Pain and Fear of Pill Killers.....

Here is an awesome photo I took of Blue Belle last night after her bike ride / run. She was pretty winded but oh how beautiful she is just sitting there. Some don't even have to try to be pretty at all!

I have to admit that I'm really, really scared of using painkillers when I am in pain. Every time that I take one, I always feel so guilty. I'm so scared shitless of becoming addicted and to have to depend on using them daily and in turn this really scares the living shit of out me. For one, I am always it seems in intense pain after taking a piss from the rod in my right ureter and my doctor has told me; make sure you take something for pain for that; so I do and it works but I still can't help feeling guilty taking them. I'm also getting severe abdominal cramping and exceptionally painful anal spasms as part of the side effects of this chemo. It's so not pleasant and I often think of shifting that pain on to someone else who really deserves it; like those rich overly insured politicians who are so against reforming the broken health care system so that they at least understand what it is like to be in such pain and suffering. Many just don't understand and it would be cool if they did.

Sometimes I have to take several painkillers each day in order to handle all the different pain issues that I have. You can just imagine the guilt that I have after doing all of that . I hope that I heal normally and it seems these painkillers will just make things worse for me because they are more chemicals being added to my body. What scares me most is are they chemicals that my cancer will like or chemicals that might be able to kill them? They make me so loopy and stupid sometimes too and I really hate that. Is it normal for me to have these feelings and to wish I could just take the pain and not take anything for it? I feel like such a wimp when I eventually succumb and have to take something for the pain.

At least with my pot, I can still keep my sanity and am able to talk about all kinds of interesting things. Oh the hilarious creative conversations I have had! It's almost like it expands my mind in some way; especially creatively. I appreciate music all the more and these last two days it has helped me drink more than I know I would have; I was so super thirsty after I smoked my little joint. Too bad its not strong enough for the severe pains that I get but I can mix it with any of the other drugs and not have to worry about over dosing. In fact I feel that in combination with the other drugs such a Percocet and Morphine (it helps get rid of that nasty taste in my mouth); it the right mixture of pain free.

They are working right now for the pain and I'm so glad that my intestines might soon be healing. Well, it was just a month ago that my intestines were not absorbing pain killers at all and I had to be hospitalized for that. On top of all of that, I had chemo on Sunday and I still don't have an appetite at all; I really want one so bad. I have just 9 more lbs to gain until we can think about removing the feeding apparatus (TPN). Yesterday I barely ate a banana and tried my very best to eat a Chicken Pot Pie for dinner.

I had to go to the drug store to get more gloves for my honey and they also had generic Pedialyte on sale so I got one just for chemo since I knew that I would be having trouble drinking and keeping myself well hydrated. Have been surviving on this all day today and just rolled myself a nice joint to enjoy tonight in hopes that it will finally make me hungry. Can you imagine not having the energy to even enjoy a good bong hit? That's the way it has been yesterday and even for part of today.

I slept for a good part of the day yesterday and even went to the pharmacy to try to pick up some medications. They didn't have the Zofran for my nausea; just some anti-diarrhea stuff. Miss Blue Belle went with me proudly in her pretty new vest and of course she brought all kinds of smiles with her as some of the patients got to love on her. I can't help but share her warmth and love. There was a really cool and sweet lady at the pharmacy who was waiting in line and she told me that I should not feel guilty for having to take medication for pain and to think of it as insulin. I can't do that still but she finally got off of obituates eventually after many years of having to take Vicodin, Percocets, and even morphine for her chronic pain. I hope to be there one day!

I did email my doctor because for one, they had forgotten that my CA125 needs to be monitored while I am on chemo; I mean how else are we going to know if the chemo is working? Well also about the Zofran too. I will definitely need it for these treatments and am scheduled to see him on the 4th. Well my CA125 will be scheduled every 3 weeks which will help. I am starting to doubt that I can do this chemo every single week. I'm kind of ready for a little break. My husband is worried about me and is afraid if the cancer doesn't kill me; the chemo will. He could be right but I still have an inner strength but those days after the chemo; I do wonder where it is.

Last night before my intravenous feeding hook up; I did take my beautiful cruiser out and around the block with Miss Blue Belle. This is working out so well because I don't have the energy to walk that far with out my intestines feeling like they are falling out of my body. What a shitty feeling that is; no pun intended but that's what eventually happens if I am on my feet too long. I hope the healing will happen soon. Well anyway this is crappy photo that I took while riding my bike (that was very dangerous for me to do), but I did it anyway. She's running along side me getting some great exercise.


I am thinking of going to Whole Foods today for some Aloe Vera juice so that maybe that can help heal my broken and twisted intestines. I do need a miracle. More updates to come!