the Bark in the Park....

I would be lying if I said I wasn't still crying from the news I received the other day. Its not easy to hear that from your own doctor. I am going to try to survive this as best I can. I can only do my best and that's what I intend to do.


GOD I was so thankful to be able to sleep in my own bed next to the best man I could have ever dreamed of marrying. I will be sure to treasure each morning that I get to wake up next to him and definitely not those mornings where I am awakened by getting stuck in my finger, something shoved up my ass (OK it's not that bad), or getting blood sucked out of me and so much more! I am so happy to be out of the hospital. I do love all of those nurses who have taken care of me.

The one nurse that I had my very last night in the hospital gave me a hug and we cried together. I told her of my news and she has been one of those nurses who has helped take care of me many times over the years. It touched my heart that she was there for me like that and that she would be praying for; then to read all the comments from each of you and to know that I am making an impact of many lives.

Today we decided to have a good day today and to spend some good quality family time. We got up kind of late and it was so amazing to sleep in my own bed next to the one man I love more than anything. I will never ever take those moments for granted and cherish them always.

We went to the "Bark in the Park" at Naglee park in San Jose and it was so cool to see so many dogs (all colors, breeds, varieties, sizes) and the their people all in one place. Everyone got along so well and there was not one dog fight. Just lots of dogs everywhere and butt smelling was the norm.

My honey and I were sitting in the shade relaxing with Blue Belle and a friend of his with her dog and all of a sudden we would hear a puppy yelp and yelp and yelp in almighty pain. It was so sad and cute and it was because they were offering vaccinations for all dogs who needed their vaccinations. Poor little puppies getting a shot in their little bottoms. I remember my first shot as a child and it didn't feel good. Well now I get stuck all the time and no matter how many times; it hurts.

Here are 2 very cute little Shelties that Blue Belle wanted to come up and meet. It was cute that I finally saw that Blue Belle now recognized her breed. She would kind of get excited to be able to meet other Shelties. I always look for other Shelties too because I am so facinated with this breed. I have always been and they really are a dog that loves to please and so easy to train. I love the colors, the hair of course (it's so fun to brush a Sheltie), so now I got some time now to brush my girl!, she's also fun to wash and get all pretty. Seeing all the Shelties at this event made me want one of every color; but Blue Belle was my favorite Sheltie at this whole event.

I loved seeing all the different varieties of dogs and I took over 250 pictures; these are not the very best but I thought they showed somewhat how big this event was. I always take tons of pictures everywhere I go that's fun. I'm still obsessed with completing my 2009 movie (GOD I hope it's not the last one I make). The sheep herding was very cool; I had wanted to get some cards for herding training but was unable to. I would love to train Blue Belle to herd Tonto or go fetch him up. She's kind of jealous of him at times and doesn't want him hogging too much attention from me so she does know how to herd him away from me. The sheep herding event was so cool to watch and those sheep looked like they had a good home. They were taller than most sheep and were fat; they knew the drill and didn't have to run too much from the dog and each time they got to stop; they would eat more and more grass or graze. I don't think they were all that stressed for sheep at all. They were mostly herded around the old man that was in charge and it was neat to see how close and comfy those sheep appeared when ever they were herded to this man; they would immediately look for grass to graze on each time. You can see in this photo that the sheep are very close to the dude and also very relaxed even though the dog in a full run.

It was such a hot day today and I did get a little heated at times and I had to wear the huge hat and plenty of sunscreen because I am still taking antibiotics and will be for the next 10 days. They had all kinds of booths set up in case you felt like spending money on Halloween costumes (we wanted to get Blue Belle a ladybug costume but she would never forgive us for that), she's just not into wearing clothing; she's content with her fashionable fur coat. There were all kinds of leashes, training tools, watering dishes and I nearly got her another one for traveling), so much stuff to look at. I think the best thing there to look at was all the dogs and their people. If you just like people watching, this was the event for just that.

After a while of walking around and getting hot and sweaty, we went back home. I was surprised at how tired I was because I crashed hard in my bed and slept so soundly. I woke up in horrible pain and nausea. My honey was just squirting the morphine in my mouth when all of sudden I had to run to bathroom; it was icky and I puked that horrible puke again. I am having somewhat of a small blockage; why does my life have to revolve around me shitting? I am currently dealing with trying to get this blockage out and I did notice that I haven't gone in a few days normally. Now with Hospice care I wouldn't be allowed back in the hospital if I get a block; they would just cover it up with more morphine or pain meds and let me die faster that way.

So, NO we haven't made our decision and we plan to take our sweet time! I have decided not to do any more chemo but I'm not yet ready for Hospice Care yet. We are just going to enjoy everyday that I am given; all of these painful moments I have, having to be hooked up to my feeding machine, getting sick in my stomach for any type of food smell, not having much of an appetite; all makes me scared and worried about my future. I am going to get all of my affairs in order so that my honey doesn't have any headaches after I am gone. GOD I hate thinking about dying; it really sucks, but it is part of reality; we all will be there soon and it's so important to do something important in the moments that you have.

Just one day less of freedom....

Lately for me; freedom has meant to not be hooked up to anything intravenously; even though I have this pick line that seems to get hung in just about any shirt that I try to put on. I value those little 6 hours of freedom from the TPN so much. Sometimes they are spent sleeping as I haven't had much energy lately but I am still gaining weight and drinking that fabulous tea. I haven't had the need much to use any of the liquid morphine; maybe just once every other day is about all that I have needed. Sometimes I get that feeling of being gutted like a fish and the pain will stop me from getting anything done; I can't breath sometimes when it returns; but I get through it.

I even got through my chemo on Sunday; I slept most of the day away then proceeded to sleep even more on Monday. My honey even came home to unhook me from the feeding machine (TPN) as usual and I had made him a Cobb salad for lunch. I didn't get much done but I was super nauseated (probably from the chemo) and I had severe diarrhea for most of the day; even pooping in my pants just once. How disgusting; but I got through it; didn't kill me but I had to wash a pair of pants 3 - 4 times before I felt they were clean enough. Yes, I got some laundry done on Monday! I was pretty proud of myself for that. Any feat these days seems to be a miracle for me!

Well this morning I quickly realized I would be loosing out on some of that freedom; yes I am a little sad about it; but life will go on with this stupid heavy backpack of food. I was out taking Miss Blue Belle out for her morning walk when the stupid backpack TPN feeder thing just started beeping. The beep was constant, but not terribly loud. I didn't pay it much attention and my honey was in the shower getting ready for work. He was somewhat late as we had overslept just a little bit. Normally he takes the dog on her walk but with the time constraints; I took her instead and the beeping just continued throughout the walk.

When we got back, my honey was just about to head out the door and I told him the "the thing is beeping". We all know what that means so he stopped what he was doing and came over to inspect. To our horror; it had never begun the feeding from last night. I was hooked to it all for nothing and no warning at all. Just the time last night when I was hooked to it; I picked up the heavy back pack to go to the bathroom and it all came out (the foodbag) and I had to hook it back up inside the backpack bag. That was rather annoying to pick up the pack and then the whole bottom; just bottomed out. The food bag and some of the battery stuff. I had to put everything back before going to the bathroom and I had to go bad. Nothing at all indicated anything wrong when I placing everything back. It does make noise as it is feeding me but I don't get why the feeding just seemed to have stopped somehow; but as our program continues; I will get unhooked from this feeding at around 7:30ish and then hooked up to the next feeding. No break in between; just hooked up for over 48 hours to this stupid thing.

I plan to do what I can with this stupid bag on. I still need to pick up Blue Belle's papers from that awful vet's Office where I get treated less than. I hate to see how they will treat me now that I am wearing this unfashionable feeding bag. It's not even a Gucci feeding bag; gee I wonder if they will even have time for me or do I need to come back another time to pick the paperwork? I do hope this is the last time I ever have to stop there again. We will see.

Well I got that done and they didn't even fill out the right portion of the form; what ever; I give up. I'm not going back there again. I got home with out any problems and then on to the grocery store for some groceries with my heavy backpack in tow. Life goes on despite having to wear this thing everywhere.

It does wear me out physically and I am a little worried about the vein in my right arm where the pick line is. It burns and sometimes it aches and feels as if the vein is being ripped right out of my arm. Yes, it's very sore and I can barely use my right arm most of the time. Good thing I am left handed.

Blue Belle got to play with her best friend Tess this evening as she has been most evenings. I still don't have a whole lot of energy to go on long walks with her nor can I even throw the ball for her. Here is Tess drenching Blue Belle with kisses on her face. Blue Belle is so sweet and patient that she allows this all the time. It's awesome the two of them can run and play together on these days. It's been wearing out Blue Belle and she needs to have those good runs with her buddy.

We can't always take Blue Belle on really long walks and these little romps seem to help her a lot with her energy. She's still a great dog and so patient with us. She understands the deal so well. She knows how it is for me and that I'm not the way that I used to be. She knows there will be those days where I will be able to take her farther and to toss the frisbee as we used to do so well together. This battle with the food, gaining weight, surgeries, and chemo will pass soon enough and I will be soaring down a mountain in no time at all, riding my bike, or out hiking with my dog!

I still dream of those days and those good days I have had this year get me by these tough times. I really felt like a turtle today with this stupid apparatus on my back and tonight we are just changing the bag; no release and recall from freedom; I will get that freedom tomorrow where I can do more with my time and not have to be plugged in. All day long I survived being plugged in all day long and will continue to do so. I get confused at times when getting off the couch and today was no different. I almost got up with out checking first but Blue Belle was quick to get right in front on me and that's how I remembered being plugged in.

Floors almost done...getting ready for family..

Wow! It has been a whole week since I last updated and my apologies for the delay. I have been online for a few days but it has literally taken all of my energy to get the small things done (laundry, sometimes making lunches, putting small things away, changing sheets, etc.) The flooring is almost complete and I still have yet to download all the photos of all the excitement. My brother arrives tomorrow evening; technically Friday morning. (hint, hint, another break in updates)

The new floor is really amazing and that's all I can tell you right now. I was able to do a small amount of yoga last night and will try to will my intestines to work right. They just don't seem to know my asshole from my mouth from anything! I am still puking and shitting at the same time and that totally sucks!( I am making the most of it and have lagged at calling and leaving a message with the specialist. For some odd reason, I start thinking that I will improve just magically with out the specialist, surgeons and doctors. Call it hope or faith, and I still have tomorrow morning to make an appointment. My younger brother understands and just wants to hang with me here in CA!)

To be quite honest, I have been in so much pain (not all the time, but during part of the day and and part of the night / morning hours) these last couple of days and for a little while during the day, I can revert to some normalcy but it involves being stoned. I had a few days in between where I was OK but now it's kind of like I'm getting a little worse (time to call the specialist). As far as my natural medicine is concerned, I feel that it still calms my intestines but not right away. It takes a few minutes after the muscle spasms have had their way with me.

The first night, there was only about 4ft all the way from the living room to the dining room complete as Tonto used that small area to play on. It seemed his toys slid across that area much better than the concrete where the carpet was. It was time to get rid of that carpet and we will get rid of the rest eventually but this should be a good start.

I do know that this floor surface is much more fun to clean than the linoleum or the carpet. It just wasn't all that much fun using lots of elbow grease or vacuuming on the old flooring. I kept hoping that it would just mop itself but that never happens;?.

Oh and Tonto stayed with one of my sweet neighbors and tried to become friends with her kitties. It was a good experience for Tonto and getting used to other people. I think I will always be his favorite human; it took about 3 years for him to fully trust my honey. He still will not listen to him fully. My honey can call his name and keep calling it, but he won't fully listen; sometimes there will be a rare moment when he does but he mostly listens to me. I can call his name and most of the time I get a "here I am mom!" and he walks right up to me. There is always that chattiness about him.

I was able to take both of them to the vet today and wow! $450 later, and then it will also cost nearly $700 to have both of their teeth cleaned. I have to think about doing this eventually but I plan to seek another vet. It used to be less than $200 but now over $350 for each of them. Maybe my dentist can do it cheaper? Life costs money and these pets really help me through many of these troubled times. I have many happy moments where I can laugh at each of them or just smile. I guess they are kind of natural medicine for both myself and my husband.

I did get a kick out of the reactions from some of the vet techs as they talked about how awesome Tonto and Blue Belle are. I could hear the conversations in the back (I was in a small examining room) as they talked about each of them and how Tonto walked back into the office on his leash. He just wanted to be in the room with mommy and Blue Belle. The compliments on their names were the best. I have to admit that both of their names were well chosen for their personalities. The most important thing is that they are there for each other at a vet's appointment and it was as if I was a mom of two well behaved kids.

I had been scared that Tonto would puke all over my neighbor's home after his medications and trip to the vet. I was reading over the receipt and directions for his medications. I did see a CAUTION: that he may experience nausea from his shots. This was after I brought him over. I freaked a little bit worrying about this small thing. He had slobbed all over me on the way home and he even left a poopie stain on my pants from the fecal test I suppose. He has some Vaseline on his little butthole and it stained my pants a little when I took him to the car. It was on the way home that he had slobbed on me.

After I got home from taking both to the vet, I had to take a nap and then I got sick. I didn't think I would be able to make it to the Survivor's reception. I sure wanted to and I did everything I could to go. I did go and happy that I did! The Survivor's reception at the American Cancer Society in Campbell, CA. I met several survivor's and even found a potential team to join. I am still quite confused on that as I did sign up as an individual but we will see what happens. I got an email request and not sure how that went but what ever team I end up on; should be good! It's Relay for Life! I know now that I have 2 teams that wish to have me. On the team that I met this evening, I could get the shift I want (1am - 2am walking). I didn't eat anything while there; they did have the most amazing punch I have ever had.

I didn't bring Blue Belle to the event and I did have a small panic attack when I got there. I started crying and just couldn't stop. I immediately went into the bathroom; It was embarrassing to have to deal with. I think because of my nephostomy bag and the fact that I am going through these anxieties of not knowing what is going on with my intestines and to be at this event as a survivor; I was feeling like less of one (survivor) right then. Well the reasons for that is because this last surgery has been so hard on me to get stronger; sometimes I feel like I am not getting stronger and this is very frustrating for me. I didn't have my little buddy there to encourage me and cancer really is something that we need to find a cure for. I'm facing more chemo when I get stronger, but yes, I still have to take life one day at a time.

I met some really amazing women when I got there and I think that I may have been a survivor who has really been through the ringer quite a bit more than many. I also found out that I can indeed bring my service dog with me to walk and my husband and I are more than welcome to walk together with her. Right before I left I had told some of the women about my service dog and how I got there without her. I started crying again and those sweet ladies walked me right to my car. I think I'm just emotional from being scared for my life.

I got home OK and then went and picked up Tonto. My sweet neighbors came over to see my new floor and then I immediate got sick. Actually one neighbor came by right before I left for the Survivor Benefit? and then my neighbor who was watching Tonto came over (just for a few moments). Then after she left; I raced upstairs and did my usual ritual (Sitz Baths one after another = 5). I've been puking more so than number 2 but the spasms are very, very real. Sometimes it feels like my heart is going to come right up my esophagus. No, it's not at all pleasant, but I get through it each time. I will be calling the internist tomorrow morning with out a doubt (reminder on my iPhone). I hope to provide more updates but I do plan on being OK. Worrying will not do me any good, just prayers and good positive thoughts!) Hint...Hint...