WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Monday, May 18, 2009

Failed Surgery - Bag Stays for now....

Well I just got back from the hospital and yes, I am very, very bummed. I ain't gonna lie but I have been crying and still am. The stupid piss bag is here to stay for right now; not sure how long; but they will try again in a month and if that fails then I have to wait several months for a Urologist and the Urologist would have to try from the other end; Interventional Radiology is trying to insert the tube through my back and down the Ureter. I still have to hold on to faith that I have at least another snowboard season in store for me.

Might as well tell you about the whole failed experience. I didn't sleep hardly at all; it must have been anxiety and worrying about not being able to get rid of this stupid piss bag. I did still have diarrhea and nausea pretty much all night long; it was another sleepless night. The spasms had started and I also freaked out again about them because this time they felt as if I was going to have a heart attack. I took 2 Vicodens for the pain and then konked out.

We awoke at 6:30 and just got ready (I grabbed anything that didn't have any metal buttons or snaps, washed my face, brushed my hair and teeth, dressed), I also took Blue Belle out for her walk, fed her and Tonto and cleaned their water dishes = gave them fresh water. We left the house around 7:40am in order to arrive no later than 8am.

Once we got to the office we could see employees arriving and a very long line for radiology. The girl at the desk looked like "it". I couldn't see her face at all for her hair and she was so incredibly slow at what she was doing from what I could see (she was probably just as tired and as grumpy as me and my honey) of her. I don't think she could even see the long line for all the hair in her face. It was amazing.

It was finally our turn and we gave "it" our information and then sat back down. I brought my blanket and layed it down for a quick nap until the moment our name might be called.

We waited for about 15 minutes or so before being called by a young man as he also called on another couple to follow along with us. We followed this young gentleman to the back past all the radiography stuff and then all of a sudden the other other couple was gone. I must have been so tired that I didn't notice where he dropped them off at.

Within a few minutes we were brought in to a waiting area with gurneys and curtains. The young man directed me to sit in the gurney on the corner end;, I was to change out of my clothes and into a ridiculous ass showing gown. I got to keep my pants on but had to loose my T-shirt. After I changed, I moved all the way over to the the left side and allowed for my honey to sleep next to me. We were both so incredibility tired and not at all used to getting up so early in the AM.

We both lay in the smaller than twin size gurney and napped together for about 15-20 minutes. (I took this shot of my honey sleeping right next to me). It's not his most flattering angle and "No" he is not going bald (yet); I refuse to admit any of that; he is hot enough for me and that's all that matters! He does has a high forehead and believe me, he's entitled to have one since he is 44 years old and has been with his crazy wife all these years and knowing that I probably worry him to death more times than he deserves to be! He still gets IDed every once in a while; hell so do I sometimes.

I was already having dreams and everything when finally someone came in and woke us both up from our beauty sleep to inform us that I needed an IV. For some reason inserting this IV was much easier than expected and it was in my hand of all places. I thought that was ruined long ago!

Once I was set up for fluids and medications it wasn't long after that I would be wheeled to surgery. With that, my honey gave me a fabulous kiss as everyone on the team had his number should anything go wrong. I still had that little worry in my gut that I could not do anything about. I wanted it gone but I tried my best to ignore it; it was that little ounce of worry that the surgery may not work (like my doctor had warned me).

I don't want this piss bag thing to be permanent. I just want to live a normal life; I can't just not lift things, not ride my bike, not ride on the back of my honey's Dyna Street Glide, not shower, not take baths, not swim? It just doesn't seem fair. I always have to worry about these stupid wires in my back?

Anyway, I was brought back to surgery where it was cold, cold, cold. I was given toasty warm blankets and had even brought my own favorite from home. I was instructed to lie on my stomach and given 3 different shots of sedative each and every time I felt anything or if I looked like I felt something; I would be asked first. I felt quite awake and normal during the surgery and not the least bit drunk or disorderly. I was still and watching the camera and the little wire thing trying to connect; it was very confusing but I was hoping and praying that that little tube could make it through my Ureter?.

I so wanted it to work and kept encouraging the surgeon to not give up; he's doing a fabulous job; this will work; everything possitive, all the possitive thoughts I could possibly think of and praying ("Dear God, please allow these nice people to insert what they need to insert so that I can finally get rid of this stupid piss bag") and then I kept feeling this little jabbing inside me; it did feel just like a wire? I did have to say "Ouch" because it was an "Ouch" moment. The sweet lady with the surrenges came back to give me more sedatives which really helped with the pain. I then heard; I'm really sorry "Jayne". This isn't working; your kidneys are too damaged right now to work with and we will need another month for them to heal. The tube is all twisted and impossible to get a stint through. So Yes, another month with this stupid Piss Bag and even then there is still no guarantee that this will even work, but you know what; fuck Guarantees; Life is supposed to be full of surprises; so I guess I will just HOPE for the BEST.

It was trippy being half awake during this surgery and I sure hope that I am eventually going to be able to get rid of this stupid piss bag. I sure hope this isn't impossible.

We got home from the surgery a little after 4pmish and I crashed hard. I didn't wake up until after 11pm. So yes, I am back to my old sleeping habits which have become problematic for getting things done during the day.


nat said...

Oh CJ... I can only imagine how disappointing that experience was for you. I hope that this month goes by fast for you so they can get that bag off of you! I know you will continue to find joy in every day.

Hang in there - I am so sorry :(

Nilz said...

I am also hopeful! You are optimistic, you are confident, and above all you are the most courageous lady I have ever seen. Fortune favors the brave. I know you'll recover completely.

TC said...

I'm so sorry it didn't work. It will eventually though. In that I have confidence. Your body has been through so much, just cry if you need, rest if you need, enjoy what you can and a month will pass. Remember the mind is a great healer. {{{hugs}}}

Daria said...

I'm sorry ... thinking of you.

l'optimiste said...

a month is nothing compared to what you've already been through. With your confident little head on, you can do this. And we are all here for you. And we EXPECT you to beat it :o)

Reading that you were still crying while you posted made my heart break - I've done posts where I've been crying, but I never had so much reason as you do right this minute.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this it sucks; and now I'm crying too. CJ, keep on keeping on babe.

Sophie said...

keep the faith and positive attitude. It will see you through.

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My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

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