WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Friday, October 8, 2010

I'm dying to live...

I guess I'm reacting to the media and them finally taking seriously stupid bullying of kids at school and the rash of teen suicides that have happened just last month.  Seeing those photos of those young children who had killed themselves is really heart breaking and I feel so bad for those families.  I offer my deepest condolences.  I hope those families eventually find peace and solace.   What a horrible tragedy and for there to be so many of them; who knows how many there really are out there?.  

I think last month or so there was a sick guy prowling the internet looking for teens who wanted to commit suicide and sick enough to request that they do this in front of a camera while encouraging them?  How can someone actually be that evil?  As far as I am concerned this sick person is a murderer for convincing kids to kill themselves and then hearing Anderson Cooper (yes, I watched part of Dr. Phil the other night = what I could stand of it).  I can't really watch too much TV that upsets me, seeing a program about kids killing themselves while I am fighting so hard to live is heartbreaking enough.   It's really sad that these kids didn't understand that life only gets better with time and boy does it!  I wish their parents had been able to tell them this or get them the help they needed or that schools were taking more seriously how cruel bullies in Middle School and High School; hey and even college can be.

If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide; call 911!

1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
or check out a good friend of mine's website: http://peerabuse.net/ .  I'm glad my friend Elizabeth Bennett from high school put this website and blog together which I know will help many to appreciate the life they already have and help address issues with bullies.  Bullies are pathetic cowards who abuse others.

Are some of these kids (the bullies) not taught compassion anymore these days?  It kind of reminds me of a chicken pen where the weak are pecked to death until they die; these kids  seem to really go for the jugular veins of these sensitive sweet kids?  Do parents not have the time to teach them good manners and how "what comes around usually goes around?".   Treat others how you would want to be treated?  Would they have wanted to be treated this way;? even those bystanders of the bullying? Grow a backbone and stand up for what isn't right or is right; don't just join in?  WTF!? The kids that caused these children to take their lives are going to be affected for the rest of their lives; maybe not now but it will always be in the back of their minds that they caused someone to kill themselves.  I wouldn't want that on my plate for sure!  I would never be able to sleep at night if I caused such a thing!

I think bringing a child to see other sick children in a hospital setting might make them more thankful for what they do have and or having them volunteer helping others who are not as fortunate as themselves or just putting them in more real life situations where they are taught empathy for others might help?   I'm naive so I might be wrong about all of this but it seems to make sense to me.

Life can be so beautiful when you get to your 20's, 30's, 40's, I hear 50's, 60's, 70's and sometimes even 80's can rock!   OMG! Snowboarding is with out a doubt one of the most amazing feelings in the world that I will never forget!  Sometimes I even dream about it; it's my happy place!)  I wouldn't want to die with out trying that for sure!  I'm fighting so hard to stay alive  right now and I wish I could just live for so many more years!  I want to go snowboarding really, really bad this winter (maybe for the last time ever?).    I wish I could have my life back the way it was before all this horrible cancer.  Too bad I had to have one of the more deadlier types of cancer; while many probably would have given up on life much earlier; I just can't do it.   I don't want to.  Hopefully this blog can help save other women's lives and bring more awareness to this horrible disease?

Hell let's all get along like my dog does with all of her neighborhood buddies.  Many of you may have already seen this video on my Facebook page but for those of you who have not; hope you enjoy!

OK so here's my deal right now honest to goodness this is what I am facing.  Please let me know what you think about this issue and if you think I am wrong with my requests for  an artificial feeding tube?  Unlike Terry Schiavo, I am alive, walking around, conscious, riding my bike, and loving my life even though I have horrid amounts of pain; I still love it.  I don't feel that I should have to have my feeding tube turned off in order to be comfortable?  Well first of all we all don't leave this planet alive and some of us have to go sooner than others.  I do realize that my time is coming up and I feel it and realize that this reality is part of my future; hell its part of all of our futures unfortunately!(

Well my tummy is toast and so are my intestines.  I can't eat anything any more and if I were to go onto hospice care they would give me all the support I needed to die comfortably and take care of the pain.  The problem is that I may last a week or two that way.  I want to live longer than that.  The only thing I can't do is having my my TPN (Total Parenteral Nutrition) turned off just yet.  I was told by one of the hospice nurses that eventually I will need to have it turned off and my concerns were that I do not wish to starve myself to death.  OK the TPN may be feeding those tumors but it's also feeding my poor body right now and I feel hungry most of the time which is a blessing.  Well because as long as you are hungry, you still want to live.  One of the things that happens to you before you die (sick I guess) is that you loose your appetite completely?  I had no idea? It's strange I know; I didn't quite understand it but eventually it will come to that.

I just can't imagine myself not being hungry but it does happen all the time? The body just shuts down and eventually can't handle digesting food anymore.  Well my intestines and stomach are definitely there and I still have hope that maybe they will still heal. I'm praying for that?  I want to live so bad; I hate having to face this shit!  It absolutely sucks!(  I kinda bummed about all of this.  I promise to try my best to update and let everyone know what it is like to be on hospice care and everything that happens to me and around me.  It should be an interesting and helpful perspective for many others out there like me.

My pain pump is finally at the final point where it may not be turned up anymore because of some crystals that can form in the pump at a high dosage of one of the drugs inside the pump.  My pain doctor has suggested that I stick with my oral medications which soon I won't be able to handle them which is another reason why we are considering hospice care.  I am going through too much pain for a good quality of life and that's what I need right now.  I need to be comfortable and not have to deal with all of this pain; hospice nurses are specially trained to help make those transition easier.  The key word is Transition.  I had my massage yesterday with one of the hospice trained individuals who helped me understand some of the areas of Hospice care that I didn't  quite understand before.  She works for Hospice of the Valley which is wonderful organization of loving people who  help those who are close to ending their lives here and starting their next journey.   I really sat on the fence for a long time when everyone else around me was suggesting that I go on it.  I was just too scared and to be quite honest; I still am; don't get me wrong!  I don't want to die but do I have a choice?  We will see on Monday when I make my argument to keep my TPN and R2 (my stomach sucking pump).  That thing is so freaking awesome!)  I want to be able to pump my stomach too with my wonderful R2 (Gomco - Constant and Intermittent Pump);-)  I know it sounds like such a waste!  I want to eat, puke it up or suck it up!)  Currently that's how I get my fix for eating; yeah it sucks but at least I'm alive!)

On Monday we are meeting with the hospice nurse, maybe a social worker; either way communication is key.  I don't want to go into this with out my feeding tube  (&my R2) and hospice is against feeding tubes and more labs for me.  They do want me to understand that I will have to give it  (feeding tube) up eventually; also 911 is also prohibited for me?   I have to understand that this is "end of life care".    I do understand that my end is coming up but I don't want it to be sooner rather than later.  Why not live as long as I can? I just wish to be comfortable and with out so much pain?  If I can't eat organically, keeping me alive artificially with a feeding tube; is that wrong or too much to ask?  Is my life even worth it?  Many hospice care workers are against the TPN but for me I want to live as long as I can and I don't wish to starve to death just yet.  I'm too young to have to be thinking about this shit!(

I hope my post will help others decide that it's stupid to end your life foolishly (especially if your health is wonderful!?) when there are so many of us fighting to live?.   Some of us out there think its a cop out to just end your healthy life over stupid  shit things that will end soon and of course things become so much better!  If you can eat, shit, walk, love, and so much more; life is definitely worth living!   Ain't no sense in ending a good thing!  Things always get better with time!)  I'm fighting as hard as I possibly can to stay alive for as long as I  can.  I love my honey, my friends, my family, my pets and so much more!   It is another journey for most. Yeah, I will drag this out for as long as I possibly can!) I want to live so badly but we all don't have a choice when  our time comes.  I wish all of you Peace and Love!)

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Pateeta said...

This made me cry. Praying for you, that you have strength, peace and comfort. Also for those poor children who thought they had nowhere else to turn.

BJ said...

First of all, Jayne, I love the video of Blue Belle. You picked the perfect music!

Secondly, I do not think you should have to make a decision to stop your feeding tube. WTF? Who could do that? Who could make that decision about your own life? You just stay alive, whatever it takes, ok? I'm still saying my healing prayers for you and will continue to do so. In fact, I pray for you to get your health back while I meditate... I feel like my prayers are "louder" that way.

Thank you for sharing your life so openly and thank you for letting me be your friend.

Healing prayers, thoughts and hugs to you!

MLO said...

I'm very surprised that a conscious person would be asked to give up her feeding tube. Someone who is non-responsive is different. But you are very vibrant and alive still. This really doesn't make sense. How would starving you be in keeping with keeping you as comfortable as possible?

Anonymous said...


Many, many hugs to you.

I think you should be the person who gets to decide regarding the feeding tube.

I wonder if it could be that they are worried that your pain would get way, way worse and that's why they are "against" a feeding tube?

It is easy for people outside of yourself to say what they think you should do, but only you are inside yourself, and they should listen to you!

If you keep the feeding tube and eventually your body doesn't need it, you will know.

I believe in you and your journey though this process. You will know what's right for yourself. Try to listen to what they have to say and be objective, and then make your own decision.

Karen, your friend always, in sac

Denise said...

I was thinking of you in Church tonight and sending a prayer for you. You want to keep living the optimum life you can live and your right to do so is your right. I don't understand the objection to TPN, but sometimes healthcare professionals look through the wrong windows. They need to listen to you dear. If you are still riding your bike and still wanting to ride your bike, you are still wanting to live. God Bless you and you are so brave to keep posting on your progress. I admire your will. Big Hug from Denise.

Aroma Fields said...

I'm following behind you and you are such an inspiration. But I believe that if you want the TPN, you should have it until it no longer serves you well. My husbands' theory is that many medical break throughs happen every day...every minute. He wants me to be on TPN. I'm not so sure yet. He claims..."you may get your miracle medical cure and why would you want to be starving yourself to death if it should come?" Maybe Hospice knows best, however. When my brother passed, Hospice wouldn't let him have hydration or TPN as it would keep him suffering in this world longer; unable to make a quicker, easier transition. That was their way of thinking but I believe it is, ultimately, up to you.

Bless you for all the strength, desire and compassion you possess and for sharing your journey. I pray for a miracle for you!


Kristy Lancaster said...

Jayne, I'm crying too. You have dealt with so much to be so young. Sending you lots love and prayers. You are so strong, you are truly an inspiration. I wish for one day we could go back to Walnut Grove and play a game of softball, you know we were awesome girl!! Just think, you are loved from Coast to Coast!!! XOXOXOXO ~Kristy Lancaster

Laura nHurt said...

CJ, I went through Hospice a year ago with my dad , and they made me take away my dads tubefeeding and all of his meds like insulin, everything but the pain meds,And I too told the Nurse I do not want my dad to starve to death, and the nurse explained to me that when a person gets closr to their death they do not starve that it is part of the dying stage and the stomach has a part in that too, Im not sure why they make you take away the feeding because you ae concious where my dad was not , what is their reasoning for it? YOU keep fighting for it , I just got off the phone with a niece who was feeling really down and crying for no reason and I read your blog to her , and I know that you helped her , good luck and keep fighting and you are in my prayers and not a day goes by that I dont think of you , Love Laura hurt

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

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