Just one day less of freedom....

Lately for me; freedom has meant to not be hooked up to anything intravenously; even though I have this pick line that seems to get hung in just about any shirt that I try to put on. I value those little 6 hours of freedom from the TPN so much. Sometimes they are spent sleeping as I haven't had much energy lately but I am still gaining weight and drinking that fabulous tea. I haven't had the need much to use any of the liquid morphine; maybe just once every other day is about all that I have needed. Sometimes I get that feeling of being gutted like a fish and the pain will stop me from getting anything done; I can't breath sometimes when it returns; but I get through it.

I even got through my chemo on Sunday; I slept most of the day away then proceeded to sleep even more on Monday. My honey even came home to unhook me from the feeding machine (TPN) as usual and I had made him a Cobb salad for lunch. I didn't get much done but I was super nauseated (probably from the chemo) and I had severe diarrhea for most of the day; even pooping in my pants just once. How disgusting; but I got through it; didn't kill me but I had to wash a pair of pants 3 - 4 times before I felt they were clean enough. Yes, I got some laundry done on Monday! I was pretty proud of myself for that. Any feat these days seems to be a miracle for me!

Well this morning I quickly realized I would be loosing out on some of that freedom; yes I am a little sad about it; but life will go on with this stupid heavy backpack of food. I was out taking Miss Blue Belle out for her morning walk when the stupid backpack TPN feeder thing just started beeping. The beep was constant, but not terribly loud. I didn't pay it much attention and my honey was in the shower getting ready for work. He was somewhat late as we had overslept just a little bit. Normally he takes the dog on her walk but with the time constraints; I took her instead and the beeping just continued throughout the walk.

When we got back, my honey was just about to head out the door and I told him the "the thing is beeping". We all know what that means so he stopped what he was doing and came over to inspect. To our horror; it had never begun the feeding from last night. I was hooked to it all for nothing and no warning at all. Just the time last night when I was hooked to it; I picked up the heavy back pack to go to the bathroom and it all came out (the foodbag) and I had to hook it back up inside the backpack bag. That was rather annoying to pick up the pack and then the whole bottom; just bottomed out. The food bag and some of the battery stuff. I had to put everything back before going to the bathroom and I had to go bad. Nothing at all indicated anything wrong when I placing everything back. It does make noise as it is feeding me but I don't get why the feeding just seemed to have stopped somehow; but as our program continues; I will get unhooked from this feeding at around 7:30ish and then hooked up to the next feeding. No break in between; just hooked up for over 48 hours to this stupid thing.

I plan to do what I can with this stupid bag on. I still need to pick up Blue Belle's papers from that awful vet's Office where I get treated less than. I hate to see how they will treat me now that I am wearing this unfashionable feeding bag. It's not even a Gucci feeding bag; gee I wonder if they will even have time for me or do I need to come back another time to pick the paperwork? I do hope this is the last time I ever have to stop there again. We will see.

Well I got that done and they didn't even fill out the right portion of the form; what ever; I give up. I'm not going back there again. I got home with out any problems and then on to the grocery store for some groceries with my heavy backpack in tow. Life goes on despite having to wear this thing everywhere.

It does wear me out physically and I am a little worried about the vein in my right arm where the pick line is. It burns and sometimes it aches and feels as if the vein is being ripped right out of my arm. Yes, it's very sore and I can barely use my right arm most of the time. Good thing I am left handed.

Blue Belle got to play with her best friend Tess this evening as she has been most evenings. I still don't have a whole lot of energy to go on long walks with her nor can I even throw the ball for her. Here is Tess drenching Blue Belle with kisses on her face. Blue Belle is so sweet and patient that she allows this all the time. It's awesome the two of them can run and play together on these days. It's been wearing out Blue Belle and she needs to have those good runs with her buddy.

We can't always take Blue Belle on really long walks and these little romps seem to help her a lot with her energy. She's still a great dog and so patient with us. She understands the deal so well. She knows how it is for me and that I'm not the way that I used to be. She knows there will be those days where I will be able to take her farther and to toss the frisbee as we used to do so well together. This battle with the food, gaining weight, surgeries, and chemo will pass soon enough and I will be soaring down a mountain in no time at all, riding my bike, or out hiking with my dog!

I still dream of those days and those good days I have had this year get me by these tough times. I really felt like a turtle today with this stupid apparatus on my back and tonight we are just changing the bag; no release and recall from freedom; I will get that freedom tomorrow where I can do more with my time and not have to be plugged in. All day long I survived being plugged in all day long and will continue to do so. I get confused at times when getting off the couch and today was no different. I almost got up with out checking first but Blue Belle was quick to get right in front on me and that's how I remembered being plugged in.