WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Friday, August 7, 2009

A Nightmare Return to the Hospital..

Well I spent all night long in the ER dealing with trying to get medicated in time for the pain waves to start and then finally at 6:30am I am was finally taken to my room on the 4th floor; an area where nurses are assigned patients at a rate of 1 nurse per 5 patients where as before it was only 2-3 patients on the 2nd floor. I had the slowest nurse on the planet and not at all the brightest; she meant well but she did not at all understand or comprehend that I was indeed suffering in the highest levels of pain. I guess she just thought that I was just some psychotic drug addict and was screaming because I needed drugs.

I remember screaming and crying in my room screaming for help and no call button to be seen. I was very lucky to have a roommate who was able to call a nurse to help me get a puke bucket and nothing else. All of a sudden I puked out a bunch of green shit and it just kept coming in waves; my insides were feeling as if they were being torn and ripped up; I almost felt as if I had ripped a staple; puke was even coming out of my nose and I could not breath; more puke was coming as as the puke was coming out of my mouth I yelled "Help! Help! Please help me!" I was so scared and I thought I was dying from such severe pain. My stomach was cramping like no other and tears were just streaming down my eyes. It had already been over half hour with out anything for pain.

My nurse finally came in with very disheveled hair kind of brushed all over the place; she looked like an older Chinese woman; she appeared in shock after I showed her my stomach which was swelled up and had multiple staples going down my stomach and I asked if she could please examine them in case some had ripped out.

I think it freaked her out and she hurried out of the room; she didn't want to see me any more; I guess she wanted to just let me die in peace. I was hoping and praying that she was going to call the doctor on call to get me something for pain but nothing at all from this nurse. She tried her best to forget that I even existed even as I yelled and screamed in pain. It was like it must have been like normal times on the 4th floor of Kaiser Hospital, Santa Clara; that one loud patient that is often ignored; no matter how loud their pleas for help must be.

I finally found the call button and kept calling her for pain meds and each time she came in; she told me that the doctor had in the computer that I was to be on a PCN and we had to wait for the pharmacy to get that unit ready. Nothing could be done; she didn't have the ability to call the doctor for more meds; she was too busy to do that. She acted just like it would be like 2 minutes more of waiting each time; "it's on the way!" she would tell me. She didn't tell me that it would be another 3 hours of waiting and in the mean time I begged her to just get me some form a pain shot; anything to stop this pain. It was a 10 and I was suffering needlessly. The whole time I was suffering in this pain; I was trying so hard to breath and to stay alive because it really seemed that death was right around the corner. I wanted to do everything I could to survive this horrible pain. I called the operator, then patient relations to see if I still had health insurance. I was so desparate. Nothing at all could be done to help me because I was just a number to all of them; I even tried to call OBGYN Oncology just prior to 9am when the pain had gotten even worse. It was about a 12 and I could barely talk on the phone; I pleaded with the nurse on the phone to please send me a doctor that could help me.

As far as I was concerned; I was going through some cruel and unusual punishment for a patient to have to endure. I hope to GOD that Obama's Healthcare bill passes so that I can have more options for treatments and that things change from the way that they are. I can see as a patient areas needed for change; where patients are treated as Medical Record Numbers and not as actual breathing life. I really do hope it does pass for my life's sake and I'm sure countless others. I am not a huge fan of the misinformation campaign that is going on from these Health Insurance Companies that are fighting tooth and nail and using their all mighty power of the dollar to misinform the public about this Health Plan. This is a very good plan and great start needed for America.

I have this small feeling in the bottom of my heart that this HMO set up might just be waiting for me to kick the bucket and that sounds bad but it could just be what is happening to me right now and that really is a reality. I'm a burden on the system and I know this because of my pre-existing condition and chronic condition. I pray that my life is worth saving. What they don't know if what a fighter I am and I will fight tooth and nail to stay alive; I'm young and I will do everything in my power to survive this; I don't care how much pain I have to endure; I have so much to live for and so much to give to this huge world.

Well back to getting to my room; my nurse was treating me just like I was inside that computer and not just sitting here crying and screaming in pain. My level far exceeded a 10 and to make me suffer for 3 and half hours in pain while she was waiting for a box; I pleaded and begged her or anyone to just PLEASE give me a shot of morphine or something just to get rid of the pain right now rather than to have me wait for them to set up the box and of course the Pharmacy was taking a long time to get the box. It was hours before that box would even arrive and no one was willing to help me simply because in the computer the doctor had order a PCN for me to manage the pain. Well the trouble was no PCN and it wouldn't be one for many hours to come. I had suffer all those hours.

My eyes were literally rolling back in my head at this point and my poor room mate (same woman from downstairs in ER) was completely worried about me. She was shocked that nothing was being done for my pain. I kept calling the nurse and each time she would reply; the pain medication is on the way. I even got myself out of bed and tried to collapse in the hallway just to get some attention and this didn't even phase anyone on this floor. One nurse came over and helped me back to my bed as I pleaded with her to please call a doctor so that I could please get some relief from this extreme pain.

I was suffering in what I felt was cruel and unusual punishment to be going through that kind of pain and nothing to be done about it at all for several hours. I was amazed; not a care in the world about my pain. the box finally arrived just after 10am it took about 1/2 an hour for those nurses to figure out how to set it up in the mean time I was crying and going into convulsions from the extreme pain I was in. I was ready to pass out at this moment; tears were streaming down my face as it felt as if my intestines were being blown up.

Finally the box was hooked up and about 15 minutes later I was able to get my pain level under control; I was so happy. The forgetful nurse had to be reminded at least 4 times for everything that I needed.

My doctor finally made it to my room after 11 am when I had to go to the restroom pushing 3 different IV poles which was very hard in my condition. I made it though and one of the nurses was helping me to try to get rid of items not needed and consolidate everything onto one pole instead of 3.

My doctor informed me that according to the CAT scan I had taken earlier in the morning while in ER; my intestines were indeed very inflamed and he felt that the pain meds were simply not being absorbed into my system and therefore that is the reason that the pain was just out of control. Our goal for this stay; I have to be able to eat, shit, fart, and have the pain under control which should only take a few more days of being in here. I didn't get to tell him of the hell I had gone through this morning and I had forgotten to tell him to call my husband who just happened to be very ticked about me going home so early while I was in so much pain. It was as if they were in a hurry to get rid of me. He decided that he would put me on a pain patch and some liquid morphine to better control the pain. I would also be taking a suppository later on to hopefully wake-up my bowels. He told me that he would also put Ativan on my list of drugs to be able to have access to or to have a constant order for as needed.

Well I took the the Suppository about an hour later and then of course the muscle spasms began at around 1:45pm. I told my forgettful nurse Helen that I needed to get an Ativan to control the spasms and she insisted that I push the button on my PCA pump. That was not the case at all. I was having muscle spasms and it was just like talking to a brick wall in order to get the Ativan. She ignored the order that was already in the computer and insisted on calling my doctor first rather than pay attention to what was already in the computer. She finally got in touch with my doctor at around 4pm after I had been suffering in horrible horrible pain. To be quite honest; my poor butthole has been sliced, diced, staples, sewed and is full of scar tissue and the muscle spasms get to be so incredibly painful that I can barely stand it. I kept having to run to the bathroom and sometimes it felt as if I were ripping apart stitches inside me as the uncontrollable spasms continues. Here we go again, with this slow ass nurse.

Finally at 4:30pm the pharmacy had my Ativan ready after over 2 hours of agony. I kept pleading with her all those hours to please follow the order that was already in the computer but since I was just a dumb patient and a crazy drug addict; I didn't know anything. Hell I'm just a medical record number. I was just acting like I was in pain. Un-freaking believable! I couldn't believe this woman; just allowing me to suffer in pain like this needlessly. I tried hard to call other doctors while she was slow about calling mine. I needed help and I didn't get it when I needed it. It was absolutely rediculous to have to happen again.

My poor roommate had to put up with quite a bit from me and could barely get any sleep from my screaming and crying and I really felt bad about that. I continued to appologize to her and she totally understood my side of the story and was shocked herself that I was allowed to suffer in such extreme pain for so long. It was ridiculous.

It was around lunchtime when my sweet neighbor Sharon came by to visit me and make me feel much better. I was also happy to be talking with a very sweet roommate who happened to be very compassionate and understanding. While we both had very different diseases; we both had to be on chemo like drugs to keep us alive. Sharon had told me that her son had seen the ambulance taking me last night and was worried all night about me. I was doing much better and the pain was finally under control. She first asked me if there was anything she could get me and I did tell her that I didn't have good TP and she promised that she would give me the best pedicure ever tomorrow. I can't wait! What wonderful friends to be thankful for and I'm so glad I faught so hard to live through my ordeal. It really did almost seem as if I were going to die and faught hard the whole time. I have to live in the moment and be thankful for right now and I am. I'm very thankful for all the love I have in my life right now from so many.

Well I paid Ann back somewhat for my troubles; well Jimmy did. He brought in Miss Blue Belle to cheer us all up. Blue Belle was the perfect therapy for such a rough, rough day. I petted her and loved on and so did Ann my roommate. She just lost herself in Blue Belle's soft fur and Miss Blue Belle gave her infamous smile and lots of Blue Belle kisses. Sorry I don't have any photos of this union; didn't have my camera, phone or computer all day long and at that point they were still in the truck. I was so happy my honey remembered to bring what he did to make me feel more comforable during my stay here. How lucky I am to have him in my life. I'm thankful every moment to have him. He was very mad the entire time I was in so much pain. I didn't call him much throughout the ordeal so that I didn't stress him while he was at work. It was already stressful enough, but thank you GOD for getting me through all of that! I was not thankful to have to endure so much pain and I have to admit I did get mad at GOD quite a bit for making me suffer for long. I just didn't understand why it was happening, but it's over now! I made it!)

My husband couldn't stay too long but later on called me back on Skype and we continued to talk about the day and how lucky I am to be alive, how much life is worth fighting for and of course professing our love for one another. We must tell each other that we love each other at least 10 times per day. I can't help it; he is the love of my life and I so happy and very, very grateful to have found him.

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Theresa said...

This is just going to take a minute for you to heal up babe. Don't let this get you down. You have fought so hard, this is just a minor set back due to yet another surgery.
Just give yourself time to heal and you will be back home in no time!
We are thinking about you every day and praying that you heal quickly.
I wish you didn't have to be at that freaking hospital where they are bitches and don't listen to you!!
They piss me off!!!
Take care babe!

coffeemaiden said...

Oh Jayne. It hurts my heart when I read your blog. What an awful way to be treated when you are so sick and in so much pain. All you need is proper care and some time to recover. You are on my mind and in my prayers all the time. We've never met and I feel like I've known you for years. Rest, Sweet Jayne, and get better.

MLO said...

It is little wonder my MIL (an old-fashioned nurse) is so disgusted with the nurses of today. What you described is completely unacceptable. I hate that you experienced that. As good as the nurses I had were, they still only did a "decent" job of pain management. (Granted, with my allergies and morphine intolerance I'm hard. You should have had the morphine you needed!)

My prayers are with you that you get more competent nurses in the future.

WhiteStone said...

Sorry to hear you are back in the hospital. It is so darn difficult to get the bowels working again properly after surgery. Someone could make a zillion bucks if they invented something that works within hours. HMOs are the worst...we are fortunate that we don't have to deal with them here in Iowa. I'm praying that you get will quick and go home soon. Bless you.

nat said...

I've had that feeling often, with the HMO. Luckily (???), I was able to switch to a PPO last year at work. I got better health care, but I owe SO MUCH MONEY!! :(

Oh my gosh - what you've had to go through - its not right and its not fair. I truly hope that you heal quickly and well, so that you don't have to go back for a long, long, long time.

Big hugs as always CJ

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

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