Last night was a nightmare and we nearly went in to the emergency room. My temperature had risen to 102.5 and then it hit 103.1. The congestion from the cold had also gotten worse; I couldn't stop coughing up phlegm. On the bright side of things perhaps everything is coming out, but then again I had another night like this a week ago; let's hope everything is working it's way out. It was so incredibly disgusting; I was completely grossed out. I thought I was getting better from that cold but lately the symptoms are back and it could be that I'm fighting some kind of infection somewhere inside me. What scared me most was my honey pleading with me to not die on him!( I cry every time I think of that moment and I feel that I'm still tough as nails and can lick any cold I'm given. I will and I have that WILL to live; I'm just stubborn as hell about going back to hospitals.
I really have no idea what is going on inside my body any more. Since being cut open; my body is completely unpredictable; especially my intestines. They are still trying to figure out what to do since they have been sewn up, taken out of my body, restructured, resectioned, and then placed back inside me. The scary thing is; is that I could have another infection which may require hospitalization. I'm just not ready to be hospitalized just yet; at least that is what I'm telling myself.
I was so hard headed and my poor husband thought he was going to loose me last night!( He was scared, but he kept his cool despite my stubbornness of going to ER. He gave me Extra Strength Tylenol, plenty of ice water, and kept changing the cold compresses on my head and neck every half hour. We were both on a mission of love. He also kept a close eye on my temperature to see if we could get it down to normal (we were literally taking my temperature every 10 minutes). We got the fever down to 101 and then both of us were so tired that we just konked out. I kept waking up to go pee and I also had that strong urge to puke. I did a few times but it wasn't a lot like it has been the last couple of days.
He was on the couch and I soaked the bed with my sweat. Perhaps those are the hot flashes that the Tamoxifen causes? Well those hot flashes never made me horny but I still have faith that something out there can do it for me!) I hate having such a wonderful husband and just never feeling sexy or making love to him. It's so frustrating that this disease takes away so much from me. Maybe a few more days on this drug (Tamoxifen) will make a difference. I don't know if it's my eyes playing tricks on me, but those tumors on my side don't appear as large as they were a few days ago.
(note the bumps on top of my rib cage, yes I have scars everywhere; oh and did I mention the rash I also got from all that itchy tape from my nephostomy tube? Well that's still healing too!)
OK how in the hell did I get confused between Tamoxifen and Herceptin? Not sure how that happened but it did; maybe it's my chemo brain. Perhaps this was just one of the drugs Dr. Chemo had suggested but there are lots of drugs out there to consider ridding my body of this monster!)
The best part of today and everyday is being able to take a shower. I can't deny that as a gift to life! After having to take so many ho baths with my baby wipes; being able to stand up in a shower (not have to worry about taping myself up), but staying in the shower as long as I wish, (my honey no longer has to stand outside holding a bag) washing my hair and just feeling the warm water on my skin with out any worries! It was like heaven even though I had been so incredibly sick the night before. Especially with that amount of sweating, I reaked of BO. I had just changed the sheets (had just washed and folded them) and now I have to change them again! It never ends sometimes and I'm still as happy as ever to be in my own home and not in a hospital. Please, GOD can I stay home and heal!) That's all I wish for; I don't wish to be hospitalized anytime soon!
Well, I am still trying to get my weight back up too. I weighed in this morning at 111.5 and no appetite what so ever. My honey went to Panera Bread for a sandwich and some French Onion Soup. I ate half of mine and some of the bread and then later on I went to Whole Foods for more Tuna Fish. They have the best Tuna Fish ever and just like Gilda Radner; Tuna Melts happen to be my favorite food also!
Right now I have to eat what I can stomach and I can't pass up a good Tuna melt; especially mine! I use Veganaise Mayonnaise, chopped celery, and a little bit of dill mixed in. The cheese varies from Cheddar to Provolone, a nice huge slice of a reddish purple tomatoe, and of course salad greens. Can't forget the Kosher Dill pickle! Lots of mustard! = Yum!
Life for me is too short to only eat Bananas, Rice, Apple Sauce, or Toast. It just gets old after a while and since my appetite isn't so good, I kind of have to go with it. I can't eat fiber at all and that means no Wheat Bread for me. My short little intestines just can't take too much Fiber or else the spasms act up. Whole Foods happens to have the very best "White Bread" that goes perfectly with my Tuna Melt Sandwiches. That will be my 4th of July lunch!)
At night I have been having to eat smoothies which are really old about now. I'm so sick of smoothies, but sometimes I have to. I've been doing the muscle milk mixed with more protein and its makes it kind of slimy, but after a joint, I don't seem to care; I down it just like that!) Just before that, it would have been impossible; so there you go; a plant is helping to sustain me!)
I hope these fevers go away tomorrow (right now I have a temperature of 100.7) and I pray that we don't have to go to the emergency room tonight. That would be a sucky way for me to spend the 4th of July!( I almost did last night which is what really scares me; I do hope nothing is seriously wrong with me. For now I will try to keep the fever down with my cold compresses, ice cold Gatoraide and water, Extra Strength Tylenol, and Motrin (600mg). I have food in my tummy (icky Tiger Milk Shake and Ginger snaps); so hopefully this fever will not last. It's been a low grade fever for most of the day (99.3 -100).
Tomorrow is supposed to be a fun day and I hope to write about a fun day tomorrow with lots of great photos. No more hospital photos or experiences with good or bad nurses and doctors. Happy 4th of July! No Drama for anyone!) Just Fun, Love, and Peace!)