End of Life Pain is more common....

I found this article on WebMD and so far it does make sense:
http://www.webmd.com/pain-management/news/20101101/end-of-life-pain-common?src=RSS_PUBLIC

I got my pain pump refilled on Tuesday  (on election day and the day after the San Francisco Giants win the World Series!)  I never thought I would live to see the day when my San Francisco Giants would win the World Series, now I just wish to see my Sharks win the Stanley Cup.  If I'm gone before then maybe they can do so in my memory?  That would be freaking awesome!  We will see!)

I also enjoyed watching the parade yesterday!  It was so amazing and would have been cool to go to but I know I would have been in hell in a crowd like that!  Wow!  I couldn't believe how many people were at this parade!  I'm so proud of the Giants!

Well back to my pain pump.  I have this drug already in my pain pumped;  Bivucane? well the danger that I face with this drug is that tiny crystals can form and cause blockages inside the wires that are hooked to my spine (I am totally not getting the terminology correct but hopefully I'm getting the idea correct!)  Anyway we are changing the concoction of drugs that are inside my pain pump. I was told it should take a couple of days for me to be able to tell a difference in the pain control? 

Pain is just something I am having to live with each day; it seems its always something whether it be my heartburn, my insides not feeling all together sewn, or my ass?  Something is always hurting inside me? At least I have many options to choose from for my pain including Cannabis; the most feared plant in all the world.  In some countries I would be executed for trying to relieve my pain and in some states I might even be put in jail but thankfully in CA; at least for now it is legal.

  At least I'm on Hospice now and not later; I could  actually die any day now and its weird feeling OK about not being around for the next election.  (I don't think I could handle the stress of having a really out of touch and not so intelligent president like Sara Palin = no way, no how!)  That would be too stressful for me to even consider handling?  It was bad enough when we had that chimpanzee.

I also don't think I want any part of the government controlling everything about me including what I choose to use for pain control.  The people that make these kinds of decisions for others have never walked a day in my shoes and they certainly do not know what is best for me or even what really works for me.   I have faught for eight long years for what should have been only 2 years.  I'm alive still because of cannabis and I could be alive many more years?  Maybe that's a problem?   Perhaps this is why the government is not up to speed on what cannabis can do for patients including giving them more time  to be with their families; is this not right?  Do we actually have population control?  I often wonder why we haven't been studying curing cancer with cannabis?  Many have been cured this way and I would love to be cured of cancer!  I would love to live longer but I'm feeling more and more OK with dying as I see how Greedy America is starting to appear?  How can people be so cold and uncaring for others who really are sick?

I have never felt like I was danger to others or myself after smoking a joint or using my vaporizer?  There isn't an oz. of meanness in me at all; I just want to know why the government and those politicians continue to lie and tell me that's its a gateway drug when 91% of addicts consider cigarettes their gateway drug?  OK enough of me probably not making any sense of this election.  I will never understand why people have a problem with investing in our future or our country when they didn't bat an eye when our last president and VP wasted billions and billions of our tax dollars away on fighting a country that never attacked us, and of course Halliburten which blew up good equipment and vehicles during this war just to make more money ripping us off and selling the military more vehicles and equipment at inflated prices?  Did anyone know that we are  now out of Iraq?  He did keep his promise and he got us out of there!)  I'm freaking happy about that?)

There was so much corruption during that last Presidency and all this current president is trying to do is fix our country and economy; believe it or not it does take lots of money to fix and he should be able to just that? Right?  He's not trying to break it like the last one.  Did everyone just forget what had happened?  I sure didn't.  I have chemo brain but it sure the hell isn't that bad!  Why can't we have health care and education for our future?  Health care should a right and not a privilege.

I do have some things to be happy about in this election; prop. 23 didn't pass and the lesser of two evils for governor won and then we are sending Boxer back but it would be better if we had more representation of who we really voted for; I voted Green Party for most.  I don't trust either of these parties because they have sold their souls as far as I'm concerned.   They seem to be so out of touch that it's ridiculous.   Many on the far right (Conservatives) don't wish for us to have a middle class because they feel its bad for our economy; it should only be extremely poor or super duper rich? Now those 1% wealthy CAN afford to pay their share of taxes just like my husband and I.   What they end up doing with that money is spending it overseas and not investing in our country.  We need that money so that we can fix our country so that it can be as wonderful as it once was.  What are we supposed to do? Sit around and wait for it to be fixed or use intelligence and common sense to fix it? OK enough with my venting.  I still have plenty to be thankful for; including still being alive.  I just can't help but be puzzled as to why we can't fix our country right now?

Now the update on me.  I still have not lost my appetite just yet and we just decreased my TPN input to 10 hours (1250ml); I have no idea how many calories I will get for the full day; I just hope its enough and that I don't loose any more weight.  I am up 105lbs.  I'm doing a really strange thing of trying to eat.  I do realize I may not have much time left here so I'm pigging out on food that I love, then I puke it up or suck it up with my R2 and I'm drinking gallons and gallons of water.  I just get so thirsty that I just can't help it and I have the worst craving for pickles?  I can sit there and eat a whole jar and then the puking starts.  Its horrible puking but at least good old R2 helps much in sucking out my gut!)  The heartburn is the worst pain ever!  But I still get the cravings?  Not sure why this is happening?  I'm just this walking medical experiment that just keeps on going?  Many would have given up years ago but my bull headedness just won't allow me too!

I'm also puzzled that I'm on these heavy duty drugs that would kill a regular person and I have no idea why it hasn't done that to me yet?  I just keep on living and surviving what should be impossible?  Hospice Care has been wonderful so far and I feel it's helping me and because of it I'm not suffering as bad as I was.  I do love my new nurse and she checks on me every day to make sure I'm OK.  We also met with a Chaplain which was incredibly helpful.  I'm not religious in any way; I do believe in the power of prayer and good energy. I just happen to worship my husband and can't help it.  He continues to amaze me with his love and dedication to keeping me alive.  We do that TPN ritual every day and he so supportive and amazing!) I just  love him to pieces!  I do know that I'm going somewhere and what ever happens will happen; I know it's going to be a good place.  It sucks that I'm so young and having to deal with this.

I hope soon there will be enough awareness of this disease and that more women will catch it early rather than later as it is often misdiagnosed.    I can't believe that for 2 years my doctor had done just that "your cervix is tilted?"  So it was tilted because it had a big ass tumor in there that was tilting it?  What's done is done and I fault hard and am still fighting hard; more than likely I'm going to be fighting till the very end.  The love in my heart is my strength.

Peace and Love to all you!  My sincere apologies if my rant offended anyone!