Happy Valentine's Day = LOVE 's HOLIDAY....

I know it's been a while since I last posted and to be quite honest I have been busy dealing with lots of pain in my body and an abundant amount  of nausea. Part of the love that I feel so strongly for my husband is how aware he is of what is going on with my body.  He senses things that might not be right; he gets scared as most normally would in keeping his love alive or to be enjoying just one more day with her!  I am always grateful for that one more day; yes we are doing this one day at a time; we can't compound more stress than what is completely necessary.  It's very stressful for both of us.   I can't bite more than I can chew!)

It's a blessing for me if I am able to get outside and experience walking around in a grocery store or even to go shopping.   Well all that got knocked down since I have been getting dizzy from my blood pressure being down and I am struggling really hard trying to get potassium and electrolytes in my body.  I'm stuck on the couch and I do think "my god what would I do if I didn't have my husband and family who try so hard to stick by me and visit to help him out.  My brother and my father are doing everything they can as well to help my honey out.  I am so thankful for my hospice team  who help me to live as comfortably as I can.  Quality of life is so important and it should be for all the other cancer patients out there who are suffering similar to me.

We are working on different concoctions and various things  for my nausea and pain; for now it's WHAT EVER WORKs, WORKS.  Sometimes its the pot, sometime its the other combination of drugs and chemicals.  I still find it hard to believe that there are so many who are against the chronically ill to be able to utilize the most powerful pain medication with minimal harmful side effects compared to morphine, methadone, or Dilaudid.  I couldn't not believe how snootie this woman was on the news and she judged people like me as dirt and scum because I happen to use cannabis for medicine.  She has never met me but yet she is frightened at what I would do to her children if they saw me?  Is she kidding?; I'm fighting constipation every single day and that can kill most of these patients.  Maybe that's pretty damned scary for her?  It happens to be one of the symptoms that pot does NOT cause.  It sure does help provide me with more extra days with my loved ones and I'm ultra grateful for that.  I deserve this extra time!  I know I was supposed to be gone a long time a go but I'm still holding on.  I know this with personal experience.  San Jose, happens to have 103 dispensaries and I'm grateful they will at least consider the law before shutting down 90% of them.

I finally got my blood drawn on Monday  by one of the  hospice nurses and boy was I one hard stick!  My veins appeared to looked so incredibly plentiful; well also despite teeny tiny and my veins looking very plentiful but BOY DO THOSE VEINS ROLL!  We had a hard time getting blood samples and then afterward I was incredibly weak as if I had given up a mass amount of blood; perhaps I needed a blood transfusion.

The nurse who drew my blood was incredibly cool and very sweet as I squealed like a baby stuffed pig after many sticks; we finally got one.

Hours later after the blood samples; I got a call from a doctor who was very concerned about my blood being low on potassium and electrolytes.  We actually got several phone calls of others who were equally concerned about my blood numbers; they looked very dangerously low. The doctor I was speaking too did some brainstorming to see what she could find.  She named off kinds of things that I might be able to try to eat to get my self back to more healthy.  I was finally excited! I could try to eat food even though I would most definitely puke it up but I sure tried to keep it down as much as I could.  Hell I have lots of hope even though it's looking very grim for me.  I know what my future is holding right and to survive Valentines' Day is a pure miracle.  Now I have some hope that I can eat lots of great food (I think all food is great at this point, I just hate that I puke it out most of the time).  I know my time is coming soon as I see my weight plummet to just 79lbs.  It's breaking my heart more and more as I see my honey wake me and scared that I might not respond to loving calls to me.

Well these last couple of days have been spent on the couch trying to eat some good foods and then they only last in my tummy; at most 20 minutes.  I keep hoping that some of it might stay.

Well we did have a very wonderful visit with my brother.  He helped me out so much and of course I had a crying fit when he left because I love him so much; not to worry he will be out here soon enough I hope.  My dad will be here soon to help take care of other things.  The day before my brother left, we both had a lovely drive to Santa Cruz to visit with one of my favorite beautiful families and my brother in fighting cancer. It was great to get out even though it was just for a little while.  We talked about old fun memories and enjoyed the beautiful sea, salt and sun air!  It was so refreshing.  I started to get sleepy and trying so hard to fight back the feeling of passing out.  How embarrassing.  For now I'm looking forward to seeing my dad for a few day and hope that I can continue to survive; I'm a little scare and I spoke with the Champlain just a few weeks ago and due to do so again.  Getting a different perspective is important and to plan in case the inevitable happens.  It's so scary but I have to face this.  I see all hard things so many of us have to face and its sad; I hope everyone else can at least appreciate what their bodies can do for them because you really don't know how much you appreciate until it's going.  I miss eating so much!  I am able to still eat only it doesn't get to stay in my system all that long.  The vomiting is a real thing and if only I could eat what anything of what any of you can rather than just boring TPN; that would be a true gift and I hope all of you cherish everything your body can do for you.

It's sad I know to talk with other women who have had children and then they get diagnosed with cancer and what a nightmare it is to live with that gloom.  I tried to cheer everyone up who is sad about something in their life because in reality we all have something that we are not happy about.  I hope these women can find the gift it was that they were able to be a mother ever for such a short time because some of us never get that pleasure.  Children really are the many joys in the world that I'm thankful for.

My honey and I had  a nice little Valentine's day celebration; we are still celebrating.  My honey got me an nice little card and apparently my honey and I both have a little eye problem.  My honey apologized when he gave me the card and he told me the whole story of how he bought this card.  When he bought the card the cashier gave him a funny look when he bought the card but I feel she should have expressed her feelings?  The front of the card was hard enough for both of us to read and not even notice.  My honey had to tell me; he didn't get why the cashier looked at him funny when he bought the card.   The front of the card read "The longer we're together, the more clearly I can see... I've found exactly the right man to share my life..."  OK he got me a card for a husband but you know what I still love him and would have probably bought this card for him which I told him.  We both cracked up! 

I wish all of you lots of hugs and Peace and Love!  No greed allowed here!  Treat others how you would want to be treated and give everyone you feel who deserves a chance!)