WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Friday, November 19, 2010

My Teal Toes and more....

These last couple of days have been somewhat good days; I had some wonderful visitors on Wednesday, not Saturday (as I had previously thought; no wonder it seemed like just yesterday?) and I was feeling pretty good.  We had some good quality time and both my pets had a blast with them.  Tonto is starting to dig getting compliments from others now.  He always knows if we are talking about him and he digs being the subject of conversation.   He is really warming up.  The nausea I've had lately has been under control thanks to our visit with a friend on Sunday.  

We had been actually running quite low on cannabis and at times I had to take the Dilaudid for pain.   I smoked a few buds  (buds NOT the Dilaudid) right up in my water pipe and one in my Vaporizer.   Using the Vaporizer; it works so amazingly well for several hours just   in getting rid of the horrid heart burn pain.  It's been so bad lately.  Anything over the counter usually does absolutely nothing for this heartburn.  This heartburn almost feels like a heart attack almost.  It also feels like someone is pouring hydrochloric acid right onto my heart.  It freaking sucks and sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night with the worst case!

Then on Sunday we went to see a good friend of mine in Santa Cruz who helped me greatly in just giving me some very, very good quality medicine which has been working wonders on my horrible nausea and painful, painful heartburn.  I didn't think pot could be so strong enough to help with that?  My heartburn really is the worst and I hate when it comes because its so hard to get rid of.  Sometimes things work for it and sometimes they don't.  I have try different medications in order to get rid of it just for a little while, then it comes back again.  Each fight it's own battle.  That's kind of how we have to live our lives in getting out of certain predicaments. Lifes changes. 

As the days have been passing; the heartburn has unfortunately been getting worse.  Sometimes I have to pull out the heavy duty arsenal of medicines for that heartburn.  It's so miserable and for a plant to work on that kind of pain for me  really is a miracle.  It was like night and day for me using the cannabis.  I was so happy to go visit with my friend who also has  2 of the very cutest children and they are so incredibly well behaved.  Good, Good, Great parents!  Some people let their kids get by with murder and the kids can be very stressful for me to be around; but not these kids.  The baby was to die for!  Especially for Blue Belle.  She has a very, very hard time listening to me when it comes to babies. She just wants to give the baby a kiss or maybe lots and lots of kisses.   She just  loves children to peaces and its such a treat when my friends bring their kids and then the kids get to enjoy my sweet animals.  Its a good experience for the kids to be able to play with such a safe dog that you don't have to worry about biting. the kids instead the  kids biting the animals.   She won't even bite another animal or even protect here?.  She's totally passive; well kinda like me.  We are both just too nice sometimes.  

With children; knowing that my dog is in heaven, it makes me smile at their wonder as they give love to Blue Belle.  She's a little show off where she will walk up and do her little bow then she might go in for a quick kiss on the lips preferably.  She's so freaking soft and smells great (I brush her often and sometimes use conditioner/dander relieving sprays on her.   Kids could pull her hair, step on her accidentally and  still no worries about her ever biting.  She's that sweet.    Its  always fun to watch the neighbor's kids as they play with her.  She loves children and I wished so much that I could have been able to volunteer with her but I do share her with the world as I live it.   Sometimes I have to stop and share my dog when I take her with me anywhere, shopping, on walks or on my bike rides; her fur is so irresistible and that little Sheltie smile with the flippy ears back.   She has such a cute little foxy  face!  Many who have had Shelties; recognize immediately what she is.   They usually are drawn right to her.   I've even seen huge burley bikers dudes freak out on her cuteness factor.   I totally understand that need to just dig your face into that soft sweet smelling fur especially after she gets a bath or brushing.   I know how it is; I have seen many cute puppies that I just want to hug, hold and love on!  My dog happens to be one of them! 

Yesterday it definately felt like the end could be soon because trying to eat my favorite foods has increasingly become more than just painful for me.  The vomiting factor is making me question eating more and more?  I'm practically starving (the TPN sometimes just isn't enough to satisfy my cravings or maybe its the munchies from the good pot?) but as of right now I am absolutely terrified of having more heartburn that is so hard to control.  It's so freaking painful!  Sometimes the pot will work for it and sometimes nothing works or it takes forever to get rid of it?  I do know that the Vaporizer works the very best of this kind of pain for at least a few hours and then when the pain returns and by then I have no energy to fight it.   Sometimes I puke my brains out and try to drain out the acid in my stomach with my R2 where that seems to the root of the pain; its just so tiring to fight sometimes.  It's usually any kind of food that I eat.; even water?   I still crave pickles, and oh does that give me shitty heartburn!  I love pickles so much and sometimes my cravings are strong enough where I warrant eating pickles like I don't mind having to puke them right back up.

Today, I didn't eat anything because my friend treated me to a pedicure and it  sure felt wonderful!  I didn't dare want to sit there and puke my brains out as I'm getting my toes worked on.    It tickled like hell at first but it was awesome to get out and  even have some good old genuine fun with my friend.  I thought I had picked out a teal color but I think it looks more green than Teal?  The little flower cheers it up all the more but this photo really doesn't do my flat feet justice!  They are much prettier in person!  Oh God is that a hair I see on my big toe? Ewwww! sorry folks!)

Well the nurse I went with was my first home health nurse whom I have missed  so dearly.   We have created an unbreakable bond and will forever be friends.  I love her so much!  I love her kids too; whom I have never met and of her dog too!  What an awesome friend and she is always just a phone call away if I have any questions or if I want somebody to go to a movie with!)  What a wonderful nurse she is and how I wished I could have kept her for my nurse but I do love my new nurse.   We have also created a bond.  

I just love nurses!   There really seems to be a huge shortage in this country for them.  Maybe some of that stimulus money could go to educating more nurses here?   We sure need them!  If I could do it all over again, I would definitely be a nurse.    I think with all of those great nurses I have had the pleasure of having have inspired me more than anything with their compassionate love and care for me.  Oh I have had my share of bad nurses too, but those great nurses I have had make me forget the bad nurses I had.  Remember the one that farted in my room and she blamed me and I couldn't even shit much less fart yet after that kind of surgery; OH how I wished it had been me but she blamed me?  I really have  been blessed with the best home nurses and hospice nurses too!  They are all angels. 

That's another reason I don't understand why everyone seems to think that Obama's healthcare plan is so evil.? My own mother is benefiting so much more than before  and I surely am.   It takes a huge load off my shoulders to know that she's finally covered.  She is able to get her medications so much easier than before and so much cheaper; more affordable.  Imagine that?  I'm very thankful that I have been able to get onto Hospice care with my TPN.   Before I would more than likely have had to pay $2-3000 per day to stay alive?  How is that great?  Please someone answer me on that?  Now I don't have to?  There all kinds of benefits in his plans but everyone seems to be  so brainwashed into thinking its all bad.  If we can afford to fight a war with a country that never attacked us in the first place; we can afford health care for our own.   Hello, a death panel?   That turned out to be a total lie along with so many others.  How can people be so gullible to everything they broadcast in the news?  I always have to check sources and make my own opinion.  I can't be swayed that easily because of my bull headedness mostly.   I think it has to do with where I was born (MO = show me state!)  I have never read there was ever such thing as a death panel; maybe before there was; but not anymore.   My life is definitely worth saving along with so many others!)

I guess you can say that I am living on borrowed time even though I am only 40 years old.  Yes, hospice is usually against keeping someone alive; especially someone who is in my shape, artificially.   With out the food bag I might be alive for may another 2 weeks or less.   I am still  being questioned about when I feel that I need to turn off my food; I guess it will happen one day., but I don't feel it should be anytime soon.   I don't feel the need to just  yet, I just want to stay alive at least till next year or Valentine's Day or  maybe even my 45th?  Time is just going by wayyyyy too fast!  I think I need more time to be able savor some of these great days that I get to spend with my honey!)  He's really taking great care of me and just being an overall great husband.  I'm so proud of him!  Oh and he's so HOT!

Most days I take lots of naps and am able to do some small things here and there  around my home like a few loads of laundry, dishes and cooking meals.   I can't take those small abilities for granted.  I know one day I won't be able to get out of bed and I sure am thankful for every day that I am able to get out of bed.  I do get out everyday and am able to take Miss Blue Belle and sometimes Tonto out for a walk.  Yes, those two are responsible for getting me outside everyday; rain or shine!) 

I really love being able to make my honey a meal; it just sucks that I can't eat it  every time with him; how I long too!)   As long as I can stay alive and am able to put up with the pain that I have to deal with; I'm OK.  I just  love waking up each morning with my honey and every time that I do its always  a great day to be alive!  Life is a blessing to me and I cherish every day I can with my honey; I'm not tired of the pain just yet?  If I were to turn off the food, it is said that I may last a week or two, but so far I just don't feel up to it yet.  I still have some hope that my intestines will figure out how to deliver food to my poopers?    That would be so freaking cool!  I bet everyone takes that for granted; I sure as hell don't. It is such a fantastic day when I get one of those out!  It's happening on some days!)  Thank GOD!

As for my Pet Therapy Animals.  They always make me feel so wonderful!  Blue Belle  is so freaking sweet and such a nice little girl.  She always listens to me; Tonto does sometimes.  Blue Belle and Tonto are great, they have been so close to me lately; not wanting to leave my side.  Tonto  loves to sleep on his chair that is right next to me.  I took all kinds of photos of all precarious positions that I could have never dreamed up?  I still keep laughing and I think he loves it when I laugh at him because his face is just full of himself like he just did something great!   Sometimes he will sit up and look right at me, I noticed this after I awoken from a nap and just happened to look up at him to see if he was there and he was just staring right at me; kind of watching me sleep.   I know this is boring stuff but staying home and healing; I notice these little things that my pets do that show their love for me.   

Sometimes Tonto will get off of his chair and he will just sit on the rug that is right in front of me.   He has totally gotten out of his old shell of hating all company or just being very jealous of them., he really get jealous of the phone (he will scream and scream if I on the phone sometimes; its absolutely hillarious and cute at the same time for someone on the other end); sometimes he gives a visitor very dirty looks; mostly at children but he is starting to trust more people that he deems are good people which has been most of my friends who have come to visit.     He is much more friendlier than he ever was.   He doesn't like someone just going to grab for him; he's not a touchy feel kind of guy.   The only annoying thing is that he keeps telling me that he is starving to death (he has to loose 2 more lbs!) and his big fat butt keeps heading over to his empty bowl  (of course his butthole always seems to be winking right at me as if it were a single eyeball?) (no tail on this boy, hence "Bull Cat") where he will continue to lick his empty bowl.   Sometimes you can hear a little slurp? ick! but just as loud as he possibly can.  "I'm sooooo hungry mom!"  It is the most blatant "I'm starving" that I have ever seen!   It's as if he is giving me some sort of a hint, hint?.   So I have to deal with those kinds of little mind games (Tonto just hates being on a diet) that he often likes to play with me; its usually  a long 2-4 hours till dinner time when he starts his crap.  Some days he OK and he doesn't bug me about it.  Plus its been cold lately and the doggie door has to stay closed so that we don't waste electricity and boy does he go through that thing when it's open.  He will gallap through the house really fast with his huge heavy giganto feet; "thumpy, thumpedy, thump" he goes!., then bang right out the doggie door as it flaps, one, two and sometimes 3 times.   When the doggie door remains open, he may goes through it at least a couple hundred times during the day.  Each time it opens and closes, cold air now comes right on in.     Being the little skinny ass (102.5) that I am, at least I'm maintaining the weight), I get cold very easily.  Sometimes my temperature will get cold and that usually scares me.  But yes, Tonto always seems to make me laugh even in the most dire circumstances.  I might be sitting on the couch in horrible pain, crying sometimes (if its bad enough) and he will bring out a little hot pink feather ball toy.  He will sit up  and smack it right at me.  So then we get to play some kitty bad minton or he will fetch it and drop right at my feet.  I think he hates seeing me in pain; they know something is up. 

Anyway, I hope everyone is happy to be alive today! Peace and Love to you all!

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Lani Phillips said...

Thanks for blogging Jayne. I love hearing about your 4 legged kids! <3 ya Lani

l'optimiste said...

love the toes :)

you and your husband decide stuff. no-one else...
love from across the pond

Lakeland Jo said...

Good to see you posting Jayne. Sorry about the crappy pain- stay strong girl. You are amazing. You decide when you have had enough and only you.
I also don't understand why folk are so against Obama's plans for health care. I just think its civilised and humane. Are folk just scared of paying more tax or scared of state control?

Shopping Kharma said...

Thank you all for the support and love! I never ever take your love for granted!

As for why others are so against Health Care for all or blowing up other countries; I haven't quite figured that out yet. I believe it is the right thing to do and I would much rather my tax dollars go help save a life rather than being used to kill innocent children and war or even the failed drug war which has increasing made our country less and less safe.

Give people their bodies back and if they wish to hurt their bodies as do the alkies and smokers; we could make it safer and the taxes could go to rehab and education that really works. It's very scary to think of loved ones going down some dark sketchy corner to get their fix or going into a safe gov't run pharmaceutical drug store with much protection; less dangerous; no battery acid components. Prohibition makes no sense at all and its a pure waste of tax dollars. Of course it's making all kinds of thugs billionaires who don't have to pay taxes on their illegal drug money.

Anonymous said...

Great post! You have such a great attitude and a cool cast of characters to work with! I run a blog called toemail and while we have already posted about Teal Toes we would be delighted to have you join our little toemail community!

BJ said...

I love to read your posts, Jayne... don't EVER stop! Ok? Did you notice Blue Belle's eyes in the first picture of her on your recent post? How photogenic she is... and Tonto, what a character!

I love you sweetie, hang in there! I'll be praying that your pain gets under control, not to mention that nasty heart burn... hate that!


mishall magarzo said...

I was once diagnosed of sinusitis.. :{

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
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