Maybe blocked again and more pain...

Last night was my first night to sleep in my own bed and I thought for sure that I would sleep like a baby. I didn't fart at all the day or even throughout the evening or even the day that I left the hospital and I was starting to feel the pain of what could be a small abdominal blockage with pain that tipped the scale of 10 (on a scale of 1-10) with sharp, singes just going through my heart, my stomach and even my lower abdomen all through out the evening.

I really thought I was going to die and I kept contemplating; should we go to the emergency room? My honey was totally on my side and trying to comfort me in any way that he could. We both didn't want to go back but I had a feeling that it might have been from me coming off the pain pump; stronger intravenous medicine versus pills (which perhaps my intestines were not quite absorbing them). They were indeed not strong enough for amount of pain that I was in.

When ever I would try to lie down in bed to try to sleep the pressure in my abdomen would make it difficult to breathe and it felt as if I had rolling pain pain singes that kept getting worse as the night progressed. I kept having to get up to go to the bathroom many times through out the night to go pee and each time I was proud of myself that each time I remembered to pick up my heavy backpack of food instead of getting hung up and pulling IV cords.

We got into a very strict schedule of doubling up on the Percocets and then I would take an Ativan in order to be ahead of these violent outbursts of pain.

I really hated that I was keeping my husband up at night too but he was right there by my side no matter what; not even irritated at me for keeping him up. I cried and cried and worried about the outcome of all of this; will I survive this? I sure hope so and will try my very best to beat this. I feel that light inside me called a will and so much to live for; I am going to be as strong as I can and if I have to yell and scream from the extreme pain; then so be it. It helped relieve the stress of the pain in my abdomen.

In all, Wednesday night was just a long night of waking up throughout the night and each time having to walk around carrying my heavy backpack of food all night long. I'm in a constant confusion state of when I am hooked up to an IV and when I am not. At least I have the brains to check before getting up each time whether I am hooked up or not. LOL

The next morning my husband decided to call in sick in order to take care of me. We did a couple of Dilaudid and an Ativan that knocked me on my ass until noon which was nice. I needed to be knocked out from this horrible pain. My husband has been so totally stessed from my pains and I feel like total shit for stressing him out; sometimes I feel like he deserves so much better than this but he always insists that we will walk hand in hand through this together and no other way. He is in love with me no matter what; it's just a very stressful time right now of worrying whether I will survive in the coming days.

At noon, it was finally time for me to be unhooked from the heavy backpack of my TPN. The freedom of not being hooked up rocks and it may only be 6 hours of freedom; but that's only 6 hours of being able to walk around without having to carry a heavy backpack or a try to make the most of an IV line; sometimes I have to plug myself back into the pump when the TPN is on but during those 6 hours of freedom = no IVs!).

My very first day at home has not been easy and while I did take a suppository; it didn't totally help with this block; I mostly had to cut out food; yesterday I had eaten a small amount of Chicken Soup with rice, a few pretzels and a cut up apple with out the skins; today only 1 Yoplait yogurt and 0 appetite. I have been having hot flashes all throughout the day; I know it's from the TPN pump. At least with out my appetite I am at least getting some nutrition. It's scary that surviving this can be so hard. I wish I could eat and not have to worry about how everything can get through my system.

I just knew that I was facing going back into the hospital and hoping and praying that I could tough out this pain and hopefully be able to improve and stay home. I stayed drugged up for most of the day and mostly just watched trashed TV in drugged state; it was either that or doubled up in severe pain. I did get to go on a walk outside with Blue Belle trying to get some air out of my intestines and hopefully getting things woken up and working again. I walked up the block to mail some letters and cards, then walked around the pool area, got to hang with my neighbor's daughter for just a few minutes; then the pain started to get rough and I headed back home for more pills.

When I got home and doubled up some more on Percocets and a few hours later; still not working so I took some more Dilaudid and it kind of worked and I mostly stayed on the couch mostly feeling doped up until 9pm.

My sincere apologies for posting this painful looking photograph but it really is the realities of what I am going through. You can just see the pain in my face as I am crying. At this point, I really had no idea what was even going on inside my body and why I am hurting so much. My husband was out enjoying a beer with some friends when I called him and told him that we need to dial 911. I knew in my heart something was indeed wrong.

He got home and did the usual drill of locking out the animals so that they wouldn't try to follow me or exscape. I was so incredibly miserable from the pain, crying and screaming (they were even able to insert an IV and give me a shot of morphine which helped tremendously) once I got inside the hospital I was ignored much of the time. I was that crazy screaming woman that annoyed everyone within 20-25 ft? I don't know how far my voice was traveling but I couldn't help it. As far as they were concerned; I was belonging to a psychotic hospital unit and just needed a padded cell all to myself. I was so miserable in pain. I was next to another woman who was taking my screaming quite well. I tried not to scream but the pain level was too much to even handle. I honestly thought that my intestine was going to burst and the pain would just come in waves. I had to get ahead on pain medication before I was even comfortable.

My husband was totally pissed that I was let out of the hospital not able to poo or fart and I felt it was partly my fault for wanting to go home so bad. We had our warning signs when I was just walking out of the hospital and then the excrutiating pain that I had been experiencing.

To Be Continued.....

Anxiety Normal Prior to Gastric Bypass Surgery?

I guess anxiety is pretty much to be expected with this surgery number 6; my very first Gastric Bypass surgery. I don't fully understand the full concept of what the whole surgery is about but I do understand that some of my intestine will be used to make a new opening in my stomach so that food can finally get through my system and that it is going to be yet another invasive surgery with lots of risks. Instead of the lower portion of my tummy being cut open; I will be getting the upper portion so here is my latest scar to be updated tomorrow with lots of staples.

Oh GOD I'm scared; but I do have faith that I will get through it. I do know that I have lots of beautiful souls praying for me tomorrow and tonight as well. From what I understand, I am in numerous prayer chains and that really touches my heart deeply. I'm so happy that I have touched so many with my fighting spirit. That to me means that I am living my life very meaningfully. If there is anything I do wish to teach others about my life is that life really is worth fighting for.

During this particular surgery, I am hoping that any tumors present will be removed; I also wish some boobs could be inserted into my pathetic flabs of skin that just happen to have nipples. (I had to cover up my flabs of skin with my gown in Photoshop in that photo below) But that's just wishful thinking on my part.

I've been opened up so many times that I'm like "why the hell not?". Why not get some boobs for my honey to enjoy. Somehow he still enjoys those miserable flabs of skin? What can I say, he loves me and of course I love him more life itself. Can you believe that I can actually see bones through my boobs? Now that's skinny and it's pretty sick too!

It sure would be nice to have these scary ass looking tumors removed also but I don't see how it can be done; these are going to have to be saved for chemo and /or radiation. Now that I look at all the photos I tried to take of them; they just don't show up looking all that big or existent. I promise you they do look scary in person. I will be talking with a radiation specialist soon about my upcoming treatments.

In this photo here below, that knot is one of the tumors and I know it might be a little hard to see. This is one thing that my doctor/oncologist will looking for is tumors that are located in an area in my stomach which might easily be approached with radiation treatment. He feels that the reason that my intestine is blocked is because of tumors. Now this is a chance that the tumors will be located in an area where it would be too dangerous to use radiation; so that's where the heavy duty chemo comes to play. I don't even know if I will be able to continue on the Tamoxifen treatments; but I do know that he would like me to start some heavy duty shit that will most likely make me go bald again.

That's OK with me; I'm designing a tattoo that should cover up my entire head; mostly of butterflies and flowers; just some beautiful art for the world to enjoy instead of those nappy, itchy, hot ass wigs. I will proudly walk around with my bald badge of courage. I have seen several women get tattoos after they lost their hair and I feel it's brilliant. I want to do just that! I haven't exactly picked out an artist just yet; nor do I have the money to do it; I know it all comes with time. We will see. Right now it's just a dream that I hope to be able to make come true. We all have to have those to keep up going.

Here is another update on my kidney infection. I have been on Cipro before and it caused me some major, major pain and suffering in my intestines. It didn't even work for my kidney infection at all and this was back in April. Now after my surgery; I started getting some serious pains and the pain would get up to a 10 to the point that I was doubled up and crying; tears were just streaming down my face and I could barely breathe from the extreme pain. I had about 3 bouts like this.

Well, on Friday night; I had to have pain medication literally every 2 hours and I felt it was strange that I was still suffering; maybe it's the fermented food that's still in my system but on Saturday afternoon; I had a nurse come in to change my antibiotic medication after it had gone it's course. I asked what kind of antibiotic I was on and was shocked to hear that I was on Cipro. OMG! I thought! Wow! This could be why I am suffering in so much pain.

I immediately told a doctor about my prior experience with this drug on Saturday afternoon after taking the blasted medicine and that it just wasn't at all helping with my kidney infection now or before when I took it many months ago. Days later I'm still having pain when I pee and the peehole factor of pain is pretty severe. My pee was practically bloody, cloudy; everything you come to expect from a kidney or severe bladder infection and to still be on this antibiotic like 2 days later.

You would expect that it would start working much sooner; or at least I expected that. The doctor agree to change the antibiotic; I'm still suffering in pain, but not nearly as much as I was since I have been changed off the antibiotic; my peehole doesn't hurt nearly as bad. So yes, we fixed something!

My honey visited with me twice yesterday with Miss Blue Belle in tow. She was so happy to see me both times. She jumped up onto the bed and gave me tons of little sweet Blue Belle kisses each time. It was so sweet to see her sweet expression with her ears being back as if to smile at me.

I don't mean to go off subject here, but I felt it is relevant to my feelings. Last night I had a great time just relaxing in the bed with all three of us (Jimmy and Blue Belle) together as we watched "America's Most Wanted". I don't have any idea why I even watch the show; I guess it is exciting but the horrors of what these criminals do does get to me.

I will never even begin to understand why some people do the evil things that they do like taking a life when I'm fighting so hard for mine as strong as I am particularly right now. It's just amazing to me how fast it can end for someone and for another person to have that much power over someone else's just to take it and not feel anything in doing so; maybe just for a small amount of cash or drugs, or because they hurt that person's feelings or what ever it takes just to end a life really amazes me. I feel life is completely priceless.

I am always glad to see when justice is served but I don't like to be reminded of how cruel the world can be. I will never understand why there are so many movies and shows about how horrible human kind can be towards one another. It seems commercial television seems to prefer to show us the worst instead of how kind others can be and this is one thing that my blog has completely taught me that television can never show me is how many beautiful people there are in this world that just read my blog, leave comments, email me, or just let me know that they are thinking of me or how my blog has helped change their lives.

Well after we watched the show we all took about an hour and half nap together just snuggling and loving on one another. It was wonderful to be so close to my husband and to feel how safe he always seems to make me feel. These are the lasting moments I often cherish as I sleep alone at night here in the hospital and what I will be thinking of when I go under tomorrow.

OK, I'm still very, very nervous about tomorrow and can't help but be. I have so much anxiety to overcome and fear. I pray that this surgery will be a success. Please GOD, no more hiccups for me! I don't need any more road blocks, speed bumps, pot holes, or trouble. Just success if at all possible! Please!)

Well tomorrow that light skin will have some staples on it and some bandages. I hope I heal fast and can ride my bike soon and swim! So much I wish to do but I also need to focus on what I do have to be thankful for and that it quite a bit.

I want to thank all of you who are praying for me sending me good vibes, possitive thoughts and so much more! It means the world to me and I want to thank you all from the very bottom of my heart!) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Lots of love to all of you! May there be Peace on Earth!)