WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Friday, February 18, 2011

My Awesome Husband Saga Continues....

I'm going to tell you all the most amazing true story about what my husband did for me this week and of course one good friend who helped us.    Yeah it could suck to be me if I didn't have such a bad ass husband by my side to slay some cancer ass if we can!  We always have hope and I'm also very aware of what we are facing as we enjoy every waking moment we can with each other.   I'm so freaking thankful that his job is allowing for him to be so passionate enough to take such great care of me.  He's better than  most of the nurses and I trust him a lot more in helping with so much that he does.    I can't help but gush about how wonderful my husband is to me as I survive what seems to be the most impossible.   How can I just be walking around on such skinny little match stick legs?  How can I still be alive with this big huge knot looking thing on my right shoulder or have such crazy looking  medical devices just making room in the shrinking body?  Life really is a miracle for me as I go from one part of life to the next life.   His undying love for me never stops a beat and it always makes me smile from the gut of my cancer ridden stomach to the smile that he  creates on my face!)  Of course he always makes me laugh and I always knew I would marry the first man who could really make me laugh and of course tell me the best stories.    He just has this way about him and I'm positive there are hundreds more who swear by him; he is one of those rare men that you don't find just everyday.  Once you have him a friend; you have him for life; I could never be attracted to anyone else which will make waiting on the other side all more harder.

I guess it was about Tuesday the day before when I got a phone call that I needed to go in the next day (Wednesday) to get my pain pump  refilled; well we've been getting the most amazing rain storm and the temperature has been very cold; perfect I would say if only I had the strength and meat on my bones to sustain me enough to go snowboarding;  OMG! would that be so freaking awesome!  so yes all this beautiful wonderful rain has been killing me; I've been dreaming of snowboarding quite a bit of course.  I hope all the people out there are having a blast!  Anyway, I told my honey immediately that we needed to fill my pain pump and I was kind of worried that this might kink up some plans, but no he made it all work!).   He was on the ball and how very proud of him I am. for that; I don't think I could ever expect any less of him.   I feel that every woman  fighting this monster called cancer needs a Jimmy!  The world would be so much better!  I hope there are many other women out there who also have their Jimmy's because suffering with this disease  alone is nearly impossible; there really are lots of heroes out there fighting cancer along side us that we need not leave out or forget about and I know I'm not the only one!  

I'm actually in awww of my knight in shining armor as tears are flowing down my face when I say this so proudly; he really had the day so well planned.   I could so nothing but smile and giggle at the cute things he does for me.  It's so sweet!)   He had called  a close friend of ours  to  come pick us up and drop us off at the convenient front entrance where he could wheel me up to the 4th floor.  I was actually very sick on Wednesday and I was not at all feeling good.   I had my puke bag ready and we we had been panicking some that I might end up in ER if I couldn't get the puking down; we have been trying everything suggested  for my nausea and sometimes nothing works and then I just grabbed a bud and put it in my water pipe and smoked it (OK this was before we left for the hospital; just like a chemo brain thinks; the order of things get mixed up sometimes!)

My honey was planning to find a wheelchair  in order to wheel me up to the 4th floor where  he could first meet up with his point of contract (I can't use names and must keep anonymity  for these helpful souls at the hospital; I love them all so dearly for what they do for us  and would never endanger them for helping me survive this disease those extra days.  I'm always grateful for more time and I'm getting it right now.   Anyway, my honey waited first with me until his point of contract met us with us so that he could drop me off to the  pharmacy to pick up my heavy duty pain medications which I was running low on.   Actually he sat and waited with me until his point of contact (an incredible male nurse supervisor?) who always manages my pain pump; it really is a new thing and many know nothing about my weird internal contraption so it's important to have all the right people there when my pain pump is ready to be serviced like this.  I only waited maybe 5 minutes, when his point of contact arrived to take me downstairs to where I would get my pump refilled and even turned up some so that I wouldn't have to endure much more of the Dilaudid.

In a strange irony I was not yet thinking of ditching using them as I thought more and more about the horrid tastes I have  had to put up with us with further and makes me gag just thinking about it? I've been getting so sick and tired of having to deal with killing the horrid taste of the Methadone with pickles that were actually tearing the living shit out of my gut.   Since I had to get a refill in the pharmacy of pain medications anyway (see I have to use Pharmaceutical Drugs to  help as I have been cut open a total of 7 times and no one can convince me that with this crazy shitty cancer growing inside me for going on 6 years of this 8 years battle  of being cut open and stapled back together; how much more can a human life  take of this?   I have faced the reality of knowing that I can't survive this comfortably with out pain medication; it would be cruel and unusual to make me suffer that way; but why are we allowing those in other states to suffer needlessly?

Medical marijuana is also helping me curb the nausea which is totally unreal.  It takes certain strains and I'm grateful my friend just found the right one.  It's working for right now.  Everyday is a new day for me.   I'm still trying to find that out; it's kind of my life experiment?  Pretty fascinating I hope?  I like to think that I don't go through these sort of things for nothing?   Well while I was being set up for my pump refill , my sweet honey was down in the pharmacy picking up my pain medications.   Now he had even coordinated this move which used to take him a total of 2 hours and irritating to have to do twice a month since they wouldn't dare give us more than a 2 week supply most of the time.  I actually don't have that addictive personality but yes some drugs do hook people in a horrible way just going cold turkey and I found that out when I got my pain pump inserted and had to deal with Fentanol withdrawal which was not fun.      My sweetie got me through that ordeal too!  He makes feel so much stronger!  I am one lucky woman to have such a man!

Well the last couple of months of being on hospice care has been much better.   So back to my internal pain pump refill; my honey had just refilled my pain medications and in an instant he was already there in time for them to stick the needle into my tummy in order to fill up my pain pump.  I reached behind me for his warm hand to hold and he grabbed my hand just as I was about to start screaming from the size of the needle.  Yes, needles still terrify the living shit out of me! OMG!   I have no idea why that needle makes me cringe and cry each time but he grabbed my hand and made it all better!)    I was so happy my pain doctor even came down to check on me and was able to accommodate turning up the pump so I that I might be able to cut down on the Dilaudid.   

We were practically in and out of the hospital with everything we needed in less than 20-25 minutes!  He even refilled prescriptions and most importantly; we got my  intrathecal pain pump (huge Skoal Can on my Tummy) refilled.   My honey helped me into a wheelchair and  then he wheeled me right down the hall to  the front waiting area where our ride was waiting.  He helped me into the car from the wheelchair and we were on our way; we made it home in no time.   I know I should just take that shit for granted; but I just can't; I appreciate all that he is to me and am grateful for such a wonderful man.

I was a little panic stricken over how I would manage my pain control since I was not down with taking oral Methadone (it has the most putrid taste ever and I can't get rid of that taste in my mouth unless I eat pickle which are overly acidic in my poor little unworking tummy.  My tummy is basically a general holding area for puke because if anything does make it to my tummy; it's right to the puke bowl in about 5-15 minutes.   It sucks and boy does it get tiring I'm sure of listening to that nastiness.

My honey has another friend who is also in my similar situation; he  too has a sweet wife whom he takes very good care of and he  loves her  dearly; she needs his help in her life and its so sad to think of her loosing him and I hope and pray she has many more  family and friends who can  help take care of her; yes there are always those in far worse situations than you ever thought that you would be in.  In life you can either take the position of a victim (which is quite annoying I must say! = just my humble opinion)  or you can try to conquer what you can; do your best!   Work with your partner which I love doing each day!  He makes my life the best!  He rules!    and it does prove that you really do need lots of love to get through a Cancer Diagnosis; hell we all need it in life. 

Alright back to my awesome husband. We are talking about our friends; they  are dealing with what they have to deal with as well.  His friend was also not down with taking either of those oral nasty liquid medications; they had burned his throat to no end and were more than likely doing the same for me.  My throat always burns and I always have the worst heart burn every.   He too was prescribed the exact same pain medications that I have prescribed for me. You can't quit cold turkey on the Methadone because I think it takes like 24 hours for you to relapse and to seriously have the worst pain ever and then have to deal with trying to catch up on the pain you could possibly suffer from being eaten alive by cancer.  I was facing having to deal with severe cramping from the cancer  pain and scar tissues from ALL those surgeries that  I  have had.

I have also  had enough of the Methadone and of course that horrid, horrid, taste; oh and freaking out when the actual medicine makes it on top of taste bud; then panicking to  try hard to stuff a pickle in my mouth fast enough to in order to get rid of that taste; ewww that taste;  it makes me  yack just thinking about it!(   Oh it doesn't even stop there,   I'm also puking up pickles which really didn't feel so good coming back up and they do have this funny taste when they come back up.  I almost felt like a cow chewing cudd and regurgitating?

  I just could not stomach any more of that Methadone .  There was no way in hell I was going to take it again; so I refused and was now going to take my chances on quitting cold turkey.   I couldn't put that shit in my mouth again.  My honey called the hospice nurse the following day  to let her know of my stubborn ways; that's OK to be that way; you can only take so much in life.    I actually couldn't stomach either one of them.  The Dilaudid is so incredibly overly sweet and chemically tasting like cold medicine? It's sweet in a nauseating kind of way!  Imagine having to take cold medicine every single day; every hour on the hour sometimes; of course I couldn't do that; 8 doses has been my max I believe.  I have had lots of painful days to deal with; that's makes it hard for me sometimes to do anything but veg out on the couch.  Despite all this; one man makes me more than happy to keep on trugging through this!  Oh how I love him is such an understatement!

Anyway, my hospice nurse came up with the most brilliant solution ever; actually my honey figured out the perfect way to administer my nasty ass Methadone; through my G-Tube!  Yeah!  I didn't know we could even do this but he can give it to me in less than 1 minute.  Since my G-Tube has been mostly for decompression I have to sit still for about 20 minutes and try my best not to drink anything.  He gets a syringe and unscrews part of my G-Tube and then screws it back in after he gives me my prescribed dose and then he amazingly uses another large syringe with just enough water to wash it into my tummy and the rest has been history!    I'm not suffering in nearly the pain I had been and only wish I had been doing this all along! Wish we could do the same for the Dilaudid?  We will see.  For now I'm happy see more of these wonderful rainy days where I can day dream about our fun adventures that we have had together! and we have had a lot!


I also feel that music can help so many of us to heal.  Just turning off the TV and listening to music can improve your mood significantly.  Watching some of this worthless crap on TV can make you dummer, maybe a little psychotic, some even wanting to murder others; how could anyone put shit on TV to make people hate one another?  How can they live with themselves selling their soul like that?; especially many of those news programs; don't ever believe everything you hear and always question the source.   It sucks that more and more dishonesty is coming out in journalism?   It just takes a buck to change a fact? That's just the way it is.  Look at all those insurance commercials; we aren't paying for more coverage; we are paying for total annoyance ;all those worthless, monotonous ads on TV that are intrusive, loud, and totally obnoxious.  Turn that shit off and Listen to some good music instead of lies!  Rock out!
Peace and Love to all of you!

14 comments:

l'optimiste said...

oh babe - so pissed off that you are going through so much pain - BUT, I'm so impressed with your fabulous husband :) Way to go!

x

Anonymous said...

Love you CJ!!!

Karen

Kiley said...

I love you too. :-) You are in my thoughts constantly...I wish you and your Honey and the wonderful furry children well.

Anonymous said...

Keep yourself comfortable & yet know the suffering you endure is NOT for nothing. We love having you in this world.We are all better off having you in this world.

Denise said...

How brilliant to have the methadone injected into your G-tube! Yay, oh you sweet gal. Your hubby takes such good care of you, and you of him!

Do you have lidocaine cream for your tummy? It can numb your skin before they refill your pain pump.......it works great on my port.

You take care and God Bless

coffeemaiden said...

Precious Jayne. You are on all of our minds. The amount of people you have influenced in so many wonderful ways is probably mind-boggling. You run thru my mind many times a day, wondering how you are feeling, or a thought of one of your fur-kids, even how your absolutely perfect husband is doing. I can't believe that I'm the only one who checks your website multiple times a day, kind of like calling home to make sure the kids are OK. Love you. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
Deb

Judith Gartner said...

Jayne, You are always in my thoughts. You are an incredible inspiration to me and I will never forget you.

coffeemaiden said...

Is everything all right over there? It's been almost two weeks and I'm getting nervous. Hugs & prayers, Deb

Marge said...

Hi Jayne
Checking in to see how things are with you. I am a bit concern, no updates for a couple of weeks and I miss hearing from you.
Sending Love and hugs,
Margie

Kiwigirl said...

Hi Jayne. I hope you are ok. No updates for a while and I worry about you and your amazing hubby. You are one tough lady who has suffered alot during your battle with ovca. My mum is at home now being cared for my my dad and Hospice. It is not nice to see her waste away and I hope her suffering doesn't go on for much longer as she has no quality of life:( ovarian cancer has taken do much away from her but at least we her family will always be there!. Prayin for you:)

Patricia Parker said...

You are a very great inspiration to everyone of your readers. My wishes and prayers for you always.
Keep posting.
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Bronchitis, sinusitis… they really get me off. :{
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Disclosure

My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
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