WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I wish my cancer could be cured....

 Well originally I had my blog entry entitled Self Port, but it didn't make much sense since most of what I will be blogging about is about wanting and wishing for this cancer to go, far far away from body.  At least you can click on the link in order to hear my friend's very funky, cool beat, and inspirational music.   I am doing what ever I can to help out my friend in promoting his wonderful, inspiring music for his band "Red House".   He might change the name and I promise to update it soon or when ever that happens.  Forgive me for my untech-savy-ness but I did include the link to his music in the title link if you care to listen.   He is one of those true friends that will pick you back up when you have fallen.  I just clicked the link last night and my was it groovey for me.  I just lost myself in space to the melodies; great music just has a way of doing that to me.

It kind of reminds me of a friend of mine who was studying and researching the effects of sound therapy.  I had met a very cool chick a few years who lives in Half Moon Bay;  anyway she got heavily into sound therapy and wanted so bad to practice on me.  I too wanted her to be able to study it on me as well because what if it cured my cancer?   I couldn't make it out there so much because I had been working quite a bit at the time and did not even have the time; well now I do but we just can't go far on trips because my poor bowels that are so unpredictable these days.

Here's Tonto; he always talks to me like this every morning and I actually caught this footage on Wednesday then lost the file.  I could not for the life of me find the video.  I thought I would have to copy it all over again; anyway I thought this might make a few of you laugh or smile so here is Tonto!

Well to be quite honest I have been having this horrible, horrible bone pain ( yes, I got some tumors that are growing on my side right here)  This is on the side of my right rib cage and I will be meeting with a specialist on Thursday to see about radiation therapy to get rid of these tumors.  The bone pain here is tremendous but nothing a little Cannabis can't take care of.  To me, it looks as if I am getting an Angel Wing instead of a tumor (yes I tend to look at the bright side of things in as many ways as I can); then there are 2 little poke' dots.  Can you imagine having this on yourself?  You had better bet that I am entitled to my medicine which currently is the only thing that is working on this fucking bone pain.  Yes, the pain does warrant for some non ladylike language.  I'm a lady to no one but my honey; to everyone else; I'm a spayed female.  That's how I feel about the whole thing now!  When boy dogs try to chase Miss Blue Belle; there is no flirting what so ever; she only flirts with other people; not with Dogs or even cats. OK enough; things have a way of getting better.

It does sort of look like an Angel Wing is just sprouting up out of my back kinda sorta? Or am I just being too optimistic on this one?   It was hard to photograph these tumors and I had to do so while looking in the mirror.   It's so great that I don't feel as groggy or as drugged up as I had been lately with  having to utilize the Dilaudid and Percocets.  Yes, pain has been hitting the 8 range; not double digits just yet but I can't honestly let it get that way; I'm not allowed too; doctor's orders.  It's not good for me to be in such great pain and not do anything about it.    I hate having to take and depend on these medications in order to live; but I do love life so much that I have to do what I have to do to survive.  It's not good for the body to suffer like that and I keep that in mind when I start having those stubborn days where I don't wish to take anything for pain.

I definitely don't live to take them and if I didn't have to take them; I would be quite happy.  I hate them so much for what they do to other people's lives for those who live to take those drugs.  I would never kill anyone or hurt anyone in order to get these medications; I think I would just die of my disease instead.   Because I have a life threatening illness and possible death sentence; I'm entitled to what ever makes me comfortable to live.  (feeling dizzy, groggy and sleepy)  I hope this paragraph made some sense to some of you.  I have been watching a lot of TV lately and it seems there are lots of addicts out there killing innocent people like myself and others in order to get their  next fix.  Lives don't mean a thing to them and something needs to be fixed.  Things have gotten worse and to prosecute someone who is sick for taking cannabis or even just relaxing in their own home utilizing it to relax and wind down after a stressful day makes no sense at all.   Cannabis really needs to be legalized.   Let's prosecute those who actually cause harm to others and society.    Don't Prosecute those who live by the Golden Rule!  How dumb is it to fill up our prisons with those who don't cause society any harm what so ever?  I feel it is a waste of our tax dollars.  I do feel we should prosecute greedy bastards who cause financial harm and stealing from others.  You just don't take what isn't yours.

Blue Belle is so freaking sad the Mommy has been in so much pain; she follows me everywhere just to make sure I am OK.  I love being able to ride with her on my bike.  She is so amazing and really makes a big difference in my life; well so does my honey as he takes such good care of me
I do hate not being able to move around  (the hard drugs make me feel catatonic sometimes and I hate that feeling but we only take those when it's absolutely necessary)  and with Cannabis; I can;
I can ride my bike, drink water, and eat food.   The whole digestion can be a problem/issue because I do crave just about anything after smoking some cannabis. It is working like a charm and the only thing that makes me feel like I am going to beat this monster.  I can't believe that some states would actually arrest a sick person who just wants to live like I do; I have the stupid ass will to live so therefore I would need to go to jail because somebody didn't like what it did to them and that means the rest of the world must suffer.  I wonder if that is really why cannabis is illegal in so many places?   I'm just so thankful that I am able to live in a wonderful State that allows me to be pain free without killing me because I just feel like them upping   my doses of Fentanol Patches and more Ativan and then more Dilaudid might be slowly killing me.  I    just don't want to die!  I just want to live and granted I am living but on those days where I decide that I need to take those other drugs; like this waking up with horrible bone pains (well thank God today I had the energy to get out of be before 10am and to get plenty of things done (clean the kitchen, feed the pets, clean out their water bowls and fresh water, take my antacid pill, and so much more!).  It's all about living and being in bed all day long isn't much living for me.  That's how I have spent some days; I get so tired from just one day before and the following day; I can't for the life of me get out of bed.

Anyway, that's my update for today and the past couple of days.  I will update everyone on the tumors that I have pictured above and the possibilities of being able to radiate the shit out them!  I do hope that I can beat this and it's easier said than done to not be scared; I'm trying with all my heart to be brave and to be as strong as I can each day.  Some days I am able to get out of bed and get things done and be normal; but many days it's really hard for me to get out of bed.  I get so fatigued after a day of having fun.   Hope you all are having lots of good days and never ever take that ability to be able to go to work for granted; some of us are unable to work and we wish so much that we could.  Enjoy every moment that you can with your family as well!  Peace and Love to all!

Selfport | The League of Music

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l'optimiste said...

Love these videos! And hate those tumours...go for it babe, radiate the shit out them! And stop worrying about the pain killers if you can - they are a tool, and anything that helps you beat this is worth having.

stipeygirl75 said...

Tonto sure is a sweetie. I enjoyed hearing him "talk." I talk like this to my pets all the time. Even my frogs who just sit there and stare at me - LOL. I'm glad you are able to get out there and have fun. I have fibromyalgia so I understand the recuperation time after the fun. But the fun needs to be had regardless ;) We are all rooting for you.

Anonymous said...

I hear you about the pain meds - I had a real heart to heart with my family doc about taking them. I'm conflicted because I feel like an addict for how many I have to take to remian comfortable! It's sad...but, as he put it to me, at this point, if I end up addicted to pain meds, is that really the worst thing that could happen? If that's what get's me through the day, then I shouldn't feel guilty about it - and neither should YOU! I still haven't the gut's though to ask for medicinal pot - my family is all over me about that one! I think they want it more than I do ;)
Stay strong and keep up the fight...
Becky xx

Anonymous said...

Wow love the video of Tonto. My cats love to talk too. Get the radiation and shrink those tumors so you can be comfortable. They cannot be angel wings yet. You made me think of Jimmy Hendricks song "Angel" one of my favorites. Enjoy everyday.

Mary ;)

Anonymous said...

Jimi Hendrix "Angel" enjoy.


CerebralGrl said...

Cancer cannot survive in an efficient body and an oxygen enriched environment. When you eat food, your body undergoes thousands of chemical reactions transforming fats, sugars, and proteins into energy for your body to utilize (Cellular Metabolism). It does this with enzymes: the catalyst for each molecular reaction. When you eat a raw fruit (this means food that is not cooked which denatured those precious enzymes and kills those nutrients your body needs to become efficient)the enzymes are intact. When you heat it up (pasteurization/ irradiation)you kill those enzymes. You are inherently making your body less efficient, in which cancer can thrive. Stop, look, and listen: go into your pantry or refrigerator right now and read a label on a prepackaged product. Does it read made with soy, canola, hydrogenated oil, invert sugar, aspartame, artificial or natural flavor? You do know these items are detrimental to human health. You also know that only three companies own roughly 90% off all packaged foods in the US, right? Raw fruits, nuts, legumes, vegetables, seeds, grains, and herbs create an environment that cancer hates. This concept is so simple, so easy, the billion dollar pharm corp giants DO NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW, because remember this harsh truth in business: The sole purpose of a corporation is to increase the value on its stocks, not the well being of it's customers. If you don't have cancer, they don't make money. Please also note that Dr. Gerson's food curing methods have been around for almost a century. Never heard of Dr. Gerson? Norman Walker? It's because big pharma is doing anything it their power to monopolize on your health. If they have that, they will forever be powerful. GO RAW!

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
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