Starting Chemo Today ...Things Improving slowly..

Well I had a much better day on Saturday than on Friday; Friday did improve some throughout the day with a visit from my dear sweet neighbor Sharon and just knowing that I had a wonderful roomie who related so well to all that I had been through. Sharon had arrived during her lunch break and shortly after all the terrors of my severe pains and not long after my pain had gotten under control.

I hope this post isn't too confusing; just trying to sum up the days in the best way that I can. Please do check out my beautiful pedicure that I got on Saturday morning thanks so very much to my sweet neighbor Sharon. Aren't my toes just gorgeous? She even added some pretty little flower sticker thingys on them which really added some beautiful detail. They really do look gorgeous and I chose the color teal for Ovarian Cancer; next month after all, is Ovarian Cancer Awareness month.

I got pampered and had wonderful conversations with both Sharon and Ann my sweet roomie for the for first couple of hours after I had woken up (shortly after 11am). Many of the nurses were wanting to line up for a pretty pedicure after I had mine since my toes looked so beautiful. Sharon is so very thoughtful and even got me a gorgeous pair of flip flops which I sported proudly around the halls around 2pm after I had gotten hooked off all the IVs; the PCA pain pump and the TPN Food bag. I was free of IVs for just a few hours! I was so stoked! You would have thought that I had won the lottery. A friend of mine had written to me about flying his planes and I was actually feeling that kind of freedom exactly just being able to roam the halls freely without being attached to any IVs. I will get a few hours each day for a few weeks free of IVs. Pretty exciting for me and still lots to be thankful for.

Miss Blue Belle has been arriving each night to provide me and Ann with wonderful dog therapy for each of us. Yes, why not share my dog with my wonderful sweet roommate who helps me when I need it most. She had helped me quite a bit; starting with my IV pole (it had gotten severely tangled) and helping me to remember to unplug all my IVs when I was having potty emergencies (I was almost peeing in my pants), and of course calling the extremely forgetful nurse numerous times when I was in so much pain on Friday. She did everything she could to try and get the nurse to even consider thinking about saving my life.

Well after all that drama, I felt it was only fair that I shared my dog with her. It was the least I could do; dog therapy really is one of the best medicines there is and when you are in the hospital it makes being there so much better when there is a pretty fluffy dog smiling, kissing, and loving on you unconditionally; no matter how bad you feel. She just has that gift about her where she can do just that.

I tried to watch a movie last night with Ann "Kit Kittredge: An American Girl" and I fell immediately to sleep from beginning to end. It was supposed to be a good movie but I will have to try and watch this one again (perhaps during my chemo). Netflix has decided to deny my affiliate membership because my blog only gets just over 2000 visitors each month and apparently that's just not enough traffic for them. Why must they be so greedy? Why must anyone be greedy? Why can't we all give everyone a chance;? Netflix really needs to spread the love for little blogs such as mine. How harmful am I if I am just sitting in the hospital watching their movies; I'm a loyal paying customer who happens to write about good movies that touch me in the hospital while promoting their company.

I really do have a feeling that this blog will grow with time and they will begin to see what a great customer I am because of having to sit in the hospital and watch movies in order to escape the realities of my horrors in the hospital. Movies have a way of doing that to you. You can just pop one in and be in a totally different world and state of mind. I love the thought of forgetting about having this blasted cancer even if it's just for 2 hours; but that's two hours usually spent laughing and enjoying a good plot line. For now I guess Netflix will just have to jank me for my free advertising for them. You can still get the movie at Blockbuster video and many other places online too. RedBox is another one that is in serious competition and I may have to check that one out.

Well I spoke with my doctor today with my honey via Skype. My doctor was with me in hospital room and the three of us discussed my options. I am starting a chemo drug called Topotecan starting today so look for an update later on today with photos. I have to take the drug intravenously for about an hour drip once a week. There are minimal side effects and I may be expected to loose some of my hair; maybe all; I don't know.

I am saving up my money for my beautiful head tattoo which I am very excited about. We will see how that goes; as it is right now just a dream and not really a reality right now. I always seem to change my mind and I am very gifted with my imagination. I don't always make all of my dreams come true but I do at least try. I may not even loose my hair; the future will always be unclear for me. I just have to enjoy every moment that I get.

If this drug doesn't work; our next line of defense will be a drug called Doxil which I have never tried and the side effects are pretty minimal. The bottom line is that I do need to start chemo right away and to not waste any more time on this disease eating and destroying any more of my insides. This is what is causing so many of my digestive problems. I will also have to be on a very mild diet; back to the BRAT diet (Bananas, Rice, Apple Sauce, and white Toast), smoothies and soft foods. I can do soft pastas as long as they are easy on my tummy and just work my way up.

Here are the chemo drugs that are pumping inside my body and killing those icky cancer cells; let us pray and hope that they are!)

My doctor did mention that with the way that things are going on with my body right now; it is most often a sign that the disease has taken over and that there could be a slight chance that none of the chemo will work and that we might have to plan for hospice care (I cried like a baby) but we are going to be as positive as we possibly can and try our very best to think positively right now that all of this will work. I will even be playing Pac-Man on my iPhone during my treatment. Everything that I can possibly do to make this cancer die!)

I will use the power of my mind to be beat this and become as strong as possible & that this will work, all the prayers from others and so much more combined can kill this monster. My Yoga, Green Tea, eating tons of Blue Berries and everything possible that I can think of that kills cancer; I will do. Here I am in survivor mode doing my best to fight this monster! Life to me is so worth fighting for and I will continue this fight for as long as possible!)

A Major Communication fallout...

Well I didn't mention Saturday that Nurse Eileen came into my room to help assist for a little bit and I mostly gave a her a dirty look. I had no idea why she was still in my room. I told her I didn't want her in my room any more and had even called the head nurse on Thursday just to make sure I didn't get her again. Anyway as I was talking to her, she pretty much ignored what ever I had to say and interrupted me to talk to the other nurse as if I was just an animal making noises in my bed. How rude? . She pretended that nothing had ever happened and acted like she did not hear me talking at all "I guess dumb patients just grunt and moan to her" since that's all she understands of them. I'm glad I didn't see her the rest of the day because it would have pissed me off further.

Sunday was a pretty good day; I was lonesome for part of the day and got to catch up on some sleep and some blogging on one of my other blogs; actually it's Blue Belle's blog. I had started this blog last year sometime in order to have a blog on all the fun things that we do with Blue Belle. I hope to continue this blog and perhaps this one I can try to be more consistent about updating.

I know it's quite insane and kooky at the same time, but Miss Belle will be blogging in the 1st on what its' like to be a Service/ Therapy Dog. I plan to write about all of our adventures and hopefully can get an affiliate membership with ActiveDogs.com. It sure would suck to advertise all of these great (expensive) vests and patches and then not even get a dime profit for doing so and even no discounts since I do purchase from them quite often. I'm blogging /working and sending customers her way and then nothing back in return; even down to paying full price for Blue Belle's own vests and patches seems very unfair. What comes around should go around and I pray they do the right thing. I don't expect much just a little for advertising and writing up blog articles on her vests. I plan to call tomorrow to find out more or if this will even be allowed.

Most of the blog will entail everything needed to train and to get a service dog ready for patients who need them. Blue Belle's experience in how she acts around patients and teaching her the command "No kisses" or "off" so that she doesn't smother or bother a patient. Some patients want kisses and others do not. So much to do and I sure do have the time here in the hospital to do that.

OK enough about the silly blog, I wasn't able to squeeze out any farts and none of the doctors would approve me having a suppository in order to help assist in that process. I would like to thank all of you for your lovely advice, prayers hot air warm thoughts!) on desperately trying so hard to get me pass some wind. That means so much to me! Thank you all from the bottom of my heat! All that love is priceless and no amount of money would ever be worth that!

I didn't sleep at all yesterday or Saturday night because I was suffering from extreme insomnia. The sleeping pills I had been taking for several nights in a row were not at all working; so last night we were on it. At midnight I took some Benedryl and was promised an Ativan in half and hour (12:30am), well that half hour turned into 2 and half hours; I kept buzzing the nurse and getting frustrated with her every half hour; she was busy with another patient and forgot that she should have delegated some of her tasks to some other nurses who looked like they were bored when I walked around earlier. This nurse is such a hard worker but she has no clue how to work with her team and have them help her; delegating work with her. I really needed some sleep and I lost out because of this and her desire to try to do everything.

She had finally come into my room just after 2:30am and I was sitting in my room reading a Michael Jackson article in Rolling Stone magazine. I had the TV off just trying everything possible to get me to sleep. I asked her if they could please hold off as long as possible for drawing my blood since she so terribly late with my medication; more like 7am so that I could sleep. She told me that she had a strict schedule and would try to hold of until 5:30am; I was quite bummed so I said OK. I was able to fall asleep shortly after 3am and then I was awaken shortly before 5am (around 4:55am) for a blood draw and vitals; that was it; I couldn't sleep at all after that so I got up and walked some more laps in the hallway in hopes that I might become so exhausted that maybe I could just come into my room and pass out and fall sound asleep.

I was up and awake so I decided I might as well work on some emails, do some banners for Blue Belle's blog, listen to an audio book, and even walked 10 laps in hopes that I could fall asleep. I was so incredibly grumpy and grouchy. I was finally given another Ativan in hopes that it would work to put me back to sleep for just a few hours and it did work. I feel asleep shortly after 7am.

At around 10am, my doctor came in to my room to check on me. I won't be going home today; maybe in a couple of days; I'm so bummed this visit has grown to be so long. He recommended a suppository and I was elated "Finally"! Finally! These things usually work for me and it did. I was able to fart up a storm; well not a whole lot but I also got to go #2 as well! I was so happy; the pressure on my tummy also subsided so hopefully I am getting better. I have already walked 20 laps around my hospital floor which also seems to be helping especially after taking the suppository.

I almost forgot to mention that my husband wasn't able to visit me yesterday and I was pretty bummed and depressed (I even tried to cry myself to sleep) but it was his short weekend and I am glad that he is able to go out and have some fun; one of us should be able to be out enjoying life and he sure deserves to like no other. He doesn't have to come to this dump (OK it is a state of the art Hospital) every single day. It does suck for me to miss a day of seeing him. I'm such a baby sometimes but I can't help it; I'm in love.

So here are the instructions in troubleshooting our problem of "MY FRIEND CAN'T HEAR ME TALKING; HOW DO I CHECK IF MY MICROPHONE IS WORKING?"

We both installed Skype on both computers at the same time so that we talk to each other and I could finally get to see Tonto who I miss so much. He installed the software on the iMac and me on MacBook Pro. We just kind of just walked each other through the whole process of installing, but it does seem kind of like janky software in that only 1 person could be heard. At first I was the one that was able to hear everything. It was awesome!



So in that paragraph of instructions do you happen to see "Sound Settings" here? I looked everywhere so these instructions are bunk.

"When you are in a call, find the little down arrow beside the call time near the bottom of the call window. Choose Sound Settings..."

We have yet been able to figure out why that is so but we could only talk to each other with our cell phones and we got the very worst back-up noises ever. It kind of squeaked and hurt our ears. I so wanted him to be able to hear me or to go over there and fix it for him; I just knew he had something wrong over there. (I'm a little more technical than he is)

My honey tried to pick up Tonto as he was talking to me on his cell phone and the back-up noise scared the living the living shit out of Tonto. He could hear me but he also heard that horrible eeeekkkeeek noise and he struggled to get free. It looked like he thought that he would going to be shoved inside that computer with me. I got to see the most hilarious facial expressions on that cat and as it was priceless! He scurried out of there! I laughed so hard that I had to grab my Teddy Bear in order to hold my tummy together. He just looked into the direction of the camera like "Why is my mom in there? What the hell did you do with her? Why is she in there and don't you throw me in there too!" It was so funny; his looks were amazingly funny! I wish I would have thought to take a photo of his snobbish face. It was totally priceless!

I want to go home so bad.I have been getting incredibly homesick these last couple of days. I'm also still in a great deal of pain and can feel the pressure of the stitching inside my stomach. I didn't think it would be this painful for so so long. I can't wait until I am pain free; I hope this happens one day. I can handle pain with out meds when the level hits a 6; but beond that; I'm not the bionic woman.

Well the same nurse (Nurse Eileen) returned to my room this morning to help out and I stopped her. I asked her kindly "you know I don't want you to be my nurse anymore; you stressed me out far too much on Thursday and I don't need that kind of drama or a nurse that pure out lies to cover her ass". She interrupted me to tell me she never called security, but I later found out she was the one who did.

I plan to call Patient services to just let them know that I am not at all comfortable with this nurse and to please keep her away from me. I'm not a fan of dishonesty at all and she put me through quite a bit of stress in order to cover her ass. She should have told me that I should be back at a certain time and she should have listened to her patient. Had she only listened to me instead of interrupting so rudely, things would have been much more different. How was I supposed to know that I was supposed to ask a doctor first if I could leave the floor? I was never told this. I was told by my doctor that I needed to walk; he never specified where.

We did tell her that we were going to the Farmer's Market (twice). Anyway, I survived that stress and that horrible anxiety attack and don't wish to have any more of those. I still don't feel that nurse is dealing with a full deck; I just don't trust her. I don't wish to see her again. I probably should give her another chance but I'm not ready to yet. Yes, I do give people second chances but it takes me some time to get over certain things. I'm quick to forgive but I don't ever forget.

Well this evening around 5:30pm in walks my very handsome husband with this beautiful little girl by his side. She was so happy to see me. He was very tired when he arrived and of course so was I. I could use a nap being that I didn't get much sleep last night or this morning. I think I got a grand total of 4 hours. I scooched over to the very edge and we cuddled for about 1/2 an hour until the phone rang and woke me up and then the nurses needed to take my vitals; my nap was officially over; I was full on awake. It takes nothing to wake me up.

So I got up grabbed my brush (yes I used my brush to brush my sweet Blue Belle), some extra wash clothes and that waterless shampoo. My poor pup was a dirty, dirty, dirty girl. Just look at how beautiful she looks now. I made sure I worked everything in and even rubbed that stuff out. It seemed like it got a lot of dirt out of her coat. It was so amazing. Once I get out of the hospital, I will be giving her a real bath in the bath tub. Yes, that's another amazing thing my honey did for me was fix the shower. We now have a shower head that is moveable? I don't know the terminology of that stuff but it can be detached and you can use it to wash the pets in the bathtub. It works like a gem and it will save us quite a bit from having to to the Pet Wash. ($15 per bath).

Well tonight around 11:30Pm my honey and I finally finished fixing Skype together and we both were successful up and on the screens looking and talking with each other. How confusing for the animals but they were starring right into the camera each time and it was so cute. We have a bunch of Tonto until he had enough. It might have been too weird for him. My honey and I could not resist kissing the screen over and over and over again and then just staring at each other. We fixed it! Now we can talk on Skye and now know what the hell we are doing. It was so fun and exciting. It may be an old technology that has been around but my husband and I plan to use it tomorrow morning so that I can be around to help him make his own breakfast. We will see. I may get to go home on Wednesday and we are now practicing with the TPN machine; the one that I will be going home with will be hooked up tomorrow evening and I will get 4 hours of IV freedom which I am very excited about. That means I get to go on walk with out an IV and I get to wear my T-Shirts with out those huge gowns made for some 500lbsp or more. I noticed when I was walking past this glass window and having to push the IV pole the super big sleeves exposed my tiny little pathetic breaths and left absolutely nothing to the imagination. If I had a T-shirt on, then I would have on at least so that my boobs won't have to be exposed anymore. How disgusting and anyone dare tell me this? Absolutely not. Oh well things are getting better for me and I wait to go home!