Extreme Temperatures in San Jose today.....

What I love most about my blog is that I feel as if I am giving everyone who reads an opportunity to walk in my shoes and to feel what it might be like to have cancer; to have that will to live and to fight proudly and to know that life indeed goes on. Yes, there are also those moments of feeling hopeless and horrible too, but it's all the reality of living with cancer. It doesn't do any good for me to feel sorry for myself and I hope none of you do for me or for yourself. I still have a lot of great things in my life that I appreciate more than anything and so much to look forward to. I love more than anything to help change the lives of others by encouraging them to enjoy their lives and to not take anything for granted. We never know what each day will bring us; I certainly don't. My life is extremely unpredictable.

I treasure each day I am at home (not in the hospital) or just waking up in my bed next to the hottest man in the whole universe; I love his smell and his presence more than anything. That's how I see him; he is the hottest and I'm so happy to wake up next to him each morning; what a blessing!) I am still struggling with my lack of a sex drive and hope that I can find something that can help to bring it back.

See when ever I write things like that; I get these stupid comments from spammers that encourage me to try these magical herbal pills that promise to increase the size of my dick and to make me last longer. It's completely and totally shocking to get these types of comments and I always think "how completely and totally insensitive these people must be to not know that I am not a male." I may lack the female organs; but I have never gained any organs after all of that; I assure you! I had a complete and total hysterectomy and not a sex change at all. I'm still a female. Well I will just have to delete those. SPAMMERS out there; I do not wish to increase the size of my dick; it's completely and totally unnecessary! I had all of my FEMALE organs removed and I bet if I had one of those; it very well would have been removed as well. My vaporizer sometimes works for that problem (lack of a sex drive) and I really need to take advantage of it and use it more than I do. I just get lazy sometimes. It hasn't been turned on in months and is currently collecting dust upstairs.

Yesterday morning my honey and I had a little spat but it upset me that he had to hurry and leave for work that we didn't get to make up (we did get to tell each other "I love you!") before he left. I was crying for part of the day and I got really depressed and for the first time ever, I had some pretty mortal thoughts of giving up because I felt so bad that my honey is giving up so much to be with me and that he deserves so much better. I felt guilty (well I do have to admit I feel guilty sometimes for what seems like making his life a living hell). I never felt like a burden like this before and sometimes having to take care of me can be very stressful for him. It was just a temporary thought but it haunted me like nothing else; I couldn't stop crying from thinking that way even though I didn't mean it. It was just a thought but I hate that it came to mind anyway. The mortal thought that I had was that maybe I should just go home and live with my mother, brother, or even father in order to go home and die (I would loose my health insurance in the process) so that my husband can finally live his life normally; he could find a better woman that doesn't have my extreme health problems, he wouldn't have to worry about taking care of me anymore, he could take off and not have to worry about coming home at a certain time to hook me up and so much more. I felt guilty that I am sometimes unable to please my husband sexually and that he would have made a wonderful father (better than many) and sometimes I feel that I robbed him of that opportunity.

He has to work everyday and he seems always stressed about me and my health all the time and still continues to work. Sometimes I suffer in horrible pains and I cry from the pain and it just tears him up to hear me suffering and he can't do anything to help relieve the pain.

I try not to be in pain like that but sometimes I forget to take the pain medications when the pain starts up (another chemo brain thing) My chemo brain can make me forgetful when I am doing things and sometimes it's like a blank page; I forget to close cabinet doors and sometimes leave things out and forget to put things away or clean up certain things. I get sidetracked while doing other things; sometimes it can be a phone call or one of my pets distracting me and this drives him crazy too; but sometimes I will start things and forget to finish them. It was all the little things that annoy my husband that I do and that his life is a constant worry; he never gets to go anywhere or do anything because of me that caused the spat. I think he was mostly just venting and letting his feelings out and I took it way too personally. I'm too sensitive sometimes.

I was feeling pretty worthless for the beginning of that day and then I started having a full blown anxiety attack just thinking this way and little Blue Belle could certainly sense it. She came over to me and started licking my legs and then my face. It completely surprised me that I started laughing at her as I petted her soft fur.

Then all of a sudden I looked over in the corner of the room and noticed Tonto making biscuits on the huge stuffed Lab that my neighbor had got me when I got out of the hospital. He was doing it with such great force that the front end of the dog started moving up and down and then Blue Belle got upset and started barking at the huge stuffed dog. I burst out laughing because it was so hillarious. It was as if the two of them tag teamed to cheer me up. I got out of that depressive mode and started thinking of all the good things that I do for my husband and that there is no way this man is ever going to give up on me; all the times that he has told me that he loves me no matter what. I was right; he got home at lunchtime and gave me a huge hug and apologized for his behavior that morning. He was very, very sorry. I was so happy that I was crying in his arms when he said that and since we are always honest with one another I told him about that mortal thought I was thinking about and he hugged me even more and told me; "I'm not a quitter and you are not either, you won't have insurance; you have to stay and I can't make it with out you, I need you more than anything in this world. Don't ever think that and you are never going to do that; we are not going to give up; ever!" He had to remind me of our wedding vows and that he meant them and takes them to heart. It was just what I needed to hear. He also told me he never cared to have any kids of his own; we don't have it in the cards so we can just move on from that. We are too old to anyway. We can have fun in other ways and we have this wonderful Peace Dog that brings Peace where ever she goes and a very hillarious Anti-Cat that just doesn't act that much like a cat.

Our make-up sessions are so beautiful and sweet and often the spat will be a result of misunderstandings and built up stress. Making up is really the very best feeling!) I was so glad to be over that hump of feeling like a total worthless shit. I'm sure other Cancer patients have those moments where they get to a point where they feel like giving up or feel hopeless. I didn't want to; I just didn't like the thought of making the man that I love miserable when he doesn't deserve it.

OK enough of that! Well I do know that Saturdays and Sundays are usually good for me (2 days of feeling normal= yeah); today I had horrible diarrhea and my pee hole burned like hell. I would pee and nearly fall off the toilet from the burning pain. It sucked bad!( I think I can actually feel the rod that is in my pee hole (my right ureter) and I will have to have surgery sometime next month before the 18th of September to replace the tube. I had written my doctor / surgeon about this problem and he did tell me that I didn't have any infections in my urine culture but that it was another side effect of the chemotherapy. How I hate that word!

I made a special lunch for my honey today and he unhooked me from my feeding bag as we got to spend a few minutes of quality time together in the middle of the day. We are definitely over the spat of yesterday and are moving on to better things now. Despite chemo this weekend; we do plan on going on a bike ride together and even a motorcycle ride around (after the feed bag removal).

This will be a relaxing fun weekend and I may just go with him to see that violent Tarrontino movie. Oh I hate his movies; I like the 70's look and feel of them; but I hate the violence so much. I don't think it is at all necessary and what we need in this world. I think he makes violence seem funny and fun = not good. Why does everything he do have to have so much blood and guts and killing? I love my honey so much that I will go see that movie anyway. If I go he owes me a girly movie for sure!

Well anyway it was time for my Costco run after he left and I had this wonderful gift certificate from so many loving people at work that I needed to use and it so helped me. I don't have any money in my own bank account at this time and haven't had any since June (money of my own); so it was a treat to be able to go and not have to worry about paying that AMEX bill for all the things we needed. I hadn't done a Costco run in a while (since June) and we were low on all kinds of things (TP, Coffee, Olive Oil, etc). Blue Belle had on her favorite new "Service Dog Vest" and she was allowed to come inside Costco. The smiles that resulted in her presence inside Costco was amazing.

All the people that had been stressed out were not feeling it with her around. It's amazing to be walking down the aisle with my shopping cart with her right by my side (not in the way of anyone) as walk past someone with out a smile and then a peer down below and then a smile. A few people asked if they could pet her because she is so incredibly beautiful. This one little girl lost herself petting Blue Belle and just hugged her while Blue Belle gave her kisses. I forgot my camera; probably because it was such a dam hot day.

I hate hot days like this; it was worse than my hot flashes; when we got back in the car; the outside temperature said 106. I know that can't be quite accurate but it did feel like I walked right into an oven. I do like the moments in my day that are enjoyable like this; a great trip to Costco (nice and air conditioned) and not receiving any kind of negativity that she is inside the store. No one gave me any shit in fact the person standing in the front of the store asking for Costco cards had to get down and pet her and get a kiss from her.

I was having some horrible problems with my intestines and had to go to the restroom twice for more diarrhea and then while I was unpacking in the parking lot it happened again. Good thing I had on a feminine pad but it worked some. It was a mess when I got home but I survived it. I can walk around and unload the car so it's no big deal that I shit my pants again! I'm even laughing about it. My intestines have been through hell and back; so I think I'm entitled to my Depend's moments. I got home and took a nice warm bath and cleaned myself up then made my honey some deviled eggs and cut up some veggies and made him some dip with sour cream. Just some snacks in case he came home hungry.

Since it was Friday evening; my honey stopped by the pub and hung out for a couple of hours with his friends. I felt he was entitled since it's been a long week for him. My neighbor called, so Blue Belle got to play with Tess once it had cooled down some (it was 85 degrees last night), muggy and hot. She did her Sheltie Zoom, Zoom, Zoom as we laughed while the dogs were zipping all over the yard. It was too hot to take her around the block on the bike so I figured a romp with her best friend would suffice for her exercise. She was worn out when we returned and my honey had the milk bag all ready to hook up to me. He flushed both lines and had done his huge responsibility of putting the vitamins and everything required to get that milk bag going. It's so impressive what he does for me each and everyday.