The strength continues with my Southern style tea....

Each day has been a blessing to me as I continue to feel stronger and stronger. I have my honey by my side taking such good care of me; what more could I ask for? I am able to go outside and even drive my car; so that's a blessing enough too! It's just the small things like these in life that I have so much to be thankful for. I could very well not be here today and I'm so incredibly thankful to have survived all that I have.

I really thought that I wouldn't make it last week. It was so scary and I try not to think about it, but I can't help but feel that I am so lucky to have survived when I really thought I was going to die. I still think back to those very painful moments when the nurse was seemingly waiting for me to die instead of bringing me much needed pain medication (OK enough) but I remember breathing as hard and strong in order to stay alive and going through this week I still can't believe that I was able to do just that! I'm still alive!).

Well most of this week I have been struggling to gain some weight and it has been seemingly impossible for me to do. Every time I would eat anything; my intestines would start going crazy within 45 minutes and out that extra weight and calories would go! How frustrating. It sucks that I have to eat all this soft shit (some of it even looks like shit = most of the baby food) that I am required to eat (yogurt, babyfood, applesauce) and it all seems to just come out almost immediately and almost look almost exactly like what I had just eaten. Now that's pretty appetizing; but at least I can eat?) I'm so sick of not being able to eat real food!(.

I had a few minor accidents with my bowels going on minor errands. I went to the Dog Park right behind the Hardware store and almost had a pooper accident. While Blue Belle was doing her business (I guess watching her might have triggered it). OK you had a good day and I still had a good day even though I nearly shit my pants a few times in a day. I got through it and it wasn't so bad. I was going to try to make it back to the vet's office for Blue Belle's ID papers but couldn't on that day. I went home and suffered in immense pain and had to pull out the liquid morphine. I was lucky that I even got to just go on that small errand. I got what I needed from the Hardware store and used their bathroom several times. Blue Belle was so patient each time I had to hurry to the bathroom and my poor bum! She knows the routine quite well and can usually get me to the bathroom pretty quick with out any interceptions. It was so incredibly sore!

It was such a hot day each day this week and Miss Blue Belle put up with it each day we had together.

I found out not too long ago the Shelties' fur keeps them cool in the summer and warm in the winter so she doesn't always seem to suffer too much in the heat. Brushing her is all the fun of have a Sheltie. If I don't have any hair; I can always brush hers and with her by my side; she can be my hair!) Being a long haired dog many have been wondering why I have one in this heat and have not shaved her. The truth is; I can't. She has very light skin and would end getting sunburned or get skin cancer.

Well the following day I finally was able to make it to the vet's office to try to finish up the paperwork for Blue Belles state ID. I almost pooped my pants there waiting and waiting; it almost happened but I was able to control myself there! I had to have the vet fill out some paperwork on my dog that she indeed is up to date on all of her shots (paid a fortune to them in June for that) and then a signature by the vet that she isn't dangerous or a threat to Society. I brought along her Canine Good Citizen document. I made it through all of that and I know that pooping my pants never killed me. I wasn't even going to get scared that it would happen; I had Blue Belle with me scratching my leg and reminding me that she's there and to pet her. It helped to get my mind off of the muscle spasms from the countless surgeries done back there. I may have mentioned it before but I do happen to have tiny little metal staples right in my asshole! It blows my mind sometimes; but most of the time I find it funny. It just adds to my funny personality. How pleasant is that; and that can get quite painful indeed. Talk about hemorrhoid pain!

Normally I like to refrain from talking about Bad Kharma here but this time I just can't help myself. I have already had to drive over to this particular vet's office twice in just two days. That vet's office is Lawrence Pet Hospital and I'm pretty upset with them. Well they do charge me a fortune on my vet bills and I am done with them just for that. Karma does come around and when you treat your clients the way that they have treated me; you get tired of being treated that way and you go elsewhere to be treated better and more fairly.

They have charged me hundreds of dollars more (on a single visit) than the new place I am now taking Blue Belle and Tonto on just one trip. I could pay $600 more for a teeth cleaning for both but I chose not to. I didn't realize I tossed away over $200 for both their shots too! Tonto's tooth cleaning was going to cost me over $400 but I was able to get it done for less than $250. Since Blue Belle got all of her vaccinations and all here in June, I needed to get this form signed by them for her state ID as a Service Dog for me. My doctor already approves of how she is for me and the amount of therapy she provides for me.

Now I do know that most of the front desk people could see for themselves that I am not getting around as good as most of their clients; I felt strongly that I got treated less than par. I had just so happened to have forgotten to print up from the Justice Department concerning service dogs and instead of a nice front desk girl who could have easily printed it up for me (as I guided her to the correct website (I even had it on Blue Belle's Blog); she had this smirk on her face as she told me "NO I can't help you; I'm too busy" with out any eye contact. She missed out and didn't get to check out Blue Belle's blog and all my hard work that is worthy of her printing it off my own blog which does tell her and the vet that I do know and respect the law.

Everything these days seems so impersonal. We should all care about one another. I guess it must have looked like I had that disease anorexia nervosa and therefore needed a dog to remind me to eat? Hey that's a good one. Yes, she made me go back home and print it and then bring it back the next day. The way the girl told me was very snide and uppity (annoying chiding voice). What's with that? What a waste I thought.

I could not believe how snotty this girl behind the counter was towards me as I asked her if she would mind please printing it up for me so that I don't have to go all the way home? All she would have to do was to go to the website where it is available to all and print it up. She said "NO I will not do that; you have to go home and print it and bring it back". I can actually laugh at how ridiculous this girl was in her commands. Her voice was rather immature sounding as if she were young and just wanted to exert some power over someone. (yes it was Saturday Night Live) I guess I'm a good target for that. What ever she does; she will never ruin my day; just bringing herself bad karma along the way in how she treats others. She had this smirk on her face as she looked at the computer as she was saying that to me. So busy she could multi-task just like that as she was talking with me. OK I am a nut for wanting some eye contact and more time spent with me because I do deserve it.

I could actually see that she was really getting off on being a bitch to me. Well good for her I guess. I didn't realize I could make others feel so good to use their power of authority? What ever! We are allowed to feel that way towards others if they do much just to annoy us. I would still give her another chance to prove herself and over and over again and hopefully one day she will get it right (how to treat others) since she is so young. All lives are worth waiting for no matter what; and I was taking up time to wait for and I didn't owe any money for this service.

I can tell that I obviously look and appear like a person who would need a service dog. If you ask me; everyone deserves a service dog. They really do relieve stress. Just having her around makes everyone around me more peaceful and loving. Blue Belle is the Peace and love Princess! I have no problem with the stereotype at all; I'm just very happy and grateful just to be alive and I do know my life is worth waiting for. Well I did have these two tubes hanging out of my arm (my honey has to flush both of them 4 x's each = now that is love right there); I definitely look like a skeleton and she can't help me and almost looks as if she is getting some personal enjoyment in all this the fact that she can't help me? I just couldn't get over that evil little smirk on her face (it seemed like one to me) when she got the power to be able to tell me NO and that I would need to go back home and get what I needed when she could have easily printed it up for me. She would like for me to go all the way home and come back. I brought her Canine Good Citizen papers from the American Kennel Association. What power!

I know I have paid them thousands of dollars over the years of over charged and excessive vet bills and to print up 1 sheet of paper on the internet was too much for me to ask for? Go to my cute dog's blog; (now that would have been a fun experience for her and she missed out on that!), and print up the form next to her cute face!) Well this definitely reinforces what comes around goes around for me. You can't do a nice a favor for someone and you treat them less than?

So I had to come back the very next day with it and then the girl was very snotty back to me again and said "we have to look this over overnight before we can sign it; looking downward as she said this; you're going to have to wait" (just like "Sorry!") and I was actually on my way to my Psychiatrist office right after this visit so that I could get the rest filled out all while picking up a medication at the very same location which was across town.

Well to me this is going to be taken as giving me more days to get this done than needed. Oh I was annoyed with that little brat. No worries; I will be able to fax my doctor who backs me up 110% on my medication = Blue Belle. She said she will fill it out and fax back to me ASAP. I believe in my Psychiatrist; she really is wonderful. Oh how thankful I am to still be insured and to have those great caregivers. You have to be thankful when you get a person who truly cares about you and your life. The insurance that we have is a total blessing. It is a blessing and I hope it lasts. I have been with out health care most of my life and to have it the whole time I am going through this crap is a luxury that I will never ever take for granted.

OK back to the vet's office visit: I asked the girl (behind the desk) kindly "are you sure that the vet can't look this over soon and I can sit here and wait for a little bit? (take 2 minutes of time and read over the 1 page document and then sign the form)? " She told me "NO" you may come back later to pick these forms up.

Oh the look on her face that she got to exert some more power over me! Wow! She was very happy to be able to do that and to tell me "No, you have to wait!" I could just see the smirk on her face when she got to say "NO" to me. It's almost as if she doesn't believe that I really need a Service Dog or she feels somehow that I'm not really disabled enough to have one. It's really none of her business but I just was overwhelmed a bit by her and the other girls in front. They seemed to be very, very judgmental. I was too poor and therefore I was trash so I needed to be treated as if I am trash. Yes, today's budgets for all the same bills takes up more of a percentage of my check as opposed to someone exceptionally wealthy. I'm doing the best that I can with this illness and no amount of money will ever make me feel less than. I do have love and that to me is worth more than any amount of money! I'm very wealthy with love and that should account for something!)

Those were, the good old days when I worked for such a nice sweet vet and a great team of workers; we always watched each others back and took care of each other. We made sure we all laughed together and sometimes with the patients but we were very compassionate towards all; less tolerance for those who were cruel to their pets. It would break our hearts to see any animal suffer and were more than willing to help out all who needed it. They were all worth our time. We would help all pets that we could and make it as easy as possible for others to be able to take care of all pets. They did this for my mom especially and I will never forget all the great things they did for her in her efforts to raise wild animals. They didn't break her too much; she was able to comfortably pay those bills.

We just wanted to help. This photo here doesn't at all demonstrate how it was when I worked there. We were busy all the time and didn't have the time to pose that way. I so wished I had photos from way back then. I wished I had a good camera for those days! We were all enthusiastic about what we did for others and that was to help sick & healthy animals. how we treated clients much, much more different. We treated them as human beings with feelings and for those who demonstrated a true love for their animals and provided a good home for them; they got an extra discount.

The girl in the photos kinda sorta looks a little like me when I was much, much younger; only my hair was a little more blond and I had those big blue eyes. We never judged anyone and when someone couldn't afford to pay their bill; we would knock what we could off the bill (billing was based on income meaning that those who made less often had to pay less = it was a percentage based on income: we did not believe in breaking anyone so that they too could pay their bills just everyone else; not the way that it is now where billing is based on the most highest income bracket and that's it) and that's how we would make it as reasonable as we could and allowed for monthly payments. Why treat everyone the same because we are not. Some of us don't make as much as the richest in the world. Health care is a right whether it be for humans or for animals and it should not have to break anyone to stay alive. Everything costs money and it should cost money to have money; it should be expected; quit being so greedy and thinking only of yourself. We all have to take care of each other and look out for one another.

It was such a fun job and a few times I got to work the front desk but I never ever treated anyone less than at any job I have ever work at. I appreciate all from others and enjoy learning about them and what they offer the world. That's the most fascinating thing to learn is about people and their feelings about things. I never got off on a power trip with anyone. It's not in my nature to be that way and I don't get why some people have to be that way. Most people don't feel anyone's life is worth waiting any amount of time for; they often. Waiting in traffic or in line I honestly would loose sleep and worry about the feelings of someone else that I have mistreated.

These girls were being very, very shallow and I bet if they walked a mile in my shoes their attitudes would definitely change. That's why I am so glad to have this blog and I hope it changes many lives and encourages others to be nicer to each other. Treat others the way that you would want to be treated. We are not all the same. Greed, Power, and Money are the evils in this world and we need less of that; more Love!)

Well I will have pick it up Blue Belle's papers tomorrow afternoon right before I have my scheduled chemo at 2:15pm. After that I won't ever have to deal with Lawrence Pet Hospital and their bad kharma ever again!) I will never ever go back there again and be treated that way! No Way. After getting reprimanded by the front desk clerk at the vet's office; I was able to continue on with my day and go get my blood test done right across the street at the huge hospital and Miss Blue Belle was such a good little Service Dog in her vest yesterday. She made me so proud.

There was a woman that I absolutely love working the front desk at the lab. She always makes eye contact with me and talks to me like I'm a real human being. I feel like I'm a part of her family; she was touched by my romantic story of how my honey proposed to me again as I was slowly waking up from my very first surgery. She knows the love we share and that we are very good cool people. She knows I am a tough stick and a tough, tough woman = chick!) and will always make sure that someone is back there who will be gently with my fragile veins. Someone has been praying for my veins to be strong and they sure looked strong that day. I got compliments on my veins? Wow! How awesome is that? I have never gotten compliments on my veins. What on earth would cause my veins to start looking better. I was able to get an easy stick this time? Someone prayed for me to have good veins and I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart!)

I also got to wash Miss Blue Belle in the bathtub and now she is so very soft and pretty now! Her hair just flowed gorgeously everywhere we went! All the smiles that were happening in all directions we walked made me feel so much better after the undignifying visit to the vet's office. I allowed several elderly women to just dig in in her fur since she nicely brushed, soft as a bunny rabbit, and just yummy for the cute and pretty factor! She was a fresh clean doggie that didn't smell at all like dirty doggie! How happy these ladies were to love on such a soft pretty, nicely fragrant dog.

While we were standing in line at the Campbell Pharmacy so many people were fascinated by this beautiful working dog. She was completely business like in her little business suite (Service Dog Vest) and her beautiful Blue and white fur just flowing gently as she walked by. She was a site for many! Her ears remained perfectly flipped through out to bring out more cuteness along with her perfectly little chiseled face!) OK she always makes me smile!) I would say the long line for many who had to stand behind us; didn't feel it was a long enough wait at all for us to pick up my medications. That dog was just so fascinating and beautiful to look at. She was a fashion star of the moments spent waiting in line.

Another thing is that since I had not been gaining any weight; I am now thanks to my miracle Southern Style tea. I just made my first batch of Cannabis Tea. I altered the recipe a bit so here is my recipe for what I will coin "Tea Weed" or "Weed Tea" which ever you prefer. It's my personal recipe for life saving tea.

1- Fill up the kettle with filtered water & 1 tbsp of butter
2- Bring to a nice boil
3- Add a cup and half of shake (cannabis leaves & stems)
4- Add about 2-4 teabags of your favorite tea bags
5- Let it all steep for about 30 minutes (for hot) to an hour (for cold)
6- Strain the water (I used a paper towel and a rubber band over the pitcher or mouth of glass) and pour into pitcher or glass
7- add plenty of honey or sugar to taste
8- Add some ice to a glass, pour and enjoy! You can also enjoy it hot too! Wow! Yummy! Be prepared to drink lots of water! It will clean my kidneys tomorrow.

I don't need any kidney problems and the nausea will be under control. Imagine that "Tea Weed" that helps me survive. It's safe in that I am drinking tea and I don't feel any pain for several hours. It's awesome! I wish I could make this for other patients who need it most.

Since enjoying this tea yesterday, I have been mostly pain free, drinking lots of water and Gator-aid and I had the munchies all day long. I was snacking on all kinds of things that were good for me through out the day. All week long I have been teetering on 105- 106.5 and nothing more. I was so sad that I just couldn't get myself to gain any weight. Well last night I was up to 110.5! Yippeee!) This morning 109.5 and I didn't have the need to do any liquid morphine which is awesome! I didn't have to smoke it but boy that tea was so delicious! My honey just tried a taste of it and it was too strong for him. I think it works much better for us Cancer patients or those of us in severe pain situations. Let's hope the pain finally subsides and I don't have to take anything for pain one day soon!

Well I already mentioned that I really love the fact that I get to go outside with Blue Belle and that I'm not still stuck in the hospital (what an understatement that is!) as I was 1 week ago today. I photographed this poor little bee today on our walk today. Sometimes I like to challenge myself and photograph these tiny things in nature that I find fascinating.

At the end of the year since 2003, I have been making movies for my family of all the photos that I take through out the year just to let them know we are OK, dealing with what we are dealing with in the best ways that we can, we are living and still having lots of fun together. We do have a lot of fun together despite all that we endure. I have to do my yearly movie for my family; Well since 2006 I believe I have been including all of my weird photos taken that year and am always setting the slide show to trippy music. I have so many things to do and film making is one of them. I will try to video tape my next chemo just to see what goes on during a normal chemo treatment. We will see! Hope you enjoyed this post as much as I did writing it... Thank you all for your prayers, good, positive thoughts and much more! I feel the love!)

Maybe blocked again and more pain...

Last night was my first night to sleep in my own bed and I thought for sure that I would sleep like a baby. I didn't fart at all the day or even throughout the evening or even the day that I left the hospital and I was starting to feel the pain of what could be a small abdominal blockage with pain that tipped the scale of 10 (on a scale of 1-10) with sharp, singes just going through my heart, my stomach and even my lower abdomen all through out the evening.

I really thought I was going to die and I kept contemplating; should we go to the emergency room? My honey was totally on my side and trying to comfort me in any way that he could. We both didn't want to go back but I had a feeling that it might have been from me coming off the pain pump; stronger intravenous medicine versus pills (which perhaps my intestines were not quite absorbing them). They were indeed not strong enough for amount of pain that I was in.

When ever I would try to lie down in bed to try to sleep the pressure in my abdomen would make it difficult to breathe and it felt as if I had rolling pain pain singes that kept getting worse as the night progressed. I kept having to get up to go to the bathroom many times through out the night to go pee and each time I was proud of myself that each time I remembered to pick up my heavy backpack of food instead of getting hung up and pulling IV cords.

We got into a very strict schedule of doubling up on the Percocets and then I would take an Ativan in order to be ahead of these violent outbursts of pain.

I really hated that I was keeping my husband up at night too but he was right there by my side no matter what; not even irritated at me for keeping him up. I cried and cried and worried about the outcome of all of this; will I survive this? I sure hope so and will try my very best to beat this. I feel that light inside me called a will and so much to live for; I am going to be as strong as I can and if I have to yell and scream from the extreme pain; then so be it. It helped relieve the stress of the pain in my abdomen.

In all, Wednesday night was just a long night of waking up throughout the night and each time having to walk around carrying my heavy backpack of food all night long. I'm in a constant confusion state of when I am hooked up to an IV and when I am not. At least I have the brains to check before getting up each time whether I am hooked up or not. LOL

The next morning my husband decided to call in sick in order to take care of me. We did a couple of Dilaudid and an Ativan that knocked me on my ass until noon which was nice. I needed to be knocked out from this horrible pain. My husband has been so totally stessed from my pains and I feel like total shit for stressing him out; sometimes I feel like he deserves so much better than this but he always insists that we will walk hand in hand through this together and no other way. He is in love with me no matter what; it's just a very stressful time right now of worrying whether I will survive in the coming days.

At noon, it was finally time for me to be unhooked from the heavy backpack of my TPN. The freedom of not being hooked up rocks and it may only be 6 hours of freedom; but that's only 6 hours of being able to walk around without having to carry a heavy backpack or a try to make the most of an IV line; sometimes I have to plug myself back into the pump when the TPN is on but during those 6 hours of freedom = no IVs!).

My very first day at home has not been easy and while I did take a suppository; it didn't totally help with this block; I mostly had to cut out food; yesterday I had eaten a small amount of Chicken Soup with rice, a few pretzels and a cut up apple with out the skins; today only 1 Yoplait yogurt and 0 appetite. I have been having hot flashes all throughout the day; I know it's from the TPN pump. At least with out my appetite I am at least getting some nutrition. It's scary that surviving this can be so hard. I wish I could eat and not have to worry about how everything can get through my system.

I just knew that I was facing going back into the hospital and hoping and praying that I could tough out this pain and hopefully be able to improve and stay home. I stayed drugged up for most of the day and mostly just watched trashed TV in drugged state; it was either that or doubled up in severe pain. I did get to go on a walk outside with Blue Belle trying to get some air out of my intestines and hopefully getting things woken up and working again. I walked up the block to mail some letters and cards, then walked around the pool area, got to hang with my neighbor's daughter for just a few minutes; then the pain started to get rough and I headed back home for more pills.

When I got home and doubled up some more on Percocets and a few hours later; still not working so I took some more Dilaudid and it kind of worked and I mostly stayed on the couch mostly feeling doped up until 9pm.

My sincere apologies for posting this painful looking photograph but it really is the realities of what I am going through. You can just see the pain in my face as I am crying. At this point, I really had no idea what was even going on inside my body and why I am hurting so much. My husband was out enjoying a beer with some friends when I called him and told him that we need to dial 911. I knew in my heart something was indeed wrong.

He got home and did the usual drill of locking out the animals so that they wouldn't try to follow me or exscape. I was so incredibly miserable from the pain, crying and screaming (they were even able to insert an IV and give me a shot of morphine which helped tremendously) once I got inside the hospital I was ignored much of the time. I was that crazy screaming woman that annoyed everyone within 20-25 ft? I don't know how far my voice was traveling but I couldn't help it. As far as they were concerned; I was belonging to a psychotic hospital unit and just needed a padded cell all to myself. I was so miserable in pain. I was next to another woman who was taking my screaming quite well. I tried not to scream but the pain level was too much to even handle. I honestly thought that my intestine was going to burst and the pain would just come in waves. I had to get ahead on pain medication before I was even comfortable.

My husband was totally pissed that I was let out of the hospital not able to poo or fart and I felt it was partly my fault for wanting to go home so bad. We had our warning signs when I was just walking out of the hospital and then the excrutiating pain that I had been experiencing.

To Be Continued.....

Home from the Hospital..Finally....

Let's hope I don't have to go back anytime soon. I'm still in an immense amount of pain from the surgery but I sure do love being back in my home. Being is in the hospital is so boring and lonesome. I can't tell you how relieved I am that I am here sitting in my own living room looking at my kitty cat whom I haven't seen in nearly 3 weeks. He's just looking at me and talking to me like "is there anything I can get you mommy?" He has been following me around like little puppy dog and everyone in a while he will say something but I just wish I could understand cat language. Maybe he is trying to speak English to me; I'm just not sure. I'm just so glad to be home and I've missed that bundle of fur so much. I loved seeing him on Skype; it was almost like I was back home in my own living room.

This was by far the longest stay I have ever had to endure in the hospital. It was just 2 days shy of 3 weeks. I didn't realize a block could constitute staying in the hospital quite that long. I almost got to stay a few hours longer when the pain erupted just as we were leaving. I was standing up just walking out and some of the nurses stopped us to ask some questions about my medication and the TPN I needed to bring home. We just were standing there for a little while and then all of a sudden I needed to sit down; tears were streaming uncontrollably out of my eyes as the knife like pains continued in my stomach. I felt just a fish being gutted right then and there. I can't get over how sore it is but I did just get cut open a little over a week ago and I still have staples that will need to be taken out next week.

This morning I got to yank out the JP tube. Check it just prior we were just scissoring the stitches and getting it ready for yank out. OMG it hurt like hell when she got it ready for me to this point where the white is hanging out. Awwww, damn it hurt like hell! I had to take a little break and then I started pulling and pulling and then I yanked out all the rest. A rubber tube being pulled right out of your insides is not at all that comfy or a great feeling to have feel; take it from me.

Well enough of the disgusting gross stuff; my husband I am have yet to figure out a schedule for my TPN. I need to be hooked up to it for 16 hours and then 6 hours off which mean 6 hours of total freedom from an IV. It's all about math and timing so that should get my chemo brain out of the dust and thinking. What will work best for both of us; what hours would I like to be free (and I only get 6 of them).

For now I am going to sleep in my own bed and enjoy being in my own house; helping myself to my refrigerator when ever I feel like it and going through a huge stack of mail; all the things you have to deal with when you are on vacation normally for an extended amount of time. Let's hope next time I have to go through such a huge stack of mail; my honey and I are on a great snowboard adventure in Colorado or somewhere awesome. Thank you all for your blessings, possitive thoughts and prayers. I am feeling much better and just enjoying being at hom with my family.

A Major Communication fallout...

Well I didn't mention Saturday that Nurse Eileen came into my room to help assist for a little bit and I mostly gave a her a dirty look. I had no idea why she was still in my room. I told her I didn't want her in my room any more and had even called the head nurse on Thursday just to make sure I didn't get her again. Anyway as I was talking to her, she pretty much ignored what ever I had to say and interrupted me to talk to the other nurse as if I was just an animal making noises in my bed. How rude? . She pretended that nothing had ever happened and acted like she did not hear me talking at all "I guess dumb patients just grunt and moan to her" since that's all she understands of them. I'm glad I didn't see her the rest of the day because it would have pissed me off further.

Sunday was a pretty good day; I was lonesome for part of the day and got to catch up on some sleep and some blogging on one of my other blogs; actually it's Blue Belle's blog. I had started this blog last year sometime in order to have a blog on all the fun things that we do with Blue Belle. I hope to continue this blog and perhaps this one I can try to be more consistent about updating.

I know it's quite insane and kooky at the same time, but Miss Belle will be blogging in the 1st on what its' like to be a Service/ Therapy Dog. I plan to write about all of our adventures and hopefully can get an affiliate membership with ActiveDogs.com. It sure would suck to advertise all of these great (expensive) vests and patches and then not even get a dime profit for doing so and even no discounts since I do purchase from them quite often. I'm blogging /working and sending customers her way and then nothing back in return; even down to paying full price for Blue Belle's own vests and patches seems very unfair. What comes around should go around and I pray they do the right thing. I don't expect much just a little for advertising and writing up blog articles on her vests. I plan to call tomorrow to find out more or if this will even be allowed.

Most of the blog will entail everything needed to train and to get a service dog ready for patients who need them. Blue Belle's experience in how she acts around patients and teaching her the command "No kisses" or "off" so that she doesn't smother or bother a patient. Some patients want kisses and others do not. So much to do and I sure do have the time here in the hospital to do that.

OK enough about the silly blog, I wasn't able to squeeze out any farts and none of the doctors would approve me having a suppository in order to help assist in that process. I would like to thank all of you for your lovely advice, prayers hot air warm thoughts!) on desperately trying so hard to get me pass some wind. That means so much to me! Thank you all from the bottom of my heat! All that love is priceless and no amount of money would ever be worth that!

I didn't sleep at all yesterday or Saturday night because I was suffering from extreme insomnia. The sleeping pills I had been taking for several nights in a row were not at all working; so last night we were on it. At midnight I took some Benedryl and was promised an Ativan in half and hour (12:30am), well that half hour turned into 2 and half hours; I kept buzzing the nurse and getting frustrated with her every half hour; she was busy with another patient and forgot that she should have delegated some of her tasks to some other nurses who looked like they were bored when I walked around earlier. This nurse is such a hard worker but she has no clue how to work with her team and have them help her; delegating work with her. I really needed some sleep and I lost out because of this and her desire to try to do everything.

She had finally come into my room just after 2:30am and I was sitting in my room reading a Michael Jackson article in Rolling Stone magazine. I had the TV off just trying everything possible to get me to sleep. I asked her if they could please hold off as long as possible for drawing my blood since she so terribly late with my medication; more like 7am so that I could sleep. She told me that she had a strict schedule and would try to hold of until 5:30am; I was quite bummed so I said OK. I was able to fall asleep shortly after 3am and then I was awaken shortly before 5am (around 4:55am) for a blood draw and vitals; that was it; I couldn't sleep at all after that so I got up and walked some more laps in the hallway in hopes that I might become so exhausted that maybe I could just come into my room and pass out and fall sound asleep.

I was up and awake so I decided I might as well work on some emails, do some banners for Blue Belle's blog, listen to an audio book, and even walked 10 laps in hopes that I could fall asleep. I was so incredibly grumpy and grouchy. I was finally given another Ativan in hopes that it would work to put me back to sleep for just a few hours and it did work. I feel asleep shortly after 7am.

At around 10am, my doctor came in to my room to check on me. I won't be going home today; maybe in a couple of days; I'm so bummed this visit has grown to be so long. He recommended a suppository and I was elated "Finally"! Finally! These things usually work for me and it did. I was able to fart up a storm; well not a whole lot but I also got to go #2 as well! I was so happy; the pressure on my tummy also subsided so hopefully I am getting better. I have already walked 20 laps around my hospital floor which also seems to be helping especially after taking the suppository.

I almost forgot to mention that my husband wasn't able to visit me yesterday and I was pretty bummed and depressed (I even tried to cry myself to sleep) but it was his short weekend and I am glad that he is able to go out and have some fun; one of us should be able to be out enjoying life and he sure deserves to like no other. He doesn't have to come to this dump (OK it is a state of the art Hospital) every single day. It does suck for me to miss a day of seeing him. I'm such a baby sometimes but I can't help it; I'm in love.

So here are the instructions in troubleshooting our problem of "MY FRIEND CAN'T HEAR ME TALKING; HOW DO I CHECK IF MY MICROPHONE IS WORKING?"

We both installed Skype on both computers at the same time so that we talk to each other and I could finally get to see Tonto who I miss so much. He installed the software on the iMac and me on MacBook Pro. We just kind of just walked each other through the whole process of installing, but it does seem kind of like janky software in that only 1 person could be heard. At first I was the one that was able to hear everything. It was awesome!



So in that paragraph of instructions do you happen to see "Sound Settings" here? I looked everywhere so these instructions are bunk.

"When you are in a call, find the little down arrow beside the call time near the bottom of the call window. Choose Sound Settings..."

We have yet been able to figure out why that is so but we could only talk to each other with our cell phones and we got the very worst back-up noises ever. It kind of squeaked and hurt our ears. I so wanted him to be able to hear me or to go over there and fix it for him; I just knew he had something wrong over there. (I'm a little more technical than he is)

My honey tried to pick up Tonto as he was talking to me on his cell phone and the back-up noise scared the living the living shit out of Tonto. He could hear me but he also heard that horrible eeeekkkeeek noise and he struggled to get free. It looked like he thought that he would going to be shoved inside that computer with me. I got to see the most hilarious facial expressions on that cat and as it was priceless! He scurried out of there! I laughed so hard that I had to grab my Teddy Bear in order to hold my tummy together. He just looked into the direction of the camera like "Why is my mom in there? What the hell did you do with her? Why is she in there and don't you throw me in there too!" It was so funny; his looks were amazingly funny! I wish I would have thought to take a photo of his snobbish face. It was totally priceless!

I want to go home so bad.I have been getting incredibly homesick these last couple of days. I'm also still in a great deal of pain and can feel the pressure of the stitching inside my stomach. I didn't think it would be this painful for so so long. I can't wait until I am pain free; I hope this happens one day. I can handle pain with out meds when the level hits a 6; but beond that; I'm not the bionic woman.

Well the same nurse (Nurse Eileen) returned to my room this morning to help out and I stopped her. I asked her kindly "you know I don't want you to be my nurse anymore; you stressed me out far too much on Thursday and I don't need that kind of drama or a nurse that pure out lies to cover her ass". She interrupted me to tell me she never called security, but I later found out she was the one who did.

I plan to call Patient services to just let them know that I am not at all comfortable with this nurse and to please keep her away from me. I'm not a fan of dishonesty at all and she put me through quite a bit of stress in order to cover her ass. She should have told me that I should be back at a certain time and she should have listened to her patient. Had she only listened to me instead of interrupting so rudely, things would have been much more different. How was I supposed to know that I was supposed to ask a doctor first if I could leave the floor? I was never told this. I was told by my doctor that I needed to walk; he never specified where.

We did tell her that we were going to the Farmer's Market (twice). Anyway, I survived that stress and that horrible anxiety attack and don't wish to have any more of those. I still don't feel that nurse is dealing with a full deck; I just don't trust her. I don't wish to see her again. I probably should give her another chance but I'm not ready to yet. Yes, I do give people second chances but it takes me some time to get over certain things. I'm quick to forgive but I don't ever forget.

Well this evening around 5:30pm in walks my very handsome husband with this beautiful little girl by his side. She was so happy to see me. He was very tired when he arrived and of course so was I. I could use a nap being that I didn't get much sleep last night or this morning. I think I got a grand total of 4 hours. I scooched over to the very edge and we cuddled for about 1/2 an hour until the phone rang and woke me up and then the nurses needed to take my vitals; my nap was officially over; I was full on awake. It takes nothing to wake me up.

So I got up grabbed my brush (yes I used my brush to brush my sweet Blue Belle), some extra wash clothes and that waterless shampoo. My poor pup was a dirty, dirty, dirty girl. Just look at how beautiful she looks now. I made sure I worked everything in and even rubbed that stuff out. It seemed like it got a lot of dirt out of her coat. It was so amazing. Once I get out of the hospital, I will be giving her a real bath in the bath tub. Yes, that's another amazing thing my honey did for me was fix the shower. We now have a shower head that is moveable? I don't know the terminology of that stuff but it can be detached and you can use it to wash the pets in the bathtub. It works like a gem and it will save us quite a bit from having to to the Pet Wash. ($15 per bath).

Well tonight around 11:30Pm my honey and I finally finished fixing Skype together and we both were successful up and on the screens looking and talking with each other. How confusing for the animals but they were starring right into the camera each time and it was so cute. We have a bunch of Tonto until he had enough. It might have been too weird for him. My honey and I could not resist kissing the screen over and over and over again and then just staring at each other. We fixed it! Now we can talk on Skye and now know what the hell we are doing. It was so fun and exciting. It may be an old technology that has been around but my husband and I plan to use it tomorrow morning so that I can be around to help him make his own breakfast. We will see. I may get to go home on Wednesday and we are now practicing with the TPN machine; the one that I will be going home with will be hooked up tomorrow evening and I will get 4 hours of IV freedom which I am very excited about. That means I get to go on walk with out an IV and I get to wear my T-Shirts with out those huge gowns made for some 500lbsp or more. I noticed when I was walking past this glass window and having to push the IV pole the super big sleeves exposed my tiny little pathetic breaths and left absolutely nothing to the imagination. If I had a T-shirt on, then I would have on at least so that my boobs won't have to be exposed anymore. How disgusting and anyone dare tell me this? Absolutely not. Oh well things are getting better for me and I wait to go home!

A Miserable existence.....for now...

I have been suffering from the extreme effects of this surgery these last couple of days. It sure as hell hasn't been easy and that's a total understatement. I still have yet to get a full (in over 4 nights) night's sleeps and this has been taking a toll on me quite a bit. I'm surely sweet Jayne all the way and now I have been bitch Jayne.

I have only been able to take maybe 20 - 30 minutes naps all night long because my vitals have to be taken every hour on the hour because of being on the PCA pump for pain. This is the reason I am unable to sleep at all throughout the night; I'm simply not allowed to or at least that's what it seems. I have to be awakened no matter what and have my vitals (blood pressure, oxygen, and temperature) taken every hour on the hour even though nothing seems to change at all in any of them. How incredibly annoying is this? I really do need to sleep or at least I thought that one should be able to for at least 5-6 hours with out being interrupted; but NO! NO! NO!, not here at Kaiser, I have to have those vitals taken every single hour.

Oh and the lights must be bright, bright, and very bright; so much so that they must be taken when I am fully awakened. OK it sucks donkey shit and every kind of shit there is. I still can't get over that I am not allowed to get a full nights sleep here but if I want to be rid of pain; I have be awakened no matter what.

During one of my 20 minute naps I awoke dreaming that I was making my honey his morning cup of coffee, then his travel mug of coffee, his peanut butter and jelly sandwich and of course the rest of his lunch. How I do miss being at home, being helpful and just doing all the things that shows him just how much I really do love him and of course all those little ways of showing him exactly how much I love him; that I appreciate him more than anything in the world and that I'm extremely blessed to have the most wonderful man on earth. I can't wait to go home. I was pissed off to get awoke from a dream like that!

Well today, I had a huge day of progress. It started out totally and completely miserable with me being totally angry with all the nurses that kept on waking me up all through out the night; I would finally get to sleep and then I was awakened for my temperature taking, that stupid sweaty blood pressure thingy and that stupid finger thingy that measures my oxygen. How necessary is it to have to do this every hour on the hour and sometimes I know it was taken every half hour at times. What the hell? I must have been awoken at least 20-30 times. I was so pissed off and angry for not getting any sleep. No one would allow me to sleep!(

OK back to my progress; I was sweaty and miserable in my bed, hurting and not at all feeling all that great; I felt like total shit; I was grumpy as hell for being awoken all night long, my throat hurt from the stupid NG tube, the pee hole bag was really starting to annoy me and I wanted it out right away. Then there are those little foam baggy velcro things that wrapped around my leg; well those were really itching my leg (those things help for circulation). I was so incredibly uncomfortable and a total freaking mess and I must have been a total head case too being with out so much sleep in so many days.

A nice nurse came in a few minutes later to help me get out of bed ad get seated in the bathroom so that I could give myself a good little washcloth bath, then change into my gown. While I was washing myself off, she changed my bed. After I was dressed, I decided to get up and go for a t walk in hopes that the Foley Catheter would be removed. I walked a full 2 laps around my hospital floor at around 11:30am. I felt accomplished at least and was able to get some help so that I could climb back into my clean bed and try to attempt to get some sleep.

After I was just a few seconds from REM sleep, in walked a nurse to check my vitals. That stupid little cart was the last thing I wanted to see. She turned on the brightest of the bright lights and I was totally floored more than anything, I felt exactly like grabbing that whole little cart and just tossing it out of my room into a million pieces. I so wanted to do that. I was totally and completely pissed off at her. What the FUCK I thought to myself. "What the FUCK!" I was almost there! I literally was almost completely asleep and then I was robbed of that relaxation moment of sleep; the most important one; having a good dream with my honey on vacation. Well I put up with her shit and then just gave up on trying to sleep anyway. I must have made her feel like shit but she was only doing her job. I asked her; "am I the patient who is not allowed to sleep?" "Am I just not allowed to sleep at all here?". "What the hell? I have not slept in 4 days and I was just about there; you didn't even knock; you just turn on the brightest lights you can find and I feel you did this on purpose; just to annoy me!" Oh GOD I was so pissed at her.

Her English was so bad that she didn't understand me at all so I had to repeat myself like 3 times. I asked her "I know I'm forbidden at night to sleep but what in my health is so bad that I am not allowed to sleep?" What good is this doing me to not allow me to sleep? What are you guys doing to me? I went off and just lost it. I just wanted to know why am not allowed to sleep; why do I have to keep getting woken up? I had just had my vitals taken just before I went on my 15 minute walk; so it had to have been like 40 minutes later. I just wanted some peace and quiet and to sleep and why am constantly getting woken up? "Can you please just give me 3 hours of peace and quiet at some point today? "I would very much like to sleep and "Please"? "Can I please, please, please get some sleep, some peace and quiet? Can you please just leave me alone so that I can do that?" I lost it but I did apologize to her and tell her "I know you are just doing your job but for me this is really annoying and I don't see why my vitals have to be taken so incredibly often; can you please just lay off for just a few hours so that I can at least sleep?"

Getting all worked up worked up did nothing for me to even attempt to go back to sleep. I was completely out and just totally pissed off. Don't get me wrong, I am a very good person with a heart of gold, I would give the shirt off my back to help anyone in need but if I don't my sleep, I can turn into a seriously mean ass bitch. I guess I just can't handle doing with out my sleep. I don't feel that asking for sleep is like asking for all the gold in the world and that's exactly what it has been seeming like lately. Sleep for me now is exactly like gold. If I can get it; I'm totally happy; if not I guess I'm just a bitch. "Oh please don't let Jayne have her sleep; she might die in her sleep if she does."

It was such a good thing that my friend Amy stopped by today. Check out these beautiful flowers in the cute little vase she got me. We picked the rosemary from the garden. I was so happy to see her. She had stopped by last night and what really touched my heart is that she drove all the way from Santa Barbara just to see me; just to see little old me!)

She sure cheered me up and it was so nice to be able to spend the rest of the day with her. It was such a nice girly day!) We mostly sat in my room talking about old times and about the way things used to be in each of our lives; all the traumas and things that we have both gone through and that has strengthened us and made us each stronger women. Neither of us have kids and nor do we ever plan to; our ideal kids are our pets and I guess that's what makes our friendship so special. It helped quite a bit to talk and get feelings out that I guess I had held in for all these years; yes we even cried together.

It was such a good visit; Amy and I had not always been close but this visit really opened my eyes and heart to her even more. This is just another example of how cancer changes your life so much and how you see the people in your life. I have also lost touch with many whom I thought were good friends but then when they found out I had cancer; they wanted nothing more to do with me. Maybe I will see them again in the future or maybe not. It doesn't really hurt my feelings that much but I'm glad that I now know who my true friends are in life.

We decided to go on a walk for a little bit but I want to first get rid of this stupid Foley Catheter before going on a walk; I couldn't imagine walking and then having to sit down with that stupid thing up my puss; I just didn't want to try walk again with it in. Its not at all comfy so I called my sweet nurse Ershod (he really is a great nurse) to come and take it out. I pushed the call button and he came practically right away. It think he maybe one of the best nurses at arriving faster than most nurses.

What an awkward procedure; I was a little bit shy of him having to see my little puss but I really wanted that thing out; puss or no puss. I had to take a deep breath and breath out as it came out. Wheeewwww, that was a tad bit uncomfy! I thought it would hurt far worse but thankfully it was gone. Me and Amy clapped our hands in joy and I was so incredibly relieved. We could now go on our walk! Yippee!

We decided to go outside for a little walk in the Rosemary garden. It was so nice and peaceful to be able to sit outside to relax and to talk some more. That's one thing about us is that we never ever run out of things to talk about. I'm so happy for her that she has finally found the love of her life. He seems like such a great guy with a heart of gold. I can't wait to meet him. We both have great men to be proud of and that will stand by our sides no matter what; excellent me who love us no matter what.

It was finally time to go back inside (my IV battery was beeping and about to die), so we went inside my room and talked some more. Not long after, she finally got to meet my sweet little Blue Belle.

I wished I would have thought to take a photo of both of them together; but instead I have this shocking photo of my newest scar. See, I finally got the bandage removed from my surgery so that you can see all 14 staples. It's so trippy that the cut is just above my belly button. I'm so glad that it is because I was afraid that I have finally lost beloved little belly button. I know of so many woman who have already lost theirs and despite all the cuts and scars on my belly button (it's been cut there 5 times), it's still a pretty and cute little belly button that I will proudly sport in a bikini. I guess I'm kinda sick that way in that I don't mind showing off my battle wounds. I'm so proud of my self that I have survived so much. I just want the world to see just how tough I am and that if they too get diagnosed with this dreadful disease; they too can fight it as I have; stand strong, stand tough and beat it!) If you have that self determined will to live; you can beat it.

I also accredit medical cannabis for my prolonged survival. So dam you politicians who are dumb enough to think that this incredibly miracle plant has no medical value; Dam you! Yes, I'm not a big fan of stupid greedy, dishonest politicians who have never walked in my shoes and feel they must decide what is best for me and that they have a right to end my life just like that.

This plant has helped sustain me and has kept me alive in so many ways. Even though I am not on it now; I will be when I return home to get stronger and stronger. I will utilize this wonderful plant in order to help stimulate my appetite, keep me hydrated and of course help me with much needed pain relief.

Well tonight after I got my new bag of milk food, I am now getting a bag of blood; yes a blood transfusion was needed from this surgery. I had been loosing some color in my skin, my energy wasn't so good and of course the lack of sleep I'm sure had something to do with a lot of this. They had to unhook my PCA pump for pain for a whole 3 hours and in case I do get any pain, I will have to take a shot in my ass of morphine. It was either that or get another IV in my left arm which is totally and completely out of the question. I'm tough, I can handle 3 hours with out pain meds and if not, get that shot in my ass!)

As for tonight's plan, I was able to talk with a head nurse about adding some sleep to my schedule. (Sorry you have had to read on and on and on about my bitchiness and my stupid complaining about the dam sleep). Well I get to sleep uninterrupted tonight from 12am - 4am!) I'm so stoked! I will have to make sure that I take something to sleep since I can't sleep all by myself with out anything. Peace and love to all and more updates to come!)

Gastric Bypass Surgery Update....

I will start with my day yesterday of waiting and waiting and waiting. I did get to go outside at around 2pm and sit outside and relax in the sunshine in a very beautiful Rosemary garden. I have to admit I was terrified of this surgery and honestly afraid that I might not be so lucky and not wake up. That's such a terrible thing to think but I just couldn't help it. I think it helped me to just sit outside in that garden and cry my eyes out. You can kind of tell I'm crying in this photo or see tears on my cheeks. It's kind of weird how photos of me outside, makes me appear that I don't have any eyebrows? I'm wearing absolutely no makeup but yet I look as if I am wearing heavy makeup? That just shows how unphotogenic I can be at times. I wanted to capture the reality here of just how frightened I was and I feel that I did just that.

As I was walking back inside from this little garden; I came upon a meditation room which I stopped inside and found a very nice woman named Terry. We talked and it really relaxed me just a little bit more for this surgery and I was just starting to ease my fears. The room was dimly lit and it was very relaxing. I told her my whole story which usually doesn't take too long and of course my fear and anxieties of what I would be facing in a few short hours. What a sweet lady to make me feel so brave. When I was done, I continued on to my room and lied down in my bed. My husband arrived shortly after and we got to take a nice little nap together from 2:30 - 4:30pm.

We were told that someone would be sure come and get us between 2:30pm to 3:30pm. I kept getting more and more abdominal pain and had to have my TPN changed once again. I thought they had turned it off and wasn't using it and actually got behind in administering my pain medications. My honey slept through it all and finally at around 4:45pm, someone came to get me and take me to my surgery and I got to go in my bed. How relaxing is that? I got to take my teddybear that my honey got me too! We went into the presurgical waiting room and I was in room number 6; for my surgery number 6. Wow! We must have waited for nearly an hour before it was time for me to get wheeled in for surgery. Oh God I was scared!

I kissed my honey good bye and then went on into the surgery room. I was moved onto the surgery table and told to take off my pants and panties which I was pretty bummed about but I guess needed to get that catheter inserted for peeing. I sat there and then all of a sudden the oxigen mask was put on me and wham I was out like a light.

I awoke in the worst pain ever at around 10:30pm. I was so happy that I survived when I woke up, but dam was in serious, serious, serious pain.. I literally felt as if I had been hit by a bus and dragged for about 10 miles. My pain level felt like it was a 20 on a pain scale of 1-10. OMG it was bad.

It seemed that I had to sit in POST OP for ever and the male nurses were ever so annoyed with me. I was such a stupid bitch to them I'm sure as they tried to get me to shut the hell up on the pain. Stop being such a wimp was the vibe I kept getting from them and they had to keep on telling me; "You have to breath, breath", they couldn't do anything at all for my pain and they kept yelling at me to keep pushing my button on my TPN which wasn't doing a damn thing as far as I was concerned.

God I'm such a fake on the pain and I was just shocked they would treat me that way. They always seem to be that way in Post Op. Not sure why; maybe they have no idea what it's like to get gutted like fish. I was crying and hurting like hell and totally miserable. I could barely breath for the pain; it was so incredibly painful. I wanted to be knocked out more than anything so that I didn't have to feel that pain. Oh GOD it was the worst! I could barely talk and of course having an NG tube, catheter, and that blood JP thingy. It was all back to me from last time.

Here we go again! Another healing adventure for me. The pain has finally subsided some but it still hurts like hell. I still feel like a gutted fish but it's not as bad as before. I couldn't move at all and could barely talk. I called me mother and father at around 2am - 2:30am of which it was 5am for my mom and 4am for my dad. They were just happy as hell to hear from me. I don't think I sounded so good but I was crying and happy as hell to hear their voices. Just wanted to let them know that I survived the surgery.

Around 6am this morning 3 of the doctors on the team had come in to tell me that the surgery was a success and that they were able to do what they had planned to do. On another note, my husband just told me that he had spoken with my oncologist and that a fair amount of the cancer had returned and he would like to slam me with some of the heavy duty chemo and /or radiation. This discourages and scares the living hell out of me. I'm scared shitless but I definitely am not ready to give up but this is the last time that my doctor wishes to work on me. It almost seems like I have a limited amount of time left and I pray this is not the case. Maybe all of this chemo will be the answer for me and we can find a cure. What ever it may be; I will be sure to enjoy every day as a gift and that is something we all should do.

What touched my heart just a few days ago while talking on Facebook with my sister in law was this video that reminded her very much of my husband and I as we battle our monster today. I feel we also dance very beautiful together. This is a representation of breast cancer. Perhaps my husband and I can one day do one for Ovarian Cancer!)

Back in the Hospital....

Hopefully this post won't be too confusing although these last couple of days have been at least somewhat exciting. Well I had been out getting exercise (riding my bike and walking) and even getting some sunshine in hopes of healing. Each time involved taking Miss Blue Belle out for a walk or a romp with her best friend "Tess" the Yorkie.

I had also been forcing myself to eat as much as I can (smoking pot to gain some appetite on a very, very nauseated system). I was also experiencing some painful bowel blockages (which had started on Monday) but nothing some little suppositories or a Sitz bath couldn't solve. I was able to relieve myself but the food just seemed to be staying in my stomach much longer or at least it seemed. For some reason my stomach would get very, very full after just eating only a few bites. It would get downright painful and feel as if it were going to burst; so I would smoke some pot to get rid of that horrible pain; it worked like a charm each time.

Well Wednesday, I did write my doctor and then an email bounce back that he is out of town until the 19th(I didn't get the email until the next day) so I email two other doctors; my primary doctor and the GI doctor on Thursday. I didn't get an email from either of them until later in the evening. The GI doctor suggested that I go to ER and then my Primary Doctor of course agreed with him. I just didn't feel quite that bad; I just wanted to see a doctor first prior to going through all of that.

On Thursday, I made it my mission to try and gain some weight (I've been trying to for weeks). I wanted so bad to get on that scale and see that I weighed at least 117lbs. I have to admit that I smoked pot most of the day (before and after a meal) and also munched out all day long until around 7pm. I was so proud of my feat and that I ate more than I normally eat!) I was happy until the pain started.

All that food had not moved past my stomach and I was burping most of the day (nasty tasting burps) and these burps would normally have made me loose my appetite completely. Smoking pot just made me hungry and more able to stomach most foods. I just wanted to munch!)

OK back to 7pm; I started getting sick and very nauseated. The puking started at around 9pm and it was very thick heavy vomit; in fact as I was leaning over the toilet; the vomit was so thick and heavy that it bounced out of the toilet and right into my eye!( Ewwwwwwwww; I have puke in my eye to deal with and it burned too!( How horribly disgusting that was! It was an eye opener for sure! God I have to deal with so many disgusting issues with this disease!

Anyway I puked most of the night on Thursday; all that hard work of trying to gain weight and now my poor tummy was cramping in the worst way. I was in severe pain! I had to take some strong pain medications that my doctor had given me for times like these. I was thankful to have those strong pain medications on hand because we may have rushed right to the emergency room for some morphine. It was that painful; but we delt with it. It was such a miserable night; but I did eventually get to sleep for a few hours anyway. I also decided to stop taking those chemo pills because I felt those might be making the tumors bigger and causing me some major GI problems. Thursday was my first night without taking those chemo pills.

On Friday morning I called the Advice Nurse and made an appointment to see my Primary Doctor at 3pm. No more playing around; food is not going through my system for a reason and this could kill me. I also weighed in at 107lbs and that completely frightened me; but despite all of that I did get to go have a nice romantic lunch with my husband at noon and we also got to stroll through an air conditioned mall window shopping and just holding hands and enjoying the time spent together. I did warn him of my pending doctor appointment and the possibility that might have to go the ER. He didn't like this, but what else can we do? He's still there for me always and that's more than I could ever ask for!)

After I dropped him off at his job, I then drove myself straight home and took a nap just prior to going to my doctor appointment. I didn't have to wait for too long in that busy waiting room. The doctor was able to at least examine me and he was very surprised at how loud my intestines were churning, and then I also showed him the horrid looking bumps (tumors) on top of my rib cage, and after hearing all that has been going on (puking); he decided that my very best option was for me to just go straight to ER. I was pretty bummed. There wasn't really anything he could do with out an x-ray or a CAT scan.

After our meeting I walked straight over to the ER and went through the entire 9 hour process of waiting and moving from one waiting room back to the other and then back to another until I got a room. Friday night in the Emergency Room; it was quite busy and so many people sick and coughing and I was so worried that I was going to catch that Swine Flu.

I ended up sitting right across from this really sad old woman. She just stared right into my eyes and I could see and be so familiar with her pain; I've been there but there was no way of her knowing that. To her; I looked quite healthy. She was sitting in one of those uncomfortable temp wheel chairs and wearing one of those ugly hospital gowns; she had an NG tube and a pee bag. I just knew that I just might end up in her shoes during this hospital stay. I prayed "Please NO NG tube!". It was definitely a possibility for relieving much of the pressure inside my abdomen. I sure felt for this old woman; I smiled at her but her face was motionless.

I finally got a temp room at around 9pm where I sat for another couple of hours to talk with doctors. I was able to get an x-ray just prior to getting that temp room where I was seated in a gurney in the hallway just waiting for a room. The young man that wheeled me over to x-ray was himself a testicular cancer survivor. He was very lucky and had found his lump early and it was fluke that he even found it. He was successfully treated with only 3 chemo treatments. Two years later his scans are still clean; more power to him!)

When we got back I had 4 nurses try desperately to find a vein for my IV and to get lots of blood samples (it looked to me like lots of little bottles to fill). I must have gotten poked and prodded about 10 times before one finally found a vein close to my elbow. Who would have known? It sure was painful and I cried when they were poking around on the veins with lots of scar tissue. It was downright painful. I was so thankful the nurse found that vein but she wasn't able to get any blood drawn so they had to call up for a real Phlebotomist from the Lab. He was good and was able to fill up most of those vials. Oh god I hate needles!

I also had to have tons of sticky little things all over my body for an EKG? My heart is actually in great shape considering. See I do have a good heart!) But I got so much sticky crap all over me and lots and lots of wires hanging off of me; along with those snaps and stuff.

My honey had arrived shortly at 9:30pm and I told him to take his time; I didn't feel we should both be in complete misery waiting around and waiting around. He needed to eat his dinner and take the dog out and get other things done prior to hanging out with me in the emergency room. He tried to lie down on the gurney with me but I had so many wires hanging out of my ugly hospital gown. I had never seen myself like this before. It must be new that they check my heart rate and all the stuff. We did get to take a little nap together as we waited to hear from a doctor.

The doctor did finally come up to see me just after 10pm and he showed us the x-ray and where the block was. He said there were some pockets of gas and fecal matter; and despite only eating at noon; my stomach was surprisingly very full; in all a block is not so good for me. He actually gave me a choice of if I wanted the NG now or later. I said later and I was thrilled to have that painful thing in my nostril. After we talked with this doctor my honey did leave around 11:30pm and I told him I would text him with the room number. I didn't have any service inside this particular temp. room.

I finally got to see an OBGYN doctor at around 12:30pm and she decided formally that I should be admitted so that we could watch to see if the block can resolve on it's own. She felt I didn't need the NG tube unless I started vomiting out of control and I was thrilled. I got to take pain medication rather than that stupid NG I was really hoping that I would get to go home but 10 times out of 10 I get admitted. There is just no way around it. I did finally get to go to my room finally at around 2:30am. I was given pain medications and Benadryl and slept about as good as could with nurses coming in at all hours to take blood, take vitals, and so on. It does suck to be waken up at 4am to get stuck with a needle on my left arm since the IV was in my right. It took her a few times to try to find a vein and I was so thankful when she did. Getting a needle stuck in left arm is not at all fun. There's just no working veins in that arm at all. That 1st round of chemo just destroyed them all!

I got to sleep most of the day and of course I am still blocked and dealing with some nausea. We are working on the block by NPO (no food or drink), just fluids via IV and suppositories. I did have a very, very painful spasm episode this morning and I thank GOD that I didn't puke. I almost did, but thankfully I did not. I've been getting Dilaudid for pain intravenously and it's working great for the pain but hopefully this little block will work it's way out and I can go home soon.

My honey did stop by with Blue Belle and of course my beloved computer. My poor iPhone was nearly dead as I had to use it heavily. I talked with both my parents most of the morning just letting them know that I'm OK and working on healing. I did try to post a comment on my last post from my iPhone just to let you all know that I'm OK and I'm in the hospital. I kept getting that warning that my phone is out of juice and I did feel guilty still having to use it despite that; but its a good little phone to not have died completely as many of my other phones have done to me. I thought that was amazing.

I'm making the most of being stuck here and hopefully I will heal this week and I hope I will be able to return to work a week from Monday. I'm looking forward to it. I still need to gain quite a bit of weight but there is still that chance I won't be able to return this soon. I can't believe it is 4 months later and I'm still not healed. It still puzzles me but I am going to do all that I can this week so that I can return to work. I have a feeling my doctor is going to have to extend my disability because of this little hospital stint. We will see.. I sure hope I heal much sooner! Here's to a miracle!)