WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

How is hospice helping me so far?

Ovarian cancer is such a dreadful disease that sadly I'm still fighting, kicking, and screaming to fight and oh how I wish so much that  I could beat it!  That would totally rock!   It sure does change one's perspective on life and to realize what's really most important in my life right now.  You sure as hell don't sweat the small things anymore and you really do have to laugh a whole lot more.   I know; how does one laugh when one is going through such a tragic time of life? Oh believe me I can find many reasons to!  It's not really all that tragic;  I of course have my sweetie pie honey by my side no matter what; and he is there with me being the best husband and caregiver he can be.   As another caregiver has said; he is in for the long haul and all to familiar with the TPN rituals!

My ultimate goal in this battle for my life right now is to get as many good quality days  in as possible with my sweetie. I'm so happy that he is able to work from home as this so called "deterioration phase" begins. Physically I'm still doing OK in that I can still walk around; getting a few things done around my home like laundry, cleaning, and of course cooking a great meal (every once in a while) for my sweetie.   I also get to take my pets outside sometimes for walks; Tonto loves to go on walks and often cries by the door for me to take him outside!  He doesn't understand that he can't go out all the time because sometimes the neighbors are out walking their dogs who in turn are not too crazy about seeing a tailless cat on a leash.  The feral cats are not too crazy about him either. and he's not at all crazy about them; but they both make me smile and laugh at least many times each day!  Pets are so important.

Today on my little walk with Blue Belle, she has been chasing squirrels like crazy.  She kind of herded this little squirrel and cornered it and I couldn't really do much as this was happening and then all of a sudden the little shit ran up my leg a little ways and I squealed bloody murder and then it jumped off me and then Blue Belle started chasing it again and it started to run at me again and I squealed again as it turned and jumped up a tree; thank GOD!  I can actually laugh my ass off about it now but it was pretty scary.  They kind of remind me of rats and its terrifying to think of getting bit by one or even scratched.  I'm so glad I had on my long pants and not a dress!

OK back to me.   I'm still happy as can be if I can just get any of the above done or just being able to get outside and enjoying some beautiful sunshine! All the great things I know I will miss when this great journey is over.

My dad has been here for the last couple of days and will be leaving tomorrow but he will be returning soon in couple of weeks.  It's so great to have family visiting and  to be helping out around the home.   It is amazing!  Oh and we will be watching the World Series tonight!  I'm super duper happy that our Giants are finally  in the World Series; hell they haven't won one since they were in New York.  OK enough about the sports!

I have also been fortunate enough to have  had quite a few visitors from my job which has been more than wonderful.  God I sure miss them; I have to hold back tears when they leave because I miss them so terribly; coming into work and being around such great people.   Oh how I have been blessed to know each and every one of them! Oh how I love good people!)

So now; how is hospice care helping me so far? Well so far I do have a great nurse, although I still miss my old nurse and wished so much I could have kept her. I had such a horrible time  adjusting last weekend and part of this week trying to control back and obvious abdominal pains (those include hunger pains and surgical pains= I'm not even sure I'm sewn up right inside there?). We finally got the pain under control for once but the hard part about it all is keeping it under control.   I can loose control of that pain so easily; so that's where having my honey around helps me greatly.  

What we are trying out right now in addition to my pain pump is Methadone (2ml per day= 1ml morning, 1 ml at night), then I have this wonderful cream that I can rub into my skin that has a combination of Benadryl, Ativan, and something else? for the nausea but it hasn't helped much for the insomnia so tonight I get to take a regular Ativan (crush it up and  mix with 1ml water) to take under my tongue.  (can't take pills very well).  I also will be cutting down to 10 hours on the TPN to see if the nausea will let down some; that's also another sign that my body isn't taking to well to food. 

My new nurse calls me daily to find out how I am doing and I'm very thankful for that.  It seems each day is a new thing to conquer whether it be pain, nausea, or insomnia.  What is very helpful is that they are trying to get this down to a science in "End Stage Ovarian Cancer", she gets to talk about my case (my problems) with lots of other hospice nurses who in turn offer up genius solutions to help me combat my daily problems.  If she doesn't have the solution; she will get it and I'm very grateful for that.


Peace and Love to all of you!

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Janell said...

You are really courageous and these posts, yesterday and today, are driving that courage home. These are not only precious moments for you, your hubby and your animals but for all of us who read your blog.

BJ said...

Just the fact that you are able to post something is a good day for me. I think Janell pretty much says it all... I couldn't agree more! Just want you to know that I'm thinking about you and your family and still saying my prayers for you.

Big hugs and lots of love to you,

l'optimiste said...

ditto Janell - you are so brave. And we are all with you, even though we're miles away...sending lots of healing thoughts and stuff...hugs babe

Anonymous said...

love your posts and pictures! sending you hugs and love! go giants! :) xo amy

Anonymous said...


I think you should think about renaming what they call the "deterioration phase," how depressing is that? That is such a flawed concept because it totally ignores other aspects of your being besides your body.

We are not our bodies. Rather, our bodies are part of us, but not all of us. And probably not even the most important part.

What about your spirit--which in you is so incredibly strong? And your mind and your consciousness and your being...These are the most important things, and most surely they aren't "deteriorating." In fact, in your case, they seem to be growing stronger by the hour.

You may have limited control over the changes in your body, but don't let medical people refer to "you" as "deteriorating" because that just isn't an accurate representation of the transformation you are going through.

[steps off soapbox] ; )

Love to you, courageous woman!!!


Anonymous said...

You know I'm a born and raised Texas girl, right? And a big time baseball fan. So this is a really, really, big sacrifice but if the Giants win the World Series, I won't mind because it will make you smile, Jayne.


Tasgirl said...

You are such a BRAVE and courageous person and I love reading your blogs. I hope you get your dream of the Giants winning even though I am Australian and do not know the game!
Keep smiling Jenny

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

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