WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Got me a broken feeder.....

I guess that would be the southern way of saying my TPN machine thingy is not pumping out milk like it should be. It is officially broken and I am sitting here waiting to see if this company can bring me another one or I just don't get fed intravenously.

When my honey came home today to unhook me; I was so proud of myself for making a pasta salad for him to die for and an excellent sandwich which included ham, turkey, and fresh bacon. I was very proud to have accomplished all of that but for some reason my back just ached like hell as I was too weak to be carrying around this heavy food bag. It just felt heavier than usual. I had to set the bag down on the floor and just work with the feed line and to make sure that I didn't get tangled in it which I did once and almost fell. (it got hung in the computer chair and scared the living shit out of me thinking I could have easily pulled that picc line right out of my arm).

Well when my husband got home at lunchtime, he wanted to unhook me right away since I had been on the feeder for so long (over 48 hours) I did have about an hour break last night when he felt was well deserved. He really felt bad for me and I had a cry fest most of the day yesterday. Nothing in particular; just feeling sorry for myself and having one of those days. I felt like I was just an ugly turtle with that stupid thing on my back. I felt much better today.

Well during that brief hour of freedom, I got to change my shirt and sponge off with baby wipes. It's a little hard to keep myself clean with the picc line. I'm not allowed to shower or get my arm wet. I'm dealing with it OK; no swimming at all but hopefully I will be able to ride my beautiful bike soon! Well getting back to our horror of checking the bag; only a quarter of the bag had been dispensed to me; so we were essentially throwing away nearly a full bag of food ($3000).

I called the company several times today to let them know that the TPN dispenser is broken and is not dispensing food to me. I am still gaining weight (from my Ganga Tea); I'm up to 113.5. I even tried on some pants and OMG! They were feeling rather snug on me. I even looked in the mirror and I saw a little bottom peering at me from under my t-shirt this morning. It wasn't sagging for once! Wow!

I hope I can discontinue this TPN soon and will be able to handle digesting regular food. I have been pooping up a storm and thank god both ends (pee and poo) are working (Thank god I'm not vomiting anymore!)! I'm so happy to be able to piss and shit! I can't even begin to tell you!) It's such a blessing to be able to do on my own. My body is finally starting to work and I'm so excited! I still get these horrible gas pain blocks that can get pretty painful because I can't just outright fart just yet. Oh the little worries that I have in my life probably pail in comparison to what many of you have to face in your everyday lives.

At least you don't have to worry as much if your intestines are working properly or that you can actually digest your food; take a lovely shit, or just being able to pee. I don't take those gifts for granted anymore no matter how much it might get on my nerves; being in a hospital with an NG tube takes care of those annoyances real quick. I'm thankful for what little bit my body can do. I can kinda sorta take walks but not long ones just yet; I can drive in the car on short trips.

Today is hopefully the last day I will have that feel like shit feeling from the chemo. I felt it more intense yesterday and just a little bit today. Here I am sporting my new hat that I got at chemo. Some very nice lady knitted a bunch of hats for us chemo patients and I was told I could pick which ever one I wanted. I picked this green one in honor of my honey and the Green Bay Packers. Maybe I can get a Packer patch for this hat. It's pretty styley!) It's good kharma and the kind of kharma I like to write about.

I hate to say it but I have to admit that I have been pretty stressed about the news lately. I'm so worried about my President getting killed by some of these psychotic terrorists. That's how I see them. I know they claim to be exercising their right to bear arms but at political rally? That's exactly what I feel they are by brandishing guns out in public; they are exercising their right to be stupid. George Bush would not even allow people with certain t-shirts inside his own political rallies and I highly doubt he even allowed anyone with a gun and now Obama has to accept those with guns and annoying t-shirts. It's really sad. I don't feel that's fair at all.

I can go around just fine in my own neighborhood which is still very sketchy and I still feel safe enough that I don't need a gun everywhere I go.. I feel if you are so paranoid that you feel that you really need a gun in order to go out in public then you must need some medication too. My mom is on some medication for paranoia and it works great for her; perhaps that's exactly what these crazy people need. I think these people are very crazed and are very capable of being cold calculated killers who would love nothing more than to murder the President. They seem to be very ready to kill our president and I see that this is their intention; particularly those who are wearing the T-shirt Timothy McVeigh wore when he was arrested. I know they are somehow exercising a right but to me I don't feel these people are right in their minds in how they are thinking and rationalizing their thoughts.

I'm brave enough to go out in public without a gun; I don't feel that I need one. Chemo is the only weapon I need!) I still believe in the right to bear arms; but when you are fighting a war, out hunting for food, or protecting your home from intruders; that's it. Times have changed and we should not have to worry about crazy people walking around with their concealed weapons. I don't trust them at all. A gun should be kept at home to protect your home and family; not out in public; it's too dangerous; especially at a political rally. People get crazy and many feel a life is worth loss over something that is said. If that gun were only left at home; many would really be safe to exercise free speech. Leave it to the police forces which are trained to protect us. I'm really worried about these wacko's and I pray he doesn't get killed each day; it seems I'm worried more about his life than my own sometimes. I know he wants to help our country and is in tune with those who are middle class and poorer. He grew up poor and I relate to him in that he too suffered from the evils of the health care system with his own mother's death of what is killing me. I hope this health care plan passes and things start to get better. I also hope everyone gets over it and we can all work together to make our country great again.

I hope and pray everyone looks within themselves and really questions what really is true and what is really better for all; not just themselves but for all of us. The sick and dying deserve health insurance too. This is why it's so important to treat others how you would want to be treated. There are so many people out there who have it worse off than we do and in this world we could all use some good kharma. Why not give it?

If you can do just one thing nice for others; it does come back and it also makes you feel better about yourself. I always appreciate when others do such nice things for me; like visits; bringing by books, magazines, cards, phone calls or emails. It's those little things that make all the difference. Sorry to get so political here but it is worrying me and I can't help it. I just don't want anything horrible to happen to him.

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WhiteStone said...

Good morning, Jayne...I agree about the guns...pretty scary to have someone carrying a rifle/handgun at any kind of gathering. Rep or Dem. Just the fact that they are carrying is pretty scary to me. Intimidating. I pray that our country's leaders make wise decisions and pray for their safety as well. And as for you...my goodness, gal, hope your machine is fixed soon. You're right about being happy your innards are working...I had that worry in Jan in the hospital and it was pretty sobering! DH showed me a quote and I paraphrase..."Nothing focuses your thinking as much as a cancer diagnoses." We begin to differentiate quite clearly between the important things in life! And good innards is one of them. LOL (or not LOL for that matter). Anyway, I'm praying God's blessing on you each day...I know you are not a Christian and you know that I am one, but I think you agree with this...if there is a God, then he must be good, and if he is good, then you want his blessing on you. And along with that...you may ask, if he is good, then why cancer? Ah, that takes too long to answer...and I don't know all the answer, but I know enough to know that God is good and in the end, all will be well. You can use the word karma - I call it providence. Either way, I pray that you have good day today and many more tomorrow. It's sunny in Iowa today, pleasant, and I feel good enough to can tomatoes. It's either that or let them rot in the garden and I can't bear to do that. Give Blue a hug. And tell her she's a "good dog". I still think dogs understand language but just aren't allowed (by the Creator) to let on to us. LOL

MFA Mama said...

Dear Jayne,

I have read your blog with great fascination for about a month now (and caught up all the archives too! I love the Blue Belle pictures and your amazing outlook and fighting spirit) since I went for an annual exam and a mass was discovered on one of my ovaries. Thankfully it was benign (although the size of a baseball!) and my doctor was able to remove my uterus and the ovary with the mass but still leave my other ovary in. I am very glad and feel so fortunate in that! Unfortunately the surgery took six hours and I bled a lot and it turned out there was a hole in my bowel and a couple of "burns" from the "bovie" and I landed right back in the hospital for ten days for another surgery to repair that and then an "ileus" (my intestines shut down--the surgeon told me they were as bad as he'd ever seen where the intestines survived) which thankfully that did eventually resolve but oh my goodness, what terrible pain and frustration! I thought of you a lot and read your blog on my laptop in the hospital and just tried to stay positive and pleasant even though I was in so much pain and so frustrated and sad at what my body was going through. Every doctor commented "well you still have a smile on your face" and I said "oh yes, I still feel very fortunate and I know I will recover and it all could have been so much worse!" I really believe that helped me to heal and recover; you are right about the "bad kharma" and negativity being toxic. Unfortunately one family member of mine in particular was very vocal in wanting to blame the doctors, say they did a bad job, I had horrible luck, etc. but as I see it accidents happen, doctors are human, and I know my doctor of ten years cared about me; she got the best surgeons and infectious disease doctors to come and help her fix me and I'm not going to waste any time being mad at her because that won't help me get better! I just wanted to say that I admire you SO much after getting a taste of what you go through with the terrible obstructions and pain of all of that and I will never take a good poo for granted ever again now that I am back up and able to eat and go to the bathroom again! I couldn't eat for a week, not even ice chips, but I just thought about you and stayed positive and decided to be grateful that I went into this with ten extra pounds of fat on my ass that my body could use to live on while I was starving because now I know that not everyone has that advantage of having a little extra on them for such an occasion and I was glad that I had the weight to spare. I wasn't very happy with my body before the surgery because I thought I was too fat but now I'm grateful for that fat and while I will do my best to stay fit and continue to eat healthy foods, if it comes back then that is okay, maybe I'll need it again someday! Thank you so much for your writing, it helped me so much to read about your ordeals and know that if you could beat such terrible health problems and stay alive then certainly I could get over some bad surgeries and ten days in the hospital with no eating and non-working intestines and keep a SMILE ON MY FACE! I will continue reading and wishing you well and I hope you are able to get rid of that PICC line soon and get on with enjoying life!

Aroma Fields said...

As I follow your blog posts, I am always amazed at your strength to carry on each day regardless of the challenges. I remember when I came home from the hospital after having my whipple surgery for pancreatic cancer, I had a picc line as well as the TPN. I can SO understand the desire for freedom from not being hooked up to something! Give it time, sweetie...with your weight gain and consistant improvement, you'll be riding bikes in the mountains soon! The picc line was a pain in the bajeebees for me, too. But I learned to wrap Saran wrap around the picc line area, tape it securely (top and bottom so no water could leak in) and I was able to shower, making sure that the water didn't run directly on that arm. I couldn't wash that armpit, though....but hey, what's one armpit compared to the soothing feel of water rushing over your body. As you said, all the little things are so appreciated! As for your intestines...those babies don't like being messed with so they're going to give you a fit for awhile. I remember wondering if I was ever going to eat normal again...or have a day without horrific, gut wrenching bowel pain and diarrhea. Things eventually became normal again. I won't tell you to hang in there because you truly are. And I can tell that you know things will get better. But meantime, I think you're an amazing woman!

TC said...

Hope you get the feeding bag figured out or rather the company does soon.
About Obama and the guns? What his opposition has done lately makes me ashamed.

Shopping Kharma said...

Wow! Thank you all so much! These are the most awesome comments ever and really brightened my week! I'm so glad that my blog is making a difference for some and that my experiences can make others experiences not seem so bad. I can give others the power to get through all that they need to! Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!) You all deserve a huge hug from me!)

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

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