WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Finally gaining some weight and getting fat...

Well I'm not eating any real food just yet but I'm on a constant 24 hour feeding of this bag of milk and I have already gained over 10lbs!) I get fed intravenously one of these milk bags which contains 1,575.6 calories; wow! That's a lot of calories. Can you believe that just one of these bags of food costs over $3000 each? I have to be on one every single day for over 2 weeks; possibly more; so for just 16 days, that's over 48,000. Now one of those bags doesn't cost anywhere close to $3000. I bet you the actual cost of one of these bags is actually about $50. If that's not price gouging or downright fraud; I have no idea what is? It's so amazing how much health care needs reform like no other.

Those preexisting conditions is total bullshit and I'm so glad that is included in the reform bill. There are other things that are not included in the reform that are not like those frivolous law suits like when a doctor gets sued for giving a patient such as myself hope that I will survive much longer than 6 more months. If my doctor were to tell me that I had more time which he is not allowed to do because of those stupid lawsuits; I would be able to have hope. No worries, I do; doctors can be wrong but it would be great if he could be on my side to give me more hope that I could survive more surgeries too.

The reform bill is a good start and it's hope that things will get better and it would also help people like myself be able to go to some of the best Cancer Centers in America to get the very best treatments and as it is now; I don't qualify because of my pre-existing medical condition. I would have to stay with Kaiser for the rest of my life; if it goes through I could actually get another chance to go else where for treatments that might give me more of a chance to survive. I can't always qualify for the best treatments like that Ovarian Cancer vaccine that can be made from my own cells which could cause my cancer cells to attack each other. Kaiser will not pay for all the best treatments and they are expensive. What I hope the reform bill can do is to stop this price guaging which is rediculous. We really need this health care reform and I can't stress this enough. Things have to change and I'm downright scared for my life right now.

I had a tiny little scare last night when I weighed myself with Blue Belle on the bed. Together, we weighed 163lbs; Blue Belle weighing 35 and me weighing in at 128. According to the bed, I had gained more like 20lbs and to be honest it scared me just a little and it still kinda is. I am getting a little bummed that more than likely I won't get to eat everything that I wish to eat in order to gain back the rest of my weight; but maybe I will. I was like 120 last time I left the hospital will hopes of eating all that I wanted too then I wasn't able to and I lost another 10lbs in like several months. What a scary couple of months those were. I thought for sure I was a gonner deep, deep with in my mind. I always try very hard to remain as positive as possible and my will to live is so very strong; I just can't explain it. Well I did get reweighed today on a real scale and I weigh a total of 119.2 lbs.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very, very happy that I have been able to put on this extra weight; I really need to fatten up and I'm starting some heavy, heavy duty chemo next week and I will totally need that extra weight on my side. I looked at myself in the mirror and just looking at my legs; I am starting to look pretty fat; that's OK. Maybe its just that puffy water weight gain but my face was looking fat to my honey. I think he's just tripping but everyone else is telling me I look very beautiful; my visitors and the doctors and nurses. That makes me feel good!) Yes, do tell us Cancer patients we look pretty; that always helps our moods and feelings!)

I guess I won't be fitting into my skinny clothes when I get home; I'm going to have to dig out some of those fat clothes again. Wow! I guess thanks all for sending me all those extra pounds! I really did need them and am shocked to have received that weight so fast. Wow that is power of prayer and a miracle! Just look at that fat tummy and while we are a tad bit worried that I had gained the weight so fast, I am in the process of' getting healthier and I really do need this for the chemo.

I feel I'm so much more ambitious than ever to start this fight all over again! I'm dreaming of cool tats for my bald head and even some pretty shaped eye brows for when the hair falls out there too. My hair has been slowing falling out all this time in handfulls each and every day that I brush or wash it and it's getting to be quite thin. It's not long enough to donate to locks of love but at least I got to do that just once before. (tried to find the post where I had written about it but I think it was in one those "Good Kharma News Letters" which I have since discontinued. I promise to try find that article and repost it here because it really was a great experience. It had been my dream to do so one day when I first started my first ever chemo. I always love it when I can make a dream come true and live to see it come true! What a great feeling!

I remember when I used to have the thickest most beautiful black hair (& I've had blond hair and the dirty dishwater blond) back in the day and I was often mistaken for Sandra Bullock or Julia Roberts quite often by strangers on the street; tourists were the best; I would get photographed like crazy and then would have to break the news that I wasn't either of them; wow those really were the days! I'm so grateful to have lived those days; now other young girls have that experience to do so! I will always have photos and of course those fond memories of those days.

I don't really care that I don't right now because I have so many other things to be thankful for; especially that hot hunk of burnin love for a husband; he really is the most fantastic man I could ever dreamed of asking for and he appreciates me no matter what. He fell in love with me in my prime and I was able to capture his heart back then and I still have it; well he definately has my heart with out a doubt. He is my Prince Charming; sorry to go so sappy on all of you; what can I say? I'm so deeply in love right now and it's such an awesome feeling!)

Yes things in life have a way of changing and you won't always have those good looks forever but you can always still be that beautiful person inside. I already feel that I am!)

OK, back to reality; when should I get to go home from the hospital? Well, hopefully, I will be out of the hospital on Monday or Tuesday (that is just what they are saying and I won't believe it until it actually happens), but I have to be able to fart first and I have been gassing up quite a bit in my tummy; just not passing anything. So let us all pray that I rip a bunch out either in my sleep tonight or all day tomorrow. Boy my honey was ripping some tonight and I got so jealous; I wished I was doing that!( Maybe that's why my tummy is so huge?) I'm really frustrated that I am not being able to fart; I just hope it happens soon. Some people ask and pray for much bigger things and for me it's just being able to fart; so can I please fart?

OK I know this isn't the most pleasant stuff to be reading about; but it is my reality that I'm not about to hold back. I just hope that my tiny little requests make you less snappy when your love farts because what if they couldn't like me? I did ask for a suppository last night and for some reason was denied one by the doctor (well the nurse I asked had to call the doctor). I know those things can at least start something. The last time I was blocked up from my surgery a suppository had helped to get the gas started ripping. I was blasting up a storm and dam did it feel good! I also asked the nurse again tonight and hopefully I will get one tomorrow.

Well yesterday I got to yank out that crappy NG tube all by myself right in front of the doctor. Wow! I was so stoked and so was the doctor when I did it myself. It was kinda fun to do; I just asked if we could first take a break after she took off the tape that was all over my nose and I just grabbed the tube and just started pulling slow at first and then fast until it all came out. It didn't hurt at all. It always kind of hurts when it is yanked out by someone else because they have all the control and it's also incredibly uncomfortable especially when put in. I am in danger right now of having it reinserted but we will see. See I would much rather try that suppository first than to go through the dumb NG tube again. Boy my nostrils and throat hurt like hell getting that thing re-inserted and let's hope the doctor let's me have a suppository instead of re-inserting that damned NG tube. So let's all pray that Jayne gets to fart!) OH GOD please let me fart; I don't want that thing in me again!

The farting must happen before I am allowed to eat anything. I also have to shit too (I wish I felt like going) and that will be a total challenge too; so no nurses can blame me yet for their stinky farts.

Thank god no nurses have farted or stunk up my room although I did have a stinky janitor yesterday come into my room to change the trash and his cologne almost made me yak. It was so incredibly stinky and it took forever for it to get out of my room. I'm so thankful that Debbi brought me that fragrant body butter to apply on myself and that helped so much in getting that stinky pissy smelling cologne smell out of my room. What did he do; just let his dog piss on him?

How do some people walk out of the house smelling that horrible or what possesses them to put on cologne or perfume that reaks so strongly? Some people just spray on way too much perfume; just a little bit if fine but you don't have to over do it. I thought I was going to puke. Poor dude came back and asked if I wanted my room cleaned and mopped; oh God it needed it but I wasn't about to let him back in my room to reak it up again. I wasn't at all rude to him; still the sweet Jayne that I am. OMG! I told him NO perhaps the night janitor can just mop it later and of course I forgot to request that.

Well he came back today and asked and I refrained again from letting him. This time he didn't reak and I should have just let him mop the room but I was afraid if he was in here too long that perhaps I would smell it again. Maybe some complained yesterday (I hope so). I just can't take any chances like that again. I didn't even want him to change the trash. I'm so bad.

Well I walked an entire 30 laps on my hospital floor yesterday; not at the same time but I did get out 3 times to walk that day. Last night around 2am I did 10 whole laps in hopes that a little bit of farting might result; but no; not yet. These aren't very long laps but at least I'm getting some exercise to try to get things moving. I only got 20 laps done today and even got to sit outside in the sunshine out in the Rosemary garden. I got a few sprigs of Rosemary and put it in my pocket in case stinky janitor returns.
Well last night my husband came in with Pretty Miss Blue Belle to watch a movie with me. OMG it was so funny; I laughed so hard I had to have my teddy bed to squeeze on so that I didn't have any stitches rip. Oh we both laughed so hard at this movie. I love comedies like that. It was called "Smother" and it had me in stitches. It starred Diane Keaton (Marilyn Cooper), Dax Shepherd (Noah Cooper) and Liv Tyler (Clair Cooper). Anyway, Diane Keaton plays the annoying mother would call at 6:30 in the morning and tell complete strangers embarrassing stories about her son Noah and of course Dax Shephard was her son. From beginning to the very end of this movie we laughed our asses off. She had gotten into a fight with her husband who was played by Ken Howard, so she moves in with her son and his wife and she brings along all 5 of these cute little rescue dogs (a pug, basset hound, beagle, Scottish terrier, and a Westie) each all sporting a cute doggie vests and they each went by the same name "Sammy Higgins". It was so cute how they each went by that same name; when one of the dogs would come into the room and make a cute face and she would tell the dog "go to bed Sammy" it just cracked me up. Yes of course I would love doggie parts in the movie. I highly suggest this movie if you are looking for having a good laugh.

Anyway today, I got a nice visit from a good friend of mine whom I haven't seen in about a year Her daughter is now 15 months old and so incredibly cute. What lungs that little girl has and it was kind of neat that she took to me so quickly and almost immediately. Kids are great like that and can usually spot a good person much faster than we can. They have this innocence about them just like animals do and it was cool to see that.

I also got the most amazing email from an old boss of mine that literally brought tears to my eyes. It was so well written and it really made me happy, it was the kind of email you get where you can just read it over and over and over again; it really was that good. I would share it with all of you but I respect his privacy more than anything. I also got some really heart felt comments that really made my heart beat slow down and it kind of felt like my heart just warmed up; like the warmth of love; I know that sounds corny but its the honest truth.

I really had no idea that I had such an impact on so many lives and to me this has been a dream of mine to hopefully open so many hearts. I want others to appreciate what they already have and to not feel the need be so greedy and concerned only with themselves; be able to feel how wonderful it feels to share with others or just to think about someone else besides themself.

One dream of mine is that I can change many who are already self absorbed, very greedy, selfish and never really happy at all when in reality they have so much that they should be thankful for. If you have just your health, then that's something to really be thankful for (I don't have much of that). I know I say this all the time, but really; life is so much worth fighting for and just to have life makes me very, very happy! All this walking, excellent comments on my blog and especially that email makes me want to fight more than ever and I hope to survive this for many many years!)

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Kia Taylor said...

I'm so glad I woke up this morning, reading your blog before starting my day. We each have a story to tell and some us realize it quicker than others. I'm in awe of your stolry, I'm in awe of you!! Here's to many donuts in your very near future...


Rebecca said...

My sister used to talk about that all the time... the days where she just wanted a good fart :) She was angel on earth, and I can't tell you how much it helps me to read what you write. You are truly inspiring!!

Here's praying the doc'll be reasonable and that gas'll rip :)

WhiteStone said...

Hey! Read your blog a couple weeks ago and catching up today. Oh, man, surgery sure hits bad. Why haven't they figured out something that wakes up the bowels quickly? I dread ever having to have another S for that very reason. January was 8 days in hospital, followed by another 5 days because of ileus with a tube up my nose in the emergency room before going in. I thought my guts were never going to work again! I'm in my 60s so I feel C is just part of my "growing old". It sorrows me to see young women such as yourself have to deal with this. I am totally envious of your having Blue Belle...we once had a sheltie, Misty, and while she couldn't speak words I'll bet she would have conversed intelligently if she could. She was so sweet..I sure do miss her. You're going through some toughness right now and I am totally in awe of your strength! I'm a wuss in comparison and I freely admit to that. Such a wuss! God bless you.

nat said...

CJ - I'm so glad you are gaining some weight! That is crazy how much those 'milk' bags cost. We sure do need some type of reform.

Don't forget that your doctor can always be replaced if he 'gives up' on you. Sometimes, a fresh pair of eyes and a fresh perspective may help. Can you get a second opinion, even if its just for comparison?

I just know you are going to fart today :)

Anonymous said...

hey there! im so glad you got the tube out! YAY! and i told you id leave you some weight behind when i left ;) when i come back ill leave you some more! :) i will call you today and check up on you..think happy thoughts and know we are all praying for you! :) ~amy

Daria said...

Make sure to keep writing about all of it ... even the not so nice stuff ... farting and so on.

Mindi in Colorado said...

I have had two surgeries and waiting to fart seems like the hardest part. The last time I was in the hospital, I was doing my laps and finally cut a big loud fart right in front of the nurses station. They all proceeded to applaud for me. It meant I could go home - I hope the same happens for you - and soon!!

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

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