7 Year Ovarian Cancer Survivor = that's me!

This will be somewhat of a short post because I have much to catch up on.

Well today is officially the 7th anniversary of being diagnosed as an Epithelial Ovarian Cancer Patient with Stage IIIc disease. Wow, I'm diseased; imagine that? It sure was a nightmare to have to wake up to; and today it was better than that initial nightmare but I did awake in severe nausea and had some seriously awful dry heaves. We were to wake up no later than 8am and get ready to take Mom and Sister (my in-laws) to the airport. I struggled but got through waking up with just a little bit of sleep. I had also been waking up at all hours of the night with diarrhea and horrible anal spasms.

We had breakfast and nice little cozy joint called "Bill-O-Fare" on Saratoga Avenue and Williams; it used to be an Old "Howard Johnson's back in the day; but the rooms somehow got converted to apartments behind the place and the old Lobby turned to restaurant. The place is really cool and food is great only my tummy couldn't hack it. If you don't enjoy mammal meat as I do not; it's not the place for you. I had ordered some hash browns and that tasted exactly like bacon and sausage as if they had been cooked in bacon grease and so did the french toast (I tried some of my husband's). I couldn't much stomach the breakfast but did the best that I could. I had weighed in at 105.5 that morning; so this meant some serious changes to my diet and exercise routine.

I really had a great time with my in-laws; mostly shopping, walking around and checking out Christmas items. It was such a good visit and very sad to see to them go. It was awesome to hang with my dad for a week as he helped us out with some projects with the house, hanging out with me as I got my chemo and then after he left; my in-laws visit. These visits could not have been better and it was very relaxing only the getting sick and puking has not been so fun. Well at least we didn't have any hospital runs as sometimes we normally do when they come visit.

After we had dropped off our relatives at the airport, we headed straight to the Snowboard Expo and we got confused between "San Jose Convention Center" and the "Santa Clara Convention Center". We drove right up to the San Jose Convention Center and I asked the parking lot attendant who was about to charge us $7 for what the Flyer / Pass had said "Free Parking". He looked at my flyer and then determined that we were not at the right Expo. He then explained that there was a Snowboard Convention that was also being held on the same day but in a little tent in the Parking Lot was not the same place. We didn't know where the "Santa Clara Convention Center" was so we just drove home so that we could go get Blue Belle to bring with us.

We got home and I started puking really bad again. It seemed that I might be getting some sort of an infection in my intestines because the pain started to get out of control. We ordered some more Cipro and my honey went to pick that up so that I could start on the Antibiotics tomorrow before the infection got any worse. The Packer/ Dallas game was playing today and my honey was all for missing it just for me in order to take me to the Snowboard Expo. I took some pain medication when we got home and then just crashed. I felt so weak and could barely walk (pain in my pee pee from infection). It wasn't quite realistic to me that I would actually go to a snowboard expo walking around with this infection and being as sick and nauseated as I was.

My honey at least got to spend part of the day watching his team kick Dallas Ass while I napped away all the pains and sickness. I then got some serious diarrhea which would not have been pleasant to deal with at a Snowboard Expo. It bummed me out to have to miss the Expo; but at least I didn't make myself suffer because in all reality; these UT infections are not at all pleasant to be going out and doing things. I needed the rest in order to get stronger. God I hope I will be strong enough to at least go snowboarding this season! Here's to getting stronger and gaining more weight and killing all that horrible cancer!) Peace and Love to all!

Chemo Side Effects Knocking me on my ass!

Well it's been a while since I last updated (I have been both busy and sick as a dog) and I just finished a post that I had started on Tuesday and just wanted to update on everything that has been going on. We I did get to send my dad off on Wednesday and we also got to take a quick bike ride together as well.

My symptoms / side effects of the chemo didn't get to be all that bad until Wednesday evening (I had to smoke a joint before getting my dog tested!) Ooops, I would have failed the CGC test myself. Anyway, I got pretty nauseated and weak, but I was not about to miss another scheduled test (I've missed at least 4 tests due to being hospitalized and it broke my heart each time to have to miss those tests).

Well Blue Belle did indeed pass her TDI Test on Wednesday night. How cool is that? Well we went to the Santa Clara Fairgrounds (my honey drove me there) and I was so glad that we all went together to see our little girl pass with Flying Colors! OMG!) She made us so proud!)

Anyway, we all walked into this huge room; in fact is was the same room where we have been to several conventions before (a Gun Show and a Home Improvement type of show); there were at least 75 dogs getting tested - a majority were being tested for the Canine Good Citizen (CGC) and only 6 were being tested for the TDI (Therapy Dog International). Not sure why they only test so few at a time. We didn't have to wait too long and she was so ready for her test. I was the one having the problems being so groggy from the chemo side effects and also being somewhat stoned (could have been some chemo brain in there), but the left and right directions were confusing because I couldn't tell if she meant her right and left or my right and left and good thing Miss Blue Belle was paying such close attention to her directions because she followed each and every single command she wanted.

Some of the things they tested her on was walking through some cones, a crowd which included a skateboarder and someone dropping loud objects and others just walking by, she also had to sit and stay while another strange dog walked up and the owner would shake my hand and then proceed on. She didn't even flinch at all; everything she did; PERFECT!) For TDI part of the test; the instruction had to brush and check to make sure that she was well groomed and of course I love that part of having her most; I brush her almost daily now since my hair has been falling out/getting thinner and not as fun to style! LOL!, then she had to go through another crowd "calling the medics" of a wheel chair and someone on crutches but she's been there done that dozens of times in the hospital (visiting me with gurneys being pushed past her and lots of other loud things and of course going to visit with elderly patients at a Senior Living Facility. She also had to stand next to the instructor as she was seated in a chair and allow for her to pet her and "no kisses or kisses"; she did that part perfect, then 3 minutes with a stranger and a bunch more things. Well now I can get the rest of the paperwork filled out by my vet (proof of vaccinations) and then I can register her as TDI certified so that I may continue volunteering at Kaiser. The instructor will also send in her actual test which she scored 100% on. She missed nothing, but I think I failed myself; is my dog smarter than me? Just kidding!)

Well the next day, we picked up my in-laws (Mom and Sister) at the airport and on the way there, I started feeling really sick and pukey. My mouth started watering and my honey was driving so he passed me a doggie poop bag (what a great idea, I was ready to puke out the window or open my door at the stop light) and I puked in 3 different bags on the way there. While we were picking up the relatives; a huge soccer team was there just waiting for their ride and one of the kids came over and asked me what was inside the teal bags that I had asked my honey to take outside of the car to the garbage; I just explained that I just had chemo a few days ago and that was enough for the kid. It was kinda strange to be sitting there waiting for the baggage and me puking was enough for security to not have to ask us to move since we were sitting there for a little while waiting. I was still sitting there puking in doggie bags when they finally got their baggage and finally it stopped until we got home.

I felt a little better afterwards and just struggled the rest of the day to try to eat, eat, eat when ever I could. I just knew my weight was coming down rapidly. I had to smoke some of my cannabis to try to keep any food down and I kept getting these horrible tummy aches after eating (like I just kicked in the tummy after being incredibly full from eating= it was some horrible pain) and then I started feeling nauseated again and then have to smoke again.

The Zofran was not working at all at this point. I was constipated for about 2 days and also struggling to eat; my honey didn't even think that I had any food in me to poop out because I could barely eat anything. I tried so hard the whole day yesterday to eat and poop! Not puke!( I felt absolutely horrible last night and could barely move off the couch. We had ordered some Chinese food and I couldn't even stand the smell of it. Any kind of food just nauseated me to no end. I finally pulled out the Volcano Vaporizer and it worked like a charm. I didn't get that hungry but the nausea was controlled so much better (I didn't have that feeling that I was going to puke). Well that's exactly what it's like to be on the Carboplatin diet! The weight comes off in no time at all but you feel like total shit! Sometimes all you feel like doing is laying around.

I weighed in this morning and only weighed 107.5 with my clothes on and shoes! Shit! I was so pissed off to see the scale like that. But I did get to poop quite a bit last night; so I was happy about that but I am still struggling quite a bit with the nausea and trying to get my appetite up. The new medicine is working so much better than the Zofran (Zofran also constipates me and so do the pain killers). Tonight I just weighed in at 114 and am happy to have gained 6 1/2lbs in 1 day! Wow! I tried so hard to eat like a pig today and it paid off; just had to smoke more weed in order to do so. It also made me really thirsty too (I know I had to have been dehydrated because I couldn't even stomach any water) because I didn't feel like it so much yesterday. I just could not move all that much yesterday. I did get to go out with my in laws (mom and sister) some; went out to eat for lunch and then met up with them at the local pub some hours later last night.

Today was much better and I was able to eat some breakfast but did get sick afterwards, so we came home; I medicated more and the nausea was gone for a while. We did get to go shopping at Santana Row for a little while before I was finally able to come home, get some rest and update all of you on what I have been doing this whole week of NO updates. Peace and Love to all and may my nausea finally go away hopefully by tomorrow; more weight to gain and hopefully it be more fun to gain and not so painful!(

Here's to a cure to all Cancers soon!

Being Strong & Handling Chemo Side Effects...

So far, each day that my dad has been here; we have gone on a bike ride which always seems to make me feel so much better. It gives me more energy and it seemed to work especially today. I may not be feeling the whole effects of the chemo just yet; but I did have chemo yesterday and my dad sat with me the entire time and it was nice. The ironic thing was just across from us and another father and daughter were together for chemo. The daughter was there for her father who was getting chemo and me a daughter right across from them getting chemo with my dad sitting there. He told me so much how he wished he could trade places with me.

Well here is a photo of me getting my chemo which my dad took with my iPhone. Anyway, I wouldn't want any of my family to have to endure the hell I have to go through daily. It really sucks sometimes; unpredictable bowels and of course the abdominal and other types of unpleasant pain in unpleasant places. We have had a good visit so far and he has to go home tomorrow and then on Thursday; my in-laws with be visiting (mom and sister). We are quite busy this entire week which has kept me away from the computer. I just haven't had the energy to blog lately; I started this post and thought I would finish and then have another updated one on more things going on.

On Sunday, I got to go see a good friend of mine in the city and Miss Blue Belle got to run and play on the beach. She just zipped all over the place and stayed close by and was never an emergency recall away. Now most dog trainers and those who have trained their dogs would know what I was referring to. It was great to see my friend and my father thought it would be good for my honey and I to have some alone time while he had a blast with some of my neighbors who had cooked a wonderful meal for him. He got to watch all the football that he wanted to see and we got to have to blast together in the city. Blue Belle had so much fun just zipping around doing her little "Sheltie Zoom Zoom, Zoom!) She also didn't quite understand why this Lab was chasing a stick. Now she loves to play with frisbees and balls but never understood why anyone would be so excited over a stick. This other dog getting excited over the stick fascinated her and she ran up to the dog and the stick and then chased excitedly after them as if to herd this other dog. She didn't want the stick but it was still very exciting to her. She barked at the dog in her very feminine way and had her tail up and out just like a flower. Her tail always looks so beautiful when she gets excited at something.

We had also stopped and picked up some medicine for my chemo on Monday which I was running low on and so far it has been working great for the nausea I had been feeling. I was able to go on another bike ride with my father today and we had gone on one just before we left for my chemo treatment that was scheduled at 2:30pm on Monday. I hope I am able to continue to ride each day for the rest of this week!) So far knocking on hard wood the nausea is able to be controlled somewhat. I still have some energy but we will see how I feel tomorrow. The 3rd day is most often the worst day and my dad leave's tomorrow. Blue Belle's test is tomorrow too for her Therapy Dog International Certification (TDI)

My weight did get up to 120 on Sunday but I am down to 116.5 (with my clothes on) so hopefully I won't loose much more weight. Here's to some easy on the chemo side effects and Peace & Love to everyone else! All of you with Chemo; here's to a cure in near future with Health Care for all the good hardworking people!)

Scary movies, a good book and some hope....

Well I just watched 2 documentary films (one last night and another the night before) which really scared me (I probably should not have watched them; I hate that kind of stress); anyway these films were about 9/11 Independent Investigations because in all honesty; I also don't buy the government's version of the events, I am very stubborn and I really would like to know the truth of what really happened = the truth shall set us all free; we need to know and I'm glad that there are those passionate film makers are out there who are brave enough to question the government when things just don't seem right). True, it could just be conspiracy theory shit, but they sure had some valid points that proved many questions that were never answered. This is a moment in history where the government could be wrong and/ or responsible for what happened on 9/11 which is very scary if they really are responsible. I don't feel they have ever proved their innocence.

We just need some honesty as to what really happened; a real investigation. Their investigation never proved much of anything. We all deserve to know what really happened; not just a cover up story that has been changing over the years. Why wasn't real analysis done on the metal and why was it shipped out immediately for sale? Why did tower 7 fall when it wasn't even hit by a plane? That's just two questions of many that I have. Too much doesn't make any sense and many of the families have valid points as they have read the full investigation; too many unanswered questions.

That last Administration really stressed me out because I didn't trust anything about them. There was no integrity at all; they were caught in so many lies and blunders that I wonder if they really did have something to do with 9/11 (they sure were overly excited to be able to go to Iraq = that wasn't even the right country that attacked us in the first place?) Now we are over there trying to get out of there. Things got really messed up and I worried about something major happening because they just didn't really have it together to handle things properly (Katrina and 9/11). They were like "Duhhhhhh - what do we do now?".

I'm very sorry to get touchy on politics here and I hope I'm not offending anybody who really does trust our government; but good old Teddy Roosevelt (one of my heroes) always said things the way they really are; my favorite quotation which makes great sense right now and especially for that last Administration "Behind the ostensible government sits enthroned an invisible government owing no allegiance and acknowledging no responsibility to the people." and this one too "No man is above the law and no man is below it: nor do we ask any man's permission when we ask him to obey it." (hello Dick Cheney?) and then there is Ben Franklin's quote "Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.". The Patriot Act comes to mind here. Anyway I will stop here because I have probably pissed a few off; Sorry!) but that's OK; I'm entitled to my opinions, my stubbornness and my hard headedness. I can't trust a politician's word as I do their actions (taking handouts from insurance companies and/or pharmaceutical lobbyists).

I'm going to continue to hold onto hope with this new Administration; well I do know that Joe is a bit dumb at times (he still thinks that Cannabis is a very dangerous drug and that it makes people violent = he's never ever tried it) and sometimes I question his sanity (he is a good man but he really can be a bit dumb at times = it astounds me sometimes but not as dumb as our last President; now he was dumb) and am so glad that Obama is young and has some sense about him; I think he is a fair man. I do worry about him getting Assassinated by some of these crazies out there trying to stir people up enough to do it. (another reason not to watch the news!) I still feel that good Health Care is very important; I don't feel an insurance company should come between good quality care for a patient; it should be between a doctor and a patient. No more pre-existing conditions as excuses not to cover a patient; people get sick and should be covered when needed. I did get to watch some Fox Noise and noticed quite a few untrue statements on their show. Medicare is not going to be reduced in anyway shape or form if this Health Care Bill passes; in fact it's not even going to be touched. I can't get over how those journalists never do their home work. All they have to do is research but instead they just make up news in order to piss people off for no reason at all.

I can't even believe that Cannabis is illegal for Cancer Patients or Aids Patients to use in so many states or even for the Federal Government and how the FDA feels about anything natural for cures? It still stuns me because it really is working for me!) It is not a dangerous drug and it is with out a doubt the true reason that I am still alive today. It is saving my life and I am so grateful for that. I hope this Administration will realize the importance of this plant; it's many uses and of course for patients who really need it. I don't even feel it's anywhere as dangerous as Alcohol.

I also remain very stubborn and will continue to hold on to hope that things are going to turn around for everyone including myself. (I'm reading Suzanne Summers new book "Knockout". ) We have to be close to cure for cancer because there are many patients who have been cured. I thought I was cured after my surgeon had accidentally poked a hole in my intestine while inserting an abdominal port for intraperitoneal chemo but it did unfortunately return but anyway this book that I am reading is about real Doctors who have cured patients of their Cancer and there are still those who are kind of like me on maintenance; only I only wonder how much maintenance I can take of poisons when these doctors are giving their patients what is truly good for their bodies too; bad for the cancer and good for the bodies? Wow Imagine that!)

Also I don't understand the whole thing about Capital Punishment being cruel and unusual punishment when cancer patients are put through way, way, way, worse treatment and even healthy patients go through cruel and unusual punishment; here take these poisons and the amounts of drugs with such adverse effects. I see violent horrible criminals who should never see the light of day; live out their lives in prison who continue to be violent while in there; while we pay to keep them there. They have access to free health care while innocent people who have lost their jobs have none. How is that fair? You have to kill someone in order to get good health care? These Animals should be put to sleep for being the sick animals that they are. Hell I'm even OK with hanging them like they did in the old days. There is just no incentive for criminals to not be criminals. The punishments these days never fit the crimes.

Time to change the subject. Well for me; it's not so bad to live in the moment because in all reality none of us know when our time will be up. I have good moments and I have bad. (pain in my ass and intestines) but I still live by the Golden Rule "Treat others how you would want to be treated". I just want my life here to make a positive difference for others and am so excited about volunteering in my own neighborhood with my dog. I just hope and pray that my ass will be OK on Wednesday for her testing!) Good Thoughts that I can take my Miss Blue Belle to her final test. If she passes the TDI test; I can register her and then have proper insurance in case something happens to her.

I can only volunteer a few hours a day (and gradually increase if I can) but I feel this volunteering will help strengthen me so that I may be able to return to my job in January. I sure hope that I will be OK by then; I have so much hope and faith that I will be. I haven't been in the emergency room in over 30 days which I think is a record for me these past 8 months. Wow! That many months of being off work on Disability.

After all of these shootings and hearing about soldiers returning with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; I really want to be able to cheer them up with my dog and maybe try to make a positive difference in their lives; let them know how lucky they are to have their life, thank them for their service to our country and maybe even inspire them enough that they really can get back on their feet; hell they can just pet my soft sweet dog and feel better; I know she makes me feel so much better. I will even visit with the elderly and sick (only if my immune system is OK) at my own hospital. It does make me feel good when I see someone else smile over my dog; I really like being able to share her. I don't think it's everyday that these people are able to pet and love on such a sweet soft gentle dog.

Anyway, I got to have some fun with my Dad; we rode bikes twice today and went out to eat. This afternoon, I accidentally did something horribly stupid and scared the crap out of my husband and my father. My father and I had just had a nice lunch and we were walked around Down Town Campbell and then I thought it would be a good idea to have a fresh glass of juice. We stopped at this one little Cafe where they have fresh juices; I had some beet juice with carrots and I totally forgot how that cleans you out like a whistle. All the food that I had been eating that day; working so hard to gain just 1lbs or more; gone. I puked twice; and it was beet red and my honey thought I was puking and shitting out blood and ready to take me into emergency ASAP until I told him that I drank beet juice. It really cleaned everything out of me; my intestines were in such severe pain. I could not stop pooping and had to smoke some pot to get rid of the extreme nausea.

Every time I drank anything it would come out my rear end until it was completely raw back there. NO MORE BEET JUICE FOR ME! It's supposed to be really good for you but evidently not for me. I can laugh about situation now but I was pretty scared because my intestines hurt like hell from all of that. It was horrible!( I couldn't keep any pills down or even the liquid morphine. I could only smoke pot and it helped so much with the pain and the nausea. It stopped the puking, but the pooping continued through out the day. Thank god that is mostly over!

Also all the pain that I had been having is much better. I emailed my doctor and told him how much pain I was in and he was able to prescribe some stronger medications which I only take when needed. I am gaining weight finally and am up to 118lbs. I went to the GNC store and got a bunch of shakes and juices that are supposed to put weight on and its working!) I'm so glad I'm gaining weight again. I have chemo on Monday so I will be prepared to handle all the nausea and hopefully it won't make me too lethargic; I hope and pray that I will be strong enough to get out and have some more fun with my dad. Peace and Love to all!

A Fun Painful Weekend...

This weekend has been very painful as far as my intestines go. I can ride my bike comfortably until I hit a huge bump, but I am reliant on the painkillers (Percocets) lately (I'm very bummed that I have to take them!(; but they don't seem to be working so good on this type of pain which on the pain scale of 1-10 hits about an 8. To be completely honest, it is the worst kind of pain in the worst kind of place; in my abdomen and butthole. Most of the pain resonates in my asshole mostly and it's so undignifying; especially when I am standing in line at the grocery store or where ever I may be.

Now when people ask me when the pain is so severe; "Oh Jayne how are you feeling or how are you?". I can sense they can see the pain in my face; I will usually always reply, "I'm hanging in there". I don't want to bum anyone out on my bunghole problems; why ruin someone's day over that when their day is just fine as it is? I just suck it up and deal with the pain each day in the best way that I know how. If it gets so bad; I have to take the painkillers which aren't really working lately. I think I need something stronger and really really hate asking my doctor for something stronger. I don't want to be some sort of a junkie and this really bums me out. I just wish these pain killers worked and the pot I have now doesn't work much for this type of pain; just helps immensely with my appetite which needs all the help it can get. I'm still teetering on 110-113.

Well on Sunday, I finally got to go to the Farmer's Market on my bike and have never been able to do that before. My neighbor's daughter is always begging me to let her go with me which usually means that I have to drive that mile and half to the market and I can't ride my beautiful bike (she doesn't know how to ride a bike and doesn't want to learn); well I finally got to go and I have been having the best peace and quiet lately since she has been mad at me over the dog show and her PMS. It's OK for me right now except for this pain that I have been having. I was a little drugged up when I went but thankfully the pain was somewhat under control. It still hurt like hell but it was better than the 8 that it was; it was down to about a 6. I do have a high tolerance for pain.

Here I am holding this male Cockatoo, I forgot his name but I can clearly remember a best of friend of mine who had one named Rosie who eventually turned out to be a male. She was so loud but so cuddly and lovable. My friend eventually had to find a home for her and one person who was taking care of her had her in a dark room with no window to look out or where she could be where all the life was. She was so sad there; I will never ever forget that. That's what they need; just like any pet; they want love and attention; I mean sure they can be loud and annoying at times, but you look past that; hell you look past that in most people that have lovely hearts of gold. I know I can be annoying sometimes; we all have our quirks. She had pulled out most of her feathers and thankfully my friend eventually found her a good permanent home with loving parents to take good care of her. She owns her own living room where she can look out windows and even go places. I could never have one; one would definitely outlive me (hell my dog just might outlive me) and there are so many people out there who get them and don't take care of them properly. This one was having a grand old time at the market visiting with people. I think he may have been a rescue. He started doing this little dance right up on my shoulder. The man told me that he loves pretty women!) His wings went out and he was moving up and down; having a blast. Wished I could have videotaped it.

At the Market, I got a few things to juice and not too much for my basket which I was worried about doing. We both got just enough. I really had a great time with my gourmet neighbor who rode with me. (she's the one that makes the wonderful meals sometimes for my husband and I when we really need it). A good best friend with a heart of gold is what she is!) That's the kind of friend that you never ever take for granted.

Oh forgot to mention on Halloween I took Miss Blue Belle up to Santana row with her wings and then on to the mall where they were having trick or treating there. She got all kinds of attention at the mall. So many people would stop and pet her; she still had on her Service vest and then the wings over top of it. Here she is walking with a cute little princess; we got so many photos of cute kids; I tried to just photograph others reactions to seeing her because those faces are priceless. I can usually capture a good smile and Blue Belle is one to make many smile.

She has her TDI (Therapy Dog International) test on the 11th at 7:30pm. (wow the dog on the site looks just like Blue Belle!) I know she will pass with flying colors and this will enable me to volunteer at Kaiser. Kaiser may have screwed up many times on me but they have also enabled me to live 7 years with this disease and I plan to live many more years if all goes well. This volunteering will be very good for me and payback time for all the good things those nurses and doctors have done for me. I wish I had more energy and could do so much more to help others and I see others reactions when they see Blue Belle. It really warms my heart like nothing else to see someone else happy because I helped make them happy with the assistance of my beautiful dog. She is such a beautiful girl; so soft and fluffy and I got this really good spray on conditioner that makes her smell like mangos and her fur is so incredibly soft after I brush her out with it. It's like petting a bunny rabbit. I have always thought that bunnies were the softest creatures ever.

Pet Smart has this special kind of grooming that is supposed to help eliminate shedding which I plan to do just prior to volunteering so that she doesn't shed on patients. We plan to visit with all the nurses and doctors too since their jobs can be very stressful; I also plan to be my cheerful appreciative self and to let them know just how much each of them meant to me when they cared for me. That has to do something because I know with most jobs; people become burnt out when they feel they are not appreciated and I plan to do that with Blue Belle. We will both be working our magic!)

Well I'm also getting ready for my dad to arrive on Friday and tomorrow night me and Blue Belle were invited with some friends of ours to go see a good comedy at the movies "Couple's Retreat". I hope I laugh my ass off! My honey is hillarious most of the time and so is my clown cat, but but I haven't seen a good comedy in what seems like ages.

Tonto is doing much better and just finished the last of his antibiotics. I went over to my sweet neighbor who had been feeding him high magnesium kibble and snacks. He didn't know any better and Tonto can be very demanding and spoiled. He knows how to push buttons. I brought my neighbor over a Halloween Bag full of doctor approved treats and some special diet that he has to eat. I told him if he ever ran out; he could knock on our door anytime.

Tonto's special diet is not the Hills CD (althought the Dr. recommended it; my kitty hates it) but it's the other one Royal Canin Urinary SO 33? He's OK with it and Blue Belle has been licking his bowl clean. I'm so glad he can pee again; I do know how painful that can be. We were both on the same page with my infection as well; yeah I got another one!( I will be having a consultation about my upcoming surgery on the 23rd to replace my ureter stent. This is probably why I get those infections so easily. I can't hold my pee for too long and my intestines are going crazy trying to heal and figure out what goes where? Here's to more healthy healing, a cure for everyone's cancer, and Peace and Love to all! May we all deserve our own health care; no more excuses for pre-existing conditions!

Happy Halloween!....

This will be a very short post; but the good news is that I am getting more and more energy. I think the antidepressant "Celexa" is making a difference. I'm sorry it's been a while since my last post. I've been busy being busy! (having much fun with my honey and spending lots of quality time together)

Well I'm not crying nearly as much as I was and I feel more focused on living. What a relief! How I hate crying for no reason at all; or to be dwelling on that horrible conversation I had with my doctor weeks ago. The antidepressants appear to be working and it didn't take that long for them to work in the first place (only a few days). I'm not feeling so depressed anymore and that's the beauty of it all!) My honey and I are getting along so good and I love you is said at least 20 times a day with lots of kisses. We are so sappy and we know it; hell we just love being sappy and lovvy dovvy together!) Who cares when we love each other more than anything! We just appreciate every day and every moment that we get to spend together. Each day is a gift when we get to wake up next to one another. He just looks so incredibly hot and handsome as I look over at him that I just can't believe that I married such a hot man. I haven't found one actor or man out on the street that looks anywhere as good as he does. He's like a young George Clooney (only more hotter!) to me with long beautiful curly hair. I'm so blessed!) His looks are not the only thing; he is beautiful inside and out!) What an awesome man to be married too and I'm so thankful for each and every day I get to spend with him!)

Well the bad thing is that I'm still having problems with horrible nausea and am having a very hard time getting some sort of an appetite for anything so therefore gaining weight has been more than just a challenge but nothing a little pot can't handle and that is working like a charm with getting me hungry enough to get that appetite stimulated; it's the gaining and keeping weight on which is very hard. I keep teetering on the weights between 110.5 and 113 and have been for days. God, I hope I don't have to go on the milk again! That medical company (Apria) has yet to pick up the TPN devices and the backpack. We have it plugged in and it makes this beeping sound that just brings back memories that I'm still on the bag; but I'm not; I'm teetering on having to. I just hope that I can find the secret and start to gain some more weight. Maybe that antidepressant will help me; it's not making me sick anymore.

We found another person who grows medicine and can't in their hearts charge me for it; so it's free. These kind hearted people (Feds would like to call them criminals) just want me around longer or would like to see my husband happy much longer. They don't want him to loose the love of his life. That is a sad thing to see anyone go through. That's what the FEDS never ever think about when they arrest someone for growing for medicinal purposes; that medicine that they are content with destroying is keeping many patients alive. For me, it all stems from treating others the way that you would want to be treated and its so sad that many people do not have that ability to do so. Come on, it's the GOLDEN RULE! Its as if many parents can't even teach their children this vital rule? I wish it was the law that people just do that (follow the Golden Rule); and that crimes could be based on that; even capital murder. I know 2 wrongs don't make a right, but we put good animals to sleep all the time in shelters that are more worthy of living a good life. Sorry to get off the subject a bit (yes; I am all for Capital Punishment). That's just my mode of thinking.

Chemotherapy is a very heavy duty thing to have to go through and to loose your appetite and to become as sick as possible; to be vomiting out of control till your stomach cramps up, you don't know if your heart is going to stop or not; it's just very scary. If government officials could just go through those experiences or even what I go through; I bet there would be less unnecessary arrests; laws would for sure change. They could actually witness and see that medicinal cannabis is not at all a dangerous drug or plant. I really can't get over how it is helping me now and I am so incredibly grateful that it's the one thing that is working for me. Sure I still take the Zofran for nausea (the bad thing about Zofran is that it constipates me) but it does NOT give me any kind of appetite or even make me nearly as thirsty as cannabis does. It does help me with the extreme nausea and I can take it with my cannabis. I really have to be thirsty in order to protect my kidneys from the long term damage that chemo can give me. Hell, I have a stint in my ureter to protect!) I have to drink water whether I like it or not and cannabis gives me cotton mouth that enables me to become very thirsty!) My life now depends on it and so do my kidneys!) I don't wish to be in the hospital again over another severe kidney infection so the cannabis therapy will continue for as long as it helps me!) I don't care what any government official has to say about my life; I'm going to fight to stay alive whether they like it or not!)

As it is now; if I am hungry for it; I have to eat it whether its a Twix bar or Taco Bell, or something organic. I have gotten a little better at not ordering more than I can possibly eat although kids portions are still more than I can eat. A kid's portion at Harry's Hoffbrau will easily last me 3 days. My tummy fills up really fast and now I'm quite the cheap date that I am!) Why on earth must restaurants waste so much food and money? My tummy could never expand like that; I would be in the worst pain ever if I were to eat a full sized meal.

Well my Dad will be here to visit me Nov. 3rd - 11th and my mother and sister in laws will be here on the 12th. Then I have to plan for my mom and her sister and then my brother's visit. My are we going to be busy making lots of memories. Tonight (Celebrating Halloween) we plan to go up to Santana Row and sport Miss Blue Belle in her Angel Costume and maybe even the mall.

We decided that we are not going to sit and wait for 1 or 2 trick or treaters. For some reason our neighborhood has gotten a bad rap and I guess parents are afraid that we are going to be handing out drugs and guns instead of candy. Oh well. Either way Miss Blue Belle is getting some much needed exercise and more socialization for her TDI (Therapy Dog International Test)= like she needs it; I do know she will pass with flying colors; but we want to volunteer at Kaiser and at Stanford. I must give back to all of those who have participated in saving my life. I'm so very thankful to still be alive and therefore I must share my well trained dog to make others feel better. Happy Halloween To All with Much Blessings and Peace and Love!

Trick or Treating for Dogs?....

Well we had been planning to take Miss Blue Belle trick or treating and at least get her a good enough costume to compete in a real costume contest; unfortunately she did not even place in this one. There were so many creative individuals out there who went all out. Please do check out some of these photos of some of the best. (sorry about this photo of her peeing; I happen to think it's very hillarious looking)

Of course Miss Blue Belle was to be an Angel because she is after all the Angel that she is. I had originally ordered her an angel costume from a company called Five Star Fido.com a little over a week and half before the event and the costume just never arrived on time. They were back ordered on everything that I had ordered and did not even email me to let me know that they were. I actually had to go into their system in order to find that out. It was even very vague on the status of her costume. I didn't like the customer service at all until I had to write to them to find out why they never emailed me to let me know that the costume would not arrive in time for the event. They had assured me that it would (according to them it had already shipped days ago); but it still hasn't; however I can return it all (entire order). I ended up just canceling the whole order all together; they do care but apparently but they are so backed up on orders that new orders do not take much priority. Most companies these days surprise me with such fast service where as items I order usually arrive the following day or no longer than 3 days after. I've just gotten used to that kind of good service when ordering on line. I have never had to deal with a company where it took this long to receive an item (it's now Monday and it still has not arrived!). Their email back to me was very friendly and apologetic; I do know they tried.

Since the costume never arrived on time, on Saturday (day of the event), I went out and got Blue Belle a costume at a huge Party Store. I got her these medium size feather wings (they matched perfectly with her white mane) and I made her a little halo out of this sparkly wire material. I kept having to fix and adjust the Halo most of the evening and finally we got it right. It stayed perfect for about a whole entire hour or so. I also bought some glitter hair spray which did not work at all (all it did was make her wet and sticky at first and then her hair was kind of stiff= no pretty sparkleys at all!).

This Trick or Treating / Costume Costest event was sponsored and put on by Society Dog which happens to be a very awesome social club for dogs and their people. The Trick or Treating and Costume Contest was held in Los Gatos, CA. We mostly walked the main drag with all of the other dressed up pooches and at first Miss Blue Belle did not much like wearing a costume at all and then she finally warmed up to it when she could hear many doting people saying "awwww look at the little Angel!". This was repeated all through out the night and she loved every minute of it!) After a while she started recognizing the word Angel and wagged her tail at who ever said it as if this were her new name!)

She walked so proudly in her costume because she could see all of the other dogs were also wearing costumes; so she immediately felt right at home and certainly not left out. I think she must have thought her costume was the very best one!) I could tell that she liked her costume and of course all of the compliments that went with wearing it. So many people stopped to pet her, photograph her and to give her some love. I was very pleased with the results of her costume and so was my honey. We all matched!)

I put together an interesting ensemble with some tights I know I have possessed for years; only never opened; spider web tights, Roxie cargo pants, a hippy shirt, and some Mardi Gras Beads? It worked and turned heads. My honey kept hearing women say "did you see those tights?". I have literally had those tights in my closet for years and never opened them. I had gotten them for going to a Halloween Party and just never used them. Well they certainly came in handy tonight!)

My honey wore his Dr. Evil Shirt so maybe the three of us didn't make too much sense to the judges. One did like her costume quite a bit. She and another Sheltie were the only Angels out of the whole bunch.

Many of the shop keepers stood outside and handed out doggy treats to all the doggies who were dressed up or not dressed up on the main drag. Many had tried to give Blue Belle a treat but I usually had to take it and put it in her treat bag since she is such a slow eater. She always had to find a place to sit down and then takes her sweet time enjoying it. What a lady she is!)

Here she is wishing she could ride in this ship made out of a doggie stroller; this one placed. She actually followed this stroller for a little while and then we continued around just checking out all of the dogs in their costumes. I think what the judges were looking for was a theme for the owners and the dogs and me and Blue Belle must not have had a theme that was blending very well together. An Angel and a Pagen? I have no idea what my costume was except for Halloween Style? That's what me and my honey called it.

We also found this cute little Pomeranian who also placed and she just sat there posing for photographs. I think this little dog just had a knack for posing and just ate it up for everyone stopping to photograph him or her? She does look quite cute in the little hat and wears it well and of course knows it!)

I was so happy that we were able to get out together and have an awesome fun night. It was so incredibly romantic to have such a wonderful evening together just walking our dog in costume and being proud of everything. I didn't have any problems until I got home. I took my antidepressant and within 10 minutes of taking it; my mouth started watering like crazy and I went in and I puked at least all of what I ate that day. It was so horrible because I really hate puking. It hurt my throat so much and some puke even came out my nose (sorry for the explicit details but this is an honest blog of what I go through daily in fighting this horrible disease). My throat and my nose burned for what felt like beond recognition. I was so scared because it came out so fast and furious I thought my heart would stop. I cried and called my honey and he came home to take care of me immediately. (He was catching the rest of the Shark Game which he missed just for me to take me out to the Doggie Event)

I did try my very best to eat through out the day and with out an appetite; it's quite hard. I do have to use medicinal cannabis to help me with this problem and it is helping quite a bit but my intestines seem to be getting rid of things somewhat faster than I can intake or more than I injest?. I pray that I get can over this hump and not have to go on the Cancer feeding intravenous feedings. I am down to 110 today; yes still loosing 1lb per day and counting. Hopefully I will write soon about the recent weight gains. I still have much hope!)

Well today I have to see another doctor (I'm always seeing doctors) but this time it is for Tonto. He is having problems peeing. He can't and it is very worrysome and hopefully it won't cost a fortune as it did with the late Toonces. Tonto is only 5 years old (2/8/04) and it sucks that I couldn't get him to loose any weight and now he has the same problem as Old Toonces had. My neighbor is always feeding him treats and I know he can't say no to him and he (Tonto) knows it so well. He cries and demands things but lately he has been in hiding and trying so hard to go pee. I feel so bad for him but I do have an appointment to go see a vet today at 1:50pm. Here's to me finally gaining some weight and Tonto feeling much better!

UPDATE: Went and got my picc line dressing changed today and also went and picked up Tonto this evening. Tonto is doing OK; he still has to go back in the morning for more check ups and fluids. They were able to successfully unblock his ureter and did not have to use anesthesia. We caught him in the very, very early stages so we are very blessed and lucky! Old Toonce was caught in the late stages.

My weight tonight is: 114.5 (Yeah!) I smoked a whole joint through out the day and just made sure I pigged out as much as possible (it really did help me get the munchies through out the day!) even though the servings were very small; I tried to eat every few hours. I ate shit that I hated (Tiger Milk = 280 Calories, 24 grams Protein), I had fruit (cantaloupe and grapes), even at a Twix Bar which does have 280 calories (I know not supposed to eat sugar but this is for weight gain for right now), Mac & cheese with Tunafish (one thing I have to do for Tonto is to make sure he drinks lots of water and the only way to ensure he does is to use Tuna water from the can), even some nasty baby food. Yes, I'm very, very desperate but I'm trying my very best to get that weight up! So here's to more continued weight gain. No more 110lbs! That was scary this morning!(

Peace and Love to all!)