A Nightmare Return to the Hospital..

Well I spent all night long in the ER dealing with trying to get medicated in time for the pain waves to start and then finally at 6:30am I am was finally taken to my room on the 4th floor; an area where nurses are assigned patients at a rate of 1 nurse per 5 patients where as before it was only 2-3 patients on the 2nd floor. I had the slowest nurse on the planet and not at all the brightest; she meant well but she did not at all understand or comprehend that I was indeed suffering in the highest levels of pain. I guess she just thought that I was just some psychotic drug addict and was screaming because I needed drugs.

I remember screaming and crying in my room screaming for help and no call button to be seen. I was very lucky to have a roommate who was able to call a nurse to help me get a puke bucket and nothing else. All of a sudden I puked out a bunch of green shit and it just kept coming in waves; my insides were feeling as if they were being torn and ripped up; I almost felt as if I had ripped a staple; puke was even coming out of my nose and I could not breath; more puke was coming as as the puke was coming out of my mouth I yelled "Help! Help! Please help me!" I was so scared and I thought I was dying from such severe pain. My stomach was cramping like no other and tears were just streaming down my eyes. It had already been over half hour with out anything for pain.

My nurse finally came in with very disheveled hair kind of brushed all over the place; she looked like an older Chinese woman; she appeared in shock after I showed her my stomach which was swelled up and had multiple staples going down my stomach and I asked if she could please examine them in case some had ripped out.

I think it freaked her out and she hurried out of the room; she didn't want to see me any more; I guess she wanted to just let me die in peace. I was hoping and praying that she was going to call the doctor on call to get me something for pain but nothing at all from this nurse. She tried her best to forget that I even existed even as I yelled and screamed in pain. It was like it must have been like normal times on the 4th floor of Kaiser Hospital, Santa Clara; that one loud patient that is often ignored; no matter how loud their pleas for help must be.

I finally found the call button and kept calling her for pain meds and each time she came in; she told me that the doctor had in the computer that I was to be on a PCN and we had to wait for the pharmacy to get that unit ready. Nothing could be done; she didn't have the ability to call the doctor for more meds; she was too busy to do that. She acted just like it would be like 2 minutes more of waiting each time; "it's on the way!" she would tell me. She didn't tell me that it would be another 3 hours of waiting and in the mean time I begged her to just get me some form a pain shot; anything to stop this pain. It was a 10 and I was suffering needlessly. The whole time I was suffering in this pain; I was trying so hard to breath and to stay alive because it really seemed that death was right around the corner. I wanted to do everything I could to survive this horrible pain. I called the operator, then patient relations to see if I still had health insurance. I was so desparate. Nothing at all could be done to help me because I was just a number to all of them; I even tried to call OBGYN Oncology just prior to 9am when the pain had gotten even worse. It was about a 12 and I could barely talk on the phone; I pleaded with the nurse on the phone to please send me a doctor that could help me.

As far as I was concerned; I was going through some cruel and unusual punishment for a patient to have to endure. I hope to GOD that Obama's Healthcare bill passes so that I can have more options for treatments and that things change from the way that they are. I can see as a patient areas needed for change; where patients are treated as Medical Record Numbers and not as actual breathing life. I really do hope it does pass for my life's sake and I'm sure countless others. I am not a huge fan of the misinformation campaign that is going on from these Health Insurance Companies that are fighting tooth and nail and using their all mighty power of the dollar to misinform the public about this Health Plan. This is a very good plan and great start needed for America.

I have this small feeling in the bottom of my heart that this HMO set up might just be waiting for me to kick the bucket and that sounds bad but it could just be what is happening to me right now and that really is a reality. I'm a burden on the system and I know this because of my pre-existing condition and chronic condition. I pray that my life is worth saving. What they don't know if what a fighter I am and I will fight tooth and nail to stay alive; I'm young and I will do everything in my power to survive this; I don't care how much pain I have to endure; I have so much to live for and so much to give to this huge world.

Well back to getting to my room; my nurse was treating me just like I was inside that computer and not just sitting here crying and screaming in pain. My level far exceeded a 10 and to make me suffer for 3 and half hours in pain while she was waiting for a box; I pleaded and begged her or anyone to just PLEASE give me a shot of morphine or something just to get rid of the pain right now rather than to have me wait for them to set up the box and of course the Pharmacy was taking a long time to get the box. It was hours before that box would even arrive and no one was willing to help me simply because in the computer the doctor had order a PCN for me to manage the pain. Well the trouble was no PCN and it wouldn't be one for many hours to come. I had suffer all those hours.

My eyes were literally rolling back in my head at this point and my poor room mate (same woman from downstairs in ER) was completely worried about me. She was shocked that nothing was being done for my pain. I kept calling the nurse and each time she would reply; the pain medication is on the way. I even got myself out of bed and tried to collapse in the hallway just to get some attention and this didn't even phase anyone on this floor. One nurse came over and helped me back to my bed as I pleaded with her to please call a doctor so that I could please get some relief from this extreme pain.

I was suffering in what I felt was cruel and unusual punishment to be going through that kind of pain and nothing to be done about it at all for several hours. I was amazed; not a care in the world about my pain. the box finally arrived just after 10am it took about 1/2 an hour for those nurses to figure out how to set it up in the mean time I was crying and going into convulsions from the extreme pain I was in. I was ready to pass out at this moment; tears were streaming down my face as it felt as if my intestines were being blown up.

Finally the box was hooked up and about 15 minutes later I was able to get my pain level under control; I was so happy. The forgetful nurse had to be reminded at least 4 times for everything that I needed.

My doctor finally made it to my room after 11 am when I had to go to the restroom pushing 3 different IV poles which was very hard in my condition. I made it though and one of the nurses was helping me to try to get rid of items not needed and consolidate everything onto one pole instead of 3.

My doctor informed me that according to the CAT scan I had taken earlier in the morning while in ER; my intestines were indeed very inflamed and he felt that the pain meds were simply not being absorbed into my system and therefore that is the reason that the pain was just out of control. Our goal for this stay; I have to be able to eat, shit, fart, and have the pain under control which should only take a few more days of being in here. I didn't get to tell him of the hell I had gone through this morning and I had forgotten to tell him to call my husband who just happened to be very ticked about me going home so early while I was in so much pain. It was as if they were in a hurry to get rid of me. He decided that he would put me on a pain patch and some liquid morphine to better control the pain. I would also be taking a suppository later on to hopefully wake-up my bowels. He told me that he would also put Ativan on my list of drugs to be able to have access to or to have a constant order for as needed.

Well I took the the Suppository about an hour later and then of course the muscle spasms began at around 1:45pm. I told my forgettful nurse Helen that I needed to get an Ativan to control the spasms and she insisted that I push the button on my PCA pump. That was not the case at all. I was having muscle spasms and it was just like talking to a brick wall in order to get the Ativan. She ignored the order that was already in the computer and insisted on calling my doctor first rather than pay attention to what was already in the computer. She finally got in touch with my doctor at around 4pm after I had been suffering in horrible horrible pain. To be quite honest; my poor butthole has been sliced, diced, staples, sewed and is full of scar tissue and the muscle spasms get to be so incredibly painful that I can barely stand it. I kept having to run to the bathroom and sometimes it felt as if I were ripping apart stitches inside me as the uncontrollable spasms continues. Here we go again, with this slow ass nurse.

Finally at 4:30pm the pharmacy had my Ativan ready after over 2 hours of agony. I kept pleading with her all those hours to please follow the order that was already in the computer but since I was just a dumb patient and a crazy drug addict; I didn't know anything. Hell I'm just a medical record number. I was just acting like I was in pain. Un-freaking believable! I couldn't believe this woman; just allowing me to suffer in pain like this needlessly. I tried hard to call other doctors while she was slow about calling mine. I needed help and I didn't get it when I needed it. It was absolutely rediculous to have to happen again.

My poor roommate had to put up with quite a bit from me and could barely get any sleep from my screaming and crying and I really felt bad about that. I continued to appologize to her and she totally understood my side of the story and was shocked herself that I was allowed to suffer in such extreme pain for so long. It was ridiculous.

It was around lunchtime when my sweet neighbor Sharon came by to visit me and make me feel much better. I was also happy to be talking with a very sweet roommate who happened to be very compassionate and understanding. While we both had very different diseases; we both had to be on chemo like drugs to keep us alive. Sharon had told me that her son had seen the ambulance taking me last night and was worried all night about me. I was doing much better and the pain was finally under control. She first asked me if there was anything she could get me and I did tell her that I didn't have good TP and she promised that she would give me the best pedicure ever tomorrow. I can't wait! What wonderful friends to be thankful for and I'm so glad I faught so hard to live through my ordeal. It really did almost seem as if I were going to die and faught hard the whole time. I have to live in the moment and be thankful for right now and I am. I'm very thankful for all the love I have in my life right now from so many.

Well I paid Ann back somewhat for my troubles; well Jimmy did. He brought in Miss Blue Belle to cheer us all up. Blue Belle was the perfect therapy for such a rough, rough day. I petted her and loved on and so did Ann my roommate. She just lost herself in Blue Belle's soft fur and Miss Blue Belle gave her infamous smile and lots of Blue Belle kisses. Sorry I don't have any photos of this union; didn't have my camera, phone or computer all day long and at that point they were still in the truck. I was so happy my honey remembered to bring what he did to make me feel more comforable during my stay here. How lucky I am to have him in my life. I'm thankful every moment to have him. He was very mad the entire time I was in so much pain. I didn't call him much throughout the ordeal so that I didn't stress him while he was at work. It was already stressful enough, but thank you GOD for getting me through all of that! I was not thankful to have to endure so much pain and I have to admit I did get mad at GOD quite a bit for making me suffer for long. I just didn't understand why it was happening, but it's over now! I made it!)

My husband couldn't stay too long but later on called me back on Skype and we continued to talk about the day and how lucky I am to be alive, how much life is worth fighting for and of course professing our love for one another. We must tell each other that we love each other at least 10 times per day. I can't help it; he is the love of my life and I so happy and very, very grateful to have found him.

A Miserable existence.....for now...

I have been suffering from the extreme effects of this surgery these last couple of days. It sure as hell hasn't been easy and that's a total understatement. I still have yet to get a full (in over 4 nights) night's sleeps and this has been taking a toll on me quite a bit. I'm surely sweet Jayne all the way and now I have been bitch Jayne.

I have only been able to take maybe 20 - 30 minutes naps all night long because my vitals have to be taken every hour on the hour because of being on the PCA pump for pain. This is the reason I am unable to sleep at all throughout the night; I'm simply not allowed to or at least that's what it seems. I have to be awakened no matter what and have my vitals (blood pressure, oxygen, and temperature) taken every hour on the hour even though nothing seems to change at all in any of them. How incredibly annoying is this? I really do need to sleep or at least I thought that one should be able to for at least 5-6 hours with out being interrupted; but NO! NO! NO!, not here at Kaiser, I have to have those vitals taken every single hour.

Oh and the lights must be bright, bright, and very bright; so much so that they must be taken when I am fully awakened. OK it sucks donkey shit and every kind of shit there is. I still can't get over that I am not allowed to get a full nights sleep here but if I want to be rid of pain; I have be awakened no matter what.

During one of my 20 minute naps I awoke dreaming that I was making my honey his morning cup of coffee, then his travel mug of coffee, his peanut butter and jelly sandwich and of course the rest of his lunch. How I do miss being at home, being helpful and just doing all the things that shows him just how much I really do love him and of course all those little ways of showing him exactly how much I love him; that I appreciate him more than anything in the world and that I'm extremely blessed to have the most wonderful man on earth. I can't wait to go home. I was pissed off to get awoke from a dream like that!

Well today, I had a huge day of progress. It started out totally and completely miserable with me being totally angry with all the nurses that kept on waking me up all through out the night; I would finally get to sleep and then I was awakened for my temperature taking, that stupid sweaty blood pressure thingy and that stupid finger thingy that measures my oxygen. How necessary is it to have to do this every hour on the hour and sometimes I know it was taken every half hour at times. What the hell? I must have been awoken at least 20-30 times. I was so pissed off and angry for not getting any sleep. No one would allow me to sleep!(

OK back to my progress; I was sweaty and miserable in my bed, hurting and not at all feeling all that great; I felt like total shit; I was grumpy as hell for being awoken all night long, my throat hurt from the stupid NG tube, the pee hole bag was really starting to annoy me and I wanted it out right away. Then there are those little foam baggy velcro things that wrapped around my leg; well those were really itching my leg (those things help for circulation). I was so incredibly uncomfortable and a total freaking mess and I must have been a total head case too being with out so much sleep in so many days.

A nice nurse came in a few minutes later to help me get out of bed ad get seated in the bathroom so that I could give myself a good little washcloth bath, then change into my gown. While I was washing myself off, she changed my bed. After I was dressed, I decided to get up and go for a t walk in hopes that the Foley Catheter would be removed. I walked a full 2 laps around my hospital floor at around 11:30am. I felt accomplished at least and was able to get some help so that I could climb back into my clean bed and try to attempt to get some sleep.

After I was just a few seconds from REM sleep, in walked a nurse to check my vitals. That stupid little cart was the last thing I wanted to see. She turned on the brightest of the bright lights and I was totally floored more than anything, I felt exactly like grabbing that whole little cart and just tossing it out of my room into a million pieces. I so wanted to do that. I was totally and completely pissed off at her. What the FUCK I thought to myself. "What the FUCK!" I was almost there! I literally was almost completely asleep and then I was robbed of that relaxation moment of sleep; the most important one; having a good dream with my honey on vacation. Well I put up with her shit and then just gave up on trying to sleep anyway. I must have made her feel like shit but she was only doing her job. I asked her; "am I the patient who is not allowed to sleep?" "Am I just not allowed to sleep at all here?". "What the hell? I have not slept in 4 days and I was just about there; you didn't even knock; you just turn on the brightest lights you can find and I feel you did this on purpose; just to annoy me!" Oh GOD I was so pissed at her.

Her English was so bad that she didn't understand me at all so I had to repeat myself like 3 times. I asked her "I know I'm forbidden at night to sleep but what in my health is so bad that I am not allowed to sleep?" What good is this doing me to not allow me to sleep? What are you guys doing to me? I went off and just lost it. I just wanted to know why am not allowed to sleep; why do I have to keep getting woken up? I had just had my vitals taken just before I went on my 15 minute walk; so it had to have been like 40 minutes later. I just wanted some peace and quiet and to sleep and why am constantly getting woken up? "Can you please just give me 3 hours of peace and quiet at some point today? "I would very much like to sleep and "Please"? "Can I please, please, please get some sleep, some peace and quiet? Can you please just leave me alone so that I can do that?" I lost it but I did apologize to her and tell her "I know you are just doing your job but for me this is really annoying and I don't see why my vitals have to be taken so incredibly often; can you please just lay off for just a few hours so that I can at least sleep?"

Getting all worked up worked up did nothing for me to even attempt to go back to sleep. I was completely out and just totally pissed off. Don't get me wrong, I am a very good person with a heart of gold, I would give the shirt off my back to help anyone in need but if I don't my sleep, I can turn into a seriously mean ass bitch. I guess I just can't handle doing with out my sleep. I don't feel that asking for sleep is like asking for all the gold in the world and that's exactly what it has been seeming like lately. Sleep for me now is exactly like gold. If I can get it; I'm totally happy; if not I guess I'm just a bitch. "Oh please don't let Jayne have her sleep; she might die in her sleep if she does."

It was such a good thing that my friend Amy stopped by today. Check out these beautiful flowers in the cute little vase she got me. We picked the rosemary from the garden. I was so happy to see her. She had stopped by last night and what really touched my heart is that she drove all the way from Santa Barbara just to see me; just to see little old me!)

She sure cheered me up and it was so nice to be able to spend the rest of the day with her. It was such a nice girly day!) We mostly sat in my room talking about old times and about the way things used to be in each of our lives; all the traumas and things that we have both gone through and that has strengthened us and made us each stronger women. Neither of us have kids and nor do we ever plan to; our ideal kids are our pets and I guess that's what makes our friendship so special. It helped quite a bit to talk and get feelings out that I guess I had held in for all these years; yes we even cried together.

It was such a good visit; Amy and I had not always been close but this visit really opened my eyes and heart to her even more. This is just another example of how cancer changes your life so much and how you see the people in your life. I have also lost touch with many whom I thought were good friends but then when they found out I had cancer; they wanted nothing more to do with me. Maybe I will see them again in the future or maybe not. It doesn't really hurt my feelings that much but I'm glad that I now know who my true friends are in life.

We decided to go on a walk for a little bit but I want to first get rid of this stupid Foley Catheter before going on a walk; I couldn't imagine walking and then having to sit down with that stupid thing up my puss; I just didn't want to try walk again with it in. Its not at all comfy so I called my sweet nurse Ershod (he really is a great nurse) to come and take it out. I pushed the call button and he came practically right away. It think he maybe one of the best nurses at arriving faster than most nurses.

What an awkward procedure; I was a little bit shy of him having to see my little puss but I really wanted that thing out; puss or no puss. I had to take a deep breath and breath out as it came out. Wheeewwww, that was a tad bit uncomfy! I thought it would hurt far worse but thankfully it was gone. Me and Amy clapped our hands in joy and I was so incredibly relieved. We could now go on our walk! Yippee!

We decided to go outside for a little walk in the Rosemary garden. It was so nice and peaceful to be able to sit outside to relax and to talk some more. That's one thing about us is that we never ever run out of things to talk about. I'm so happy for her that she has finally found the love of her life. He seems like such a great guy with a heart of gold. I can't wait to meet him. We both have great men to be proud of and that will stand by our sides no matter what; excellent me who love us no matter what.

It was finally time to go back inside (my IV battery was beeping and about to die), so we went inside my room and talked some more. Not long after, she finally got to meet my sweet little Blue Belle.

I wished I would have thought to take a photo of both of them together; but instead I have this shocking photo of my newest scar. See, I finally got the bandage removed from my surgery so that you can see all 14 staples. It's so trippy that the cut is just above my belly button. I'm so glad that it is because I was afraid that I have finally lost beloved little belly button. I know of so many woman who have already lost theirs and despite all the cuts and scars on my belly button (it's been cut there 5 times), it's still a pretty and cute little belly button that I will proudly sport in a bikini. I guess I'm kinda sick that way in that I don't mind showing off my battle wounds. I'm so proud of my self that I have survived so much. I just want the world to see just how tough I am and that if they too get diagnosed with this dreadful disease; they too can fight it as I have; stand strong, stand tough and beat it!) If you have that self determined will to live; you can beat it.

I also accredit medical cannabis for my prolonged survival. So dam you politicians who are dumb enough to think that this incredibly miracle plant has no medical value; Dam you! Yes, I'm not a big fan of stupid greedy, dishonest politicians who have never walked in my shoes and feel they must decide what is best for me and that they have a right to end my life just like that.

This plant has helped sustain me and has kept me alive in so many ways. Even though I am not on it now; I will be when I return home to get stronger and stronger. I will utilize this wonderful plant in order to help stimulate my appetite, keep me hydrated and of course help me with much needed pain relief.

Well tonight after I got my new bag of milk food, I am now getting a bag of blood; yes a blood transfusion was needed from this surgery. I had been loosing some color in my skin, my energy wasn't so good and of course the lack of sleep I'm sure had something to do with a lot of this. They had to unhook my PCA pump for pain for a whole 3 hours and in case I do get any pain, I will have to take a shot in my ass of morphine. It was either that or get another IV in my left arm which is totally and completely out of the question. I'm tough, I can handle 3 hours with out pain meds and if not, get that shot in my ass!)

As for tonight's plan, I was able to talk with a head nurse about adding some sleep to my schedule. (Sorry you have had to read on and on and on about my bitchiness and my stupid complaining about the dam sleep). Well I get to sleep uninterrupted tonight from 12am - 4am!) I'm so stoked! I will have to make sure that I take something to sleep since I can't sleep all by myself with out anything. Peace and love to all and more updates to come!)

The Head Aches of an Epidural....

I was introduced to it like it was ice cream and the old way PCA (Patient Control Analgesia) was so outdated and barely worked as well. The Epidural worked OK the first day but by the second day I got the worst back pain ever on my left side; almost paralyzing and it even took my breath away. I couldn't breath and it was excellent that I was on oxygen.

The day after my surgery went went well except for one thing that could have offered cause for the amount of pain that I had been receiving all week. During the day there were several very, very busy nurses and at lunchtime it had appeared that all had gone to lunch at the very same time. I couldn't move around as much as I wanted to because of these 38 new staples and of course all these tubes sticking out of me and pinching me if they happened to not be controlled. One nurse had come in to check my vitals and had placed me in the chair next to my bed as she changed my bedding. She went into the bathroom to get something and then walked out of the room and told me that she would be right back back.

I was still very drugged up from to surgery and everything but needed some help to get back to my bed. I had this table that I wanted to move to the other side of my bed and I could not approach my bed from the side that I was on because of all wires sticking out of feet and in all I was tangled up. I pushed the nurse button and announced that I needed some help to get to get back to my bed and that there were too many wires in the way. I waited another 10 minutes and had even struggled trying to push the heavy table out of the way so that I could get back into bed. I push the nurses button again and this time I could barely reach it for being tangled and getting that table much further but it was stuck. I told the call nurse to please send someone to help me and she told me that she would. I was indeed very tired and just wished to lie down in my bed. I struggled to hold myself up until the nurse arrived for another 5 minutes or so and finally I awoke with my husband over me scared to death. I must have passed out or fainted because I had ripped the IV clear off my arm. My honey was very pissed and I was very disappointed that my calls for help were simply ignored. My honey feels I could have hurt myself this way instead of the Epidural.

On Tuesday night just after shift change 11pm, that intense back pain returned with out any vengeance for me at all; I cried agonizingly and could not get my breath. It took about 15 minutes of misery to finally get some pain relief. I looked into the eyes of each of those nurses and begged them to please watch the time; particularly at night (it was every 2 hours for the morphine) to be on top of it and to bring me pain medication and not wait until this to happen; to be awakened in extreme pain. Another serious problem I have been having is passing gas and in all my other surgeries; it would always takes sometimes up to a week to pass gas and it's worrisome for me most of the time after a surgery. I almost feel as if my butthole just completely closes because nothing comes out until after that first enema (which is usually days and days later)

One nurse really took to heart what I had said to her for she was on it with my pain meds; I didn't have to worry a bit about this happening again. She even worked on Wednesday night of which my honey spent the night (he spent several nights when he could) and I superbly impressed with her abilities. She really took it serious watching over me which is what a nurse is all about; caring and nurturing for patients.

On Thursday the epidural pain just got worse and I wanted it out in the worst way; also there was appearing to be a waste colored residue coming out of one of my 3 JPs; it was even filling up faster than than the other two. My doctor immediately started me on some more antibiotics and warned me of the possibility of another surgery.

On Thursday night after the night shift shift change I was disappointed that my dedicated nurse was not working. Instead another woman of Chinese descent, very short, with shoulder length unkempt hair; (she looked as if she had just gotten up out of bed and just arrived) her hair was not at all brushed and didn't really look much cleaner than mine (mine had last been washed on Friday) and her skin was very, very oily. I usually like to pay attention to how others pay attention or take pride in themselves and it even shows a respect for others. Maybe not all of us feel this way but while I am in the hospital it seems to just go out the window.

This particular nurse was very quiet spoken and mostly just did what she needed to get by or at least that's how I viewed her. She was kind of rough an inhumane while checking my vitals. For me, I take nurses very seriously. I depend on their care for me and I really do appreciate it; I want to me more than just a medical record number. Anyone who is there to take care of the sick inspires me and I love it if they are there to take care of me when I need it most and I needed it most.

My best friend Nikki had even arrived late in the evening to take care of me and to give my honey a much needed break. . Right when I started to feel pain I asked for relief just to see who would be in charge of handling the relief. This disheveled nurse had arrived at 12pm to give me my 2 hour dose of morphine. She also checked my vitals and also farted all over my room and it was so incredibly stinky and nauseating. I asked "did you just fart in my room?" I asked her point blank because I knew I was completely blocked still (and still am) and of course she denied it and said no. My friend Nikki denied it too and I just let the blame lay on me because the poor girl was already embarrassed.

I finally got to sleep at 1am and by 2:30am I was paralyzed in the worst pain I have ever experienced. Just when I think I have experienced the worst pain; pain can get worse? I couldn't breath and this was indeed a 12 going on 13. I cried and hyperventilated as I called for help. My friend Nikki held my hand and stayed with me until the slob nurse and another nice nurse arrived to help me. I kept thinking "why isn't this other nurse my nurse?". She was very comforting and the slob nurse had arrived with food all over face to give me my medicine. I asked her why she wasn't better prepared and fumbled that all patients must request medicine and I told her that I already did when I told her I didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night like this feeling as if I were about to die. She then told me not to tell her how to do her job; being a little shocked at her response I told her "I'm asking that you please do your job better". I knew then I didn't want her to be my nurse ever and even told the head nurse the next morning to please not let her be my nurse again.

I didn't let it get to me; her immaturity but I hope she grows more as a person and doesn't treat another patient as she had treated me. Some people are lazy in life and they just let it go by them; and you really have to cease moments and grow from them. Don't fight criticism; learn and grow from it. I feel stronger every time I survive what seems impossible. Sure I still got some laughs over her stinking up my room and then blaming me but I couldn't help but tell my mom and family about this.

I thought this was a very interesting photo when I first took it and yes, I will be torturing many of you with disturbing images such as this. Another reason this is an adult only blog. It will be very interesting to see what my belly button will look like once this is all healing.



Today we did get to remove that stupid epidural and it feels so much better to be able to just push a button when I feel pain coming on. As of now, I am still blocked from all of these painkillers and am still unable to pass gas. I got to do an enema and that felt so great to release some of that pressure; I also got a blood transfusion and we are currently watching one of the other JP tubes or contraptions because bowel mixture seemed to be coming out. It's still a time bomb but I'm doing my best and following doctor's orders in hopes I won't need another surgery. More waiting and almost seeming like walking on Pins and needles. I still have hope despite all this and most of all I more prayers are needed!)