Anxiety Normal Prior to Gastric Bypass Surgery?

I guess anxiety is pretty much to be expected with this surgery number 6; my very first Gastric Bypass surgery. I don't fully understand the full concept of what the whole surgery is about but I do understand that some of my intestine will be used to make a new opening in my stomach so that food can finally get through my system and that it is going to be yet another invasive surgery with lots of risks. Instead of the lower portion of my tummy being cut open; I will be getting the upper portion so here is my latest scar to be updated tomorrow with lots of staples.

Oh GOD I'm scared; but I do have faith that I will get through it. I do know that I have lots of beautiful souls praying for me tomorrow and tonight as well. From what I understand, I am in numerous prayer chains and that really touches my heart deeply. I'm so happy that I have touched so many with my fighting spirit. That to me means that I am living my life very meaningfully. If there is anything I do wish to teach others about my life is that life really is worth fighting for.

During this particular surgery, I am hoping that any tumors present will be removed; I also wish some boobs could be inserted into my pathetic flabs of skin that just happen to have nipples. (I had to cover up my flabs of skin with my gown in Photoshop in that photo below) But that's just wishful thinking on my part.

I've been opened up so many times that I'm like "why the hell not?". Why not get some boobs for my honey to enjoy. Somehow he still enjoys those miserable flabs of skin? What can I say, he loves me and of course I love him more life itself. Can you believe that I can actually see bones through my boobs? Now that's skinny and it's pretty sick too!

It sure would be nice to have these scary ass looking tumors removed also but I don't see how it can be done; these are going to have to be saved for chemo and /or radiation. Now that I look at all the photos I tried to take of them; they just don't show up looking all that big or existent. I promise you they do look scary in person. I will be talking with a radiation specialist soon about my upcoming treatments.

In this photo here below, that knot is one of the tumors and I know it might be a little hard to see. This is one thing that my doctor/oncologist will looking for is tumors that are located in an area in my stomach which might easily be approached with radiation treatment. He feels that the reason that my intestine is blocked is because of tumors. Now this is a chance that the tumors will be located in an area where it would be too dangerous to use radiation; so that's where the heavy duty chemo comes to play. I don't even know if I will be able to continue on the Tamoxifen treatments; but I do know that he would like me to start some heavy duty shit that will most likely make me go bald again.

That's OK with me; I'm designing a tattoo that should cover up my entire head; mostly of butterflies and flowers; just some beautiful art for the world to enjoy instead of those nappy, itchy, hot ass wigs. I will proudly walk around with my bald badge of courage. I have seen several women get tattoos after they lost their hair and I feel it's brilliant. I want to do just that! I haven't exactly picked out an artist just yet; nor do I have the money to do it; I know it all comes with time. We will see. Right now it's just a dream that I hope to be able to make come true. We all have to have those to keep up going.

Here is another update on my kidney infection. I have been on Cipro before and it caused me some major, major pain and suffering in my intestines. It didn't even work for my kidney infection at all and this was back in April. Now after my surgery; I started getting some serious pains and the pain would get up to a 10 to the point that I was doubled up and crying; tears were just streaming down my face and I could barely breathe from the extreme pain. I had about 3 bouts like this.

Well, on Friday night; I had to have pain medication literally every 2 hours and I felt it was strange that I was still suffering; maybe it's the fermented food that's still in my system but on Saturday afternoon; I had a nurse come in to change my antibiotic medication after it had gone it's course. I asked what kind of antibiotic I was on and was shocked to hear that I was on Cipro. OMG! I thought! Wow! This could be why I am suffering in so much pain.

I immediately told a doctor about my prior experience with this drug on Saturday afternoon after taking the blasted medicine and that it just wasn't at all helping with my kidney infection now or before when I took it many months ago. Days later I'm still having pain when I pee and the peehole factor of pain is pretty severe. My pee was practically bloody, cloudy; everything you come to expect from a kidney or severe bladder infection and to still be on this antibiotic like 2 days later.

You would expect that it would start working much sooner; or at least I expected that. The doctor agree to change the antibiotic; I'm still suffering in pain, but not nearly as much as I was since I have been changed off the antibiotic; my peehole doesn't hurt nearly as bad. So yes, we fixed something!

My honey visited with me twice yesterday with Miss Blue Belle in tow. She was so happy to see me both times. She jumped up onto the bed and gave me tons of little sweet Blue Belle kisses each time. It was so sweet to see her sweet expression with her ears being back as if to smile at me.

I don't mean to go off subject here, but I felt it is relevant to my feelings. Last night I had a great time just relaxing in the bed with all three of us (Jimmy and Blue Belle) together as we watched "America's Most Wanted". I don't have any idea why I even watch the show; I guess it is exciting but the horrors of what these criminals do does get to me.

I will never even begin to understand why some people do the evil things that they do like taking a life when I'm fighting so hard for mine as strong as I am particularly right now. It's just amazing to me how fast it can end for someone and for another person to have that much power over someone else's just to take it and not feel anything in doing so; maybe just for a small amount of cash or drugs, or because they hurt that person's feelings or what ever it takes just to end a life really amazes me. I feel life is completely priceless.

I am always glad to see when justice is served but I don't like to be reminded of how cruel the world can be. I will never understand why there are so many movies and shows about how horrible human kind can be towards one another. It seems commercial television seems to prefer to show us the worst instead of how kind others can be and this is one thing that my blog has completely taught me that television can never show me is how many beautiful people there are in this world that just read my blog, leave comments, email me, or just let me know that they are thinking of me or how my blog has helped change their lives.

Well after we watched the show we all took about an hour and half nap together just snuggling and loving on one another. It was wonderful to be so close to my husband and to feel how safe he always seems to make me feel. These are the lasting moments I often cherish as I sleep alone at night here in the hospital and what I will be thinking of when I go under tomorrow.

OK, I'm still very, very nervous about tomorrow and can't help but be. I have so much anxiety to overcome and fear. I pray that this surgery will be a success. Please GOD, no more hiccups for me! I don't need any more road blocks, speed bumps, pot holes, or trouble. Just success if at all possible! Please!)

Well tomorrow that light skin will have some staples on it and some bandages. I hope I heal fast and can ride my bike soon and swim! So much I wish to do but I also need to focus on what I do have to be thankful for and that it quite a bit.

I want to thank all of you who are praying for me sending me good vibes, possitive thoughts and so much more! It means the world to me and I want to thank you all from the very bottom of my heart!) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Lots of love to all of you! May there be Peace on Earth!)