Floors almost done...getting ready for family..

Wow! It has been a whole week since I last updated and my apologies for the delay. I have been online for a few days but it has literally taken all of my energy to get the small things done (laundry, sometimes making lunches, putting small things away, changing sheets, etc.) The flooring is almost complete and I still have yet to download all the photos of all the excitement. My brother arrives tomorrow evening; technically Friday morning. (hint, hint, another break in updates)

The new floor is really amazing and that's all I can tell you right now. I was able to do a small amount of yoga last night and will try to will my intestines to work right. They just don't seem to know my asshole from my mouth from anything! I am still puking and shitting at the same time and that totally sucks!( I am making the most of it and have lagged at calling and leaving a message with the specialist. For some odd reason, I start thinking that I will improve just magically with out the specialist, surgeons and doctors. Call it hope or faith, and I still have tomorrow morning to make an appointment. My younger brother understands and just wants to hang with me here in CA!)

To be quite honest, I have been in so much pain (not all the time, but during part of the day and and part of the night / morning hours) these last couple of days and for a little while during the day, I can revert to some normalcy but it involves being stoned. I had a few days in between where I was OK but now it's kind of like I'm getting a little worse (time to call the specialist). As far as my natural medicine is concerned, I feel that it still calms my intestines but not right away. It takes a few minutes after the muscle spasms have had their way with me.

The first night, there was only about 4ft all the way from the living room to the dining room complete as Tonto used that small area to play on. It seemed his toys slid across that area much better than the concrete where the carpet was. It was time to get rid of that carpet and we will get rid of the rest eventually but this should be a good start.

I do know that this floor surface is much more fun to clean than the linoleum or the carpet. It just wasn't all that much fun using lots of elbow grease or vacuuming on the old flooring. I kept hoping that it would just mop itself but that never happens;?.

Oh and Tonto stayed with one of my sweet neighbors and tried to become friends with her kitties. It was a good experience for Tonto and getting used to other people. I think I will always be his favorite human; it took about 3 years for him to fully trust my honey. He still will not listen to him fully. My honey can call his name and keep calling it, but he won't fully listen; sometimes there will be a rare moment when he does but he mostly listens to me. I can call his name and most of the time I get a "here I am mom!" and he walks right up to me. There is always that chattiness about him.

I was able to take both of them to the vet today and wow! $450 later, and then it will also cost nearly $700 to have both of their teeth cleaned. I have to think about doing this eventually but I plan to seek another vet. It used to be less than $200 but now over $350 for each of them. Maybe my dentist can do it cheaper? Life costs money and these pets really help me through many of these troubled times. I have many happy moments where I can laugh at each of them or just smile. I guess they are kind of natural medicine for both myself and my husband.

I did get a kick out of the reactions from some of the vet techs as they talked about how awesome Tonto and Blue Belle are. I could hear the conversations in the back (I was in a small examining room) as they talked about each of them and how Tonto walked back into the office on his leash. He just wanted to be in the room with mommy and Blue Belle. The compliments on their names were the best. I have to admit that both of their names were well chosen for their personalities. The most important thing is that they are there for each other at a vet's appointment and it was as if I was a mom of two well behaved kids.

I had been scared that Tonto would puke all over my neighbor's home after his medications and trip to the vet. I was reading over the receipt and directions for his medications. I did see a CAUTION: that he may experience nausea from his shots. This was after I brought him over. I freaked a little bit worrying about this small thing. He had slobbed all over me on the way home and he even left a poopie stain on my pants from the fecal test I suppose. He has some Vaseline on his little butthole and it stained my pants a little when I took him to the car. It was on the way home that he had slobbed on me.

After I got home from taking both to the vet, I had to take a nap and then I got sick. I didn't think I would be able to make it to the Survivor's reception. I sure wanted to and I did everything I could to go. I did go and happy that I did! The Survivor's reception at the American Cancer Society in Campbell, CA. I met several survivor's and even found a potential team to join. I am still quite confused on that as I did sign up as an individual but we will see what happens. I got an email request and not sure how that went but what ever team I end up on; should be good! It's Relay for Life! I know now that I have 2 teams that wish to have me. On the team that I met this evening, I could get the shift I want (1am - 2am walking). I didn't eat anything while there; they did have the most amazing punch I have ever had.

I didn't bring Blue Belle to the event and I did have a small panic attack when I got there. I started crying and just couldn't stop. I immediately went into the bathroom; It was embarrassing to have to deal with. I think because of my nephostomy bag and the fact that I am going through these anxieties of not knowing what is going on with my intestines and to be at this event as a survivor; I was feeling like less of one (survivor) right then. Well the reasons for that is because this last surgery has been so hard on me to get stronger; sometimes I feel like I am not getting stronger and this is very frustrating for me. I didn't have my little buddy there to encourage me and cancer really is something that we need to find a cure for. I'm facing more chemo when I get stronger, but yes, I still have to take life one day at a time.

I met some really amazing women when I got there and I think that I may have been a survivor who has really been through the ringer quite a bit more than many. I also found out that I can indeed bring my service dog with me to walk and my husband and I are more than welcome to walk together with her. Right before I left I had told some of the women about my service dog and how I got there without her. I started crying again and those sweet ladies walked me right to my car. I think I'm just emotional from being scared for my life.

I got home OK and then went and picked up Tonto. My sweet neighbors came over to see my new floor and then I immediate got sick. Actually one neighbor came by right before I left for the Survivor Benefit? and then my neighbor who was watching Tonto came over (just for a few moments). Then after she left; I raced upstairs and did my usual ritual (Sitz Baths one after another = 5). I've been puking more so than number 2 but the spasms are very, very real. Sometimes it feels like my heart is going to come right up my esophagus. No, it's not at all pleasant, but I get through it each time. I will be calling the internist tomorrow morning with out a doubt (reminder on my iPhone). I hope to provide more updates but I do plan on being OK. Worrying will not do me any good, just prayers and good positive thoughts!) Hint...Hint...

Failed Surgery - Bag Stays for now....

Well I just got back from the hospital and yes, I am very, very bummed. I ain't gonna lie but I have been crying and still am. The stupid piss bag is here to stay for right now; not sure how long; but they will try again in a month and if that fails then I have to wait several months for a Urologist and the Urologist would have to try from the other end; Interventional Radiology is trying to insert the tube through my back and down the Ureter. I still have to hold on to faith that I have at least another snowboard season in store for me.

Might as well tell you about the whole failed experience. I didn't sleep hardly at all; it must have been anxiety and worrying about not being able to get rid of this stupid piss bag. I did still have diarrhea and nausea pretty much all night long; it was another sleepless night. The spasms had started and I also freaked out again about them because this time they felt as if I was going to have a heart attack. I took 2 Vicodens for the pain and then konked out.

We awoke at 6:30 and just got ready (I grabbed anything that didn't have any metal buttons or snaps, washed my face, brushed my hair and teeth, dressed), I also took Blue Belle out for her walk, fed her and Tonto and cleaned their water dishes = gave them fresh water. We left the house around 7:40am in order to arrive no later than 8am.

Once we got to the office we could see employees arriving and a very long line for radiology. The girl at the desk looked like "it". I couldn't see her face at all for her hair and she was so incredibly slow at what she was doing from what I could see (she was probably just as tired and as grumpy as me and my honey) of her. I don't think she could even see the long line for all the hair in her face. It was amazing.

It was finally our turn and we gave "it" our information and then sat back down. I brought my blanket and layed it down for a quick nap until the moment our name might be called.

We waited for about 15 minutes or so before being called by a young man as he also called on another couple to follow along with us. We followed this young gentleman to the back past all the radiography stuff and then all of a sudden the other other couple was gone. I must have been so tired that I didn't notice where he dropped them off at.

Within a few minutes we were brought in to a waiting area with gurneys and curtains. The young man directed me to sit in the gurney on the corner end;, I was to change out of my clothes and into a ridiculous ass showing gown. I got to keep my pants on but had to loose my T-shirt. After I changed, I moved all the way over to the the left side and allowed for my honey to sleep next to me. We were both so incredibility tired and not at all used to getting up so early in the AM.

We both lay in the smaller than twin size gurney and napped together for about 15-20 minutes. (I took this shot of my honey sleeping right next to me). It's not his most flattering angle and "No" he is not going bald (yet); I refuse to admit any of that; he is hot enough for me and that's all that matters! He does has a high forehead and believe me, he's entitled to have one since he is 44 years old and has been with his crazy wife all these years and knowing that I probably worry him to death more times than he deserves to be! He still gets IDed every once in a while; hell so do I sometimes.

I was already having dreams and everything when finally someone came in and woke us both up from our beauty sleep to inform us that I needed an IV. For some reason inserting this IV was much easier than expected and it was in my hand of all places. I thought that was ruined long ago!

Once I was set up for fluids and medications it wasn't long after that I would be wheeled to surgery. With that, my honey gave me a fabulous kiss as everyone on the team had his number should anything go wrong. I still had that little worry in my gut that I could not do anything about. I wanted it gone but I tried my best to ignore it; it was that little ounce of worry that the surgery may not work (like my doctor had warned me).

I don't want this piss bag thing to be permanent. I just want to live a normal life; I can't just not lift things, not ride my bike, not ride on the back of my honey's Dyna Street Glide, not shower, not take baths, not swim? It just doesn't seem fair. I always have to worry about these stupid wires in my back?

Anyway, I was brought back to surgery where it was cold, cold, cold. I was given toasty warm blankets and had even brought my own favorite from home. I was instructed to lie on my stomach and given 3 different shots of sedative each and every time I felt anything or if I looked like I felt something; I would be asked first. I felt quite awake and normal during the surgery and not the least bit drunk or disorderly. I was still and watching the camera and the little wire thing trying to connect; it was very confusing but I was hoping and praying that that little tube could make it through my Ureter?.

I so wanted it to work and kept encouraging the surgeon to not give up; he's doing a fabulous job; this will work; everything possitive, all the possitive thoughts I could possibly think of and praying ("Dear God, please allow these nice people to insert what they need to insert so that I can finally get rid of this stupid piss bag") and then I kept feeling this little jabbing inside me; it did feel just like a wire? I did have to say "Ouch" because it was an "Ouch" moment. The sweet lady with the surrenges came back to give me more sedatives which really helped with the pain. I then heard; I'm really sorry "Jayne". This isn't working; your kidneys are too damaged right now to work with and we will need another month for them to heal. The tube is all twisted and impossible to get a stint through. So Yes, another month with this stupid Piss Bag and even then there is still no guarantee that this will even work, but you know what; fuck Guarantees; Life is supposed to be full of surprises; so I guess I will just HOPE for the BEST.

It was trippy being half awake during this surgery and I sure hope that I am eventually going to be able to get rid of this stupid piss bag. I sure hope this isn't impossible.

We got home from the surgery a little after 4pmish and I crashed hard. I didn't wake up until after 11pm. So yes, I am back to my old sleeping habits which have become problematic for getting things done during the day.

More Days for Observation...

My vitals have remained solid and very good this entire time I have been in the hospital; this includes my heart rate, oxygen level, pulse, and most importantly, my temperature; which has remained normal. They have not changed at all since I have been here (since Wednesday evening).

When the OBGYN doctors returned the very next morning which was yesterday (Thursday); it was revealed from my CAT scan that my right kidney is blocked from the infection. Now this could be from a number of causes. For now, I would need to get a tube inserted surgically and then a bag attached in order to collect the contents or my right kidney. In other words, I would need to get a pee bag. If I delayed or nothing was done; my right kidney could become permanently damaged.

We did arrive on time and everything seemed to be caught early so we really needed to act quick in order to save my right kidney. I was told this bag would need to remain in place for at least a few months. I was pretty bummed to say the least but I do need my right kidney so I'm over it for now and ready to begin this whole healing process for however long it should take. So what is this exactly? What's the terminology for this pee bag? It's called "Percutaneous Nephrostomy".

The whole surgical process for getting the nephrostomy was pretty trippy. I wasn't wheeled into surgery until a little after 4pm. I was first wheeled into the surgery waiting area with my honey by my side waiting until it was time for me to go in for my process. My honey gave me a long kiss before I was wheeled in to the surgery room as we each told each other how much we loved each other.

When I got into the room, my gurney was pushed directly next to the operating table; a whole team greeted me as they each did their own thing. I was instructed to move over to the operating table as several team members helped me over. It was a comfy operating table; I had a pillow to place my tummy directly onto and a nice toasty blanket was put on my back as I lied down on my stomach. One technician operated on my back and I could feel the cold oozy gel that was placed on me then the wand from the ultra sound machine which guided the technician who was to insert the tubes into my right kidney.

I was given medication to first numb me and then to sedate me but I was still awake enough to watch the screen and to hear everyone in the room and even communicate to them. After the drugs I could barely feel little needles in my back to numb the area in which to insert the tubes into my kidney. It didn't take very long at all. It seemed only about 10 minutes in all.

All of a sudden I asked "are you done?" and they all replied "yes, all done". I was then moved back to my gurney and then wheeled back to my room where my honey was patiently waiting. He walked over to help me back into my bed and then he kissed my forehead as we both told each other how much we loved each other. This happens all the time. We must tell each other how much we love each other at least a hundred times a day. It's just the way that it is. He is there for me and I am there for him even though lately it has seemed a little lopsided.

Now this bag here fills up surprisingly quickly and I have also been peeing up a storm. I'm not sure how I am going to handle so many months with this contraption but I know in my heart I can manage to. I wonder how riding on the motorcycle or even swimming will be with this contraption or if its even possibly? Will I be able to or do I need to skip this hot summer and not swim? I sure hope not; I pray this thing doesn't have to stay in as long as they are suggesting.

I did find that I was incredibly constipated yesterday and requested to have a suppository. The pharmacy was so incredibly slow that it took 7 hours to get my suppository. The nurse finally complained to the slow pharmacist that there are many out there who need a job and that he needs to put some fire into his ass. I laughed; what a an awesome crazy nurse! My kind of lady!)

I have been blessed with some very sweet nurses except for that huge brute downstairs in Emergency. He was the best at finding a vein? What the hell!? Give me a break! I have seen so many others who proved miracles on my viens. I mean miracles!) Anyway enough about the bad Kharma.

I finally got my suppository and shit out lots of tiny little pebbles (hard shit) and boy did it hurt. It was such a grueling process of trying to update my blog and keep running back and forth to the bathroom to squeeze and squeeze and only get a miserable little pebble and then have my ass burn like crazy. I finally had to give up and work on it this morning. I took many breaks and finally here it is!

Well back to last night, I finally had enough pain and started noticing that my tummy was leaking some so I just grabbed a big stack of paper towels and my puke bucket by my side. I had a shot of morphine for the incredible pain of rocks slowing squeezing out of my ass (the kind with sharp edges or at least it felt that way). I also had an extra padding of diaper stuff (the padding they normally put on hospital beds to keep you from peeing or pooing on your bed) and just lied there and let nature take it course. I finally got all the pebbles out one by one in my bed. My back hurting far to bad to try to utilize the bed pan, so the paper towels worked like a gem. After I was done, I emptied my bucket into the trash in the bathroom (so I wouldn't have to smell a thing).

My honey came by later on and spent the night with me. He was bummed because of the Sharks very poor performance on their game 1 of the Stanley Cup playoffs. A whole shut out by a rookie. He had me to cheer him up even though my situation is not too much of a cheer but we are just grateful that I am alive.

It was a long night of having to get more pain medication, benadryl, getting my nephrostomy bag emptied, peeing, or getting more water.

UPDATE: I have been getting treated by that one doctor that had been so negative. I kind of feel he was negative at that time because he was tired and of course I nearly looked dead to him because I was in dire need of a blood transfusion (discoloration in my skin). I was in very bad shape and I picked up on that which is more than likely what made me freak out.

He is currently being very wonderful with us. These two days have been encouraging and he has given me hope that I will healing up just fine. I always give people more chances to prove themselves. I understand completely that we all have our days. I just ask of others to just be pleasant with me and don't cause me any stress. That's not too much to ask for at all. Peace and Love.

He has been encouraged by my healing. He told me today that the nephrostomy may just be in me for about a month or less than a month. I will be able to swim this summer. I will need to get a stint in order to keep the opening which more than likely is blocked due to scar tissue build up from all of my surgeries. This would be simple and I'm not sure how long the stint will have to be in but I would need to see a urologist for all of that. I may get to go home tomorrow but we will see.

If you notice in this photo, you will see 2 black lines. These are sutures from my incision to the abdominal wall with the layer of skin on top. Pretty facinating. Now the pen marks are marks where my skin was red from the infection. Now you see no infection what so ever just the gruesome photo of a hole which will heal up just fine!)


UPDATE: At around 5:30pm today; my husband and I were watching "the Dog Whisperer" together and I was actually craving a Fish Sandwich with extra tarter sauce, cravings for my favorite pasta salad; oh and so much more. I was actually fantasizing about all kinds of fattening foods I could eat once I get out of this joint. I felt so incredibly hungry and still am.

Well that soon changed when one of the OBGYN doctors came by to check on my dressing. We were all so confident that I could get to go home tomorrow and that it was all over. As I pulled my gown up; our mouths all dropped as we saw the dressing was wet with yellow. "Oh No! It can't be!" I thought. We pulled every thing back and the gauze that fit inside the wound was nearly black from fecal matter. A fistula had made it's way to my wound and this originated in my bowels. No food or water for me for at least a week or two; quite possibly longer. I will need to get a pick line inserted tomorrow to begin intravenous feeding so that I don't waste away to nothing.

How incredibly disappointing to know that I will need to spend another couple of weeks in the hospital again. I cried and cried in my honey's arms and the nurse brought me a painkiller and an Ativan to calm me down.

My honey calmed me and reassured me and together we both agreed that damn it! I'm one tough woman, I can still heal; I can get through this; I just know that I can! I have love, plenty of support from family and friends who also love me, more TV channels (National Geographic, Animal Planet) than before to get me by; although I really do miss Rachel Maddow like crazy; they do have 2 Fox Noise channels which really puzzles me and no MSNBC. It's not really news; it's mostly propaganda and besides Bill O'Reilly is Prozac for me; first he makes me crazy and second he kills my sex drive because he is so dam vile and nasty.

Anyway more updates to come!) Hope you enjoy even though I am stuck here in the hospital for what appears to be a long time. I will be healing; I promise!)