Gotta Keep Living!....

With each day passing since the news; it's been easier and easier to convince myself that the doctors could be very wrong about me; I could have several years still left in me. They don't know my strong will to survive or my spirit. For now, I just plan to enjoy everyday that I can; I really need to clean up my messy closet and to try to get all affairs straightened out for my honey so that he doesn't have to suffer any kind of headaches when I am gone. I hate planning things like this; I have tons of clothes and items that I plan to take over to the Salvation Army and get a receipt for his taxes for next year. I hope I am able to at least leave him with some amount of money to cover any costs of getting rid of me (cremation) and to help him with moving on. God that must sound bad; it does makes me cry just a little bit to think that way.

I am at least controlling the pain and have been ahead of it so far. I did get behind some the day before yesterday and have vowed never to do that again. The pain in my abdomen is far too great to have to suffer like that. I can hear myself digest and the sad thing is; is that I don't have any appetite to even eat anything. I tried to eat a bagel (only ate a 4th of it), then 1/2 an orange which really made me sick; so sick that I had to lay down and hopefully not puke it up. I can't just live off of junk food and ice cream even though I have been surviving on ice cream smoothies ever couple of days I will have one.

I have also been getting quite a bit of diarrhea and it could be from the Cipro which I have to take twice a day at the same exact time every day which 7am and 7pm. I am riding my bike everyday and doing some yoga and meditation. I moved this Amethyst crystal right in front on my coffee table where I often sit to watch TV. I tried to meditate on the couch and visualize the cancer cells popping, exploding, and dying inside my toxic body. OK, I will be on the search for the right juicer today! It can't be a shitty one that's hard to clean up and leaves sticky residue on my counter space.

Well enough of this depressing shit; let's move on and celebrate National Ovarian Cancer Awareness month and I will start with ways of applying make-up and of course a little blurb about the special Hope Make-up Bag from L’Oréal Paris

THE L’ORÉAL PARIS COLOR of HOPE COSMETICS BAG

L’Oréal Paris will offer the limited edition Color of Hope Cosmetics Bag, which includes four key products from the company’s Color of Hope Cosmetics Collection in a silver cosmetics pouch, for a limited time only.With an approximate retail value of almost $50, the L’Oréal Paris Color of Hope Cosmetics Bag is a great value with a retail price of only $29.95.

L’Oréal Paris will donate $5 from each cosmetics bag purchased to the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund (OCRF).

HOW TO CREATE BEAUTIFUL MAKEUP LOOKS AND FEEL GREAT ABOUT HELPING TO FUND OVARIAN CANCER RESEARCH

EXPERT ADVICE FROM L’ORÉAL PARIS CONSULTING MAKEUP ARTIST COLLIER STRONG

LOOK #1: BOLD EYES AND SOFT LIPS

This look is all about bold, beautiful eyes using the symbolic color of ovarian cancer awareness—teal—with the Wear Infinité Eye Shadow Quad in Bouquet of Strength.

• Sweep the soft, shimmering gold shadow on the brow bone as well as on the inner corners of the eyes.
• Give eyes a gorgeous a pop of teal shadow across the entire lid.
• Use a very fine dark blue liner on the top of the lash line.
  
• Finish with several coats of black mascara.
• Make lips understated and warm with the Colour Riche Lipcolour in Color of Hope.
• To complete the look, dust cheeks with warm, natural blush.

LOOK #2: DARK, DRAMATIC LIPS AND PRETTY EYES

The inspiration for this look is deep, dramatic lips and a soft, daytime look for eyes, once again using the color teal and other shades found in the Wear Infinité Eye Shadow Quad in Bouquet of Strength.

• Use the soft gold to apply across the brow bone and the eye-opening teal from the inner corners to the center of the eye.
• Sweep the neutral taupe shadow from the center of the lid to the outer corners and under the lower lashes.
• Line the upper lash line with the deep blue shade.
• Dust cheeks with a soft and natural shade of blush.
• Lips are the focal point to complete this look; start with Colour Riche Lipcolour in Hopeful Plum.
• To intensify the lips and add shine, top with a dab of Infallible Never Fail Lipgloss in Hopeful Plum.

Collier Strong, world-renowned makeup artist, has used his gifts to enhance and illuminate the faces of Eva Longoria Parker, Kerry Washington, Diane Keaton, Marcia Cross, Kate Beckinsale, Andie MacDowell and many more of the world’s most beautiful women. Now, as L’Oréal’s Consulting Makeup Artist, Collier is dedicated to making his brand of beauty—fresh, flawless, sophisticated—available to everybody.

“True beauty is about confidence. When people look beautiful, they feel good about themselves. I have always felt a strong desire to use my creativity to make that difference in people’s lives.”

L’Oréal Paris - Color Of Hope: Celebrates Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month

As part of my commitment to L’Oréal Paris as a Hope Ambassador, today I will be blogging about what L’Oréal Paris and the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund (OCRF) is committing to help fight and win the battle for many women with Ovarian Cancer and to help promote awareness of this very deadly disease so that this disease will hopefully be found early more often than being found in it's Advanced Stages. Most often it is diagnosed in later stages. 70-75% of the time the cancer has spread to other parts of the abdomen before it is even detected. September is after all if National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month.

This will not be one of my usual posts of updating how I am doing and what I am doing but it will be more or less dedicated to all women survivors and (kind of?) advertising some great products for which anything item purchased, $1 will be donated to Ovarian Cancer Research. This is a passion of mine and I hope to do something special for Pancreatic Cancer in the near future as well since the cancer which killed Patrick Swayze is the most deadly of all cancers is also the least funded. I still hope you enjoy this post. Thank you so much for your time.

L’Oréal Paris is the leading corporation supporting ovarian cancer research and, as such, has helped raise in excess of $18 million. Integral to its mission is increasing awareness of the disease and educating women about the vague and often overlooked signs and symptoms of ovarian cancer.

Here are the 4 most common early Signs and Symptoms:

• Bloating
• Pelvic or abdominal pain
• Difficulty eating or feeling full quickly
• Urinary symptoms (urgency or frequency)

Women who have these symptoms almost daily for more than a few weeks should see their doctor, preferably a gynecologist. It is recommended that you get an ultrasound in order to detect any tumors and research has suggested that it offers the most vital information for detecting ovarian cancer, according to a recent study conducted at the University of Kentucky Chandler Medical Center-Markey Cancer Center.

Furthering its commitment to women’s health, L’Oréal Paris has supported a variety of ovarian cancer awareness and fundraising initiatives, including its annual Color Cosmetics Collection, “Color of Hope,” and the biannual L’Oréal Legends Gala in New York City. The company’s latest endeavor is an informational consumer call center, in collaboration with L’Oréal Paris’ 12-year charitable partner, the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund (OCRF). This September, the L’Oréal Paris OCRF Hope Line, 1-877-OV-HOPE-1, will provide free information and support to women who are faced with an ovarian cancer diagnosis.

Each year 22,000 women are diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and 15,000 women will lose their battle with the disease. The five-year survival rate for women with ovarian cancer is currently less than 50 percent, and there is no effective method of early detection. There is a cluster of symptoms—unexplained pelvic or abdominal pain, bloating, difficulty eating or feeling full quickly and/or urinary symptoms (urgency or frequency)—that should be further evaluated by your doctor if they are unexplained and persist for up to two weeks at a time.

In 2009, L’Oréal Paris will continue to:

1. Offer significant financial support to fund critical research initiatives identified by our partner, the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund (www.ocrf.org).
2. Provide support for women and families currently coping with the disease.
   
3. Raise awareness of the signs and symptoms of the disease and emphasize the importance of early detection.

THE L’ORÉAL PARIS COLOR of HOPE COSMETICS COLLECTION

This annual makeup collection celebrates L’Oréal Paris’ ongoing commitment to the fi ght against ovarian cancer and helps raise much-needed funds for ovarian cancer research.Featuring products for eyes, lips and nails, the L’Oréal Paris Color of Hope Cosmetics Collection teams up three shades: the universally flattering shade of mauve, vibrant teal—the color symbolizing ovarian cancer awareness—and the on-trend accent shade of rich plum.

FUNDRAISING

L’Oréal Paris will donate $1 from the sale of each item in the Color of Hope Cosmetics Collection to its 12-year charitable partner, the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund (OCRF).


PRODUCTS

COLOUR RICHE NURTURING & PROTECTIVE LIPCOLOUR

• Shades: Color of Hope and Hopeful Plum
• This formula features nourishing ingredients like Omega-3 and Vitamin E and is enriched with Argon Oil to condition and soften lips.
• Suggested Retail Price: $8.95

INFALLIBLE NEVER FAIL LIPGLOSS

• Shades: Color of Hope and Hopeful Plum
• Provides six hours of wear in just one step, delivering beautiful, sheer color and high shine with significantly longer wear than the average lipgloss.
• Suggested Retail Price: $9.99

WEAR INFINITÉ EYE SHADOW QUAD

• Shades: Bouquet of Strength and Petals of Promise
• Features a patented, long-wearing formula that is crease-proof and fade-resistant with a smooth, powdery finish. This shadow’s finely milled pigments have exceptional pickup and glide on effortlessly.
• Suggested Retail Price: $8.95

PRO MANICURE NAIL POLISH

• Shades: Color of Hope and Hopeful Plum
• Instantly strengthens nails with a unique Pro-Keratin Complex (derived from natural proteins found in nails) that helps provide stronger, healthier-looking nails. This exclusive formula also contains concentrated color pigments for exceptional vibrancy and shock- proof plasticizers that resist chipping and peeling.
• Suggested Retail Price: $4.99

AVAILABILITY

To coincide with National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month, L’Oréal Paris’ Color of Hope Cosmetics Collection will be available for purchase beginning September 2009. The entire Color of Hope Cosmetics Collection will be available at mass-market retailers nationwide, including Walgreens, CVS and Wal-Mart, while supplies last. The Color of Hope lipcolour and Cosmetics Bag will also be available online at www.lorealcolorofhope.com.

National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month...

I'm so glad that we have a month where we can celebrate our lives with awareness of this horrible disease. September has been officially declared as "National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month". So much emphasis has been on Breast Cancer and true it strikes far more women but Ovarian Cancer still strikes 20,000 women each year and 15,000 women die each year from this disease. In 2008 they had estimated that 21,650 women would be diagnosed and that 15,520 would die from this disease.

If a woman is diagnosed in Stage 1 of this disease, there is 93% survival rate which is much better than the late stage diagnosis. Oftentimes when the disease is discovered it is often in the late stages; most often stage III. Once it is in stage III or higher, then chances of surviving past 5 years is only 46%. Research has determined that 70 - 90% of these women will have a recurrence of the disease. Only 10% of patients with stage 1 will have a recurrence, 30% with stage II, and 70-80% will have a recurrence with stage III, and 90 - 95% of stage IV will have a recurrence.

My doctor and others have told me that once the disease has recurred it often harder to treat. During the initial diagnosis; treatments must be aggressive in order to kill the disease and the frontline or gold standard treatments are often Taxol and Carboplatinum. I'm so glad I didn't have to take these treatments over again after mine had recurred after 3 and half years of getting Peritonitis. Yes, a mistake made my cancer go into remission where as the chemotherapy had brought the cancer down but not completely.

To commemorate this special month, I will share with you all the story of how my cancer went into remission for 3 and half years. Yes, it did come back but it was still 3 and half good years. with out the cancer. Well after all those treatments, there was still quite a bit of cancer inside me. I will never forget that moment in history. Prepare yourself for a long interesting read.

I had just finished 8 treatments of Taxol and Carboplatinum in May of 2003, and a good friend of mine decided to celebrate and take us to Las Vegas to celebrate my life and getting through all that chemo. Tim I love you and we miss you! Anyway, we had such a blast and I had never been to Las Vegas. It was just what we needed to start the healing process. My husband and I got to stay at the Paris and at the Venitian. We got to take a ride on the gondola inside the Venitian while the dude that guided the boat sang opera to us. It was very cool. We also got to see those white tigers but we didn't get to see them perform and this was before Siegfried or what it Roy got wounded from an attack? It was still pretty cool. We also went to a very cool vintage car show; it was the best! Here we are eating at the restaurant on top of the Paris Hotel? I could be wrong. It was so long ago and I'm sporting my pretty blond wig my honey had bought me for Christmas!)

Well after that vacation which was in June 2003, in July we spent a couple of days in Napa. Everyone at my job pitched in (I will never ever forget the kindness these wonderful souls gave me and continue to). We got to take our special honeymoon as we stayed at Milliken Creek Inn and Spa. It was absolutely fabulous. Here we are enjoying breakfast that they prepared each day for us in front of a brook and a gorgeous field where we often saw deer peering up at us. It was very romantic. My hair was barely growing in at this point. We got to go wine tasting and the cool thing was that we went during the slow part of the week so that we could get some bargains rather than paying weekend prices. We stayed about three days but it was ultimately a wonderful honeymoon.

When we got home we had more realities to face. Should we get a second look surgery to see if all the cancer is gone? We decided yes, and we got that schedule around August 19, 2003. It was a sad day when we got the results. I cried in my honey's arms; I'll never forget that moment. We decided to do intraperitoneal chemo so that we could get a chance and kill the fucking cancer. Well the first thing that I needed was a port and that port would have be placed just above my right rib cage. We had the surgery done on September 1, 2003 and I went back to work on September 3rd. I felt like I had the worst gas ever; only I wasn't farting. My tummy swelled to the size where I looked like I was about 5 months pregnant and it started to get quite uncomfortable and painful. A friend of mine went with me to lunch and we tried to eat at Fresh Choice and I couldn't eat anything. I was so nauseated. I then decided when I got to back to work that I needed to go home. My friend thought that I looked so incredibly pail.

I had a guitar lesson that night and the whole time I thought I just had gas. I farted some but not that much. OMG. I had such a pervy midget guitar teacher (he was about 4ft something, very short with long black hair and he was balding) who still hit on me even though I had told him the romantic story of how my husband proposed to me a second time when I awoke from that innitial surgery. I had paid for a whole month of lessons and he was OK in the beginning but after each lesson he just got pervier and pervier until I couldn't handle anymore. I don't know; I get so nervous when dudes try to hit on me. I'm so thankful to be married the best man ever and it sucks when they know that I am married and continue to hit on me anyway.

This little dude knew just how much my husband meant to me and how I much I loved him more than anything in the world. I even told him our romantic story of how we got married. How on earth can a dude do that? I just don't get it? It's totally beyond me. I would never hit on someone who I knew was in a committed relation and was in love as much as I am with my husband. I'm confused. If someone can tell me that; I would really like to know. I did everything in my power for this little fucker not hit on me. I just wanted some good guitar lessons and nothing else; seriously nothing else; just guitar lessons and that's it. I was taking guitar lessons because it was really helping me with my neurapathy that I was starting to get in my hands. I still play some but very rarely. I still feel to this day that guitar playing has helped some with my Chemobrain and the neuropathy.

I suck tremendously. Anyway, I had the lesson and I had smoked about 3 bowls before heading into my guitar lesson (I can function excellently in any situation with this painkiller unlike many others). It worked to get rid of that horrible, horrible gas pain. I was able to carry my guitar to the lesson, get through lesson and his stupid idiotic pathetic ways of hitting on me. (I think this was my very last lesson with the little son of a bitch = sorry he pissed me off). I never wore make-up, tried my best to look homely, OMG he probably would have gone crazy over Blue Belle. Ewwww! He was such a perv!

The pain started to come back towards the end of my lesson and I was so ready to get the hell out of there as he tried to put his arms around me to show me how to strum differently. I was so not into that at all. Just show me how to play and that's it. No touching! He was being really pathetic at this point and it totally grossed me out. It drove me absolutely insane so I cut the lesson short and told him I wasn't feeling well and I wasn't. Sometimes I am just too nice and still trying to give him the benefit of a doubt. I was hurting pretty bad and at this point the pain level was about an 8 as I struggled to lift my guitar into my truck. I drove slowly in the right lane on the highway and was breathing quite heavily. I could not believe the amount pain I was feeling. I still to this day have no idea how I went through an entire guitar lesson and made that drive home. I had to have had a guardian angel with me on that day.

I got home, grabbed my guitar and went inside. My husband had left to go to the city to see a concert with a friend. He deserved his night out; I went over to the bed and decided to lay down and hope the pain would go away. Toonces, my now deceased cat jumped up on the bed with me. I was trying to go to sleep but he wasn't having it. He would smack my back and then bite my shoulder trying to get me up. Finally I had enough and I got up but the pain was horrendous at this point; I could barely breath. I called my husband and told him about it and he in turn called my neighbor Dan. My husband was seconds away from walking inside the Filmore where there is no way he could have heard me. I was in my denial stage of "there's nothing wrong with me". I called the Advice nurse and was on the line with her and then came a knock on the door. It was my neighbor Dan. All of a sudden I had to puke my brains out and he took over on the phone with the advice nurse. I puked up a huge pile of puke with all the warning colors of "Dial 911!". So we did. Yes, there was plenty of blood in the puke.

The ambulance arrived promptly and took me to the Old Hospital where I was given plenty of morphine for the pain and a CAT scan which indicated that there was a rupture in one of my intestines. The doctor had told me that I had a case of Peritonitis and I could have died had I not been brought in sooner. I couldn't believe that I was in that denial phase of "there's nothing wrong me, it's just gas". I had to have emergency surgery the following morning.

To Be Continued Tomorrow...

Chemo once a week and side effects...

I hope these cute photos of Tonto and Blue Belle cheer up many or at least make you laugh.

Well I had my chemo on Monday (it was scheduled at 9am, but I didn't get it until after 10:30am, I was done by 11:15am). For the next 3 days I have side effects (I'm noticing this each week); actually 4 days if you include my face breaking out like crazy and then 2 to 3 days I finally start to feel normal for the week. The day of chemo I'm OK until several hours later when I pass out. The following day; I'm useless for most of the day; I usually wake up with extremely bad nausea and no desire what so ever to eat or drink; but the problem is; I have to. I don't have a choice; if I don't drink anything; the chemo can seriously damage my kidneys so I force myself to use the bong and inhale the THC which in turn makes me drink lots of Gatoraide and Cranberry and water; then the next day; like today; I shit all day long (not only do I feel like shit but I shit all day long and can not be farther than 10 ft from a working toilet) and it's diarrhea (oh the unpleasantries of chemo) that really burns my ass; it's really NO fun at all; but those other great days that fall after those inconveniences are well worth it. Hell just waking up each day next to the man that I love is well worth every bit of suffering with this disease. He makes everything I suffer and go through so worth it! I could go through many years of this with him and with him only!)

I am so blessed to have him in my life and taking care of me that I will never ever take any of what he does for me for granted. Yes, we have problems like most couples but we cherish each day that we do have together like nothing else. I'm also happy for others who also get to experience this type of love and have met many other cancer patients who also have their other half who is with them for better and for worse, richer and for poorer, and in sickness and in health; no matter what they still tough it out and it's not just toughing it out; it's part of life and living. Most people go through hardships no matter what; ours just seems more prevalent lately (we have been having lots of hardships this summer) but hopefully things will get much better. I hope one day that I will be able to stomach and digest real food just like everyone else. I also hope that we can take a small vacation together just to get away for a little while; maybe for a weekend; but the feeding apparatus will have to be gone before we can do that. Don't we all wish for more in life?)

While I was getting my chemo, I saw the cutest couple in front of me where one of them was getting chemo and the other was just there for support. I thought they were cute because they were so appreciative of one another and the care giver was incredibly accommodating to the other. They were two older gentleman (yes I live in CA somewhat close to SF), but yes they were gay and were totally sweet to me. Both had very warm genuine smiles when I looked over at them; we didn't talk; I just watched them; I still had my TV and was able to watch Animal Cops SF and Phoenix; but I have to say it was more entertaining to watch them. I could just see the love in the room as they seemed to have a grand time no matter what. I didn't have anyone else near me as I got my chemo. I never ask my husband to sit there and wait with me while I get my chemo. He used to in the beginning but most of the time I would be asleep from the Benadryl or whatever else they gave me that konked me out. Since then, I have always felt that chemo isn't that exciting enough to sit around but then seeing those two together made me think otherwise. They really were making the most of it.

Anyway, back to this couple, they were both Asian, the one getting chemo was bald and very thin and very tall; his partner was somewhat short and stocky but he was with his partner every step of the way; making sure that he was comfortable; he opened up the case for the computer, brought the computer over where his partner could see it perfectly, spent the time to hook it up and set it up and then the two watched a hilarious movie together; I could tell by the two of them laughing like crazy. They seemed to enjoy every bit of time they had together as they smiled warmly at each other and kissed a few times. My little drip was only an hour and I was there nearly 2 and half hours; they were there way before I was (I knew this because it does take forever for someone to come over and hook up your chemo or get the IV started); he didn't have a port because I could see that he was getting his IV right when I sat down. He got his chemo before I did but his drip was much longer than mine; so I assume his cancer may just be more aggressive or fast growing than mine is. My cancer is slow growing but very persistent and it seems to grow all the time; I feel I may have more time than most who battle however my cancer tends to be more resistant to treatment but we will see. We have about a 10% chance that the chemo will work. I'm praying this treatment is working and not sure if it's just psychological but my husband and I are noticing that my tumor might be shrinking.

Yes, there are still others in this world who are far worse off than I am and maybe can't even eat at all or maybe don't have the time that I have. I've had too many of those weeks where I can't even eat ice chips and now I am so thankful that I can at least eat ice cream, small amounts of very cooked pasta, hate the baby food, soup, some breads, not liking the yogurt or the smoothies all that much. Yes, that's my diet; I'm hoping to include sushi next week and each time I do try to add something new; it's usually hit or miss. I suffer sometimes just for a few days as it tries to make it through my difficult system and sometimes it works and I don't have that many problems; but I still get pain most of the time in my stomach when I am digesting and it gets old.

We are planning to discontinue the intravenous feeding once I get up to 125 and can maintain the weight at least for a week. It really is a challenge now planning around my feedings since I am taken off the drip at lunchtime (when it's convenient) and I get only 6 hours of freedom; that's it! . I can't do any of this myself since flushing requires two hands. The real challenge will be maintaining the weight after I get off the intravenous feeding. I don't have much energy to cook but will just have work on it and do my best. My honey is willing to learn to cook for me; now that is love!)

I'm actually saddened by the loss of Ted Kennedy and I knew it would come soon. I loved him dearly as a politician and he had so much fighting spirit. I want to fight my cancer as he worked hard as a Senator for our country in getting so many great laws passed that help the common people; including Civil Rights. I wish his family the best and I hope the Kennedy family continues to do good things for our country.

I did finally get all the paperwork needed for Blue Belle to be my legal service dog. Check out her new sporty vest; she loves it and feels pretty wearing it!) I am so thankful for laws that protect the disabled. Pets really are therapeutic and can serve a vital purpose for many. I can't get over the smiles that I get when I walk Blue Belle into any public building. She really is the Peace Dog and my neighbor bought me a Tied Died Shirt that says Peace Dog. I wish I could wear it every day now that it is my favorite shirt ever. It used to be my T-shirt that says "Music is my Religion".

Remember next month (September) is "National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month". I will be writing a few posts next month to commemorate this special month and hopefully we can raise some funds for Research. L’Oréal Paris has asked that I be a Hope Ambassador. I feel very honored to do this; so look out for these upcoming posts next month. Peace and Love to all!