WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Welcoming Hospice Care....

Yes, we made the big decision today to go onto hospice care.  We are a bit overdue on this decision but fighting so hard in this battle; we need a break and from what I understand they can help us quite a bit.  Now my cancer is considered technically End Stage Ovarian Cancer?  How completely morbid does that sound?  I'm still going to fight to live each and every day that I am blessed to have as they come no matter what and the decision to go onto to hospice care was definitely not an easy decision to make.  I only hope that I make it till the end of the year (or longer if that's even possible - that would freaking rock!).  No more gifts for me; just prayers and/or healing good thoughts!  I could really use some miracles!   What an understatement!   That's all I need now!  Can't take any of that shit with me and just by others thinking of me makes the world for me.  Thank you all!)

 One cool thing is that I am still able to get out and ride my old lady bike.  Yes, I'm calling it for what it is.  I can't walk for long distances and the bike is so very comfortable that I can still ride it.  All the power I need!

One thing that hospice care will do that makes me feel even better is that they will provide care for my loving caregiver and husband (my sweetie).  He deserves the world!   He has been having problems sleeping and he needs support just like I do.  Caring for a spouse who is facing the inevitable is hard.   He has such a heavy load on his plate in taking care of me each day.  What an amazing man he is and continues to be!  It is so not easy what he has to put up with and I admire him so deeply!)   I know that it kills him to see me in any amount of pain and sometimes I do have to admit that I hold the pain in as much as I can just so that he doesn't have to hear me suffering.  He always makes me feel so good no matter what the situation is; just hearing his soft voice calms me.  OK I already wrote a tribute to him not so long ago but if I get a chance to brag; I will do it!  He deserves that and so much more!

This photo is of Blue Belle and Jagger; a good friend of hers and Jagger's mom.

The decision to go onto hospice care was not an easy decision for me to make because they are dealing with end of life and I guess that's what's going on with me unfortunately.   Many  hospice care workers I hear are ready to speed up the process and I will not at all be about that!   No Way do I want this process to go on faster than ever!  That sucks!  I want to drag this on for as long as I possibly can and I will be sure to make that as clear as possible.   I guess we are a dime a dozen but still!  I'm just not ready to let go so quickly.  I do know that it will happen one day; but like all of you; I just don't know exactly when.   I was not at all ready to go onto Hospice Care last year or even 6 months ago when I have been faced with this decision for so long.

Its weird to see how right that psychology class I took at Indian Hills Community College so many years ago was.  You do go into stages of acceptance when you are dying with a disease.   I think the first was utter fear but it's actually denial.  Oh yeah there was plenty of that!  I wanted to hang on so bad; don't get me wrong I still do.   I did go through anger last year; although I am still a bit bitter about it all? I still wonder "why me"?  Every cancer patient goes through that.  Then there is other thing called "Bargaining" where you think if you do something different maybe the inevitable won't happen to me?  We did the pain pump, more radiation, and then I got good old R2 so that I could try to eat my favorite foods with out having to puke up so much; I still puke quite a bit.  Thank god for good old POT!)  It helps some!  Then there is the depression which is really hitting us both quite a bit.  My honey and I held each other for like hours sobbing together.  Love has brought us through so much of this shit.   We are both getting closer to the acceptance of this but it's still very hard; especially for someone as hard headed and stubborn as myself!  Oh and the beautiful photo above  was once again taken by Elena Zhukova a few years ago.

I am getting my pain pump turned up tomorrow at 2pm and then on Thursday; I think the hospice people will be coming over.  I plan to document as much as I can in hopes all of my information may help many, many others.

I will never forget when my doctor came into my room and told me that he felt my battle should end.  It kind of has; we can't try to kill any cancer (it's taken over) but I am living with cancer (numbing the pain when needed).  Cannabis is a blessing for me right now in so many ways.  It is the best pain killer; sometimes I need more help so I have to go stronger but in the morning hours it works best.   I know it is the reason why I am still around to this day; I got many more years than most would have had with my disease.  I have outlived many other patients and yet this disease is still quite deadly.  I hope in the future that all cancers will be looked at more seriously as they do with breast cancer; we need a cure!  I would hate to live in other states where they would deny you Constitutional rights (helping ease unnecessary pain and suffering);   It seems they give more rights to those on death row?  I am so glad it is legal in my state and I didn't have all the hell that many other patients had to go through of getting arrested or having a gun pulled on me in the middle of the night?.  I have had nothing but support for my decision to use and I am very thankful for that and the amount of time it gave me with my loved ones.  It has been a total blessing in so many scary situations we have faced!

I'm still going to fight live as much as possible;  to have  more of those good days and try to see as many movies as I can.   There are a lot of good movies coming out lately? Well at least I know I won't have to run and take a dumpers during the middle of a movie any more; I just can't eat any popcorn or Milk Duds?  I think that is what they are called.  Milk Chocolate Caramel balls?  Yummie!  Maybe I can bring R2 with me and stomach suck my tummy right after eating those yummy candies?  Well I do know Blue Belle will be sitting there enjoying the movies with me.  What a crazy request because I still have my appetite just can't deal with the pains of this monster eating me alive.  I hope and pray that one day there will be a cure for cancer and that others don't suffer as I do.  Peace and Love to all of you! I hope to post a video later on today!

Oh and I do wish to help these horses if all possible.  They are the result of the female hormone Replacement Industry.   This is Bess Nick and he was born in May 2007. Here is more information on Nick: Nick is a big bold moving horse. He is the most amazing color, a red roan with lots of sabino markings. He is dirty in this photo, we can only imagine how he will sparkle with a good bath! He should do will as a riding or driving prospect. He grew up in Alberta, Canada running in a huge wooded pasture. We brought him to The Animali Farm because he was going to be sent to slaughter. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and such a beautiful horse. He is halterbroke only, but is going to be used in the Starter class at Monty Roberts School in September 2010 where he will get some good training.  Please contact Jennifer Johns or Cheryl Forbes if interested in this beauty; animal@aol.com or (805) 938-0174.

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Maggie said...

Jayne, peace and relief of pain to you. I know that one day I will have to face this same decision. You are helping me and others with your honesty and dignity. I know we will still hear from you and I look forward to that. Hugs to your hubby and good for you for taking such good care of him as he has done for you.....

Lauren said...

Hi CJ,
I have followed your blog for a while now and have commented once or twice (I found you through doing a search for Shelties, oddly enough, as I had one up until recently), but I just wanted to remark that you are one of the strongest, bravest, most inspiring women I have ever seen! I will be thinking lots of good thoughts and peace for you. I hope you get to continue to enjoy your bike rides, your husband, and your pets.

Best wishes,

Unknown said...

I know - it is the next step. I will be here with you cheering you on as long as you can do it. I so wish it was for many years to come but know that is not to be. So my dear friend I will miss your can do attitude and your Eveready Bunny keep on biking :-) and you telling it like it is no matter what! You are one of a kind and I love you for it. It is time for you to be comfortable and have NO Pain!! Keep going but let them manage your pain so that you and your wonderful husband can just spend your time loving each other with every moment you have and he can let others do the heavy lifting (you know what I mean- let him relax with you!!) The 4 of you can spend incredible time together while others take care of all of you!! I will send you some more cute Jacquie Lawson cards that you can smile at. I love you kiddo!! Lani

BJ said...

Dear Sweet Jayne, I so admire your courage. Thank you for sharing your personal triumphs and tribulations with us with such honesty. I'm always thinking about you and praying for your miracle, and will continue to do so. You are beautiful inside and out.

I'm here for you, kiddo and I love you!


p.s. I loved the Sheltie site... too cute!

l'optimiste said...

Sweetie - such a brave and lucid post. You have and are and still will be helping people no matter what happens.

Lots of love to you and the Best Beloved :) We are all thinking of you both...

Kiwigirl NZ said...

Thank you Jayne for documenting your journey. It has helped me heaps with the O.C journey my family & I are on with my mum. You have been such a toughie! You have lasted so long!! My mum was given 2-4 years and has recently transferred to Hospice. I Pray she makes it till Christmas so we can all share it with her. But she is fading so we don't know...
I love your bike. I have a similar one complete with a basket for carrying my library books home. Just getting out in the fresh air and riding is very therapeutic for me. I try not to use the car all the time. I find Roller skating (quads) really beneficial too, in fact I may just join a derby team! Well my prayers are with you and your amazing hubby. You are not alone on your journey, even though we are on the other side of the world, my mum is traveling the OC path too and we are right by her side till the end. Bye from Tanja in New Zealand.
not blades) helps take my worries about my mum away too.

Kiwigirl NZ said...

Sorry! Please ignore last 2 lines of my previous post something went wrong when I tried to edit it!! My apologies!

Kia Taylor said...

I'm reading, but not comprehending. I'm sad, but I'm inspired. I'm at a lost for words, but there's so much I want to say. Your strength, tenacity, courage and love of others has reached so many, sending you many many prayers and love...

stipeygirl75 said...

I am sorry you have to go through all this CJ - life sucks sometimes. But you know what? I think the people who have it the hardest are the ones who CAN handle it, so that they CAN inspire others. I don't know much about cancer but the chronic illnesses I have are also painful. The "sick ones" are always the most LOVING, CARING, KIND people I have ever met. People who have life handed to them on a silver platter just don't "get" it! Those are the mean selfish jerks who have no care or consideration for others...They make me so angry that they don't have empathy and are so fixated on their own material pursuits. I don't see the point of that because their physical possessions, looks, popularity etc. are all temporary. That's why I think that you are a truly special person. You can see the real reason for being. I hope you can get lots of pain relief. P.S. I'm jealous of your old lady bike. I've been looking for one like it :)

Dennis Pyritz, RN said...

Great Blog! You are a credit to the cancer blogging community. I have added you to my blogroll, “Cancer Blogs” with over 1000 other personal cancer blogs at www.beingcancer.net, a cancer networking site featuring a cancer book club, guest blogs, cancer resources, reviews and more.
If you have not visited, please stop by. If you agree that the site is a worthwhile resource for those affected by cancer, please consider adding Being Cancer to your own blogroll. I hope you are finding a measure of peace.
Take care, Dennis

Levi said...

Such a huge, difficult decision. The day my husband made his decision was just gut-wrenching. He was so tired of all the gimmicks and chemo and false promises from the doctor.

And you crack me up as one of your primary reasons is the help your hubby will get from hospice. BTW, i have never heard of any hospice nurse "speeding up the process." It may be that when we go into hospice, it no longer feels like such a fight (as you put it) and we can settle and find comfort, ease and joy in each moment. That is what i wish for you - and as many bike rides as possible.

spiraling said...

Jayne, did you know that a lot of cancer patients actually live longer in hospice care than those at the same disease stage who stick with life-prolonging treatment? It's been proven in studies. With your will to live and greet each day that's given to you, maybe hospice's comforting measures will just help you hold on all the longer. I'm not a normally optimistic person, but I've read your blog ever since my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and something about you just gives me reason to hope--about all things, not just cancer. Thank you for being you and for all you've taught the world with your courage and your love. I just wish I could make you know what you mean to the people who read your words.

coffeemaiden said...

Precious Jayne. You are so strong and have helped so many people thru your blog. I feel like you and Jimmy are family, meaning you both go thru my thoughts multiple times a day, and I worry and stew as if you were both my biological children. (Lucky for you, I live in Indiana or I'd be over trying to help.)
Know that there are so many that love and admire you both--you for your strength and your honey for his devotion. The two of you fight with such determination. As a couple the two of you have much more than a lot of married people. You fight this monster and at the same time worry about your honey. He fights this monster too, with all his might, trying to save you, the woman he loves. Not a lot of people have that anymore.
Please remember that you both are in my thoughts and my prayers each and every day.
Love you both,

Anonymous said...


Many blessings to your sweet heart. (And your sweetheart too!)

I think that you and your hubby will feel very supported by hospice care.

You are phenomenal in your bravery and inspiration.

Thank you so much!

May your journey be peaceful and your heart at ease.



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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

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