WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Extreme Temperatures in San Jose today.....

What I love most about my blog is that I feel as if I am giving everyone who reads an opportunity to walk in my shoes and to feel what it might be like to have cancer; to have that will to live and to fight proudly and to know that life indeed goes on. Yes, there are also those moments of feeling hopeless and horrible too, but it's all the reality of living with cancer. It doesn't do any good for me to feel sorry for myself and I hope none of you do for me or for yourself. I still have a lot of great things in my life that I appreciate more than anything and so much to look forward to. I love more than anything to help change the lives of others by encouraging them to enjoy their lives and to not take anything for granted. We never know what each day will bring us; I certainly don't. My life is extremely unpredictable.

I treasure each day I am at home (not in the hospital) or just waking up in my bed next to the hottest man in the whole universe; I love his smell and his presence more than anything. That's how I see him; he is the hottest and I'm so happy to wake up next to him each morning; what a blessing!) I am still struggling with my lack of a sex drive and hope that I can find something that can help to bring it back.

See when ever I write things like that; I get these stupid comments from spammers that encourage me to try these magical herbal pills that promise to increase the size of my dick and to make me last longer. It's completely and totally shocking to get these types of comments and I always think "how completely and totally insensitive these people must be to not know that I am not a male." I may lack the female organs; but I have never gained any organs after all of that; I assure you! I had a complete and total hysterectomy and not a sex change at all. I'm still a female. Well I will just have to delete those. SPAMMERS out there; I do not wish to increase the size of my dick; it's completely and totally unnecessary! I had all of my FEMALE organs removed and I bet if I had one of those; it very well would have been removed as well. My vaporizer sometimes works for that problem (lack of a sex drive) and I really need to take advantage of it and use it more than I do. I just get lazy sometimes. It hasn't been turned on in months and is currently collecting dust upstairs.

Yesterday morning my honey and I had a little spat but it upset me that he had to hurry and leave for work that we didn't get to make up (we did get to tell each other "I love you!") before he left. I was crying for part of the day and I got really depressed and for the first time ever, I had some pretty mortal thoughts of giving up because I felt so bad that my honey is giving up so much to be with me and that he deserves so much better. I felt guilty (well I do have to admit I feel guilty sometimes for what seems like making his life a living hell). I never felt like a burden like this before and sometimes having to take care of me can be very stressful for him. It was just a temporary thought but it haunted me like nothing else; I couldn't stop crying from thinking that way even though I didn't mean it. It was just a thought but I hate that it came to mind anyway. The mortal thought that I had was that maybe I should just go home and live with my mother, brother, or even father in order to go home and die (I would loose my health insurance in the process) so that my husband can finally live his life normally; he could find a better woman that doesn't have my extreme health problems, he wouldn't have to worry about taking care of me anymore, he could take off and not have to worry about coming home at a certain time to hook me up and so much more. I felt guilty that I am sometimes unable to please my husband sexually and that he would have made a wonderful father (better than many) and sometimes I feel that I robbed him of that opportunity.

He has to work everyday and he seems always stressed about me and my health all the time and still continues to work. Sometimes I suffer in horrible pains and I cry from the pain and it just tears him up to hear me suffering and he can't do anything to help relieve the pain.

I try not to be in pain like that but sometimes I forget to take the pain medications when the pain starts up (another chemo brain thing) My chemo brain can make me forgetful when I am doing things and sometimes it's like a blank page; I forget to close cabinet doors and sometimes leave things out and forget to put things away or clean up certain things. I get sidetracked while doing other things; sometimes it can be a phone call or one of my pets distracting me and this drives him crazy too; but sometimes I will start things and forget to finish them. It was all the little things that annoy my husband that I do and that his life is a constant worry; he never gets to go anywhere or do anything because of me that caused the spat. I think he was mostly just venting and letting his feelings out and I took it way too personally. I'm too sensitive sometimes.

I was feeling pretty worthless for the beginning of that day and then I started having a full blown anxiety attack just thinking this way and little Blue Belle could certainly sense it. She came over to me and started licking my legs and then my face. It completely surprised me that I started laughing at her as I petted her soft fur.

Then all of a sudden I looked over in the corner of the room and noticed Tonto making biscuits on the huge stuffed Lab that my neighbor had got me when I got out of the hospital. He was doing it with such great force that the front end of the dog started moving up and down and then Blue Belle got upset and started barking at the huge stuffed dog. I burst out laughing because it was so hillarious. It was as if the two of them tag teamed to cheer me up. I got out of that depressive mode and started thinking of all the good things that I do for my husband and that there is no way this man is ever going to give up on me; all the times that he has told me that he loves me no matter what. I was right; he got home at lunchtime and gave me a huge hug and apologized for his behavior that morning. He was very, very sorry. I was so happy that I was crying in his arms when he said that and since we are always honest with one another I told him about that mortal thought I was thinking about and he hugged me even more and told me; "I'm not a quitter and you are not either, you won't have insurance; you have to stay and I can't make it with out you, I need you more than anything in this world. Don't ever think that and you are never going to do that; we are not going to give up; ever!" He had to remind me of our wedding vows and that he meant them and takes them to heart. It was just what I needed to hear. He also told me he never cared to have any kids of his own; we don't have it in the cards so we can just move on from that. We are too old to anyway. We can have fun in other ways and we have this wonderful Peace Dog that brings Peace where ever she goes and a very hillarious Anti-Cat that just doesn't act that much like a cat.

Our make-up sessions are so beautiful and sweet and often the spat will be a result of misunderstandings and built up stress. Making up is really the very best feeling!) I was so glad to be over that hump of feeling like a total worthless shit. I'm sure other Cancer patients have those moments where they get to a point where they feel like giving up or feel hopeless. I didn't want to; I just didn't like the thought of making the man that I love miserable when he doesn't deserve it.

OK enough of that! Well I do know that Saturdays and Sundays are usually good for me (2 days of feeling normal= yeah); today I had horrible diarrhea and my pee hole burned like hell. I would pee and nearly fall off the toilet from the burning pain. It sucked bad!( I think I can actually feel the rod that is in my pee hole (my right ureter) and I will have to have surgery sometime next month before the 18th of September to replace the tube. I had written my doctor / surgeon about this problem and he did tell me that I didn't have any infections in my urine culture but that it was another side effect of the chemotherapy. How I hate that word!

I made a special lunch for my honey today and he unhooked me from my feeding bag as we got to spend a few minutes of quality time together in the middle of the day. We are definitely over the spat of yesterday and are moving on to better things now. Despite chemo this weekend; we do plan on going on a bike ride together and even a motorcycle ride around (after the feed bag removal).

This will be a relaxing fun weekend and I may just go with him to see that violent Tarrontino movie. Oh I hate his movies; I like the 70's look and feel of them; but I hate the violence so much. I don't think it is at all necessary and what we need in this world. I think he makes violence seem funny and fun = not good. Why does everything he do have to have so much blood and guts and killing? I love my honey so much that I will go see that movie anyway. If I go he owes me a girly movie for sure!

Well anyway it was time for my Costco run after he left and I had this wonderful gift certificate from so many loving people at work that I needed to use and it so helped me. I don't have any money in my own bank account at this time and haven't had any since June (money of my own); so it was a treat to be able to go and not have to worry about paying that AMEX bill for all the things we needed. I hadn't done a Costco run in a while (since June) and we were low on all kinds of things (TP, Coffee, Olive Oil, etc). Blue Belle had on her favorite new "Service Dog Vest" and she was allowed to come inside Costco. The smiles that resulted in her presence inside Costco was amazing.

All the people that had been stressed out were not feeling it with her around. It's amazing to be walking down the aisle with my shopping cart with her right by my side (not in the way of anyone) as walk past someone with out a smile and then a peer down below and then a smile. A few people asked if they could pet her because she is so incredibly beautiful. This one little girl lost herself petting Blue Belle and just hugged her while Blue Belle gave her kisses. I forgot my camera; probably because it was such a dam hot day.

I hate hot days like this; it was worse than my hot flashes; when we got back in the car; the outside temperature said 106. I know that can't be quite accurate but it did feel like I walked right into an oven. I do like the moments in my day that are enjoyable like this; a great trip to Costco (nice and air conditioned) and not receiving any kind of negativity that she is inside the store. No one gave me any shit in fact the person standing in the front of the store asking for Costco cards had to get down and pet her and get a kiss from her.

I was having some horrible problems with my intestines and had to go to the restroom twice for more diarrhea and then while I was unpacking in the parking lot it happened again. Good thing I had on a feminine pad but it worked some. It was a mess when I got home but I survived it. I can walk around and unload the car so it's no big deal that I shit my pants again! I'm even laughing about it. My intestines have been through hell and back; so I think I'm entitled to my Depend's moments. I got home and took a nice warm bath and cleaned myself up then made my honey some deviled eggs and cut up some veggies and made him some dip with sour cream. Just some snacks in case he came home hungry.

Since it was Friday evening; my honey stopped by the pub and hung out for a couple of hours with his friends. I felt he was entitled since it's been a long week for him. My neighbor called, so Blue Belle got to play with Tess once it had cooled down some (it was 85 degrees last night), muggy and hot. She did her Sheltie Zoom, Zoom, Zoom as we laughed while the dogs were zipping all over the yard. It was too hot to take her around the block on the bike so I figured a romp with her best friend would suffice for her exercise. She was worn out when we returned and my honey had the milk bag all ready to hook up to me. He flushed both lines and had done his huge responsibility of putting the vitamins and everything required to get that milk bag going. It's so impressive what he does for me each and everyday.

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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Chemo once a week and side effects...

I hope these cute photos of Tonto and Blue Belle cheer up many or at least make you laugh.

Well I had my chemo on Monday (it was scheduled at 9am, but I didn't get it until after 10:30am, I was done by 11:15am). For the next 3 days I have side effects (I'm noticing this each week); actually 4 days if you include my face breaking out like crazy and then 2 to 3 days I finally start to feel normal for the week. The day of chemo I'm OK until several hours later when I pass out. The following day; I'm useless for most of the day; I usually wake up with extremely bad nausea and no desire what so ever to eat or drink; but the problem is; I have to. I don't have a choice; if I don't drink anything; the chemo can seriously damage my kidneys so I force myself to use the bong and inhale the THC which in turn makes me drink lots of Gatoraide and Cranberry and water; then the next day; like today; I shit all day long (not only do I feel like shit but I shit all day long and can not be farther than 10 ft from a working toilet) and it's diarrhea (oh the unpleasantries of chemo) that really burns my ass; it's really NO fun at all; but those other great days that fall after those inconveniences are well worth it. Hell just waking up each day next to the man that I love is well worth every bit of suffering with this disease. He makes everything I suffer and go through so worth it! I could go through many years of this with him and with him only!)

I am so blessed to have him in my life and taking care of me that I will never ever take any of what he does for me for granted. Yes, we have problems like most couples but we cherish each day that we do have together like nothing else. I'm also happy for others who also get to experience this type of love and have met many other cancer patients who also have their other half who is with them for better and for worse, richer and for poorer, and in sickness and in health; no matter what they still tough it out and it's not just toughing it out; it's part of life and living. Most people go through hardships no matter what; ours just seems more prevalent lately (we have been having lots of hardships this summer) but hopefully things will get much better. I hope one day that I will be able to stomach and digest real food just like everyone else. I also hope that we can take a small vacation together just to get away for a little while; maybe for a weekend; but the feeding apparatus will have to be gone before we can do that. Don't we all wish for more in life?)

While I was getting my chemo, I saw the cutest couple in front of me where one of them was getting chemo and the other was just there for support. I thought they were cute because they were so appreciative of one another and the care giver was incredibly accommodating to the other. They were two older gentleman (yes I live in CA somewhat close to SF), but yes they were gay and were totally sweet to me. Both had very warm genuine smiles when I looked over at them; we didn't talk; I just watched them; I still had my TV and was able to watch Animal Cops SF and Phoenix; but I have to say it was more entertaining to watch them. I could just see the love in the room as they seemed to have a grand time no matter what. I didn't have anyone else near me as I got my chemo. I never ask my husband to sit there and wait with me while I get my chemo. He used to in the beginning but most of the time I would be asleep from the Benadryl or whatever else they gave me that konked me out. Since then, I have always felt that chemo isn't that exciting enough to sit around but then seeing those two together made me think otherwise. They really were making the most of it.

Anyway, back to this couple, they were both Asian, the one getting chemo was bald and very thin and very tall; his partner was somewhat short and stocky but he was with his partner every step of the way; making sure that he was comfortable; he opened up the case for the computer, brought the computer over where his partner could see it perfectly, spent the time to hook it up and set it up and then the two watched a hilarious movie together; I could tell by the two of them laughing like crazy. They seemed to enjoy every bit of time they had together as they smiled warmly at each other and kissed a few times. My little drip was only an hour and I was there nearly 2 and half hours; they were there way before I was (I knew this because it does take forever for someone to come over and hook up your chemo or get the IV started); he didn't have a port because I could see that he was getting his IV right when I sat down. He got his chemo before I did but his drip was much longer than mine; so I assume his cancer may just be more aggressive or fast growing than mine is. My cancer is slow growing but very persistent and it seems to grow all the time; I feel I may have more time than most who battle however my cancer tends to be more resistant to treatment but we will see. We have about a 10% chance that the chemo will work. I'm praying this treatment is working and not sure if it's just psychological but my husband and I are noticing that my tumor might be shrinking.

Yes, there are still others in this world who are far worse off than I am and maybe can't even eat at all or maybe don't have the time that I have. I've had too many of those weeks where I can't even eat ice chips and now I am so thankful that I can at least eat ice cream, small amounts of very cooked pasta, hate the baby food, soup, some breads, not liking the yogurt or the smoothies all that much. Yes, that's my diet; I'm hoping to include sushi next week and each time I do try to add something new; it's usually hit or miss. I suffer sometimes just for a few days as it tries to make it through my difficult system and sometimes it works and I don't have that many problems; but I still get pain most of the time in my stomach when I am digesting and it gets old.

We are planning to discontinue the intravenous feeding once I get up to 125 and can maintain the weight at least for a week. It really is a challenge now planning around my feedings since I am taken off the drip at lunchtime (when it's convenient) and I get only 6 hours of freedom; that's it! . I can't do any of this myself since flushing requires two hands. The real challenge will be maintaining the weight after I get off the intravenous feeding. I don't have much energy to cook but will just have work on it and do my best. My honey is willing to learn to cook for me; now that is love!)

I'm actually saddened by the loss of Ted Kennedy and I knew it would come soon. I loved him dearly as a politician and he had so much fighting spirit. I want to fight my cancer as he worked hard as a Senator for our country in getting so many great laws passed that help the common people; including Civil Rights. I wish his family the best and I hope the Kennedy family continues to do good things for our country.

I did finally get all the paperwork needed for Blue Belle to be my legal service dog. Check out her new sporty vest; she loves it and feels pretty wearing it!) I am so thankful for laws that protect the disabled. Pets really are therapeutic and can serve a vital purpose for many. I can't get over the smiles that I get when I walk Blue Belle into any public building. She really is the Peace Dog and my neighbor bought me a Tied Died Shirt that says Peace Dog. I wish I could wear it every day now that it is my favorite shirt ever. It used to be my T-shirt that says "Music is my Religion".

Remember next month (September) is "National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month". I will be writing a few posts next month to commemorate this special month and hopefully we can raise some funds for Research. L’OrĂ©al Paris has asked that I be a Hope Ambassador. I feel very honored to do this; so look out for these upcoming posts next month. Peace and Love to all!

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Sunday, August 23, 2009

My Beach Cruiser and the fun we had....

Well Saturday turned out to be an awesome day to go for a bike ride with my honey. It felt so incredibly fabulous to be riding my beach cruiser with him finally after all these months of having the gorgeous bike parked in my garage! We finally got to go on a bike ride together!)

It was about noon-time on Saturday (we got to sleep in) and I still had another hour to be hooked up to that feeding thing. I even made him his favorite breakfast of tots, bacon, and eggs over easy!) We got everything ready to go for our bike ride (a backpack with water, frisbees, and the camera) and then by 1:15 after the TPN had been disconnected from me; we got our bikes together with Blue Belle in hand and went on our bike ride to Mary Jane Park which is about 8 or so blocks from our home.

There are a bunch of little shortcuts to take to get to this park. Since my bike is more or less an old lady bike; only has 3 speeds and works comfortably going very, very slow or even somewhat fast; I was better able to lead Miss Blue Belle since she got tired and had to go slow often. I don't like to go fast anyway; just cruise and enjoy the ride! Miss Blue Belle is out of shape and I had to slow down quite a bit for her as she ran out of breath a few times. No worries, I plan to get this girl in shape in no time. We weren't able to make it to her favorite pet store this weekend, but will be able to tomorrow after Chemo.

Seeing me have a blast riding on my beautiful cruiser got my husband thinking about getting himself a nice beach cruiser for himself. I wasn't in the least amount of pain riding my bike because it has such a nice cushy seat for my bony ass and plenty of padding so that I never got those horrid ass pains from riding on one of those freaky triangle shaped seats that are actually excellent at creating horrid hemorrhoid pain for those who are riding with slow pokes such as myself.

I know I have been told several times by several different people that there are seats for dudes and seats for women that are made specifically for their genital parts and sitting on the seat which does not look or feel all that comfortable. Why concentrate on those parts when you are actually sitting on your ass? I don't know for sure if this is true or not but several people have told me this. The seats are shaped so weird like a triangle and then the inside of the triangle is missing. How is this enough to cover someone's ass? I don't get it. I see them as potential genital mutilation seats. I know, I have ridden on both of our old bikes (they both have the genital mutilation seats) to know they don't make you feel good sitting on them for too long. I would often get butthole pains from sitting on those seats for too long and sometimes rashes on my ass from sitting on the seat for so long. So far, Beach Cruisers rock and from what my honey tells me might be a bit similar to what many Harley riders do as they roll up to stop lights. The trick is that you can ride as slow as you possible can or would like to with out tipping over.

After our ride to Mary Jane Park, we rode up to the local pub for a beer. It was just a few blocks away. I had my first beer in over a month (maybe longer); it was a Guiness which tends to be better on my stomach and also very good for my blood since it is such a dark beer. We mostly just sat in the bar, had some good conversation with several of the locals and mostly just had a good time together. It was so nice to finally be back there again and to see many whom I haven't seen in months. I was finally out of the house and the two of us were out having fun together rather than heading to the hospital for a treatment or a blood test; we were having fun and we didn't drive! What a miracle this weekend has been!

Well we got home and then got ready to go out to eat at Aqui in Downtown Campbell. We both go the Blackened Mahi Mahi with chopped Mangos and cucumber and mashed sweet potatoes. I ate maybe a third of my meal as it was the first real meal I have had in over a month. I made sure I chewed everything as good as possible and drank plenty of water. What an awesome dinner! Also, most often very beautiful old cars are parked in downtown Campbell so as usual we always have to photograph those pretty cars.

Well when I got home the pain started to get out of control so I took a Percocet to control the pain for right then and it worked a little bit until the muscle spasms started; then I had to take an Ativan. These were pretty bad muscle spasms and eventually they passed. See I only have to deal with the pain for part of the day or evening; it's not constant as it used to be. I still suffer in pain (mostly in the evening and when I wake up) but at least I don't have to do something constantly. anymore. I'm improving slowly or at least I hope that I am. Sometimes I just don't know for sure.

Well today we had planned to ride our bikes to the Farmer's Market and had all intentions of doing so. Well we woke up in time and were able to make it to the hospital (Lab) for a blood draw and urine analysis just prior to my chemo tomorrow morning at 9am. I had to warn the ladies as usual since I didn't recognize anyone today that I am a very hard stick! Be prepared and get me a butterfly needle!) One woman walked up to me very sympathetically and told me she wished me the best in my battle. She knew I had been fighting for many years and I plan to fight for many more I told her! My honey came up right behind me as she was bandaging me up (my she was fast!) and kissed my forehead. He was so loving towards me and made me so proud to have this handsome man waiting for me here. Then I had to do the urine thingy and we were done!)

Well we got home from the hospital and got ready to get me off the feeding machine an hour early. After getting off the TPN we just drove to the Farmer's Market to meet up with some of Jimmy's friends from the local pub. The Market closes at 1pm and we would not have made it in time had we rode the bikes. (yes we overslept and got our day started rather late!) but we slept in together!) We got to the market and got mostly fruit; I didn't get my usual Vegan and Gluten Free Rasberry, Poppyseed, Creamcheese Muffin, but I did get a Blue Berry Cream Cheese Muffin for tomorrow! Yes, I still get to eat some of the fattening fun things as long as I chew it carefully and mindfully and drink plenty of water. Some stool softeners won't hurt either!)

We stopped and had lunch at this Irish Bar and watched part of the Packer Game with Jimmy's sweet friends; I had a kid's pasta portion which was very simple for me to eat and caused my tummy hardly any pains. The Packers were kicking ass so my hubby was happy and I was happy too! We were spending another fun day together! We even went to a few bike shops to look at cruisers for my honey. He had spent hours on the internet the night before checking out Beach Cruisers; so this will be fun; having him test and ride the cruisers to see the difference and maybe even the excitement of getting one. They are handmade here in the United States; so here's to helping out our local economy!)

After wards, we headed back home and I took my neighbor's daughter out for a cruise on the bikes. She rode her little bike and is still learning how to ride. She can't turn for some reason and it's hard for me to tell her how to turn. Now she is 14 years old, has had brain surgery for Cancer and is a 10 year survivor now; that she just celebrated a clear scan. I have no idea why it is so hard but I am unable to teach her how to look where she would like to go; instead she looks at where she doesn't want to go and sometimes she has these little crashes in fear. They don't look so pleasant but I'm being very patient with her. I try to show her how easy it is on my bike just by riding around and still she does the same thing, she rides straight and then when she needs to turn; she slams on the brakes and nearly crashes. I tried to keep telling her to look where she would like to go and instead she keeps on looking where she wants to crash and does just that? It was a little frustrating and I'm hoping she gains some more trust in me teaching her to ride. She did make some tiny baby steps today and almost went in a complete circle at the church parking lot (it was mostly empty).

My poor honey can't really ride that well with me since the stupid bike seat hurts his ass (it's not at all comfy) and I go too slow. He has the mountain bike that requires speed; it's not at all for cruising. No matter what; I'm getting stronger and stronger this week and will work on riding my bike since I am doing much better at this than walking. Here's to more healing and getting stronger!)

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Saturday, August 22, 2009

A Good Picc Line and working TPN for now....

I'm still taking Blue Belle out daily to play with her friend Tess and it sure helps to see her running and playing and having lots of fun. Both me and Judy (Tess's Mom) both are having problems getting around and by our dogs being able to run and play together helps us immensely. She just had knee surgery and me & my abdominal surgeries and my heavy turtle pack don't exactly make it easy for me to do the usual 45 minute walks. I can do 10-15 minutes and then the pain becomes too much for me to bear. OK sometimes my turtle shell may not be that heavy but in the beginning of the feedings it sure feels like it!

As for the problems we were having with the TPN, we were able to go in to the infusion center to program the new TPN food dispense thing and to check my Picc line to make sure it wasn't starting to mess up. It's all working but the nurses had given my husband a very old technique in only using the purple line for food and not switching the two up so that they both can work. It doesn't really matter that you use the same or different Picc lines for food, chemo, IV fluids, or blood draws. What a relief. We got everything working; I'm back to gaining weight. I only got down to 108.5 and last night I weighed in at 114.5! Yippeee! I'm so glad to finally be gaining weight again. I really am yoyo dieting at it's finest!). I definitely do not mean to! We did 2 days of me not really getting fed and finally a couple of days where the feeding has gone through. Oh I can't wait until I can actually eat real food again and not have to depend on intravenous feeding most of the time!) One day soon I hope! I can't wait to eat some sushi, Thai, or Indian food! I miss it all!

Now I was also told that the reason I was feeling that intense vein pain (where it felt as if my vein was being ripped out); it's probably from the chemo, but the Picc line can be good for years and years. Oh god I hope I don't have to wear it that long!( I will be sure to remind the doctor that I do plan to go snowboarding (this season) and will not risk that. I did away with swimming for the whole summer (only got to go twice) and even sacrificed the hot tub too. I can't sacrifice a whole good season of snowboarding. I'm just not willing to budge on that. No way! No How! A summer spent mostly in the hospital it seems but I am so glad to be out! My whole summer was also spent in serious, serious pain but at least I have the drugs (I'm not thrilled at all to have to depend on them). I hate drugs but they do serve a purpose in my quality of life.

I'm finally gaining some weight but I'm still experiencing quite a bit of pain still. I've cut down on using pain medications and have even tried to use the Percocets rather than the liquid morphine just to see if my intestines are able to process and they were temporarily. It worked pretty good on the breathtaking pain for a few hours (the extreme pains that I usually get in my gut = where I've been cut open all those times).

Well here is another photo of me getting my chemo. I look pretty sick here and I was feeling a bit under the weather that day. I'm feeling much better now. I do try to get more photos of myself for the blog but it's very hard when I happen to be the photographer.

I have been having the worst wee wee pains ever! So incredibly unpleasant and my doctor says that this is yet another a side effect of the chemo. It might be kinda funny for some to see me go pee; I squeal quite loudly sometimes; say a few curse words and almost jump off the toilet quite entertainingly from the pain in my pee pee hole. It sucks and it hurts pretty bad! I get bladder and kidney infections so easily having this rod in my pee line (ureter). Don't get me wrong; I am so very, very, very, very grateful that I can pee. So what if it's hillarious to watch; I can piss!) I'm not peeing in a bag anymore!) Thank the GOOD LORD for that!) Well, in addition I even got the feeling of cramps that felt exactly like menstrual pain which I haven't felt in quite a while; that just made me even more tired and lethargic and therefore not feeling like doing much. I just didn't want to move with that kind of pain; just lay around and sleep which it seems I have done all week long. Yesterday was Monday and today is Saturday. Wow! I did get out for a few walks, some house cleaning, laundry, and that's about it. It's so much better to be here at home and to be able to do just a little if possible.

Time keeps on passing so incredibly fast. August is almost over; just like that. I also found out that my disability has been approved finally!) I might be getting a check this month or next month; we will see. I haven't had any money since June and my poor honey has been having to support me, pay the full mortgage, groceries, electric, Homeowner Association fees and so much more. Our poor bank account has been drindling slowly and slowly but we should be OK once I start getting my checks again. When we have two incomes we are better able to save; but without the two; our bills are more than just one income. The two of us are a team and we work together and have always paid bills together.

Well that just means lots of cuts will have to be made just like everyone else is doing. I do love to support our economy more than anything and to hopefully be a part of keeping jobs here. I'm not buying anything made in China or other countries where they abuse workers (take advantage of). So when I am out shopping; I pay particular attention to where items I buy are made. Thank GOD food is usually made here.

This is the first time in a long time where I'm not bringing in any income. I have always held a job since I was very young (14); so as you can imagine me not working in so many months has been incredibly difficult on me as well. I have always had hard work instilled in me at such a young age; where if you want something; you have to work hard for it. So many kids grow up thinking everything they need will grow on trees and mom and dad will always be there to bail them out and to get them what ever they desire. When you give kids everything they want, spoil them and so on; they eventually become a burden to society. That's the hard truth as I see it. We all need to pull our weight in this world; do something useful for society or something that will benefit more than just yourself. Sometimes I do feel guilty having to be on disabilty but I have worked hard most of my life for this and deserve this time to heal. I certainly couldn't be expected to work hard right now; only on healing and doing small things around the house.

Well, I haven't been watching the news lately because of how disgusted I have become with corporate greed and all the lying to the public. It does no good for me to watch any of that and to know the truth because I have researched it. I can't help but have to look everything up to find out the truth; I guess it's that being born in Missouri; I just don't trust everything that I am told in the media. I can't believe everything that I hear on the news at all or what is told to me. Show me it's true! Prove it and to see others so gullible to the lies that are out there angers me. How can they believe crooks or how are these crooks able to get blatant lies our there? How can journalists be so lazy and not find the truth? How can they be bought out to put blatant lies out there? A very good friend of mine told me a few years ago that when someone lies to you; they are essentually taking away a freedom from you; that being your right to know what really happened. I do believe that more and more. So when we are lied to by the media; they are taking away our freedom of knowing the truth and it should anger many.

Today my honey took off my ridiculously huge basket on my bike and we will be going on my first bike ride (since this last surgery) after I am free of the TPN (1:15pm today). Yes, I get to ride my big beautiful bike today and here is a photo of my messy garage, my honey's Harley, his mountain bike, and my Old Lady Bike! I love my Old Lady Bike and worked so hard to get that bike. I had it on layaway for a really long time and finally paid it off around February I think? Check out that huge basket that removed just in front of my bike. I have to get a new thing installed on the front of the bike for my huge awesome head light. I love my bike and can't wait to ride it! I love the brakes in that you pedal backwards to stop. It is a three speed which is about as fast I wish to go.

I will also get to take Miss Blue Belle later on today to her favorite pet store for some food. She is almost out and she loves the brand "Wellness". Her and Tonto are both on the "Healthy Weight" dry food and they absolutely love it! I can't believe there is a food that has such a low fat content (8%); most foods are like 28%. So far both are doing OK on their diets; our neighbor has a really hard time saying "No" to Tonto and yes we are still having some problems getting his weight down. He has hit a plateau and therefore is not loosing any more weight. He has about 2 more pounds to go. I know now that he goes over to visit with our neighbor Nick often and he can be a bit demanding for food; I know it's hard for Nick to say "NO" to Tonto. Tonto just screams and screams most of the day for us to feed him or take him on a walk but the vet has him on a strict portion that he must follow. Tonto is pretty pissed about it but we are determined to get him to loose some more weight. It's not healthy for him to be this overweight. He finally lost enough where he can actually reach his butt to lick it. That used to be a problem; well sometimes Blue Belle will clean it. It's so much better than having those little fudge looking stains on the floors. That's just one of many little things you don't get to hear about having pets and kids can do some nasty things too I'm sure.

I am back to taking Tonto on walks twice a day and that is helping me some too as I get stronger. I used to not have the energy to take him on just one walk. He was just getting a few walks a week. I may even try to swim a little today but I can't do the deep or get my right arm wet. It's all in how I feel in the moment. I will cease many incredibly moments today!) I can't get the Picc line or my right arm wet; but I think I can accomplish that by just walking in the water in order to get stronger. Here's to many more fun days for me and for all! Enjoy every moment where things seem to go good for you!)

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Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Got me a broken feeder.....

I guess that would be the southern way of saying my TPN machine thingy is not pumping out milk like it should be. It is officially broken and I am sitting here waiting to see if this company can bring me another one or I just don't get fed intravenously.

When my honey came home today to unhook me; I was so proud of myself for making a pasta salad for him to die for and an excellent sandwich which included ham, turkey, and fresh bacon. I was very proud to have accomplished all of that but for some reason my back just ached like hell as I was too weak to be carrying around this heavy food bag. It just felt heavier than usual. I had to set the bag down on the floor and just work with the feed line and to make sure that I didn't get tangled in it which I did once and almost fell. (it got hung in the computer chair and scared the living shit out of me thinking I could have easily pulled that picc line right out of my arm).

Well when my husband got home at lunchtime, he wanted to unhook me right away since I had been on the feeder for so long (over 48 hours) I did have about an hour break last night when he felt was well deserved. He really felt bad for me and I had a cry fest most of the day yesterday. Nothing in particular; just feeling sorry for myself and having one of those days. I felt like I was just an ugly turtle with that stupid thing on my back. I felt much better today.

Well during that brief hour of freedom, I got to change my shirt and sponge off with baby wipes. It's a little hard to keep myself clean with the picc line. I'm not allowed to shower or get my arm wet. I'm dealing with it OK; no swimming at all but hopefully I will be able to ride my beautiful bike soon! Well getting back to our horror of checking the bag; only a quarter of the bag had been dispensed to me; so we were essentially throwing away nearly a full bag of food ($3000).

I called the company several times today to let them know that the TPN dispenser is broken and is not dispensing food to me. I am still gaining weight (from my Ganga Tea); I'm up to 113.5. I even tried on some pants and OMG! They were feeling rather snug on me. I even looked in the mirror and I saw a little bottom peering at me from under my t-shirt this morning. It wasn't sagging for once! Wow!

I hope I can discontinue this TPN soon and will be able to handle digesting regular food. I have been pooping up a storm and thank god both ends (pee and poo) are working (Thank god I'm not vomiting anymore!)! I'm so happy to be able to piss and shit! I can't even begin to tell you!) It's such a blessing to be able to do on my own. My body is finally starting to work and I'm so excited! I still get these horrible gas pain blocks that can get pretty painful because I can't just outright fart just yet. Oh the little worries that I have in my life probably pail in comparison to what many of you have to face in your everyday lives.

At least you don't have to worry as much if your intestines are working properly or that you can actually digest your food; take a lovely shit, or just being able to pee. I don't take those gifts for granted anymore no matter how much it might get on my nerves; being in a hospital with an NG tube takes care of those annoyances real quick. I'm thankful for what little bit my body can do. I can kinda sorta take walks but not long ones just yet; I can drive in the car on short trips.

Today is hopefully the last day I will have that feel like shit feeling from the chemo. I felt it more intense yesterday and just a little bit today. Here I am sporting my new hat that I got at chemo. Some very nice lady knitted a bunch of hats for us chemo patients and I was told I could pick which ever one I wanted. I picked this green one in honor of my honey and the Green Bay Packers. Maybe I can get a Packer patch for this hat. It's pretty styley!) It's good kharma and the kind of kharma I like to write about.

I hate to say it but I have to admit that I have been pretty stressed about the news lately. I'm so worried about my President getting killed by some of these psychotic terrorists. That's how I see them. I know they claim to be exercising their right to bear arms but at political rally? That's exactly what I feel they are by brandishing guns out in public; they are exercising their right to be stupid. George Bush would not even allow people with certain t-shirts inside his own political rallies and I highly doubt he even allowed anyone with a gun and now Obama has to accept those with guns and annoying t-shirts. It's really sad. I don't feel that's fair at all.

I can go around just fine in my own neighborhood which is still very sketchy and I still feel safe enough that I don't need a gun everywhere I go.. I feel if you are so paranoid that you feel that you really need a gun in order to go out in public then you must need some medication too. My mom is on some medication for paranoia and it works great for her; perhaps that's exactly what these crazy people need. I think these people are very crazed and are very capable of being cold calculated killers who would love nothing more than to murder the President. They seem to be very ready to kill our president and I see that this is their intention; particularly those who are wearing the T-shirt Timothy McVeigh wore when he was arrested. I know they are somehow exercising a right but to me I don't feel these people are right in their minds in how they are thinking and rationalizing their thoughts.

I'm brave enough to go out in public without a gun; I don't feel that I need one. Chemo is the only weapon I need!) I still believe in the right to bear arms; but when you are fighting a war, out hunting for food, or protecting your home from intruders; that's it. Times have changed and we should not have to worry about crazy people walking around with their concealed weapons. I don't trust them at all. A gun should be kept at home to protect your home and family; not out in public; it's too dangerous; especially at a political rally. People get crazy and many feel a life is worth loss over something that is said. If that gun were only left at home; many would really be safe to exercise free speech. Leave it to the police forces which are trained to protect us. I'm really worried about these wacko's and I pray he doesn't get killed each day; it seems I'm worried more about his life than my own sometimes. I know he wants to help our country and is in tune with those who are middle class and poorer. He grew up poor and I relate to him in that he too suffered from the evils of the health care system with his own mother's death of what is killing me. I hope this health care plan passes and things start to get better. I also hope everyone gets over it and we can all work together to make our country great again.

I hope and pray everyone looks within themselves and really questions what really is true and what is really better for all; not just themselves but for all of us. The sick and dying deserve health insurance too. This is why it's so important to treat others how you would want to be treated. There are so many people out there who have it worse off than we do and in this world we could all use some good kharma. Why not give it?

If you can do just one thing nice for others; it does come back and it also makes you feel better about yourself. I always appreciate when others do such nice things for me; like visits; bringing by books, magazines, cards, phone calls or emails. It's those little things that make all the difference. Sorry to get so political here but it is worrying me and I can't help it. I just don't want anything horrible to happen to him.

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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Just one day less of freedom....

Lately for me; freedom has meant to not be hooked up to anything intravenously; even though I have this pick line that seems to get hung in just about any shirt that I try to put on. I value those little 6 hours of freedom from the TPN so much. Sometimes they are spent sleeping as I haven't had much energy lately but I am still gaining weight and drinking that fabulous tea. I haven't had the need much to use any of the liquid morphine; maybe just once every other day is about all that I have needed. Sometimes I get that feeling of being gutted like a fish and the pain will stop me from getting anything done; I can't breath sometimes when it returns; but I get through it.

I even got through my chemo on Sunday; I slept most of the day away then proceeded to sleep even more on Monday. My honey even came home to unhook me from the feeding machine (TPN) as usual and I had made him a Cobb salad for lunch. I didn't get much done but I was super nauseated (probably from the chemo) and I had severe diarrhea for most of the day; even pooping in my pants just once. How disgusting; but I got through it; didn't kill me but I had to wash a pair of pants 3 - 4 times before I felt they were clean enough. Yes, I got some laundry done on Monday! I was pretty proud of myself for that. Any feat these days seems to be a miracle for me!

Well this morning I quickly realized I would be loosing out on some of that freedom; yes I am a little sad about it; but life will go on with this stupid heavy backpack of food. I was out taking Miss Blue Belle out for her morning walk when the stupid backpack TPN feeder thing just started beeping. The beep was constant, but not terribly loud. I didn't pay it much attention and my honey was in the shower getting ready for work. He was somewhat late as we had overslept just a little bit. Normally he takes the dog on her walk but with the time constraints; I took her instead and the beeping just continued throughout the walk.

When we got back, my honey was just about to head out the door and I told him the "the thing is beeping". We all know what that means so he stopped what he was doing and came over to inspect. To our horror; it had never begun the feeding from last night. I was hooked to it all for nothing and no warning at all. Just the time last night when I was hooked to it; I picked up the heavy back pack to go to the bathroom and it all came out (the foodbag) and I had to hook it back up inside the backpack bag. That was rather annoying to pick up the pack and then the whole bottom; just bottomed out. The food bag and some of the battery stuff. I had to put everything back before going to the bathroom and I had to go bad. Nothing at all indicated anything wrong when I placing everything back. It does make noise as it is feeding me but I don't get why the feeding just seemed to have stopped somehow; but as our program continues; I will get unhooked from this feeding at around 7:30ish and then hooked up to the next feeding. No break in between; just hooked up for over 48 hours to this stupid thing.

I plan to do what I can with this stupid bag on. I still need to pick up Blue Belle's papers from that awful vet's Office where I get treated less than. I hate to see how they will treat me now that I am wearing this unfashionable feeding bag. It's not even a Gucci feeding bag; gee I wonder if they will even have time for me or do I need to come back another time to pick the paperwork? I do hope this is the last time I ever have to stop there again. We will see.

Well I got that done and they didn't even fill out the right portion of the form; what ever; I give up. I'm not going back there again. I got home with out any problems and then on to the grocery store for some groceries with my heavy backpack in tow. Life goes on despite having to wear this thing everywhere.

It does wear me out physically and I am a little worried about the vein in my right arm where the pick line is. It burns and sometimes it aches and feels as if the vein is being ripped right out of my arm. Yes, it's very sore and I can barely use my right arm most of the time. Good thing I am left handed.

Blue Belle got to play with her best friend Tess this evening as she has been most evenings. I still don't have a whole lot of energy to go on long walks with her nor can I even throw the ball for her. Here is Tess drenching Blue Belle with kisses on her face. Blue Belle is so sweet and patient that she allows this all the time. It's awesome the two of them can run and play together on these days. It's been wearing out Blue Belle and she needs to have those good runs with her buddy.

We can't always take Blue Belle on really long walks and these little romps seem to help her a lot with her energy. She's still a great dog and so patient with us. She understands the deal so well. She knows how it is for me and that I'm not the way that I used to be. She knows there will be those days where I will be able to take her farther and to toss the frisbee as we used to do so well together. This battle with the food, gaining weight, surgeries, and chemo will pass soon enough and I will be soaring down a mountain in no time at all, riding my bike, or out hiking with my dog!

I still dream of those days and those good days I have had this year get me by these tough times. I really felt like a turtle today with this stupid apparatus on my back and tonight we are just changing the bag; no release and recall from freedom; I will get that freedom tomorrow where I can do more with my time and not have to be plugged in. All day long I survived being plugged in all day long and will continue to do so. I get confused at times when getting off the couch and today was no different. I almost got up with out checking first but Blue Belle was quick to get right in front on me and that's how I remembered being plugged in.

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Saturday, August 15, 2009

The strength continues with my Southern style tea....

Each day has been a blessing to me as I continue to feel stronger and stronger. I have my honey by my side taking such good care of me; what more could I ask for? I am able to go outside and even drive my car; so that's a blessing enough too! It's just the small things like these in life that I have so much to be thankful for. I could very well not be here today and I'm so incredibly thankful to have survived all that I have.

I really thought that I wouldn't make it last week. It was so scary and I try not to think about it, but I can't help but feel that I am so lucky to have survived when I really thought I was going to die. I still think back to those very painful moments when the nurse was seemingly waiting for me to die instead of bringing me much needed pain medication (OK enough) but I remember breathing as hard and strong in order to stay alive and going through this week I still can't believe that I was able to do just that! I'm still alive!).
Well most of this week I have been struggling to gain some weight and it has been seemingly impossible for me to do. Every time I would eat anything; my intestines would start going crazy within 45 minutes and out that extra weight and calories would go! How frustrating. It sucks that I have to eat all this soft shit (some of it even looks like shit = most of the baby food) that I am required to eat (yogurt, babyfood, applesauce) and it all seems to just come out almost immediately and almost look almost exactly like what I had just eaten. Now that's pretty appetizing; but at least I can eat?) I'm so sick of not being able to eat real food!(.

I had a few minor accidents with my bowels going on minor errands. I went to the Dog Park right behind the Hardware store and almost had a pooper accident. While Blue Belle was doing her business (I guess watching her might have triggered it). OK you had a good day and I still had a good day even though I nearly shit my pants a few times in a day. I got through it and it wasn't so bad. I was going to try to make it back to the vet's office for Blue Belle's ID papers but couldn't on that day. I went home and suffered in immense pain and had to pull out the liquid morphine. I was lucky that I even got to just go on that small errand. I got what I needed from the Hardware store and used their bathroom several times. Blue Belle was so patient each time I had to hurry to the bathroom and my poor bum! She knows the routine quite well and can usually get me to the bathroom pretty quick with out any interceptions. It was so incredibly sore!

It was such a hot day each day this week and Miss Blue Belle put up with it each day we had together.

I found out not too long ago the Shelties' fur keeps them cool in the summer and warm in the winter so she doesn't always seem to suffer too much in the heat. Brushing her is all the fun of have a Sheltie. If I don't have any hair; I can always brush hers and with her by my side; she can be my hair!) Being a long haired dog many have been wondering why I have one in this heat and have not shaved her. The truth is; I can't. She has very light skin and would end getting sunburned or get skin cancer.

Well the following day I finally was able to make it to the vet's office to try to finish up the paperwork for Blue Belles state ID. I almost pooped my pants there waiting and waiting; it almost happened but I was able to control myself there! I had to have the vet fill out some paperwork on my dog that she indeed is up to date on all of her shots (paid a fortune to them in June for that) and then a signature by the vet that she isn't dangerous or a threat to Society. I brought along her Canine Good Citizen document. I made it through all of that and I know that pooping my pants never killed me. I wasn't even going to get scared that it would happen; I had Blue Belle with me scratching my leg and reminding me that she's there and to pet her. It helped to get my mind off of the muscle spasms from the countless surgeries done back there. I may have mentioned it before but I do happen to have tiny little metal staples right in my asshole! It blows my mind sometimes; but most of the time I find it funny. It just adds to my funny personality. How pleasant is that; and that can get quite painful indeed. Talk about hemorrhoid pain!

Normally I like to refrain from talking about Bad Kharma here but this time I just can't help myself. I have already had to drive over to this particular vet's office twice in just two days. That vet's office is Lawrence Pet Hospital and I'm pretty upset with them. Well they do charge me a fortune on my vet bills and I am done with them just for that. Karma does come around and when you treat your clients the way that they have treated me; you get tired of being treated that way and you go elsewhere to be treated better and more fairly.

They have charged me hundreds of dollars more (on a single visit) than the new place I am now taking Blue Belle and Tonto on just one trip. I could pay $600 more for a teeth cleaning for both but I chose not to. I didn't realize I tossed away over $200 for both their shots too! Tonto's tooth cleaning was going to cost me over $400 but I was able to get it done for less than $250. Since Blue Belle got all of her vaccinations and all here in June, I needed to get this form signed by them for her state ID as a Service Dog for me. My doctor already approves of how she is for me and the amount of therapy she provides for me.

Now I do know that most of the front desk people could see for themselves that I am not getting around as good as most of their clients; I felt strongly that I got treated less than par. I had just so happened to have forgotten to print up from the Justice Department concerning service dogs and instead of a nice front desk girl who could have easily printed it up for me (as I guided her to the correct website (I even had it on Blue Belle's Blog); she had this smirk on her face as she told me "NO I can't help you; I'm too busy" with out any eye contact. She missed out and didn't get to check out Blue Belle's blog and all my hard work that is worthy of her printing it off my own blog which does tell her and the vet that I do know and respect the law.

Everything these days seems so impersonal. We should all care about one another. I guess it must have looked like I had that disease anorexia nervosa and therefore needed a dog to remind me to eat? Hey that's a good one. Yes, she made me go back home and print it and then bring it back the next day. The way the girl told me was very snide and uppity (annoying chiding voice). What's with that? What a waste I thought.

I could not believe how snotty this girl behind the counter was towards me as I asked her if she would mind please printing it up for me so that I don't have to go all the way home? All she would have to do was to go to the website where it is available to all and print it up. She said "NO I will not do that; you have to go home and print it and bring it back". I can actually laugh at how ridiculous this girl was in her commands. Her voice was rather immature sounding as if she were young and just wanted to exert some power over someone. (yes it was Saturday Night Live) I guess I'm a good target for that. What ever she does; she will never ruin my day; just bringing herself bad karma along the way in how she treats others. She had this smirk on her face as she looked at the computer as she was saying that to me. So busy she could multi-task just like that as she was talking with me. OK I am a nut for wanting some eye contact and more time spent with me because I do deserve it.

I could actually see that she was really getting off on being a bitch to me. Well good for her I guess. I didn't realize I could make others feel so good to use their power of authority? What ever! We are allowed to feel that way towards others if they do much just to annoy us. I would still give her another chance to prove herself and over and over again and hopefully one day she will get it right (how to treat others) since she is so young. All lives are worth waiting for no matter what; and I was taking up time to wait for and I didn't owe any money for this service.

I can tell that I obviously look and appear like a person who would need a service dog. If you ask me; everyone deserves a service dog. They really do relieve stress. Just having her around makes everyone around me more peaceful and loving. Blue Belle is the Peace and love Princess! I have no problem with the stereotype at all; I'm just very happy and grateful just to be alive and I do know my life is worth waiting for. Well I did have these two tubes hanging out of my arm (my honey has to flush both of them 4 x's each = now that is love right there); I definitely look like a skeleton and she can't help me and almost looks as if she is getting some personal enjoyment in all this the fact that she can't help me? I just couldn't get over that evil little smirk on her face (it seemed like one to me) when she got the power to be able to tell me NO and that I would need to go back home and get what I needed when she could have easily printed it up for me. She would like for me to go all the way home and come back. I brought her Canine Good Citizen papers from the American Kennel Association. What power!

I know I have paid them thousands of dollars over the years of over charged and excessive vet bills and to print up 1 sheet of paper on the internet was too much for me to ask for? Go to my cute dog's blog; (now that would have been a fun experience for her and she missed out on that!), and print up the form next to her cute face!) Well this definitely reinforces what comes around goes around for me. You can't do a nice a favor for someone and you treat them less than?

So I had to come back the very next day with it and then the girl was very snotty back to me again and said "we have to look this over overnight before we can sign it; looking downward as she said this; you're going to have to wait" (just like "Sorry!") and I was actually on my way to my Psychiatrist office right after this visit so that I could get the rest filled out all while picking up a medication at the very same location which was across town.

Well to me this is going to be taken as giving me more days to get this done than needed. Oh I was annoyed with that little brat. No worries; I will be able to fax my doctor who backs me up 110% on my medication = Blue Belle. She said she will fill it out and fax back to me ASAP. I believe in my Psychiatrist; she really is wonderful. Oh how thankful I am to still be insured and to have those great caregivers. You have to be thankful when you get a person who truly cares about you and your life. The insurance that we have is a total blessing. It is a blessing and I hope it lasts. I have been with out health care most of my life and to have it the whole time I am going through this crap is a luxury that I will never ever take for granted.

OK back to the vet's office visit: I asked the girl (behind the desk) kindly "are you sure that the vet can't look this over soon and I can sit here and wait for a little bit? (take 2 minutes of time and read over the 1 page document and then sign the form)? " She told me "NO" you may come back later to pick these forms up.

Oh the look on her face that she got to exert some more power over me! Wow! She was very happy to be able to do that and to tell me "No, you have to wait!" I could just see the smirk on her face when she got to say "NO" to me. It's almost as if she doesn't believe that I really need a Service Dog or she feels somehow that I'm not really disabled enough to have one. It's really none of her business but I just was overwhelmed a bit by her and the other girls in front. They seemed to be very, very judgmental. I was too poor and therefore I was trash so I needed to be treated as if I am trash. Yes, today's budgets for all the same bills takes up more of a percentage of my check as opposed to someone exceptionally wealthy. I'm doing the best that I can with this illness and no amount of money will ever make me feel less than. I do have love and that to me is worth more than any amount of money! I'm very wealthy with love and that should account for something!)

Those were, the good old days when I worked for such a nice sweet vet and a great team of workers; we always watched each others back and took care of each other. We made sure we all laughed together and sometimes with the patients but we were very compassionate towards all; less tolerance for those who were cruel to their pets. It would break our hearts to see any animal suffer and were more than willing to help out all who needed it. They were all worth our time. We would help all pets that we could and make it as easy as possible for others to be able to take care of all pets. They did this for my mom especially and I will never forget all the great things they did for her in her efforts to raise wild animals. They didn't break her too much; she was able to comfortably pay those bills.

We just wanted to help. This photo here doesn't at all demonstrate how it was when I worked there. We were busy all the time and didn't have the time to pose that way. I so wished I had photos from way back then. I wished I had a good camera for those days! We were all enthusiastic about what we did for others and that was to help sick & healthy animals. how we treated clients much, much more different. We treated them as human beings with feelings and for those who demonstrated a true love for their animals and provided a good home for them; they got an extra discount.

The girl in the photos kinda sorta looks a little like me when I was much, much younger; only my hair was a little more blond and I had those big blue eyes. We never judged anyone and when someone couldn't afford to pay their bill; we would knock what we could off the bill (billing was based on income meaning that those who made less often had to pay less = it was a percentage based on income: we did not believe in breaking anyone so that they too could pay their bills just everyone else; not the way that it is now where billing is based on the most highest income bracket and that's it) and that's how we would make it as reasonable as we could and allowed for monthly payments. Why treat everyone the same because we are not. Some of us don't make as much as the richest in the world. Health care is a right whether it be for humans or for animals and it should not have to break anyone to stay alive. Everything costs money and it should cost money to have money; it should be expected; quit being so greedy and thinking only of yourself. We all have to take care of each other and look out for one another.

It was such a fun job and a few times I got to work the front desk but I never ever treated anyone less than at any job I have ever work at. I appreciate all from others and enjoy learning about them and what they offer the world. That's the most fascinating thing to learn is about people and their feelings about things. I never got off on a power trip with anyone. It's not in my nature to be that way and I don't get why some people have to be that way. Most people don't feel anyone's life is worth waiting any amount of time for; they often. Waiting in traffic or in line I honestly would loose sleep and worry about the feelings of someone else that I have mistreated.

These girls were being very, very shallow and I bet if they walked a mile in my shoes their attitudes would definitely change. That's why I am so glad to have this blog and I hope it changes many lives and encourages others to be nicer to each other. Treat others the way that you would want to be treated. We are not all the same. Greed, Power, and Money are the evils in this world and we need less of that; more Love!)

Well I will have pick it up Blue Belle's papers tomorrow afternoon right before I have my scheduled chemo at 2:15pm. After that I won't ever have to deal with Lawrence Pet Hospital and their bad kharma ever again!) I will never ever go back there again and be treated that way! No Way. After getting reprimanded by the front desk clerk at the vet's office; I was able to continue on with my day and go get my blood test done right across the street at the huge hospital and Miss Blue Belle was such a good little Service Dog in her vest yesterday. She made me so proud.

There was a woman that I absolutely love working the front desk at the lab. She always makes eye contact with me and talks to me like I'm a real human being. I feel like I'm a part of her family; she was touched by my romantic story of how my honey proposed to me again as I was slowly waking up from my very first surgery. She knows the love we share and that we are very good cool people. She knows I am a tough stick and a tough, tough woman = chick!) and will always make sure that someone is back there who will be gently with my fragile veins. Someone has been praying for my veins to be strong and they sure looked strong that day. I got compliments on my veins? Wow! How awesome is that? I have never gotten compliments on my veins. What on earth would cause my veins to start looking better. I was able to get an easy stick this time? Someone prayed for me to have good veins and I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart!)

I also got to wash Miss Blue Belle in the bathtub and now she is so very soft and pretty now! Her hair just flowed gorgeously everywhere we went! All the smiles that were happening in all directions we walked made me feel so much better after the undignifying visit to the vet's office. I allowed several elderly women to just dig in in her fur since she nicely brushed, soft as a bunny rabbit, and just yummy for the cute and pretty factor! She was a fresh clean doggie that didn't smell at all like dirty doggie! How happy these ladies were to love on such a soft pretty, nicely fragrant dog.

While we were standing in line at the Campbell Pharmacy so many people were fascinated by this beautiful working dog. She was completely business like in her little business suite (Service Dog Vest) and her beautiful Blue and white fur just flowing gently as she walked by. She was a site for many! Her ears remained perfectly flipped through out to bring out more cuteness along with her perfectly little chiseled face!) OK she always makes me smile!) I would say the long line for many who had to stand behind us; didn't feel it was a long enough wait at all for us to pick up my medications. That dog was just so fascinating and beautiful to look at. She was a fashion star of the moments spent waiting in line.

Another thing is that since I had not been gaining any weight; I am now thanks to my miracle Southern Style tea. I just made my first batch of Cannabis Tea. I altered the recipe a bit so here is my recipe for what I will coin "Tea Weed" or "Weed Tea" which ever you prefer. It's my personal recipe for life saving tea.

1- Fill up the kettle with filtered water & 1 tbsp of butter
2- Bring to a nice boil
3- Add a cup and half of shake (cannabis leaves & stems)
4- Add about 2-4 teabags of your favorite tea bags
5- Let it all steep for about 30 minutes (for hot) to an hour (for cold)
6- Strain the water (I used a paper towel and a rubber band over the pitcher or mouth of glass) and pour into pitcher or glass
7- add plenty of honey or sugar to taste
8- Add some ice to a glass, pour and enjoy! You can also enjoy it hot too! Wow! Yummy! Be prepared to drink lots of water! It will clean my kidneys tomorrow.

I don't need any kidney problems and the nausea will be under control. Imagine that "Tea Weed" that helps me survive. It's safe in that I am drinking tea and I don't feel any pain for several hours. It's awesome! I wish I could make this for other patients who need it most.

Since enjoying this tea yesterday, I have been mostly pain free, drinking lots of water and Gator-aid and I had the munchies all day long. I was snacking on all kinds of things that were good for me through out the day. All week long I have been teetering on 105- 106.5 and nothing more. I was so sad that I just couldn't get myself to gain any weight. Well last night I was up to 110.5! Yippeee!) This morning 109.5 and I didn't have the need to do any liquid morphine which is awesome! I didn't have to smoke it but boy that tea was so delicious! My honey just tried a taste of it and it was too strong for him. I think it works much better for us Cancer patients or those of us in severe pain situations. Let's hope the pain finally subsides and I don't have to take anything for pain one day soon!

Well I already mentioned that I really love the fact that I get to go outside with Blue Belle and that I'm not still stuck in the hospital (what an understatement that is!) as I was 1 week ago today. I photographed this poor little bee today on our walk today. Sometimes I like to challenge myself and photograph these tiny things in nature that I find fascinating.

At the end of the year since 2003, I have been making movies for my family of all the photos that I take through out the year just to let them know we are OK, dealing with what we are dealing with in the best ways that we can, we are living and still having lots of fun together. We do have a lot of fun together despite all that we endure. I have to do my yearly movie for my family; Well since 2006 I believe I have been including all of my weird photos taken that year and am always setting the slide show to trippy music. I have so many things to do and film making is one of them. I will try to video tape my next chemo just to see what goes on during a normal chemo treatment. We will see! Hope you enjoyed this post as much as I did writing it... Thank you all for your prayers, good, positive thoughts and much more! I feel the love!)

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
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