Radiation for Paliative Care?

Ok that is a very funny face I am making but I just don't know what to think of marking my body like this or in this manner.   I just had my second dose of radiation today out of 10 doses and it isn't just to get rid of the cancer; it is to make me more comfortable than having these ribs becoming stretched out and then eventually breaking.  It does cause me a great deal of pain but you know I'm kinda used to dealing with lots of pain each day just living.  

I'm OK with all of it because I did find and marry my soul mate which I had always dreamed of doing.  I was so afraid I would never find my true soul mate (especially when those late twenties were coming to a close (I had just turned 28 when I found him or when we found each other).  He takes such good care of me each and every day and I never ever take that granted.  You all must be sick and tired of me writing about this but I don't care; I am grateful to have him in my life each and every day.   He is why I wish to survive all of this every day.  Yes, we have our little fights but we always know in our hearts that we love each other more than life and it's always so easy for us to make up each and every time. 

Everyday that he flushes my pic lines, flushes my gastric tube (each of these things he does twice daily) and sometimes I  flush them (only in the morning); but he would rather do them but I try my best to just make it easy on him and give him a break some days.   I try so hard to make him breakfast, lunch, or dinner each day; some of those meals he does have to eat out if I am too tired to get up and make them.  I at least try to keep some snacks around for him.  It's the little things that I try to do for him in return for saving my life each day. 

He does have to hook me up to the lactated ringer each and every evening.  I think because of all this bull shit we have to go through just to keep me alive; has caused us to never take each other for granted.  Everyday is a miracle because back in September; my doctor did tell me that I had 6 more months to live.  If he were right; I would be dead around next month which I don't believe is going to happen.   I still look great and sometimes feel great but I am still holding onto hope that my intestines will eventually heal themselves even though they have been poked, prodded, taken out and put back in, inspected one section at a time (for holes), cut, stitched, etc, six times; can you believe that 6 times I have been cut open and my poor little intestines had to suffer each and everyone of those times.

OK gotta tell you about the whole radiation experience; yesterday was my very first day.  I had to first meet with the nurse and then the doctor who each told me a little bit about what to expect. Well the nurse had to take my vitals, get my weight and then the doctor came in to answer any questions that I may have and to tell me about the x-ray process.  Then the nurse came back in and she took me to a room where I was to get undressed from the waste up; the dressing room was equipped with those lousy one size doesn't fit all hospital gowns and a locker to stow away your belongings.  I sat in this little waiting room for a little while talking with several really nice ladies; the mens dressing room was right across from us.   

I must have been the only person with hair that was getting treated; actually there was one other woman who came in with a wheel chair and she didn't have much hair; but she was so beautiful anyway with her positive attitude;  she was more beautiful than any of the stars walking the red carpet at the Oscars.   I saw on E how they just judged what people were wearing and it was just so superficial.   I can't believe that what people are wearing is much more important than lives that are currently being lost to cancer or all those lives in Haiti.  Poor women having to constantly be on the lookout because of men easily being able to control and manipulate them into being raped.   I kind of laugh at this station because nothing is important on the show and it's all about looks and wealth; nothing more and definitely nothing less!  At least MTV is doing a show on things that are really happening; one of their editors wrote me to find out about me being on the show for one of my upcoming surgeries and of course their filming schedule didn't work with my spontaneous system; my surgeries always have to be emergency.  Cable TV!  When you are sick and tired; sometimes its nice to just relax on the couch but the quality of television just sucks and it seems that you should be paid to watch all those dam commercials!

I bet those judgmental attitudes would change if they were to once walk into this facility that I was currently in or go visit those in third world countries.   I don't usually like to watch E all that much because it is very superficial television.  They even have a show about plastic surgery?  Well anyway, this little old lady (well actually she was kind of big lady in a wheel chair) had just that little bit of hair  and what little bit she did have (bless her heart); she had a beautiful teal bow tying it all on top of her head and it  really looked good, with her perfectly plucked eyebrows and amazing red lipstick.  I also feel the same; I don't want to look sick or to have anyone feel sorry for little old me; I wish to help others to open their eyes to their own lives.   I could see in her eyes how her soul just glowed from within her eyes.  I could just tell in the few minutes of just talking to her that she was one amazing woman!  She was a riot and I was sad to see her go when it was her turn to go get radiated!  That sounds so funny; then I had to go get radiated.

Anyway, I was led to the "Summer Room" (evidently each of the radiation rooms have names for the seasons?) I will figure it all out later.  I was instructed to lie down on this long thin metal contraption where they made this little plastic thingy to hold my head in place and then 2 black posts over my head to keep or secure my arms over my head.  It took me a while to get positioned just right and these two really nice young men had to pull up my gown; I know that my teats (not quite tits) were exposed but I didn't care since they are all so dried up anyway; kinda like old prunes.   The doctor entered the room  and drew on me with some Sharpies and then did some little tiny dots with this huge intimidating needle (I could not even watch what he was doing).  He told me that this is how Prison Tattoos are given?  All this securing and adjusting and finally it was time to get me up there and start X-raying and then radiating.  OK, did I explain this was yesterday and it just happened to be the day that I was to have my Fentanol Patches changed and of course the table I was secure and not to move; the table was already close to 6 -10 ft in the air or at least it seemed that way; I stared getting singes of pain going through my abdomen and then my back; I started convulsing, crying, and basically just freaking out; I was in a tremendous amount of pain; up to a 9.5.  It was horrible and they feared that I would fall off of this contraption so they lowered me and then the doctor approved that I get a shot of Dilaudid which helped after after about 5 minutes.  I was so apologetic and embarrassed over all that had happened.  They were so nice and accommodating for me at this Cancer Center; everyone was really nice.   When I was all done; I came outside and my honey was walking towards me with some beautiful flowers he had bought at the Farmer's Market that was being held at the hospital that day.   How I love him so!

My it was hard to wake up at 7:30am; haven't done this in so long.  My honey is getting ready to go back to work as I try to convince him that I promise not to be really ambitious as usual and get myself in trouble by doing way too much.  and it wasn't as bad as the first time.  I must have been there 15 minutes and we were done.  There was no waiting at all; undress, talk to a few nice ladies and then walked to the thin table and then "hold on" (black sticks above my head) and then we were done.

I don't feel that human lives should have any sort of price tag and that's how I am feeling about my life.  I'm starting to think that we do and that's why it seems that my health care plan has seemed to given up on me and we just doing what it takes for me to feel comfortable as I die.  Well I'm getting that out of my head right now as my doctor sees it.  OK I can't take any more treatments because at this point of the game; I am considered terminal? what ever that means. OK, seriously I do know what it means I just refuse to accept it.  I'm not some place at the airport and I certainly am not good at math to be some sort of adding machine.  I'm still going to try my best to get rid of this cancer or find someone else who can for a good price.  Maybe I can just be a guinea pig; we can find a cure just from me using my body for science (only natural cures will suffice; no more chemicals because I already see what that does to me).  It doesn't make me feel a whole lot comfortable when I see people suit up to put something inside my veins.     It's just a little trippy for me sometimes; and now I do know that I am tough as nails that I can put up with that. I'm still alive and up and walking around, shitting many times a day and eating (as long as I smoke some cannabis; otherwise I forget to eat and drink).  I do have to drink plenty of water while doing radiation so it is vital that I utilize my cannabis.  It is the only thing that can make me thirsty enough to drink plenty of fluids. 

We are getting some more rain as I get depressed some more thinking about the nice fresh powder I will be missing in the north and south Tahoe region.  Well at least my pets are always entertaining me.  Tonto had one of his dad's rubber bands; running around with it in his mouth and he even brought it up to me on the bed; I tossed that rubber band across the room and down the stairs as he galloped away to go find it.  He did find it and brought it back to me so we had a little game of fetch to do.  Hope you all have a wonderful weekend and my apologies for getting so political over Healthcare and Corporations. 

Well I am also bummed about the recent death of Corey Haim.  I could tell something like this was going to happen to him sooner or later.  I saw a few episodes of the two Coreys and could see the depression all over him.  It was so obvious.  He was super sensitive and he needed some professional help.  Its so sad how some child actors really need a skin of steel to be able to handle so much rejection and I could tell that the Corey Haim was getting tons of it.  I don't even think they wanted him in the new Lost Boys movie at all.  It sucked anyway not having him in it.  That last movie was absolutely horrid compared to the first one.  I don't even think that the Twilight Series has anything on the real "Lost Boys".  Well back to the their reality show;  Corey Feldman seemed to wipe his success all over the other Corey's face; kind of just rubbing it in  (he lived in a huge house with a gorgeous wife) face and I thought that was rather cold of him to do.  I would never do that to a friend.   I know he is bummed about his friend's death but with his success he could have helped him out a little more; not just letting him live there and then giving him grief?  I saw him crying and it kind of broke my heart because I could sense his hurt was so deep.  It just seemed obvious that Corey Haim needed some professional help in a big way and it's sad that this has happened.  To me it seems like suicide.  I miss you Corey! I still thought you had some talent; he sure was a cute little boy in Murphey's Romance and I absolutely loved Lucas!

OK enough of what's going on in the real world and it's obvious that I can't watch the news so  I will go for now; Peace and Love to all!