A Slow Painful Week....

Tonto still loves the tree and I still have not had the heart to take down his Christmas cat tree.  I think he will be devastated if I do so I have reserved President's day (February 15th) as the day I will take down the decorations.  So Tonto you get to enjoy those decorations for just a few short weeks and my mom really wants to see my tree.  She has been so concerned that my honey did not get me a Christmas tree and to be quite honest; this tree made me plenty happy.  I laughed like crazy over Tonto enjoying this one so much and he didn't damage any gifts (only gifts for him).

Here I am in my jammies and not sure why this always happens with jammies but I will wash them and after one washing they are instantly too short for my long legs; they fit perfectly the first time I wear them and then they shrink and become prepared just for  me in case there is a flood.  I guess it has been raining lots lately but it's not like I'm going outside to go wade in it?  Why do pajamas always shrink?  What the hell?  Even my favorite Paul Frank PJs have shrunk!

Oh how I wish I could go snowboarding and the weather has been so perfect for it.  If I have to get some depends; we may just make it up to Reno or South Lake Tahoe for a nice little Romantic weekend.  We have been talking and talking about getting away but it's just been so impossible with so many problems with my insides.

I found this wonderful photo of father and daughter which was taken about a day or two before my dad left.  I sure miss him and so does his grandpuppy.  She sure loves her grandpa.  Well to update you all on some things.

I am still on IV fluids in the evenings and on heavy pain medications; I still have a home nurse who comes out to check on me; I'm still trying to get stronger and stronger so that I can hopefully return back to work in March but it may not happen the way things have been going lately (a few close calls for ER visits).  I'm not loosing any hope or faith that I will get better.  The social worker that visits with us knows the reality and has seen it so many times.  I am one who believes in miracles and prayers.  I have lots of people out there praying for me and I have lots of positive thoughts and energy as I do my easy yoga stretches.  I just got my honey to do (only 3) some yoga stretches with me.  This is hard on him too watching me in pain.  It's the reality of this disease and sometimes he cries and I of course cry at least a few times a week because I am scared.  This could very well be a slow painful death for me but so be it; life is worth it for me. 


Here is Blue Belle enjoying her Snuggie (she absolutely hates it with a passion).  She feels that her beautiful coat is too gorgeous to be covered with a Snuggie.  It's just not worthy enough to cover that gorgeous coat of hers.  Look at her; she looks as if she did something wrong to have to wear the damned stupid thing!  It's kind of complicated to even put on but she sure does hate it.  She thinks it sucks and one of the worst gifts she has ever gotten.  She would have rather had a toy or a snack!  Well, I also got one for Christmas too that I too (just like Blue Belle) am not into wearing. I have plenty of snuggly blankets and such and the best Angora like afghan (Got it in North Lake Tahoe in a neat little village) which I love and wouldn't dare replace.  I will keep that stupid snuggie in the closet in case it is ever needed.  I always thought those Snuggie commercials were the dumbest commercials ever.  It's like they think this will some how catch on as being the latest fad; just like stirrup pants will make a come back!

It seems lately that Comcast Cable is not worth at all what we pay. With the amount of commercials; we should be getting paid to have to watch all those endless stupid acting and stupid loud announcements that we should buy, buy and spend, spend, spend.  What about recycle and be happy for what we already have?  We don't need Aggressive (Progressive) Insurance.   Progressive Insurance is the most expensive insurance out there?  They have to pay for countless stupid commercials and charge us for them?  It makes no sense.

Enough with Commercials but we did get Comcast solicitors asking what changes we would like to see with Comcast.  I would love to be able to pick and choose which stations I would like to have; not some package that forces me to have to have unnecessary programming like Fox Noise or Home Shopping Channels and so much more I could totally do with out.  Most of the programming is just 5 minutes of a program and 15 -20 minutes of commercials or at least it seems that way.  I do get lots done during commercials (sometimes I get so much done that I miss the program!) and we do have to mute because the commercials are so blasted loud at us that it almost makes us have an anxiety attack or fall out of chairs or even get mad at each other for turning up the TV just to hear the TV program that we happen to be watching.    What is with that?  That is no quality of life  that these stupid advertisers do to us.  What cruel and unusual punishment that they spawn upon us with their junk!  If they treat us right and don't put harmful chemicals or products or rip us off; let's just go with word of mouth advertising; no more aggressive loud commercials with horrible actors, no excessive spending and then charging us a fortune for that expensive advertising.  Sorry just venting.  I hate having to sit on the couch in pain watching television because I'm in so much pain that it hurts to move. and then being abused by annoying manotonous advertising of junk that I certainly do not need.  Been having plenty of evenings like this but I still get to enjoy some of them with my honey.

Well a whole week came and went just like that; Yes I am lagging on my blogging; many apologies for that!  My friend had come over last Monday and we had planned on going over to the VA hospital but it was raining so incredibly hard and she didn't want to drive my Prius in the hard rain and of course we didn't wish to cart around a smelly wet dog in her car so I figured I might be able to get another errand done and do that errand just  another day this week or next week.   I hope to get that done sometime this week or next week or how ever long it takes! It must get done! Instead we looked up some natural products on the internet for her own health problems and of course mine.  We drove over to Saratoga to a Natural Chinese Health Store and a nice little Cafe for some lunch.  I finally got myself this Essiac Herbal Supplement extract formula which I will try in a few weeks (after I am done with some mushroom vitamins and such).

Here it is a week later; weekends seem to last as long as weeks lately because I sleep through so many days with my pain.  I thought I would do something a little different with my blog.

What I am trying to explain here is that I'm not supposed to be out riding my bike or I become disqualified for home nursing or even hospice care?  I would need to ride my bike to the hospital in order to get my vitals, pic line dressing changed, and much more.  I am on heavy medication which limits me in driving; I refuse to drive on those heavy medications but I am able to ride my just around my neighborhood and besides it does act more like a wheel chair for me since I am unable to walk long distances in taking my dog out for a walk.  If I walk for too long; my intestines start to stir and then they feel as if they are about to come out of my asshole and trust me; that does not feel good at all.  I can't handle very long car rides but I am able to ride my old lady bike with a huge comfy seat and its like I am sitting down and just moving my legs in a circular motion; most of the time I'm not even peddling; just coasting.  I love it and I hate that I'm not supposed to be riding my bike?  I'm not supposed to be out trying to get myself healthy?  I don't understand this whole hospice thing or what is going on with my health insurance but it could just be that they are ready for me to pass on since I may just be too much trouble for them to have to take care of me.  I hope that isn't the case but I love my bike and it's another great quality of life that I love being able to do.  It isn't like I am pushing myself too hard; I just can't walk far distances and I need to be able to exercise my dog.  Part of the fun of me owning my dog is exercising her and she is so much fun on a bike!


Oh almost forgot; the Sharks did beat Minnesoda 5-2; so I made my honey some Sharks Victory cup cakes (teal cupcakes).  Check them out; the whole process.  I lost count of how many I ate, boy were they good! My honey ate quite a few too!   I'm still trying to get some more weight on my boney little ass.  and an extra surprise the next morning; we all had teal poo the next morning! Anyway as I said in my video; peace and Love to all!

Getting ready for a Doggie Party and More!

Well today I am washing dog toys, and rugs.  We are going to a doggie birthday party tomorrow providing it does not rain.  Today was such a beautiful day and fighting a cold; I did not make it outside today.  Tonto has been entertaining me by running all over the floor and knocking all those tiny little leaves he got outside on his feet in the rain all over my floor; but I have been mixing the sweeping and cleaning with yoga so I am feeling as if I am healing why trying to keep up with a rambunctious bucking of this very playful Manx cat.  While the spinner of the cycle; I kept hearing what sounded like an Alaskan moose squeak (it only squeaked and alarmed me and the animals maybe about 3 or 4 times during the whole spin cycles) that was actually coming from the washing machine.   We all jumped when we heard it the first time.  I think that was what was making him so playful was that sound.  

When I did finally finish that cycle; I laughed my ass off when I took a look at what the sound was.  I had been feeling the effects of the new Fentanol patches that my honey had replaced just the day before and of course having to take 1mm of Dilaudid and an Ativan for severe ass spasms and all night shit fest (please forgive me for my wording but it does piss me off some nights that I have to go sometimes literally all night long = like every 20-30 minutes all through out the night and the poo that comes out burns like hell)!  Aren't you glad you don't have to suffer from those?  I can laugh about it now but boy when they are going on; they are not at all pleasant.  My poor ass and intestines have been cut up so many times and are continuing to go through hell.

I had decided to go through all of Blue Belle's toys to find gifts for a friend's pup's 1st birthday party since we are tightly watching our money; regifting was our only option since my spending used to be a problem and I am doing so much better lately except for food.   I still tend to loose it going to the grocery store only when hungry and there is nothing at all appealing in my fridge or pantry.  Should you never go shopping starving or stoned.  I don't go stoned shopping anymore but hungry seems to be a problem as well.   OK back to washing Blue Belle's toys and of course some of the rugs in the house needed to be washed as well. At least Blue Belle got to pick out the toys (she has more than enough = enough for at least 5 more parties).  I also had to wash out the washing machine after that load because of the lint left in the washing mashine and who knows what else was in there?   I had found this trick of using vinegar in the washing mashine as detergent to clean it out?  Hope it works.  

It's been so nice to have my honey home with me to take care of me and I do plan to treasure the next month with him since he returns back to work in a month.  I have lost my rights to drive since I am on such heavy duty drugs and I wouldn't dare get behind the wheels feeling any of those effects any way.  It does suck that I have so much pain in my body to have to control but I am still alive and very thankful to be at that.  This disease does make you treasure all the time  and all the moments spent with loved ones; even if it's just on the phone, on Skype, and especially in person

This weekend has been fun and I'm still looking forward to getting some much needed errands done on Monday and hopefully this won't be another week of not getting anything done.   I did get a call back from the lady in Palo Alto about what is needed to get my dog certified to work in the VA hospital.  

Kinda funny story and a bit awkward on my part and the poor volunteer's part.  Yesterday was a total "My Bad" and boy was it.  I feel really bad and really guilty about the whole thing but I can't help laughing; am I evil for thinking this?  It's just my honey's cute personality and his extreme protectfulness and what goes on in that cute mind of his.   Well, I got a call from a lovely organization called Transitions; they are funded by another organization called Hospice of the Valley; they had called me on Wednesday evening to try to schedule someone coming out to sign me up for their massage program or what ever other services they can provide me with.  Anyway it was pretty awkward and kind of funny how it all played out.  I'm pretty spacey especially having to be on all of these meds; I wanted to tell my honey about someone coming out on Friday and completely and totally spaced them coming out on Friday morning around 11am.  My honey and I had slept in some and I jumped out of bed at around 10:30am and not wanting to wake up my honey; I remembered the 11am appointment which I wanted to try and make by myself (should have included him and told him earlier, but I didn't get a chance to).  Anyway, the man rings the doorbell and I let him in and we begin talking about the program briefly.  I'm thinking my husband is sound asleep.  He had been suffering from a cold and had been taking Theraflu Nighttime cold medicine; so I really did figure that he was konked out for good.  Anyway, the man was older; probably in his 60's and he gave me some compliments that I was very pretty and that I did not look at all like someone with a terminal illness.   We talked a little bit about the program and then we started talking about massage and what the program offers.   I asked him about Reiki and if he could explain it to me; well then his voice was a bit effiminate (my husband said it sounded very creepy) and he said "well I have done Reiki and it is wonderful and my hands get really hot before I give anyone a massage!".  Right then we hear some stirring upstairs as my honey hurries to put on some clothes.  I guess what he had already heard creeped my honey out!  He comes downstairs and his hair is all wild and crazy looking and he's wearing his Grinch warm furry pants.  First thing; he had no idea some strange man would be in his living room talking about giving his wife a massage and also he had some forms that he had wanted me to fill out and sign.  My honey made it clear to the man that he had no idea that he would be there this morning or that he was not aware of anyone stopping by; of course my heart stops beating and I'm flushed and embarrassed that I had forgotten to tell him and immediately appologized for both and just told both of them that I'm sorry I spaced this whole appointment and I had just remmembered the appointment this morning and didn't want to deal with waking up a grizzly bear this morning.  

Yes, he is a grizzly bear in the morning to wake up and not at all fun to wake up in the morning; particularly if I have kept him up all night from going to the bathroom all night long as it has been usually.  Oh I felt so bad; 3 days is not enough time to tell him sometimes and I try to tell him right at the moment but he wasn't around for that phone call.  The man was completely uncomfortable as my honey read over what I was to sign and then looked over at me and then at my husband then said you know I think you two need to talk this over first because I don't feel comfortable all and he then made a B-line right for our front door.  The poor dude almost fell on the ground when he couldn't open the door but he finally made it out.   He nearly ran out the door; my crazy looking husband didn't do anything to him but his tone was not very friendly.   Oh God how I felt bad.  We  then had a normal couples spout about this but all is better now.   I just had to laught at his impressions of the man talking about how his hands heat up and how I look so young and pretty.  Thank god we resolved that!    I can now laugh about the situation and hope we can get this resolved because after researching everything; it is a very good idea and a great opportunity for me.   Maybe I can voluteer to visit hospice patients with Blue Belle?  Who knows?  Well now I am anxiously for awaiting until Monday when one of friends will be able to drive me to Palo Alto to sign me up for the Veteran's Hospital Pet Therapy Volunteer Program! 

Peace and Love to all and another update to come!  My sincere apologies for lagging on the updates!

Fun with Family...

I'm so glad that my husband has also been able to have some good quality time with my father who arrived on the 16th which was on Saturday.  Well, during most of the stay, I had still having been those spells where I get tons of energy in order to get things done around the house (can't handle very long of trips away from the house = because of my extreme bowel issues); we did get to take bike rides everyday except for Monday because of some really heavy rain that lasted for most of the day and week; but just skipping one day out of 4 isn't so bad and we made it up by going on 2 rides on one of the days (forgot which day; must have been Tuesday). 

The nice nurse had arrived on Tuesday and she did talk with me further about wanting to get on Transitions which is I guess sponsored by Hospice of the Valley; I'm mostly just interested in getting some Alternative Health suggestions and services such as Raiki Healing Art and regular massage. Many voluteers work here and it would be cool to volunteer as well with Blue Belle.  I could help them as they help me; I could help Kaiser as they have helped me.  What comes around goes around and I pray that this voluteer work will help me get strong and that perhaps good kharma will pursue and somehow a miracle could happen to me?  Could this be possible; well we shall see.   I am also getting signed releases for patients who wish to get their  photos taken with Blue Belle and used on my blog.  Of course all links would link to the Palo Alto VA Hospital or what ever hospital is offering dog therapy.  This will be fun and it will great to have that feeling of helping someone else as so many have been helping me lately.

When we went to pick him up; Miss Blue Belle  climbed up into the middle console of the Escape and then into his lap to give him kisses and looked gazingly into his eyes as if to say "I sure missed you Grandpa!" She sure did remember him and it was amazing to all of us at what she did. 

Now when my dad had arrived; my honey had 4 free tickets to go see the Sharks play Edmonton (they were nose bleed seats and he just got them just the night before late, late maybe midnightish); we started to go to the game but I started feeling very sick as if I were going to puke and poo at the same time.  My intestines are not feeling so great lately.

We stopped at Henry's High Life which is the lowest point in San Jose and usually gets lots of flooding, but it is also one of the oldest buildings in San Jose.  Since the bartender had given my honey plenty of tickets in the past; he did the same and gave those tickets to a family who would surely enjoy the game and they bought him a beer for that sweet gesture. What comes around goes around!)

 My dad had been taking Miss Blue Belle out for a walk every morning at 8:30am (that he was here) and she had come to love it and has even come to expect it.  She still has her hopes up that her Grandpa will be there at 8:30 am to take her on her morning walk.   Her first morning with out Grandpa was a hard one and the evening with out him was hardest on her because she kept expecting Grandpa to just come right in through the front door only it never happened all day long!(; so Grandpa if you are listening she would very much like to Skype soon with you or for you to move out here so she can see her Grandpa everyday!.  She is such a patient girl and will wait as long as it takes for us to wake up in order for us to  take her out but with Grandpa here; she was in absolute heaven. She could bring him any one of her toys and he would gladly play tug-o-war with her or toss it for her to go fetch.  Her grandpa was great to her and she misses and so do we!  We had a nice visit with him and now we are looking forward to my mom and her sister coming to visit with us on February 8th. 

I still love rain even though the rain has hampered us being able to have much fun outside; although; I will still go out and have fun in it despite getting wet (my honey doesn't want me getting sick out in it); well that's exactly what happened to him when he went out for Philly Cheesesteaks with my dad.  A waitress that was waiting on him was sniffling, sneezing and coughing on him and the next morning my honey awoke to the equivalency of swallowing chopped light bulbs. 

That is why it is so important for employees to stay home when they are infectious with a cold; especially food service employees! But unfortunately; the law doesn't cover them for sick days and the rest of the public has to suffer because they must come to work or they can't pay their bills.  My poor honey!  I almost don't like going out to eat this time of season and would rather make home cooked meals for my honey. I wonder if Grocery Workers are giving their employees sick days too?  It's very important for workers to recieve paid sick leave.  My company was very generous as many companies are unfortunately not.  You have to be thankful for what you do have.  I would pay extra taxes just so that these people for whom I have contact with would be able to stay home and not get my loves ones sick who is taking care of me.  Well now I am feeling a little sick.  He then gives me the sickness. We tried with washing our hands and he is so good with doing that.

I have also been trying to call the PA VA Hospital (left several messages to volunteer services) to see about having Blue Belle and me volunteer; but with all this rain it had made it impossible for us to drive down there and with my intestines going crazy we were barely able to squeeze any outside trips; my honey promises to help me get over there to get signed up and tested (TB test) and for Kaiser Hospital.  It is my dream to be able to help others with my gorgeous soft pretty dog.  There is something to be said over petting and loving on such a soft beautiful and cute dog!  I know she wants to help too; because even out in public; she feels everyone could use a little doggie therapy.

I always remember that laughter is always the best medicine.  I don't always enjoy such serious, violent, or scary stressful movies and for the last week or so haven't seen anything all that great to remember.  I did get to see Julie & Julia which was good (Amy Adams character is a bit winy & a bit annoying but Meryl Streep never ceases to amaze me even seeing her as a crack addicted mother trying to sell drugs in order to support her two sons after her husband passes away.  I can't for the life of me figure out the name of that film; it's listed NO where and I have seen it before.  It was so heartbreaking to see even parts of that movie (just couldn't stand to watch it not that she wasn't doing such a fantastic convincing job).  So I had to check my email and quickly got immerced into some great jokes and videos which made me laugh.  I need that more often than none!  Sometimes just checking my email is amusing enough for great jokes that can make you laugh hard so I had to share this one with all of you; it's kinda dumb but funny enough:

Nag, Nag, Nag

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.......

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!

  

Hope all is well for all of you and sorry to some of you for being a flake at phone calls; just busy enjoying my time with my honey as he takes such good care of me.  We have lots to do in order to prepare for the unknown.  None of us know when that time will be and I know my doctors and nurses don't either.  Miracles happens and what about the power of the mind and Good Kharma? 

Peace and Love to All!

All this Beautiful Wonderful Rain!

My sincere apologies for not updating this blog this week as much as I had wanted to.  I did almost publish a full page of hard, hard work that I had done on this blog and blogger had frozen up; I waited for hours to be able to save all of my hard work but of course that didn't happen.  I figured it had saved but when I got up this morning to try to publish again there were only 2 little paragraphs and no photos or all of that hard work of typing up so much about what had gone on this whole week.  Here is the first of the two paragraphs I had finished.

Oh, how I wish we could have  just put the dam snowboard racks on the truck, so that we could just pack up and just go!  We have been getting the most amazing rain these past couple of days.   I love the sounds of rain hitting the top of our home; it reminds me of running all over the house, packing things up, getting all my snowboard gear together, running packed bags and things to and from the house and the garage!  I want so badly to go snowboarding; just for a few days!  I just can't admit  to myself that I am not strong enough to go  just yet  but I am practicing some on the Indo board; my legs for some reason are no where near as strong as they were a year ago.  I have lost so much strength in my legs; I did go for a bike ride last night and even several times this week (and today!)

I can't believe I have been sleeping so much!  It always scares me when I sleep for so long and just don't have the strength to get out of bed.  It will be like one day I am so ambitions and get started doing everything imaginable in the house from vacuuming, to sweeping and mopping, laundry, folding clothes on the couch, then picking up large stacks and putting them away or carrying large baskets of dirty downstairs and then carrying stacks of laundry upstairs.  I even want to try to hang up a few photos and even order some photos for my aunt and mother.  The day after the ambitious day is spent all day in bed.  I have no energy to get out of bed; I just sleep all day long and just waste it away.  3 days of this week have been wasted; but at least the nights are not too wasted; I get some things done at night; I just hate the feeling of wasting any days because I still don't know just how many I have left.

This photo was actually taken the day before they were due to arrive; I had just washed my car and filled up the tank so that my mom and aunt could use the car to drive around town.  Yes I did get the opportunity to talk with both of them and my Aunt did tell me that she is so very ashamed of herself for putting my mother through such a horrible, horrible situation and for disappointing me; I did forgive her.  I didn't have the heart not to!)

When I talked with my poor mom, she was so frustrated at having to lie to me; but the truth of the matter concerning their trip  of first driving across halfway across the continent and then boarding a plane in St. Louis, MO was; well they were almost there and it was snowing just outside of their hotel room in Kentucky (more than likely is was Peducah which is just outside of St. Louis).  My aunt just totally freaked out on the snow; she refused to go any further on that trip; she wanted to go home after driving so many hours and almost being there to board that plane to CA.  She was very scared that she would have to walk in the snow. 

Well here in sunny San Jose, CA; we just got some rain; no snow for us except in the Sierra's.  She would not have had to walk in the snow; just drive in it and then park the car in long term parking, then wait for a bus which would have taken them to the airport (that's the way it is here (SJC)); she just did not want to walk in the ice.  Yes, they drove 12-15 hours and then decided to turn around because she didn't wish to walk in snow and ice?  It was so insane and my mom nearly lost her mind going through all of that; it was like trying to convince a rock.  My aunt lost it and my mom was unable to convince her to come to see me.   It was  a time and a moment where my Aunt was just thinking of herself, being selfish and many people unfortunately do that; not that extreme but they can be selfish in their own ways.  My mom wanted so badly to come see me but they were able to reschedule the trip (thank god the airline would not refund; only exchange! Yippee!= I still get to see my aunt.)  I can't wait to see them and this time they are flying from Charlotte, NC.  Much closer and no where near as much driving to do!)

I did get to talk with my Aunt and she apologized and told me how embarrassed and how foolish she felt that she put my mom and I through this.  She told me that Old Ladies do dumb things sometimes and I told her that I do plenty of dumb things myself but I do know that I sure wouldn't do something like that!  I am still trying to conceive of how it all happened and I can picture the two of them getting cross with one another and agueing and bitching at one another; it must have been brutal! I was really looking forward to spending time with them well now it will be February 8th when they arrive.  I have a surgery on February 10th to replace my ureter stint.  I sure hope this isn't just another reason that the doctors wish to end my life soon; I'm just more trouble than I am worth. 

Well tomorrow my dad will arrive into town to see me and to help us out on a few little house projects and to have plenty of fun together.  I'm so looking forward to it and guess what; I may not be able to have much time to update my blog.  My nice neighbor next door is allowing my dad to stay in his extra room so that will help so much.   I do have the most wonderful neighbors I could ever ask for.  One cool thing that I would like to do with my father (providing my bowels behave) is to ride our cruiser bikes to Santana Row, Lock them up and then  go see "Avatar" with 3 D and of course Miss Blue Belle may be able to ride along with us (we will see= she loves to go to the movies!= it's the popcorn and snacks). 

I do have this one weird strange neighbor that keeps walking around in the back near our garage as if she is out looking for me.  I keep seeing her behind our place and she gives me the most scary mean looks; actually she glares at me.  I will one day ask her what is wrong and tell her of my situation; maybe she has a spell put on me and wants me to die?  I hope not.  Although right now (I just took Miss Blue Belle out for a run out on my bike (she gets to run along side next to me)  around the block (2 blocks) and when we returned, Hilda the Hun was out walking behind our place.   She has this wide stance and is an Indian or Middle Eastern Woman who dresses in garb (not garbage; I don't wish to offend any one; some of those sheets and stuff have very beautiful colors and go together  so elegantly; I think many Middle Eastern Women are very beautiful but this one has a sort of beard and a little bit of a mustache, but her garb is mostly dark forest green and black sometimes with a dark blood red hat or head covering.  To me,  she seems really weird and strange around me (I call her Hilda the Hun = well she could be somebody's Hun I suppose?)  She appears to have an extreme hatred of Blue Belle (and me too even though I smile and say hello to her each time) and she will look at Blue Belle each and every time as if she would love more than anything to make a great stew with her and what the hell am I doing walking around something that could potentially become such delicious, delectable dish in times like these?  When ever I do smile and say hi to her, she just glares at me and  always strikes me the coldest strike me dead  looks and with the glare that she gives  sends me chills each and every time.  Why don't I just sacrifice  the dam dirty dog and skin her,  just make this cold woman a nice stew, and then I could be a nice neighbor and share the meal with her and her family?  Anyway, I couldn't even dream of doing such a thing for Hilda; no Blue Belle stew! Sorry!

I did have  a very nice sweet neighbor cook me a nice little meal of soup, bread and a special  spice bread which I had gotten from her last year around this time and it was to die for!  just yesterday evening.  The card she gave me made me all teary eyed because it was so touching and sweet; she is there for me no matter what.  It's so awesome to have that kind of support.   Everything she brought me was so good and I am so blessed to have great neighbors who do care so much about me.  I am starting to gain some more weight and am now up to 112 lbs.  Yippee!  Once I get up to 120ish and up; I may even be able to start working; oh how I hope so!  I will surprise my doctor and all those nurses and probably even my co-workers!).  My body is strong as you can clearly see me doing these somewhat difficult poses for most.  See I need to focus my energy on all the good in this world and stop worrying about the bad things because there are plenty of good things that are happening out here in this world.  Well the Haiti Earthquake wasn't very good and I was able to donate just $2 at Whole Foods when my best friend came out to take me shopping there last night. 

Also, I did get another visit from the Social worker on Tuesday and of course I cried my eyes out at the realities that we are facing. I am starting to think more and more about our Health Care system and how stupid those Republicans (OK there were some dumb Democrats out there too!) were being for saying that if we all get health insurance for all then Grandma will die; well the way that it is now; grandma is being killed.  I am being pushed towards Hospice Care which is the end of life care in that they pretty much help me end my life with dignity.  I just don't want that just yet; why am I being pushed so much towards this?  If I do choose to go onto Hospice Care; they are not allowed to save my life should I need anything life saving like surgery, IV fluids, or intravenous feedings.  I am on IV fluids everyday now and of course it is saving my life right now and if I were to get an abdominal blockage where as now I could just go to the emergency room to deal with it; on hospice care I would just be drugged up until the blockage killed me; because that is exactly what would happen.  So how is this current situation not about killing grandma?  I know technically I'm not a grandma but in fact I am old enough to be a grandma as scary as that sounds.  A girl that I used to work with who happens to be a young woman has a young teenage daughter who just had a baby last year and this woman is a few years younger than me; but technically she is a grandma.  I can't stand dishonest people and those representatives for those towns were being completely dishonest with their constituents in making up those false statements like those.

I wish so much that our Health Care System was more about Saving Lives and not all about Profit Margins and such.  A life should be worth more than any amount of money.; not about making lots of money until the body gives out and then makes the patient die a slow painful death because the body can't take any more of those poisons.   I see so many pharmaceutical commercials that it downright scares me with all those potentially life altering side effects that many of these drugs cause.  It's illegal to use natural substances to make drugs because you can't patent it?  We need to make drugs that work and cure patients; not just treat them; but actually cure them.    I know that if I could only stay alive for many years longer; I could do a lot of positive things in my life to help others.  It just goes to show you that you do have to enjoy every day that you are blessed with and boy do I.  I love every morning when I  get to wake up next to that very handsome husband of mine.  That's what keeps me going everyday.  If he stays in bed; I can't get out of bed.  "He is the butter to my bread and the air to my breath"?  (Yes, I watched Julie and Julia; loved Meryl Streep in the movie but Amy Adams  just had this winey little voice that was quite annoying.)   She was kind of the same in the movie "It's Complicated" too.  I guess I'm just not a big fan of Amy Adams; I'm sure she is nice but her voice isn't captivating like so many other actresses.  I love Meg Ryan, Demi Moore, Julia Roberts, Charlize Theron, Selma Blair, Wynona Ryder, and so many countless others who have great voices; I just don't like that talking out of your nose sound.  It doesn't sound that great to me at least. 

Well sorry for so many links but Amazon has this really fun tool where you can make just about any kind of link you wish to out of what you blog!  It pretty fun!  I hope you all are having a splendid New Year and that everything is going about as planned for each of you!  Here's to a Healthy and Happy 2010 and so far so good!)  Peace and Love to All!

A Wonderful Day with my Honey....

Well yesterday morning at 6:01am; I got a very disappointing call from my aunt who had called me from a hotel in Kentucky (Comfort Inn); apparently they were snowed in and therefore could not make it to see me.  They were just going to turn around and go back 12 hours of driving instead of less than 1 hour and delay a flight.   I was so crushed and I just knew how far they were from the airport when they had called.  They were maybe 30-45 minutes (maybe an hour at the most) from the airport and had driven over 12 hours to get where they were going.  I'm not at all sure why they decided to do this (my aunt has never flown on a plane and is scared to death of flying),  (My aunt lives in Richmond, VA and my mom in Spartanburg, SC).  They would meet up and drive all the way to St. Louis, Missouri

All day long my honey and I have been going through all the reasons ton why they were so close and could have easily come to see me. and they just turn around and drive over 12 hours back?  OK I know it was a bad snowstorm but they could have left on the same flight the following day?  Could it be new Air Restrictions as in this photo?  I would not be a bit surprised if it ever turned out to be like that.  I really can't stand all of those dumb ass people who have to make it harder for the rest of us by doing stupid, stupid things.  It is really dumb to try to kill a bunch of innocent people.   

I know my aunt has never flown before and it unfortunate that she has  to purchase 2 tickets because of her obesity but she was able to do so; so why throw in the towel and give up?; I'm not giving up?.  It's really sad but if I were her; I still would have done anything to come see my niece whom I haven't seen in over 20 years and may not ever get to.  She may not have another chance to see me; GOD I hope so.  I don't know if I can fly with the restrictions they have now; they might hurt me with all of my medications that I need or frisking me; they might pull out my picc line or my gastric tube.  I just can't travel at all right now.  I could in a private plane but not commercial; too many restrictions.  I couldn't stash my pot either; I would end up in a Federal Prison.    Oh how I miss her and her jovial personality.  She would have loved to have met Miss Blue Belle and Mr. Bigfood Tonto!  We do have that love for animals in common!)

 

They still had a few days and could have made it the next day into St. Louis.  I don't know why they bought tickets for St. Louis (12-13 hours away driving) and I wish so much we could have helped them get here.  We have gone over and over many of the details.  I do know that my mother also forgot her cell phone which I am paying for with our family plan.  She always looses it or forgets and so does my brother.   I figure; I deserve to talk with my mother and my brother  whom I love very, very much everyday if I choose too every day of my life !); I pay for it and therefore I deserve to but it's so sad that sometimes I will go months or weeks with out talking with either of them.  They  just never answer their phones; I have to call my mom's home phone first and ask her to please turn on her cell phone so that we can use our family talk plan (always turned off or it goes straight to voicemail) they do loose their cell phones often, my brother always either breaks his phone or damages in someway and I will always have to send him a new one (it's always my honey's phone; I would usually have to buy him a new one).  I wish so much  that they respected me more than that but that's just them.  Sometimes they won't answer their phones on purpose because I know they don't wish to talk with me and that really hurts.   I do know that it is like that; they both suffer depression and it's the way they deal with my problem (cancer).

I don't know maybe I am being way too sensitive but when ever someone gets me anything; I try my best to take good care of what ever it may be. and cherish it for as long as I can.  It always means so much to me when ever anyone does anything for me.  I never take those things for granted.  If my brother or mother or even father decided to get me a cell phone and pay for it monthly; OMG; I would totally be thankful for it.  I never ever, avoid calls from my own family.  Maybe they are scared of what is happening to me and it's just some sort of avoidance behavior.  They don't want to worry about me and if they don't hear bad news; it's not happening.

The only way I know how to contact my brother is to call his job; I can never call his cell phone; he never answers it.  Once in a blue moon (if I'm lucky once or twice a month).  Thank GOD his contract just expired and his phone just broke so I just cancelled his phone! I was just waiting and waiting for his contract to expire so that I could just cut my losses and hopefully he can be a man and get his own cell phone.   I love him so much and wish so much I could talk with him everyday.   We are those close brothers and sisters who could never ever get mad at each other no matter what.  We were always best friends and I know it must have broken his heart when I moved out here; but I couldn't help it; something just drove out here to Cali.

I did get to Skype with him twice so far and I am so happy that we were able to do that.  It was so amazing and I was so happy just to see his face and his kitty cat which is also a manx.  There is no way I can contact him with his cell phone (it just goes straight to voice mail).  OK enough about my dysfunctional family; at least I have an awesome husband who loves me like no other.  I'm so proud of him and I'm proud of my family too even though they have their quirks about them.  I wish I could talk with them every day but that's just not in my cards to do so.

UPDATE: We just skyped again and we got to talk about my mom's trip out here and he was totally unaware that the two of them had turned around and come back.   He thought that the two of them might already be here  It was so awesome to be able to talk with my brother and to see him too as if he were in the next room.   Well hopefully he will be able to go over to my mom's house and put her phone back on the ringer so that I may call her.  The cell phone is turned off and the land line is off the hook?

I still have much to look forward too despite their spontaneous cancellation.  I had even gotten them a hotel room for such an excellent rate!(.   At least I was able to cancel with out any charges.  My father is coming to visit me on the 16th so I will try to plan some fun things for us to do and I definitely would like to go bicycling with him everyday that he is here and of course go to the Palo Alto VA hospital with Blue Belle.  This will be fun and enjoyable for both of us; no all three  (including Blue Belle) of us.  Blue Belle loves to work; she hates the dog park but loves the hospital.  I hate the hospital but she loves it?

Anyway back to the phone call she had told me that they were snowed in Kentucky or Indiana? and therefore they couldn't make it to come visit me but yet there were going to turn around and go back home (12 hours back).  I was so incredibly excited that they were coming to visit me.  How depressing and disappointing.  I just can't believe they actually did this?  I was so looking forward to be hanging out with them and just enjoying their company; just seeing them and to be quite honest; my conditions don't seem to be improving much.   It's getting worse and worse to talk with doctors and nurses with out them suggesting that we at least sign those pink papers "Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining  Treatmetnt (POLST)".    I hope I am around at least till the end of this year and maybe next year and the year after that and the year after that or hopefully till I'm 50; that would be ideal!  If I survive to be 40; that's OK too.  I was just watching the Green River killer and how many young women didn't get to survive as long as I am have been alive in fact there are so many that don't.  That's exactly why we have to be thankful for everyday that we are given; and don't just look forward to tomorrow; enjoy every moment!)

 I am worried to death over finances for my honey should I pass.   I hope everything is perfect for him in every way should I pass.  I don't want him to have to worry about anything.   He is the best man there is; he has served  his country and even risked his life doing border patrol on the DMZ in North Korea.  I'm so incredibly proud of him for that; he has so much integrity (I have never met anyone with more integrity than this man!) and so much heart and soul and he certainly doesn't deserve my troubles.    I'm so very thankful to have him everyday that I am alive.  What a blessing he is; an Angel who walks amongst us; as he would say the very same thing about me; I feel that way about him.  We always tell each other how much we love each and everyday.  I still try my best to look good for him, to smell good for him and be the best wife that I can be.  He still allows me to take days off when I feel like it and I have taken quite a few with out any complaints from him.  I looked so ravagely sick and unseductive (didn't brush my teeth but will in a few) and somehow he still found me sexy somewhere? 

We did have the most wonderful day on Wednesday.  We went out to see a movie and I was so happy and relieved to have my lap dog sleeping on my lap and calming me down.  The movie was so amazing and I didn't have to go potty through out the movie! How cool is that?

The movie we was Avatar and we were kind of short changed because they didn't give us the  3D glasses to see  the movie with; but since the movie was so dam good; we plan to see it again at the CiniArts Cinema at Santana Row.   I give this movie 5 stars and 2 thumbs up.  What an amazing movie and it does give us many ideas and subtle clues as to what we are doing to our own environment.  Everything that I have been thinking and worrying about here; you must respect what you already have on this earth; there is no need to destroy everything in sight just for few bucks; cherish our parks and wildlife; they may not be around for ever.

What a wonderful movie to enjoy!  We both ate a chocolate bar and drank water while Miss Blue got to snack on her kibble and then nap on my lap.  Yesterday;  I know I could have had the energy to make it out of bed but I did not get out of bed the entire day (it was that phone call  that I got this morning from my aunt where they had decided they were not coming to see me); I didn't even get out to go ride my beautiful bike.   I just layed there in bed sad and depressed that I would not be spending the weekend with my mom and my aunt.  I still don't understand what happened at all; but I always try my best to get things done no matter what even though my health has stalled me for most of this year from even going to work.  I don't feel that either one of them is facing what I am facing but I still try to get things done.   I do know that I can't fly to see them; so that's why they were planning to come see me.   I had the alarm set to go pick them up; I had done many laundry loads, vacuumed, dusted, cleaned and disinfected both bathrooms, washed my car and filled up the tank, even got the key faub fixed, reserved them a hotel, and even thoroughly groomed my dog (Deodorizing Spritz Lavender) and cat (Earthbath Mango Tango).  Both of them still smell delicious! and they love it!

I know that I must stay alive even though I keep hearing the nurses and even my husband, the social worker and everyone around me telling me that my life could very easily end suddenly with all that has happened to me end anytime now.  I have been cut open too many times to count and I know they know this too; but I will surprise everyone and survive the inevitable which has already happened.  My spirit is strong and I have a very strong spirit with me who helps me everyday.  I wish I could film what he does each day to help keep me alive and all that he does so that everyone could believe in real love or that it does exist.  We are just like those old people that you see like the one who pushes the wheel chair and helps the other one with getting out of the wheel chair or into the car; but we are young.  We help each other and don't even think twice about not doing so.  I will cook him a meal if I am able to and he will only ask me to if I am up and walking around.  He does bug me about eating and taking my medications when he sees the spreadsheet is blank.  It's just the little things that we do that make a difference to each of us.  We are  respectful, considerate, loving, and caring for one another and that's the way every couple should be with one another.  Peace and Love to all!

A Happy New Year so Far...

Well I am looking on the bright side of things besides the puking and pooping at the same time has started up again and this time I have been hooking up the tube (Gastric puke bag= it's one of those horrible bags that usually has green icky stuff only mine has been of many colors); just the other day we hooked it up with the nurse and I got to puke up my Naturade Weight Gain 1500 calorie Decaf Coffee (I mixed in 4 whole scoops )with Pumpkin spice  and it's not working out so great.  Normally this is a sufficient breakfast for me (easy to make and holds me over for hours), but right after I ate; my tummy started hurting like crazy so we had to hook up the Gastric Tube Bag.   Nothing was coming out; when we would flush my tummy until we realized;  It could be that the tube is blocked again and we need a replacement; so we replaced the tube and it was like someone had let the levees down!  Coffee and everything just came out! It was gross but we could see everything!

  I would hate to think that I am ready for another hospital visit and we would have to add another new thingy or baggy for my survival.  Lately I have been loosing my ability to hold my poo; at least I am trying to strengthen those muscles sometimes and hopefully it's working; but I have pooed in my pants in my home more times than I can count; thank god I wasn't out somewhere but I can honestly say that so far so good I have angels out there working in my favor.  I still get to have fun and not have to worry about too much; but there is always that chance that it will happen in public.

Here is a little romp I got to have on Saturday with one of my neighbors.  We got to ride for a little while and I was sad that we had to cut our ride short; for the first time ever it wasn't because my body wasn't working so good.

Right now we are fighting doctors and home nurses about going on hospice care to prepare me to die.  They don't want me to be on the IV fluids or even TPN for much longer; just prepare me for another month or so?  This is so morbid; but as long as my heart is beating and I have this strong desire in my heart to live; I will live.  My husband stands by me in my decision to live.  I'm not dead yet; so why treat me as if I am dying; I'm living?  I would like to be ready to go back to work by March and I will fight for as long as I can to get stronger and stronger until I make that goal.  So what those two little surgeries delayed my start date on January 15th; OK it's just delayed for a little while longer.   Patience is key here and I really wish it wasn't such a hurry for these doctors to hurry up and kill me.  That's exactly what it feels like right now and it's the same for my husband.   It seems we are being pressured more and more to go onto hospice care and I just don't want to!  I don't want to die just yet; I want what it takes and everything it takes to save my life right now; we are being pressured by the social workers, the doctors, and home health nurses that I need hospice care.   I admit; I do look a little like a skeleton but not that bad; I am gaining some weight and I'm maintaining.

I am determined now more than ever to prove those doctors and those nurses wrong. When I get out and I ride my beach cruiser; I tell myself inside with ever push and pedal that cancer cells are dying; with every yoga stretch; they are dying; with every little piece of Hedge Apple that I eat; they are dying and I can even see this tumor on my back getting smaller; it could be wishful thinking but what ever works; I'm hoping that it's all mind over matter.   I don't care about the pain now; it is bad when it gets bad and yeah I hate that I have to survive on these pain killers but what ever can keep me alive; I'm all for it.   I wonder how many other patients fighting terminal illnesses such as mine are so rushed to death by our current medical system?  Compassion instead of profit?  Can't lives be worth more than that?   I actually feel that my body has been mangled and poisoned for profit so that maybe I will live a few years to make enough profit and then thrown away?  Maybe I'm not worth saving for them but I feel that I am; I'm far too young and I'm a good person.  There are not that many people out there like me and it would good if there were more.  It seems like so too many good hearted people  who are rushed to die with Cancer; they are cut up and poisoned.  I really don't buy it; you can just poison cancer; you have to make the body strong enough so that it can it can fight it.  I really think that Suzanne Summers is right on this one.  It worked for her and thousands of others just like her.  I actually met a woman at the dog park just a few years ago who was diagnosed with the same kind of cancer (Ovarian Cancer Stage IIIc) I have back in in 1983 and this woman refused surgery and chemo and is still alive today.  She actually tests her blood sugars and eats a macrobiotic diet.   She is also scared to death of doctors and rightfully so; I too am scared of them.  I feel that I have to trust them and I hope that they have some sort of compassion for me.

I would like more compassion for patients and real research on what really works to treat cancer to be another thing to be  changed in the current health care reform.  Too much is focused on profit and not enough on quality care.  Don't rush patients to death?  Instead of rushing these patients into hospice; why not reward doctors for how many lives they actually save rather than how many drugs and expensive surgeries they can pull on a patient?  OK I might sound like I am talking through my ass to some but I have been through a whole hell of a lot in this cancer journey and I'm still not ready  to throw in the towel yet because I feel that I have so much to offer the world.  Next week I hope to take my dad with me to the Palo Alto VA hospital to visit with patients with my dog.  My mom and my aunt should be here on Thursday; yippeee!  I haven't seen my Aunt in ages (20 years).  They are going about visiting me in the most peculiar way; I hope it works and they can make it.  I'm so excited to see my mom!  I can't wait to see both of them!

Anyway, I met this wonderful young man through my blog; he emailed me on Facebook and we decided to meet up at the Starbucks right across the street.  He had just lost his beautiful wife on Christmas day and he was blown away at how beautiful her life was and then how it ended.  Both of her parents were there when she made her last dying breath just as they were there when she came into this world.  The service was beautiful from what I understand and I sure wish I would have gotten his message sooner so that I could have gone to that service.   My husband actually got jealous that I had gone over to Starbucks to go meet a stranger but in reality he gets to go to his neighborhood bar to meet strangers all the time and I couldn't for the life of me get him to wake up that morning to go with me.  I know it would do him some good to talk with this young man.  I can't get over how strong caregivers of loved ones are; both him and my honey have this love about them for their spouse like no other.  Just like my honey says he doesn't want anyone else after me; this young man felt the same way.  I just want my honey to be happy and I'm sure this young man's love of life would want the same.  I know if I were put in the same situation; I don't think I could live with out mine; I would probably more than like be dead within a year with out mine.  I've faught this long all for love and that's the truth of it all.  I want to hang on for as long as it takes to beat this disease and so that I can have more fun with my honey!  Peace and Love to All!

Happy New Year! I made it!

I notice that each day is a new challenge in staying awake.  I think all the pain medications are making it so incredibly hard to get out of bed each day; they are strong medications for most but for me keep me feeling as if I am not some cut up human; it sucks to feel that horrid pain when those medications wear off which I do allow to happen sometimes.  Sleeping the day away has gotten me quite depressed in that I feel that I am wasting my days away and that it could just be one step away from dying.  Oh GOD does it scare me and that is why I don't feel so strong.  I'm getting through this the best that I know how with as much positive force as I can muster.   What I really need to do is to get my ass out of bed each day and try to live as much as I can but sleeping has been feeling so dam good.  I love my long naps but I have to face life more and try to get important things done if at all possible. 

Just the other day (Dec. 30th); I had another episode where I couldn't control my arms and was constantly hitting myself; I was crying like crazy because it was driving my husband crazy and I couldn't control any of it.  I tried to just go to sleep hoping it would all end; I was crying, my husband was upset with me and telling me to stop hurting myself but I couldn't help it; something was up. Blue Belle finally felt sorry for me and climbed into bed with me despite my arms going everywhere.  I was able to calm myself and just pet her and it seemed to stop for a little while. She sat as close to me as possible with her soft fur right up against me.   She seemed to help me through this little episode.  It was pretty scary.

We finally figured out that it was the Fentanol Patches and that they were not working at all; in fact expired. I was too scared to even take any of the liquid Dilaudid (Liquid Hydromorphone).  My honey changed the pain patches and gave me  a Klonopin to calm me down which really worked.  I just lied there on the couch mostly relieved.  It hasn't been too easy for either of us and we even had the Social Worker come over weekly in order to help us plan for the inevitable (my death) and to deal with our scared to death feelings.  It is so hard to deal with and I feel like a wimp each time she comes over because I feel like I could go through a whole box of tissues each time.  I can't believe how strong my husband is in dealing with this and he is so incredibly gentle with me as he explains what the social worker is trying to say to me because sometimes things can get over my head and I panic; so he helps me greatly with that fault of mine by calming me down and explaining things better so that I can understand.

I will need to call my work and find out how much time we have and if they can hold onto my job until July.  That would be very cool and they have been amazing through all of this.  My only wish is that my husband it taken care of after I pass and that he has no worries what so ever.   I want him to be able to continue on with life and be able to find someone else amazing because he deserves only the best.   It would be very cool if I could beat this but with all the damage that has been done by the medical establishment; I'm not so sure.   My surgeon was even prepared for failure; why can't they be prepared for success when treating an illness? They have torn my body to pieces and if they had only left it alone when I was first diagnosed; I would have many more years left I'm quite sure.   They pissed off the cancer treating it the way that they do with chemicals.  My type of cancer is slow growing and now it seems it is growing at a faster rate.  I am still using the Hedge Apples which comes from the Osage Tree and sometimes it looks as if the tumor on my side is shrinking when I remember to take it.   I sure hope and pray this is the miracle that I have been looking for.  I pray every night that it is.

It does piss me off that Ovarian Cancer is treated this way even though it's the cookie cutter way of treating cancer the same exact way when no two cancers are the same.  It would be cool if they could take each sample of tumor and find out what will kill that cancer rather than trying the same thing with everyone?  Why do they do the same things to everyone?  My cancer actually went away from a mistake (Paritonitus) until I had become very stressed at work which I know is why it had came back.  I know that is why my cancer came back.

Well I won't dwell on that; I have a life to try to live and to survive.  It sucks to have to have to live in so much pain each day and to have to be so dependent on pain medications.  I just hate that so much!  I do still get myself into trouble and get behind and then pay the ultimate price of going through off the wall pain that is just stabbing and jabbing inside me.  Oh how I hate it!  Do I deserve to suffer in such pain but it is worth it just to wake up next to the man I love each and every morning?  I'm so glad that I'm not in the hospital anymore!  I love being at home with him and that I got to celebrate Christmas morning and of course the New Year with him.  I feel so blessed to have been able to do that.  I love you honey if you are reading this!  You are without a doubt my Angel and my knight in shining armor!)

 Just the other night I had nearly finished a protein smoothie and I had my IV hooked up or was it my stomach pump (Gastric Pump)?  Anyway, I was in a deep sleep and all of a sudden I had to wake up and go to the bathroom.  It was an emergency and what ever device I had knocked the rest of that smoothie everywhere; I had a quite a mess to deal with when I got back.   I had even accidentally pulled on my gastric tube to the point I thought I had it pull it out (youch!(.  Oh God did that hurt and it still kinda hurts when I touch it or try to reposition it or just accidentally lean on it.  Wow!   I even had smoothie on the wall.  It wasn't pleasant but now my tummy aches when ever I touch the tube; it was like I had yanked it out but didn't.  From what I understand there is this balloon inside my tummy that keeps it from being pulled out; youch!.  Now when ever I settle down and if that tube in my tummy gets touched or yanked; I have to squeal.  I may have to get it checked out but I not looking forward to having to see another doctor.  I don't even know how much insurance I have and I do know that January will be a no pay month for me.  I hear that Social Security Disability takes about 6-10 months to take effect; how do people manage until then?; do they have to live under a bridge until it takes effect? Why is the government so incredibly slow to get the ball running for folks who obviously need to pay their bills and yet those I talk with on the phone are somewhat compassionate yet hey still have to go by the slowness of government function.  Maybe we need to fix that too!  It is certainly not working at its full capacities and people do need jobs and I say those slow lazy workers need to be replaced with more efficient workers. 

Maybe that is why everyone is freaked out about Government run anything because of their slowness and lack of getting things done correctly.  Hurricane Katrina really proved that fact!   We have a different administration now with way more compassion than the last administration.  During the whole Katrina catastrophe; they had to have a birthday party prior to saving lives and of course finish up a vacation.

(I hope my precious pet photos will add smiles to many of your faces as they did mine!) I will stop now but I sure hope things improve and while I am alive I hope that my life can make a difference for many.  I'm going to make sure of that and write plenty of letters and perhaps make some videos that will make a difference for  and to lawmakers. I will certainly ask them to please put themselves into the shoes of patients such as myself and to see if they can sleep at night knowing that their votes are affecting many people in not so pleasant ways.   I know if I voted with greed instead of compassion; I would not be able to sleep; I wouldn't be able to live with myself.  Perhaps little old me can spark some compassion into their ignorance of accepting payouts from evil entities that do not look out for the people (just their wallets) that those politicians represent.   I hope that made sense; maybe Pharmaceutical companies can finally learn to use or be allowed to utilize natural ingredients  for medications that cure rather than just treat the underlying illnesses.

I was really appalled when the last Administration actually put a price on the life of most of us citizens in the US.  I know I read that somewhere in like 2005 and it was very evil to think that a human life is not even worth $150,000.  How can a life be worth a price when you put into account what that person can do like raise a family, work, and help out so many others.  I can understand criminals and such but good hard working citizens?  How can my life only be worth so much like just a few thousand dollars as it is now?  I know I have to be worth more than that!  I do still plan to do some volunteer work once my princess gets her paperwork completed.  I'm very much looking forward to that and I know helping others like that will help me in the long run.

Well I did stay up for New Year's and made out with my honey as we usually do. We were both crying and holding each other in our arms that I had made it this far when the doctors were not so sure that I wouldn't last!  I'm still alive and I hope to fight to stay alive much longer.!  My husband and I make one hell of a team together and he sure give me much hope, love, and faith that I can I make it.  He always tells me that I am the one who walks among angels.  Its such a strong thing to say to someone who is going through what I am going through and it gets me by each day.

We have lots to do next week in order to make sure I still have some sort of insurance and that I get paid.  My honey has so many responsibilities in taking care of me and I'm so proud of him.  So many people to call, bills to document, accounts and account numbers to get ready for him; I want to get everything done that needs to be in case something does happen.  I would hate for him not to be prepared and to be scared to death. There are so many ways for him to cope and I want the very best for him.  It is the reality of living with this disease and it doesn't look very good for me right now; but it could be much better right down the road; just right now it has been feeling more and more hopeless.  I hope to do a video for him that will prepare him but I need to a good Tripod for my camera so that I may do this right.

OK enough with the politics.  My health is pretty much the same and I am maintaining at around 106-109.5.  Thank God!  I am planning on a visit from my mother and my Aunt January 10th - 12th.   I'm so excited to see my Aunt Mary as I haven't seen her since at least 1990!  She is such a jovial woman with the best sense of humor that would make you laugh so hard that you would have to pee.  She is incredibly creative and wonderful with arts such as crafting, quilting, sewing,  ceramics and so much more!  I wish they could stay longer but that's all they can visit with me.  We won't be able to do that much but hopefully just spending some good quality time and lots of great photos.  I do have a good bead shop and antique stores in mind to go visit while they are here and we should have a blast.

Sorry I just realized Tonto is licking his butt in this photo; I hope you can look past that and see the cute dog  and tree.  Sorry about that!  He still is a cute kitty despite his horrid habits.!)  My brother is also planning a visit and I may even get a visit from an old friend from High School who lives in SC.  I hope she can come visit me! I sure miss her.  Perhaps many of my old friends can visit with me this year; we will see!  I am hoping to go up to the snow soon as well and soon!  It's been killing me this super cold weather and storms we have been having.   If not to board; to at least be around it.  OH GOD I miss it!  I want so bad to just go down a mountain on my board!  That is the best feeling ever! Well sorry for such a short post and I wish you all Peace, Love, and Happiness this whole year!  A cure for Cancer would be great!  If there really is a cure for Cancer I expect to expose it to the media if at all possible and become the human guinea pig for many! That would be great!)