Pain and Fear of Pill Killers.....

Here is an awesome photo I took of Blue Belle last night after her bike ride / run. She was pretty winded but oh how beautiful she is just sitting there. Some don't even have to try to be pretty at all!

I have to admit that I'm really, really scared of using painkillers when I am in pain. Every time that I take one, I always feel so guilty. I'm so scared shitless of becoming addicted and to have to depend on using them daily and in turn this really scares the living shit of out me. For one, I am always it seems in intense pain after taking a piss from the rod in my right ureter and my doctor has told me; make sure you take something for pain for that; so I do and it works but I still can't help feeling guilty taking them. I'm also getting severe abdominal cramping and exceptionally painful anal spasms as part of the side effects of this chemo. It's so not pleasant and I often think of shifting that pain on to someone else who really deserves it; like those rich overly insured politicians who are so against reforming the broken health care system so that they at least understand what it is like to be in such pain and suffering. Many just don't understand and it would be cool if they did.

Sometimes I have to take several painkillers each day in order to handle all the different pain issues that I have. You can just imagine the guilt that I have after doing all of that . I hope that I heal normally and it seems these painkillers will just make things worse for me because they are more chemicals being added to my body. What scares me most is are they chemicals that my cancer will like or chemicals that might be able to kill them? They make me so loopy and stupid sometimes too and I really hate that. Is it normal for me to have these feelings and to wish I could just take the pain and not take anything for it? I feel like such a wimp when I eventually succumb and have to take something for the pain.

At least with my pot, I can still keep my sanity and am able to talk about all kinds of interesting things. Oh the hilarious creative conversations I have had! It's almost like it expands my mind in some way; especially creatively. I appreciate music all the more and these last two days it has helped me drink more than I know I would have; I was so super thirsty after I smoked my little joint. Too bad its not strong enough for the severe pains that I get but I can mix it with any of the other drugs and not have to worry about over dosing. In fact I feel that in combination with the other drugs such a Percocet and Morphine (it helps get rid of that nasty taste in my mouth); it the right mixture of pain free.

They are working right now for the pain and I'm so glad that my intestines might soon be healing. Well, it was just a month ago that my intestines were not absorbing pain killers at all and I had to be hospitalized for that. On top of all of that, I had chemo on Sunday and I still don't have an appetite at all; I really want one so bad. I have just 9 more lbs to gain until we can think about removing the feeding apparatus (TPN). Yesterday I barely ate a banana and tried my very best to eat a Chicken Pot Pie for dinner.

I had to go to the drug store to get more gloves for my honey and they also had generic Pedialyte on sale so I got one just for chemo since I knew that I would be having trouble drinking and keeping myself well hydrated. Have been surviving on this all day today and just rolled myself a nice joint to enjoy tonight in hopes that it will finally make me hungry. Can you imagine not having the energy to even enjoy a good bong hit? That's the way it has been yesterday and even for part of today.

I slept for a good part of the day yesterday and even went to the pharmacy to try to pick up some medications. They didn't have the Zofran for my nausea; just some anti-diarrhea stuff. Miss Blue Belle went with me proudly in her pretty new vest and of course she brought all kinds of smiles with her as some of the patients got to love on her. I can't help but share her warmth and love. There was a really cool and sweet lady at the pharmacy who was waiting in line and she told me that I should not feel guilty for having to take medication for pain and to think of it as insulin. I can't do that still but she finally got off of obituates eventually after many years of having to take Vicodin, Percocets, and even morphine for her chronic pain. I hope to be there one day!

I did email my doctor because for one, they had forgotten that my CA125 needs to be monitored while I am on chemo; I mean how else are we going to know if the chemo is working? Well also about the Zofran too. I will definitely need it for these treatments and am scheduled to see him on the 4th. Well my CA125 will be scheduled every 3 weeks which will help. I am starting to doubt that I can do this chemo every single week. I'm kind of ready for a little break. My husband is worried about me and is afraid if the cancer doesn't kill me; the chemo will. He could be right but I still have an inner strength but those days after the chemo; I do wonder where it is.

Last night before my intravenous feeding hook up; I did take my beautiful cruiser out and around the block with Miss Blue Belle. This is working out so well because I don't have the energy to walk that far with out my intestines feeling like they are falling out of my body. What a shitty feeling that is; no pun intended but that's what eventually happens if I am on my feet too long. I hope the healing will happen soon. Well anyway this is crappy photo that I took while riding my bike (that was very dangerous for me to do), but I did it anyway. She's running along side me getting some great exercise.


I am thinking of going to Whole Foods today for some Aloe Vera juice so that maybe that can help heal my broken and twisted intestines. I do need a miracle. More updates to come!

Happy 39th to me....

Well President Obama did tell me that I can celebrate my birthday all week long (he said we would be celebrating Flag Day all week)! I love my President! Well my birthday is on Flag Day and what a great birthday it was for me! I couldn't believe all the wonderful friends who wished me Happy Birthday on Facebook, then those who took the time to email me, the phone calls from all over, and of course all the friends who stopped by!) Thank you all!

I did get to have that Pizza Party that I dreamed of having all thanks to my good friend Nikki!)

Now the day did not start off quite so easy because I did suffer in intense pain several times in the beginning of the day, but I did manage the pain quite well with minimal medications (Vicodin and Ativan) and even used some pot the rest of day to manage the nausea and it did indeed kept me munching through out the day (in hopes that I am gaining some weight). (that's why we didn't get to the Farmer's Market till later) During the morning and then later in the evening the muscle spasms were pretty intense. My trusty vaporizer helped me so much in controlling the violent spasms (primarily the ones where vomiting was involved).

I started my day rather late, my brother and I didn't make it to the Farmer's Market until shortly before 1pm. We grabbed some fresh garlic, basil, bell peppers (red & green), red onions and what ever we could get then Nikki got all the rest. She got several choices of crusts, (regular cheese crusts, pita bread, Naan bread, tortilla, and plain crusts) cheeses (mozzarella, parmesan, ,& asiago) spaghetti sauce, garlic sauce, mushrooms, and tomatoes. She had stopped by an awesome store (Lunardi's) close by to her house near the Peninsula. She even picked up a beautiful decorated Carrot Cake (my favorite) birthday cake.

Here we are cutting up all the toppings and getting everything ready for the pizza party to start!

The adults who were well aware and wanted to got to use my very special secret sauce that I had made 2 weeks ago (with cannabis). Me and Nikki cut up all of the toppings and then placed them in different cups for all to choose from when making their own personal pizza. It was a blast to do!

After I had my pizza it was at least several hours that I did not have pains (it could have been because of ingesting the cannabis?) but I did get to spend some good quality time with friends and family while everyone just loved the pizza party idea!)

For those Adults who tried pizza with my special secret sauce, it was very, very mild but mostly just gave a small body rush of feel good energy. (very, very weak). Yes, we are in California and cannabis is not at all a dangerous plant for those who use it recreationally as consenting adults. So yes, there was plenty of laughter at my party!)

It was such peaceful, relaxing, and most of all wonderful party!) Now it wasn't a loud party like most, just very peaceful and the house was full of love. We even played some of my old lady music!) I usually don't have parties for my birthday and this was my first ever real birthday party! Can you believe that? OK many in the past but not like this.

My next door neighbors even stopped by for a few just to check out our new floor. The party was a blast. I had no physical pain for at least 6 hours!) during the party. I know it had to be my secret sauce because my intestines had calmed down completely (it was like they were stoned!). I got to move around and even go down to the hot tub to soak my feet with my friend and her son. Oh how I was thinking "GOD, please let me be able to soak in the hot tub again!" I really do hope that I can get rid of this nephostomy bag! I didn't mention the burning and itching on my back from the tube going right to my kidney? Well yes, this is also happening as I'm having fun too!) It's not so bad, but it would be great to be able to soak in that tub or swim in that pool! We are just changing the dressing on my back practically daily since the dressing from Thursday's changing came off on Friday, my tube has been exposed so it burns and it's leaking a little.

The spasms (anal and stomach?) did return shortly after midnight (vomiting and some diarrhea) and I was able to deal with them. I got through it!) Now they sounded a little scary to my brother but my honey had it covered. He got all that I needed to deal with them (painful spasms) including a glass of water to go with my anti anxiety drug (Klonopin). I actually remembered to take a Klonopin (well technically it was the spasm that helped me remember) and I was able to go right to sleep. My honey had run downstairs to go grab it and yes, he asked me "what can I get you honey?" !)

Now on for more adventures with my brother and father and my husband! We are getting the right equipment to groom my lovely girl so expect some pretty show dog photos in my upcoming posts!)