WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Halloween with extreme pain....

My dad left early on Thursday morning (before the sun came up) and overall we had a great visit.  I loved being able to spend time with him and both my pets are already missing him.  He would take Blue Belle on long walks around the neighborhood each and every morning and then he would take Tonto on his little walk around the complex pool, the mailboxes and then back home.  I can't wait for him to return; it will be in a few weeks or months depending on which way my health goes.

We got to go to the doggie parade for a little while in the Greedy City of Los Gatos (didn't get a ticket this time; what a miracle!), we watched several games of the world series together and even went on a bike ride around the block together.  He also helped out around my home but I hated when my severe pains would erupt and I couldn't do anything but cry and convulse.  It was so scary for my husband and my dad to witness and I tried so hard to hold it in but it was just too severe to do that.  It's really weird that my pains have gotten so bad.  

My hospice nurse even turned up the dosage of my Methadone to 1.5 Ml twice a day.  It worked for a little while but lately the pains have been through the roof.  I had been out of cannabis and a good friend stopped by with some and so far so good; it's working for the break through pain much better than the Dilaudid.  Sometimes if I am smoking the same strain of weed for a while, it sometimes looses its effectiveness much like this Dilaudid is doing.  This batch I have now is finally working on some of my nausea and spasms, yippee!!  Finally but it only works for a few hours, but longer than the Dilaudid. 

I try so hard to hold the severe pain inside so I don't freak out my honey or my dad.  Sometimes I just couldn't help it when the pain got up to a 10.  I couldn't breath and it felt like someone was just stand on my chest and oh GOD my back pain was excruciating.  If I were a dog in a shelter; there is no doubt in my mind that I would be put out of my misery, but the weird thing is; I don't care, I still want to live.  See how hard headed I am?  I'm a glutton for punishment.

This little boy on this recliner; is a bad, bad, boy!  The final night that my dad was here; he got me a pumpkin in order to carve.  It seems this might just be my very last Halloween that I get to celebrate.  Well he also took Blue Belle and Tonto out for a late night walk just prior to him leaving (my sweet next door neighbor always lets him stay in his spare bedroom).   It's so convenient being that he is just next door.  Our tiny little 1 bedroom loft isn't big enough for more than 2 people.  Well anyway, he had taken Tonto on a walk earlier in the day with out the leash (he followed perfectly) and I guess he figured Tonto could do the same at night  (be a good kitty).  The leash was on Tonto when they were heading out the door, but once they got out the door; my dad decided to unhook the leash with hopes that Tonto would follow him and Blue Belle.  Instead Tonto took off and decided to hide in the bushes for a while so that he could watch all of us look for him.  He is so camouflaged at night and nearly impossible to see.   It took us well over an hour to find him and it was very frustrating; calling out his name in hopes that we didn't awake any neighbors. 

My dad felt so bad but we told him to relax and we would find him. since he had to catch a very early flight in the morning.  I said my good byes and off we went searching for the silly bad cat.     My honey  was so stressed out and I was pretty scared; we didn't think we would ever see him again.   He is a very gentle sweet unusual cat that just about anybody might be able to snatch for their pet or for their stew (yes we have neighbors on the other side of the road that would do just that) .  Since he is a chubbers; he does have lots of meat on him.   I must have walked all over that complex carrying my heavy feed back at least 3 times (I more or less exhausted myself)  and being  completely out of breath at times; I still forced myself to continue on no matter what.  I had to find my strange kitty.  We looked all over the place and it was awkward having to call his name over and over again at around 10:30 - 11pm. I was so scared I would be waking others up trying to call his name when he usually will run right up to me when he does hear his name.   

Finally after about an hour and half of looking; my honey and I were about to give up, my dad was already getting ready for bed as we were still looking for him.   My honey was so discouraged and sad about loosing our little fellow and he started rambling on about it that he didn't think we would ever see him again and then I just happened to look right next to us at this bush and Tonto was just sitting there as if he were laughing his ass off at us.  His face was so incredibly mischievous!  I had to tell my honey to shut it and to look.  We both were like "you little ass hole!".  He was playing a game of hide and seek and had successfully fooled all of us.  He must have been watching us look for him all that time.  My honey even had to go into to his job first thing in the morning, my dad needed to be at the airport at 5:30am and here it was midnight.  Blue Belle made no effort at all to look for Tonto; she was ready to be an only child!  We tried telling her "Go Find Tonto".  Normally she can find a ball or a frisbee but not Tonto.  She seemed stoked that she might just be the only child!  It was almost like she was happy that Tonto was missing; she made no effort what so ever to find him; she may have even been in on the game that Tonto was playing with us?  So now we really have to try and train her to find him just in case he gets out again and pulls this shit.

So my honey decided that Tonto is grounded; he can't go outside all this week.    Oh my honey was so mad!  He had too much to do to be looking for that silly cat! and he caused him some unneeded stress.   I actually think Tonto is getting the hang of this but if we ever do take him outside; he WILL have to wear a leash no matter what!.  He has been bummed that he can't go out the doggie door but he's getting over it.  It's kind of like he knows he is being punished for being a bad boy.   Only a couple more days and he gets his freedom back.  He's been doing a great job of taking care of me and staying at home where he belongs.   He is always lying down on his recliner as its just right behind me where he can keep a close eye on me.  If I go upstairs; he will jump down and following me everywhere around the house. 

So far I am still suffering in lots of pain but the most embarrassing pain of all is in my lower intestine where they had sewn my intestine to make a colon.  Sometimes if feels as if I have a broken glass ground hog trying to sneak out of my ass!  OMG does it hurt!.   Then there are those muscle spasms that happen on top of that which forces me to puke my brains out as I am trying to poo!(  It's a nightmare!   Please don't pity me for all this pain I suffer from; I just wish for everyone to be thankful for their own lives and to never ever take it for granted.   Life is such a wonderful gift!  For all those Mormons and Evangelical Christians; I feel compelled to say "don't waste your life trying to run other people's lives, just allow them to live their own lives on their terms; not yours or how you interpret the bible; it's none of your business.  Instead, raise your own family, they need you!   Sorry I had to throw that in because of all these Evangelicals who feel they can judge those who happen to be in love with one another.  You can't choose who you fall in love with; it just happens.  Yes, I'm upset about gays not being able to be together legally.  They need protections just as we do.  Treat others how you would want to be treated!)

OK enough of that!  It's definitely OK to laugh at my situations as well; after all laughter is the best medicine ever.  My body is doing all kinds of weird things right now and sometimes things don't look so good for me; but I know I have the will live on!  Some days I feel strong and others it seems the end is just around the corner.  This is still a very, scary time for me; I haven't been crying as much as I was; but I'm dealing with the reality of what is happening to me so much better.

I got to see the movie "The Lovely Bones" on HBO the other night and it dealt with a cute little 14 year old girl who had been murdered by her next door neighbor as she works from the spirit world to try and tell her father who had done it.  It got lots of horrible reviews but usually when that happens I end up loving the movie.  This movie absolutely blew me away and it was great because I followed it all the way through as if I were living another life!   It was very beautifully shot and a beautiful display of heaven; I hope (after all of this) I get reunited with all of my childhood pets including my horses (Hotchy, Graple, Ember, Sue Belle, and of course Skippy!).  I even had some cute little Pygmy goats; one which was pink and fluffy.  He was so playful and smart; he followed me everywhere.  I have also been reading a wonderful book about horses that is really occupying my time; I'm almost finished with it

I did talk with my Hospice Nurse today and hopefully we can get my pain under control.  The heartburn is hellacious!  OH it sucks!  I puked practically every 5 -10 minutes and my stomach today feels like I did 500 sit ups!  I'm serious, if its not one things it's another.   I am also supposed to get my pain pump filled up this week (on Election Day!) of all days.  I can't wait until we get rid of these horrible pains. 

Well I'm over due on displaying another needy horse.  After reading this book my boss had given me; I just can't put it down.  Horses really are special animals with a unique understanding of us; they are so much smarter than we give them credit for.  I almost feel they have human spirits with in them.  Well this is Puff and she is an amazing draft horse mare.  She is very friendly with people; she is hard to halter, but once she is; she will lead and follow you.  She might be deaf which makes her a special project for someone who can give her the unconditional love she deserves.   She is about 10 years old and her adoption fee is only $800.  You can also sponsor this horse and cover her food costs.  Every little bit counts for these loving, beautiful horses.  You may contact Jennifer Johns or Cheryl Forbes (805) 938 -0174 or email: animali@aol.com

Peace and Love to all of you!  Thank you all for for the kind blessings and good thoughts as I battle on!)  I never take friendship and love for granted as those are the most powerful gifts anyone can give me!)  & Happy Halloween!  
Check out my shitty pumpkin!  I tried to make an SF Giants pumpkin and it kind of got messed up as I got completely confused and cut out the wrong portions of the pumpkin so now it's just a work of art Pumpkin!)  You can pretty much make it what ever it may look like?  It's still kinda pretty!

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Lakeland Jo said...

I like your pumpkin- its different LOL. Keep your spirits high Jayne XX

l'optimiste said...

LOVE that your neighbour lets your Dad stay - go nice neighbour.. That's a real neighbour. Scarce these days. That's so cool.

And your pumpkin is better than mine - I don't have one at all ;)

as you know we just got two new children [kittens] and I remember from when I had Persians, one of them doing that exact same Tonto thing "haha - I'm hiding, search for hours while I watch from under a shrub". Makes one so cross with worry - I quite see where he would be grounded heh heh. Naughty little person...

I so hope they can control the pain. It makes all the difference to your days. And CJ, you are still here - we are all sending every positive thought [or prayer] that we can. Hope it's helping - bet the cannabis is too ;)

hugs amiga

BJ said...

Oh, that naughty Tonto! My kitties have busted out of the house and done the same thing. Actually, there were a few times we didn't even know Opie had gotten outside until I heard him howling at the front door in the middle of the night. I hate the pain you're having and I hope that your nurse can get it under control.

Hugs and love to you,

coffeemaiden said...

Jayne, I hope you know that you are in my prayers and thoughts all day. I worry about you like you were my child. I hope you get some comfort, because fighting pain and nausea is exhaustive, but admire your spirit. You are an amazing woman, and your honey sounds like an incredible husband. You are both so lucky to have each other. Love ya, Deb

Denise said...

I have to tell ya I'd be crying my eyes out because of the abdominal issues. I've had a few partial bowel obs, with vomit/dia episodes and prayed to God for them to never come back. You are a hero and an angel, and I pray for you every day. You are loved by many. God Bless you, Denise

Janell said...

I hope the hospice nurse can get her youknowwhat together and get you some much needed (more!!) pain meds and less suffering.
Glad to hear about the good visit with dad.
Sad to hear about the kitty running away but glad you found her.

Tutte Peever said...

Follow your posts all the time Jayne. You inspire me with your love, courage and sense of humour.

Tutte from portalstopeace.com now reflectionsonlife at blogger.com

coffeemaiden said...

"Life is such a wonderful gift!" What a great comment coming from someone who knows how to survive it. So many people would have given up a long time ago, and you put them all to shame. You are a wonderful example to those who whine and complain about the little things we stumble over in life.
I hope your pain is easing somewhat. I keep re-reading your post and I'm always amazed by your spirit. Prayers and hugs to you and your honey. And to those wonderful fur kids. Deb

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

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