A second opinion and a dose of reality....

I got my second opinion and while normally someone in my shape would not have lived this long or even tried to survive much longer; I have fared well in this battle; much better than most; 7 years is a good battle and I am just asking for 2 more or 3 more years if at all possible. I'm going to fight like hell the entire time in order to stay alive and try to be as healthy as possible for my honey. I liked this doctor and she was honest with me in telling me that she will not give me chemotherapy for my own mind's sake or psychologically to make me think that it's going to prolong my life when in reality it is killing up my good cells. We are going to try Carboplatin every 3 weeks possibly; I may need more time to heal before starting more chemo. She would like me to start as soon as next week but I'm not so sure I'm ready to start more chemo just yet. I feel my body still needs to heal.

I asked her if I could get 2 - 3 more years but she just told me that I have survived quite longer than most or even expected with what I have gone through (in other words I should be happy and grateful that I am alive right now). For right now, I just need to live in the right now moment and not be so concerned with the future or that far ahead. She doesn't know but I feel it in my heart that I may just survive that long (maybe even longer?); I'm going to at least try to. It's not long but hopefully I can survive much longer than that.

We never know how much time we have left in this world and you really do have to make the most of every moment that you can; even though many of my moments are spent on the couch sleeping and relaxing; I still enjoy them in my own home. I did tell her that I have been having more than the usual anxiety attacks of crying from being scared of only having 6 months to live. It was such a surreal and scary experience for me to have to go through with my own doctor. I almost feel like he said some things to me that were not at all necessary and to scare me. Is he just giving up hope on me or what?

Some of the things he had said to me still haunts me; like once we decide on hospice care; if I get a block; I can't go into the emergency room but according to Kaiser's website I could? It's kind of conflicting. He even mentioned that if I came in I could at any moment stop breathing and they would have to shove these tubes down my throat. I don't like getting scared like that from my own doctor. I couldn't believe my ears and I still can't. I just can't accept what he had told me just a few weeks ago. I'm still in shock and my honey feels he needs to be here with me and to enjoy every waking moment with me and not be at work worrying about me. He can't even concentrate because the love of his life may not be alive next year. God I hope I am but we are just preparing.

I'm so happy that my honey is going to take off 6 months from work just to be with me and to take care of me. We are going to try to make it out to Yosemite in the coming weeks for just a nice romantic get away; just the 3 of us. I can just imagine how nice that will be; utilizing a fire place in the woods; hiking in the Sequoia National Forest, El Capitan, and that little village near El Capitan, Bridalveil Fall, and so much more! We really need a little vacation away from everything; doctor's office's, hospital, just this whole town of San Jose.

Tonto will have to be on Autofeeder for a few days. He hates that thing when I get it out because he knows that he will by himself for at least a couple of days. I may just ask one of the neighbors if they would like to have him for a few days. I don't know of any that don't love him for his goofy self. He is a highly unusual kitty cat. (he just got a bath on Sunday & feels pretty now)

Either way, we just need a get away to relax and enjoy each others company. We need some good alone time together. I'm so glad we have been getting along so good lately and hope we can continue that. Yes, like normal couples we fight sometimes but only because we care and love each other so much. I'm always thankful for days like these and I have been feeling good enough to eat somewhat normally; getting diarrhea like crazy (that kinda sucks but at least I'm going), got the pain under control and just enjoying every day I am given. Here's to fighting this disease for many more years; I sure hope too; I hope and pray for a cure soon!