WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Pain and Fear of Pill Killers.....

Here is an awesome photo I took of Blue Belle last night after her bike ride / run. She was pretty winded but oh how beautiful she is just sitting there. Some don't even have to try to be pretty at all!

I have to admit that I'm really, really scared of using painkillers when I am in pain. Every time that I take one, I always feel so guilty. I'm so scared shitless of becoming addicted and to have to depend on using them daily and in turn this really scares the living shit of out me. For one, I am always it seems in intense pain after taking a piss from the rod in my right ureter and my doctor has told me; make sure you take something for pain for that; so I do and it works but I still can't help feeling guilty taking them. I'm also getting severe abdominal cramping and exceptionally painful anal spasms as part of the side effects of this chemo. It's so not pleasant and I often think of shifting that pain on to someone else who really deserves it; like those rich overly insured politicians who are so against reforming the broken health care system so that they at least understand what it is like to be in such pain and suffering. Many just don't understand and it would be cool if they did.

Sometimes I have to take several painkillers each day in order to handle all the different pain issues that I have. You can just imagine the guilt that I have after doing all of that . I hope that I heal normally and it seems these painkillers will just make things worse for me because they are more chemicals being added to my body. What scares me most is are they chemicals that my cancer will like or chemicals that might be able to kill them? They make me so loopy and stupid sometimes too and I really hate that. Is it normal for me to have these feelings and to wish I could just take the pain and not take anything for it? I feel like such a wimp when I eventually succumb and have to take something for the pain.

At least with my pot, I can still keep my sanity and am able to talk about all kinds of interesting things. Oh the hilarious creative conversations I have had! It's almost like it expands my mind in some way; especially creatively. I appreciate music all the more and these last two days it has helped me drink more than I know I would have; I was so super thirsty after I smoked my little joint. Too bad its not strong enough for the severe pains that I get but I can mix it with any of the other drugs and not have to worry about over dosing. In fact I feel that in combination with the other drugs such a Percocet and Morphine (it helps get rid of that nasty taste in my mouth); it the right mixture of pain free.

They are working right now for the pain and I'm so glad that my intestines might soon be healing. Well, it was just a month ago that my intestines were not absorbing pain killers at all and I had to be hospitalized for that. On top of all of that, I had chemo on Sunday and I still don't have an appetite at all; I really want one so bad. I have just 9 more lbs to gain until we can think about removing the feeding apparatus (TPN). Yesterday I barely ate a banana and tried my very best to eat a Chicken Pot Pie for dinner.

I had to go to the drug store to get more gloves for my honey and they also had generic Pedialyte on sale so I got one just for chemo since I knew that I would be having trouble drinking and keeping myself well hydrated. Have been surviving on this all day today and just rolled myself a nice joint to enjoy tonight in hopes that it will finally make me hungry. Can you imagine not having the energy to even enjoy a good bong hit? That's the way it has been yesterday and even for part of today.

I slept for a good part of the day yesterday and even went to the pharmacy to try to pick up some medications. They didn't have the Zofran for my nausea; just some anti-diarrhea stuff. Miss Blue Belle went with me proudly in her pretty new vest and of course she brought all kinds of smiles with her as some of the patients got to love on her. I can't help but share her warmth and love. There was a really cool and sweet lady at the pharmacy who was waiting in line and she told me that I should not feel guilty for having to take medication for pain and to think of it as insulin. I can't do that still but she finally got off of obituates eventually after many years of having to take Vicodin, Percocets, and even morphine for her chronic pain. I hope to be there one day!

I did email my doctor because for one, they had forgotten that my CA125 needs to be monitored while I am on chemo; I mean how else are we going to know if the chemo is working? Well also about the Zofran too. I will definitely need it for these treatments and am scheduled to see him on the 4th. Well my CA125 will be scheduled every 3 weeks which will help. I am starting to doubt that I can do this chemo every single week. I'm kind of ready for a little break. My husband is worried about me and is afraid if the cancer doesn't kill me; the chemo will. He could be right but I still have an inner strength but those days after the chemo; I do wonder where it is.

Last night before my intravenous feeding hook up; I did take my beautiful cruiser out and around the block with Miss Blue Belle. This is working out so well because I don't have the energy to walk that far with out my intestines feeling like they are falling out of my body. What a shitty feeling that is; no pun intended but that's what eventually happens if I am on my feet too long. I hope the healing will happen soon. Well anyway this is crappy photo that I took while riding my bike (that was very dangerous for me to do), but I did it anyway. She's running along side me getting some great exercise.

I am thinking of going to Whole Foods today for some Aloe Vera juice so that maybe that can help heal my broken and twisted intestines. I do need a miracle. More updates to come!

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onthemend said...

"Each Moment,Only Once"-Zen Saying...This is my new mantra...I struggle with when to use pain medications too...I'm coming to a place though that...for now the less pain I'm in the more my body can concentrate on healing...to me it is faulty logic on my part to project into the future and think that this is a permanent situation...I needed it this time...thats all. I can deal with that. I am trying to erase evil karma for all beings...and move forward (hoaky as it may sound) I feel like it's a compassion thing. If I could have compassion for someone else in this situation why not extend that to myself?
peace- Christina

stipeygirl75 said...

I suffer from chronic pain too, and do feel guilty at times about using the pain killers. Someone on one of my support groups recently said you are NOT addicted if you are taking the pain killer so that you can LIVE. Addiction is when you live to take the pain killer.

This made me feel a lot better realizing that I take the meds so that I can go out and live my life "normally." Otherwise I would be curled up in a ball inside my home crying. I don't enjoy taking them, but I do sparingly so that I can do the things I enjoy doing :)

xops said...

I agree with stipeygirl75. I've been in chronic pain for over 4 years due to degenerative disc disease. I take pain killers to get me through the day. This only dulls the pain and doesn't give me any high or pleasure. I can't understand why anyone would want to use pain killers to get high. Being out of control is not a fun feeling.

I understand your reluctance to use them for fear of getting physically dependent.

Girl Holding On said...

I had my second op for colon cancer in June. They removed my ovaries,uterus. Have had 3 chemos.I'm cutting down as much as I can on my pain and nausea meds because the 1 for nausea makes me sleep all the time and I guess I,m just tired of having to take anything. But,I'm afraid of getting addicted too. When I hurt I take something because pain takes away my strength. I work with your mom...take care-Barbara

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

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