WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

An Over Due Explanation in the hospital...

Well I'm here (hospital room) and well rested; I was going to try last night (to type up this update) but was way too emotional; perhaps I still am.  As I went in Monday for my final 10 zaps on Palin; I had to see a nurse first because we had gone through many fevers for the entire weekend; (even a few that totalled 102.3; the ER run amount) it was mainly stressful for my honey who was wondering whether we should be in the ER or trying to fight this BS at home.  Of course I always favored the two of us against the world; no ERs for me; or at least I thought.  I can be so freaking stubborn sometimes; but when we went in for my final treatment on Monday; they weighed me; then  they took my vitals, temperature and then it was agreed that the best place for me was in the ER so they took me there.  It was a very long wheel chair ride over there while my honey was outside waiting for me; the nurse and he walked me over to ER and right into a room almost immediately.  I was quarantined for fear that my immune system was very low and I had infections in my blood.   I had to had to wheeled down for CT scan and it was confirmed that I do have an abdominal block; I had tried to take several sennas through out the weekend and of course they were not working; what a first; I hadn't been constipated in months!?    I was beside myself and just knew that I would go sooner or later.

I absolutely love this photo of my beautiful husband and dog together; this should be on a greeting card; but instead; it's on my blog; the best place ever!

We finally got to talk with my Oncologist whom I keep surprising; he makes these outlandish predictions and I seem to go the opposite of what he expects; that's OK;  I hope and pray that I will keep surprising him and many others; we have a good run this year; it wasn't expected at all that it would be this smooth; OK maybe some of it wasn't so smooth but in all it wasn't at all expected that I make it this far; we might have a few weeks is what I understand but I have this very strong will to survive so we will see.   My apologies for not making this update any sooner.  

Well today I expect to get a nice visit from my beautiful sweet Blue Belle whom I don't have too many photos of. Forgive the dirtbag photo of myself; I haven't had the pleasure of washing my hair since Saturday and it's hard being hook up to my gastro-tube and IV (well I have to admit it sure it nice to not have to hooked up to a nasal gastric tube (NG)) That is the best part of it all; instead it's just a little tube in my tummy that has almost come out a few times??; they rarely give you the opportunity to be free of  many, many tubes; but I did put in a warning that I would like some clean hair finally? Hello!) 

 My honey is staying home today as it is a very emotional day for both of us; we have to enjoy every day that we have together as much as possible.  I still feel very strong inside but it puzzles me that this thing could kill me.  I'm still holding onto hope that my intestines are not the toast that the doctors are saying that they are; it seems the radiation may have done them in; I do have a serious kidney infection; bladder infection, and some blood infection which could be from the picc line being in my arm for so long.  The dressing is due to be changed sometime today.  Perhaps I can add some updates as  I receive them.


I did have the worst nausea ever while I was in ER and we were able to calm it down  some; it is now.  While in ER they attempted by hooking up my gastric tube to a container deal that didn't quite do the trick because it wasn't hooked up right? Go figure?  How does that happen?; they hook it up and forget that I'm just there suffering somehow but I just sit back and look OK seemingly; this skinny little girl I am; I must look about 10 ish now with my girlish or boyish figure. and old lady face.   Anyway, as for the nausea; a young man nurse had suggested that I get a shot of this drug that actually had an active ingredient found in cannabis known to stop nausea in it's tracks; I was like "bring it on!" and he did.  He had to give it to me in a huge needle; in the right ass cheek bone; GDAM did it hurt!: "OMG!   What the Fuck just happened?"   I cried a little bit; tears did come out; I have to admit; I was a chicken monkey at first; scared, yes, ; and some more an hour later, 2 hours later; 3 hours later, why is it still hurting just as bad?  it mostly just felt like someone kicked my ass really, really, really hard or ran into me with a moving vehicle?  It didn't even touch my nausea at all; perhaps it was meant to distract my nausea by causing at that wretched ass pain?  

How horrible it hurt and it kinda still hurts to some degree if I put any weight there; didn't feel the anti-nausea at all. but I sure felt the pain with out any doubts.  It sure don't hurt like that when I smoke?  How it that harmful? and that fucking stupid shot isn't?   Now this kind of medicine needs to improved; as a tester of this drug; I do give it 2 thumbs down and I would never ever subject myself to this kind of torture myself in this manner ever again; believe me; I have tortured myself in many ways with this stupid cancer shit; hell I am continuing to with stupid Palin!  The Tumor of Society who knows just as much as my bloody tumor does! OK that was bad; but how true could that be?

& As Always;  Peace and Love to all of you and more updates to come!

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Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Radiation has started on Palin....

Since my radiation treatment was at 1:15ish; my sweet nurse stopped by to check on me at  around 8:30am yesterday morning; mostly to check my medication intake (we record everything on one of my very special spreadsheets that I came up with and it's so easy to read; it even includes pain levels when ever I need to take any pain medication (1-10). 

After my nurse had left; I took Blue Belle and Tonto on their walk as both were very, very well behaved; Tonto was so grateful to be able to go outside (he skipped a day = Daddy gets embarrassed and does not want his sexuality in question while walking a cat  (he thinks its gay!) ; but this cat is very beefy and masculine? How could walking Tonto be Gay? I just don't get it?)  I just    don't get being gay with walking cats or masculine beefy cats like Tonto?)  He is like a Bulldog!) I  guess I will never understand?  He is the Bulldog we have both always wanted.

Well Tonto was so happy to be walked that he actually allowed for me to clean up after Blue Belle and walked ahead of me in order to take her poo bag to the dumpster.  We had another dumpster diver in the garbage where I accidentally threw Blue Belle's poo right onto his back by accident.  I told him he needed to leave and that this is private property.  I felt bad but I saw this person daily and I just know that this person had a problem.  I wish our city could better fix people such as this.  I need to have a degree rather than an understanding of these people?  Somehow I feel my words of wisdom just help them?  

Maybe I am dillutional about that?  I have read several books on hoarding and even noticed some tendencies in several friends and even my own mother.    I did ask him "Do you live here and if so what unit number do you live in?"; of course he did not live here; more than likely he was a hoarder which unfortunately is pretty common   with people of his age and dress style. Most hoarders feel that they need to gather as many possessions as possible and will even look at most things that you and I would consider garbage or useless as something they could use at a later time.  I also have a neighbor who lives like this as well and has even admitted to me her problem.  I sure wish there was something that I could do to help her.  I did read a really good book on hoarding and have come to understand it and it did have one line that could help many of these hoarders "I have yet to see a Hearst equipped with a U-Haul hook up".  You just can't take physical possessions with you when you die and it's mostly family members who have to pay thousands to clean out all the junk; because most of it is junk.   The illness is also linked to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

Well after the nice little walk with Blue Belle and Tonto; I got a phone call from a  very good friend who just happened to be in my neighborhood and is hardly ever this close by; so he stopped by and dropped off some very special medicine which really helped me to digest my breakfast; I have been loosing more weight more than likely due to Palin (my tumor) or maybe even my pain pump?

I figured that this photo of the actual Palin being strapped in a car; could be the best analogy of my tumor also called Palin only its strapped in my body ready to be zapped by the radiation!).  I did finally start the radiation process yesterday on my tumor Palin.  Most of the appointment involved some tattooing on my tummy and lying flat and still on a very cold table with that pillow that simulated a butt pillow for hemis.   I had to lye there for so long with my arms above my head holding onto these two sticks or levers (I'm not quite sure what the analogy of those things are; but they were like levers placed above my head for simply holding on and ensuring that I stay still); my left side started to get really sore from the metal that was on the table that the radiologists had to stop and add some padding for my little bony ass.  They had to move me a little bit and that wasn't hard at all since they did tell me that most of the time they have to get about 5 people to move patients and that two were enough for me and they did it so easily.

This is very similar to the machine I was sitting on only the one I was on seemed like it was moving me inside a dark cave; if that makes any sense.  I'm mostly describing this for others who may seek the same treatment

Finally after being marked on, then little needles poking me; I was ready to be microwaved or so it seemed inside that big radiation machine.   I could tell that being microwaved or at least that is what it seems; that I will eventually feel some burning and just a little bit of pain in that area but hopefully this Palin will die and go away as we wish this other delusional Palin would go away too but she loves the attention of being in the public eye too much.


I'm really not sure what it is but what ever it is; is causing me to have to vomit at the very same time that I am sitting on the john.   Sometimes I can't help but squeal at the intense pain (pain level 9 out 10); it scares my honey to death when I do this; so I try very, very hard not to scream out in pain.  I usually have to have my honey's holy bowl with me when I go to the bathroom and when I sit on the couch; I never know when my intestine are going to jerk like that (its very, very intense); I mean it could Palin (tumor)?  I didn't vomit much yesterday after the radiation, but that just could be because of the good pot a friend gave me.  Sorry that's just the truth.  I used my vaporizer and smoked a rolled joint and after that I had NO nausea or pains;   OK, maybe just a little; but I did get the usual diarrhea of the day (prior to smoking); that sucks but at least I am still alive.  I just have to deal with life's little inconveniences; at least I am not in the hospital using their fiberglass toilet paper; I get to use Charmin ultra soft and even baby wipes and Aloe Vera lotion when it gets too painful and it does!  Well anyway, I slept very good compared to most nights where I am up all night long; running to the bathroom constantly; mostly to pee and to poo!  It sucks; but I'm alive!  That's the important thing.

By the morning; most often I am so incredibly exhausted that I can't wake up when my honey is up and getting ready for work.  This morning I felt much better.  I'm working with the cannabis and just eating small meals through out the day and not raiding the fridge as I have to admit I had been doing; hell I think anyone would puke if they ate like I have doing?  I just have to smoke before and after I eat so that the nausea never takes effect.  I think cannabis is different for me than it is for most recreational users; it gets rid of pain, nausea, and dehydration causes but the extreme diarrhea.

The only reason I am proud to show all of you my ugly nasty; pit hair looking photo (nooo I do NOT have pitt hair!) of my decrepit tummy is because I AM STILL ALIVE AND PROUD TO BE!   Please do be happy your tummy does not look like mine; I just don't care at all; I have someone who actually finds this attractive and he's all I care about; he is the best!

Not so sure if any of you can read the text  in this photo on the left; yeah I guess I look fat, but believe me I am not!   that I wrote on my body trying to label Palin, which is on the left, then the round protruding hockey puck looking thing is the "Medtronic Pain Pump is on the right, then the Tube at the top is a "Gastric Tube" it isn't at ALL for feeding or taking any kind of medication; much like my ass; it only for items going out;  well, yes I do pump water into the hose (everyday) and then that in turn takes out pressure which is gastric fluids that may be causing my stomach extreme pain from probably gases?  I use a urine bag to catch all the stomach acids and this is done every single day or I just pump about 50ccs of water into the tube everyday.   I'm not sure, but the decompression does keep me out of the ER in that I don't have to get an NG tube stuck down my nasal cavity which is a very good thing; those things suck!  If I don't pump water in; it could close up the hole (which is much like a pierced ear = wow a hole in my stomach!).  If you click on the picture; I think you should be able to read my labels of my ugly looking tummy; just be thankful that your tummy does not look like mine and yes I did find a man who feels that my tummy is the sexiest tummy ever!  So that's all that matters to me!

Anyway, I got my appointments (for radiation = 10 in a row)  at a time that works best for my honey and I; he won't allow for me to bring Miss Blue Belle; I was thinking she would be great in the Radiation waiting room with all the girls awaiting their radiation; many are just stuck working on a puzzle and some I have seen sit there and they seem to look terrified in a corner; I always try to cheer the women up or to crack them up with all of my crazy body functions (that have especially happened since all of these darned surgeries = what ever keeps me alive!) of my body.  My body seems to make the craziest sounds and I have yet to be able to make some loud farts; (forgot; one night last week I did; they were very musical!)  only stinky and silent ones and I always warn others when they happens (only if they are silent deadly ones); I'm sure they are deadly! Cancer Farts  Only I am calling them Palin Farts; blaming this tumor for everything that's going wrong in my body; I can't wait until Palin (tumor) dies and gets out of my body (that would be cool if I could just poop it out!); I can't wait until all of them go! Here's to a cure!  We also need a cure for ignorance as well!  That seems to be a huge problem even in the mediaAmerican news can most of the time not be trusted in that it is mostly Propaganda.  We see that just in making cannabis (which helping in keeping me alive) illegal; was based on lies and propaganda.

For those of you still interested in teaching your cat how to walk on a leash:

I wish all of you Peace and Love!  No more anger and aggression!
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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
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