WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

OMG! A kiss, a trip, and it's pulled out = my Gastric Tube!

Yes, that's right, my honey and I have been having a hard time getting things moving inside my body and with the tumors still growing inside my delicate organs, the gastric tube was finally moving things out and I had been pooping all night long = yeah! -) I had fixed my honey his usual coffee, I even baked him some yummy weight gaining muffins; (they were mostly for me); only I can't eat anything at all today (because of the hole in my tummy!) and I will briefly explain why unless of course the title does just that!). Well, I had gotten up to 600cc  of puke  (well that's basically what it is) draining and I was lying on the bed sitting up on some pillows and watching my honey get ready for work.   He looks so good (I'm so lucky, I really am I think!) These are the hours that we cherish together; or at least I do; and I do know that he does too!) Anyway, he is looking at the wonderful bag that is filling up with stuff  (most would have been grossed out but for us it is life = I'm still alive!) that might have been stuck inside me and then he steps over the tubing to give me my good bye kiss, oh that sweet kiss and then  yank! (ouch! squeal and what a squeal it was; better than those wimpy Hollywood screams!) he trips, a few cuss words accidentally by both of us I'm quite sure and then we both realize the bag had been jerked out of my stomach.! What a trip!  He freaked but I managed to stay as calm and cool as possible because freaking out for me does absolutely no good in these types of situations (see we really do take care of one another) ; I didn't feel it was a big deal because I had a gastric tube jerked out of me before  (I got to jerk it out and not the doctor, or was it the doctor; hell I don't even remember; it was after I had eaten pizza so many months ago; actually it has probably been a year; lots has happened in a year; I haven't even been to work in over a year.  Wow it's taking quite a while for this body to heal after so much trauma!  2 major absominal surgeries, I'm not sure how many chemos, 2 different kinds, then some radiation, and now it's all natural until something good comes out soon that may just help shrink or even kill these tumors inside me. 

UPDATE: I called our sweet  home  nurse (now I feel like she is my sister) immediately and she told me not to worry, just cover it up with some 4 x 4 guaze and to wait until 9am to make an appointment with interventional radiology to see if they can fit me in today in order to replace the bag. Maybe it happened for a reason because we had been trying to make an appointment earlier than the scheduled date of May 5th thinking there might have been something wrong with the older tubing since it wasn't draining all that much and of course my tummy hurt like hell and sometimes it would be burning which really meant that I needed to be drained.  How weird it must be to live with a tube in my tummy all the time and I can't even take showers with this stupid thing?  Yeah, I could bandage it up really good and wrap myself completely in celophane, but that would totally take the fun out of a shower always being scared of getting that and my pic line wet!(  I don't even like the way latex feels after sweating in it= OK maybe I did at one time= yes I've had those wild days of my youth!)

OK that icky bloody bandage is what I had on when it got jerked out (by love) and sure there is some blood there, then there is the Foley bag that has some of my stomach contents and that black little curley thing is the broken balloon (it almost looks like a horrid worm or snake!) &; that had been holding the tube in there?; there was supposed to be a balloon; did it pop inside me?  All this commotion for a kiss and I say it was well worth it!)   It was a great kiss!)  I think that's why it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would!)

My honey was so worried about me and felt so horribly about this aweful accident = that face; he frantically apologized and was completely worried about having to take a day just like that; (well he is back at work now as the times are;  unprepared off; no warning; I told him to please not worry at all; just go to work; with all that he does for me;   I will get this taken care of and I did.   I bandaged myself up and then looked around for a sandwich bag in which to put the tubing in that had been ripped right out of my tummy and all I could find was a "Hello Kitty" sandwich bag in which to place my tubing.  After getting a 24 hour recording; I left a brief message and then I called our home nurse again and she was able to get through right away and asked if could go right now which at the time was about 9:30ish- 10:30ish?    I could call my honey and have him drive 20 minutes home or call a neighbor.  Well staying home all this time and having such a cute dog; I know most of my neighbors pretty well.  I called Blue Belle's best friend's mom and she was able to give me a ride to the hospital.   Love thy neighbor!)

Well I got there and was able to go to the back within 15 minutes; wow!  they are really starting to recognize me quite a bit there lately!  Quite a few of the nurses would walk by and just smile so big at me; I would smile back.   Well I  did just get my pic line replaced just a week or two ago (oh that was pretty painful! Getting a wire tube yanked and then replaced inside my vein (a main artery to the heart on my left side) Well this blog isn't holding anything back on what I endure on this journey so you will hear it all here! 

   First in order to get sedated; you need more time so I chose not to be sedated; I wanted to get this fixed right away.  I didn't think getting a new one would hurt like a bitch like it did!  YOWWCH!  When I got the tube put in today; YOWCH, have to say it again; they stuck a wire thing in my tummy where the hole is; it must have gotten stuck on the way in; then the tubing on top of that and OMG it hurt and I squealed like a pig probably; once again; it would put those Hollywood actresses to shame; OK maybe it wasn't that loud but I sured wanted to scream that loud or much louder.  Tears just streamed down my face as the poor nurses that were working on me; told me to next time to PLEASE request sedation; "I can't bear to see you in this much pain".   It was very painful and much more painful than when it was yank out; I wonder if it was because the skin had been pushed inside out? YOWCH!!  Anyway, I thought it was a balloon but instead a  pigtail wire? (that's what they called it?)  that is bent is merely holding this thing inside my tummy?  It's feeling rather sensitive and sore now.

Just to change the subject a bit; I took this photo of Tonto last night as he was resting on his Lazy boy chair!)  He just looked too happy!)  No it's not really a lazy boy but it is a good knock off!)  He seems to love it so he stretch out as much he likes!)

Well this post will be short and hopefully updated as the day progresses! Darn; I really wanted to ride my bike to the pet store so that I could  get Blue Belle some food; she is out right now and only gets the very best food; she prefer Evanger's in the Gold Bag.  She really likes their Venison and especially the Pheasant and brown rice!)  Well Tonto doesn't get all those choices; he is strictly on the Royal Canin Urinary SO but he likes it just fine.  He loves kibble but hates canned?  Why is he so fat still?  He has to loose 3 more pounds and he will be at his ideal weight.  I wish he could give me those 3 pounds and Blue Belle could stand to loose a little more  too; she needs to loose 5 more pounds and if I got all of my pets poundage; I think I would be OK except for those stupid shitty tumors!   Well my honey was able to pick me up; take me to the beauty supply store for my favorite shampoos and conditioners and then to my local pet store for her Evanger's Dog Food.

How I hate CancerPeace and Love to all of you and more updates to come!

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Thursday, April 22, 2010

Is it arthritus or just bone pain?

How I wish I could spend more time outside instead of being stuck indoors a lot lately!(  Hope you all are able to get outside and enjoy all that nature has to offer!)

Well this time my blog may not be able to be updated as much as I would like but the bone pain in my left wrist has been unbearable; I will tell you more about that later, but it could possibly be related that I am left handed and this pick line has been in my left arm since December.  It is the worst kind of bone pain I have ever had and then again it could be arthritis.    It hurts just to reach for things or to carry anything with this arm; but I do it anyway as I have  to  everyday of my life.   I'm not sure if this is something strange from the radiation but no it couldn't be that; it has to be the other embarrassing thing I will admit later on in this post; at least I am laughing about it.  Well I do have what is most commonly an old lady disease so why not get more old lady problems like arthritis; right?  The cool thing about having an old lady disease is how many wonderful women out there are more than ready to treat me as if I am their daughter and that's fine and OK with me.   I didn't have much of one growing up and I am eating this up more and more.  I love each and every one them; no matter what.   It's great having so many moms who want to take care of me or just be there for me.   I'm there for each one of you!)  Some of you who read this might not have cancer, but I bet you do know someone who is touched by cancer.  We are all going through this disease together and hopefully it will be power in numbers that we do eventually find a cure.   The more the merrier, right?  

Here is a photo of my most recent picc line which was replaced 2 weeks ago last Wednesday (April 7th) in interventional radiology.  If you click on the photo you might even be able to see those tiny sutures holding it in; eventually the stitches will either break or absorb into the skin.  Well after that happens then I have to have a sticky, itchy thing called a StatLock to hold it in and that thing itches like hell!  It is so hard to not itch it and part of the reason why my pic line had to be replaced (I had itched so hard that the pic line almost came out!)  Now that is scary shit!    I guess you might learn something new everytime you visit my blog!)

Well today I had forgotten that my massage was not later in the day as I had thought it would be.  My best friend brought over her little rescue pit bull puppy name "Shovelhead" kinda late this morning so I was struggling for time trying to clean up and get everything ready for my massage.  He was a typical puppy; getting into  everything and my friend thought I was a little more stressed than normal.  I guess I was.

My friend's puppy did not look at all like a "Shovelhead"; but I guess that  is not what it is about when naming a dog after a motorcycle; it doesn't come off the tongue as easily when the pup gets into things like jumping up and almost catching his foot on my abdominal tubing.    Oh, maybe the round engine thingy could look like his head but what about the snout?  My friend had  come over to try to help me out a little and to see if the puppy could get some early sociallization with Miss Blue Belle since she is the best dog in the world for socialization except when a dog is way bigger than her.  She got to meet a huge 160lb Mastiff just the other day at the vet's office.

This little puppy drooled like a Great Dane all over the floor as he went from one bowl of water to the other (Blue Belle and Tonto's water) and we both tried to be on top of trying to keep the floor clean.  I had to hurry and reach for my slippers so that I wouldn't walk on the wet drools with my socks on. (ewwwwl)  Meanwhile Tonto was stuck outside getting wet and no where did I want to have that 7 month old puppy chasing around Tonto in my unpuppy proofed home; Tonto had some shade from the rain but it was very cold outside, but he had his double coat that is shedding tremendously  and it still keeps him nice and warm;  he and Blue Belle are very much worth every one of those lint brushes that we have to pull out and clean off the cat and dog hair off of.   I kept Tonto outside because I know how completely ruthless he is in a chase and he will usually knock things over onto an unsuspecting dog and I don't wish to have any thing broken or disheveled in my house right now.   No stress please; not now before my massage which I look forward too each and every week.  

OK lots of excitement as Miss Blue Belle didn't want to start a chase with this puppy  because he would reach over and knock her to the ground  with some great force and plus it was messing up her pretty Farah Fawcett hair; except her hair being "Blue Merle and White".     The dogs did try to play together outside but the puppy just got too rough with Blue Belle and it hurt her feelings.   I knew this because she would hide behind me and look up at me like "what did I do?" We finally had to go back inside because it was so cold (like a cold November day) and it started to rain.

Well also; it's appears that I may have sprained my wrist the other day by wiping my ass so many times (lots of severe diarrhea)   The scary thing was that it was all black stool; the nurse that had come to see us on Monday confirmed that it was old blood which could be from the tumor and/or all the surgeries and it's just coming out of my system.  We did get a blood sample just to be safe and the results had come back that I am borderline annemic and could at one point need another blood transfusion since one of the numbers on my blood test seemed a little low but not to the point just yet of needing a transfusion just yet.  Well that will explain all the damn sleeping!

Well this is what it is like to have a hot husband shopping for and with you.   What a nice butt he has!  I have to pinch it ever now and then; it looks so good!  He was with me every step of the way helping me shop.  We had our list and sometimes we added a few things but we did get the important things.  He helps me in so many ways and I will forever be thankful for all of his love and attention that he gives me.  He feels it is his duty as my husband to help me and to be there for me and that he is.  I do hate scaring him with my pain spasms  (the heavy breathing and crying) sometimes when the pain gets up to a 9 sometimes; I will usually try to pretend that it isn't so bad just so that we don't have to go the hospital; the tears streaming down my face is usually a dead give away but I'm still hard headed and stubborn and just don't wish to go back to the hospital.  I haven't been there all year except to get my tummy tube replaced and then fixed and then just 2 weeks ago to get my pic line re-inserted.  It's pretty amazing and I hope I don't have to go back for a long time!

Some days I am constipated and other days I have the shits; there just isn't any in between and I just wonder why?  How come my system can't just be normal just for one or two days?  I have to have this tube in my body and this pic line; so no showers for me and I haven't even had one since December for that one week!  No matter what my system; my honey loves and cares for me no matter what.   I still remember how it felt to take those showers and ever dream about them!  He doesn't seem to mind helping to bath me in the bathtub sometimes and everyday I am amazed by his love for me. 

With all the that shitting, it sucks not be able to go places on days like that and being confined to a toilet; it sure made the downstairs toilet seat purchase padded instead cold ass ceramic!(  Yes, we had to get a new toilet seat and I was super bummed that all of the soft seats everywhere on-line and at stores all seem to be light colored or white and damn do those seats need to be cleaned right away or you have shit stains for light and ain't no body who comes to visit will ever want to put their ass on that seat when it gets to that point.   Even bleach won't touch one of those vinal seats; why are they all light colored?  Do they not understand all the possibilities of what can happen under normal wear and tear?  It just sucks that we can't own a good quality padded seat.  I got some serious spasms with that cold ass ceramic seat!)  OK enough about the shitting and the toilet seats!

I have been feeling extremely fatigued and of course frightened that I might not wake up one morning because of feeling so fatigued. Well my fears have eased after that wonderful massage which also seems to have worked out the pains in my wrist.  While I was on the table; we kept hearing these popping noises; couldn't for the life of me figure what it could be; I kept thinking it was Tonto trying to open the locked doggie door from inside (we was all soft and dry and I just didn't have it in me to be cleaning the floors all day long; he goes in and out at least 20-30 each hour and tracks in mudd and little beaded pollen.  Well anyway a huge pop happened and I instantly jumped off the massage table to find that I had burned my honey's hard boiled eggs; bummer..... Well both of us were laughing at my chemo brain; it was funny and boy did it stink.  I did cover the smell with burning sage (worked like a charm!)

Well that was the end of that wonderful massage which I will look forward to Thursday, May 5th with my honey.  I think he needs one more than I do at times.   Last night my honey spent part of the evening together (after the Sharks win = now it's 2-2 against the AvalancheGo Sharks!
Here's to me getting better and finding my own cure for cancer.  Everyone's body is different so it takes their own remedy!)   Peace and Love to all of you!  My apologies for the short post & GO SHARKS!!!!

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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Cancer Pain and Medication....

Thought I would add some photos and a good video in this blog entry.  Blue Belle is just letting you know that she is sorry Mommy has not given anyone an update in a while.  Check out her cute lashes!  Her left eye has grey and white lashes and her right is just plain beautiful black lashes that never needs mascara like mine!  Yes, I am jealous of my dogs lashes!) What a life!)

Yes, I have been stuck on the couch a lot lately in severe pain from some tumors that the doctors have told me are inside my abdomen; there could be as many three; I am told.   I have been having to take up to 3 Neurontins (Gabapentin) a day and those do make me feel sleepy and very, very dopey.  I don't feel like talking or being around anyone because it seems that I am not myself being on those pills.   I haven't been calling my loved ones as much as I like lately because of how I feel on these medications.  Well that's also why I haven't been updating my blog as much as I would like.  They mostly just make me sleepy and I cry all the time too!  Not sure why; I think it is the medication and the fear of dying.

We haven't really been going anywhere lately because of my crazy intestines and having to be on those pain medications.  I have been getting lots of bone pain from the radiation and this is the only reason I am taking those pills is because it's better to not be in so much pain; so dopey and sleepy is how I will be!)   My left wrist, and my right ankle almost felt as if they were going to break and then my ribs were the radiation had taken place started to hurt like crazy so I got out of my stubborn ways and listened to my honey and our darling nurse (we love her to pieces and I'm sure she feels the same about us); and am now taking those pain pills. 

I do always have to pee and sometimes the poo factor is also put into effect before we take any kind of car trips (it is a good day no matter what if I can do both!); I'm must be getting that under some kind of control; just not ready to wear those big people diapers just yet although my size might even fit into some Huggies Pull-up Training pants diapers or Huggies Supreme little movers!); now that would be a trip!  My weight is being maintained between 119 - 114; so far, so good!).  

Oh; have I been hooked on Trix Kids Cereal (just a little-yes Trix are for kids!) with strawberry yogurt, lots of cut up strawberries, blue berries, and the most fattening spray whipped cream I could find; so much so that couldn't even see what is underneath the yummy looking breakfast, lunch, or dinner; as long as I can eat something and it can put some weight on me!)   Of course I have to do my ritual of a good joint before and after I eat so that it does go down; if not; I do end up puking everything up.  I hate that feeling so much! I have learned my lesson so many times that now it's natural to just do so.  Yes, the plant is keeping me alive and helping me to gain some weight or at least maintain.  I can't imagine if I lived in a state that prohibited me from using.  I do take the Zofran sometimes but it just makes me really drowsy most of the time.     I have been getting the munchies a lot more often lately (thanks to another good friend's donation) so hopefully we will get up to the 125 mark and I can finally get some more bootie for my honey to enjoy.  Yes, still kinda sorta built like a 9 year old; but hopefully some boobs will also pop out just like the bootie often does!)  It sucks when loosing weight on a woman; it always seems the boobs are the first to go and the last to return!

  I do trust this Administration so much more that the last but you never know in allowing me to use a plant to help keep me alive.  I would have to remind this President that his mother did die from this very disease with in 10 months as I was given and here I am more than 7 years later!  How can that be?  I can remember so many times when I just could not stomach anything; and then just a few little hits on the bong or the Volcano, or even a joint; then being hungry as hell and finally eating and drinking water!  I just felt all those incidents were pure miracles because I did feel that I was dying from being so sick and then being able to stomach eating and not feeling any pain.  Cancer is such a painful disease; sometimes there are still those who somehow believe this plant is evil even though I have heard that it is in the bible and has been used for medicine for thousands of years. Anyway enough of that. I'm sure I have discussed my love of this plant thousands of times!

I did call Cancer Centers of America and they do need a referral from any of my doctors; mostly my main doctor; an Oncologist; he is a good guy but I sometimes feel that he really enjoys the perks of prescribing the more deadly medication on me only if my body can take it from several of those Pharmaceutical companies; or just have me go on hospice care and prepare for my death in 30 to 90 days. I'm not ready yet and I will keep on fighting!  I have this pure love in my heart for my honey that is totally keeping me alive.   We just live our  days as happy as we can together one day at a time.  I have been facing some days thinking that it is sometimes it may seem impossible but I kept fighting through all 6 of my major surgeries and sometimes I still suffer in severe pain, I continue to fight.  I pray that there will be a cure one day soon!  

I do know that cannabis has been real blessing for me in maintaining munchies (my weight), making me really thirsty for more water or juice and even that nasty Ensure!  Most of all it is helping me to stay alive just like some of the other drugs that my doctor has been prescribing me for pain.  Pain could cause me to deteriorate so I don't deal with it so much; I just pop one of those pills when the level hits a 7 (scale of 1-10).

A good friend of mine did send me this most amazing video of "Britain's Got Talent". It's really amazing and just makes your heart turn warm just watching this (well at least it did for me!)

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
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