WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.

This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.

This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Surviving yet another Christmas!

Check out our gorgeous Christmas Tree!  It was so fun to decorate and it's also easy to take down too!  Its not at all like all the other Christmas trees.  This is Tonto's pride and Joy!  He hates it when we have to take it down so we may keep it up as long as we can.

Boy did I prove my doctors wrong!   I guess I proved that I'm more than some milk carton that has expired; my expiration date keeps on rolling forward; maybe in reality I'm really spoiled?.   It  sure wasn't expected at all that I would survive this long and with  each passing day being a blessing as I witness myself wake up each and every morning next to my loved ones.

Sometimes I have to wake up to a very loud demanding kitty cat  crying at me and then making biscuits with his paws on my pillow in hopes that I will wake up.  It's the sweetest  little things that happen in my bed in the morning until  he starts getting loud and then louder as the minutes drag on for him being so starved to death!; he's just like a spoiled child if I don't wake up with in 5 minutes and feed his big fat ass.   He appears to drag a portion of his fat tummy on the ground and we are still walking him outside (actually he's walking us much like a lab would) when we can to give him some exercise and he claims this workout makes him extremely hungry.   During the day he likes to give me subtle hints of his extreme hunger by licking his empty metal food bowl.   I think he feels that it should always be full of food.  We made that mistake years ago with old Toonces.  He was a perfect weight until he stayed with a friend of ours and had one of those autofeeders that is always full of food.  He  also ate cheap catfood that gave him Cystitus.  You really have to read ingredients before purchasing because all that cheapness can cause massive vet bills!  We had to pay over $5000 for that problem.

Then I get this little Mini Collie girl  (Miss Blue Belle) who doesn't wish to be outdone by her rival sibling brother so she has to plop down in between my honey and I as we wake up together.   My mornings are so often cute with the animals displaying each of their personalities to me and then my honey who helps me get unhooked from the TPN (intravenous feeding), flushes my picc lines with Saline and Heparin so as to not leave my veins completely closed off.   If you don't flush the veins after using them for antibiotics, anti nausea medication, and then the TPN feedings then I would have to go through the misery of trying to get another picc line inserted and at this point; it's just too late for me to get this one replaced.   Everyday really is a blessing; especially if my picc line is still working.   I'm always thankful that it is!  It is really painful to get one inserted!

We had to go to the hospital on Wednesday in the infusion center where most cancer patients receive their chemotherapy treatments and so much more.  I normally go there to get my skoal container refilled and I also had to fix my picc line as it had not been working in weeks for drawing blood.   For the last 3 weeks; my poor little defenseless tiny little rolling veins  which have been getting stuck for several weeks in a row and are not really producing all the blood that is normally needed for blood samples? So then I get stuck more times for more blood?  OMG does it hurt to get stuck and then the nurse having to dig and dig and dig for my  tiny little veins which have conveniently rolled right out of the way of that needle and it seems they are keeping close eye on the needle as to avoid getting stuck all while my poor skin and bones are getting the feeling of that pricking pain!    Oh god do I hate getting stuck when I don't have a clue as to whether my veins are working or not.  Do I have any working veins I often wonder?  I cry sometimes because sometimes it just seems that I'm running out of veins.   It always seems like my veins are all broken.  How much longer can survive like this?  It's pretty scary and I have to get myself out of that state of mind quickly.


Also on Wednesday, I had noticed that Miss Blue Belle had one ear that was flipped more so than her left ear.  The left ear was flipped on the tip and the right was all the way and I checked the ear and it was swollen.  I just so happened to be speaking to my brother when I noticed this problem. He knew exactly what was wrong and had suggested that she had a hematoma on her ear which turned out to be exactly what he had predicted.    I researched it on the internet thinking that perhaps one of the neighbor dogs had bitten her ear hard enough to break a blood vessel or that Tonto could have caused it?  I have never seen him violent with her?  All of those possibilities are not even mentioned for how these things get started.   It isn't completely understood how they are started but usually occurs with intensive head shaking or ear scratching?   My brother  told me I would have to take her to the vet for either surgery or just to get it drained.   His dog seemed to get them a few times over the years.   He also suggested that I should ice her ear which I did and it seemed to help her quite a bit.  She had the saddest look on her face and she put up with me icing and massaging her ear so well.    She seemed to know that I was helping her and not hurting her.  I could tell she was very uncomfortable; so I talked gently to her as she gazed into my eyes with her pretty little face! )  She is so freaking cute!  I called the vet but could not get an appointment until the following day.  

I had just been to the vet on Monday to pick up cat litter, get a copy of Blue Belle's shot records f(or Therapy Dog International) and  to also try to get  Miss Blue Belle her kennel cough vaccination.  I could tell it was the same receptionist from Monday when I had called to get the appointment for her ear.   The receptionist at this vet clinic was not at all friendly or kind about us having to wait up 4 hours or even more just to be seen.  I don't think she liked being kept busy but she loved the power of making people wait!  It was obvious and she even had this winy tone to her voice that even though we would have an appointment it would take most of the day to get anything done on our dog?  I tried to tell her our situation in order to make it easier but she was completely and totally unphased by any of our problems.  For her it was really no big deal for anyone to  have to waste 4 hours of their valuable day waiting  around no matter what health problems clients were having.    At least emergencies were handled first.   I don't think this girl could care any less about my life and I shouldn't expect her to.   I just hope people around me can at least have a heart and I try my best to find that in others.  How big is your heart; not how big is your bank account, but how big is your heart?  That's how I judge wealth!)

  I did tell her  that I was on Hospice care and it wasn't good for me to have to wait so incredibly long just for a vaccination; she was not at all phased  at all or even that I had also told her that I had a  deadly cancer (she thought I was  totally lying)  or that she had just had me wait in the store for over 2 hours and was about to have me wait another 2 hours; just for a single vaccination?   I was pretty pissed at her but I held it all in.  I didn't let it get the best of me.  She was just young and naive, and quite possibly very selfish.   She was very negative and uncaring but the rest of the staff seemed a lot more friendlier and caring.    They really couldn't do anything and I guess I should have asked to speak with her supervisor to see if she was handling us correctly. 

I had already waited in the store for a little over 2 hours  ( I also saw other patients come and go as I was waiting) and I was  starting to feel very sick; like I needed to drain my stomach with R2.   Once my appointment came up she (receptionist) told me that I would have to wait an additional 2 hours which would have been a total of 4 hours just for one single little vaccination?  I just couldn't wrap my reasonings on why I would have to wait 4 hours just for a shot?   I just couldn't do that.   I had already waited over 2 hours just to get sick inside this office? I should have vomited  right on her desk (I kept thinking); maybe that would have changed how things were handled?  Maybe it would have woke her up?  She might have just thought that I was having a heroin fix and I needed to do my drugs?    Maybe she would be glad to get rid of me after I did that?  I left and went home, got sick and then crashed.   (this was on Monday!)

Then of course just days later; Miss Blue Belle has this problem with her ear.  Maybe she could get her shot while being seen for this problem?  My honey agreed to take Miss Blue Belle to the vet for me.  Poor little girl, she has been so self conscious about her ear and with visitors she would try to hide her deformed ear by only showing off her perfect side (left).   He took her in and dealt with the difficulties of having an appointment that was non-emergency but Miss Blue Belle felt it was an emergency since her ear just didn't look right and it was ultra uncomfortable.  Well he did bring her in but of course she wasn't able to get her vaccination for kennel cough so I will have to try and take her another time?

I am very thankful that my picc line was able to get fixed on Wednesday.  We were able to get it unclogged; finally and then I got my pain pump refilled right after that.   I wasn't exactly enjoying having the semi strange nurse come out to stick me  which does has its drawbacks.  My tiny almost non-existent veins totally and completely hate needles with a passion and they will  most often roll just like a crocodile!  Oh the crap my honey has to deal with in order to keep me alive!   It's amazing that he has done such a fabulous job each and every day.   Life is such a miracle for me!)  I look at everyone of those responsibilities that  he has to do as Christmas gifts.  He is giving me life everyday and that to me is the most precious gift anyone could ever give me.   I love how he takes care of me each day as it seems it's appreciated more and more!)   He really wanted to buy me something special for what is turning out to be my final Christmas.  I lost another 5 lbs which I am really bummed about.  It seems I have been pigging out as much as I can but then I vomit like crazy most of the time or suck it all up with my R2.

Our Christmas together has been amazing.  We went to see Black Swan which really was incredibly boring and disturbing at the same time.   Even though my honey was in pure hell,  I still had fun!   I couldn't connect with the main character at all because my personality is nothing like hers.    I did feel that Mila Kunis did an amazing job and I would be quite surprised if she didn't win Best Supporting Actress.  I do know that the Oscars normally pick movies that are often very difficult to watch, are incredibly boring, and disturbing and this one definitely fits what is usually picked!

 Most comedies never seem to make it  for nominations? and the more the movie makes one laugh; the less chance the critics like it?  In this film;   I did not fancy  the main character tearing the living shit out of her fingernails or toenails.? Her nails were bleeding and then her mom played by Barbara Hershey had these tiny little scissors and she yanked and cut her nails!  You could actually hear the clippers!  Youch!   I do know my honey's number one pet peeve is hearing nails being cut!  He was in absolute hell during those scenes; oh yes, there were more than 1 of those scenes!  This director loved grossing everyone out with sickening images of bloody finger nails being clipped with scissors!  Why not also show the main actress taking a shit and then wiping her ass clean?   It was the same effect as scraping nails down a chalkboard and then showing  the damage under the nails only it was much, much worse.  I think she might have split a toe nail after she had bounced up in the air so many times in a row?   Her big toe had a slice all the way down, had black on that same toe nail and then she ripped the nail right off?  It was horrid little injuries that made me jump and nearly turned my stomach upside down!    My poor honey was in total hell the entire time (except for the lesbo scene which he enjoyed for about 30-40 seconds of)

I do have to admit that I did enjoy the dancing, I understood the plot but for most not being familiar with Ballet; it would thoroughly bore the living shit out of those who are not familiar but I'm not much into such strict technical, rehearsed, and such disciplined  dancing for which a dancer can say "I want to be perfect" or I am perfect?  How can anyone be perfect or be expected to be perfect?  Can't a dancer invent a move to call her own or just have her own style  of dance rather than being so strict, completely rehearsed, and disciplined?    The main character was so stressed out, completely frigid with her sexuality, and totally disciplined.  Well one thing that seems to be common with some ballet dancers is having bulimia or anorexia.  They always feel that they are not thin enough and that thinness is never enough.  I look at myself in the mirror and am sickened by seeing my bones so prominently.   I didn't feel so bad that I weighed the same as Mila Kunis at the time she did this movie.  She was on one of those talk shows just the night before we watched this movie  (Christmas Eve) in that she had lost a total of 20lbs and had gotten down to 95lbs which is exactly what I weighed in at when we went to see this movie yesterday!   The funny thing about my honey and I going to see this movie is that each time the main character went to vomit my honey would check to see how I was doing and if I felt that I needed to yak too? I almost did a few times but I held my own very well during the whole movie.  I ate a little bit of popcorn which I puked up later once I got home.

We made it home; I napped and we opened up the rest of our gifts later on in the middle of the night (after midnight!).  It was great!  We still have a few more gifts coming in the mail so we can celebrate for the rest of the year!    Tonto freaked out on one of his catnip toys that one of him Grandma's had given him.  They both love Christmas and know that there are gifts for them to tear into and play with.  Blue Belle got an awesome skunk and raccoon toys which she loves to play tug of war with!  She nearly forgot about her ear being injured as she was having so much fun with her new toys.  She also got some treats and Tonto got incredibly stoned with me; he had his catnip and I had my ganga to keep me from vomiting and so far it was working very good for the pain and the nausea.   Grand daddy Purple! I'm still testing some strains a friend gave us on the pain scale of 1-10.  I have been testing on how I feel after wards.  How sleepy do I feel (does it help with insomnia?), do I feel the need to vomit and if so how much (scale of 1-10), am I hungry? How hungry am I? Do I still have pain or heartburn?, How thirsty am I (dehydration).  I think this will help in knowing what each strain does.  So far I have been using according to what problems I may have.  Having a good nights sleep has been a blessing and getting rid of nausea and the pain is equally awesome!)  Different strains really work differently.  Some strains even give me energy where I can get up, sweep and mop or do laundry and dishes?  How awesome is that?

I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas or Holidays what ever you want to call it!  I grew up calling Christmas, Christmas and most likely I'm never going to change that about me.  As long as we enjoy the days or the entire month as I have.  Hope it was filled with Love, Joy, Laughter, and great memories!)  Peace and Love to all!

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7 comments:

Pateeta said...

Merry Christmas! I'm so happy you got to spend this special time with the man you love. You are both so very blessed to have each other. Sadly, I had to spend this Christmas in the hospital for severe dehydration after nausea and vomiting for 3 days started to give me arrhythmia. My oncologist told me that if I can't get my bowels back in order then I won't be able to start my clinical trial for XL 184 in a couple weeks. Well, round-the-clock pain meds cause round-the-clock problems, one after the other. I just can't seem to get a break.

I so admire your strength and courage through all you've had to endure. You really inspire me, Jayne, and I wish the biggest miracle for a cure for you. You don't know me, but I feel like I know you after reading your story. I feel like we are sisters fighting this dreadful disease together. You and your Honey are in my prayers daily.

Again, Merry Christmas! You just may surprise us all and have many more Christmases to come. God bless you, and thank you for your inspiration to keep fighting.

peace and love,
patty

Anonymous said...

Much love to you both! I am so happy you had such a wonderful Christmas with Jimmy and your furry loved ones! xo ~Amy, Dale and Daisy :)

Denise said...

Jayne,

It's just terrible that the receptionist made you wait so long. I hate that, I think people like her aren't human. At the end of the day, it sounds like this Christmas was special and good to you (in spite of the nausea and vomiting).

Have a beautiful New Year!

Love,
Denise

Anonymous said...

A very merry Christmas to you and yours sweetie.

Amanda said...

Much love to you. Merry Christmas.
Amanda

Dee said...

I'm so glad you had a nice Christmas with your Honey!
Merry Christmas!

mishall magarzo said...

Good thing I don’t have any errors with my ears.
http://www.westcoastent.org

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Disclosure

My techniques and treatments work simply for me and may not produce the same results for others. Cancer is a very tricky disease in which it is very different in everyone it touches. No two cancers are the same just as we humans are not the same. What works for me may not work for others.

I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.

Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.

The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
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