WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Things I have to complete before I die...

 I thought I would write about this subject since it isn't even thought of a whole lot even for normal couples.  It could actually happen to any one of us; but in my case its making more sense that we get prepared and get the messy paperwork and stuff out out of the way.  Death can be a messy thing in the beginning and having a stiff hanging around the house over night if you haven't picked out the right mortuary could be a bit nerve wracking.      

This week my honey and I are going to be looking at funeral homes, mortuaries, and /or places to hold a Memorial Service.  We were both initially very confused about  all the paperwork and thinking that I needed to sign some of the forms  and being in horrible, horrible trouble if we had not had the signed the paperwork while I was still alive?  Well we printed everything out because in all honestly we were both a bit stressed out like crazy about it all.

I'm glad that we were able to  speak with our Social Worker yesterday and thankfully we didn't have to worry as much as we had been.  It doesn't matter when those boring forms get signed and I certainly don't have to worry about signing  any of them either. All those forms are very confusing for anyone to have to fill out. I can see how scary those forms are for the survivor.

As for services we are trying to figure out what we plan to do; whether it be a party to celebrate my life or just a service for those who choose to show up; many can just come on up tell their own stories about me or sit and watch the slide shows for which I'm preparing for the service.   My slide shows contain tons of photos of me with all my favorite music.  Oh all the wonderful memories my honey have made together!) What ever happens, happens and I'm OK with it.  I just hope that no one ever forgets who I am.

I even started working on my own Obituary?  Yeah, the internet is very cool like that and there are bunches  and bunches of templates one can use to write a very good Obituary.  Oh and there is an awesome band that I saw maybe 20 years ago called Obituary!)  Wow they rock!   My honey just wants all this difficult stuff done so that he doesn't have to worry about having to do all that when the time comes; I plan to help him get it all done; what every it takes.    It sucks that sometimes my pains end up scaring him; especially when I'm having those add insult to injury butt hole spasms.  Why the hell do I have to suffer with those?  That's pretty strange, huh?

We are even trying to pick out Urns.  I can't believe how many beautiful Urns there are out there and all the ones that I end up liking end up costing over a grand?  Why do I have such exquisite tastes?  Not fair!  If it makes him happy to get all of this shit out of the way; I'm all for it.  It's going to be very hard on him and I can't even imagine how hard its going to be.   He deserves the very best and I'm going to help him no matter how hard it gets.   I just can't imagine the thought of loosing him so I imagine he's going through his own personal hell.  Cancer is so evil and I hope one day there will be a cure so that no as one young as myself or younger or even older has to deal with such grim realities.  I'm  really sad for him and it makes me cry to even think about how hard it's going to be for him to have to continue on with out me? How can a love story like ours end like that?  We are supposed to be together forever, right?  Why does this shit have to happen to us?  We are both good people right?  It would be cool if we could, but unlucky for me having the most deadliest form of female cancer there is; makes me quite unlucky like that. I love my sweet pumpkin boy!)  He is so amazing and wonderful!

I know these are all old photos of us and we have been through so many years of fun and so many years of sheer terror from this disease.  There have been countless times of not knowing that I was going to make it.  I almost feel like an immortal, a walking medical experiment; but I'm still alive and I'm going to keep on living despite the fact that we went through all that crap of researching all this death crap.   It's going to happen to all of us eventually and to have a mortuary already picked out is pretty important.  I'm happy that we have a checklist of things to complete and I also feel confident  that everything will go smoothly with my honey should the inevitable happen. 

Check out those lockets!  My hair was so freaking curly when it came back in!)  I'm doing OK for now and the Hospice care is helping me quite a bit with the pain and the suffering.   I think my quality of life is much better than expected!)  (the pot has been giving me the major, major munchies and of course I get so incredibly thirsty!)  I still have that will to live and it's strong.  I wish so bad that I could actually eat a real home cooked meal.  At this point I think most people are so lucky and they don't even see it.  My honey is allowing me to eat what ever my heart's content and after wards its always the same thing; lots of violent puking.  Then I end up using my vaporizer which has been the very best treatment for the nausea of anything I have including the Zofran ODT which I take about 3 times a day and just letting it sit on my tongue until it dissolves.   So I'm a forced Bolimic.  NO I don't think I'm fat; I think I'm too damned skinny!  I need some real meat on my bones.  Why is it that we can liposuction and we can't have lypersuckion?   But I do eat and pig out as much as I can which really isn't a lot of food but I end up puking or sucking it all out with R2 (my Gomco constant and intermittent stomach pump).  The Vaporizer works excellently on the severe heartburn I get from eating the most starchiest of food including french fries and fried chicken!)  I did get up to 106lbs by pigging out but I had to eventually get it all out before it messed up my seriously bad. 

I wish all of you Lots of Peace and Love!  Hope you enjoy this collage of photos that I took of Tonto enjoying his Captain's Chair!)  Actually I will have to try again later to upload this impossible video for YouTube.  They are having much trouble with this video? Hopefully later it will be uploaded soon!)

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Janell said...

Such a beautiful and poignant post. We never think we're going to have to deal with this shit. I remember taking my husband down to the lawyer and we had her do a trust and a will and the health care stuff. But when he finally died, I kept his body at home for 24 hours. It was really peaceful. I know this sounds weird but I felt like I could finally rest and slept in the living room on a mattress in the same room with his body. I still have his ashes. I bought a walnut box with a removable lid that has his name engraved and his birth and death date and three dolphins which to me, signified him and our twin sons. (OH, in Santa Cruz county, you can keep a body for 3 days - some cultures aren't as creeped by death so they allow for that with the 3 days).

Of course, this is all easy for me to write about and say. It wasn't me dying. I know I have learned so much from witnessing you and your will, strength and courage. I am grateful for your experience.

Vee said...

I have been a lurker on your blog for some time. I lost my husband to cancer 6 months ago and he too wanted to get things sorted out before he left. I put if off for a long time because I was never ready to deal with it but I was so grateful that we eventually did it, it really did ease the pressure and just allowed me to grieve rather than have to make big decisions at a very difficult time. I have always admired your courage and positivity.

I hate that cancer causes people to suffer in pain. I wish you the very best.

guineapigmum said...

Such beautiful photos, Jayne.

Becca said...

Hi Jane... I subscribed after my sister was diagnosed with OC. I lost her last year, but I continue to follow your posts. Know that you will be remembered... even if it's by someone you never met. Your beauty, style, and courage are an inspiration! I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to have known a little piece of you. And if you aren't with us next year, you will have a luminary beside my sister, way across the country in MI.

Maggie said...

You will be remembered, not just by those close to you, but by all of us out here in cyber world that have been lucky enough to read your posts and follow the story of your life.

I think you are giving your husband the most beautiful gift you can give by sorting through all this mess BEFORE you die. We are a culture that spends an incredible amount of time and energy on planning our lives, but not our deaths. And death can be a beautiful thing - it's a part of life that no one will be able to escape. My plan is to do exactly as you have done. It is really hard for my guy and my babies to discuss, but in the end I believe it will make the transition easier for them. I send you good energy every day while I meditate and hope you continue to have pain free days, lots of laughter, hugs and kisses and enjoy life in whatever way you can....

Denise said...

You are such an angel. I can't imagine what you are dealing with, going to a mortuary, writing obituary. Golly, I hope I have the same strength if I ever go through this. I think about you and your husband all the time and pray for you. I really wish your gut would calm down and let you eat with peace. I really do.

YOu are so generous to share this time with all of us, your most intimate moments while in hospice.
God Bless you dear. My heart is with you and your husband.

Anonymous said...


Love you!!!


l'optimiste said...

I am not as brave as my dear Janell - I cried and cried reading this post.

I will miss you so much. BUT I will never forget you - you know that all the girls in the group won't either. I know that I would be the same as you - I'd want everything sorted for the FH before I died.

Fuck, I am so struggling here...Jayne, we love you. We will miss you. And we will NEVER forget you - I will make sure we don't. And I wll keep in touch with James IF he wants that.

This post is so brave.

But in the meantime - you are still here :) - gotta be good right?
hugs babe

Pateeta said...

Dearest Jayne,
I so admire your courage. Believe me, you will never be forgotten, even by those who never met you. This may seem like a strange thing, but have you ever heard of a Living Wake? A friend of mine had one for his dad when he was at the end of his road with leukemia. They had a big party at their house and invited everyone to come and spend time with him and say things to him while he was alive to hear it. It was a huge emotional and uplifting experience, and his dad spent the remainder of his days much more peacefully. I kinda like the idea of a Living Wake. Maybe you'll like this poem:


Author Unknown

If you are ever going to love me,

Love me now, while I can know

The sweet and tender feelings

Which from true affection flow.

Love me now

While I am living.

Do not wait until I'm gone

And then have it chiseled in marble,

Sweet words on ice-cold stone.

If you have tender thoughts of me,

Please tell me now.

If you wait until I am sleeping,

Never to awaken,

There will be death between us

And I won't hear you then.

So, if you love me, even a little bit,

Let me know it while I am living

So I can treasure it.

Elena said...


I haven't seen you for so long but I feel so close to you. Your words are so strong and inspiring....I cant believe that is all happening to you.

coffeemaiden said...

You leave me speechless. What a wonderful, strong woman to do this with your husband. He has helped you thru your illness and now you're helping him thru this. That's what love is, but it has to be so hard for both of you. Jayne, there are so many of us out here who have never met you but will never forget you. You have changed me in many ways, for the better. Seeing things thru your eyes has given some of us a perspective we might never have known.
Hugs and prayers,

mishall magarzo said...

My doctor said that my eyes can be affected too by my asthma?

Movie & TV Show Preview Widget


My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

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