WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Halloween with extreme pain....

My dad left early on Thursday morning (before the sun came up) and overall we had a great visit.  I loved being able to spend time with him and both my pets are already missing him.  He would take Blue Belle on long walks around the neighborhood each and every morning and then he would take Tonto on his little walk around the complex pool, the mailboxes and then back home.  I can't wait for him to return; it will be in a few weeks or months depending on which way my health goes.

We got to go to the doggie parade for a little while in the Greedy City of Los Gatos (didn't get a ticket this time; what a miracle!), we watched several games of the world series together and even went on a bike ride around the block together.  He also helped out around my home but I hated when my severe pains would erupt and I couldn't do anything but cry and convulse.  It was so scary for my husband and my dad to witness and I tried so hard to hold it in but it was just too severe to do that.  It's really weird that my pains have gotten so bad.  

My hospice nurse even turned up the dosage of my Methadone to 1.5 Ml twice a day.  It worked for a little while but lately the pains have been through the roof.  I had been out of cannabis and a good friend stopped by with some and so far so good; it's working for the break through pain much better than the Dilaudid.  Sometimes if I am smoking the same strain of weed for a while, it sometimes looses its effectiveness much like this Dilaudid is doing.  This batch I have now is finally working on some of my nausea and spasms, yippee!!  Finally but it only works for a few hours, but longer than the Dilaudid. 

I try so hard to hold the severe pain inside so I don't freak out my honey or my dad.  Sometimes I just couldn't help it when the pain got up to a 10.  I couldn't breath and it felt like someone was just stand on my chest and oh GOD my back pain was excruciating.  If I were a dog in a shelter; there is no doubt in my mind that I would be put out of my misery, but the weird thing is; I don't care, I still want to live.  See how hard headed I am?  I'm a glutton for punishment.

This little boy on this recliner; is a bad, bad, boy!  The final night that my dad was here; he got me a pumpkin in order to carve.  It seems this might just be my very last Halloween that I get to celebrate.  Well he also took Blue Belle and Tonto out for a late night walk just prior to him leaving (my sweet next door neighbor always lets him stay in his spare bedroom).   It's so convenient being that he is just next door.  Our tiny little 1 bedroom loft isn't big enough for more than 2 people.  Well anyway, he had taken Tonto on a walk earlier in the day with out the leash (he followed perfectly) and I guess he figured Tonto could do the same at night  (be a good kitty).  The leash was on Tonto when they were heading out the door, but once they got out the door; my dad decided to unhook the leash with hopes that Tonto would follow him and Blue Belle.  Instead Tonto took off and decided to hide in the bushes for a while so that he could watch all of us look for him.  He is so camouflaged at night and nearly impossible to see.   It took us well over an hour to find him and it was very frustrating; calling out his name in hopes that we didn't awake any neighbors. 

My dad felt so bad but we told him to relax and we would find him. since he had to catch a very early flight in the morning.  I said my good byes and off we went searching for the silly bad cat.     My honey  was so stressed out and I was pretty scared; we didn't think we would ever see him again.   He is a very gentle sweet unusual cat that just about anybody might be able to snatch for their pet or for their stew (yes we have neighbors on the other side of the road that would do just that) .  Since he is a chubbers; he does have lots of meat on him.   I must have walked all over that complex carrying my heavy feed back at least 3 times (I more or less exhausted myself)  and being  completely out of breath at times; I still forced myself to continue on no matter what.  I had to find my strange kitty.  We looked all over the place and it was awkward having to call his name over and over again at around 10:30 - 11pm. I was so scared I would be waking others up trying to call his name when he usually will run right up to me when he does hear his name.   

Finally after about an hour and half of looking; my honey and I were about to give up, my dad was already getting ready for bed as we were still looking for him.   My honey was so discouraged and sad about loosing our little fellow and he started rambling on about it that he didn't think we would ever see him again and then I just happened to look right next to us at this bush and Tonto was just sitting there as if he were laughing his ass off at us.  His face was so incredibly mischievous!  I had to tell my honey to shut it and to look.  We both were like "you little ass hole!".  He was playing a game of hide and seek and had successfully fooled all of us.  He must have been watching us look for him all that time.  My honey even had to go into to his job first thing in the morning, my dad needed to be at the airport at 5:30am and here it was midnight.  Blue Belle made no effort at all to look for Tonto; she was ready to be an only child!  We tried telling her "Go Find Tonto".  Normally she can find a ball or a frisbee but not Tonto.  She seemed stoked that she might just be the only child!  It was almost like she was happy that Tonto was missing; she made no effort what so ever to find him; she may have even been in on the game that Tonto was playing with us?  So now we really have to try and train her to find him just in case he gets out again and pulls this shit.

So my honey decided that Tonto is grounded; he can't go outside all this week.    Oh my honey was so mad!  He had too much to do to be looking for that silly cat! and he caused him some unneeded stress.   I actually think Tonto is getting the hang of this but if we ever do take him outside; he WILL have to wear a leash no matter what!.  He has been bummed that he can't go out the doggie door but he's getting over it.  It's kind of like he knows he is being punished for being a bad boy.   Only a couple more days and he gets his freedom back.  He's been doing a great job of taking care of me and staying at home where he belongs.   He is always lying down on his recliner as its just right behind me where he can keep a close eye on me.  If I go upstairs; he will jump down and following me everywhere around the house. 

So far I am still suffering in lots of pain but the most embarrassing pain of all is in my lower intestine where they had sewn my intestine to make a colon.  Sometimes if feels as if I have a broken glass ground hog trying to sneak out of my ass!  OMG does it hurt!.   Then there are those muscle spasms that happen on top of that which forces me to puke my brains out as I am trying to poo!(  It's a nightmare!   Please don't pity me for all this pain I suffer from; I just wish for everyone to be thankful for their own lives and to never ever take it for granted.   Life is such a wonderful gift!  For all those Mormons and Evangelical Christians; I feel compelled to say "don't waste your life trying to run other people's lives, just allow them to live their own lives on their terms; not yours or how you interpret the bible; it's none of your business.  Instead, raise your own family, they need you!   Sorry I had to throw that in because of all these Evangelicals who feel they can judge those who happen to be in love with one another.  You can't choose who you fall in love with; it just happens.  Yes, I'm upset about gays not being able to be together legally.  They need protections just as we do.  Treat others how you would want to be treated!)

OK enough of that!  It's definitely OK to laugh at my situations as well; after all laughter is the best medicine ever.  My body is doing all kinds of weird things right now and sometimes things don't look so good for me; but I know I have the will live on!  Some days I feel strong and others it seems the end is just around the corner.  This is still a very, scary time for me; I haven't been crying as much as I was; but I'm dealing with the reality of what is happening to me so much better.

I got to see the movie "The Lovely Bones" on HBO the other night and it dealt with a cute little 14 year old girl who had been murdered by her next door neighbor as she works from the spirit world to try and tell her father who had done it.  It got lots of horrible reviews but usually when that happens I end up loving the movie.  This movie absolutely blew me away and it was great because I followed it all the way through as if I were living another life!   It was very beautifully shot and a beautiful display of heaven; I hope (after all of this) I get reunited with all of my childhood pets including my horses (Hotchy, Graple, Ember, Sue Belle, and of course Skippy!).  I even had some cute little Pygmy goats; one which was pink and fluffy.  He was so playful and smart; he followed me everywhere.  I have also been reading a wonderful book about horses that is really occupying my time; I'm almost finished with it

I did talk with my Hospice Nurse today and hopefully we can get my pain under control.  The heartburn is hellacious!  OH it sucks!  I puked practically every 5 -10 minutes and my stomach today feels like I did 500 sit ups!  I'm serious, if its not one things it's another.   I am also supposed to get my pain pump filled up this week (on Election Day!) of all days.  I can't wait until we get rid of these horrible pains. 

Well I'm over due on displaying another needy horse.  After reading this book my boss had given me; I just can't put it down.  Horses really are special animals with a unique understanding of us; they are so much smarter than we give them credit for.  I almost feel they have human spirits with in them.  Well this is Puff and she is an amazing draft horse mare.  She is very friendly with people; she is hard to halter, but once she is; she will lead and follow you.  She might be deaf which makes her a special project for someone who can give her the unconditional love she deserves.   She is about 10 years old and her adoption fee is only $800.  You can also sponsor this horse and cover her food costs.  Every little bit counts for these loving, beautiful horses.  You may contact Jennifer Johns or Cheryl Forbes (805) 938 -0174 or email: animali@aol.com

Peace and Love to all of you!  Thank you all for for the kind blessings and good thoughts as I battle on!)  I never take friendship and love for granted as those are the most powerful gifts anyone can give me!)  & Happy Halloween!  
Check out my shitty pumpkin!  I tried to make an SF Giants pumpkin and it kind of got messed up as I got completely confused and cut out the wrong portions of the pumpkin so now it's just a work of art Pumpkin!)  You can pretty much make it what ever it may look like?  It's still kinda pretty!

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Wednesday, October 27, 2010

How is hospice helping me so far?

Ovarian cancer is such a dreadful disease that sadly I'm still fighting, kicking, and screaming to fight and oh how I wish so much that  I could beat it!  That would totally rock!   It sure does change one's perspective on life and to realize what's really most important in my life right now.  You sure as hell don't sweat the small things anymore and you really do have to laugh a whole lot more.   I know; how does one laugh when one is going through such a tragic time of life? Oh believe me I can find many reasons to!  It's not really all that tragic;  I of course have my sweetie pie honey by my side no matter what; and he is there with me being the best husband and caregiver he can be.   As another caregiver has said; he is in for the long haul and all to familiar with the TPN rituals!

My ultimate goal in this battle for my life right now is to get as many good quality days  in as possible with my sweetie. I'm so happy that he is able to work from home as this so called "deterioration phase" begins. Physically I'm still doing OK in that I can still walk around; getting a few things done around my home like laundry, cleaning, and of course cooking a great meal (every once in a while) for my sweetie.   I also get to take my pets outside sometimes for walks; Tonto loves to go on walks and often cries by the door for me to take him outside!  He doesn't understand that he can't go out all the time because sometimes the neighbors are out walking their dogs who in turn are not too crazy about seeing a tailless cat on a leash.  The feral cats are not too crazy about him either. and he's not at all crazy about them; but they both make me smile and laugh at least many times each day!  Pets are so important.

Today on my little walk with Blue Belle, she has been chasing squirrels like crazy.  She kind of herded this little squirrel and cornered it and I couldn't really do much as this was happening and then all of a sudden the little shit ran up my leg a little ways and I squealed bloody murder and then it jumped off me and then Blue Belle started chasing it again and it started to run at me again and I squealed again as it turned and jumped up a tree; thank GOD!  I can actually laugh my ass off about it now but it was pretty scary.  They kind of remind me of rats and its terrifying to think of getting bit by one or even scratched.  I'm so glad I had on my long pants and not a dress!

OK back to me.   I'm still happy as can be if I can just get any of the above done or just being able to get outside and enjoying some beautiful sunshine! All the great things I know I will miss when this great journey is over.

My dad has been here for the last couple of days and will be leaving tomorrow but he will be returning soon in couple of weeks.  It's so great to have family visiting and  to be helping out around the home.   It is amazing!  Oh and we will be watching the World Series tonight!  I'm super duper happy that our Giants are finally  in the World Series; hell they haven't won one since they were in New York.  OK enough about the sports!

I have also been fortunate enough to have  had quite a few visitors from my job which has been more than wonderful.  God I sure miss them; I have to hold back tears when they leave because I miss them so terribly; coming into work and being around such great people.   Oh how I have been blessed to know each and every one of them! Oh how I love good people!)

So now; how is hospice care helping me so far? Well so far I do have a great nurse, although I still miss my old nurse and wished so much I could have kept her. I had such a horrible time  adjusting last weekend and part of this week trying to control back and obvious abdominal pains (those include hunger pains and surgical pains= I'm not even sure I'm sewn up right inside there?). We finally got the pain under control for once but the hard part about it all is keeping it under control.   I can loose control of that pain so easily; so that's where having my honey around helps me greatly.  

What we are trying out right now in addition to my pain pump is Methadone (2ml per day= 1ml morning, 1 ml at night), then I have this wonderful cream that I can rub into my skin that has a combination of Benadryl, Ativan, and something else? for the nausea but it hasn't helped much for the insomnia so tonight I get to take a regular Ativan (crush it up and  mix with 1ml water) to take under my tongue.  (can't take pills very well).  I also will be cutting down to 10 hours on the TPN to see if the nausea will let down some; that's also another sign that my body isn't taking to well to food. 

My new nurse calls me daily to find out how I am doing and I'm very thankful for that.  It seems each day is a new thing to conquer whether it be pain, nausea, or insomnia.  What is very helpful is that they are trying to get this down to a science in "End Stage Ovarian Cancer", she gets to talk about my case (my problems) with lots of other hospice nurses who in turn offer up genius solutions to help me combat my daily problems.  If she doesn't have the solution; she will get it and I'm very grateful for that.


Peace and Love to all of you!

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Saturday, October 23, 2010

My Last Halloween Celebration-A Society Dog Event....

I actually dressed up somewhat for this event in order to have fun walking with my Dad and Blue Belle down a street and /and or city that we had a serious problem with last year.  We parked after around 5pm and we had to leave a 6pm so we go there at 6:02pm right as the parking meters readers were having a blast writing as many $75 tickets as they possibly could?  How freaking greedy I thought as I grabbed the  ticket sadly and placed it in the glove box as if it it has ruined a good evening and perhaps that was the intentions of this greedy city.  Yeah it bummed us both out as we vowed to boycott this city and we did for the next year.  If anyone invited us here, we declined; no city that robs other families like this do not deserve our business.  It's Bad Kharma.

My dad and I only spent about 30-35 minutes walking and it wasn't really that rainy; I think we had beat the rain.  I got sick just before putting on my costume and had to smoke up just prior to go outside and enjoy the parade.  There were not a lot of dogs  out just yet and we had decided to leave early so that we didn't get ticketed for not being a resident.  Maybe that is what it is?

This video has many of the photos and the first part if of Zeus; my neighbor Barb's do who was a sweet dog that acted just alike a car.  He was very aloof but the city had to put him to sleep for attacking a small puppy.  RIP Zeus!

Hope you enjoy the videos and I thought I would add some more videos of AnimaliFarms.com.

Peace and Love to all!

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Friday, October 22, 2010

Severe Nursing Shortage.....

True we are experiencing a higher than normal job shortage but we have a much higher shortage in nursing and hospice care.?   From what I hear it is like a 60% or more shortage?  Well it doesn't sound much like a recession to me when there are so many of those types of jobs available to the public and we are having to get citizens from other countries to come and train for those jobs because US citizens just don't want those kinds of jobs?  I remember being young and carrying 3-4 jobs and one of those jobs was cleaning out chicken pens and gathering eggs, working in a zoo cleaning out big cat shit, cutting up dead animals to feed to the big cats and so much more disgusting crap.  I didn't complain; I got a paycheck.  I wouldn't have even cared about cleaning dirty bedpans or sheets; as long as I could make a difference to those who really need it.  I have had to have others do that for me; so I appreciate it.   It always sucked being in the hospital and having to waited hours upon hours just for medication because the nursing shortage was that that prevalent.   It you really want to work; there are jobs out there.   The only bad thing about many of those job is there there is some greedy ass CEO who feel they deserve over 50 million to run the company so that other workers are unable to live a comfortable livings.  Yes, it's unfortunate that many nurses don't live a livable wage and yet they work their asses as deserve more than ever to.    I feel a CEO should be paid according to how their workers are living a livable wage and benefits.  Doesn't that sound fair?   What comes around goes around?  Give others a livable wage and you shall get one too! Other lives are more important.

  Isn't anyone in our country compassionate enough to want to be a nurse?  I do know for a fact that all of my readers are but maybe the world will be too one day?   If I could I would totally jump at the opportunity to become a nurse.  I know there is no way I could handle the hard work they have to go through; but they are my heroes; (second to my husband).  I just didn't think I was smart enough back then but boy would I if had the second chance!  Oh I would in a heart beat!)  In fact, many seem to snoot their noses up at even considering being a nurse when in reality it really is one of those more heroic careers one could NOT pass up.  I just read that there is a huge influx of money going in to pay for those jobs that we are so short on.  Hopefully we won't have to ship more nurses and eduction from overseas and that our own citizens could just see the light of day and decide for themselves if they desire such an excellent career that many believe it is too damn hard to work and they don't wish to have a job that is so demanding on their souls.   How could that be?  I don't understand?  Me being a cancer patient can always appreciate a good nurse no matter where she hails from.

My dad came out a few days ago to help us out and I'm still having lots of problems with my intestines and stomach.  It really bums me out so much that I can't eat and the pain is so intense that it doesn't seem anything is really working.  The more that I walk the more that pain gets to the point that my stomach feels like its going to explode. It scares me that the end could be sooner rather than later at this point.  We are making plans to go to the Society Dog Halloween Parade in the Greedy City of Los Gatos.  I have to call it for what it is it.  It's the not citizen's faults; it's their dumb city council members who would like nothing more than to be wealthier than they already are; to charge $75 for parking your car less than 5 minutes at a meeter.  When I addressed my check last year and it was only 4 minutes past 6pm; I wrote out the check to the "Greedy City of Los Gatos".  We were there (parked in the city) for about an hour and to pay $75 to park our Prius is outrageous.  What a greedy ass city if I ever saw one!   They still cashed our check no problem? I guess they have NO problem at all being so greedy and heartless.  My husband does not ever want to go there again and we haven't since then.

Well today I want to enjoy what could be my very last Society Dog Doggie Halloween Parade.  Hopefully it's in another city that isn't quite so greedy.  We will see.   Blue Belle will be sporting a very cute costume as will I!  Hopefully my health will good tomorrow and my dad and I can go early enough to find some parking where we won't be raped on the costs!(  Have a heart Los Gatos! 
Peace and Love to all of you!

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Sunday, October 17, 2010

A Letter to my President and more...

Maybe this post won't make a whole lot of sense but I do hope it inspires many to just be the best person they can be.  Thank you Elena Zhukova for another excellent photo!

One cool thing to happen that the Obama Admininstration helped was improving hospice care decisions.  This is very recent from what I have been told and it happened just last month.  When we were faced with hospice last year; it was most certainly a death sentence for me.  I would not have been allowed to use the TPN, no emergency room visits, no saving my life  if needed, no surgeries to fix anything wrong like replacing stints, G-tubes, and so much more; well now since the passage in September; Hospice is no longer like that.   They have made some nice subtble little changes. 

Hospice has always been a wonderful organization but now it seems to be much better.  The nurse that came out on Friday was wonderful and we filled out all the papers that we needed to fill out; she checked my vitals and could not believe how good I looked despite being in the situation I'm in. I guess I used to look pretty back in the day; don't feel so pretty anymore; Ovarian Cancer has a way of being you senseless with an ugly stick; or at least it has done that to me! LOL

I knew I didn't believe everything everyone was touting about our President being a cold hearted liberal; well I happen to be a liberal too and I am no where near cold hearted.  I still feel he is doing a great job despite everyone else not wanting to work together to make things better for all of us.  I'm all for investining in our country; I even like raising taxes for those who ship jobs overseas; damn them!  I know I'm not supposed to be go political here but my feelings have never changed about our president.  I wrote this letter to him and got this response which I feel is promising and I will share it with all of you.  Hope you enjoy!

"Dear President Obama,

I currently have stage IIIc Epithelial Ovarian Cancer and have been fighting this disease for nearly 8 years (diagnosed 11/15/02).   I'm fighting it with all my might.  I feel that denying many patients access to medical marijuana is very unconstitutional.  I'm very thankful to live in CA where I can legally use this for my medicine and it has saved my life many, many times.  I don't think I would still be alive and Ovarian Cancer is a very deadly disease.  The reason I feel it's unconstitutional is that we are denying patients lifesaving and pain relieving medicine which works with out so many serious side effects.  Many end up starving to death.  Please consider legalization in all states for medical use.  It has never killed a soul; it is not a dangerous drug as we have all been brainwashed to believe. 

I do have a Blog for which I write only the truth of what I am facing; its quite a bit of uncertainty at this stage. We are on the fence about me going into Hospice Care (end of life care). I want to live as long as I can for my loving husband; that's the goal right now. I'm done with treatments and right now I have many tumors that are growing in so many dangerous areas that its a total miracle that I am still alive.

Here is a little history of the drugs I have been on:

Carboplatinum and Taxol = intravenous, every 3 - 4 weeks (8 treatments of each = Dec. 5, 2002 - May 6, 2003)
Gemzar = intravenous every 3 weeks (2 treatments (December 18, 2002, January 2, 2003)

Avastin = intravenous, every 3 weeks (August 11, 2006 - May 17, 2007)

VP16 (Etoposide) + Avastin (August 18, 2008 - December 2, 2008)

Etoposide = pill taken every day for 2 weeks with 1 week off

Avastin = intravenous every 3 weeks (stopped treatment January 3, 2009)

Tamoxifen = pill taken daily (3 weeks taken in July 2009)

Topotecan = intravenous (every week, only completed 4 cycles in August 2009)

Carboplatin = intravenous (completed 3 cycles Oct. - Nov. 9th 2009

I have also had 6 major abdominal surgeries and many minor surgeries as well. I also had another major surgery in May 2010 to install a Medtronic Pain Pump. Its helping some but we may have to turn it up soon since I am getting horrible heart pains.

Here are the surgeries:

November 15, 2002 = Debauking of all cancer, resection bowels

September 3, 2003 = peritonitis resulting from port inserted for intraperitoneal chemo, accidentally poked a hole in intestine

October 10, 2003 = blocked and twisted intestine
April 3, 2004 = abdominal blockage & resection of bowels, small and large intestine.
March 15, 2009 = very large tumor (I've included photo)
July 27, 2009 = Gastro Bypass (duodenum? was severely blocked - resection stomach and intestines)
December 9, 2009 = insertion of a gastro tube for decompression

I've been hospitalized hundreds of times for bowel and intestinal blockages, infections and so on. I feel that my life is worth saving but for many doctors; I'm sure I must be a dime a dozen.

If you would like to know more about me; I have an "About Me" page on my blog:

I hope that you and your family never, ever have to endure anything that I have and I hope your family remains healthy and happy!

Lots of peace and Love!  I have faith in you as our leader!
- Jayne Armstrong"

  Here is the response that I got back; it's not from the President but from the President's Cancer Panel and it didn't take long for a responce!)  OK maybe its a form letter but it still seems personal and leugit.  I hope they are able to improve the lives of many cancer patients.  Medicinal Cannabis will provide many patients with more time to be with their loved ones and less time being miserable and in pain.

Dear Ms. Armstrong,

Thank you for sharing your testimony with the President's Cancer Panel (the Panel). As you may know, the Panel is a presidentially appointed Federal Advisory Committee established in 1971 with the passage of the National Cancer Act. Each year, the Panel holds public meetings to solicit input from a variety of stakeholders on the state of the National Cancer Program. Testimony is received from both invited speakers and members of the public. This testimony is used to inform the recommendations that the Panel submits to the President in their annual report. The information you have submitted will remain on file.

At this time, the Panel is working on its next report to the President, America’s Demographic and Cultural Transformation: Implications for the Cancer Enterprise, which will be released in January 2011.

The Panel appreciates your testimony and thanks you for your interest.


Lisa Paradis, MPH
Health Communications Fellow
President’s Cancer Panel
National Cancer Institute
(301) 451-7909"

I'm so glad that I get to go into this and get all the help that we need our it it and we deserve it.  This is the kind of program where you should be glad that your taxes are going to fund  and that is such a good thing!  Helping someone who is at this stage of a deadly disease; why not help them?  I knew we needed it and to be quite honest we have been on edge for many, many many months.  Both my husband and I will recieve the help we need to make this next journey in life.  Yes, it's a journey and I've decided that so it won't be so hard and scary for me.  I'm still scared but I know I'm going to in another place; hopefully it's just as good if not better than here; I would even mind if I could just haunt the house for a few months or so; I don't know? 

Another think he did that I'm totally stoked about is that he got us out of Iraq!  Isn't that a big deal and it was a promise!  I'm happy that money isn't going there but hopefully going to our country which deserves it; Rich Wealthy People CAN afford to pay taxes just like the rest of us.  Cut the taxes back down for us middle class and poor and increase again for those who really can afford to pay their taxes?  Oh God am I getting politital but I'm happy things are going to get better.   I just know they are!   Yes, they had to get worse in order to get better.  What we had before was a catastrophe of greed  and souless bastards robbing the poor.  Our time here should be about trying to make  things better; make moments better for us all.  Life is about love, friendship, family, and so much more; not about getting  caught up in rumors and lies?

Well some other things that I'm very proud my President has done is that now Kids can now be covered even if they have pre-exisiting conditions!  Education is only going to get better soon if all of us work together on that! There is nothing wrong with educating our future and rightfully so.  I don't feel Educating them with lies as we were done during the Reagan years is all right.  We were lied to about drugs.  Well another thing the president helped pass is that there are a lot more consumer protections against Credit Companies for unfair lending practices and I am one who had really seriously gotten ripped off by some credit card companies and thankfully all of that is over now!)  There are so many crooks out there and now its just a harder for them which is good!

Times won't get better if we listen to the stupid media (it's bought and paid for by corporations),  if we stress  the hell out and make things worse for our selves; what good is that going to do?   Feeling sorry for yourself in dire times will never solve a problem and I know this going through what I am going through.  So many are so quick to blame all of their problems on the President. and that makes me so sick?  He is trying and I feel that he is doing a great job.  I read some great articles on him in Rolling Stone and I'm still proud that he is my President.  He makes me happy and very proud; I know he can do it. I enjoyed my time on the couch relaxing and reading my Rolling Stones magazines! How relaxing that was.

OK now the truth as to what I have been facing this weekend. I have lost some strenght and am somewhat weak.  I can't get up as fast and we are on more pain medications to control extreme abdominal pain.  I have puking quite a bit and having a relentless addiction to pickles. I can't stop eating and puking pickles. That sounds totally sick I know and it's my own faught but I don't know what it is; it's the only food that is working for me right now even though I can't keep it down.  I am having a few tiny little bowel movements like little bunny raisins.  I guess this is happening once a week.  I'm constipated most of the week but at least I'm not suffering too bad.  Yesterday was just a very uncomfortable day of running up and down the stairs; using suppositoties and enemas and it not making much difference except for painful spams in my bottom that also caused violent puke fests at the same time. It was miserable but I got through them and may have another day of this.

Right now we are treating much of the nausea with my Vaporizer, Liquid Dilaudid and crushing 2 Ativans and taking it under the tongue.  This is working some but I'm still having horrible, horrible abdominal pains and nausea.  It's still not completely under control but we hope it will be soon.  My hospice care nurse will be here on Monday to assess. 

Peace and Love to all of you!

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
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