WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Maybe blocked again and more pain...

Last night was my first night to sleep in my own bed and I thought for sure that I would sleep like a baby. I didn't fart at all the day or even throughout the evening or even the day that I left the hospital and I was starting to feel the pain of what could be a small abdominal blockage with pain that tipped the scale of 10 (on a scale of 1-10) with sharp, singes just going through my heart, my stomach and even my lower abdomen all through out the evening.

I really thought I was going to die and I kept contemplating; should we go to the emergency room? My honey was totally on my side and trying to comfort me in any way that he could. We both didn't want to go back but I had a feeling that it might have been from me coming off the pain pump; stronger intravenous medicine versus pills (which perhaps my intestines were not quite absorbing them). They were indeed not strong enough for amount of pain that I was in.

When ever I would try to lie down in bed to try to sleep the pressure in my abdomen would make it difficult to breathe and it felt as if I had rolling pain pain singes that kept getting worse as the night progressed. I kept having to get up to go to the bathroom many times through out the night to go pee and each time I was proud of myself that each time I remembered to pick up my heavy backpack of food instead of getting hung up and pulling IV cords.

We got into a very strict schedule of doubling up on the Percocets and then I would take an Ativan in order to be ahead of these violent outbursts of pain.

I really hated that I was keeping my husband up at night too but he was right there by my side no matter what; not even irritated at me for keeping him up. I cried and cried and worried about the outcome of all of this; will I survive this? I sure hope so and will try my very best to beat this. I feel that light inside me called a will and so much to live for; I am going to be as strong as I can and if I have to yell and scream from the extreme pain; then so be it. It helped relieve the stress of the pain in my abdomen.

In all, Wednesday night was just a long night of waking up throughout the night and each time having to walk around carrying my heavy backpack of food all night long. I'm in a constant confusion state of when I am hooked up to an IV and when I am not. At least I have the brains to check before getting up each time whether I am hooked up or not. LOL

The next morning my husband decided to call in sick in order to take care of me. We did a couple of Dilaudid and an Ativan that knocked me on my ass until noon which was nice. I needed to be knocked out from this horrible pain. My husband has been so totally stessed from my pains and I feel like total shit for stressing him out; sometimes I feel like he deserves so much better than this but he always insists that we will walk hand in hand through this together and no other way. He is in love with me no matter what; it's just a very stressful time right now of worrying whether I will survive in the coming days.

At noon, it was finally time for me to be unhooked from the heavy backpack of my TPN. The freedom of not being hooked up rocks and it may only be 6 hours of freedom; but that's only 6 hours of being able to walk around without having to carry a heavy backpack or a try to make the most of an IV line; sometimes I have to plug myself back into the pump when the TPN is on but during those 6 hours of freedom = no IVs!).

My very first day at home has not been easy and while I did take a suppository; it didn't totally help with this block; I mostly had to cut out food; yesterday I had eaten a small amount of Chicken Soup with rice, a few pretzels and a cut up apple with out the skins; today only 1 Yoplait yogurt and 0 appetite. I have been having hot flashes all throughout the day; I know it's from the TPN pump. At least with out my appetite I am at least getting some nutrition. It's scary that surviving this can be so hard. I wish I could eat and not have to worry about how everything can get through my system.

I just knew that I was facing going back into the hospital and hoping and praying that I could tough out this pain and hopefully be able to improve and stay home. I stayed drugged up for most of the day and mostly just watched trashed TV in drugged state; it was either that or doubled up in severe pain. I did get to go on a walk outside with Blue Belle trying to get some air out of my intestines and hopefully getting things woken up and working again. I walked up the block to mail some letters and cards, then walked around the pool area, got to hang with my neighbor's daughter for just a few minutes; then the pain started to get rough and I headed back home for more pills.
When I got home and doubled up some more on Percocets and a few hours later; still not working so I took some more Dilaudid and it kind of worked and I mostly stayed on the couch mostly feeling doped up until 9pm.

My sincere apologies for posting this painful looking photograph but it really is the realities of what I am going through. You can just see the pain in my face as I am crying. At this point, I really had no idea what was even going on inside my body and why I am hurting so much. My husband was out enjoying a beer with some friends when I called him and told him that we need to dial 911. I knew in my heart something was indeed wrong.

He got home and did the usual drill of locking out the animals so that they wouldn't try to follow me or exscape. I was so incredibly miserable from the pain, crying and screaming (they were even able to insert an IV and give me a shot of morphine which helped tremendously) once I got inside the hospital I was ignored much of the time. I was that crazy screaming woman that annoyed everyone within 20-25 ft? I don't know how far my voice was traveling but I couldn't help it. As far as they were concerned; I was belonging to a psychotic hospital unit and just needed a padded cell all to myself. I was so miserable in pain. I was next to another woman who was taking my screaming quite well. I tried not to scream but the pain level was too much to even handle. I honestly thought that my intestine was going to burst and the pain would just come in waves. I had to get ahead on pain medication before I was even comfortable.

My husband was totally pissed that I was let out of the hospital not able to poo or fart and I felt it was partly my fault for wanting to go home so bad. We had our warning signs when I was just walking out of the hospital and then the excrutiating pain that I had been experiencing.

To Be Continued.....

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
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