I wish my cancer could be cured....

 Well originally I had my blog entry entitled Self Port, but it didn't make much sense since most of what I will be blogging about is about wanting and wishing for this cancer to go, far far away from body.  At least you can click on the link in order to hear my friend's very funky, cool beat, and inspirational music.   I am doing what ever I can to help out my friend in promoting his wonderful, inspiring music for his band "Red House".   He might change the name and I promise to update it soon or when ever that happens.  Forgive me for my untech-savy-ness but I did include the link to his music in the title link if you care to listen.   He is one of those true friends that will pick you back up when you have fallen.  I just clicked the link last night and my was it groovey for me.  I just lost myself in space to the melodies; great music just has a way of doing that to me.

It kind of reminds me of a friend of mine who was studying and researching the effects of sound therapy.  I had met a very cool chick a few years who lives in Half Moon Bay;  anyway she got heavily into sound therapy and wanted so bad to practice on me.  I too wanted her to be able to study it on me as well because what if it cured my cancer?   I couldn't make it out there so much because I had been working quite a bit at the time and did not even have the time; well now I do but we just can't go far on trips because my poor bowels that are so unpredictable these days.

Here's Tonto; he always talks to me like this every morning and I actually caught this footage on Wednesday then lost the file.  I could not for the life of me find the video.  I thought I would have to copy it all over again; anyway I thought this might make a few of you laugh or smile so here is Tonto!

Well to be quite honest I have been having this horrible, horrible bone pain ( yes, I got some tumors that are growing on my side right here)  This is on the side of my right rib cage and I will be meeting with a specialist on Thursday to see about radiation therapy to get rid of these tumors.  The bone pain here is tremendous but nothing a little Cannabis can't take care of.  To me, it looks as if I am getting an Angel Wing instead of a tumor (yes I tend to look at the bright side of things in as many ways as I can); then there are 2 little poke' dots.  Can you imagine having this on yourself?  You had better bet that I am entitled to my medicine which currently is the only thing that is working on this fucking bone pain.  Yes, the pain does warrant for some non ladylike language.  I'm a lady to no one but my honey; to everyone else; I'm a spayed female.  That's how I feel about the whole thing now!  When boy dogs try to chase Miss Blue Belle; there is no flirting what so ever; she only flirts with other people; not with Dogs or even cats. OK enough; things have a way of getting better.

It does sort of look like an Angel Wing is just sprouting up out of my back kinda sorta? Or am I just being too optimistic on this one?   It was hard to photograph these tumors and I had to do so while looking in the mirror.   It's so great that I don't feel as groggy or as drugged up as I had been lately with  having to utilize the Dilaudid and Percocets.  Yes, pain has been hitting the 8 range; not double digits just yet but I can't honestly let it get that way; I'm not allowed too; doctor's orders.  It's not good for me to be in such great pain and not do anything about it.    I hate having to take and depend on these medications in order to live; but I do love life so much that I have to do what I have to do to survive.  It's not good for the body to suffer like that and I keep that in mind when I start having those stubborn days where I don't wish to take anything for pain.

I definitely don't live to take them and if I didn't have to take them; I would be quite happy.  I hate them so much for what they do to other people's lives for those who live to take those drugs.  I would never kill anyone or hurt anyone in order to get these medications; I think I would just die of my disease instead.   Because I have a life threatening illness and possible death sentence; I'm entitled to what ever makes me comfortable to live.  (feeling dizzy, groggy and sleepy)  I hope this paragraph made some sense to some of you.  I have been watching a lot of TV lately and it seems there are lots of addicts out there killing innocent people like myself and others in order to get their  next fix.  Lives don't mean a thing to them and something needs to be fixed.  Things have gotten worse and to prosecute someone who is sick for taking cannabis or even just relaxing in their own home utilizing it to relax and wind down after a stressful day makes no sense at all.   Cannabis really needs to be legalized.   Let's prosecute those who actually cause harm to others and society.    Don't Prosecute those who live by the Golden Rule!  How dumb is it to fill up our prisons with those who don't cause society any harm what so ever?  I feel it is a waste of our tax dollars.  I do feel we should prosecute greedy bastards who cause financial harm and stealing from others.  You just don't take what isn't yours.

Blue Belle is so freaking sad the Mommy has been in so much pain; she follows me everywhere just to make sure I am OK.  I love being able to ride with her on my bike.  She is so amazing and really makes a big difference in my life; well so does my honey as he takes such good care of me

I do hate not being able to move around  (the hard drugs make me feel catatonic sometimes and I hate that feeling but we only take those when it's absolutely necessary)  and with Cannabis; I can;

I can ride my bike, drink water, and eat food.   The whole digestion can be a problem/issue because I do crave just about anything after smoking some cannabis. It is working like a charm and the only thing that makes me feel like I am going to beat this monster.  I can't believe that some states would actually arrest a sick person who just wants to live like I do; I have the stupid ass will to live so therefore I would need to go to jail because somebody didn't like what it did to them and that means the rest of the world must suffer.  I wonder if that is really why cannabis is illegal in so many places?   I'm just so thankful that I am able to live in a wonderful State that allows me to be pain free without killing me because I just feel like them upping   my doses of Fentanol Patches and more Ativan and then more Dilaudid might be slowly killing me.  I    just don't want to die!  I just want to live and granted I am living but on those days where I decide that I need to take those other drugs; like this waking up with horrible bone pains (well thank God today I had the energy to get out of be before 10am and to get plenty of things done (clean the kitchen, feed the pets, clean out their water bowls and fresh water, take my antacid pill, and so much more!).  It's all about living and being in bed all day long isn't much living for me.  That's how I have spent some days; I get so tired from just one day before and the following day; I can't for the life of me get out of bed.

Anyway, that's my update for today and the past couple of days.  I will update everyone on the tumors that I have pictured above and the possibilities of being able to radiate the shit out them!  I do hope that I can beat this and it's easier said than done to not be scared; I'm trying with all my heart to be brave and to be as strong as I can each day.  Some days I am able to get out of bed and get things done and be normal; but many days it's really hard for me to get out of bed.  I get so fatigued after a day of having fun.   Hope you all are having lots of good days and never ever take that ability to be able to go to work for granted; some of us are unable to work and we wish so much that we could.  Enjoy every moment that you can with your family as well!  Peace and Love to all!

Selfport | The League of Music

Pain and Fear of Pill Killers.....

Here is an awesome photo I took of Blue Belle last night after her bike ride / run. She was pretty winded but oh how beautiful she is just sitting there. Some don't even have to try to be pretty at all!

I have to admit that I'm really, really scared of using painkillers when I am in pain. Every time that I take one, I always feel so guilty. I'm so scared shitless of becoming addicted and to have to depend on using them daily and in turn this really scares the living shit of out me. For one, I am always it seems in intense pain after taking a piss from the rod in my right ureter and my doctor has told me; make sure you take something for pain for that; so I do and it works but I still can't help feeling guilty taking them. I'm also getting severe abdominal cramping and exceptionally painful anal spasms as part of the side effects of this chemo. It's so not pleasant and I often think of shifting that pain on to someone else who really deserves it; like those rich overly insured politicians who are so against reforming the broken health care system so that they at least understand what it is like to be in such pain and suffering. Many just don't understand and it would be cool if they did.

Sometimes I have to take several painkillers each day in order to handle all the different pain issues that I have. You can just imagine the guilt that I have after doing all of that . I hope that I heal normally and it seems these painkillers will just make things worse for me because they are more chemicals being added to my body. What scares me most is are they chemicals that my cancer will like or chemicals that might be able to kill them? They make me so loopy and stupid sometimes too and I really hate that. Is it normal for me to have these feelings and to wish I could just take the pain and not take anything for it? I feel like such a wimp when I eventually succumb and have to take something for the pain.

At least with my pot, I can still keep my sanity and am able to talk about all kinds of interesting things. Oh the hilarious creative conversations I have had! It's almost like it expands my mind in some way; especially creatively. I appreciate music all the more and these last two days it has helped me drink more than I know I would have; I was so super thirsty after I smoked my little joint. Too bad its not strong enough for the severe pains that I get but I can mix it with any of the other drugs and not have to worry about over dosing. In fact I feel that in combination with the other drugs such a Percocet and Morphine (it helps get rid of that nasty taste in my mouth); it the right mixture of pain free.

They are working right now for the pain and I'm so glad that my intestines might soon be healing. Well, it was just a month ago that my intestines were not absorbing pain killers at all and I had to be hospitalized for that. On top of all of that, I had chemo on Sunday and I still don't have an appetite at all; I really want one so bad. I have just 9 more lbs to gain until we can think about removing the feeding apparatus (TPN). Yesterday I barely ate a banana and tried my very best to eat a Chicken Pot Pie for dinner.

I had to go to the drug store to get more gloves for my honey and they also had generic Pedialyte on sale so I got one just for chemo since I knew that I would be having trouble drinking and keeping myself well hydrated. Have been surviving on this all day today and just rolled myself a nice joint to enjoy tonight in hopes that it will finally make me hungry. Can you imagine not having the energy to even enjoy a good bong hit? That's the way it has been yesterday and even for part of today.

I slept for a good part of the day yesterday and even went to the pharmacy to try to pick up some medications. They didn't have the Zofran for my nausea; just some anti-diarrhea stuff. Miss Blue Belle went with me proudly in her pretty new vest and of course she brought all kinds of smiles with her as some of the patients got to love on her. I can't help but share her warmth and love. There was a really cool and sweet lady at the pharmacy who was waiting in line and she told me that I should not feel guilty for having to take medication for pain and to think of it as insulin. I can't do that still but she finally got off of obituates eventually after many years of having to take Vicodin, Percocets, and even morphine for her chronic pain. I hope to be there one day!

I did email my doctor because for one, they had forgotten that my CA125 needs to be monitored while I am on chemo; I mean how else are we going to know if the chemo is working? Well also about the Zofran too. I will definitely need it for these treatments and am scheduled to see him on the 4th. Well my CA125 will be scheduled every 3 weeks which will help. I am starting to doubt that I can do this chemo every single week. I'm kind of ready for a little break. My husband is worried about me and is afraid if the cancer doesn't kill me; the chemo will. He could be right but I still have an inner strength but those days after the chemo; I do wonder where it is.

Last night before my intravenous feeding hook up; I did take my beautiful cruiser out and around the block with Miss Blue Belle. This is working out so well because I don't have the energy to walk that far with out my intestines feeling like they are falling out of my body. What a shitty feeling that is; no pun intended but that's what eventually happens if I am on my feet too long. I hope the healing will happen soon. Well anyway this is crappy photo that I took while riding my bike (that was very dangerous for me to do), but I did it anyway. She's running along side me getting some great exercise.


I am thinking of going to Whole Foods today for some Aloe Vera juice so that maybe that can help heal my broken and twisted intestines. I do need a miracle. More updates to come!