Got me a broken feeder.....

I guess that would be the southern way of saying my TPN machine thingy is not pumping out milk like it should be. It is officially broken and I am sitting here waiting to see if this company can bring me another one or I just don't get fed intravenously.

When my honey came home today to unhook me; I was so proud of myself for making a pasta salad for him to die for and an excellent sandwich which included ham, turkey, and fresh bacon. I was very proud to have accomplished all of that but for some reason my back just ached like hell as I was too weak to be carrying around this heavy food bag. It just felt heavier than usual. I had to set the bag down on the floor and just work with the feed line and to make sure that I didn't get tangled in it which I did once and almost fell. (it got hung in the computer chair and scared the living shit out of me thinking I could have easily pulled that picc line right out of my arm).

Well when my husband got home at lunchtime, he wanted to unhook me right away since I had been on the feeder for so long (over 48 hours) I did have about an hour break last night when he felt was well deserved. He really felt bad for me and I had a cry fest most of the day yesterday. Nothing in particular; just feeling sorry for myself and having one of those days. I felt like I was just an ugly turtle with that stupid thing on my back. I felt much better today.

Well during that brief hour of freedom, I got to change my shirt and sponge off with baby wipes. It's a little hard to keep myself clean with the picc line. I'm not allowed to shower or get my arm wet. I'm dealing with it OK; no swimming at all but hopefully I will be able to ride my beautiful bike soon! Well getting back to our horror of checking the bag; only a quarter of the bag had been dispensed to me; so we were essentially throwing away nearly a full bag of food ($3000).

I called the company several times today to let them know that the TPN dispenser is broken and is not dispensing food to me. I am still gaining weight (from my Ganga Tea); I'm up to 113.5. I even tried on some pants and OMG! They were feeling rather snug on me. I even looked in the mirror and I saw a little bottom peering at me from under my t-shirt this morning. It wasn't sagging for once! Wow!

I hope I can discontinue this TPN soon and will be able to handle digesting regular food. I have been pooping up a storm and thank god both ends (pee and poo) are working (Thank god I'm not vomiting anymore!)! I'm so happy to be able to piss and shit! I can't even begin to tell you!) It's such a blessing to be able to do on my own. My body is finally starting to work and I'm so excited! I still get these horrible gas pain blocks that can get pretty painful because I can't just outright fart just yet. Oh the little worries that I have in my life probably pail in comparison to what many of you have to face in your everyday lives.

At least you don't have to worry as much if your intestines are working properly or that you can actually digest your food; take a lovely shit, or just being able to pee. I don't take those gifts for granted anymore no matter how much it might get on my nerves; being in a hospital with an NG tube takes care of those annoyances real quick. I'm thankful for what little bit my body can do. I can kinda sorta take walks but not long ones just yet; I can drive in the car on short trips.

Today is hopefully the last day I will have that feel like shit feeling from the chemo. I felt it more intense yesterday and just a little bit today. Here I am sporting my new hat that I got at chemo. Some very nice lady knitted a bunch of hats for us chemo patients and I was told I could pick which ever one I wanted. I picked this green one in honor of my honey and the Green Bay Packers. Maybe I can get a Packer patch for this hat. It's pretty styley!) It's good kharma and the kind of kharma I like to write about.

I hate to say it but I have to admit that I have been pretty stressed about the news lately. I'm so worried about my President getting killed by some of these psychotic terrorists. That's how I see them. I know they claim to be exercising their right to bear arms but at political rally? That's exactly what I feel they are by brandishing guns out in public; they are exercising their right to be stupid. George Bush would not even allow people with certain t-shirts inside his own political rallies and I highly doubt he even allowed anyone with a gun and now Obama has to accept those with guns and annoying t-shirts. It's really sad. I don't feel that's fair at all.

I can go around just fine in my own neighborhood which is still very sketchy and I still feel safe enough that I don't need a gun everywhere I go.. I feel if you are so paranoid that you feel that you really need a gun in order to go out in public then you must need some medication too. My mom is on some medication for paranoia and it works great for her; perhaps that's exactly what these crazy people need. I think these people are very crazed and are very capable of being cold calculated killers who would love nothing more than to murder the President. They seem to be very ready to kill our president and I see that this is their intention; particularly those who are wearing the T-shirt Timothy McVeigh wore when he was arrested. I know they are somehow exercising a right but to me I don't feel these people are right in their minds in how they are thinking and rationalizing their thoughts.

I'm brave enough to go out in public without a gun; I don't feel that I need one. Chemo is the only weapon I need!) I still believe in the right to bear arms; but when you are fighting a war, out hunting for food, or protecting your home from intruders; that's it. Times have changed and we should not have to worry about crazy people walking around with their concealed weapons. I don't trust them at all. A gun should be kept at home to protect your home and family; not out in public; it's too dangerous; especially at a political rally. People get crazy and many feel a life is worth loss over something that is said. If that gun were only left at home; many would really be safe to exercise free speech. Leave it to the police forces which are trained to protect us. I'm really worried about these wacko's and I pray he doesn't get killed each day; it seems I'm worried more about his life than my own sometimes. I know he wants to help our country and is in tune with those who are middle class and poorer. He grew up poor and I relate to him in that he too suffered from the evils of the health care system with his own mother's death of what is killing me. I hope this health care plan passes and things start to get better. I also hope everyone gets over it and we can all work together to make our country great again.

I hope and pray everyone looks within themselves and really questions what really is true and what is really better for all; not just themselves but for all of us. The sick and dying deserve health insurance too. This is why it's so important to treat others how you would want to be treated. There are so many people out there who have it worse off than we do and in this world we could all use some good kharma. Why not give it?

If you can do just one thing nice for others; it does come back and it also makes you feel better about yourself. I always appreciate when others do such nice things for me; like visits; bringing by books, magazines, cards, phone calls or emails. It's those little things that make all the difference. Sorry to get so political here but it is worrying me and I can't help it. I just don't want anything horrible to happen to him.