I'm such a bad, bad girl!

Well here goes the warning for this post. If you happen to have paper like skin; you may not want to read this post at all. I'm really serious. It could be construed as very controversial since I do use the term retard to describe a very incompetent nurse and myself for that matter. If you have thick skin; then go right along; it's probably good for a few laughs at my adventures. I refuse to go Politically Correct because I feel people need to get over it and stop being so overly sensitive. Now I have also posted photos that I took through out my entire day.

Well I do have to admit today has been by far the best day I have had since I have been in the hospital this whole 2 weeks and it was also by far one of the most exciting! I almost got arrested by some hospital rent-a-cops!

I know part of my day may not seem so pleasant but I made it through today and in all I did get to have lots of fun and believe me; I really do enjoy all moments where I get to have fun, relax, and just enjoy time spent with friends and loved ones. I just cherish it and it's cool to be able to think back and always refer to only the good moments in my life; yes I often think of the scary ones too but I try so hard not to.

OK I know this may seem like quite a bit to read (it's a long ass post) but please bare with me as I have to push my pain button every hour on the hour (it used to be every 10 minutes but now I have it under control for now!)

I started out this morning at about 7:30am being in extreme pain; I had a pain level of about a 10 and I was crying and doubled up kind of in fetal position. I was feeling pretty miserable. I was given Toradol and that has helped me a great deal for the last couple of hours. The nurse on call that morning (the night nurse) helped administer the pain medication and I was able to go back to sleep. She was the one who introduced me to Eileen my real morning nurse as I was awaking from my morning nap. Yes, I slept a whole entire 3 hours; yes still not able to sleep. It was pretty late; about 3am when I finally got to sleep. I guess I just can't get used to this bed, I really miss my honey being right next to me (he does come and take about an hour or two nap with me in the evenings which I find a total blessing and I love him dearly for doing that; he even did so tonight but just for a little while; I had too much excitement today)

Remember I had some time slotted from midnight to 4 am in which I was promised sleep and dam it; I couldn't sleep anyway; how that pissed me off!. I just tossed and turned all night long just wishing I was sleeping right next to my husband. Sometimes I feel as if I am more spayed than my own dog and my dog has better tits than I do at the moment. She's a little pudgy down there and now she has breastses that are bigger and more perkier than mine so yes, I'm jealous of my own dogs tits? How low is that or how bad can life seem when it gets to that point? OK I'm laughing so no worries. I can actually see my skeletal remains through mine; & why didn't my doctor just insert some breasts in all that loose skin for me while I was under? How much trouble would that have been? I sure as hell could use some! Anyone got any extra I could have? That sure would be nice; I would also like to loose weight for anyone needing to?

My doctor came in to see me around 9:30am and I just didn't like the look on his face but he hid it quite well; I can somewhat tell that I am nearing the end (we will all get there one day and believe me I'm still not done here yet with this fighting); well for surgeries; I won't survive another one or at least he doesn't feel that I would. I kind of think he's just tired or burnt of operating on me and it must be quite a bit annoying for him to keep doing this over and over and over again; he's already done it 6 times in 6 years. I should be dead already. Either way his look scared me just a little bit because it makes me think that I just might not have all that much time left; I mean I hope and pray that I make it to Christmas and then I also hope that I survive to be 40 next June and that's about beyond what I want to ask for; maybe after that just a little bit of time at a time. I don't want to push it. I know I'm still young but I'm battling quite a monster and have been through much more than most have in a lifetime.

I feel I offer the world myself and my wisdom and I should be well worth all that trouble; but maybe I'm not to some. There's probably other plans for me; maybe my time is coming up to earn my wings. I'm still that same hard head who refuses to give up; that adrenaline junkie attitude who more than anything loves to drop in on any ramp, carve the coping on the other side while rocking out to total punk rock music and just do some sweet little airs over some little trees in some nice deep powder. I still haven't quite figured out the whole pumping action while snowboarding on a half pipe but yet I can on a skateboard?; that was one thing I was really hoping to accomplish to how the hell can I catch tons of air on one of those things; actually both a skateboard and a snowboard but preferably a snowboard; I don't skateboard anymore? I hope to one day.

OK sorry to have changed subjects completely; I just proved a point that I am ready for an intensive battle plan of countless chemotherapies and smoking lots of pot to keep my quality of life up in order to have my adrenaline junkie life back. I just do things slower these days. I just love being able to feel normal again and this miracle plant really does help me and it will continue to do so over the years I hope to survive. I will sure make those FEDS feel like the shit assholes they are if they were to ever arrest me for trying to fight and to stay alive with this disease because that's exactly why I'm still alive so many years later. I bet many who really are PRO-LIFE; not the PRO-FETUS ones but the true PRO-LIFERS would be on my side to fight to keep me alive with my medicine.

OK I promise to get back to my retarded nurse; sorry I am so politically incorrect; you know what? I really don't intend to be politically correct on this blog because I strongly feel that politically correct is total bullshit and you know what? "sticks and stones make break my bones but words will never harm them!". I have learned to be so much tougher than that! What ever happened to that saying? Are we just raising a bunch of pansies these days; people have to be so incredibly sensitive that we have to constantly worry about what we say? People just can't take the truth anymore? Are people really that uptight? I do speak my mind and sometimes my chemo brain needs to get a little crazy shit out into this world in order to hopefully to loosen people up and to just remind them to be thankful for what they do have and to stop whining and complaining about what someone else said about you. Who the fuck cares anyway? What difference does it make if they said what they said? Really. Just live your life and don't let what other people said bother you so much. Sometimes people don't think and you really have to give them that benefit of a doubt. Sometimes they really are stupid about certain things; that doesn't mean you have to be so uptight.

Do you have any idea how much stress that can put on you to have to worry about what others say or think about you? It really doesn't matter; what matters is what is in your heart and in your soul. We need to have much more thicker skin than this; people get way too uptight and offended way too easily these days. Why do we have to always be on pins and needles about everything we do and say? Give us back the freedom of expression; NO more Political Correctness; Please let's just Fuck that! WE have a have a right to think the way that we do. Power of the Mind! We have a right to think the way that we do. That's what makes us special. How are we protecting kids when we can't even be honest with them? How does honesty kill? I think it's lies that get people into so much trouble. I feel what's wrong is teaching kids to lie and to lie to your kids. Just be honest with them; people tend to find out the truth one way or another. They have to find out the truth one day and to find out what this world really is made up of. Why does the government always feel they always know what is really best for us anyway? Why not just let us make our own decisions?

When people decide to get violent just over something that was said about them, then that's a stopping point and they are much more deserving of a trip to jail for being violent. It's sad that kids are feeling that lives are worthy of being lost over something that was said about them. I think some shitty parenting is going on when this happens. We all need a sense of humor; just learn how to laugh it off. At least that person has less of a life they have to think about you and how miserable you must make them? I don't get offended very easily anymore. I would rather people just be honest around me than to be afraid to express themselves. I never feel comfortable with someone who can't be themselves. They put on this act. Do something useful.

I used get called Retarded all the time as a child for being much older than all the other kids (my mom just wanted me live at home forever so that I could take care of her and pay her bills) and let's face it kids are mean; you can't change them; you can only hope that they don't grow up to be assholes. If we call people stupid or retarded then all those real retarded people are going to feel like they are really fitting in? That's how I feel about it; by refusing to acknowledge the word and arresting people for saying it; what good is that doing for society?

I just don't feel it's something to get completely bent out of shape about and this nurse that I had today was acting very weird towards me. She was acting a bit like she was retarded at times that's just how I was raised and I won't change that about me; sorry. I have seen retarded people as I grew up and even found a few that seemed much smarter than she appeared to be. That's just the brutal truth as I see it. I love all people who have a heart of gold no matter what and them being retarded makes me not love them less. They are just special in other ways that I am not. None of us are perfect; somehow we are all the same in one way or another; we have gifts or things that we can do better than most.

OK back to that weird nurse I promise. I probably had the most incompetent RN nurse that I have ever had assigned to me ever. I don't feel that she was dealing with a full deck of cards at all and was totally difficult to even talk to; we really had a serious communication barrier; I mean serious. Well first of all she would not even look into my eyes at all and to me that is a red flag. I am a completely compassionate person and I must have eye contact in order to feel total trust for someone; especially someone caring for my life. That's how I connect to anyone and if I can't get that eye contact; I feel something is missing; kinda like a disconnect.

It just seemed to me that as far as this particular nurse was concerned; I was that computer hutch that she had to drag around or the IV Pole; but a living, breathing being; Oh HELL no! I was just this dumb ass lump on the bed referred to as a "patient" that she just had to deal with in order to get her paycheck. I didn't even feel that I existed to her other than my wristband which contained that very important medical record number or barcode that she could scan.

I could barely talk to her and it was very frustrating to do so; it was like she wasn't really listening to me; I would get interrupted often about other things like "dii u poop orrr pee toooday?" and things that just were not at all related to my pain at all. She was very young and kind of like a dumb kid and not at all like an RN should be. Don't get me wrong; I always, always appreciate a good nurse; especially an RN like nothing else. They are there to help you and its so very comforting for me if I have a very skilled and compassionate nurse that helps me while in the hospital; I wasn't getting that with this girl. I refer to her as a girl; because she didn't look at all like a woman to me (nor did she act like one) and more like a 12 year old with severe communication problems. She was blessed with a very youthful look.

Whenever I called for her and she she arrived in my room, I tried each time to tell her about how much pain I was having and each and every time I did call I would push the call button (this happened a total of 4 times throughout the morning hours); she would arrive; scan my arm and then go straight for the computer; (no talking involved and if there was any; I couldn't for my life understand what the hell she was saying). I could only hear this weird Chinese dialect that I couldn't understand at all. I never took Chinese so I just don't know how to speak it. She may have been on the phone each time she came in. I was hoping to get my nails done; just kidding; I know I need them!

Being a Gemini; I am known to communicate and that is something I really enjoy doing. I feel communication is so important; but I also feel that honesty is just as important; if you open your mouth, you might as well speak the truth; babbling to me does not necessarily constitute as communication. You must also be a good listener and good RN must listen to the patient. Now a patient is not some dumb lump on the bed with an ID bracelet ready to scan and that happens to be hooked up to IV Machines; we are living breathing souls and I hope sincerely that I was in all able to teach that crazy girl that much in a day.

Well, I did try to talk to this loony nurse when ever she came inside my room and of course she followed the procedure of asking me how I was doing. She said it so fast that I could totally tell that she that didn't really give a rat's ass how I was feeling at all but I would still begin by first telling her that I was in extreme pain; which I really was (I wasn't lying); she didn't seem to be listening to me at all as I was talking to her and would often interrupt me right in the middle of me describing to her the pain and the pain level that I was feeling and it was as if she thought that maybe the sound might be coming from the IV pole so she would check my IV machine stuff; now remember she never looked at me so I'm not so sure she understood that the sound was coming from that dumb lump on the bed and once she even got out her stethoscope and I tried to pull up my gown fast enough (so that she wouldn't hurt me) in order to accompany her seemingly silent requests to listen to my chest (wow was this object on the bed really is a living breathing soul? OMG? NO it can't have a soul; it's an icky patient; ewwwww); she didn't even ask if she could listen but I could tell she wanted to; she just kind of ignored me while I tried to pull up my gown and with that she then yanked up the part of that gown that I was being so resistant or slow about pulling up because of cuts and staples on my stomach; (the JP was just right there and it pinched me quite a bit that I screamed and I said "Owwww!") she did hurt me when she yanked it up (I thought she might have pulled out a few stitches from the JP) but there were NO apologies at all for ripping at my JP which was only supported with a small bandage and some tiny little stitches; just frustrations on her face that this stupid object on the bed wasn't cooperating very well. I think I must have pissed her off.

Her English was really bad and I had to have her repeat things to me each time which sometimes she refused to do. I believe she was Chinese but was exceptionally rude as far as I could tell. I was kind of in shock over her total stupidity and I mostly just ignored her and just hoped and prayed that the pain would go away; that my friends would arrive, and to go on my walk as my doctor had requested that I do; I didn't wish to be around this rude, stupid ass nurse. That to me was no fun at all.

Her volume of speech was so low that she really needed to turn it up just a notch or two. Thinking back at all of her weirdness I just am not at all convinced that she had all the complete screws in her head and I'm not much into challenging one's intellect (remember I've got the Chemo brain) but I don't feel this particular nurse had any common sense what so ever.

Some people are not blessed with any common sense; I seem to have some and I'm so very thankful for what little bit I do have; but this nurse had 0 common sense what so ever; I saw not 1 bit. I would say that she was about as dumb as a door nail and that pretty much sums it up. I'm just being honest here at what I witnessed of her actions and her words. Actions to me speak much louder than words.

I will give you some more examples of her actions. Hopefully I'm not offending anyone and if anything we can at least laugh off this whole experience because it is funny as hell. They could write a whole Saturday Night Live skit on this dumb ass nurse. I know I will always have fond memories of her hilarious stupidity. It is funny looking back on it.

I really hate calling someone dumb but she did everything in the book to prove to me that she was indeed dumb or that she was on drugs or perhaps that she needed some drugs. I don't know; she just seemed very crazy and maybe was lacking some medications. She seemed to only want to do the bare minimum of what her job had required of her. She just did not wish to help me out with my pain problems as most nurses had been so obliged to do. She didn't want to do any of that. Thank god the other nurse helped change my bed and my friend cleaned my bathroom for me. Hello? Anyone home; NOPE, no one was home upstairs on this one.

My friend Debbi arrived at around 11:15am and I was so glad to see her. Look at this beautiful kitti comforter she made for me. I love gifts that come from the heart. I'm not much into "Made in China" anything and to be quite honest, it sort of turns me off. I do appreciate a good old American gift of Made in the USA or Made in what ever state of this union it was made (preferably by who every made it for me), I love home made gifts more than anything; well this one was made in San Mateo, CA by mine truly! My friend Debbi!

I get so lonely here in the hospital and to have a friend come and visit is a true treat. Sometimes I can talk the ears off of some of the nurses and I feel bad when I get to that point but Debbi really is a good friend to have. She is such a great listener and she is excellent at telling stories; well so is Amy! I was in so much pain and this crazy ass nurse just wasn't going to do anything to help me with my pain; I think she really thought that I was lying about the pain and that I just wanted a whole bunch of drugs so that I could just get fucked up and loaded.

No, I really was in horrible pain but just toughed it out; I grinned and bared it and just gave up on this nurse even helping me; she was completely and totally useless. I could not for the life of me get her to call the doctor in order to ask for more medication; she just kept forgetting to call him or was just too busy to do so; it was just excuse after excuse that I couldn't even understand it they really were excuses; I honestly don't think she really wanted to do her job; I was too annoying for her because I was trying so hard to at least communicate with her. I just could not get myself to speak Chinese with her; it did not come naturally at all for my chemo brain. I just can't learn to speak Chinese; I don't even know any numbers in Chinese. I guess that's pretty stupid too on my part? It's important to be able to communicate with a nurse and that was just something I couldn't do with her.

Maybe she really does have a real communication barrier and can't even talk straight to my own doctor; I mean she couldn't really talk to me; I could barely understand her? Debbi was there for at least a few hours before our friend Amy arrived. During those hours, I pushed that pain button every single 10 minutes on that PCA pump which contain Dilauded but it seemed it just wouldn't kick in; it didn't seem to be working at all for me and I tried to explain to that nurse each time.; maybe she could change the dosage on the PCA pump to make it stronger because somehow sleeping through out the night I got so far, far behind in my pain meds; that's all she had to do was to open the PCA pump and maybe it just needed to be refilled and Oh and it did eventually.

I had a very incompetent nurse; what further wrong could result in her stupidity.? I wondered? How did this nurse ever get hired if she can't even call a doctor and ask for more pain medication? How did she get hired treating patients like they are inanimate objects? I started to suspect; she had to have known somebody to get hired; I mean who would hire a nurse like this? I kind of suspect that she may be lazy and just not feeling up to reprogramming my PCA pump to provide me with more medicine too. I could definitely sense her laziness; I was really getting frustrated with her; but all a while I was incredibly fascinated with her stupidity; I guess I'm just not very used to someone much dumber than myself. I was dreaming of writing up a perfect Saturday Night Live skit featuring her and her stupidity. To me; it was kind of hilarious what I had to put up with, with this particular nurse. What a skit it was and I was actually living it.

She could have been totally afraid of calling the doctor and was refusing to do so because maybe she was scared of talking to a doctor with her intellect? I don't know; she is an RN? It was very puzzling for me. I couldn't get another nurse and my friends and I needed to go right then (1:45pm) in order to make it in time for the Farmer's Market just downstairs in the hospital. How cool is that? My pain meds finally kicked in but they only knocked the pain down to a 7.5 which is still somewhat breathtaking. I felt I could deal with the pain rather than to wait until the cows came home when this poor excuse of a nurse finally does her job which was never; Oh she sure could scan my ID bracelet!) If I wanted my ID bracelet scanned, she could at least get that done! but unfortunately her scanning my ID bracelet did nothing for my pain. My pain had been close to a 9.5 most of the morning and I could barely breath from the extreme pain; so it was much better than before.

I'm really proud of myself as I am getting tougher and tougher with this pain; at times I would double up and just cry and cry and cry from the total pain that I would often get. This pain felt just like I had been sliced open, diced, stapled, and even stitched together only on the inside and the staples of course are on the outside of me. Wow those really do look like staples now don't they? Maybe it's because they really are staples. Now do you think that staples on a tummy is at all painful; NO WAY! Not according to this nurse; neither is ripping up a gown with out permission and maybe ripping a few stitches while she was at it. I'm just not getting over it. I also have some internal sutures which my body will absorb in just a few short months. yeah I was definitely faking that pain because that looks like just a little scratch that hardly justifies any pain medication.

Quality of life means the world to me and there are not a whole lot of chances lately to have a blast with 2 great friends at a Farmer's Market that happens to be at and inside the hospital. We had waited until everything was closing so that we could get some good deals and that it was far less crowded for sake of me getting sick. Yes, it's still taking a huge chance and perhaps a dumb move on my part but it was fun. I grabbed my little purse, some money so that I could buy my honey some cookies at this Farmer's Market; it was my first time out in over 2 weeks just getting outside of the hospital and it really was just outside of the hospital.

I couldn't get the extra pain meds so we gave up shortly before 2pm to go have some fun. My friend Amy told her (dumb nurse) as she was telling me the first time about having to get my urine sample that my bathroom really needed to be cleaned; it was absolutely disgusting. Are patient's really responsible for cleaning their own rooms? This nurse seemed to think so; that's another crazy insane thing about this nurse. Despite the pain that I was in I didn't wish to wait around for her shift change so that she could pawn off her job on someone else.

That's exactly what she was doing; we were waiting for her shift to change so she could pawn off all of her responsibilities on the second shift nurse. I was onto her. How lazy can this girl be? She did not feel like changing my PCA pump what so ever and shift change was at 3 pm (that would have been over an hour of waiting around for her and we had already waited over 4 hours for her to do something about my pain levels (useless nurse) and we had over an hour before we needed to get back. The Farmer's Market closed at 2pm so we didn't have a whole lot of time to enjoy it; just about 5 minutes and maybe 10 minutes of sitting outside; 5 - 10 minutes of walking.

Prior to leaving; I made extra sure that I told her that we were going downstairs to the Farmer's Market; I told her slowly so that she could be sure to understand and even comprehend what exactly I was saying. Now she still refused to look me in the eye; not sure if that is a cultural thing or what but it's still something she needs to work on; it's just plain rude to do to someone. I told her that I have my Cell phone with me and if she really needed to contact me; I will answer that phone. My phone just happened to be listed in that beloved computer that she was so glued to. This is where she more than likely spaced off in the middle of me talking to her because she interrupted me quite rudely to tell me that she needed a urine sample from me. I told her I will get her one when I get back. She proceeded to tell how to do this like so "may shure U wype UR area reel gooood so it don't get contamnented annn dooo it in the clean hat that I place 4 U in bathroom".

I laughed so hard her complete stupidity. She didn't listen to me at all and I could totally tell that what I ever I told her; it would be sure to go in one ear and out the other. I could tell that her brain was not at all focused and despite me telling her twice where exactly I was going; she still had no clue that I was even going to go on a walk so I decided to take it upon myself and try to tell her again. I could tell the lights were off; I tried so hard to tell her; but it was just like talking to a pet rock.

I told the nurse Eileen in complete English and at a very audible level; I tried to force her to look into my eyes by staring deeply into hers; but she still kept looking away as if the information she needed to enter in that computer was far more important than me giving her some vital information as to my whereabouts should this become a concern. She could have also gotten a freaking clue and told me that I needed to be back at a certain hour in order to get any meds I was scheduled to get. I was scheduled for some but she sure didnt' tell me. How freaking stupid did this nurse really have to be that she needed to first enter some stuff in her computer before she would even talk to me; how rude is that? Did she ever learn any manners? I did tell her to PLEASE look at me while I was I was talking to her and she was very annoyed with that. I also told her that my doctor really wanted me to walk and that I was going to be walking but I was going to be walking outside at the Farmer's Market. Maybe she didn't understand the term "Farmer's Market"? I dont' know; I don't know if I ever will know. How freaking frustrating it was to try to communicate with this girl.

I continued hoping and praying I had her attention this time (I talked to her like she was 5 years old; that is the communication barrier we really had) "This is very, very important; we are going on a walk to the Farmer's market; we should be back in half an hour = 30 minutes or less"; she was already ready for me to leave her alone but before we left she told me that she needed a urine sample (again) from me and that she would provide a fresh clean hat in my bathroom when I got back. She grabbed a clean bucket or pan to place on the toilet (one that wasn't contaminated)"we are going on a walk, I repeated to her; (I just didn't have the confidence she was actually listening to me)I don't know I just got that feeling.

I just didn't figure anyone was at home up there. This woman was crazy or at least she seemed like it. She had other nurses around that could clearly hear us telling her that we were going downstairs to the Farmer's Market for just a half hour. We would be right back; we kind of had too; the PCA pump ran completely dry of pain killer before we exited the elevator on the first floor; so no pain killers at all. I think she was happier that I didn't have any; for some reason to her I just had a scratch on me and it didn't justify any need anything for pain. I was definitely faking it. OK I have been all along!) yeah right!

We proceeded with my IV pole and all down the elevator to the first floor, then down a long hallway and then down another hallway to outside where the Farmer's Market was located. It was maybe a 3 minute walk. It was beautiful and very peaceful to be outside with my friends. I know my honey wouldn't approve of me being here, but what the hell; I'm having fun and that's what counts.

He is scared of me being out in public places and with the IV pole which wasn't really a smart move. I completely ran out of pain meds once we got downstairs so I didn't have any narcotics to sell at the farmer's market; shucks! Oh it contains a lock and key that I don't have any idea how to open. We got to walk around just a little bit and then we went over by the cafe in the shade and just relaxed a little bit until my IVs started beeping up a storm so we headed back a bit early.

Once we got back inside we were very surprised that the girl at the desk recognized us and said that the nurse Eileen was frantically looking for me. She had called security and told everyone that she had no idea that I had even left; she lied to everyone. I was floored. We were all floored; we couldn't believe our ears and what security had told us. They told us that what I did was not legal and that I should have alerted me nurse that I was going outside and that I indeed did not. OMG! I told her twice that we were going downstairs to the Farmer's Market!; I told her I had my phone, but she lied and practically got me in trouble for trying to escape from the hospital.

We were actually heading right back to my room at that very moment. Apparently Nurse Eileen, DN had medication that absolutely had to be given to me and I was 5 minutes late. We weren't even down there hardly 20 minutes. She had called security on us and I was certain we were all going to jail; I had a severe anxiety attack and just because I wanted to go outside and I thought it was OK; she should have listened to me but NO she's just as crazy as shithouse hound or mouse (where have I heard that before? Was it "Stand by Me"?) No she didn't call the cell phone number that I already had on record; she called security. What ever happened to common sense or honesty?

The security guard that led us up was nice enough but the head of security came over yelled at us. He had on his black suit and walked right up to me as if he were going to take a swing at me or my friend Amy. Now Amy did say and he only heard her say "that stupid nurse". That's all he heard and that justified him about to use violence on us? He really did look like he was going to swing at us and I kind of ducked and it really scared me so much that I started to get a severe anxiety attack. Good thing he left. He had an awful attitude and not at all the right person for his job which is supposed to be to calm and protect people. Not scare the living shit of them.

We asked that they please tone it down a bit and to stop making a scene; I'm glad that one cop had sense enough to do that. We are far from being any type of criminals or terrorists; we just had a nurse that just didn't have the common sense to contact me on my cell phone. "She over reacted and NO we are not criminals". My friend Amy was so mad about the situation which had gone all the way to ridiculous childish drama mostly on the part of the stupid nurse and childish head of security. That grown man should really be ashamed of himself for acting the way that he did. I'm so glad he left when he did; right when my anxiety attack was just starting. I thank GOD that he did leave because my attack started to get worse and worse. I was thankful when nurse Nurse Espy came downstairs to get us. She calmed me down so much.

Oh how I wanted to give Nurse Eileen a piece of my mind; no wonder the little bitch couldn't look me in the eye once we got upstair; she actually looked as if she went to go hide from me. What ever!. I didn't even talk to her; she actually looked very, very scared and I could tell she could not bring herself to look at me because she had lied. How dispicable? How can someone be that way and live with themselves for being so mean. Now that is mean. I really did deserve to go outside after being cooped up for over 2 weeks and to be outside with my friends; I deserved that. What the hell crazy nurse?

What ever happened to our free country? Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words may never harm them? Don't people teach this any more? Really since when did words make people become so violent and misunderstood? We didn't use her name so it was still anonymous and for anyone listening it could have been our own conversation about a dumb nurse. Maybe my own sister is a dumb nurse. What business it is of his to barge in on our conversation. It's definitely not our faults he was blessed with a little white crayon dick and feels he has to treat frail women like they are punching bag. He walked up to us so fast and really acted as if he were going to punch us and I was glad he left because I was about to go off his unprofessional temperament and to remind him that he is a hospital paid to protect us; not scare the living shit out of us. I hate bored security rent a cops who have nothing better to do than to scare the shit out of patients and to make a misunderstood situation worse for patients who definitely don't need extra stress.

Well I certainly did not let any of that get to me after I had my severe anxiety attack. Yes, I got a severe anxiety attack just thinking about all the big trouble I had caused and just thinking that the nurses might just have an excuse to kick me out of this nice hospital and just let me die. My favorite nurse (Espy) came to rescue again to help calm me down. She is so wonderful and the real reason that I appreciate a good compassionate nurse who actually understands that a patient can be trusted and is a human being with a heart and a soul. We are not just lumps on the bed that contain wrist bands that need to be scanned. We are living breathing souls and this one is going to fight extra hard to enjoy every day that I am blessed with.

I was continuing to breath in and out quite violently that I almost passed out right there in the elevator; I had tears streaming down my face as I tried to tell the nice security guard (not his asshole boss) trying to tell the officer that escorted us upstairs that he did not ruin my fun time with my friends and I will never as long as I'm alive allow anyone to ruin my peaceful fun. I meant not hard to anyone; I wasn't out there to hurt anyone at all and for you to treat us like criminals is more that wrong.

I do plan on enjoying every single day as the gift I am given even if I have to suffer in pain; I have those around me who love me and make me feel better about living. I am so glad that I touch so many lives and doing so with my blog. That is one thing I am so thankful for is the ability to write and I will continue to for as long as I can. This blog is here to stay for right now. Sure I have had other websites but I don't intend on dissolving my blog anytime soon; it will take a lot to keep me from writing my thoughts and being as strong as I possibly can while fighting this vicious evil disease.

I hope this drama wasn't a let down for any of you; it was quite exciting but it did open my eyes a little more to the different personality types of people who are given power. I then saw that nurse who felt she was above me; to even listen to anything I had to say; she would not look me in the eye when we got back.

Another thing; it's kinda gross, ok it's really gross but shows off her splendid work ethic. I went to do my pee sample in my bathroom and the dirty pee hat was just sitting there in the toilet with a very long black hair (wasn't mine) positioned right across the dried piss on the old hat; the new hat was positioned on the sink? Would it break her back or hands to replace the old one. Not to mention that bathroom had yet to be cleaned; it was still dirty and totally disgusting. I decided to call the head nurse but first Debbi had to go home so me and Amy composed a list of all the things this nurse did that made us feel she was crazy. The list was quite lengthy and I believe that I included everything within this blog; but boy did I feel great getting this off my chest.

I was already over the panic attack with the crayon dick rent a cop; OK the one was nice and quiet but that other one was totally uncalled for. He did not have to pretend to swing at us; that was very dumb of him to do that. It's totally not my fault at all that his dick is so tiny that he has to abuse women by yelling at patients for absolutely nothing except to help stroke his little ego. We had a right to conversate in the hallways and a right to keep on living. No crayon dick cop is ever going to make me feel less than human!

I do appreciate real cops who already have it in them to serve, protect, and help the public and I do know of some wonderful ones in my neighborhood but I'm most positive they would never give this poor excuse of a cop a real cop job. He would not represent our city well; I could definitely tell that he had anger issues and I feel he needs to resolve them. I kind of don't feel safe having a hot head running security in the hospital I'm staying at.

That's kind of scary things that happen when people in power should not be in power; just like George Bush who flushed trillions down a toilet in Iraq; that money could have been used to help save billions of lives instead of taking them. Sorry didn't mean to get political but I will never feel that all of these lives are not worth saving; because they are. Oil will never be worth the cost of a living life; one that is already alive. I am worth saving and so are many millions like me. I really hate that our country attacked the wrong country that attacked us in the first place; we almost had who was responsible; but false information led us to Iraq; we can't get all that money wasted back but it sure would have been nice to have had a real President who actually cared about healthcare in charge and making sure that we find a cure for this killer that happens to kill thousands every single day, every day thousands die of cancer. That has to change. For me it doesn't look that great; but I will continue to enjoy every day that is worth living and to me that is everyday.

I am very happy to have a wonderful president who has compassion for patients like me; one who actually lost his own mother to the same disease that is killing me or is trying to kill me. Cancer is so ugly and I hope a cure is found soon. I plan on doing lots of letter writing to make sure that my cause is heard. This disease does not have to be a silent killer; I know I'm loud when I get those pains so I will be sure to be heard.

Yes I do plan to keep on living and I promise to behave myself and will do my very best to stay out of trouble. Sometimes trouble just finds me and just drags in there!