.  The only stress she has felt is having a damn thermometer shoved up her ass!  I do fondly remember how much she hates one of those cold things shoved up her ass!)  It's so unpleasant to her but my honey said she did better the second time around.   He ear puffed up again the day we brought her back to the vet (for the check up and now she has another appointment on the 4th (maybe for surgery?), we don't know yet.  Either way her broken ear will somehow get fixed or forever be a broken ear?(. 

As for me and my health problems which seem to never end; the puking has not stopped completely although I can do little things that help for a couple of hours for pain.  I still smoke my occasional joints that help with pain, muscle spasms (Volcano Vaporizer).  I don't think I could have made it this long with out my beloved Cannabis medicine.  It's definitely made my life more easier to tolerate with the pain and suffering.  I just wished other patients were able to utilize this powerful medicine as well.  I hate knowing that others in other states are suffering all for their politician's greed.  That's pretty much what it amounts to is greed.  They allow the dying and suffering all for greed.; someone else's definition of quality of life?  Which is basically materialistic things like a bigger house, another home, a yacht, a private jet and so much more; just pure evil greed.   They will never be able to take any of that shit with them when they are gone; I do know this as I'm facing death right in the face!   NO a patient may not utilize medicinal cannabis and no they may not have a better quality of life; they may only take hard core pain medicines?   How can someone so full of greed and hatred make those kinds of decisions for others who truly need to stop suffering in pain?  I can't believe how we worry so much about prisoners who have death sentences more so than we do our own citizens who on hospice care or are sick and dying?  I don't understand this completely but I sure hope it changes one day soon.  Our country needs more Peace and Love!  You have to have been able to love fully in order to enjoy this life.

I'm still trying to eat although today I've been feeling quite a bit nauseated as my sweetie is helping me sooo, sooo, very much in giving me my intravenous dosings of Zofran (Ondansetron Injection- 4mg).    I made it through my 8 year Cancervary (Nov. 15th), my 8 year wedding anniversary (Dec. 3rd) my honey's birthday and then Christmas and now New Years seems to be a bit scary for me as I watch my body start to deteriorate right in front of me.  I hardly have any muscle tone in my legs and am having a hard time getting up the stairs or even getting dressed.   

Today, the Chaplain (social worker from hospice) may be visiting me and finding out if I am more ready for my transition to the next life/journey.  Death can be very scary for most of us when in reality it is very natural; we will all have to face this inevitable fact; some of us much sooner.  I'm thankful for each and every moment of life that I'm given because at any point my body could just give out.   I hate the thought of just leaving all of my loved ones; especially my soul mate.   I just can't bear it!  I love him so much and just thinking about what's going on with me makes me cry a river of tears.    We have had so many great years together and then these types of moments where I feel like such a helpless shit as he waits on me hand and foot with everything I could possibly need.  I wish I could do so more for him because he really deserves it.   He is more of a man than any man I have ever met and will always be my own personal hero and of course the very  best friend I could ever ask for!)  How can our  love end this way I wonder?  How come we can't have more fun in the snow?  I'm so weak and seeing all this snow makes me sad and reminiscent of all the fun pure powder day my sweetie and I have enjoyed together.   I'm so thankful for all the great memories I have and how I wish we could make some more.  I did see the news and noticed that we lost a young snowboarding princess this weekend and I only wish that I could go that way!  I have always thought that I would rather Die having fun than to  die a sick death.  When you die sick it doesn't seem that your life is noticed at all at least in the media.  Just a small blurb in the Obituaries section and that is it.  It doesn't stop there, I'm loved by so many here;  I know I won't be forgotten here!  There is so much love here and I very grateful for all this love!)  Let's hope 2011 will be the year that the cure for all cancers was found; an end to Corporate greed over human lives. 

What sucks sometimes is that I still wonder why I was chosen to suffer so much how come such a great couple like us was not allowed the happiness of being able to have a family together but instead of kids, we got cancer?   I wouldn't want to wish this on anyone although I still think of the evils of our last Administration and their greed.  Why doesn't cancer affect those who are totally evil?  Why is it often coined "the nice person's disease?".   If I could just give this disease to anyone, I would definitely pick Dick Cheney.   Sure he has suffered some with heart disease, but the damage he did to our country and so many millions of lives; he deserves so much more.  Pure and total evil is how I would describe him.  OK enough with the politics.  What an evil, evil subject and of course the most evil man ever!

How am I going to beat this?  Oh it just might not happen but I can't help but choose to live each day I'm given and to try my best to do as much as I possibly can each day.  I've been sitting in front of the television way too much but I'm so weak; I've tried to read some books but my eyesight is not improving; it's getting kinda blurry?  My head starts to hurt and then I start feeling dizzy and then I fall asleep for more hours?!  I just read this little brochure put out by Hospice on the process of dying.  "Gone from my Sight".   The one to two weeks prior to death; I'm supposed to become disoriented which I have not felt much of yet so I hope I have more time.  I get these pains in my chest and then my heart just races and then it scares the living crap out of me; Oh god how I wish I would crap my pants from that; I really do need too!).  But anyway, I have been sleeping a lot more and when others sleep their bodies are energized, mine will be preparing my weak little body for my next journey (Death).  Its kind of fascinating how the body does all that it needs to do for all of life's processes.  I had no idea but its happening.  My body is just like a skeleton with skin now; no muscles anymore.  I can't do any weight gaining shakes without vomiting everything out.  Nothing seems to be working but I'm still grateful as ever to have so many loving souls around me.  

I'm definitely not feeling like eating much but I do feel incredibly dehydrated and drinking the living shit out of these Key Lime sodas that I've been craving.  Yep, still craving pickles; although lately that's about all I'm craving for right now?  Sometimes mashed potatoes; went through some killer cravings for cheese and whole milk!?  I'm still doing TPN and we almost didn't last night because it just seemed that I was that close to death from the severe pains and not being able to catch up on the pain.  It was horrible last night and I feel so bad stressing my poor honey out like that!  He does not deserve that at all!)  He's so wonderful and I just can't say enough about him!)  He really is the most amazing man ever!  Each day I spend with him makes me feel so much more and more in love with him than ever!  I never thought I would ever find true love like this and to know that my days with him may be numbered makes me feel very sad.  I hope he is able to move on and become happy once again.  He deserves happiness and I know he's not happy having to deal with my impending death.  It sucks so bad.

I wish all of you a wonderful 2011 and I hope and wish that I can be around to witness such a great year.  All moments are precious; Peace and Love to all of you!)

UPDATE: I'm still fighting horrible pain in my bottom!(  I'm deeply touched by all of your responses and of course all the love that exists on my blog!  Thank you all from the very bottom of my heart.  I'm happy and grateful for all the love and support you all have given me.  I definitely do not feel like a worthless shit anymore!

My honey and I have been shocked at the recent developments of my body lately.  Check out the vein-age and bony arms?  It's pretty scary and shocking but it's what's happening each and every day I survive this beast called Cancer. 

Scraping Chest Pain on Left side?

This is just another amazing photo taken by Elena Zhukova.  She has such an amazing gift and I'm so thankful she was able to share that gift with me by taking such wonderful photos of me and my husband.

Yesterday, I had a chemo brain moment when I seriously thought that tomorrow (Oct. 2nd) was groundhog day but I just knew in my heart that Oct. 2nd was a special day and it is.  It's "Livestrong Day" and there are plenty of events all over in order to celebrate this special day!  It's unfortunate that the media will not be covering these excellent events that display humanity at it's best; they choose to show the worst and keep us controlled with violence and fear.  What if we don't want to live this way?

Well I have been a little stupid lately with my hunger pains and have tried to eat (stupid, stupid!( and am suffering greatly for that.  (pizza sauce and cheese, cottage cheese, yogurt, mashed potatoes and gravy, mac and cheese, biscuits and gravy) I even had to pull out the real pain medications which I hate taking but if I am suffering in horrible pain; I have to pull out the ammo so that I don't suffer needlessly.  The pain is too great to just do nothing about it; I can't even move so that has to change.  Gotta be able to live life and not suffer while doing so.  This is the first time in a while that  I have had to use the hard core drugs for pain and I hate how they make me feel but in the long run this suffering is too great to just go it alone.  Life is not meant to be in this much pain.  I still don't get why I feel so guilty and weak when I have to resort to having to use the stronger drugs.  It also scares me that something deeper could be wrong with me?  Well I do have cancer just growing about in my body for which chemotherapies and radiation have proven to only make my body more vulnerable to infections and or death. 

For a few days this week I suffered horribly from another abdominal blockage (not being able to take a shit!).  It was aweful; I would get these muscle spasms that felt like horrible, horrible, painful hemorroids; they felt just like a knife going right into my ass (youch!()  I would feel the need to go potty and then the muscle spasms would start with involuntary straining and puking and horrible, horrible heart burn.  This went on for like 2 days and let me tell you it felt like I had glass in my ass just waiting to come out.  Oh god was it painful?  I had to keep the bong in the bathroom and the puke bucket.   I made it through those worst parts and all that straining would result in more rabbit pellets. Then finally yesterday around 4am -ish; the levees broke and I had two amazing blowouts!  I felt so relieved because again I was going through yet another scary blockage in which I had no idea my intestines would ever work again.  I am always going to face  this for the rest of my life for ever how long it may be.  

I spoke with my social worker this week and she feels that I am one strong ass woman to be able to handle the stresses that I handle and just a year ago I was going through the whole "Denial" stage of accepting death.  Yes, there are stages that sick people go through before they die and I have gone through about 3 stages or I'm in stage 3 (so I am told).   If it happens, it happens; I just don't want it to be painful but I still fear and hate the thought of leaving my knight in shining armor.  I can't do it; I have to keep fighting for him and so many others who are also battling this disease.  It sucks to even think about but it is still fresh on my mind.   It's just further proof that we have to make the most of every moment we have here because time is limited.   None of us know when our time is up and I know that I say this all time but we all know that this is true.  

I lost a friend (well he was more Jimmy's friend but I grew attached to him) about 2 or more weeks ago that we used to call Punk Rock Tom.  He knew and saw all the bands that I used to love to skate too back in the 80's; he's seen the Germs, GG Allan, Circle Jerks, Misfits, Subhumans, (in NY no less and of course slammed at those shows); he told the most amazing concert stories I have ever heard and had been through the ringer and then some with his health.  He had had about 3 heart attacks and faught and beat cancer.  He knew all too well what I have suffering with.  He left behind a loving little 5 or 6 year old son that he loved with all his heart.  What a great daddy and he loved his wife just as much but she couldn't handle his health problems and left him.  I don't see how but I didn't know the situation she was in.  I know there is no way in hell I would ever leave my honey if he were going through what I go through and so much more!)  I wouldn't be able to live with myself.  Anyway, he died of a broken heart; true he is not suffering anymore but I do feel gifted to have known him.  Here is a photo of him with him on his bike with his son.  He used to work in slaughterhouse and that's where he got the horns for his ultra cool helmet.  He also kept his mohawk shaved to show his amazingly beautiful dragon tattoos on his head.  What a cool dude he was!  Please excuse the quality of that photo; it was taken with my stupid iPhone and not my D80.  Love you Punk Rock Tom and I will always miss you!

I don't know how so many people can live and be so greedy or that the media has to make such a big deal out of these greedy people who rip others off.  Why not make a big deal of those who give them selves to help others?  That's inspirational or those who survive the inevitable?  How can they sleep at night knowing that one day they will have to face what they did; or at least I hope they do.  Yes, I have 0 tolerance for laziness, selfishness, and greedy people.  I don't understand them or why they feel that all hursts are equipped with U-hauls that can take their prized possessions with them should something horrible happen them?  I don't understand the need for massive consumerism when there are so many doing with out?  I was never raised to be that way.  I was always taught that there is power in numbers and those people that I chose to help out were those who would go the extra step to help themselves get out of the situation they were in and to not expect others to  have care for them for life.  Don't be a burden to society!   We are all here for a purpose and it's not about being lazy; its about getting things done that will help others in the long run.  I believe in a future for our kids (I don't have any kids but I do love all of my friends kids and want the best for them).  My apologies if this paragraph makes no sense but it does come from my aching heart. 

One good thing about all of this is that my husband is loved by all of his friends who are willing to do so much to help him help me.  I don't know how the new law is going to benefit us especially since so many have been donating to our cause; we haven't had to purchase any cannabis in a few years.  I don't think there is a greedy person around who would argue our case that I don't deserve getting free handouts of weed especially since it has been helping me so much with the horrid heart burn pains I have been getting from trying to be norml and eat something.   It is the one miracle medicine that is helping keep me alive and I'm super glad that the laws are finally becoming more lax about it.  We can finally attempt to put those evil gangs out of business and therefore make it less dangerous on our society and give others a choice between alcohol and pot.  It is the obvious safe choice and Americans do deserve to have a safer alternative.  It's saving my life and I do feel my life is worth saving.  

I do feel that the right thing we can do about health care is to provide it for those who really need it; kind of like catastrophe insurance, when you don't expect the health problem that you get.  No one should ever fear loosing their home over their life.  It's wrong and I can't fathom those who feel that health care is wrong for people who need it.  It's inhumane to not offer it to those who really need it; how can people just decide someone's life is not worth saving?  I go into the emergency room all the time and I see how caring those nurses and doctors can be towards me and I never ever take for granted the health care that I have currently.  We don't have to worry like most Americans and I remember growing up and getting hurt and not being able to go in and get checked out because we didn't have insurance when I was a kid.  We couldn't afford it and when we did; we had to do with out a lot of things.  I'm OK with my money being spent to save other lives and to educate other children even if they don't belong to me.   

Well today I hope to ride my bike with my honey skating along sexily ahead of me with Blue Belle.  I'm hoping some exercise will help my heart become stronger; I know it is full of love and that seems to help it sometimes just knowing that.  Peace and Love to all of you!)