I will start with my day yesterday of waiting and waiting and waiting. I did get to go outside at around 2pm and sit outside and relax in the sunshine in a very beautiful Rosemary garden. I have to admit I was terrified of this surgery and honestly afraid that I might not be so lucky and not wake up. That's such a terrible thing to think but I just couldn't help it. I think it helped me to just sit outside in that garden and cry my eyes out. You can kind of tell I'm crying in this photo or see tears on my cheeks. It's kind of weird how photos of me outside, makes me appear that I don't have any eyebrows? I'm wearing absolutely no makeup but yet I look as if I am wearing heavy makeup? That just shows how unphotogenic I can be at times. I wanted to capture the reality here of just how frightened I was and I feel that I did just that.
As I was walking back inside from this little garden; I came upon a meditation room which I stopped inside and found a very nice woman named Terry. We talked and it really relaxed me just a little bit more for this surgery and I was just starting to ease my fears. The room was dimly lit and it was very relaxing. I told her my whole story which usually doesn't take too long and of course my fear and anxieties of what I would be facing in a few short hours. What a sweet lady to make me feel so brave. When I was done, I continued on to my room and lied down in my bed. My husband arrived shortly after and we got to take a nice little nap together from 2:30 - 4:30pm.
We were told that someone would be sure come and get us between 2:30pm to 3:30pm. I kept getting more and more abdominal pain and had to have my TPN changed once again. I thought they had turned it off and wasn't using it and actually got behind in administering my pain medications. My honey slept through it all and finally at around 4:45pm, someone came to get me and take me to my surgery and I got to go in my bed. How relaxing is that? I got to take my teddybear that my honey got me too! We went into the presurgical waiting room and I was in room number 6; for my surgery number 6. Wow! We must have waited for nearly an hour before it was time for me to get wheeled in for surgery. Oh God I was scared!
I kissed my honey good bye and then went on into the surgery room. I was moved onto the surgery table and told to take off my pants and panties which I was pretty bummed about but I guess needed to get that catheter inserted for peeing. I sat there and then all of a sudden the oxigen mask was put on me and wham I was out like a light.
I awoke in the worst pain ever at around 10:30pm. I was so happy that I survived when I woke up, but dam was in serious, serious, serious pain.. I literally felt as if I had been hit by a bus and dragged for about 10 miles. My pain level felt like it was a 20 on a pain scale of 1-10. OMG it was bad.
It seemed that I had to sit in POST OP for ever and the male nurses were ever so annoyed with me. I was such a stupid bitch to them I'm sure as they tried to get me to shut the hell up on the pain. Stop being such a wimp was the vibe I kept getting from them and they had to keep on telling me; "You have to breath, breath", they couldn't do anything at all for my pain and they kept yelling at me to keep pushing my button on my TPN which wasn't doing a damn thing as far as I was concerned.
God I'm such a fake on the pain and I was just shocked they would treat me that way. They always seem to be that way in Post Op. Not sure why; maybe they have no idea what it's like to get gutted like fish. I was crying and hurting like hell and totally miserable. I could barely breath for the pain; it was so incredibly painful. I wanted to be knocked out more than anything so that I didn't have to feel that pain. Oh GOD it was the worst! I could barely talk and of course having an NG tube, catheter, and that blood JP thingy. It was all back to me from last time.
Here we go again! Another healing adventure for me. The pain has finally subsided some but it still hurts like hell. I still feel like a gutted fish but it's not as bad as before. I couldn't move at all and could barely talk. I called me mother and father at around 2am - 2:30am of which it was 5am for my mom and 4am for my dad. They were just happy as hell to hear from me. I don't think I sounded so good but I was crying and happy as hell to hear their voices. Just wanted to let them know that I survived the surgery.
Around 6am this morning 3 of the doctors on the team had come in to tell me that the surgery was a success and that they were able to do what they had planned to do. On another note, my husband just told me that he had spoken with my oncologist and that a fair amount of the cancer had returned and he would like to slam me with some of the heavy duty chemo and /or radiation. This discourages and scares the living hell out of me. I'm scared shitless but I definitely am not ready to give up but this is the last time that my doctor wishes to work on me. It almost seems like I have a limited amount of time left and I pray this is not the case. Maybe all of this chemo will be the answer for me and we can find a cure. What ever it may be; I will be sure to enjoy every day as a gift and that is something we all should do.
What touched my heart just a few days ago while talking on Facebook with my sister in law was this video that reminded her very much of my husband and I as we battle our monster today. I feel we also dance very beautiful together. This is a representation of breast cancer. Perhaps my husband and I can one day do one for Ovarian Cancer!)